Chapter 12

Sitting in the Sabre's cockpit shouldn't have made me this nostalgic. After all, I'd done it a thousand times before. But sitting there now, my gaze lost in the trance of starlines, I could only think back to how we'd been here when Luke and I finally owned up to talking about Ben for the first time. It felt like a thousand lifetimes ago now…

So much had happened in between, both good and bad.

What seemed to make it all the harder was knowing that each passing moment took us a little further away from him. It was only supposed to be a short trip to Yavin, but then they always were. In reality, we didn't know what would be waiting for us… And if Migo had taught me anything, it was not to take tomorrow for granted.

It may have been more drama than the trip was worth, but either way, I felt what I felt. And Luke, of course, was forced to feel it too. As always, he seemed to take that fact in stride. Reaching over to squeeze my hand he smiled wordlessly.

"Retirement doesn't sound so bad right about now, does it…?" I mumbled. "Maybe we should beat Talon to it?"

We both knew Jedi never truly retired, but it was a glorious thought nonetheless. "It'll all work out, Mara, I'm sure of it."

"Oh?" I asked arching an eyebrow. "I guess the Force must give you messages the rest of us don't get?" I teased.

"Not this time, I just…"

He glanced at me, the ever-optimistic romantic in his eyes. "We're together this time, so I know we'll be alright…" I knew he was thinking of Migo just like I was.

"And whose idea was it for us both to come, huh, Farmboy?"

"You always did have the best ideas," he whispered happily.

All in all, we both knew it wasn't that simple. But there was a certain mutual acceptance we'd both come to. Maybe it went back to the feeling we'd shared in that crummy bar staring down a thermal detonator. That together we really were capable of doing anything.

It was sappy, but I wanted to feel a little sappy right then.

"I miss Ben…" I whispered honestly. "It feels like all we do is leave him behind."

I felt Luke's emotions sober slightly, the thought tugging on his heart as much as mine. "I know… I have to keep reminding myself that we're doing it all for him too." He glanced at me softly. "To build a better galaxy for his future…"

"And," I added to lighten the mood. "To keep his aging mother around for a few more years. I'm getting way too old to keep taking potshots from lousy merchs."

Luke smiled, seeming cheered. "That too."

Lest our moods get too good, we noticed an incoming message from Coruscant. Which likely meant Republic security had cracked the contact and discovered how deep this thing ran. A foreboding sense of finality settled between us as I activated the comm. There reflected in the blue shimmering hologram was Leia's stone-set face. It was a look that told me everything I needed to know.

"Leia?" Luke asked softly, sensing it too.

She closed her eyes, sighing deeply. "We can't say yet if other officials from Becro 5 were involved in the plot, but the Grand Governor was the one to arrange it."

"And Mica…?" Luke asked sadly as if to confirm the obvious.

"I can't say for certain, Luke, but we can only assume he had some knowledge of it."

"But he might not?" I added carefully.

Leia's gaze looked thoughtful. "His father could have used him as unknowing bait to lure us on that initial mission, Mara. But how can we take that chance without knowing for certain?"

"That just means we have to find out once and for all."

"How do you plan to do that?" she asked both with concern and curiosity.

"Well, I'm still working on that part, actually," I confessed. "But the sooner we get to Yavin the sooner an idea should come to me."

The three of us fell silent for a few long moments before she looked back up at us. "Please be careful."

I smiled, thinking back to everything we'd been through together on Migo. "Don't worry about us, Leia, just take care of Ben until we get back."

She nodded. "May the Force be with you."

"It'll have to be…" I muttered under my breath as we broke free of hyperspace.

Below us, glowing like a blue-green orb was Yavin 4. Which meant it was now or never…

We weren't expecting to feel the disturbance in the Force so strongly. But as the Sabre's landing ramp lowered the sense hit us like a wave. As if the foreboding hum had transformed into a cascading howl.

Making our way toward the temple only made the foreboding grow. The courtyard was empty, with only the shrieks of native birds. But the quiet gave way to the sound of frantic footsteps soon enough.

I unclipped the saber from my belt and gripped it tightly. Luke didn't bother, seeming more at ease than I felt. I assumed he wouldn't have any trouble activating his at a moment's notice anyway. Rounding a corner the footsteps showed themselves to belong to a newer student I'd spoken with a handful of times. She was a Twi'lek no more than sixteen; her name was Vinti. Sweat drops were beading against her blue skin as she fought to catch her breath.

"Master Skywalker!"

"What's wrong?" Luke asked calmly, his voice attempting to soothe her obvious frayed disposition.

"There's been an explosion!"

"Where?!" Luke asked, an edge of desperation hidden behind his voice.

"In the east corridor! Master Corran and the other instructors are headed there now!"

Without hesitation, Luke broke away into a sprint. My instincts were to follow him, but something stopped me in my tracks.

"Vinti," I asked touching her arm before she could race away. "Where are the students? Where is Mica?"

She thought frantically before blurting out a reply. "West corridor was the last training exercise, but that was half an hour ago. By now they must be evacuated, I'm headed to my group's sector now! "

"It's a start, thanks. Stay safe!"

I knew in the case of an emergency the students were instructed to head to designated areas where they would wait in groups, but something told me Mica wouldn't be where he should be.

I gave one last glance at Vinti sprinting off before starting in the direction of the west corridor. Reaching out through the Force, I tried to find Mica through the noise of fear and uncertainty that clouded the temple grounds.

Mica's presence at always been so elusive, so hard to read. I didn't know if that was a product of his species or if he had been trained to hide his real intent. He had so much to learn about being a Jedi, but his connection to the Force was already so strong… I feared the strength would be more of a weakness for him in the end…

Closing my eyes, I followed the tug and pull of the Force beneath my feet. Each step seemed to sharpen the sense of his presence. He was nearby, but more than that…

I stopped suddenly as emotions flooded my senses. Raw and intense. Opening my eyes, I turned slowly. As expected, someone was standing behind me in the otherwise vacant corridor. But not just anyone, it was Mica…

Of course, it was…

His bright white hair was wet with sweat as he glared at me with some mixture of emotions I found hard to put words to. In his hand was a lightsaber, but not the one he used in training like the other students. No, in all irony, it was Marcus' family saber. It was Ben's saber, stolen from our quarters in the chaos.

Clutching it tightly I saw his hands tremor. But was it from fear or was it from anger? Maybe there wasn't a difference, I knew that well enough.

"Mica…" I whispered softly, not taking my eyes off him.

He swallowed sharply before igniting the yellow blade.

"Do you think you can win this?" I asked simply.

"No…" he mumbled honestly. "You're the Hand. But there is still honor in dying for what I believe in."

His words cut me deeper than the blade possibly could, but he didn't wait around to notice the remorse on my face. Instead, he charged forward swinging as he went. Within seconds our sabers clashed, the mix of yellow and blue tinting the shadows around us.

"You don't have to do this!" I shouted.

"It is my birthright!" he shot back. "My duty! For my family! My father's orders are my orders!"

I tightened my grip on my saber, thinking of all the irony that it represented. "So you don't ever get a say?!"

He swung wildly, but I dodged it easily. Any skill and promise he had shown in training was vanishing in the wake of his frantic emotions. I had stood toe to toe with those who truly wielded the dark side of the Force, but I felt nothing like it in Mica. No…it felt more as if the Force had abandoned him entirely. Or rather, that he had abandoned it.

"You killed my mother!" he shouted with anguish in his voice.

"You know that isn't true!" I counted as our sabers locked again.

"You stood for the Empire! You are the Empire!"

"And…" I said through gritted teeth. "You'd kill me for that?!"

His blue-striped eyes opened wider, the childish fear hidden behind them suddenly visible. "I…I have to…"

"But you can't…can you?"

"You're stronger, but my purpose has power!"

With a wave of my hand, I pushed him back. He stumbled before getting his feet again.

"I could have killed you right there," I said calmly. "You were wide open."

He opened his mouth, gulping down greedy breaths of air, but he never left the defensive posture. I on the other hand lowered my saber to my side, though still ignited.

"Mica, ask yourself if the Hand would have missed such an easy opening."

"Stop mocking me!" he demanded, shame and rage burning on his face.

"I'm not, I'm trying to help you!"

His only response was to lunge forward again. But I caught his blade and pushed him back. "Stop this! You haven't gone too far, we can still work this out, Mica!"

"It's already too late! My mother is dead!"

Nothing I said was getting through to him. Just where was this going to end? I wasn't going to strike down a student, no matter how much he was bent on killing me. I could probably disarm him and take him by force, but would that really fix anything?

Staring at the lightsaber in his hand made me think of Ben. Made me think of the risks Luke and I took every day. Made me think how horrible it would be if he had to grow up without one of us. Mica knew that feeling all too well, but I wasn't convinced he still wanted to do any of this. He felt like a pawn in his father's scheme of vengeance. Or were my feelings as a mother blinding me?

What a dangerous thing love was…

Or so the Jedi Order of old would have said. Even the Sith had no room for compassion in their wild emotional indulgence. Both would have said it was weakness, a dangerous weakness.

And yet…

I stepped backward until my back was pressed against the stone wall behind me. Seemingly cornered, I did the unthinkable from both vantage points. I did what I guessed Luke would have done.

I deactivated my saber.

"W-What are you doing?!" he stammered.

"Making it easier on you, kid…" I looked at him directly. "So go on, if that's what you really need to do."

But he didn't lunge in with the death blow, not yet anyway…

"W-Why are trying to trick me?!"

"I'm not, I just wanted to give you the opportunity to think about this before you commit to it." I glanced at the floor before looking up at him again. "You asked me before if I'd killed, and I told you that I had… In fact, I was younger than you are now when I first did…"

The pain cut furrows across my face, but I said the absolute truth of it. "I was trained to kill, raised to do it for as long as I can remember. But even so…that first time…I wasn't ready for what that would do to me, Mica. And neither are you…"

He opened his mouth to protest, but no words escaped, instead he just kept hesitating.

"Do you think it's easy?" I asked him. "Living the rest of your life with blood on your hands." I glared at him. "These are the same hands that I have to touch the people I love with! That I have to hold my son with!"

I felt my body tremble as the old ache threatened to overtake me. "But you can't change that once it's done, Mica… No matter the reason, no matter how you might long to. At some point…you have to be willing to forgive yourself. If you don't…your own self-hatred will only lead to more suffering."

After a few long quiet moments, he stepped forward. I waited, the deactivated saber still hanging at my side.

"I-If Master Skywalker finds you here, then he'll know the pain my family has been forced to endure…"

"No…" I whispered boldly. "He'll know something much worse. The pain of someone he cared about betraying his trust. But you're right about one thing…my son will know exactly how you feel. So go on… What are you waiting for…?"

He raised the blade, his trembling eyes threatening to do the unthinkable. But I felt nothing but peace, nothing but a sense of the Force as never before. Somehow I knew the outcome before it even happened. At the last moment, when the surge of pain seemed more than he could bear he tried to turn the blade on himself.

As if time had slowed, I Force pushed it from his grip at the last moment. The saber clattered across the stone floor as he fell, unharmed but broken, to his knees. Sobbing, he wailed like a child. In spite of it all, I did what I knew his mother would have longed to do…

I held him while he cried.

Because, after all, he was only a boy…

Only a boy…