Author Note: Just a reminder to everyone that this is crack fiction. Most people applauded the absurd death of Jar Jar Binks but a few were disturbed. I found Jar Jar supremely annoying so given that this is supposed to be comedic, into the trash compactor he went!
"My stretch marks are showing," Leia Organa said in a horrified tone.
Padme Amidala shot Leia an uneasy glance and shook her head, "I doubt it will matter, er, ..."
"Just call me Leia," the princess replied cheerfully. "I am, after all, your hypothetical alter future daughter."
"Right," Padme agreed, wide eyed.
"So you have children?" Shmi Skywalker inquired, her gifted hands whipping stitch after stitch into the slave girl costume; she was fashioning it out of fabric they had purchased from a street vendor after the sandstorm ended.
"Yes, twins," Leia explained fondly. "A girl and a boy, just a year old. Apparently twins are a thing in our family line."
"None of our relatives has twins," Padme protested.
"Ok, you are the one who started the trend, then."
"I will stitch a mesh screen which will obscure the stretch marks," Shmi assured Leia, "though I do not believe it will matter to a Hutt."
"Almost certainly not," Leia replied. "I look forward to killing the old wretch again."
/
"I found it," Luke said, running his hand down the leg of the child version of his father. "Lower left ankle.
Anakin stared down at his own leg with a frown, "In my ankle?"
"Yes," Luke replied softly. "I can sense it."
"Can you get it out?"
"I can, though as I warned your mother, it will be a little painful. Do you trust me?"
"'Course I do. I can handle pain."
"You will have to be quite still, Anakin," Luke warned. "If it is jostled while I remove it, it could detonate."
Anakin paled a little but nodded with determination, "I want it out."
Luke nodded and glanced over at Qui-Gon Jinn, "Master Jinn, can you assist me in holding Anakin while I do the operation? I believe I can mind meld with him to induce a state of near unconsciousness but I need you to hold his leg still."
"By all means," Qui-Gon responded, gazing with patent disgust at the remains of the Gungan Jar Jar Binks in the trash compactor. "Young Anakin, why does your mother have such a strong trash compactor anyway?"
"I made it for her!" the boy responded with excitement. "I thought, why have a little trash compactor when you can have a big one? I am sorry it killed your friend, though."
"He was not exactly a friend," the Jedi responded with a grim shake of his head. "I believe the he was supposed to be the plucky comic relief, but he was far more annoying than plucky."
"Plucky?" Anakin inquired with scrunched up brow.
"We can discuss that later," Luke declared. "For now, let's get this out of you, and then we will work on your mother."
/
The next morning
"I have a girl to sell to your master. You will take me to Jabba now," Luke ordered Bib Fortuna who was, to his mild astonishment, around already.
Thankfully, the Twi'lek major domo was as susceptible to Jedi mind control as he would be, had been, twenty years ago in the future.
"I will take you to Jabba now," he agreed.
Luke nodded and led Leia, who was dressed as a slave girl, down the corridor and into a large den of iniquity under the balcony where Jabba was intending to oversee the Boonta Eve Classic.
Intending being the operative word.
The twins walked into the room and glanced around with mutual disgust. Jabba, not quite as fat as he had been in their time, was seated on a dais eating a paddy frog and belching out smoke from a pipe.
He had a slave girl, dressed in an all too familiar skimpy outfit, sitting at his tail. Jabba's taste for slave girls and their clothing apparently had not shifted over the decades.
Bib Fortuna crept up to his master's side and whispered into his large ear.
"Ushunta balaki!" the Hutt bellowed at Luke, which meant "How much do you want for the girl?"
Luke began bartering in Huttese while the twins scoped out the Hutt's bulbous body. Exactly 76 seconds later, they were ready to Force roll.
Jabba eyed Leia and stuck out his fleshy tongue with enthusiasm when he suddenly felt a very odd pang inside of him. He paused, frowned, gasped, wheezed, clutched at his throat, and finally flopped over, knocking into the aquarium of paddy frogs, who immediately began hopping frantically around in search of freedom.
There were screams, and howls, and cries of gibbering delight from the associated gangsters and minions. Luke and Leia kept their Force choke on the great Hutt's heart veins until he was definitely dead, and then strolled away.
Moola, the blue headed human, found her slave collar had mysteriously opened. She crept off while the going was good.
/
"Look!" Leia cried out, gesturing toward a distant sand dune. Luke glanced where his sister directed him; there were two beings fighting, one with a red double bladed lightsaber, one with a single bladed green one.
Luke nodded and accelerated the pod which he had borrowed from Anakin. It didn't really fit two grown adults very well, but the twins had made it work. Pods were crazy machines and he was quite astonished that a boy of nine could pilot such a vehicle though if anyone could, it was Anakin Skywalker. Nevertheless, no child should be racing so dangerously and Luke was thankful they had kept Anakin from the Boonta Eve Classic in this timeline.
"It is Darth Maul," he told his twin telepathically. "The Zabrak Sith Lord that Mara and I ran into on Mandalore once."
"He has a brother, does he not?"
"Yes, but I don't sense any other Dark Siders here. Tell you what, let's do this our way."
"What is our way?"
"We'll both jump off the pod and I will engage him in battle along with Qui-Gon Jinn," Luke explained. "When he is appropriately distracted, sneak up on him and cut off his legs."
"Our way is not very sportsmanlike," Leia returned in a slightly disapproving tone.
/
"What is it?" Obi-Wan Kenobi asked in bewilderment, staring down at the legless form of Darth Maul. The Sith Lord had indeed fallen to three trained Light Siders. Now he lay on the floor of Padme Amidala's ship, his arms bound with rope, his red eyes blazing with fury and disbelief.
"Darth Maul," Luke explained, panting slightly. The Zabrak had been a surprisingly agile and gifted fighter and he admitted he was not sure he and Qui-Gon could have taken him alone, or at least not without injury to themselves. However, the presence of a sneaky princess of Alderaan had tipped the scales in their favor.
"And who are you?" Obi-Wan demanded, helping his weary master to his feet. Qui-Gon had fought Maul for a good two minutes before Luke and Leia had shown up, and the previous night had been short on sleep.
"I'm Leia, he's Luke, and we are twins," Leia explained, frowning down at Maul. "Poor guy, he must be in a lot of pain. I really don't feel good about this."
"He is a Dark Sider," Kenobi pointed out coldly.
"Don't be a jerk, Obi-Wan," Luke riposted. "You should care if your enemy is in pain. I mean, you can disapprove of his life choices and I do, but don't be a louse and discount the fact that losing both legs is agonizing."
Maul continued to glower, though is eyes widened slightly at this. Obi-Wan also glowered.
"Excuse me," he said frostily, "but have we met? I believe I would remember someone with your level of insolence."
Luke's eyes widened and he laughed, "This is fun, it really is. My Obi-Wan was old and gray haired and so very wise…but I realize I am confusing you. Leia and I are from the future, like the far future. Like…40+ years in the future. We came back in time because the Force wanted us to interfere with this timeline. My best guess is we were specifically supposed to get Shmi and Anakin out together."
Kenobi gazed at his master, who nodded, "I believe them, Obi-Wan. They are indeed from the future. They predicted that we would encounter a Sith Lord named Maul."
"Perhaps they are working with him," Kenobi pointed out suspiciously.
Luke sighed and dropped his shields entirely, causing the padawan to flinch in astonishment.
"Such power!" he murmured.
"Yep, we are freaky powerful, and obviously with the Light Side of the Force," Luke agreed sunnily. "Partly it is because we are twins, partly it because we are Anakin and Padme's future children, and Anakin is the strongest Force Sensitive the galaxy has ever seen."
Kenobi shot a doubtful glance at Anakin, who was gazing at his hypothetical future son in wonder, and then at Padme.
"Er, I admit to being confused," he stated. "You are claiming that this child is your father, and that the handmaiden is your mother…"
"I think we all are somewhat confused," Jinn agreed. "Nonetheless, the truth is that Anakin's midichlorian count is through the roof, and Padme is actually the queen of Naboo, not a hapless handmaiden, and our visitors from the future knew all of it."
"Handmaidens are not hapless," Sabe snapped, walking into the room without her make-up on.
Luke and Leia glance between Padme and Sabe in amazement.
"You really do look a lot alike!" Leia exclaimed.
"Yes, we do," Padme agreed. "Sabe is a gifted fighter and a good friend, not to mention a noble decoy. All right, so you are saying that Sheev Palpatine is a master Sith Lord…"
"What?" Sabe and Kenobi shrieked together.
The queen waved an imperious hand, "So I presume this Maul person is his underling?"
"Yeah," Luke said, looking down at the spiky headed male with some sympathy. "The sad thing is that Palpatine is a sucky master, really. He is always looking to trade his current apprentice in for a new model; well, not always, but Maul would be discarded soon, anyway. After Maul is Dooku, and after Dooku is … is Vader."
The Zabrak bared yellowed teeth, "You lie, and the Dark Side will prevail."
"So the question is," Luke continued without acknowledging the prisoner, "do we chop him into bits here and space his parts, or do we take him before the Jedi Council?"
"Surely we cannot execute him in cold blood!" Padme said indignantly. "That is hardly the honorable way."
"We just executed Jabba in cold blood since there was no other viable way to wipe out the slug," Leia pointed out. "Don't get me wrong, Padme, I get it. I love appropriate justice and honorable court proceedings, but I also get irritable when the powers that be are morons about…about everything. If you take to Maul to Coruscant, the question is what will Palpatine do? Will he try to rescue Maul? Will he move now against the Republic?"
"I think it is about 13 years too soon for that. The Clone Wars haven't even started," her brother pointed out.
"Yeah," Leia agreed moodily. "I just don't want the Jedi Order to louse everything up again."
Obi-Wan turned slightly purple with outrage at this remark but Jinn placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, "Peace, Obi-Wan. Our friends have pointed out some significant issues and if it is true that Palpatine is a master Sith Lord, the Order has obviously been quite blind to some significant issues. However, young visitors from the future, I must insist that we bring this Sith to the Council. "
"As you wish," Luke replied.
"Erm, where is Jar Jar Binks?" Kenobi asked suddenly, glancing around.
"He was crushed in a trash compactor and died," Padme replied matter of factly.
Kenobi slumped in relief, "Well, that is a blessing, at any rate. Another few days of his inane chatter might have driven me quite mad, especially with a legless Sith Lord to guard."
/