A/N: Hey guys! I apologize for the delay, but here is a longer chapter to hopefully make up for it. For those of you who watch FBI, you will see the name of a familiar character in this chapter, so please let me know what you think about that. I also wanted to note that I am almost finished writing the first part of the one-shot collection I mentioned a while back. I look to have it posted by the first of next week, so please be on the lookout if you're interested in that. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this one, and I truly appreciate you sticking with my story.
...
Street noted the time on his watch as he jogged the last quarter mile back to the apartment. It had been well over an hour since he left, but Hotch's SUV was still in the lot. Maybe that was a good thing, maybe the agent was getting through to JJ.
He hesitated, not knowing if he should go in or give them a bit longer, but then decided he'd stay in the bedroom if they were still talking. He opened the door and was surprised at the sight before him.
Hotch was seated in the living room chair, immediately looking up upon the officer's arrival, but JJ was laying on the couch asleep, a pillow under her head and a blanket draped over her small body. Fresh tear stains were present on her cheeks, and Street looked to the other man for answers.
"She cried herself to sleep. I didn't want to leave her alone." Hotch's solemn expression gave nothing away, but his voice was strained as if repressing his own emotion.
Street's eyes were burning as he focused his gaze on the blonde. Her small frame was practically hidden beneath the cover. She had always been slim, but since the abduction, she was nothing but skin and bones. "Did she say anything to you?"
"Some. She's still struggling to open up, even though it would do her some good." Hotch hesitated, as though he thought it best not to say something else.
"What?"
The older man sighed. "She's already talking about returning to the BAU."
"This soon?" She hadn't said anything to Street about that, and honestly, he thought it would be a while before they even had that conversation. Being with JJ through the past few weeks, and seeing the state she was in, he didn't think she was anywhere near the right mindset to go back to work… not to mention the injuries that weren't completely healed. Hotch had to see that too. "She hasn't said anything to me. You're not going to let her, are you?"
He shook his head. "Not yet, no. First of all, she needs medical clearance before she can even entertain the idea of coming back… but she also has to speak with the bureau's therapist. She's not too happy about that, but it's mandatory and truthfully, she needs to talk to someone. She can't keep all of this bottled up, or it could do more damage than it already has…" He paused, then gave Street an undecipherable look. "Frankly, that applies to you too, Street."
Thankfully, Hotch didn't elaborate on that thought. He just told Street to call if either of them needed anything, then he was gone.
Street knew he was right. The way he and JJ both had been handling things just wasn't working. Closing themselves off was tearing the two of them apart.
What Hotch didn't know, with Street returning to 20-Squad tomorrow, he was required to talk Dr. Wendy. He was okay to be in HQ, working the sidelines, but it was up to her whether or not he could return to the field. He was desperate to, he needed to be out there with his team, or he was pretty sure he was going to lose his mind… but it was out of his hands. Dr. Wendy would make her assessment, then report to Hicks and Hondo.
Street had never been a fan of talking out his feelings or problems, but Wendy wasn't too bad. He had a few required sessions with her in the past, and she seemed to help… but he had to admit that usually his 'therapy' consisted of talking to JJ, or Chris before he met her.
That wasn't an option now, as he and JJ weren't really speaking at all. Not that he would want her to know what was going on in his head right now anyway. He really didn't want to dump all of this on Chris either, and it wouldn't qualify as the mandatory session from HQ, so that was out too. On second thought, maybe talking to Wendy would be good. Maybe he needed a sounding board that wasn't emotionally involved in this situation.
Hotch was right. He needed to talk to someone, even if it was just to vent. He didn't understand everything he was feeling right now, couldn't really even describe it, so something needed to be done.
He was, however, still concerned about leaving JJ alone. She hadn't fully recovered, and hadn't actually been alone since the abduction. What was he supposed to do though? He needed to go back… he just didn't want to do anything that would end up hurting JJ.
An idea had occurred to him earlier during his run. He knew that right now JJ wasn't comfortable with her team seeing her like this, Hotch being the only exception, but it would probably be best to have someone here with her. If she was anything like he had been lately, being alone after a while with nothing but dangerous thought for company started to really take a toll.
He was pretty sure that was how it was going for her. He wanted to be there for her, but since she wasn't letting him in, maybe there was another option.
She wasn't close with her family, but there was someone else who may be able to help. She was a friend from New York, an agent that JJ had met while working a case several years ago. They were pretty close friends, but didn't see each other very often. They kept in touch frequently however, and Street had met her once when she came to Quantico for a few days, and had exchanged pleasantries with her a few times during the two women's video chats.
It was easy to like Maggie immediately upon meeting her. It didn't take long to see that she was a truly kind and caring person. JJ said the two had hit it off pretty instantly and Street could see why.
JJ had even helped Maggie deal with some personal trauma a while back, and Street was sure Maggie would be more than willing to do the same. Maybe calling on her for a little assistance would be the right move to make.
JJ might not be too thrilled with the idea of him making this decision on his own, but it was for her own safety and health. That's what mattered to him more than anything, and something had to be done… so with that thought in mind, he pulled out his phone and went to the bedroom.
Three rings later, a voice familiarized mainly through JJ's Facetime was washing over him.
"Agent Bell."
"Maggie, this is Jim Street."
Concern immediately laced the agent's reply. "Is JJ okay?"
Of course she would know something was wrong. Street and Maggie never talked by themselves. "Well, not really. Do you have a minute?"
"Of course."
That's how Street found himself recapping the harrowing events of the last few weeks. He told her of the pregnancy and the case that led to JJ's abduction, then went on to describe JJ's injuries and mental state following the miscarriage. He finished with, "I was wondering if there was anyway you could come down for a little while. I'm probably out of line for even asking you this because I know you have your own job and obligations, but I'm supposed to go back to work tomorrow and I'm really worried about leaving JJ alone."
There was barely even a pause on the other end of the line before Maggie spoke up. "I can be there first thing in the morning."
"Maggie, are you sure? I mean, I know you're probably really busy, and I don't want to pull you away from your team if there's something major going on."
"The team's fine. My ASAC has been onto me about working too much and needing a break anyways, so he'll be thrilled if he thinks I'm taking his advice. Listen, Street, JJ's my friend. I want to be there for her, and for you too. I'm so sorry that you two are going through this. I had no idea."
Street nodded, though he knew Maggie couldn't actually see him. "I appreciate that, and she will too. Seriously, Maggie… thank you for this."
They finished the call with Maggie stating that she would text him her flight details, but that she would try to be in town by ten o'clock the next morning. That would work out perfectly, as Hondo didn't want Street in until lunchtime.
Street felt a sense of relief over having that settled, but he wasn't exactly sure on how JJ would react to the news. She loved Maggie and always enjoyed seeing her, but she wasn't in the best mindset right now and might not appreciate Street thinking she needed to be watched 24/7.
For a few minutes he debated on whether or not to tell her tonight or to let Maggie surprise her in the morning, but he ultimately decided against keeping her in the dark. That would piss her off more than anything.
Shaking his head, he emerged from the bedroom and made his way to the kitchen. JJ still hadn't been eating well, so he thought he would fix a little something for when she woke up.
He found the ingredients to make a pot of vegetable soup, hoping it would settle alright on JJ's stomach. He tried to be quiet so that he didn't wake her up until she was ready, but it wasn't too long before he heard the sound of her stirring.
She made her way into the kitchen a few moments later, hair in a messy bun and a few water droplets on her shirt from presumably washing the tear stains from her face.
"Hey, how're you feeling?"
"Fine. How long was I asleep?"
"Uh…" Street glanced at the clock on the stove. "I'm not sure. You were asleep when I got back, and that's been almost an hour. Hotch didn't say how long it was before that." He stirred the pot of soup, and if he concentrated hard enough, he could imagine this being a completely different scenario… one in which he was cooking dinner for his pregnant fiancé while they discussed each other's day at work, far away from this nightmare… but that wasn't the case.
Right now the most they could muster up was a few impersonal statements or questions while trying like hell to appear indifferent to one another. "I made soup.. Didn't figure you'd feel like anything heavy." Though heavy certainly described the atmosphere.
"Okay." JJ moved to the cabinet and pulled two bowls from the shelf. At least she wasn't going to protest eating.
A little while later the agent and officer found themselves across from each other at the table, a steaming bowl of vegetable soup sitting in front of them. It was the only thing that felt even remotely normal since JJ's return home.
For a while neither spoke. The only sounds heard were their spoons clanking against the bowls. Street was just happy JJ was actually eating.
After taking a few more bites, JJ surprised him by speaking up. "It's good. Thank you." Her voice was quiet and she didn't look up, but Street hadn't been expecting it.
A little comment like that probably shouldn't have relieved him as much as it did, but for the past week JJ hadn't said anything other than what was asked of her. Maybe it didn't mean anything, or maybe it meant a lot. Street probably shouldn't have been reading into it as much as he was, but he was desperate. "Thank you. I'm glad you like it."
She nodded and that was the end of that, but Street would take it. He had missed even the simple act of sharing dinner with her.
He didn't want to ruin the moment, but he knew that at some point he would have to broach the subjects of Maggie and the BAU. He waited, however, until they were almost finished with their meal.
"So, uh, I wanted to talk to you about something."
JJ looked up, their eyes meeting for the first time since they sat down. She nodded for him to go on.
He pushed his spoon through the soup, knowing he needed to just outright say it. "I spoke to Maggie. She's coming down to stay for a few days."
JJ eyed him suspiciously.
"I called her. You know I'm going back to work tomorrow, and if Wendy clears me for the field, my shifts will probably be longer and I may be gone during some nights."
"Yeah, I know the job, Street. What, you think I need a babysitter?" She dropped her napkin on the table and Street could see the fire in her eyes.
"No, it's not like that. You've only been home a week, JJ, you're still recovering. I know you can do things on your own, but someone needs to be here just in case anything were to happen… and besides, it's been a while since you've seen Maggie. I know she wants to see you. Could spending time with her really be that bad?"
JJ sighed. "I don't have a problem with Maggie. I just don't need everyone thinking I'm incapable of taking care of myself."
Street wanted to retort that she hadn't been doing a very good job of that, but he knew better. "Nobody thinks that. Listen, Maggie was concerned when she heard about everything. She just wants to come and be here with you for a little bit."
Her gaze softened in the slightest. Okay, so that wasn't too bad. They lapsed back into silence for a few more minutes before JJ surprised him again. "You're already going back into the field?"
"As long as Wendy clears me tomorrow. I'm good for desk duty, but Hicks and Hondo both think that I need to be evaluated for the field since…" He trailed off, after all, JJ knew what he was saying.
"You think that's such a good idea? Jumping into it this soon?" Her voice was devoid of emotion, almost detached, but Street could see her hands shaking a bit.
"It's been three weeks. I need to be back out there with my team. I don't know why you're surprised. Hotch said you're already talking about going back."
"Yeah, and?"
"That's definitely not a good idea right now."
"Excuse me?" There was that fire again. "Oh, so you're ready to jump in head first, but it's wrong of me to want to?"
"JJ, you can't go back right now, there's just no way."
"It's not like I'm planning to go in tomorrow, I have to wait until my next appointment… but don't you sit here and tell me what I can and can't do."
He couldn't deny he was getting a little pissed at the pettiness of this argument. "JJ, c'mon, your injuries are still healing, and let's face it, you haven't even began to process the mental trauma of everything."
"You haven't either, yet you're so eager to return to the field. Why is that a problem for me, but it isn't for you?"
He stood from his chair. "Because I'm not the one who almost died!" He hadn't meant to yell at her, but the harsh reality was that he was angry, and he hadn't had much of a chance to express it. All he had been doing lately was burying his feelings and tiptoeing around letting JJ see any indication of them… but now, this back and forth over her stubbornness was pushing him over the edge. She had to know his logic behind all of this, but it was as if she didn't care about her own wellbeing.
JJ's eyes flashed, but Street couldn't identify the emotion in them. That was just it, JJ was getting harder and harder for him to read.
"I'm sorry, but it's the truth JJ. You came this close," Street held his fingers barely an inch apart, "to dying. Hell, you did die! Your heart stopped in the ambulance. It's a miracle you're even here right now."
"You think I don't know that?!" She was up from her chair now, mirroring his defensive posture. "I'm the one who lived through the pain of being tortured by a sadist. Of course I know! What do you expect me to do? My world was turned completely upside down and you expect me to just be okay with it?!"
Street shook his head, the anger still simmering in his veins. "Of course not! I expect you to get help because you can't do it by yourself. It's obvious you're not willing to do that though, JJ, but how in the hell do you expect to go back to work?"
"You haven't gotten any help either, but you're going back."
"At least I'm dealing with my grief! I'm trying to hold onto some semblance of normalcy. That's more than I can say for you!"
"It's easy for you to talk about grief and normalcy when you're not having to deal with the guilt." She ground the words out through clenched teeth.
Street hadn't seen her this angry in a long time, if ever. This was the most communication, however, that they'd had since before that night, but she was wrong. His voice was a bit quieter as he spoke again. "You think I don't feel guilty? My fiancé and child were at the hands of that monster and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. How am I not supposed to feel guilty? I feel guilty because I don't know how to help you now. Everything I say or do seems to make things worse, and I am completely lost. I feel guilty for the thoughts and feelings constantly running through my head, that I am helpless to control, for the…" He trailed off. He had come so close to finishing that by saying 'for the blame I feel towards you'… but no, he couldn't do that to her.
She knew though. He could see it in her eyes. She knew exactly what he was going to say, but instead of lashing out, she just nodded, which seemed to shoot straight into his heart. They stared at each other for a few moments, neither saying a word, each trying to process what all of this meant.
After a while, JJ raised her hands helplessly by her sides. "What am I supposed to do? You get to go back to work, but I have to suffer, constantly sitting here, in this apartment, replaying that night over and over again."
Hearing the pain in her voice caused a bit of the anger to fade. He took a step closer to her, feeling sick when she flinched the smallest bit. He paused his movements. "I'm sorry. JJ, that's why you need to get help. I clearly can't help you like you need, but you can't keep doing this to yourself. Maybe talking to somebody will help you work through your grief and guilt. I'm going to see Dr. Wendy tomorrow. Maybe she has someone she can recommend for you, that way you don't have to see the bureau therapist if you're not ready for that."
JJ didn't say anything.
"Will you please just consider it? Hotch said it himself, you've got at least two more weeks before you can try going back to work. Do you really want to continue on like this for two more weeks?"
After a while she shook her head. "No. I'll think about it." Her voice was barely above a whisper.
Street kept his just as quiet. "Okay. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you."
She just nodded.
He didn't want to push her any further on the topic of therapy. She said she would consider it. While Street wanted to take that as progress, as a sign that maybe things would eventually be okay, he knew that he would just be fooling himself. He couldn't even bring himself to hope because that had been too easy, she was just saying that to get him to back off.
He desperately wanted to hold her right now, but she had her arms wrapped tightly around herself, and the way that she flinched when he even started towards her moments ago screamed that she wasn't comfortable with the contact. While that thought kept him rooted to the spot, it broke his heart all the same.
They hadn't really had much physical contact since coming home from the hospital. The emotional distance was clearly spilling over, and it was a hard adjustment. They had always been ones to convey their feelings through touch. That was how they expressed their love and even drew comfort from one another, and it was killing Street to not be able to kiss her or hug her in hopes of easing some of her pain… both of their pain.
He glanced over to the couch sitting in the center of the living room, and a memory from early on in their relationship smacked him in the face. It was of the night after the DCPD Fundraiser JJ had accompanied him to last year. Things had been so crazy with his mom, and he had just learned some upsetting news about her.
After they got back from the event, JJ had sat down with him on the couch, listening as he shared the latest updates as well as his fears about his own blame in the situation. That was also the first time JJ had shared about her own family growing up, and the trauma she had been through at such a young age.
What really stood out about that night was after they had each made their confessions, they just sat there in the silence, holding onto each other. Tears were definitely shed from each of them, but Street found strength and comfort just by holding the blonde in his arms. Thinking back on it, he knew that was when he realized his life with her could be forever.
He shook his head from the memory and turned back to the present situation. He tried to meet JJ's eyes, but she looked away before retreating to the bedroom. It was a haunting contrast from that night, and now, he had his doubts about their forever.
He had allowed himself a small sliver of hope earlier, but now… he didn't think anything would ever truly be okay again.
…
Stretched out on the couch, Street closed his eyes hoping to fall into a deep sleep, but just like every other night the past few weeks, his wandering mind wouldn't allow it. The same questions and thoughts were constantly on replay, but this time he was worried about tomorrow, about being cleared for field work. He needed it more than ever. He needed something to hang onto after the chaos that had ripped his life to shreds.
Street had finally gotten everything he wanted. He had the job of his dreams, the most amazing woman he had ever met was going to be his wife, and he was about to become a father. The things he had always wanted for himself but never thought possible had been right there at his fingertips… and then they were ripped away in the blink of an eye.
What made it worse, he could picture everything. He could see JJ and himself having their own little family.
As he lay there, eyes closed in the silence, he could imagine himself coming home from work, JJ playing in the floor with their baby… or Sundays at the park where nothing else mattered except the three of them being together. He would be just as in awe with his wife and child as he had always been with just the mere thought of that ever becoming reality…
…but now, well now he had no idea what was going to happen in reality. The son or daughter he was about to have would no longer be born, and with the way things were looking, he didn't hold out much hope for he and JJ to be walking down the aisle. The truth was, after having JJ in his life for the past almost year, he couldn't imagine it any other way… but if the past few weeks were any indication, he could lose her for good. He kept his eyes tightly shut in order to hold the few tears he had at bay.
At any prior point, this was where he would be burying himself in work, but even that was still a big question. He couldn't be sure that he would be cleared for the field.
His job used to be the main aspect of his life. After losing it nearly a year ago, it was put into perspective for him how much he needed SWAT. Living for that job became the one constant in his life and he knew when everything else went to hell, he would have 20-Squad.
Of course his priorities had changed when he met JJ, and she became that constant, the one thing he lived for… but now that he was unsure of where he stood with her, hell she wouldn't even let him near her, he needed 20-Squad more than ever.
He couldn't begin to imagine what he would do if he lost that too.