"So let me get this straight," Hermione said slowly. "There isn't a sewer leak in the third floor corridor on the right hand side, but instead a fantastic treasure, and you know this because it's guarded by a giant frog that very nearly ate Crabbe, so naturally you want us to go explore it."
"Exactly!" Megumin declared. "This is obviously a test set up by our professors to determine which of us is truly brave and heroic by overcoming a dungeon!"
"You should have just let the frog eat Crabbe. You know his family is a load of Death Eaters, don't you?" Darkness demanded, her tone both irate and very bitter.
The three girls were currently all sitting together on the floor in the middle of their dormitory, Megumin having insisted on waking her friends as soon as she returned from her detention.
"Will you lot just go to bed?" a sleepy Lavender groaned. "We've got a potions test tomorrow."
"That's why I'm studying," Parvati said, looking up from where she was going over her text book. "I've got Padma's notes if you want to go over them."
"I think I'll just try to get paired with Megumin, she seems to know how to brew a potion and Snape likes her," Lavender said, then put a pillow over her head and tried to go to bed.
Megumin, however, was not a name to invoke lightly. She jumped up and removed the pillow as Lavender squawked in outrage.
"If you wish to be my partner, you must join the Crimson Demon Clan and vow to help me slay the giant frog and overcome the hidden dungeon!" Megumin declared.
"Oh. Well then I'll just have to muddle through. Frogs are gross," Lavender said, then jerked her pillow out of Megumin's hands. She stared up, frowning slightly. "Do you know, your eyes glow in the dark sometimes?"
"Yes, one feature of fully blooded Crimson Demons is that our eyes burn with passion and we can see in the dark!" Megumin laughed.
"Oh. Well, I don't suppose you know a silencing charm?" Lavender asked sweetly.
Megumin considered. "There is Silencio, which makes the person who it is cast upon mute."
"Well then be a dear and cast it on yourself, love," Lavender said, sticking her tongue out at Megumin.
"THIS IS GROUNDS FOR WAR!" Megumin bellowed, grabbing her pillow and launching herself at Lavender.
"Ah! Get off!" Lavender wailed, and then proceeded to give Megumin a thorough beat down with her own pillow, as she was a good five centimeters taller than Megumin and heavier to boot.
"Ahh! Comrades, I require aid!" Megumin wailed as she was knocked to the floor.
"UNHAND HER, VILLAIN!" Darkness bellowed, and then began to thoroughly knock about Lavender, being much bigger and taller than her.
Parvati seemed to decide she had done enough studying, and waded into the fray, gleefully supporting Lavender while dual wielding two pillows.
"This is all rather silly," Hermione complained, then shrieked in outrage as Megumin swatted her.
"A true Crimson Demon fears no conflict! Have at you!" Megumin cackled.
In the end they all got to bed very late, but giggling and happy with the results of their battle . Megumin tried to claim she had won "a tremendous victory" but since she was the smallest of the girls and the least physically adept she had spent most of her time getting knocked around by everyone.
The next day was the potions test, which included a quiz of twenty five questions on how to prepare various potions, and then a practicum on preparing an acne cleansing potion.
"Oh thank Merlin, I've practiced this one with my mum," Lavender sighed when she was told.
At the end of the quiz, most of the class had passed, save for Dust and Draco. Kazuma had managed to distract Dust at just the critical moment to add the pulverized pixie eggs, resulting in their potion turning into a thick purple sludge. Kazuma, on the other hand, had prepared a very excellent potion with Daphne Greengrass, and looked rather smug about it.
"This is acceptable, Potter," Snape said, setting her vial back down. He gritted his teeth, and Megumin prompted,
"Do I earn a point for understanding that the function of the pixie eggs is to provide a congealing medium for the powdered leeches, which serve to draw out the acne? I also modified the stirring because I realized that a backwards stir is like taking a potion slightly back in time, so that I-"
"Enough, Potter. One. Point. To Gryffindor," Snape snarled. He stomped off, glancing at Kazuma's potion.
"I think mine's even better sir," Kazuma said, giving Snape a crocodile smile.
"Don't push your luck, Crabbe," Snape snapped. "Class is dismissed."
With everyone else hurrying out to lunch, Megumin, Darkness, Ron, and Hermione stayed behind. Snape did his best to ignore them, but this lasted only about ten second before Megumin made herself unignorable.
"Professor! We require knowledge!" Megumin said, stepping up to Snape's desk, eyes aglow.
"Your grades will be posted the day after tomorrow," Snape said, not looking up.
"Not that! I already know I got 100%! Your quiz is no match for the foremost genius of the Crimson Demon Clan!" Megumin bragged.
"Fascinating. I said you were dismissed."
"Ah, but we desire EXTRA instruction!" Megumin said, grinning widely.
At that, Snape looked up, frowning. "Extra instruction?"
"Well, you see sir," Ron began. "Quirrell's pretty much useless."
Snape's lips twitched slightly, as if he very nearly almost smiled. "Are you disrespecting a Hogwarts professor, Weasley?"
"Please sir, he just has us read the book," Hermione explained. "It's not very instructive."
Megumin nodded. "Yes, if I were not naturally talented-"
"And we didn't have all those extra lessons from all those detentions," Ron grumbled.
"-we would never have been able to learn any sufficiently cool spells for defending ourselves," Megumin explained.
"I am not teaching you how to blow yourselves up. Your head of house already warned the rest of the staff about your...fixation...as did Professor Flitwick," Snape growled. "If you are wasting my time…"
"No, you see, we want to learn how to make POTIONS!" Megumin held up her copy of Moste Potente Potions, which had various bookmarks and dog-eared pages. She flipped it open to a page that had a great many notes in her cramped scrawl in the margins. "We want to know how to make the DRAUGHT OF LIVING DEATH!"
Snape's eyes narrowed. "And why, exactly, do you need to learn how to make one of the most dangerous potions in your compendium?"
"Well, I really wanted to learn how to make an exploding potion, but they all told me you would never agree to it," Megumin huffed. Behind her, Ron made frantic signs by crossing his arms and shaking his head, a look of horror on his face until Hermione elbowed him.
Snape leaned back in his seat, regarding the four students before him. Ron, Darkness, and Hermione shifted a little nervously and managed sunny smiles. Megumin was practically vibrating with a grin that was somewhere between mania and madness fixed on her face.
"So you are not satisfied with my instruction in class, then?" Snape demanded, his tone pure acid.
Megumin opened her mouth, and Darkness clamped a hand over it before she could speak.
"Well it's not that we don't enjoy your class, sir," Darkness said as Megumin struggled. "It's just that we find potions so terribly interesting!"
"Yes, and since we're somewhat limited in what magic we can perform yet due to our missing wands, we thought that learning how to make potions that can help us when we are wandless would be wonderfully beneficial," Hermione added.
This seemed to take Snape aback. He drummed the fingers of one hand on his desk, the other stroking his beard. At last, he said, "If you are so dedicated to the art of potion making, then I will assist you. But! I shall not teach you such a complex potion on your first attempt. To brew the Draught of Living Death, there are subtleties and techniques you have not even begun to master. I shall instead teach you potions that I deem either too dangerous or too complex for the average student. But it will require dedication. You may see me this Saturday afternoon, and we shall begin with the Vial of Winds. Look it up in Potion Opuscule. It is available in the library if you do not have a copy already."
"Yes sir!" Megumin said, her eyes glowing even brighter than before. "Does it summon forth a mighty hurricane!?"
"I have told you what to do. Now be gone. You are wasting my time," Snape ordered.
The four students hurried outside, happy smiles on all their faces, save one.
"I don't like working with him!" Darkness hissed as soon as they were outside. "He was a Death Eater! We shouldn't trust him!"
"Snape is obviously a double reverse quadruple agent," Megumin sniffed. "He was my mother's lover, which means that either he was secretly a spy the entire time because of his love for her, or she spurned him and he turned evil in anger and then turned good to try to save her but failed and swore a life debt to me, or that he is still a spy and has to pretend to be good but will heroically sacrifice himself to save my life at the most opportune time as he gasps out my mother's name one final time."
"That's bloody mental is what that is," Ron protested. "None of that makes sense! You can't trust that greasy git!"
"Yes, but we know that Snape is untrustworthy, so we can trust him to be untrustworthy. It's very simple," Hermione lectured.
"But does he know that we know that he's untrustworthy?" Darkness argued. "Thereby making himself even more untrustworthy? And hang on, Megumin, are you saying that Snape is actually your father?"
"It is a distinct possibility. The hero is often revealed to have a strange and twisted lineage. I can just see it now! Snape and I, battling over a terrible precipice, and then, he disarms me, inflicting a terrible wound! Then, he says, 'Dumbledore never told you who your father was…' and I say-"
"That's just Star Wars!" Hermione interrupted, sounding exasperated. "Honestly, Megumin, sometimes I think you actually think all those fantasy stories are real."
"Obviously, they are," Megumin sniffed. "Where do you think I learned to brew a potion to put the foe to sleep, then to sneak past them and steal their riches?"
"Well, Snape said he wouldn't teach us the Draught of Living Death though," Darkness pointed out. "So now what do we do?"
"We simply must master this first, then we can poison the toad, and retrieve the treasure!" Megumin vowed as they ascended up to lunch.
A few moments after they passed, a classroom door cracked open, and Kazuma, Dust, and Draco poked their heads out.
"You lads hear that?" Kazuma said, a wide grin on his face.
"Yeah, they're going to brew up a potion to poison the frog and steal our treasure!" Dust exclaimed.
"Well, Potter might think she's good at potions, but we're Slytherins," Draco chuckled. "We'll just brew up a sleeping potion, then get in there and take the treasure for ourselves!"
"This will be a cinch," Kazuma chuckled. "Those idiots will never know what hit them."
Congratulating themselves, the three Slytherins hurried up the stairs to lunch, confident in their superior potioneering skills.
That Saturday, Kazuma's crew passed Megumin's on the dungeon staircase.
"Where are you going with that cauldron?" Megumin demanded, planting herself in Kazuma's path.
"Spa day," Kazuma replied without missing a beat. "Draco needs to keep up his beauty routine to maintain that perfectly coiffed hair of his."
Draco gave Kazuma a scandalized look while Dust sniggered, until Kazuma kicked both of them and they hastily nodded.
"You're lying," Megumin said, her eyes narrowing. "You're not thinking of going up to the third floor corridor again, are you Kazutrash?"
"Are you kidding? I need my spa day because of that stupid frog! No more slime for me!" Kazuma vowed.
"Hmph. We shall see." Megumin allowed the Slytherins to pass, and they continued to struggle up the stairs.
"What, exactly, is wrong with taking proper care of my hair!?" Draco demanded once the Gryffindors (and Yunyun) were out of earshot.
"Relax, Draco, no one thinks your hair is perfectly coiffed, we can tell you just use the hair potions that fake Lockhart sells," Kazuma replied.
"Thank you," Draco sniffed. A few moments later, he wrinkled his nose, then turned and glared at Kazuma, who was struggling mightily to keep a straight face.
"So what are you guys going to do with your share of the treasure?" Dust asked, oblivious to the byplay. "I think I want to buy a dragon egg. Maybe a Hungarian Horntail, I hear they're extra exciting!"
"Who the bloody hell told you that a vicious monster like that was exciting!?" Draco demanded, forgetting his tiff with Kazuma for the moment.
"Hagrid. He says that dragons are dead easy to take care of, and all that rot about how dangerous they are is just because people are overly sensitive," Dust explained.
"He's a half giant though!" Draco protested.
"Yeah," Kazuma agreed. "Probably skews his perspective of what is and isn't dangerous."
"Oh yeah." Dust pondered this, then shrugged. "Well, I bet I could figure it out. Be brilliant to ride a dragon."
"You're as mad as Potter," Draco said in disgust. It was the first truly insightful thing he had said in a very long time.
The Three Stooges set up their cauldron in a stuffy empty classroom on the third floor, only bothering to clear away enough space to begin their work, haphazardly putting their ingredients on dusty tables.
"How long is this going to take?" Dust asked, frowning at the archaic language of the potions manual.
"Flint says it takes about two hours for him to make a Draught of Living Death, but he's an idiot," Kazuma said. "I'm pretty sure we can knock it out in half that time."
The three of them set to it with a will, working as quickly as they could. Draco and Kazuma were pretty fair hands at brewing a potion, and Dust could follow directions well enough. After nearly an hour, their potion was almost done.
"This is going to be great," Kazuma yawned, waving some of the vapors wafting out of hte cauldron away. "We'll...we'll knock that toad out for...sure."
The room had become somewhat hazy with the emanations from their cauldron, and all three were yawning hugely, despite it still being before noon.
"Yeah. Just think of...the treasure," Draco said, scrubbing his face with both hands and blinking bleary eyes into the cauldron. "And the look...on Potter's...face."
Dust just lay down and started snoring, apparently unable to stay on his feet.
"Get up...you...mor...on…" Kazuma groaned, prodding Dust with his boot toe. He slowly sank to his knees, then started snoring, falling atop his friend.
"Idiots. How...how can you…" Draco slumped over the table, and was soon snoring himself.
The cauldron bubbled merrily along, the fumes filling the poorly ventilated classroom. Thankfully, the lack of a clean working space meant the potion was very poorly prepared, and the Draught wasn't as potent as a full strength brew.
A short time later, Snape opened the door, and with a flick of his wand, cleaned out the air. He walked forward, glanced in the cauldron, then vanished the contents with a muttered oath. Then he zapped each of the boys, who all awoke yowling in pain.
"What special brand of idiocy is this?" Snape demanded. "You three are most fortunate. If Potter had not mentioned that she saw you coming up here with your cauldron, you might have not been found for days."
"We, um, we were-" Draco blinked in panic, unable to come up with a good explanation.
"-we were trying to show that Slytherin is the true house of the potion makers, sir. We were going to surprise you with a perfectly brewed potion," Kazuma supplied.
Snape glared at him. "I see. So, you compound your foolishness with lies. This is a very good way for all of you to kill yourselves. Detention. All three of you."
"WHAT?! We didn't even do anything!" Kazuma protested. He paused, looking at the empty cauldron. "I mean, not on purpose."
"Then you will have time to consider what you should have done as you clean out dirty cauldrons and scrub floors for the next fortnight," Snape hissed. "Now get this mess cleaned up and return to the dormitories! You will remain there for the rest of the day."
With that, Snape left the room, and headed straight for the Headmaster's office.
"Damn Potter, and damn that miserable old fool," Snape growled.
Behind him, the invisible and softly snoring form of one Quirinus Quirrell lay in the corridor, having inhaled some of the vapors on his own clandestine mission. Of course, he had been so thoroughly foiled, that not even Snape suspected he'd been up to anything.
Nor would he give Kazuma any credit for saving the day, even if completely by accident.