Chapter 8
"I feel like we've been on this boat for years."
"It's only been about a week."
"I get bored."
Anna and I sat cross-legged in the middle of the floor of our little cabin, hands full of playing cards as we whiled away the hours waiting for the ship to finally reach its destination. Behind us, on the bed, Grima let out another weak groan.
"You need to eat something," I told her.
"Not until… the room… stops moving…" she mumbled.
"Is she okay?" Anna asked, leaning around me to glance at the bed.
I frowned, eyes narrowing as I tilted my cards back towards my chest.
"Yes, she's just being stubborn," I said. "Now stop trying to look at my cards and call it."
"Bah, fine," Anna huffed, throwing her cards down. "I fold."
I grinned, tossing my own cards down face up. Not a single one matched. A totally worthless hand.
"You bastard, you tricked me," Anna sighed.
"If I can bluff you, you don't stand a chance with other merchants," I chuckled.
Anna glared at the cards piled up on the floor as if they would somehow return her lost dignity to her. Unfortunately, we were only playing for fun, so I didn't win anything (except satisfaction). With a huff she began to gather the cards up, stacking them properly and turning them all the right way up with quick, nimble movements of her fingers.
"Again!" she demanded.
"Are you truly not tired of that game yet?" Grima asked, her head finally emerging from beneath her blanket cocoon for the first time that day.
"Shut it, Raven!" Anna snapped. "I'm an Anna! Annas don't lose!"
"Evidence to the contrary," I scoffed. "Wanna make it more interesting?"
"You're on!" she said haughtily. "What are we gambling for? Coins? Gold? Product?"
"Clothes," I said with an evil grin. "I think we may need to up the ante to get you to learn how to bluff properly. Let's play strip poker."
Anna's hands froze from where she was shuffling the cards and she went an interesting shade of pale at my declaration. Which was saying something, because as a redhead she was already hella pasty to begin with. Behind me Grima cackled, rolling onto her back and letting her hair drape over the edge of the small bed as she smiled at us upside down.
"Oh, I very much like this idea," she purred.
"It's not bad enough you have to beat me, now you want to humiliate me!?" Anna groaned.
"It's not humiliating you, it's incentivizing you!" I snickered. "Besides, you ain't got nothin' I haven't seen before."
"Not comforting," Anna frowned, blushing.
"Puh-leese," I said, rolling my eyes. "You wanted to learn from me? Lying is an important skill for a merchant. And poker is the best way to teach you to lie."
"Don't you mean 'bluffing'?" Anna deadpanned.
"I know what I said," I shot back with a grin. "Decent poker players bluff. Good players lie."
"Lying is already about eighty-five percent of what you do," Grima added playfully.
"You're not wrong," I shrugged.
"You're evil," Anna moaned. "You both are."
"Ah, so you do have the capacity for learning," I said with another small chuckle.
Anna opened her mouth to respond, looking quite irritated by our constant needling, but cut off at the crash from outside. As one, the three of us turned to look at the closed door, varying degrees of curiosity on our faces. Anna looked like she was just grateful for a reason to not have to play against me in strip poker. Grima looked like she was seriously debating leaving the bed for the first time in days, but seemed to quickly decide against it.
The ambient background noise from outside had been getting a little more frantic lately, but I just assumed it was because we'd been sailing in sight of land for the last couple of hours.
I glanced back over my shoulder at Grima quirking a brow. She sighed and retreated back beneath the blankets.
"Very well, go have your fun," she said. "I will just sit here. Sick. Alone."
"Drama queen," I grunted, climbing to my feet. "You could come with us."
"Not until the room stops moving," Grima groaned, her voice petulant.
Anna was already up and bouncing on her toes by the time I managed to clamber upright, groaning like an old man as I patted the dust off the seat of my pants.
"C'mon, let's go see what all the ruckus is," I sighed.
"And protect my cargo!" Anna declared.
"Yeah, I'm sure it has nothing to do with wanting to get out of my lesson," I said, rolling my eyes.
"You want me to get naked!" Anna huffed.
"No, I want you to get me naked," I said with a roguish grin. "Big difference."
I opened the door to the small cabin and stepped out onto the deck before Anna could respond. The sky was bright blue and cheerful, the distant shore of Plegia not so distant now as-
I gave a strangled yelp as something soft and fluffy impacted my face with all the subtlety of a baseball at Mach ten, surprised I didn't feel my nose break. There was a loud squawk as I batted whatever it was aside, shaking the stars out of my eyes to see…
"Seagulls!?" I said disbelievingly.
I watched as the one that had dive-bombed me squawked angrily again, flapping its way back into the air with the grace of a drunken chicken. The sky was full of the birds, wheeling and circling around the ship and its masts, diving at the sailors and the other miscellaneous crap on the deck. The poor bastard in the crow's nest was curled up in a ball, and the sails were already covered in bird shit.
"Hey!" Anna shouted at the birds. "Stay away from my cargo!"
The diminutive redhead shoved past me, darting between panicked sailors to move to protect her wagon. Fortunately, her draft horse was safely ensconced below-deck, but there hadn't been the space for the cart, which was currently covered in the white birds.
"Ben are you gonna help me or not!?" Anna screamed, waving ineffectively at the birds.
I couldn't help but smirk as I crossed the deck. The sailors, in an absolute panic, ran around as if their heads were on fire. The captain was shouting some nonsense, trying to be heard above the chaos, but either he was going unheard or he was being ignored. The old part of me, the military part of me, scoffed at the rampant lack of discipline on display. The newly-free-man part of me, though, thought all of this was damned funny.
Still, though, I needed to know what was going on…
With an almost manic grin on my face I grabbed the shoulder of the nearest sailor, lifted him off the deck, and threw him to the ground. All with one hand. It was a testament to the sheer panic of his friends and fellow sailors that none of them even noticed, but it was safe to say I'd gotten this one's attention.
"Start talking," I said. "What's with the birds, and why's no one doing anything?"
Before the terrified man could speak, one of the birds flew into the side of my head. I batted it away like I had the one before, blinking the stars out of my eyes with barely a flinch.
"Ow," I said.
"I-it's the birds!" the sailor stammered, his voice thick with a Plegian accent. "The… the birds!"
"You don't say," I deadpanned. "So why aren't you chasing them off or killing them-"
"No!" the sailor screeches, suddenly up on his knees. "We cannot kill them! It's… it's bad luck!"
I sighed, shaking my head and grinning again as I turned away from the sailor.
Of course.
Sailors always were a superstitious lot.
Bad juju to kill a seagull at sea.
Of course.
I ignored the sailor, letting him go back to his random panicking, and grabbed a mop from where one of the deck boys had left it leaning against a railing, throwing it to a shocked looking Anna as I approached her cart.
Then I started tearing ornery seagulls off her cart with my bare hands.
The birds were relentless, squawking and flapping and shitting as they all tried to get at whatever was beneath the thick canvas covering. I picked them up and tossed them aside, swatting the hovering ones away, ducking beneath the swooping ones. Anna got the hint, and began swinging the sodden mop around, batting the birds down or off her cart.
As I ducked beneath another of the birds, I realized something.
I was laughing.
"This is… ridiculous!" Anna screamed.
She swung the broom, another pissed off bird squawking in surprise and flapping off back into the sky in a spray of dirty mop water. I tossed another bird off the cart, directly up; it hit a third, and the two went flapping after the one Anna had hit.
"Yup!" I called back to her, sunny smile on my face.
"So why are you laughing!?" Anna demanded.
"Because this is so totally insane!" I said, climbing up onto the back of the cart.
Standing atop Anna's cart, I couldn't stop the fit of giggles I found myself afflicted with. I could see all the 'carnage' from up here. Sailors with small red marks where seagulls had bit them. Men passed out on the deck from running into each other, or slipping on the trails of white bird shit littering the deck. A few of the sailors were literally running around in circles, flapping their hands around their heads and screaming, with no birds anywhere near them.
It was all too much.
So, I laughed.
Another bird came swooping down towards the cart, and with almost manic glee I leapt to meet it, my warcry thundering above the chaos…
"SHORYUKEN!" I screamed, spinning and uppercutting the bird right out of the sky as I jumped.
Adding 'shoryuken-ing' a bird to the list of craziest, most fun shit I'd ever done. Right up there with sucker-punching a flying wyvern.
"What the hell was that!?" Anna screamed, coming around the side of her cart.
"What? The 'Rising Dragon Punch'?" I snickered. "It's an Ansatsuken move. A martial art."
From a video game I suck at, that I've never practiced or used before in real life, nor is it particularly feasible to use in an actual fight, but she doesn't need to know all that, I added in my head.
"I want that!" Anna demanded, stomping towards me. "Teach me that!"
To emphasize her point, Anna threw down the mop and took an incredibly sloppy mirror of the stance I'd shown her the other day, then started throwing random punches at the last of the birds.
Only, by now the birds had taken the hint, and the majority had already flown off back towards the mainland. There were still a couple stragglers continuing to harass the sailors, but the area around Anna's cart was clear. Well, clear except for the bird shit and discarded feathers.
"Alright, calm down, grasshopper," I chuckled, still grinning.
My face was starting to hurt from smiling, if I were honest.
Anna turned to me with a pout, lowering her fists. Her eyebrow shot up, though, as I approached, and I couldn't help but chuckle again.
"What?" I asked.
"Nothing, it's just… this is the first time I've seen you smile," Anna said, looking up at me. "I mean, really smile. I was starting to wonder if you even could. You're always so serious and intense."
I grinned and shrugged.
"Sometimes it just takes an attack by a bunch of pissed off seagulls to make your day," I laughed. "Better grab that mop you dropped. It's gonna take a while to clean up this mess."
"No way," Anna scoffed. "That's what I paid the sailors for."
"Ah! At last! Solid ground!"
Anna and I snickered as Grima practically sprinted down the gangplank and along the dock towards the shore, and I couldn't help but grin after her.
"Don't wander too far!" I called. "We don't want to get separated!"
She didn't respond, disappearing into the crowd at the harbor. Anna giggled, slapping me on the back.
"Why don't you two go check out the city?" she suggested. "I need to see about unloading my cart and horse, anyway. You remember the inn we're staying at?"
"Got it written on my hand," I smirked. "You sure you don't need some help?"
"I'll be fine," Anna promised. "I paid the fine sailors, after all. Go spend some time alone with Raven before she runs off."
I grinned and rubbed my hands together.
"Alright, meet you tonight at the inn," I said with barely disguised glee.
We had been on the ship from Ylisse for more than a week, and I really wanted to stretch my legs.
Anna just waved me off, turning back to the dock-workers who were brining in the primitive crane to lower her cart from the ship and leaving me to my own devices. I slipped into the crowd myself, casually looking around for a familiar head of white hair as I brushed a hand over my own lengthening stubble. The air, while still carrying the salty-dead-fish-human-waste tang of the harbor, was markedly drier and warmer than in Ylisse. Rather than paved cobblestone roads, they were packed dirt; rather than green weeds growing in every corner, there were whorls of dust and sand. Buildings were made of rough-cut sandstone, the pale stone giving off a totally different feel to the darker Ylissean rocks that so much of the southern lands were made from. The people, too, were different; gone were the pale complexions and light hair of Ylisse, to be replaced with heavy tans and almost uniformly black hair. Women wore covers over their heads, some even wearing veils over their faces.
We were officially in Plegia. I couldn't help but feel relief at the idea.
I weaved through the crowds on the wharf until my feet hit solid ground, my toes flexing automatically within my boots at the sensation as I let out a small sigh.
It really was good to be back on solid ground.
Ships didn't bother me like they did Robin or Grima, but I hated the claustrophobic feeling of everyone basically being on top of each other. As fascinating as shipboard societies were, Idid still like my space.
I also liked the idea of having a bed again, because for the last week Grima had had me sleeping on the damned floor, and my back was killing me.
I found the source of my irritation and insomnia squatting next to one of the walls lining the harbor, her back to the crowd and her forehead resting on the rough sandstone.
"What's wrong?" I called. "Thought you were ecstatic about being off the ship?"
As I approached Grima gave a little groan, looking up at me with an utterly stricken expression.
"Why does it still feel like I'm on that thrice-damned ship!?" she half-sobbed. "I still feel the movement of the waves! Ugh. I'm going to be sick."
I laughed, leaning down to rub comforting circles on her back.
"That happens," I told her. "It helps to walk around a little. If we go slow, do you think you could keep me company?"
"Can I hold onto your arm?" Grima asked in a small voice.
I laughed, straightening and offering my arm to her. Grima looked up at me for a moment before using the appendage to pull herself up, then leaning heavily against my shoulder. Her fingers had a death-grip on my forearm, and she gave another small groan as she righted herself.
"I am never travelling by ship again," Grima muttered.
"Beats walking," I said. "If we'd walked, we wouldn't even be halfway here yet."
I started to lead her towards what looked to be some sort of indoor marketplace as we spoke. The air was full of spices and the scent of cooking meat, as well as the animal musk of a lot of people in close proximity to each other. It was still early in the day, but I really didn't want to be around these crowds once the sun reached its zenith.
"We could have hired wyverns," Grima insisted.
"Wyverns… don't like me," I laughed.
Grima groaned and pouted, looking away as I laughed again.
The costal city of Misayl wasn't exactly one of Plegia's largest cities; Saiqat, Hutun and the Capital were all far bigger. Misayl was more of a waystation than a destination. People passed through, not often staying for long, which was perfect for our current needs. No one would ask any intrusive questions about who we were, or where we were going.
First things first, though; I needed to find a money-trader and change my Ylissean gold into Plegian silver. It would just make life easier.
I led Grima at a lazy pace through the market, looking for an exchange place that wasn't likely to be stupid enough to try to rip us off. Which meant that the most successful ones were out; they would try to keep a bigger cut, charge me more for the deal. For the same reason, we couldn't go to one of the smaller ones; they'd pull the same shit, just with different motivations. We needed a moderately successful trader, one with less of a crowd, but enough business to know they would deal fairly with us. I managed to find one without too much incident, changing over the last of Chrom's shiny gold coins for a fairly substantial amount of Plegian coin.
Grima and I spent the rest of the day wandering around the busy city beneath the shade-cloths hung over the marketplaces. We stopped for a late lunch at some street stall, eating skewers of random, unidentifiable meat slathered in spices. It wasn't bad, and Grima seemed to really appreciate solid food again, wolfing down nearly twice as many as I did. After that, I led her up some stairs into the more residential areas, where the nicer inns and taverns were. We continued to look around, moving at our own pace, Grima still attached to my arm. Her closeness to me and her uncovered hair seemed to be drawing a few disapproving looks, but nothing too bad. Once we moved further inland, though, it could become a problem, depending on where we went. Smaller villages may force her to cover up, but I doubted we'd have any trouble in Saiqat or the Capital.
As the sun began to sink below the horizon, the temperature began to drop with it, and as twilight descended I actually found myself feeling a little bit of a chill.
"Come on, let's head back to the docks, find that inn," I suggested.
Grima just nodded, staring absently at the city around us as I continued to lead.
She had been quiet most of the day, initially on guard around so many humans. She must have gotten bored of being wary, though, because after lunch she'd relaxed, and begun to look at the city with more curiosity than mistrust.
"Are all cities like this?" she asked. "I admit, this is my first time really… just walking through one."
"No two cities are alike," I told her.
"Humans are such fascinating creatures," Grima said, almost wistfully. "So varied, so different from one another. I'm only just now beginning to realize the scope of it."
"After, what, two villages and a small city?" I laughed. "Wait until you see Valm from the ground. It's insane."
"I expect you will escort me properly when we do go," Grima said with a small grin.
"As long as you don't mind getting just as lost as I will, sure," I chuckled.
Grima just smiled and pulled herself closer to me, resting her head against my shoulder.
"I thought that was the whole point of what we were doing," she said, her voice wistful. "Getting lost. Seeing everything there is to see. Wandering wherever we can."
"Wow, way to romanticize it," I said.
Grima just chuckled in response, blushing a little as we continued on in comfortable silence.
"And voila!" Anna declared with a flourish. "Your accommodations, sir and madam!"
"Bed!" I shouted.
I flopped face-first onto the bed, letting the tension drain out of my frame with a low groan.
The room was small, little more than a bed and a chair in the corner, but it was dry and had a bed big enough that I wouldn't be relegated to floor again, so it was perfect to my mind.
The sun had gone down, the cool desert night chilling the air considerably now. Not to the point that our breath was fogging or anything, but it was a noticeable chill.
Grima perched on the edge of the bed as Anna moved to take the chair with an impish grin on her face. From experience, I knew it was rarely a good thing when an Anna made that face, but I was too enamored with the idea of 'bed' to care.
"Where will you be sleeping?" Grima asked. "I don't mind sharing, but I don't think there's enough room for three on here."
"I will sleep in the stables before I sleep on the floor again," I said, my voice muffled by the fact I was still face-down.
"No, no, that won't be necessary," Anna laughed, waving me off. "If you're going to be working for me, the least I can do is spring for an extra room while we're in town."
"Last time I checked, teaching you didn't mean working for you," I deadpanned.
I grunted when I finished speaking, rolling onto my back with effort. As I came to a stop my hip bumped into Grima's, and she looked down at me with a fond smile. The smile turned predatory after a moment, though, and I found myself scooting away from her.
"Well, then we should probably do this now," Grima said. "Ben? Do you remember that comment about 'inbreeding' you made on the boat?"
"Eep."
"I think it's time for another lesson for Anna," Grima went on.
"Oh, heh, gee, Raven, I don't know, it's been a really long day," Anna said quickly, practically jumping from her seat.
"Sit," Grima commanded.
Anna squeaked and did as told, her ass impacting the simple wooden chair with a slap. Grima grinned, crossing her legs before crossing her arms beneath her breasts. I slowly sat up, eyes narrowing.
"What are you planning?" I asked.
"I want you to explain something to Anna," Grima purred. "I want you to explain to her where babies come from."
"What!?" Anna and I both shouted at once.
"I already got that talk from my sisters, thanks!" Anna said, blushing as red as her hair.
"What, you wanna do it with an audience?" I asked, casting a glance over at Anna before shrugging. "I mean, I don't mind, but…"
"Oh no," Grima chuckled darkly. "You're going to explain every awkward detail to her. Or no 'fun' tonight."
My eyes widened, and I pivoted to face Anna with an almost panicked expression on my face.
"Anna, when a man and a woman are in love, or very drunk, they-"
"Nooooooooo! Aaaaaaaaaaaa! Stop! Stopstopstopstopstopstop!" Anna cried, leaping to her feet again and dashing from the room. "You two are weird! You two are so weird! No!"
Grima actually fell off the bed she was laughing so hard, holding her stomach and rolling around on the floor in hysterics as I chuckled a little. After a while Grima sat up, propping one arm on the edge of the bed to hold herself up.
"Oh, this is going to be a fun trip," she said, wiping tears from the corners of her eyes.
"How did you know that that would get such a strong reaction?" I asked.
"Robin's memories," Grima supplied. "You humans are so weird about your mating habits. Present company excluded, of course."
"No, actually, I'm the weird one about them," I shrugged, leaning back against the headboard, one leg still dangling on the floor.
Grima pushed herself up, shrugging off her coat and hanging it on the hook next to the door, before kicking the door closed and descending the room into darkness. I shrugged off my shirt, tossing it aside, grinning as I heard the unmistakable sound of Grima removing her belt and stepping out of her pants.
The bed shifted, Grima planting one knee on the edge between my legs, her breath tickling my face with how close she was.
"Well, somebody missed this," I chuckled.
I brought my hands up, sliding around Grima's waist-
"Ah!" she snapped, slapping my hands off.
"What? What's wrong?" I asked, sitting up straighter.
"You didn't explain reproduction to Anna," Grima said with a chuckle.
"Hey, I tried!" I cried indignantly.
"Close, but yet so… so… far…" she whispered in my ear.
And with that, she slid off of me, moving across to the opposite side of the bed and brushing her breast on my shoulder just to add insult to injury. There was a rustling sound as she began to get comfortable, and I just sat there in stunned silence.
"You are such a tease," I growled, shaking my head with a smirk.
Well, two can play at that game, I thought, kicking off my boots and sliding into bed next to her.
I rolled onto my side, facing away from Grima and waiting for her to cave. It only took a few minutes, but eventually there was some rustling as Grima rolled over, and I practically shivered in anticipation.
"Ben?" she asked softly.
"Yes?" I responded.
Grima shifted again, and I found two very cold feet pressed into the small of my back. I gave a yelp, actually jumping so much I fell out of the bed onto the floor.
With a low groan I rolled onto my back, the rough floorboards creaking beneath me as Grima grinned down at me.
"I regret ever trying to sass you," I deadpanned.
"See? You do have the capacity for learning," Grima chuckled.
I groaned as Grima disappeared back onto the bed, moving to sit up, only to be knocked back down when a pillow landed on my face. Grima reappeared, an evil grin on her face.
"You cannot be serious," I sobbed melodramatically.
"Of course I am. I just assumed you had gotten used to the floor," she said, disappearing back onto the bed. "Oh, by the way… now? Now we're even."
"Bitch," I groaned.
"You love it," she laughed atop the bed.
AN: AAAAAA I'M SORRY I KNOW I SUCK AT KEEPING DEADLINES! I'm really sorry! It's... it's not like I want you all to read this or anything! Hmph! Baka!
Sorry, I've been drinking...
I'll have a note in the next Self Insert chapter in a few days. Canon self insert, not this mess.
Do I have anyhting to actually say about this chapter? Not ewea;;y. I'm just gonna... go leu down.
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