Day 0

This is technically Day 1 because all of this stuff happened yesterday (Walter is rubbing off on me, even in my own private thoughts), and I will put Day 1's assignment under Day 1 in a minute, but I thought that I needed to take a few minutes today and explain what this weird journal is about in case anyone ever reads it someday.

This whole thing started because of Mark Collins and our adventure in Norway to save the earth from the heating of the oceans. That jerk really got into both of our heads!

I know that we kind of laughed it off that first night when we got home and shared a bit of fruit punch and fermented fish. But his words just sat there beneath the surface festering. I was snippy with Walter's low EQ and he was just frustrated that none of his efforts to bring his softer side into our relationship seemed good enough.

It all came to a head a few days later with me losing my temper and Walter stalking out of the room. Cabe gave us an ultimatum for the good of the team and the relationship: see Dr, Rizzuto. It was time to take my own advice, so I made an appointment for Walter and me to see the counselor. I drove and Walter grumbled the whole way there, interspersed with bits of the chorus from "More Than Words". Obviously, he was just as reluctant as I was to listen to that weirdo.

I hate to admit it, but I was starting to wonder if pursuing a relationship was wise, despite how much Walter and I both wanted to. It just goes to show our level of desperation that we were actually going to see if Dr. Rizzuto could do anything to help our relationship.

The session with Dr. Rizzuto was, in a word, bizarre.

First, all three of us, sat cross-legged on cushions in the center of the room. He listened to each of us recount our encounters with Mark in Norway. Then he sat in complete stillness and silence for 4 minutes and 37 seconds. (I know because Walter told me the exact time on the ride home.) Without any warning, he opened his eyes, popped up off the cushion on the floor, and started pacing, muttering in Mandarin. Finally, he made eye contact with me and told me that he was going to treat each of us separately and that I needed to wait in the lobby while he "worked" with Walter. I considered ignoring him, but I really was desperate enough to try just about anything to see if Walter and I could salvage our relationship, so I went out into the lobby, shutting the door behind me.

He talked to Walter for a few minutes, Walter hardly speaking. I tried to listen in, but his office door was surprisingly soundproof. I jumped back from my position with my ear pressed to the door when Rizzuto unceremoniously opened it.

Walter walked into the lobby as Rizzuto gestured for me to enter his office. He looked okay, just like he was thinking deeply about something, which I guess in a strange way made sense since Dr. Rizzuto had done most of the talking. Walter smiled distractedly as Dr. Rizutto closed the door separating us once again.

I opened my mouth to ask him what the hell was going on when he put a finger up gesturing for silence. Defeated, I waited for him to speak. Man, that guy really enjoys a dramatic pause.

Eventually, Dr. Rizzuto explained that in his opinion was that the reason Walter and I were floundering in our new relationship was that Collins' words hit a little too close to home. He, ever the master manipulator, knew exactly what to say to dredge up our own deepest fears about our relationship.

I mean it hadn't taken us almost three years to get together for no reason. We both have plenty of baggage we're carrying around.

I am worried about whether Walter will get bored of me, but I am also nervous that he will only be able to offer me "fermented fish", so to speak, for the rest of my life. Everything is so cerebral with him. I need to know that he can connect with me emotionally and there is a large part of me that doubts that he can. He can imitate emotional connection under the right circumstances, but actually feeling it is quite rare and him taking the time to do it is rarer still. And I NEED an emotionally available man. See the history of my life here.

After his little explanation, Dr. Rizzuto gave me a homework assignment. He told me he gave Walter a homework assignment as well. But that Walter's was different than mine. He told us not to tell each other what the homework assignment was. Which as much as I am dying to know what this quack told Walter to do, I know I will never find out because Walter gave his word that he wouldn't tell me his assignment. And we all know that geniuses only state facts and Walter is a man of his word. (Something I really love about him.)

My homework assignment is to write daily in this journal. To record Walter's words and actions that communicate his love for me. It can be something big or small, it doesn't matter, it's just taking the time to notice and record them.

There can even be days when I don't see Walter's love. This is actually one of the things about this whole endeavor that scares me the most. What if there are only those days? What if I don't ever fill up this journal with ways Walter shows love and concern for me?

On those days, I am to take the time that I would have spent writing and reread past journal entries, reminding myself that even though Walter may be having an off day, he is still a good man. A man who risked exposing his own vulnerability, not expecting me to reciprocate, to express his feelings to me at Toby and Happy's wedding.

I also need to remember that love from Walter may not always look like what I am expecting from a romantic partner. Walter's brain works differently from a human's, so sometimes his love will look a bit strange and not romantic or normal. It will just be so totally Walter.

I asked Dr. Rizzuto how long am I supposed to keep this journal of Walter's loving gestures. He gave me that goofy grin of his and asked me how long I wanted to be in a relationship with Walter. I said I want to be in a relationship with Walter for the rest of my life. That's when he gave me the answer I should have seen coming a mile away.

I mean this guy got his Master's degree in People Studies from some online college that in no way shape or form is accredited. Or even reputable. But I couldn't help it, I grinned right back at him. Even without being a Harvard-trained psychiatrist, he really knows his stuff and is brilliant in his own quirky way.

So here I am with a lifelong homework assignment. To keep track in this journal, and many more volumes to come, I suppose, the weird and wonderful ways to be loved by a genius.

18 October 2023

Author's Note:

Just a few things to remember:

The journal entries can be posted out of order

It will not be every day of Paige's journal (oh man, that would be nuts!)

I don't know how long this story will go before it is complete, I don't know how often I will update it, but I won't leave any of the journal entries/chapters on a cliffhanger

I know how it ends and I promise that someday I will post the ending