Peering through the blinds, Vernon frowned over at his new neighbor's house. Usually he left being an insufferable busybody to his wife, but Petunia was currently sitting on the couch and reading some damned fool nonsense. Something she had found in Yunyun's room while cleaning. It was a book Petunia herself had read as a girl, and now was reading again. Something about singing dragons. Honestly.
"Petunia," Vernon commented as he watched the seemingly empty house. "I think something queer is going on with our new neighbor."
"Oh?" Petunia looked up from her novel, frowning slightly. "Those two seemed nice enough, even if their hair styles are a bit odd."
"A bit odd?" Vernon turned back from trying to find signs of motion to look incredulously at his wife. "One of them had pink hair, and the boy's got purple eyes!"
His wife sighed. "Chris is a woman, Vernon. She's just...built like me."
"Never thought you were a boy," Vernon grumbled, blushing red and turning back to the window. He peeled back the corner of the blind again, frowning to himself. Something about that Moody fellow just wasn't right. If he could just-
"If you're going to spy on someone, I expect you not to be so bloody obvious about it."
Vernon jumped about three feet in the air and away from the window, grateful for the blinds blocking his look of absolute shame at being caught peeping red handed.
Petunia looked up again. "Did you say something, Vernon?"
Before he could reply, the blinds rolled themselves up with a snap, and the window slid open. Moody stepped out from behind the shrub he'd been concealed behind. Or so Vernon told himself as the man appeared from thin air and glared through the now open window. "Most rookie job I've ever seen. If you want to gather intelligence on a stake out you have to practice CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"
"Get off of my property!" Vernon raged back, jerking forward to stick his finger under Moody's nose. "This is trespassing! I'll call the constable if you don't get off my lawn this instant!"
"If I can get on your lawn without you noticing, what are you going to do when someone who wants you dead shows up on your very doorstep?" Moody shot right back.
"Tell her that she's not sleeping in the bloody cupboard any more and take away her damn wand!" Vernon said well before he could think about it.
"You think you can just disarm a witch like that? You're not nearly prepared enough," Moody retorted. "You'd have to catch her by surprise and-"
"UNCLE ALASTOR!"
Moody flinched as Tonks ran across the street to collar her supposed relative. "Er, sorry about that. He's a bit twitchy, you know. War vet and all that."
"Which war?" Vernon asked suspiciously.
"All of them, I suppose," Tonks said with a shrug. "Come on, Uncle. Leave the poor man alone."
"He's going to get himself killed with his lax security protocols. Can't even spot an old man with one leg sneaking up on him," Moody grumbled, but let Tonks escort him back across the street.
Vernon watched them go, not blinking until their door was shut behind them. "I don't like that man. Something suspicious about him."
"You mean like the fact that he's apparently a wizard?" Petunia asked, coming to stand beside her husband.
Vernon jerked and looked at Petunia in shock, his mouth opening and closing.
"We should have them over for dinner," Petunia continued, looking wistful. "Maybe Tonks can help me send a care package to the girls. I do hope Yunyun is making friends…"
"A wizard?! For dinner?!" Vernon said in strangled tones.
"If our daughter is a witch we're going to have to get used to it. And it wouldn't hurt to learn how to protect her," Petunia said firmly. "I think I'll make shepherd's pie."
Vernon grumbled as he shut the window, but he didn't protest. "Show that bloody bastard constant vigilance. I'm getting a damn alarm."
Back at his house, Moody nodded to himself as he listened to the bug he'd put in Vernon's living room. An alarm system was a good start. This muggle would learn yet.
While it would be a gross exaggeration to say that Megumin's latest week sans wand passed without further incident, it at least passed without her doing anything more egregious than getting in trouble in astronomy class for continually making dire predictions instead of actually writing down the positions of the stars.
"This isn't divination. Save that nonsense for Professor Trelawney," Professor Sinestra said in exasperation. "Detention, Potter."
Thus Megumin was greeted the next morning at lunch with a giant cake with her name on it at the Gryffindor table with "CONGRATULATIONS" on it.
"Um, it's n-not her birthday," Yunyun said.
"We know that," Fred said, smiling as he sliced the cake up and passed Yunyun a piece. "We just thought this deserved a celebration."
"I don't bloody well know why you think whatever she did is more important than me making the quidditch team but I won't say no to a cake," Ron said, taking an extra large piece for himself.
"It's for her recent academic achievement!" George said as he gave the girl of the hour her own piece. "She broke our record."
"Yes, truly as the foremost genius of the Crimson Demon Clan, I shall shatter every record at this school!" Megumin cackled around a mouthful of cake.
"I wouldn't get too excited," Percy sighed. "It's for getting a detention from every Hogwarts professor in record time."
"That still proves that as the most persecuted of individuals, I am marked by fate to achieve true greatness," Megumin laughed. "Come, everyone! Feast upon the spoils of my victory!"
"Wait, can we have some?" Dust asked, pausing on his way to the Slytherin table.
"As you three are my rivals, you may partake in this bounty, as you have helped me on my way to greatness," Megumin said loftily.
"Brilliant!" Dust eagerly hurried forward, much to his companions' disgust.
"Goyle, you can't be serious!" Draco complained. "Are you really going to just-"
"It's good cake," Kazuma said, taking a slice to Draco's growing irritation. "What? You like red velvet."
"Don't worry, Malfoy, it was made by house elves," Fred laughed. "No impure blood in it at all."
"We only used pure wizarding blood. To enhance the flavor," George agreed.
"There's BLOOD in this cake!?" Megumin said eagerly. "This is the best cake ever!"
Draco sneered, but then looked rather disappointed as Kazuma and Dust eagerly ate their own slices. It was hard to tell if he was more upset that his friends were traitors, or if he didn't have any cake himself.
"H-here!" Yunyun said, hurrying over to Draco and holding out a slice. "I-it's for all of our f-friends"!
"Don't you remember I called you a mudblood and tried to trip you yesterday in class?" Draco asked, looking utterly baffled at the offering.
"Y-yes, but I forgive you, a-and I still think we can b-be friends!" Yunyun said, proffering the cake again.
"You tried to trip Yunyun!?" Megumin demanded, taking a fresh slice and stalking over to Draco.
"What if I did, Potter? She doesn't seem to mind, and-"
"HAVE SOME CAKE!" Megumin roared, and smashed the piece she was holding right into Draco's face.
"Potter!" McGonagall snapped, standing up from the head table. "What is the meaning of-"
"FOOD FIGHT!" Dust said eagerly, and chucked his half empty plate at Darkness.
"TAKE NO PRISONERS!" Megumin declared, and grabbed up a platter of sandwiches, hurling them as fast as she could towards the Slytherin table.
Snarling, Draco picked up a platter of fruits and threw them at as many Gryffindors as he could, while Kazuma hid behind him and picked food out of the air to munch on. He absently took a sandwich Megumin had thrown, and stuffed it down the back of Draco's robes with a malicious grin.
Before things got completely out of hand, there was a loud bang, and the food froze mid air as Minerva McGonagall strode towards the Gryffindor table, her face cold and thunderous.
"Um," Megumin seemed to realize the error of her ways far too late, and attempted to drop the plum she had in her hand.
"You four," McGonagall growled, pointing at Megumin and the Three Stooges. "Detention. And fifty points from your houses. Each. And detention this evening."
"What?! I didn't throw any food at anyone! I'm just an innocent bystander here!" Kazuma protested with a look of supremely wounded innocence.
"The back of Mr. Malfoy's robes begs to differ. Now clean this mess up immediately. And no wands."
"But that's work for house elves!" Draco protested in horror.
"Then you shouldn't have acted like animals." With a swish of her wand, McGonagall transfigured a set of utensils into mops and brooms, shoving them into the hands of the four miscreants.
"M-me too?" Yunyun asked, stepping forward and holding out her hands for cleaning supplies.
McGonagall gave Yunyun an exasperated look. "You did not participate in the food fight, Ms. Dursley, I don't see any reason for you to be punished as well."
"I-I could throw some food at someone…" Yunyun offered, though she didn't look very happy at the prospect.
"Just go get cleaned up, Miss Dursley," McGonagall sighed. "Do not follow your cousin into misbehavior."
"B-but-" Yunyun looked desperately at Megumin, who was angrily attacking a smear of mustard on the ground.
"Come on, Yunyun," Darkness said, guiding Yunyun away and giving Megumin an exasperated look. "Let's just get ourselves cleaned up."
"This is your fault, Potter," Draco snarled as he spread about the mess with his broom, apparently not entirely sure how to operate such a simple mechanism.
"Eh, I think it was worth it," Dust opined. He grinned widely. "I got to hit Weasley with a tomato."
"Say Dust, will you show me how to use a mop? I don't think I've got the hang of it," Kazuma said, handing his over.
"What? It's easy, you just use it like this," Dust explained, quickly demonstrating how to mop up some of the mess.
"Hmm, hmm, I see, you mean like this?" Kazuma attempted to mop, and mostly only succeeded in smearing a sandwich around.
"No, you have to sweep it up first, like this! Honestly Kazuma, I thought you were smarter than this," Dust lectured as he expertly swept up the pile.
"Even I can figure this out faster than you," Draco sneered, taking the mop from Kazuma and easily finishing the clean up.
"Yes, you are much better than me," Kazuma sighed theatrically. "But I don't think either of you is as good as Potter. Look how much she's done."
"Ha! I am superior to both of you at cleaning!" Megumin bragged, and made herself busy.
Kazuma mostly watched, occasionally shifting his broom, but mostly leaning on it as the others cleaned.
"Hey wait a minute," Dust said, standing as they were finishing. Lunch was nearly over, and the hall was beginning to empty again. "You didn't do any cleaning! You just watched us!"
"Well, that's because I'm just such a slow learner," Kazuma explained. "This is why I always need you to do your homework first. That way, you get the right answers and I can check them for you, then copy them down to make sure they're right."
"How do you know if they're right?" Megumin demanded, frowning at Kazuma. "If you need the others to do their homework first, you shouldn't-"
"Oh, would you just look at the time," Kazuma said. "Come on boys, we're going to be late for Charms. I suppose Potter should come too, though I guess she still doesn't have her wand."
Kazuma made to hurry off, only to turn about and find Snape looming over him.
"Mr. Crabbe. That was a novel way of cleaning you just demonstrated," Snape said in icy tones.
"Thank you, sir," Kazuma said brightly. "But I think we've all served our detention here."
"I will grant that Mr. Malfoy and Mr. Goyle have. However, I have recently noticed a pattern in your potions essays. It seems someone else is doing the work for you," Snape growled.
"Well sir, that's because we always work as a group, and I'm the fact checker," Kazuma hastily explained.
"It's true, he always knows when I've made an error," Dust agreed.
"Hmm. Well, in future, I expect you to put forth a bit more effort, Mr. Crabbe," Snape said. "You shall be joining Miss Potter tonight to assist Mr. Filch."
"What?! I thought we were supposed to be the clever house!" Kazuma complained. "I was being clever!"
"Not clever enough for me not to catch you cheating. Next time, do a better job of it," Snape ordered. "Detention. Tonight."
Kazuma looked like he wanted to argue, but instead he bit out, "Yes, sir."
Snape walked off, and Kazuma whirled on Dust and Draco, who looked smug. "You told him!"
"We're not idiots, Kazuma," Draco sniffed. "I know when I'm being had."
"We were?" Dust asked, scratching his head. "I mean, yes! I definitely knew you were copying off me."
"Yeah, well, it took you morons most of a month to figure it out," Kazuma muttered. He glared at Megumin. "Now I have to spend my night with Maniac McGee here, doing goddess only knows what for that squib!"
"I am not a squib!" Megumin snarled, and attempted to hit Kazuma with her broom handle.
His mop sprang up in an instant, and Kazuma made a swift riposte, disarming Megumin. "I wasn't talking about you! I meant Filch!"
Before Megumin could try to bring her fists to a mop fight, a hand fell on her shoulder. She looked up to see Percy the Perfect Git glaring down at her. "You've lost Gryffindor enough points for today, Potter. Get to class."
"Don't think of it as her losing Gryffindor 50 points," Ron said, coming over to stand beside Megumin. He grinned up at Percy. "Think of it as her costing Slytherin 150 points. I'm not so brilliant at math, but we came out 100 points ahead, didn't we?"
Percy blinked. "I...suppose."
"Come on, Megumin. We've enough time for you to stop by the loo for a quick scrub," Ron told her. He waved to Kazuma and the other Slytherins as they went past. "Good work. I'm sure even a house elf couldn't do as good, gents!"
If it hadn't been for Percy, Megumin was pretty sure Draco would have attempted to murder Ron on the spot. As it was he just growled, "You'll pay for that, Weasley!"
Despite her best efforts, Megumin managed to refrain from getting in further trouble that day. She was a bit bored with casting the mending charm, as she'd figured out how to cast reparo with a single try, and fixing up broken junk wasn't very entertaining.
She did ask Flitwick if it would be alright for her to try confringo and then repair what she blew up, but the professor just gave her one point for fixing a broken vase and told her in no uncertain terms to limit herself to reparo.
"Keep this up, and you shall earn your wand back in no time, Miss Potter," Flitwick promised.
Since Megumin had Plans for when she got her wand back, she managed to not cast a wondrous explosion spell the entire time.
That evening, Megumin found herself once more in detention. If she had been a reflective sort, she would have contemplated that so far, she had been in more detentions than she had been in possession of free evenings.
"I am starting to suspect there is a conspiracy to limit the amount of free time I have, as if all the staff are conspiring against me!" she loudly informed Flich.
The caretaker turned his head to glower at her. "Girl, we have more important things to do than mind you. If you'd stop being a nuisance, maybe you'd get less detentions."
"We are both unjustly persecuted," Kazuma sighed, shaking his head. "Truly, Potter, there is no justice in the world."
"You're just mad that you're not as clever as you thought you were and got caught," Megumin said smugly.
"Oh come on! I was trying to commiserate with you! Aren't you on my side? Detention sucks!" Kazuma complained.
"We are rivals, and thus, I must always be against you. That is how the rules work," Megumin explained.
Before Kazuma could make a scathing reply, Flitch opened a door and jerked his head for the two of them to enter. "Right. You're cleaning every last trophy here. I don't want a single spot of dust on the floor or a smudge on a single case. I know you lost your wand, Potter, so there's rags and buckets over there. Get to work."
"Aren't you going to supervise us?" Kazuma asked innocently.
Filch snorted. "I've better things to do than that. No, you're going to be watched by her."
"Meow." A dust colored cat with long whiskers snaked around Filch's legs. She sat and regarded the two students, her yellow eyes blinking slowly at them.
"Mrs. Norris will let me know if the two of you skive off. I'll be back in a few hours. I expect this place to be spotless, or you'll do it again tomorrow with your tongues." With that, Filch stomped off, leaving the cat to watch both of them.
"A cat, huh?" Kazuma said, regarding the feline. He sighed. "Don't suppose you can talk to cats, can you?"
"No, but I came prepared!" Megumin reached into her robes and drew out a small black form that was snoring softly. "Come, my familiar! Your mistress requires your services!"
Chomusuke opened one eye and regarded Megumin.
"This cat wishes to interfere with my freedom. Scare her off," Megumin prompted, and set Chomusuke down next to Mrs. Norris.
The other cat hissed, arching her back at the smaller kitten.
Chomusuke opened the other, then growled something. Slowly, Mrs. Norris calmed down, then lay down next to the black kitten-thing. Soon, both cats were snoring softly.
"Nice. Well, that makes this easier." Kazuma looked around, then drew out his wand. "Now, Flich never said I couldn't use magic. So, I'll make you a deal, Potter."
"What's that?" Megumin asked, narrowing her eyes at Kazuma.
"You let me copy off your homework for the next week, and I'll have all this cleaned in about 10 seconds and we can do like the cats are for the rest of the detention," Kazuma offered. "Deal?"
"How do you know any cleaning spells?" Megumin demanded.
Kazuma shrugged. "I made a deal with a house elf; I do some of his chores and he gets me things I want instead. I think it's a pretty slick setup, and this is the same way. Come on, you and Granger always get every question right. Just let me copy off of you. I'm not an idiot, I'll change some of the answers just enough that I won't get caught."
"Hmm." Megumin considered this, then struck out her hand. "Deal."
Kazuma shook her hand, then turned around and said a few quick spells. In moments, the entire room was sparkling clean, and all of the trophies had been polished to a mirror shine. "Awesome. Now it's nap time!"
"I don't think so," Megumin declared, and grabbed Kazuma by his collar. "Come on, let's go exploring!"
"What!? Are you crazy!? That sounds like more work!" Kazuma protested.
"Yes, but you have a wand, and I know an unlocking spell," Megumin cackled. "Come on, we have somewhere to check! We're on the third floor you know!"
"Huh? What are you even talking about?" Kazuma demanded as Megumin dragged him along by the hand.
"Don't you remember what the headmaster said at the opening feast?" Megumin demanded.
"No, I wasn't paying attention, those speeches are always boring and dumb," Kazuma complained. "Seriously, we should just take a nap, you're wasting valuable time."
"He said the third floor corridor on the right hand side contained a valuable treasure for whomever was clever enough to solve the puzzles and get past the guardians," Megumin stated.
No sooner were those words out of her mouth than Kazuma was sprinting past her. "First one to the treasure gets to keep it!"
"No fair!" Megumin pelted after Kazuma, and a moment later Kazuma was jiggling the lock and muttering under his breath with Megumin sliding in behind him.
"Alohomora!" Kazuma said, but the lock didn't budge.
"Let ME try." Megumin seized the wand out of Kazuma's hand, and repeated the unlocking spell, only for it to fizzle.
"Idiot!" Kazuma smacked Megumin upside the back of her head and took his wand back. "Wands only work for their users! Besides, I tried the spell and it didn't work!"
"How do YOU know the unlocking charm?" Megumin demanded.
"Because locked doors always have things behind them that are worth having, otherwise people wouldn't lock them. This one must require a special spell or a magic key," Kazuma sighed.
Reaching into her robes, Megumin fished out a hairpin. "Or they just locked it with magic and forgot the regular way to unlock things."
"This is a wizard school, not a muggle pigpen. Magic is the normal way," Kazuma sneered, but he stepped aside.
After a few moments of fiddling, Megumin had the door open. "Ah-ha! I win again!'
"Nice. After you," Kazuma prompted, though Megumin was through the door almost immediately.
Though she had expected a foul smell, Megumin wrinkled her nose at the odor inside. It smelled vaguely like a swamp, with that musty, rotting smell one would expect. She was just looking around when Kazuma poked his head in.
"Hey, is there a light? Turn it on, I want to see the treasure!"
"I can see just fine," Megumin sniffed. "There's a trap door, but it's all wet in here."
"Ugh, smells like dead flobberworm," Kazuma commented.
"Yes, but I see a trap door. The treasure must be there!" Megumin declared. She was just about to hurry forward, when she heard a loud sound.
RIBBIT.
"Out of my way, Potter! That treasure is-"
Kazuma shoved Megumin out of the way just in time for a long, sticky tongue to reach out and latch on to him. He let out a wail of horror as he was jerked right off his feet, dropping his wand as the tongue retracted.
"MEGUMINNNNNN! HELLLLP!" Kazuma wailed, gasping for breath as he stuck his head out of the mouth of the giant frog that was perched atop the wooden trap door in the floor.
"Maybe I should just leave you, and go get the treasure myself," Megumin said smugly.
"Look, I'll do anything, I'll pay you, just don't leave me!" Kazuma begged, then was sucked into the frog's mouth. He managed to stick his head out again a moment later. "Please, I'll do your homework for you, I'll-"
"Hmph." Megumin bent down, picking up Kazuma's wand and eyeing the frog. "I can't let you eat him, he's my rival."
The frog did not answer, as it was too busy digesting its meal.
Posing, Megumin's eyes flashing with scarlet menace. "Ha! Now taste the wrath of a Crimson Demon! Confringo!"
To her shock and dismay, there was only a faint snap and pop. The frog eyed her, unimpressed.
"Curses! Work you stupid wand!" Megumin glared at Kazuma's wand, then pocketed it. She dashed back out into the corridor, running back to where they were supposed to be cleaning. She grabbed up a bucket, filling it with the bars of soap they were supposed to use to clean the room, then dashing back to the corridor. After a bit of scrambling, she got up on top of the frog, then began to slip bars of soap into its mouth by shoving them between its lips. After about five bars, the frog suddenly heaved, and it's entire stomach came out of its mouth, flopping onto the floor.
"Come on, you worthless rival!" Megumin ordered. She dragged Kazuma out of the room, sliding his slimy form across the floor until they were outside, then slamming shut the door.
"Hate...frogs," Kazuma moaned, gasping and spitting out slime. He sat up, trying to wipe himself off. "Gross."
"Hmph. Come. We have cleaning supplies."
Megumin waited out in the hall while Kazuma cleaned himself off as best he could with the rags. When he opened the door, he wasn't wearing his school robe, but instead a pair of yellow quidditch robes.
"Guess I'll have to thank Chris Fortuna," he said, making a face. "Ugh, I'm going to burn those robes when I get back to the dorm."
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Megumin demanded.
Kazuma glared at her, then sighed. "Yes, fine, thank you for saving my life. I owe you one."
"No, not that!" Megumin's eyes glowed with excitement. "We have to try again! Such a fearsome monster has to be guarding a truly valuable treasure! Come, we must attack again! Take up your wand and-"
"Hard pass," Kazuma said, making a face. "There's nothing down there worth it, Potter."
"What!? Come on, you can't let a trivial setback like getting eaten prevent you from raiding a dungeon!" Megumin protested.
"Pretty sure almost dying isn't trivial," Kazuma said. He sat down and closed his eyes, leaning up against the wall. "This time, I'm taking that nap."
Despite her harruanging, Megumin failed to rouse Kazuma. Eventually she gave up and sat down, putting Chomusuke in her lap and muttering about how to deal with the giant frog.
Filch nearly had kittens when he found Kazuma dressed in the quidditch robe. "That's not for you, boy! That's from the championship game where Fortuna caught the snitch over Charlie Weasley, but Gryffindor won the cup anyway because they were so far ahead in points!"
"Yeah, but my robes are absolutely filthy. Have a sniff," Kazuma prompted, holding up the bucket with his school robe in it.
"Get that out of my face! I'll have you in for another detention, boy!" Flich snarled. "I'm taking you back to the dungeons myself." He glared at Megumin. "The rest is clean enough. Get going, girl. Mrs. Norris seems to like you, so perhaps you're not hopeless."
"I shall take my leave, but I will return, better armed and with stouter companions!" Megumin vowed.
She hurried off the Gryffindor Tower, eager to tell Hermione and Darkness of the new objective she had uncovered.
Later, Kazuma came in from the showers to find Dust and Draco waiting for him.
"Heard you got another detention," Draco said smugly. "Can't cheat your way out of that one, eh, Crabbe?"
"I heard you were wearing a Hufflepuff robe. Decide you're a mudblood lover?" Dust demanded.
"I did that on purpose," Kazuma said dismissively. He glanced around, then grabbed both his friends around the neck and drew them in close. "Listen, I found something. Potter's uncovered a treasure, but it's guarded by a giant frog. We have to get to it before she does."
"A treasure? Where! Is it valuable?" Dust demanded.
"Of course it's valuable, you idiot! It's a treasure!" Draco hissed. "But why should we believe you, Kazuma?"
"You remember the Headmaster's speech? Where he talked about the third floor corridor?" Kazuma whispered.
"Yeah, he said there was a sewer leak," Dust answered.
"Well, that was a trick. There's actually a trap door guarded by that frog I mentioned. If we can get past it, the treasure is ours," Kazuma hissed.
"I think you're just trying to trick us," Draco sneered.
"No, this is legit. I'm telling you guys, we find this, we'll be rich!" Kazuma urged.
"I'm already rich," Draco protested.
"No, your dad's rich, which isn't the same thing. He wouldn't even let you bring a broom, would he?" Kazuma demanded.
Draco shook his head, and Kazuma grinned. "Well if we find the treasure, we'll be able to buy whatever we want!"
"Like a dragon?" Dust guessed.
"Moron! No one wants an actual dragon!" Kazuma snapped. "No, I mean, like...you know. Stuff. Besides, do you want the Gryffindors and Potter to find it first?"
Dust and Draco shook their heads, and Kazuma knew he had them. "Well, here's what we're gonna do…"