Chapter 1: No Hope?

Monica trudged sadly into her apartment. The place was quiet; there appeared to be no sign of Rachel, her roommate. Good. Monica needed to be alone right now.

Setting her purse down on the side bookcase just as she entered, Monica suddenly buried her face into her palms and began to weep bitterly; she was barely able to mask her sobs.

She had just returned from a follow-up appointment with Dr. Connally, which her doctor had requested following a routine check-up. After some tests, the man had returned looking grave, and had told Monica the devastating news.

No, it had not been cancer, which had been the first fear to pass through her mind. It had been determined that Monica had a uterus that was an 'inhospitable environment.'

Translation: she could never carry her own child.

Never. Never would she be a mother! Her dearest dream and wish, ripped out from under her, just like that. Monica had listened mutely as Dr. Connally had continued to explain that there were other options: adoption. Surrogacy – even as Monica could never safely carry a baby in her womb herself, that didn't mean there was anything wrong with her eggs. Why, if fertilized with the right sperm, a child that was biologically hers could still be carried by a surrogate….

In a state of shock and profound grief, Monica had barely heard this. How there was still hope that she might one day have a child that was biologically hers. If her body could never be the vessel that brought that baby into the world, it wasn't, wouldn't be, the same. Besides…. the procedures surrounding surrogacy were expensive.

Monica's sobs grew louder as she staggered into the kitchen. She wanted nothing more than to lie down and rest and cry herself to sleep, but unfortunately, that was something she couldn't afford. Her friends were coming over for dinner tonight, and she had promised them only a meal that a master chef could concoct. Cooking had always calmed her anyhow.

So, sniffling, Monica began to set about making the ingredients, pushing away the pain to focus on the task at hand.

"Pass the cheese, please," Monica requested, tonelessly.

It was the most words she had uttered all night, seated around her kitchen table with her friends. She could feel Joey eyeing her warily as he lifted the hefty cheese pan and reached to give it to her. Monica wouldn't meet his eyes. Wouldn't meet any of their eyes.

Especially not Chandler's.

Her best friend's orbs were roving over her from where he was placed to her immediate left; she could sense it. The guilt was almost radiating off him in waves. He must think her vapid delivery was due to some lingering PTSD from the jellyfish incident on Montauk not so long ago. The incident in which Chandler had needed to…..

Monica strangely blushed at the memory. She recalled vividly how quickly and dutifully Chandler had performed the dirty deed of peeing on her, to take away her pain. She had turned her back a half-second too late, and had gotten a flash of his…. his…. She remembered attempting to offset the awkwardness with a joke about how to give a gal a little warning next time. Even so, her mind had whirled with confusing thoughts about how….. of what little she had seen, Chandler seemed to keep his assets….. quite well…. down there…..

Monica's mind flashed forward to her recent visit with Dr. Connally, and tears started to spill unbidden from her eyes anew. She hastily wiped at her face, but not quick enough not to be noticed and invite concerned stares from the others.

Rachel was the first one to break. "Mon, honey, what is it?"

"N-nothing….." Monica stammered, smiling weakly; she directed the smile mostly at Chandler, who was studying her like she was wounded. "This damn artificial lighting weakens my eyes….." Her bottom lip pouted, wobbling, and then –

The dam broke. Dropping her face into her palms, she burst into tears.

Ross leapt from his seat and circled the table to steal an arm around his little sister. "What is it, sweetie?"

"I….. I CAN'T HAVE A BABY!" Monica wailed.

Silence from all assembled. Monica's sobs gave way to sniffles. When she had enough voice with which to speak, she explained:

"I had my follow-up with Dr. Connally today. He must have detected something at my regular check-up because I was put through these tests and…." She sniffed. "He said I have a uterus with an 'inhospitable environment.'"

Chandler glanced away awkwardly at the word 'uterus.'

"What does that mean?" Rachel demanded, looking heartsick for her friend.

"It means my uterus is prepared to attack and kill any sperm that come near my eggs! Fertilization isn't possible, at least for me to carry a fetus in my womb." Monica's head drooped. "All that talk of sperm donors was for nothing…. I….. I can't ever carry a baby to term."

There was a screech as Chandler suddenly and violently shoved his chair back, rising and mumbling something about needing to use the restroom. Moments later, there was suddenly a roar that sounded like a swear word, followed a shattering of glass and a howl. Chandler re-emerged, nursing his one fist against his chest. Monica's eyes popped at the crimson streaks along his knuckles.

"Chandler, sweetie, you're….. you're bleeding!" she whimpered.

Phoebe leapt out of her seat and quickly wet a paper towel to wrap Chandler's fist in. Monica directed Joey to where she kept the gauze and the struggling actor wrapped the injury.

"Sorry about your mirror, Mon," Chandler mumbled. "I'll pay for a new one."

Monica smiled wetly in understanding. She was strangely touched, actually, that Chandler would feel such anger and grief on her behalf that he would punch and deface a mirror, and injuring himself in the process. "It's fine, honey."

Chandler did manage to stay long enough to give her a hug before prowling from the apartment, leaving the dinner early. Monica watched him go, biting her lip.