Before anybody knew it three months had passed since Tina's death. Actually, that was not true. While the rest of the family was caught up in their own demons. Louise marked every second since losing her sister. It was as if a clock were constantly ticking in her brain. She had mostly come to know it only as a nuisance but occasionally it would hit her and she would cry out how many months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds. She still struggled to say those words. So, to passersby she was just screaming random numbers for no reason. Bob continued to bury himself in his work, but Louise had given up on going downstairs. Nothing was ever good enough for him. The vein on his forehead constantly bulged and he blew up on her over the slightest mistake. At first, she thought she was just living the life her father had lived after Grandma Lily died. Her dad was becoming her grandfather. Until the day she realized things were actually much worse. It was two days after Christmas…
FLASHBACK
Louise was chopping tomatoes for another nameless burger of the day. Bob had gotten back into having a daily special. It was just without a name most days. Unless he found a way to honor Tina. Bob was on the grill. Louise moved the chopped tomato to a plate and placed the knife on the cutting board. As she walked over to give Bob the tomatoes. She thought she heard Bob say to put the knife in the sink. It was awkward safely carrying the knife and the plate, but she managed it. Until she got to the sink where a wet spot remained from when she accidentally overfilled it earlier. She slipped and dropped the plate and knife onto the floor.
"Did you drop something else, Louise?" Bob demanded.
"Yeah sorry." Louise apologized.
"What is wrong with you? You drop more orders than anyone! You have got to learn to pay attention! I am so sick of cleaning up after you! Tina always tried so hard, but you and Gene never tried at all! You dishonor Tina every time you mess up! Did you know that?! Do you even care?!" Bob bellowed.
"I really am trying!" Louise snapped before running out of the restaurant. At least she did not start crying until she was safely in her room.
END FLASHBACK
Louise did not return to the restaurant after that incident. No, that Bob cared. School started back a week after the incident. Two days before the three-month anniversary. One day before the anniversary of Tina getting sick. Louise had always hated school, but Tina's death had made it pure hell. Kids still whispered about her, Frond still pestered her, and then there was Millie. The freak flat out refused to stop dressing up as Tina. Even after numerous warnings. Finally, they gave up and placed her in the ISS room for the rest of the year. Unfortunately, because she had not actually done anything wrong. They still had to let her go to lunch, recess, gym, any other extra classes, and assemblies. So, Louise still saw her numerous times a day. On top of all that Louise was doing Gene's work for him. She had managed to convince the school he was struggling and needed to work from home. Unfortunately, he had no interest in his homework. So, Louise did it for him. Even though she could use him for an extra year. She knew when he came around. He would be grateful. If he came around that is.
Louise didn't want to go to school on the three-month anniversary. It's not like anybody in the house would have cared, if they even bothered to notice. Frond would be on her case no matter what she did and the kids who did bother to talk to her wouldn't care. She could have stayed home but she made herself go to school. The apartment was depressing and toxic, and she owed it to Tina. Sweet Tina who would never grow up. Tina always talked about how smart she was and how she should try harder. She dressed in her cleanest outfit. Bob was only doing laundry every other week if that and she only had four dresses, and eight pairs of underwear. It had been over eight days, but she managed to find a pair that wasn't too disgusting. She sprayed some of Tina's perfume to mask the odor and tossed on her hoodie. She ate the few meager bites of cereal that were left in the box. The meal deliveries had resumed over the holidays but died down again. Teddy and Kathleen brought groceries every other week, but it wasn't enough. Not with Gene and Bob binge eating. Gretchen and Gayle did grocery shopping, but Linda only ever asked for wine. Big Bob offered to help but he always wanted to come over and Louise worried he would report the family to DCF if he saw the state of the house. Gretchen and Gayle didn't care, and Louise convinced Teddy she liked the exercise and would walk over to his place when he had groceries. Big Bob would not be so easy to trick, however, and Louise did not want to be taken from the family she had left. So, she lived on crumbs and dirty clothes. For her lunch she made enough of a sandwich to keep Frond off her back. So, what if it was white bread and yellow mustard?
"Morning" Gene greeted amazingly sober.
"Gene gets dressed. You really should come back to school." Louise pleaded.
"I have a headache." Gene moaned.
"You have a hangover. Power through and get to school. Please I can't hold Frond off much longer." Louise begged.
"Come on, Louise! You hated school more than anybody! Who needs it?" Gene scoffed.
"Gene please" Louise pleaded.
"NO!" Gene bellowed before slamming his door in her face.
So now Gene hated her too apparently. She tried to shake it off, but her heart was breaking. She cried the entire walk to school. For the most part the Tina dying thunder had worn off and most kids went back to not caring about her. Unfortunately, the whispers managed to remain.
"Oh my Gosh! Are you even bathing at all anymore?" Chloe teased.
"Good morning to you too, Chloe." Louise sighed hoping Frond wouldn't get involved because she actually hadn't bathed in two days. The hot water in the apartment was messed up and she did not need Teddy to see the place.
"So, are you trying to be hip with the tattered brown bag or are you just that poor?" Chloe questioned.
"Chloe my sister died! My family is grieving! Shiny brown bags are the least of our concerns." Louise rebutted trying to ignore the magnificent smell of Chloe's homemade lunch. Sure, it was prepared by the family's chef but at least somebody was cooking for her.
"It's been three months. Shouldn't you be like over it by now?" Chloe scoffed.
"You would think so, but it turns out that your sister basically dying in front of you isn't something you just get over!" Louise snapped.
"OK just asking, Jeeezus. On that note where has Gene been?" Chloe questioned.
"Grieving at home." Louise fibbed.
"Well, I hope he comes back soon. I would hate for the big dummy to fail." Chloe teased.
"Shut-up, Chloe!" Louise warned.
"Or what? You'll skunk me? Get it? Cause you smell?" Chloe taunted.
"Maybe you shouldn't be pickin' on a grievin' girl." Zeke hissed.
"She's just doing it for the attention." Chloe smirked.
"People don't grieve for attention." Zeke sighed.
"Louise does." Chloe laughed.
Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggggggg! The warning bell rang, and Louise was safe at least until lunch.
"You OK, there little B?" Zeke questioned.
"I guess" Louise sighed.
"I miss her too. If ya ever want to talk." Zeke offered.
"Thanks" Louise sighed.
Lunch rolled around and much to Louise's annoyance both Benj and Jessica were out. Jessica had a doctor's appointment, but she guessed that Benj was sick. She hoped it wasn't a bad sickness. Benj was healthy overall, but his condition did mean sometimes illnesses were harder on him than able-bodied kids. She hadn't been feeling great the past few days. Not that anybody cared and there was a bug going around. Maybe she should have been avoiding him the way she was Rudy? She soon found a seat that was the furthest away she could get from Chloe and still be in the dining area.
"Can I sit here, Little B?" Zeke questioned.
"What about Jimmy and the other cool kids?" Louise asked.
"Jocelyn has the flu; J Ju has lunch period detention for tryin' to pass an interpretive dance off as a science project and Tammy's talkin' to that grief doctor that been comin' since Tina died. You talk to her? She's really bright." Zeke explained.
"Once" Louise sighed.
"Tell me that's not your lunch?" Zeke gasped upon seeing Louise's sandwich.
"It is actually. Haven't you heard mustard on white bread is all the rage in Malan." Louise laughed.
"I don't think that's true but no way I can eat all this." Zeke insisted putting half his lunch on Louise's plate.
"That's very generous but I don't…" Louise lied.
"Girl ya already ate half of it." Zeke snorted.
"Oh, so I did." Louise commented.
"Yer folks OK since T Bird? Cause ya always had lunch and clean clothes before. Now ya comin' dirty and hungry. If they ain't OK. Ya need to tell somebody. Maybe not Frond but somebody." Zeke questioned.
"Everything is fine." Louise lied.
"If ya say so." Zeke sighed.
Louise got through the rest of the school day feeling better than she had in weeks. Probably because she ate her first full meal in weeks. She walked home to more of the same and did her and Gene's homework. It was nearly dark by the time she was done, and the heaviness was setting in her heart again. As was the hunger. She stumbled to the kitchen and to her dismay everything was gone. She grabbed a pack of bacon bits. They were stale but not moldy. She shoved a handful in her mouth and saved the rest for breakfast. She entered Tina's room and sat amongst her stuff. She buried her head in the mattress and wished to God that she would wake from this nightmare. It was bedtime when she woke. She returned to her own room and climbed into bed. She closed her eyes and just like that the nightmare came.
It started out as a typical day. Louise got herself ready for school and said goodbye to a silent house. She walked to school alone crying the entire way. She walked up the steps and through the front door. Everybody was gathered around just the way they had been the day Tina died. At least according to Rudy.
"What's going on?" Louise asked.
"You didn't hear?" Rudy gasped.
"Hear what?" Louise asked.
"Benj died last night." Rudy explained.
"Benj died? How?" Louise gasped.
"He caught a cold, and it was too much for him." Zeke replied.
"But Benj has got colds tons of time." Louise gasped.
"Well, this time was too much." Rudy snapped.
"Achhooooo!" Louise sneezed.
"Did you just sneeze? Do you have a cold? Did you bring germs to school? Knowin', you got immune compromised classmates?" Zeke gasped.
"Yeah but…" Louise stammered.
"You killed Benj! Just like you killed Tina!" Zeke cried.
"What I didn't…" Louise rebutted.
"Mr. Zeke, I don't feel so well." Rudy moaned before disintegrating before her eyes.
"Agghhhhhh!" Louise screamed bolting upright in bed. Seriously, all the horror and thriller films she had seen and the thing that gave her nightmares was The Avengers? Even Sidecar had Avengers PJs! There was an odd squishing when she moved. Shit! She had wet the bed! Now that was starting back again? It had been almost two years. Everything was soaked. She yanked the covers off the bed relieved Linda had talked her into keeping the cover even though she hadn't had an accident in over a year by the time the loft bed was built. She toted everything to the laundry room. Finding her second most OK pair of underwear. She made her way to the bathroom where she suffered through an icy cold shower. Before putting on the same dress from earlier. It was near freezing and her hair was still wet, but she didn't care. She needed to go out of the house. She slowly made her way down Ocean Avenue to the pier. She eyed the wharf briefly, considering sneaking in but realizing that a breaking and entering charge would definitely send the authorities to her house. Instead, she walked to the regular pier. She leaned over the railing and watched the waves crash against the legs. No, the stilts. Tina had told her they were stilts and talked about a book she read where the main character lived in a house on stilts in the Bayou. A bayou was a brackish body of water. All the stuff she learned from Tina. All the stuff she ignored. All the stuff she teased Tina for knowing about. She had torn into Tammy for being mean to Tina and told her it was stupid she didn't appreciate Tina while she was alive. Boy was she a hypocrite. She tilted her head down towards the water allowing the ocean to swallow her tears.
Calvin Fishodor walked slowly along his pier. Sometimes when he couldn't sleep and wasn't up for his standard evening entertainment. He would walk through Seymour's Bay admiring just how much he owned. It was nice to enjoy the town without having to worry about tenants with one complaint or another. On this night, however, he was not alone but it was not a tenant. Well, it was but he doubted the nine-year-old would be upset about a furnace or rats, and her dad had been paying the rent on time. The checks were mailed now, and he missed the usual banter. Actually, he missed a lot about the Belchers, but the rent and care of the building were all he needed to care about. So why did he find himself standing behind the bunny eared girl? A child who had endured a loss far too tremendous for her young age. He was nearly seventy and he would be lost without Felix.
"Excuse me uh Bunny Eared Belcher Child?" Calvin called.
"Oh hey, Mr. Fishodor. Am I breaking curfew or something?" Louise asked.
"Probably but that is not why I am talking to you." Calvin replied.
"What do you want?" Louise sighed. Had he seen the apartment? Were they getting evicted?
"I just wanted to once again express my condolences. I also wanted to see how you were doing." Calvin replied.
"I am fine better than fine even. I am great." Louise lied.
"People who are great don't typically cry into the ocean." Calvin observed.
"Have you ever lost anybody too young? Who am I kidding? Of course, you haven't. A rich man like yourself. You could make four family immortals if you wanted." Louise inquired.
"Money cannot always save lives." Calvin sighed.
"It can't?" Louise gasped.
"Afraid not. It couldn't save my mother. I was only about a year older than you when she died." Calvin replied.
"Really?" Louise gasped.
"Yes" Calvin replied.
"So, what happened? What couldn't you afford to cure?" Louise questioned.
"We could have afforded the cure. There just wasn't a cure. It was leukemia." Calvin explained.
"Leukemia? But people beat that all the time." Louise gasped.
"Now but fifty-six years ago it was a death sentence." Calvin sighed.
"Oh" Louise replied.
"She was a good woman. A lot like your mother very devoted and fun." Calvin recalled.
"Oh" Louise replied.
"I still miss her every day." Calvin replied.
"So, I guess I will never get over Tina." Louise sighed.
"No but it will get easier." Calvin assured.
"I wish I had told her I loved her." Louise commented.
"You and I share that pain. I never told mother I loved her." Calvin admitted.
"Really?" Louise gasped.
"Things were different in those days. Men did not express emotion. Especially not men of my stature and saying I love you was expressing emotion." Calvin explained.
"My family is poor, and I am girl in the twenty first century. I do not have an excuse." Louise sighed.
"Slow down Belcher Child. Maybe you did not tell Tina you loved her in words, but you showed it other ways. Like that poem you wrote last year or helping her get to that silly Ladz Two Now Concert." Calvin assured.
"Boyz 4 Now" Louise corrected.
"Whatever my point is that you did a million things for Tina that showed just how much you loved her." Calvin assured.
"Then why do I feel so lousy?" Louise questioned.
"Because you are grieving and when somebody dies. You have all these regrets. Suddenly everything you did shrinks down to nothing but everything you didn't do grows to epic proportions." Calvin explained.
"Does that part at least go away?" Louise hoped.
"Afraid not but like grief in general it does get easier." Calvin assured.
"When does this getting easier start?" Louise questioned.
"In time" Calvin replied.
"See I was hoping for now." Louise sighed.
"Well, you did just take a big step in healing." Calvin offered.
"What's that?" Louise asked.
"You are talking about it." Calvin replied.
"God, I miss Tina, so much!" Louise sobbed before breaking down in the landlord's arms.
The good news was the next day was Saturday. Louise had two full days to mourn. The bad news was the next day was Saturday. That meant two days without any distractions and no food unless Teddy and Kathleen went shopping. Louise spent all of Saturday sitting alone in Tina's room reading Tina's books, touching Tina's things, and breathing in Tina's scent. She managed to ignore the hunger pangs, but Sunday was another story. See she wet the bed again Saturday night. Tina's bed.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Bob demanded when he saw the accident.
"It was an accident." Louise sighed.
"You haven't wet the bed in years! You just didn't want to get up! Or did you drink a bunch of soda before bed?!" Bob demanded.
"It's stress dad. I miss Tina and it's making me have accidents." Louise explained.
"But why Tina's bed? Now I have to wash her smell away." Bob croaked.
"I know and I am sorry." Louise apologized.
"No, I am sorry. Just get cleaned up. I have to get to work." Bob apologized.
At least Bob didn't lay into her too much but, Louise still sensed that she needed to get out of the house. Besdies she was starving. She managed to find some more of Tina's babysitting money hidden under the mattress and even more amazingly it had been spared from her accident. It wasn't much but it would buy sandwich stuff. She walked to the store and bought supplies. Just store brand white bread, meat, cheese, and mustard. There was a magazine about Japan, but she was already over budget. She sighed and told the cashier to just put everything back.
"I'll pay for it and the magazine." A familiar voice announced.
"You don't have to do that Zeke." Louise gasped.
"But I want to. People helped my family out when I we struggled." Zeke replied.
"This gonna be enough to last ya?" Zeke asked.
"It's what I can afford." Louise sighed.
"The restaurant has been busy. So, I take it your folks haven't been doing so well." Zeke observed.
"They can't take care of themselves. How can they take care of me?" Louise questioned.
"With help. Come on I'll walk ya home." Zeke offered.
Zeke walked Louise home waiting patiently while she wolfed down the candy bar that had somehow wound up in her bag. He shared a few memories of Tina that made her laugh but did not force her to talk. They arrived to the Belcher apartment. Louise took a long deep breath, afraid of what Zeke's reaction would be. Before opening the front door and guiding him upstairs. At least Linda and Gene were in Gene's room.
"Phew" Zeke whistled.
"Please don't tell anyone." Louise begged.
"I won't tell a soul. So long as you are safe." Zeke assured.
"I am safe. Just stay out of my parents' and Gene's rooms." Louise lied.
"Of course," Zeke assured.
Zeke helped Louise put the groceries away. Even though there wasn't much to do. He helped wash dishes and clean the kitchen. Then they walked to the living room and Zeke sat through two Hawk and Chick movies. Before Louise found herself drifting off on the couch. Zeke grabbed a fresh blanket from the laundry and wrapped it around her. Before returning to his seat on the floor. For the first time in weeks Louise felt safe.