"Fire Style: Fireball Barrage!" Mana yelled out, breathing out a flock of fiery sparks that ignited and blew out into fist-sized fireballs scattering across the area. Not even Shige-H's medical training in advanced acrobatics and evasive techniques allowed her to maneuver around all the spread shot barrage of fireballs. The medical kunoichi grunted as one particularly nasty hit sent her falling down on her face after shaking up her ribs.
"Ugh… I don't think… I don't think you're supposed to dodge that," Shige-H grumbled while returning on her feet. The medical kunoichi turned to Mana with raised eyebrows and rushed up to the seated magician as fast as she could with a pouted lip. "What's the matter? Why did you stop moving? Is it your heart? Do you want me to check up on it again?"
"No. I feel fine, better than fine, really. It feels like I'm brand new, somehow. I can't even feel any of my old scars giving me flack in that area, it feels odd…" Mana muttered, looking down at where there was just a gapping, swooping hawk-sized hole in her chest. The young woman pressed her hand to feel is if her healed body wasn't just a phantom she imagined. It was hard being sure if the Empress didn't put her under some sort of dream inside of her own mind, lulled her into thinking she's awake while the monstrous fear-born persona of Mana wreaked havoc upon the actual world.
"You're confusing me," Shige-H ran her hand across her curly hair, throwing them about like still developing pancakes on a pan. "This doesn't look like I'm glad to be alive face on most people, you know. Most people don't quit training prematurely, they actually do the exact opposite and stretch way past their limits. That's why I insisted on helping you train. I wanted to make sure as the team leader and a medical ninja that you didn't push it too far."
"Yeah… I think I'm done for today though," Mana sighed and sat down on a large stone that might have been a part of some mountainous structure once but had fallen astray onto the training ground once something blew the mountain up long ago. Now it was merely something hard and cold to sit on and rest. A poor fate to most considering what it once was, though nobody could even find the rest of the mountain so this fate was a cost of its survival.
"Okay, I will not bully you into pushing yourself. You push as hard as you want…" Shige-H shrugged and sat down on the grass around the stray stone. "It's just odd, that's all. You've always pushed yourself really hard. Whenever we had free time, I could have been sure that most of the time you were either training or reading and having seen some books you're into–that's just alternative ways of training yourself. You probably know just as much about a chakra network as I do at this point."
"Yeah, I think I've nailed this jutsu already. I'm fine calling it quits for today," Mana shrugged. Just like her eyes tried evading Shige's glare, so did Mana's consciousness, tried eluding the realization that that was what she was doing from catching up to it.
"Okay, yeah… You've learned a pretty decent ninjutsu technique. Having taken a shot from it, I'd say it packs a wallop. Nice. I have a feeling like you didn't read all those books on genjutsu and chakra network before the accident to learn Fire Style: Fireball Barrage, though." Shige-H winked with one eye, just trying to get her teammate to talk to her and give her a clue that Shige-H was onto the fact that Mana was running away from something.
What Shige-H didn't expect to see was seeing her teammate just break down and for her face to disappear inside the clutch of her arms while her body wept quietly. Mana bent her legs up to have somewhere to rest her leaking face on while she covered her collapse up with her arms.
"It's okay…" Mana felt a light pressure of Shige-H's arm wrapping around her as far as the young woman could reach it. The sound of Shige's fur coat rubbing against Mana's blazer came out as an irritating, rubbing grunge but it almost felt as if being wrapped in a blanket, like the medical kunoichi had warded them both off from the world and let Mana know that she was there for her. "Someone has tried to kill you and came dangerously close to succeeding. That's… We fight for our lives for the entirety of our service, and most of us still don't know what that feels like. I'm sorry, it's perfectly fine for you to take it a little slow for now."
"No… No, it's not. The reason I push so hard is that I have to. Because I'm not like most ninja, because I have to take care of things killing no one. Most of the time that means I have to be faster, stronger, smarter than everyone to do that. I have to know the right thing to do at all times…" Mana whimpered out. Right now she felt the least like the person she strived to be, and it only drove her further into despair.
"Okay… Look, I want to be honest with you, I'm a bit of a psychological type of medical ninja just as much as I am physical one, if you catch my cold, and… I'm not sure I entirely follow you here. Like… I've heard about this need to be superior, to be in control, but that usually leads people to push it too hard, not become alarmingly mature to take it slow," Shige-H sat close to Mana and started consoling her friend. Mana didn't want to emerge from the shell of her self-wallowing at the moment and have to face the pity. When that was all that waited on the other side, it was really hard to stop feeding into one's sadder habits and move on.
"When… When Ion hit me with her shot… I was training. Meditating. Trying to work around the fact that a jutsu I was working on for years now just didn't work out with me," Mana finally opened up after a few seconds of sniffling and drawing the breath and courage to emerge.
"You shouldn't punish yourself for it. Powerful and complicated jutsu take years and sometimes entire lifetimes to develop. We know a lot of famous ninja for a single technique they've perfected and some die without seeing their most amazing jutsu completed, leaving it behind for future generations to finish. You're no ordinary ninja, however, most of your arsenal is jutsu you yourself invented. They're weaker than what most aim for, but you find how to make them work for you. Who knows, maybe that's why you're so successful? Because you're not shooting for the stars but starting from something shiny and simple?" Shige-H seemed to think that this failure to grab success on a single technique was what dragged her teammate under. That was why she devoted so much of her specialty and speech into trying to console Mana about it.
"When I… I don't know, was stuck between life and death, I've sheltered off inside of my own mind. It's not the first time it happens to me. Once when I fought another Konoha ninja, she was outranking me, so I put it all on the line to stop her but ended up on death's door. It happened then, too. I've become stuck inside an area of my mind and met this… At that time, it was like a space baby or something," Mana's tears cleared out, mostly because what she was describing sounded like something that the rest of the Stars would have laughed out of the room if they were present. It was something that Mana penned down under the tab of things she was all alone to deal with.
"That happens to people with near-death experiences. I'm not sure if any of them experienced space babies per se, but I've read and heard it being described as dream-like. No offense, you're a quirky person, so I'm sure your imagination went to a weird place…" Shige-H shrugged.
"I don't think that was just a near-death delirium, though. This time, I came back to that. Except the space baby had become a version of me, like an alternate persona. She's just like me, except… Stronger, probably. I think that she's what I think I would be like if I had nothing standing in my way–if I killed people, if I didn't care about doing the right thing and just did whatever's the best for me." Mana looked up. The tears on her face felt as if they melted into her cheeks and burnt the skin like acid, but the cool brush of the wind numbed that sensation.
"Oh, like an alternate persona, huh? Yeah, when you tell someone else about it, you'd be better off telling them that instead of starting with the space baby stuff. That's a bit too metaphysical and weird and people won't have a clue what that's like decades since you told them about it," Shige-H nodded to herself, tightening the grip over Mana's shoulder playfully a couple of times as she pulled the cowering magician in closer to her.
"She kicked my ass… It wasn't even a bout. You'd think that me and an alternate persona of me, another me, would be equal to me in skill but…" Mana breathed in and stopped talking. As sad and prolonged as her exhale carrying all of her sorrow was, the despair she felt was a self-sustaining and constantly refilling cup.
"Yeah, I know that feeling. Being whooped so badly that your arms go down, you look back and feel like if everything you've ever done only brought you this far and it's still so far away from where you're looking at, maybe you're not supposed to be walking down that path at all," Shige-H stretched her mouth out in an upward-pointed crescent of pearly teeth as her eyes stared longingly up into the skies toward Kumogakure.
"You do?" Mana muttered, sniffing once to give her nose some liberty for a little while.
"Sure! Back when I wasn't yet Shige-H but just a Shige Jr., I was just like all the other kids that start out in the ninja gig. I wanted to be the strongest, the fastest, use the most explosive, amazing techniques. It's safe to say that it didn't work out that way. Again and again, despite my best efforts, I met a guy after a guy that just whooped me. This guy's a splintered Uchiha who fled to Kumo, so it made sense for him to be amazing. That other guy's lost his parents, lost his home, he's got nothing other than his training, he lives that stuff so of course he'd own me. Too many people beat me up because they were just in the game longer, many more still were just more talented. One headcount of who had my number later–I just felt useless." Shige-H said.
"You're not really selling any hopelessness to me with that cheerful manner of speaking," Mana pointed out with a squint. She's felt useless before, and she would have never looked back on those times with this amount of nostalgia.
"That's because it all worked out, because I found my way to be useful. I became a medical ninja, and it didn't matter how hard my punches hit, it didn't matter how explosive the fireballs I breathe are. My village, my friends, everyone I know need me and appreciate me. Sure, they probably would appreciate me because I exist, because that's what friends are, but I'm the one who needs this sort of validation after all. Some people say that helping other people is selfish because you only do it because it makes you feel better, even if you do it in good faith, and I say it doesn't matter. Because, in the end, if you feel better and the person you're helping feels better–who the heck cares, I'll take being selfish over everyone feeling miserable." Shige-H shook Mana's right shoulder, trying to breathe some life into her teammate.
"So…" Mana mumbled to herself, trying to connect Shige's story with her case.
"So, that's not what's ailing you, sister. A dream version of you whooped your behind in a dream–who the heck cares. You wouldn't meet a single actor that's all there emotionally who feels shitty about another actor beating them up in a movie. You've already said that you gave birth to that other persona with your fears–that means you're the one giving it power. In reality, you're stronger than it, you're stronger than you because what you are is a package deal. Your consciousness, your fears, all of that comes and has to work together." Shige-H jumped off of the busted stone with hands on her hips.
"Yeah, but… I want to give mastering the time perception genjutsu another shot. Make it more usable. I just… I can't give it my all. I want to but every time I try, it's like… It's like opening a door and you don't know if what's behind it is going to be scary or not but, if it is scary, you know you'll be filling your pants with dread and the devil sitting on your shoulder is going to be laughing at you because it probably wouldn't have reacted that way." Mana dragged her hands combing through her hair and clawed at her forehead, nearly leaving visible scratches on it in embarrassment.
"Hmm… So, you're afraid of trying your best and failing, because you wonder if that other, fearful persona would have failed all the same. You're afraid to be proven wrong, after that your fears would have done a better job at it than you, huh?" Shige-H scratched her chin.
"I guess so," Mana shrugged, sinking into her cradle built out of her shaking hands.
"Well, I can't tell you anything here. Dealing with this might take time. That's my best advice–try to ease into doing your best again, one step at a time. Just scope it out, touch around that limit bit by bit, and see when you can make the full leap. Don't rush it, no need to break yourself down again." Shige-H nodded with arms nervously clutching at her own hips.
"I can't do that. I can't just take it easy. Shitaka-san died working to help wake me up. I owe it to him to make his sacrifice mean something. So many people have died for me and I feel like I'm failing all of them by not doing my best," Mana sighed.
"That's not fair on you, you shouldn't think that way," Shige-H objected. "The people you've lost didn't die because they were investing in you and are waiting in the Afterlife to see their investment flourish and pay them their dividends in brownie points. They died because you were tight, because for whatever reason doing the right thing made them feel like they had to keep fighting, like they had to defy the odds," Shige-H sat down by Mana's side again.
"If that's the case, maybe I was right to move away from everyone. If that's the type of connection I share with people, one that leads them to death," Mana sighed.
"Everything we do leads us to death." Shige-H cringed and nudged Mana's on the shoulder. "Doesn't mean being born ain't worth it."
"Shitaka-san died helping me recover from a hit that a gang of people looking to cash in on a bounty that's been placed by a crime lord I kicked out of his den because that was my mission objective in the job I chose hired. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel, but it feels the same way it always feels when I lose someone–empty." Mana mumbled while chewing on bitter-tasting air in her mouth.
"I'd really like to talk to you about how you perceive death and how you're dealing with it. I don't think you've got a healthy mindset about that stuff at all. It's dragging you down, it's hurting you, and the cost of that mindset is breaking your body and mind. Learning to deal with it would change your life fundamentally, Mana," Shige-H suggested, standing up and reaching out with her right hand.
"Change my life? Make me swallow death down in a bitter gulp, shrug my shoulders and go on with my day like it means nothing? Like a man that's had a lousy hand throughout his life and lost all his friends and family and sunk into the depths of addiction that he turned to a source of strength and regained a chipper attitude towards life hadn't gotten himself killed after tangling in the shit-filled barn of my life? I'd rather burn out and stay broken, thanks," Mana stood up without accepting Shige-H's hand.
The medical kunoichi ran her hand across her hair, scratching her temple and sighing in frustration before her expression froze on Mana standing still with her back turned to her and the magician turning back with an inviting glance. Shige cracked a grin and hurried on, along with Mana back to the dorm. She realized that while Mana might have known something didn't spark right in the gear work inside her head; she preferred it just the way it was, but that didn't mean that the magician didn't appreciate Shige's help and company.
"So, I've noticed that Skaven is hanging around our room and someone covered the empty bed with unpacked stuff…" Mana spoke up after a moment of grave silence.
"Yeah, he came around. It's odd how he's still hesitant to complete his move into our room. You know, it was him who put the entire mission of finding a way of healing you together! I guess you two connected at some point," Shige-H beamed a smile her way.
"Odd, we've never really tried to. Come to think of it, how did you heal that wound I had? Everyone I've spoken to said it was like nothing they've ever seen before…" Mana asked.
"Oh, I'll tell you later, we figured it might be a sensitive subject, so we didn't want to talk about that with you while you're still recovering. You know, so you didn't get any painful memories from the time you nearly died and all…" Shige-H turned her eyes away.
"That sort of stuff just makes me more nervous…" Mana squinted looking at her, but despite some nervous laughter from Shige-H's direction–she said nothing.