Chapter 6
"Hello?" I called. "Anyone here? I'm back!"
I added the last part in a sing-song voice, and we stood in the entrance of the barracks, waiting for a moment before we heard movement.
My heart leapt into my throat as Noire, the adult Noire, appeared at the top of the stairs holding a bundle to her chest. She made a curious hum as she descended, looking exhausted.
"Hey, sweetie," I said softly. "How, uh, were things while I was-"
"This is yours," she said, pushing her infant self into my arms.
She took a big step back as I fumbled, nearly dropping my daughter who squealed and laughed happily at the attention. Noire gave Emm a once-over before bowing slightly with a tired smile.
"You must be L-Lady Emmeryn," Noire said. "I was hoping I'd get the chance to m-meet you."
"Please, call me Emelia," Emm said, drawing her hood back. "Emmeryn needs to stay dead, but it's a pleasure to meet you, too, Noire."
"Ah, Dad's spilled the beans?" she said, relaxing somewhat. "Good. Well, now that we've been introduced and Dad can take over babysitting duties, I'm going to nap."
With that, she turned on her heel. She hesitated a moment, before turning back and kissing me on the cheek.
"Welcome back, Dad," she said sweetly.
Then she was gone, back up the stairs.
"Wait, where is everyone else!?" I called after her.
"Ah, good! You are returned. I was beginning to…"
Lucina trailed off as she came around the corner, eyes widening to saucer-size as she spotted Emm. The older woman chuckled a little, brushing a stray lock of blonde hair from her face as she smiled at Lucina.
"Ah, hello again 'Marth'," she said. "Or should I just call you Lucina?"
"Ah, uh, yes, Lucina is… I mean… Ben did say in his letter… I…" Lucina stammered. "I-I… I'm sorry!"
"Do not be," Emm smiled kindly. "I am getting used to this reaction by now."
"No," Lucina said, shaking her head and blinking quickly. "I… am sorry I couldn't save you. In Plegia."
"Ah," Emm said, nodding sagely. "You needn't carry that weight, Lucina. It was not of your doing."
"Regardless," she said, shaking her head.
"Perhaps we could take some time to talk?" Emm offered, still smiling kindly. "Ben has offered me a room here, in the barracks, so I am looking forward to getting to know my 'room-mates', as he put it."
"Ah! Yes! I, uh, will show you to your room!" Lucina said, perking up.
"Where'd you stick Cynthia?" I asked, bouncing Noire against my chest.
For her part, my daughter seemed fascinated by my beard and was rubbing her stumpy fingers through the bottom of it.
"She is out running drills," Lucina said, blushing. "I am so sorry. If I had known you would find her, I might have warned you about her… eccentricities."
"Already out running drills?" I scoffed. "She's still half-starved! That's brutal."
"She is being punished," Lucina said, her face darkening a moment before she turned to Emm again. "Please, forgive my sister's behavior. I assure you that it was not an indication of the rest of us."
I gave a cough that sounded suspiciously like the word 'Owain', which made Lucina blush again as she studiously ignored me.
"I believe you," Emm giggled.
"Well, you girls go have fun," I said, stepping past them. "Luce, make sure that Emm gets nice and settled. Maybe ask Elle to bring you some tea and biscuits or something. I'm gonna go see who else I can find while I can still use my daughter as a human shield-HURK!"
I was dragged back by Lucina's fist on my scruff, and she brought her face very close to mine to whisper in my ear.
"I found out what a 'muff' is, by the way," she hissed. "And you and I will be having words about boundaries before you move back in here."
She stepped away again, frowning at me a moment before turning back to Emm. Lucina froze, though, when she spotted the big shaggy dog sitting in the doorway, looking up at her with his tongue lolling and his tail wagging.
"Oh, and this is Archer," I said with a grin.
"Wuff."
"He's my dog," I added.
"I… see," Lucina said slowly.
"He is a good boy," Emm said, reaching down to pet the dog's head.
Archer gave a happy whine and leaned into the touch, and I smiled.
"Archer, watch Emm," I told him.
He barked happily again, and trotted up the stairs with Lucina and Emm, leaving me alone with my daughter.
"Well, then," I said to her. "Shall we see who else is hanging around?"
Noire giggled in my arms, and I was suddenly struck by just how much bigger she had gotten. She was nearly twice the size than when I'd left, and she didn't have that weird, formlessness that infants tend to have anymore.
"You really got big while I was gone, didn't you?" I asked her softly as we started up the stairs.
Noire said nothing, still marveling at my beard-
"Agh! Honey, please, no pulling!" I groaned.
Correction: she was yanking on my beard. Apparently, a year of difference means she had the finger dexterity to grab decent sized chunks now.
As I got to the top of the stairs, I heard a familiar chuckle, and I glanced up to see the adult Noire standing there with a grin on her face and her arms full of what can only be described as 'stuff'.
"I should have w-warned you," she said. "Sorry. Apparently, I have a thing for hair. And yours is definitely the first beard that she's seen."
I glanced at what she was holding, finding it to be basically a baby-bag.
"Figured you'd need these," she said. "She's a little old to just be sitting in a basket all day, so we've been giving her a blanket and some toys to play on."
"You really stepped up while I was gone," I nodded, smiling. "I assume we is you and your mother?"
Noire frowned a little, before shaking her head.
"N-no," she said. "Not all the time. She… has her good days and her bad. It's mostly been me, Lucina and Olivia."
"Well. Crapfuck. I'm sorry I dumped this on you," I said.
I glanced down at the baby chortling happily against my chest, her stubby fingers wrapped around the bottom of my beard. An immense wave of guilt came welling up from within, and-
"Hrgk!"
I grunted as Noire, adult-Noire, flicked me with her finger in the middle of the forehead.
"Alright, you're f-forgiven," she smiled.
"What?" I asked. "Just… like that?"
"You're the one that told me 'forgiveness is a gift given freely'," she shrugged. "I don't w-want to walk around being m-mad at you or anything s-silly like that. I love you, and I know you're not perfect, and I'm just happy you're back. N-now, can you please take all th-this shit to your room o-or office or wherever so I c-can go sleep for the next w-week?"
I snorted, blinking back the mistiness in my eyes. I still wasn't particularly big on touching or anything, and my arms were currently full of baby, so I settled for nodding my head forward to bonk my forehead lightly against Noire's.
"There is no way a fuck-up like me raised a functional human being like you," I told her.
"You'd be surprised-YEEK!" Noire started to say, before cutting off in a shriek.
The baby in my arms gave another happy squeal as Noire hissed and tried to gently pry her hair out of her infant-self's tiny mitts. Clearly, baby-Noire had seen an opportunity and had taken it.
"What is it with her and hair?" I laughed.
Noire took a big step back with a sour look, massaging her scalp.
"I w-wish I kn-knew," she stammered murderously.
"And what's with the stutter?" I asked, turning to my office. "You were doing so well."
"I'm really f-fucking tired," Noire groaned.
"Language, missy!" I laughed.
Noire just blew me a raspberry and flipped me off, stepping into the room and spreading out the little blanket on the floor, before dumping a small pile of dolls and blocks and other little toys on it. She spread them around a little with her foot, before turning back to me.
"There's nothing she c-can choke on," Noire said, straightening. "Just keep an eye on her and you'll be fine. There's a couple spare diapers in the bag here, just leave the soiled ones in the bathroom and Elle will collect them later. She'll a-also be around later to take me- I mean baby Noire, for her dinner."
"Alright, alright," I laughed. "Go pass out now."
"Thanks," Noire yawned, turning and walking out without so much as a backwards glance, closing the door behind her.
I looked at the door for a moment, wondering what to do next. Baby-Noire made the decision for me, though, straining in my arms for the toys spread all over the blanket. I gently placed her down, and she crawled over to one particular horse and immediately started chewing on it. I squatted there, watching her with a smile on my face for a few moments, before standing and ambling over to my desk. With a sigh, I sank down into my chair and looked at my desk and office.
"Now. What the fuck did I do around here again?" I muttered.
I spent the rest of the afternoon alternately cleaning out my office and playing with my daughter. By the time Elle finally arrived to take Noire for dinner, the child was curled up sleeping on the little resting lounge I had along one wall, my jacket covering her in place of a blanket. I, personally, sat back at my desk, glaring at the bottles sitting on top of it. Eight bottles, all slightly smaller than a liter, all full of golden-amber liquid.
Elle knocked twice before opening the door and stepping in with a bow.
"Good evening, Milord," she said with a wide smile. "May I say, it is good to have you back."
"Thank you, Elle," I nodded. "It's good to be home."
The maid sighed, moving over to Noire.
"Milord, I really wish you would stop calling me-" she froze halfway, looking up at me again with a shocked expression. "Oh. Oh, forgive me, sir."
I waved her off, still not looking up from the bottles. Elle proceeded to gently pick up Noire, the baby stirring fitfully but not quite waking as the young woman held her to her chest.
"I have a task for you, Elle," I told her.
My maid looked up attentively, her gaze narrowing as she spotted the bottles.
"These?" I chuckled. "These are the ones I kept in my locked drawer. I haven't even made it to the other two yet. When you get the chance, soon, preferably, I want you to go through this barracks, top to bottom, and get rid of every drop of alcohol. As of this moment, we're dry. You don't leave any stone unturned, you look behind every shelf, under every book, you get rid of them. Su'ko can help. Su'ko?"
Elle gave a small squeak as the ninja girl stepped out of what had been seemingly empty shadows in the corner of the room. Su'ko looked Elle up and down before turning to me and bowing.
"Your will be done, milord," she said.
"That will be all, ladies," I said, rising. "Thank you."
Su'ko nodded, turning to leave, no doubt intent on starting immediately. Elle looked at me inquisitively for a moment, and I sighed.
"Was there anything else, miss Elle?" I asked tiredly.
"Just that it's… really good to have you back, Duke Baham," she giggled. "I'll be back for Noire's things a little later. Would you like to have dinner here, or with the others?"
"Put a plate aside for me," I told her. "I'll eat later, I'm not hungry right now."
"Of course, milord," she said.
Elle dipped a little in an approximation of a curtsey while she still carried my daughter, and left the room. I followed her out into the hallway, standing for a time before a thought occurred to me.
"Su'ko! Leave Virion's fancy wines alone!" I called.
The ninja appeared from the storage closet a few doors down, arms already laden with bottles of wine and spirits that I'd stashed away. She gave me a nod, before striding past me with the bottles.
"And save the bottles," I added to her back. "Maybe we can use them as candle holders or something. Good lord, I really did have a problem…"
"Ben? Ben, is that you?"
I turned, finding Olivia standing at the end of the hallway in her old dancer's outfit with her arms full of bundled reports.
I had to fight to keep my eyes from wandering.
Those shorts should have been illegal.
"Heya, Pinkie-pie. I'm back," I said with a tired grin. "Thanks for taking care of my kid."
Olivia just stood there, blinking at me for a moment before her lip began to quiver and her eyes filled over. With a choked sob, she dropped the reports and rushed at me, hitting my chest like a canon-ball and knocking the breath out of me. She buried her face in my shoulder and wrapped me in a great bear-hug, and I essentially found myself trapped.
"Ow," I gasped.
"It's so good to see you!" Olivia sobbed.
I choked, awkwardly patting her on the back until she sniffled and drew away.
"You grew a beard," she said, looking up at me.
"I did," I said.
"It looks good on you."
"Thank you, I grew it myself."
Olivia giggled before sniffling again, bending down for the reports she had dropped. Fortunately, the binding had held and they hadn't scattered everywhere. Virion took this moment to come around the corner, too, stopping just as Olivia bent down to retrieve her reports. One of his eyebrows quirked up as he admired the view, before his gaze snapped up to me with a wide smile.
"Well, well," he said, throwing out his arms as he approached. "If it is not the most Dashing of Dukes, the Greatest of Generals, our prodigal leader himself! Welcome home, my friend!"
I stopped Virion with my hand outstretched.
"Hugs are for the ladies," I deadpanned. "Guys get handshakes."
"Oh, do not be so cold!" Virion laughed, grabbing my hand and yanking me into a quick man-hug.
"Okay, okay, it's good to see you, too," I groaned, patting his back.
Virion laughed again as he stepped back next to Olivia. Unlike her, he was in uniform, with the addition of his usual cravat around his neck.
"Truly, though, I think I am happiest about you coming back to take over the paperwork again," he laughed. "Dear Robin has been running us ragged."
"Oh, it hasn't been that bad," Olivia scolded, swatting him lightly in the chest with her reports.
"You realize you both out-rank her, right?" I chuckled.
"Yeah, but she's so much better at this stuff than we are," Olivia admitted.
Virion, though, opened his mouth to respond, before closing it and looking away with a furrow to his brow.
"I did not think of that," he said slowly. "She is very naturally commanding."
I chuckled and shook my head, crossing my arms and sinking to a hip.
"So, speaking of, where is everyone else?" I asked.
"We are going for dinner now," Virion said. "I assume many of the others will be there."
"Robin is probably still in her office," Olivia added. "She's been keeping long hours since you left. I should bring her some dinner later."
"And… Tharja?" I asked, the name sour on my tongue.
Olivia and Virion exchanged a glance, before the dancer shuffled awkwardly.
"She… comes and goes as she pleases," Virion said. "Although I… do not doubt she will take long to be back once she learns of your return."
"Great," I groaned, closing my eyes.
"What happened with you two?" Olivia asked gently.
"Ask me later," I sighed. "Preferably after about ten beers. Which is gonna be hard to accomplish with Su'ko getting rid of all the booze in the building."
Virion gave a horrified gasp, instantly going pale.
"My wine!" he shrieked, racing past me.
"I already told her not to touch your and he's gone," I said, finishing with a sigh. "Eh. He'll figure it out eventually."
Olivia just laughed, shaking her head as she stepped past me, too.
"I'll put some dinner aside for you, too," she said. "You probably have a lot to take care of, right?"
"Yeah," I sighed. "Thanks, Olivia."
The dancer smiled and nodded, walking down the hallway, and I was treated to the wonderous sight of Olivia walking away from me.
"Those shorts definitely need to be made illegal," I sighed after she rounded the corner, closing my eyes and pinching the skin between them.
Robin's office, while not right next to mine, was only a little way down the hall. There was no way she hadn't heard me talking to Virion and Olivia, or heard me yelling at Su'ko. The fact that she hadn't come out to at least tell me to shut the hell up had me worried.
I stood out the front of the unassuming, unadorned doorway, my hand raised and poised to knock, but I hesitated.
Before I'd left, she had confessed that she loved me.
And I had basically gone and disappeared into the night without a word, without a backwards glance.
I had well and truly burned that bridge, but the fact that she was still here, still working, and from what Virion and Olivia had said, going so hard at her work, boded well for her continued support.
For the military, at least. I wouldn't be surprised if she hated me now.
Still, though, I'd managed to make nice with Chrom, even after the big douchery I'd pulled. Robin was just another name on the long list of people I owed apologies.
I let my hand drop and sighed, resting my head on the door with a small thud. Obviously, this was enough of a knock for her, because I heard stirring from within.
"Enter," she called.
My eyes widened and I bit back a gasp, my hand curling as if it were scratching behind Archer's ears. I hesitated again, actually jumping a little when Robin snapped through the door.
"I haven't got all day! Come in already!"
I acted on instinct, hand moving to the doorknob before I even knew what I was doing. I swallowed nervously, pushing the door open and stepping into the room.
I had never actually been in Robin's office before. The first thing I noticed was that it was smaller than my own, yet held almost twice the crap mine did. Charts and maps covered walls, maps of Plegia and of Valm's coast, and charts of sea trade lanes that we could utilize to sail to Valm when the time came. What walls weren't covered in crap were occupied by heavy bookshelves, the shelves themselves fairly straining under the weight of tactics treatises and other miscellanea. Her desk sat under the window, letting the dying afternoon sun stream in through the open shutters, an unlit candelabra sitting in one corner of the desk in place of a lantern.
The tactician herself barely glanced up, an annoyed scowl on her face as I slipped into the room, before going back to whatever paperwork she had spread all over her desk.
"General," she said without looking up. "Welcome back. Was there something you needed?"
I winced at the cold edge of dismissal in her voice.
Yup. Definitely still pissed.
"Just checking in," I said nonchalantly. "I've been gone a while. How have things been while I've been, uh, gone, ah… shit, I forgot your rank."
This proved to be the exact worst thing I could have said, if the way her head whipped up with a furious glare on it was any indication. She only held my gaze for a moment before going back to her paperwork.
"I'm a Captain, in case you forgot," she said, her voice fairly dripping venom. "Although I am technically outside of the usual chain of command, being part of your personal Headquarters Staff, as opposed to an official part of the First."
"Ah. Right," I nodded. "Right. I made you a Captain, didn't I?"
"Yes, General, you did," she said darkly. "I'm sorry I'm so unimportant to you that you forgot."
"Unimportant?" I scoffed, desperately trying to keep the tone light. "Are you kidding? I'd be lost without you."
"I felt the same way," she said, setting down her quill but still not looking up at me. "Until you actually left."
"Okay, so I guess we'll skip the small-talk," I muttered to myself.
Robin's head snapped up, clearly having heard me.
"Oh, I'm sorry," she drawled sarcastically. "What was I thinking? How's the regiment in Baham doing? Crazy weather we've been having lately. Heard you brought back some new recruits. Why the fuck did you leave?"
I spread my hands helplessly.
"I panicked," I told her.
"Obviously," she hissed.
"What am I supposed to say, Robin?" I asked her. "I've got problems. I've never made a secret of that. When I found out how Tharja manipulated me, I freaked out."
Robin's eyes narrowed, but she remained silent.
"For what it's worth, I am sorry," I added. "I'm an asshole. That's not up for argument. I get it. I'm sorry I left."
"Tharja and Noire weren't the only ones you abandoned," Robin said, leaning back in her chair.
"I know," I sighed.
"I loved you," she said plainly.
I winced at her use of past tense. It had been one thing to expect this, but another entirely to actually hear it.
"And all that time you were gone, not one letter," she went on darkly. "Not even when you passed on orders. Just… all work. You abandoned me."
"I'm sorry," I said.
Robin finally snapped, slamming her hands down on her desk and jumping to her feet.
"You're damned right you are!" she screamed. "You were all I had! I loved you! I told you that! And you just immediately left me here! You left all of us!"
"I'm sorry," I repeated.
I didn't know what else to say. I don't really think there was anything else to say.
Robin continued glaring at me for a moment, before sighing and shaking her head. She moved around to the front of her desk, leaning back against it and crossing her arms.
"The worst part?" she went on, her tone softer now, even as her eyes still threatened to set me on fire. "I would have followed you north. I would have gone with you, if you'd asked. If you'd just fucking talked to me. But you didn't. You selfish bastard."
"I am a selfish bastard, yes," I sighed, struggling to remain patient. "I'm sorry. But after the way things went with Tharja, how she treated me-"
"How she treated you?" Robin cut me off hotly. "You're not exactly blameless in all this. How the fuck was she supposed to react?"
"Robin, she lied to me," I frowned. "Manipulated me. I… have issues with that."
"Oh, yes, and you did absolutely no manipulation yourself," she said sarcastically.
"I was very up-front about the relationship I wanted," I reminded her.
"Yes, and I'm sure that's all well and good in your world," Robin seethed. "But this isn't your world. A woman can't just tramp around like that here in Ylisse. Maybe in Regna Ferox, but not here. By not marrying her, by keeping her at a distance like that, you were essentially condemning her to either a life as a whore, or simply dying."
"Don't over-exaggerate to defend what she did," I snapped.
"I'm not!" Robin shot back. "You are far from blameless! Have you ever actually stopped and paid attention to how things are done here!? You know who sleep with men when they want to get laid outside of a marriage? Whores. That's it. This idea of 'casual sex' as you keep calling it doesn't fucking exist here."
"Are you done?" I growled. "Yes, I fucked up. I'm sorry. I'm trying to fix things, okay? But I didn't exactly go on holiday, either. I've been training that regiment alone for the last year, Robin."
I was probably a little harsher than I should have been, but I hadn't been prepared for Robin to start defending Tharja like that.
It… surprisingly hurt a lot more than I'd been expecting.
"You tell yourself whatever you need to," she said darkly. "Justify it however you want. But we're done. Whatever could have been… it's over."
"Yeah, I figured," I sighed, massaging my brow. "We still have a job to do, though. I need to know you're still on my side, here. At least with the whole 'save the world' thing. Can you still work with me?"
Robin looked at me for a moment, her nostrils flaring as she bounced off the desk. She crossed the room in two steps, then punched me square in the jaw. She just glared as I fell back against the door.
"Yes, General," she said, turning her back. "I can work with you again now. So, get the fuck out of my office."
I massaged my jaw as I stood back up, frowning now while she took her seat behind her desk again.
"Staff meeting, first thing in the morning, Captain," I told her, my voice oddly slurred from her punch.
"I'll see you there, General," she said coldly.
No more words were exchanged, and I silently stepped back out into the hallway, gently closing the door behind me. I looked up, finding myself alone, and let out a shaky breath.
That had gone about as well as I'd expected.
I turned to go to my own room to cool down, only to find Archer sitting patiently in the middle of the floor at the head of the hallway. As soon as I spotted him, the big dog got up and padded over, parking his arse squarely on the toe of my boot before looking up at me.
"Archer, you glorious bastard," I sighed, already feeling some of the tension ebb as I stroked his head. "What do you think? Wanna see your new room?"
"Wuff."
"Yeah, I figured as much."
I sat in my darkened room, night having fallen not too long ago, brooding. I was perched on the edge of my bed, elbows resting on my knees, dog sleeping across my feet oblivious to my inner turmoil.
I couldn't calm down.
Even with Archer's presence, this place just held too many bad memories. So, I sat, staring at a spot on the floor, brow furrowed as I contemplated.
Something that Robin had said stuck in my head. That I 'wasn't blameless' in everything that had happened between Tharja and I. Tharja had lied to me. She had manipulated me. Sure, I hadn't exactly been the best kind of partner, or even man, but… surely my behavior was nowhere near her level.
Was it?
Robin had pointed out a fact I had forgotten; this wasn't my world.
I heaved a sigh, which caused Archer to twitch in his sleep.
The tactician was probably right. She usually was.
I knew for a fact that, by my own world's standards, I'd been a douche. My mother would probably slap me upside my head for my behavior since I got to Ylisse, not to mention the ass-whoopin' my father would give me. I'd been treating this like a game, because to me it still was. Subconsciously, I had still yet to totally let go and accept that this was real. This was life.
I had a fucking child now.
This wasn't a game.
I had seriously wronged Tharja.
But, how could I make things right? More importantly, should I make things right? I honestly didn't want to. I never wanted to see Tharja again. The only reason I was even entertaining the thought was for Noire's sake. I wanted her to have a family, even if it was dysfunctional. She was the real victim here, not me, sitting here feeling sorry for myself.
I groaned, resting my face in my hands.
"I fucked up," I said to myself.
"Wuff."
I glanced down through my fingers to see that Archer was looking up at me, his tail flopping back and forth lazily.
"No, it's true," I told him. "I fucked up."
"Arf."
"Easy for you to say," I sighed, letting my head droop again.
Archer gave a big dog-sigh and sat up, before twisting around and putting his head on my lap. This took a little doing for him, because he had to thread his face between my elbow and hip, but he did it, and gave another short sigh.
"I know, I know, I'm an asshole," I chuckled. "I don't deserve you."
I sat up and began to pet the dog, smiling a little as his tail started to wag. As I pet Archer, I looked around the darkened room with a small sigh. It was, of course, spotless. Elle had kept it perfectly ordered, just waiting for me to come back. Everything was where it should be.
It made me sick to my stomach.
Everything reminded me of that night I'd lost my mind and run out.
I sighed again as Archer started to lick my hand, realizing I'd stopped petting him.
"Sorry, boy," I said, resuming my attention.
Archer nuzzled into my lap for another few moments, before sitting up straight and whipping around to look at the door. I felt my heart practically stop as the door opened, and…
"Oh! Milord," Elle said, starting.
I gave a long sigh as Archer's tail started wagging.
"God damn, Elle, don't scare me like that," I said.
"Why are you just sitting here in the dark, milord?" she admonished, bustling into the room.
In short order, the young maid had opened the shutters and lit the lanterns in the corners to bathe the room in warm golden light.
"What are you doing?" I asked conversationally.
"I was going to turn down the bed for you, milord," she said. "I figured, with it being your first night back, I'd make everything as perfect as I could for you."
"Thank you, Elle," I sighed. "I don't deserve you."
"Well, I'm here anyway," she giggled. "Would you like me to bring your dinner up?"
"No, thank you," I told her. "I'm still not very hungry. But could you do me a favor and bring Archer out somewhere he can do his business? Once will be fine, just as long as he knows where to go and how to get out."
"Ah, of course, milord," Elle said brightly. "I'll bring him behind the kitchens where they leave the slop. I'm sure no one will mind."
"You're a gem, girl," I sighed, falling back on the bed, arms splayed.
"Stop buttering me up," Elle laughed. "Come on, boy. Let's take you outside."
There was a moment of silence, and I glanced up to see Archer looking at me expectantly.
"Well? Go on," I said, shooing him. "Follow Elle."
He responded to the note of command in my tone, getting up and padding over to the maid before instantly parking his arse on her foot.
"Well, aren't you friendly?" Elle smiled.
"Wuff."
"Go on, I'll be here when you get back," I said, flopping back down. "I ain't got nowhere better to be until Valm invades."
"You shouldn't be so flippant about something so terrible, milord," Elle sighed.
"Trust me, it's only around you," I sighed. "Giving you shit makes it really feel like I'm back."
"Ugh. I don't know how to respond to that," Elle said. "I will return with your dog shortly, and bring your dinner while I'm at it. You need to eat something."
I waved and made an inarticulate noise of assent as Elle left with Archer, closing the door behind her. Heaving a sigh, I ran sat up and ran my hands down my face, scrunching them through my beard before I sighed again and proceeded to straighten it. I felt restless, that much was certain, but I wouldn't be able to overcome this feeling unless I thought up other coping mechanisms besides just 'be attached to my dog'. Maybe if I did some push-ups or something…
I also contemplated going to find some of the people in the barracks I knew weren't mad at me, like Emm or Noire, but my thoughts we derailed when my door opened again. I rolled my eyes, thinking it was some little thing that Elle wanted to ask me about.
"What? He doesn't have a leash," I said, glancing up. "He'll follow you, trust… me…"
I froze when Tharja slipped into my room, an expression bordering on rapture on her face as she gently closed the door.
"You've come back to me," she whispered.
"Oh no," I said, jumping to my feet. "No, no, no, no. I have absolutely not. Get that idea out of your head right now."
Tharja shook her head, smiling lovingly.
"Of course you have," she said. "We are bound together, you and I."
"No, we're not," I said firmly. "Not the way you want. I'm sorry, Tharja. But I'm not in love with you."
She looked at me for a second, her face becoming a carefully neutral mask.
"Liar," she whispered at last. "You're testing me."
"No, I'm breaking up with you and apologizing simultaneously," I told her bluntly. "So. I'm sorry I was a jerk, but we're done."
Tharja looked at me for a moment longer, as if waiting to see if I was joking, before her face slowly morphed into a frown.
"I waited for you," she told me.
"You lied to me," I shot back.
"You left me no choice," she hissed. "What was I supposed to do?"
"You're right," I sighed, deflating a little. "I… treated you badly. We're a bad fit, Tharja. We both wanted different things out of a relationship, and I didn't take your feelings into consideration. I'm sorry."
"I will forgive you," Tharja said slowly, eyes narrowing. "If you stop this nonsense and never bring it up again."
"No," I said firmly. "I'm sorry, but I can't trust you anymore. We're done."
Tharja's eyes widened and she took a deep breath through her nose, and I internally prepared myself.
"How dare you treat me like some common harlot!?" she exploded. "I have done everything for you! Everything! I gave myself to you body and soul! I gave you a child! What more could you possibly ask!?"
"I didn't want that!" I told her firmly. "I was very clear about that. If you hadn't lied to me-"
"What!? You would have just… accepted everything as it stood!?" she spat bitterly. "You would have wed me, stopped keeping me at arm's length!?"
"You were the one who kept me at arm's length!" I snapped. "I reached out time and again, and you just ignored me!"
"Do not lie to me!" Tharja seethed.
"I'm not! You were just so self-absorbed you didn't even notice!" I growled.
"You dare accuse me of being self-absorbed!?" Tharja shouted, advancing on me. "You have only ever thought of yourself! Not me! Not Noire! No one, but yourself!"
"I know!" I said exasperatedly. "But don't you dare act like you're any different!"
"I thought of us," Tharja said, a note of pleading in her voice now.
"No," I shook my head. "You thought of yourself. You wanted to change me to suit your wants, what you wanted in a partner. You lied to me, and the trust I had for you is gone."
"So you just cast me aside!?" Tharja asked, slicing her hand through the air. "What of your precious daughter!? You will cast us out!?"
"Of course not," I said. "I've already started changing laws in Baham so that Noire can inherit my title. I still need to get Chrom to sign off on some stuff, but it's pretty much a done deal. And she's still our daughter, not just mine or yours."
"So you will return for her, but not me," Tharja spat bitterly.
"Of course I will," I snapped harshly. "She didn't do anything wrong! She deserves so much better than either of us have been giving her! Thank god that her future self was here to step up where we fucked up!"
Tharja winced and looked away, and I felt a small sense of satisfaction as I scored my first point against her. Of course, it was for naught, because this was all my fault to begin with, so I just ended up feeling like more of an asshole.
"Tharja, I'm not casting you out," I sighed. "I'm not sending you away, I'm not even going to make you move out of this weird communal living arrangement that's happened here. I just… can't be in a relationship with you anymore."
She didn't look up at me, only uttering one word.
"Bastard," she hissed.
"Guilty as charged," I frowned. "But we need to get our shit together and get ready for the Valm campaign. Do you think you can keep working with us, with me, for that?"
Tharja didn't answer, instead turning further away from me. I had to harden my heart as her shoulders started to shake, and she gave a pitiful sniffle. Of course, I didn't entirely trust that this was genuine, but either way, I had no desire to make anyone cry.
"Why do you hate me?" she asked weakly. "What did I do wrong? I don't understand why you don't love me?"
"Aside from the lying thing?" I deadpanned.
"I'm sorry!" she cried desperately, spinning.
Tears ran down her face, and I found myself thinking that if this was an act, it was damned convincing.
"I was scared!" she said. "Scared that you didn't love me the way I love you!"
"I don't love you the way you want me to, Tharja," I said evenly. "And I realize now that I never did."
"Then it was all just a game to you," she accused, stopping to try to hold back a sob. "I was just a conquest, a notch on your belt."
"It wasn't like that," I defended weakly.
"Liar!" Tharja screeched, flying at me.
I grabbed her wrists as she tried to claw at my face with her nails, gently holding her in place as she struggled and screamed at me.
"I hate you!" she screamed. "I hate you, you bastard! I hate you!"
Eventually she quieted, collapsing against my chest, and I finally released her hands. She sobbed, reaching up to grip handfuls of my jacket.
"I'm sorry, Tharja," I told her.
"I hate you," she repeated weakly.
"I know," I sighed. "I hate me, too."
"I… I could curse you, you know," she sniffled. "Make you think only of me. Lust only for me."
"You won't, though," I said.
"How do you know?" she asked, not looking up.
"Because you realize now that I'm right," I told her, stepping back. "And that we're not good for each other. We're just going to keep hurting each other."
"I can change," she pleaded. "I can be whatever you want."
"I don't want you to change, Tharja," I shook my head. "Not for me, or for anyone but yourself."
She reeled back a few steps, blinking at me as if seeing me for the first time.
"You really mean it," she said slowly.
"I do," I said sadly.
"And… and Noire?" she asked. "What of her? I won't let you take her from me!"
"I want you both to keep living here," I told her. "I want to be a part of her life. I want to be her father."
"You want to be part of her life," Tharja said accusingly. "Just not mine."
"Tharja-" I started.
"No," she said, standing up straight. "You are right. You are bad for me. You are not fit to be my husband, nor my partner. You are disgusting, Duke Ben of Baham. I truly despise you."
She tried to look strong, to look haughty and dismissive, but I could see the way her eyes brimmed, the way her lip trembled. She looked very young, in that moment, as she turned away from me and swept out into the hallway, slamming the door behind her.
I stood there for a moment, staring at the door, before I sighed and sank down onto the edge of the bed.
"That could have gone better," I muttered.
I sighed again, looking around the room, and shook my head. With a lurch, I got back up to my feet.
There was no way in hell I'd be able to sleep in here tonight. Not after that.
I blew out the lanterns that Elle had lit, then left, myself.
I had a couch in my office.
Wouldn't be the first time I'd slept on it.
I woke with a snort and a start, immediately groaning as the kink in my neck I'd earned for sleeping sitting at my desk made itself known. A dirty plate and cutlery sat on the corner of the desk from the dinner that Elle had brought me the previous evening, waiting to be taken away.
I blinked groggily, looking up at what had woken me at the same time as Archer, curled up on the floor at my side. We both had matching expressions on our faces as Elle came bustling into the room, arms laden with cloths and a bucket of water, before she stopped upon seeing us.
"Milord?" she asked.
"Guh?" I replied eloquently.
"Did you sleep here last night?" she asked slowly.
"Muh," I nodded, before letting out a long yawn and stretching my arms above my head. "And before you ask, no, nothing was wrong with my room, and yes, it was a wholly unpleasant experience."
"Oh, good, you can still speak," the maid giggled. "I was beginning to worry. I was going to tidy up before your meeting today."
I responded by blowing her a raspberry. Archer's tail began to wag as I slowly, creakily, rose to my feet and gave myself a cursory sniff, in case I needed to change. I was fine.
"Fine, I'll get out of your way," I mumbled, straightening my jacket.
I stopped at the door, Archer shooting me an impatient glare as I did so.
"Does it not bother you?" I asked. "Working in a barracks instead of some fancy nobleman's house?"
This apparently brought Elle up short, judging from the confused look she gave me. Eventually, she shook her head and smiled.
"It took a little getting used to," she admitted. "But the work is pretty much the same. The only difference is that there's a lot more people around. Why do you ask?"
"Just thinking out loud," I yawned, waving her off. "My brain hasn't finished booting up yet, don't pay any attention to me. Any breakfast around?"
"I brought some bread rolls and jam up to the common room," she said.
I grunted something vaguely gratitude-sounding and left her to her cleaning. Someone had to walk Archer, anyway. Well, not really, the dog was smarter than most of the recruits I'd trained and would have no doubt been able to make his way out to go to the toilet by himself, but I was stiff and wanted to move around a little.
I stepped into the little common room at the top of the stairs to the distant sounds of life, people waking and readying for the day. I found Emm studying the tray piled high with warm bread rolls, dressed in her cream dress and colorful island shawl, and the blonde woman looked up with a bright smile. Her smile faded slightly as she saw my disheveled appearance.
"Good morning, Ben," she said. "You look like you had a rough night."
"Two breakups in a row are rough at any time of day," I said darkly.
I snagged a couple bread rolls, stuffing one into my pocket as I stuffed the other into my mouth.
"Are you okay?" she asked, concern clear on her face.
"Fine," I said. "Gonna go walk my dog before the meeting."
"May I join you?" she asked, already stepping around the table.
"Be my guest," I yawned.
I allowed Archer to lead us down the stairs and out towards the back of the barracks, trotting along without a care in the world as he occasionally looked back to see if we were still following him.
"So, what happened?" Emm asked as we stepped into the morning sunlight.
I hissed and shielded my eyes from the relentless glare. Archer gave a happy bark and took off like a shot, racing over the short grass and packed dirt of the training ground. A few squads were already running laps in full kit, but they had the presence of mind to ignore the distraction while I was around.
"Robin broke up with me," I told her, looking around the grounds absently. "Officially, I mean. We kind of had a nebulous 'will they, won't they' thing going on. Then I broke things off with Tharja. Officially. She wasn't happy, neither of us really are, but we talked things out. Sorta. She hates me now, but I think she's finally in a place to move on. It'll be good for her."
I glanced down as Emm placed her hand on my arm, looking at me with naked concern now.
"I'm fine," I assured her. "It feels good. Like a weight's been lifted from my shoulders. I just slept like shit. You didn't hear us last night? My room is right across from Lucina's."
"No, we didn't hear anything," Emm shook her head.
"God damn, how thick are the walls in this place?" I muttered, glancing back at the barracks.
"Apparently very," Emm giggled. "So, what are you doing today, then? I admit that I do not know… what to do with myself now."
"I have a meeting with Chrom after this staff meeting," I sighed. "Which means I get to drag my sorry ass clear across town with a kink in my neck. After that, training and paperwork. I have a lot to get caught up on after spending so much time focused on Baham. As for you, I dunno. What do you want to do?"
Emm made a thoughtful sound, thinking to herself for a moment. I watched Archer chase the running soldiers around the training ground with a small smirk on my face, some of the men and women laughing and encouraging the old dog. Emm gave another giggle when she looked up and spotted this, too, and we just watched the spectacle together for a time.
"I want to be useful," she said eventually. "I do not wish to simply sit around, or get in anyone's way. I want to contribute."
"Olivia's always looking for extra hands," I suggested. "Or you could try talking to Libra and helping him get more of the Church on board. Actually, talk to Libra anyway, he's got a serious guilt complex about what happened to you. Hell, if you ask Lucina, I'm sure she'd be happy to run some light physical conditioning work with you, too."
"Yes, that all sounds perfect," Emm said excitedly, clapping her hands lightly.
"Come to the staff meeting, then," I told her, stifling a yawn. "We'll get it all set up."
"You really are not a morning person," Emm pointed out with a small, playful grin.
"I really slept like crap," I shrugged. "But, even under good circumstances, no, I'm really not."
"We will need to work on your sleeping habits, then," Emm said, in a tone that brokered absolutely no disagreement.
"Yes, mother," I droned, rolling my eyes.
Emm laughed and swatted at my shoulder with the back of her hand. I began to casually walk around the outside of the training ground, Emm keeping pace as we stretched our legs. It felt good, being outside on a mild southern spring morning like this. I pulled the second bread roll out of my pocket and began to eat, actually enjoying the fresh cooked bread this time as we strolled.
"You know, I'm kinda surprised Frederick hasn't shown up yet," I said conversationally between mouthfuls. "I figured he'd be weeping at your feet after what happened."
"Oh, he was here last night," Emm said.
"How thick are those walls!?" I asked exasperatedly.
"To be fair, you did have other things happening," Emm pointed out.
"Fair," I sighed. "So, how did things with big, stalwart and grumpy go?"
"He hugged me," Emm laughed. "He has barely ever touched me before, but as soon as he saw me, he pulled me into a great hug. It was adorable."
I actually snorted, treating myself to a mouthful of fresh bread flying right up into my sinuses and causing a coughing fit. Emm burst out laughing, slapping me on the back as I choked, until I was finally able to stand up straight again.
"Really? Frederick? Hugged someone? Willingly!?" I asked.
"Oh, he's not that bad," Emm chuckled.
"Watch him next time he and I are in the same room together," I deadpanned. "Watch him, and tell me I'm wrong."
"Well, he was very happy to see me well," Emm went on. "We had tea, and he told me about how Chrom and Lissa have been. He also mentioned that he has been courting a young woman in the Shepherds."
"Only he would be so pompous as to call it courting," I muttered.
"What is it called where you are from, then?" Emm huffed.
I opened my mouth to respond, only to recall the conversation I'd had with Robin yesterday. I sighed instead, running a hand over my stubbly head.
"Sorry, that was unfair," I said. "I keep forgetting this isn't… home. I'm working on it."
"I did not mean to sound harsh," Emm said.
"It's fine," I waved her off. "So. Fredward finally manned up and asked Sully out, huh?"
"Indeed," Emm said excitedly. "He told me all about it! And, being that they are both in service to my bro- ah, Exalt Chrom, neither has to give up their position!"
I smirked at her near slip, reminding myself that I had to be careful, too.
"Well, at least until Sully gets pregnant," I shrugged.
"Ah, yes, Lucina told me about Kjelle," Emm smirked conspiratorially.
"Maybe we should talk them into giving the poor girl a name easier to pronounce," I said, frowning. "And talk Nowi into giving Nah an actual name, instead of a sound that goats make."
Emm gave a long, girlish giggle, and I couldn't help but smile along a little. After the fight with Chrom on the Arturia, I'd been worried that I had soured the budding friendship between the two of us, but I was quietly relieved to see I'd been over-thinking things.
I did still glance over my shoulder to make sure Chrom wasn't secretly watching us, though.
"Let us not start playing with the timeline," Emm said, wiping a small tear from her eye. "Any more than necessary, anyway."
"I was gonna say," I scoffed.
I glanced at the rising sun, estimating that Elle had had more than enough time to tidy up my office by now.
"C'mon, let's get back to the barracks and get this meeting over and done with," I sighed.
"You… are sure you want me there?" Emm asked. "I am not part of your army, remember?"
"I did not go through all the effort of finding you only to bench you now," I told her.
I turned, putting my thumb and finger into my mouth and giving a loud whistle. Archer stopped chasing the soldiers immediately, head perking up for a moment before he took off back towards me, skidding to a stop at my feet.
I crossed my arms and looked at the dog with a quirked brow.
"What did you forget to do?" I asked him.
Archer quirked his head at me for a moment, before getting back up and trotting over towards the back of the kitchen, where Elle had said she would take him last night.
"Stupid dog," I smirked.
AN: Whoo, damn, this was a hard chapter to write, and not just emotionally. So, it took me a while to get this one done. Yeah. The delay was due to the fact that I slipped and broke my finger in two places, and I've only just kinda regained full use of it in the last few weeks. I actually broke off the corner of the knuckle, and I still get to wear a bright green splint while I'm sleeping. Fun stuff! On the plus side, I did get time off work, so... hey, brighter side, right?
Do I have anything to say about the chapter? Sorry to all you Robin shippers who I pissed off lol. I've been planning that since she confessed. I know; I'm a dick. Now that we're back in Ylisstol I'm looking forward to actually moving the damned story along, getting us to Valm, and reintroducing some familiar faces.
Also, sorry if there's any typos. My fingers don't sit right on my keyboard anymore, and it's been a gigantic pain in my ass. orz
Follow me on twitter to find out how you can support my work! -metalloverwrite
There's a Discord channel you can join to chat, too! It's pretty chill, but it's hella fun.
Check it all out, links are all on my bio page! Thanks for reading, and Nagaspeed!