Hi guys, hope you're all doing wonderfully.
I have to thank all of you for your comments on the last chapter. It was a big one! And there's so much more to come, so I'm happy to have you along on this ride.
Thanks to Christine for her magic beta skills and endless patience, and to Sofi for pointing out the little details that I miss.
This chapter's song is Chase the Night Away.
Enjoy!
You can chase the night away
Guess I'm trying to say
You heal me like the light of day
You can keep me searching on
You say it won't be long
'Til all the pain you felt is gone
It won't be long
It was late, so late, later than he had intended. He didn't even turn on the lights, making his way blindly across the apartment, taking off his coat and scarf and dropping them on the back of the couch as he tried to get to the bedroom. He accidentally stepped on something – it looked like Theo's favorite train, and he cursed under his breath. If he broke his son's toy, there would be hell to pay in the morning.
Blaine made it to his bedroom and opened the door slowly, carefully. He put his pajamas on in the darkness and then slipped into bed. Part of him was paranoid: what if he smelled like Kurt? What if there were marks on his skin, visible, tangible proof of what he had just done?
But there was also a very pleasant buzz going through him, and he was exhausted. His limbs felt like they were filled with lead. He buried his head in the pillow, ready for sleep to take him…
"Where were you?"
The voice startled him. He hadn't expected Jack to be awake.
"I told you, I was having drinks with some friends from work," he replied, and he hoped he didn't sound as guilty as he suddenly felt.
He hated lying. It was so unlike him.
"I thought you were going to be home earlier…" Jack commented.
"Yeah, me too," Blaine said, and thought, thought, thought of what to say next. "Marilyn was upset because she had a fight with her boyfriend. She drank a little too much and we had to take her home and make sure she was alright. And then I couldn't get a cab, so…"
It was true about the cab. Or it was, at least, a partial truth. Because he had stood on the sidewalk, trying to hail one, and getting distracted kissing Kurt.
"The kids were asking about you," Jack said, and now the guilt drilled a hole in his stomach. "Lena had a hissy fit at bedtime because she wanted you to read her a story."
"I'm sorry," Blaine said quietly. "I'll make it up to her tomorrow."
"You've been going out more lately," Jack said. The tone of his voice told Blaine he wasn't exactly pleased about it.
"Yeah," Blaine said lightly. He felt bad about leaving his kids, but he didn't want to feel bad for not being home sitting all day waiting for his husband to stop fucking his boyfriend and remember he had a family. "I think I need some time to myself. I've been overwhelmed lately, with work and the house chores and the kids…"
Jack grumbled under his breath. "I'm meeting the guys to play tennis tomorrow," he said, like he hadn't heard a word Blaine had just said. Or he didn't care. "So you'll have to stay with the kids."
He's not going to play tennis, Blaine knew. He probably wanted to make up for lost time with Eddie.
He found he didn't quite care, either, not right now, when he could still feel the ghost of Kurt's touch on his body.
"Okay," he said simply.
They didn't say another word.
The drop of sweat was making its way down Kurt's throat so Blaine leaned in and caught it with the tip of his tongue, only to close his lips around the skin there, kissing and sucking. Kurt bucked his hips up, searching for more friction, and let out a quiet little moan.
They were so close – they had been grinding against each other for a little while now, but they had been mostly focusing on kissing, because that was enough, in a way. It made everything better, when they kissed. The world around them made sense.
It made Blaine feel connected and safe, and seen.
They were in the same hotel room, and it was like a new haven for them. They could close the door, shut the blinds and leave the city away, forget where they were, like they existed in a different place and different time than the outside world. Blaine had come to love this room – not only because he could have Kurt here, but because he felt every tension slip from his shoulders, like nothing could touch him, except for Kurt.
Kurt looked so beautiful spread out on the bed underneath him. There was a lazy smile on his lips that Blaine couldn't stop himself from kissing. His blue eyes were bright. He was a vision, a real vision, come alive from one of Blaine's dreams.
How had he got so lucky?
Kurt let his hands trail down Blaine's back, until they settled on his ass. Blaine smirked down at him – he had already noticed Kurt was obsessed with his backside. He wasn't about to complain. He felt appreciated.
"I wish we had a bit more time," Blaine whispered, as he thrust a little more sharply. Their cocks were perfectly aligned, trapped between their bellies. "You could have fucked me."
Kurt lifted one of his hands, caressed the hair on Blaine's temple, and then cupped his cheek, bringing him into yet another kiss – how many times have they kissed? It felt surreal that they had lost count by now. Maybe Blaine should have been treasuring them, cataloguing them, keeping them perfectly organized in his memory.
"Or you could have fucked me," Kurt whispered against his lips.
Blaine groaned and let the pace get faster, urgency tugging at his insides. "You want that?"
"Baby, I've told you," Kurt said. "I want everything with you."
Blaine came with a gasp, painting Kurt's skin in white pearly strings. Then he slid down his body, to take care of his own mess, to take Kurt into his mouth and bring him to the same destination.
They didn't have much time for the afterglow – Blaine needed to pick up the kids at their karate and piano classes. Kurt wrapped his arms around him from behind, still completely naked, while Blaine finished fixing his hair in the mirror, clothes already on.
"Can I see you again tomorrow?" Kurt asked quietly, dropping a quick kiss to the edge of his jaw.
Blaine looked at him in the mirror, apologetically. "I don't know," he said. "Jack has a surgery tomorrow and he won't be able to pick the kids up at school. I have a few errands to run as well, so I'll be dragging the kids along with me."
"I could…" Kurt cleared his throat, awkwardly. "I could help you with those errands?"
Blaine stared at him, truly hesitating for a moment. Lena would be ecstatic to see him again, but Blaine wasn't sure it was a good idea. "Kurt, I…"
Kurt shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said at once, pulling away. "It's weird, I know. It's not my place to ask this of you."
"Hey," Blaine turned around. It was hard not to look at Kurt's body – he was so gorgeous. "It's fine. I know you mean well. I just… I don't think I want to get my kids involved in… in this."
Kurt smiled at him, and it was obvious it took effort to make it look genuine. "It was really stupid of me to say that. Don't worry. It's just that I can't get enough of you."
Blaine placed a quick, rather chaste kiss on his lips. "I'll text you, alright? I'll let you know as soon as I can see you again. I think Wednesday might be good."
"Okay," Kurt said.
Blaine kissed him again, a little longer, a little deeper, like he was trying to stock up on it for the next couple of days.
Maybe if he had been able to be kissing Kurt constantly, everything would have been easier, everything would have made more sense.
Walking away from him every time felt like leaving a piece of himself behind.
It was as if Kurt's entire life was paused. He went through the motions of everyday stuff – grocery shopping and cleaning Petra's litter box and doing laundry and paying bills – but his mind was elsewhere. It was like filling every available second with unimportant things while he waited for the real important one to be back.
Blaine. Blaine was the most important one.
He hadn't expected to feel like this. He hadn't expected his whole life to revolve around Blaine all of a sudden – he checked his phone every five minutes, worried he had missed a text from him; he was constantly making sure he didn't schedule appointments on the days Blaine was usually free; even his friends had started noticing there was something different with him.
"You seem a million miles away lately," Santana had commented when she called him. "What's wrong? Are you still having issues with Ian?"
Ian. He should have thought of his husband more, shouldn't he? He should have noticed his absence more. He should have missed him.
But Blaine consumed everything – every single one of his waking thoughts went to him and, sometimes, he would dream of him, too, and he would wake up hard and panting, reaching for someone that wasn't there…
"Everything's fine," Kurt had told her. "I'm just busy with work."
He knew she would never understand. Santana had married Brittany knowing she was marrying the love of her life, knowing they were destined to be together, knowing that her happiness was wherever Brittany was. How could he explain to her that his happiness was so carefully tangled in Blaine, someone who had been a stranger not that long ago?
He didn't want to hear what she would have to say. He didn't want her judgement. He didn't want her to unleash the guilt that was buried deep down inside of him, where he could ignore it.
Because the guilt was there, somewhere. He knew that what he was doing wasn't right.
But wanting Blaine was more overpowering than anything else he felt. It was the only thing he could feel, sometimes.
And he wanted him. God, did he want him. Their chemistry was perfect and Kurt felt sparks all over his body whenever they were together. All Blaine had to do was put his fingertips on Kurt's skin, and he burned.
And that was nothing compared to how his heart reacted to it all.
Kurt sighed. He had been sitting at his computer all morning, the blank document glaring at him, getting absolutely nothing done. Maybe he could grab a cup of coffee, at least to give himself something to do…
The front door opened just as Kurt was making his way to the kitchen, startling him halfway to a heart attack. He gasped as he turned to see if he was about to be robbed, but instead he found himself looking at his husband for the first time in two weeks.
He was dragging his suitcase behind him, and his hair was the kind of messy that it always got after a long flight. He had a big bouquet of roses in his hands and an even bigger smile on his face.
"Surprise!" He said.
Kurt had been supposed to get him at the airport the following morning. He didn't understand what was going on. "You… are home early," he said.
Ian closed the distance between them, chuckling. "I thought you'd like a surprise. I figured you'd be going crazy, alone in this apartment for two weeks. I missed you," he muttered, and leaned in for a kiss.
Kurt kissed back, like it was only an afterthought. He accepted the flowers. "Thank you, I… I don't know what to say."
Ian grinned. "Look at you, you're so shocked. How about we go out for dinner tonight? I want to celebrate being home. And there's so much I want to tell you… it's been a great trip."
"Okay," Kurt managed to say, too stunned to think of anything else.
"Great," Ian said, before walking past him, further into the apartment. "I'm gonna go take a shower now. I'm exhausted. I might take a little nap, too."
Kurt watched him go, frozen in the middle of the hallway, the flowers in his grasp feeling like they didn't belong there at all. Dinner with Ian tonight meant he couldn't meet up with Blaine like they had planned.
The anguish settled inside him at once. In the past two weeks, he had gotten used to coming and going without giving anyone any explanations, rushing to Blaine's side whenever he was free.
He couldn't feel the guilt right now – it was like it had vanished. Instead, he was filled with a bitter disappointment.
The tile wall was cold against his back, and the shower spray was too hot, the contrast almost unbearable, but Blaine couldn't bring himself to care, not right now, not when Kurt had his mouth on him, sucking him with a kind of hunger he hadn't seen before. It was like the week they had spent apart had taken a toll on him – and god, it had certainly taken a toll on Blaine, too. He wasn't sure how they had survived it.
They had already come twice in the bedroom, before moving to the shower. They were running out of time, but they weren't running out of urgency. Blaine's body was demanding, it wanted more, it needed more.
One of Kurt's hands was resting on his stomach, the other one digging anxious fingers into his hipbones. Blaine hadn't found the need to hide the marks Kurt kept leaving all over his body – it wasn't like anyone else was touching him like this. And he liked it, getting undressed in front of the bathroom mirror, and seeing the vestiges of what Kurt made him feel, the vestiges of what they could do together.
Kurt pulled off, his lips cherry red, his eyes dark and wild with arousal. He looked up at him, the water falling on him, making his usually sky-high hair fall down on his face. He looked younger like this, but just as beautiful as ever. Blaine reached down and cupped his face gently, smiling at him, a small pause in the heat, interrupted by sudden tenderness.
Kurt's voice was rough, nothing of its usual crystalline quality to it, when he said: "Turn around, baby."
Blaine whimpered, the heat returning to him at once, pooling in his belly, as he did what he was told. Kurt didn't waste a single second – he parted his cheeks, fingers digging into the flesh there, and then simply moved in, his hot mouth on Blaine's hole, his tongue lapping at it greedily.
Blaine gasped into the tiles, and pushed back against Kurt's face, wanting more.
He always wanted more with him. The little moments they stole to be together were rarely enough.
Blaine closed his eyes and willed this one to last.
Sleep was still clinging to him like a lover when a pair of hands settled on his waist from behind, pulling him closer, lips at the back of his neck, slow and tentative in the early morning. Blaine let the smile pull at his lips without opening his eyes. It was so nice to wake up with Kurt like this…
That thought snapped him awake, the sudden realization that this couldn't be Kurt hitting him like a lash.
Jack was mouthing at his ear, his erection pressed snuggly against Blaine's ass, moving slowly, slowly, trying to get some friction.
And Blaine felt absolutely nothing. A few weeks ago he would have gone weak in the knees for this little bit of attention, after going untouched for so long. But now… oh now he was more satisfied than he had been in years. He wasn't looking for a pity fuck from his husband who may or may not be actually thinking about someone else as he grinded against him, still half-asleep.
"Jack," he said, louder and more sharply than he had intended. "Stop that."
Jack froze, fingers still clinging to him. "Why?" He said, carefully. "It's early. The kids won't be up for another hour, at least."
"Because I'm not in the mood," Blaine replied.
Jack nuzzled against his neck. "Hey, come on. It's been a while. And you look amazing since you started going to the gym regularly…"
Blaine slipped out of his arms and sat up in bed. He looked down at him disdainfully. "As much as I love being objectified by my husband, I think we can both agree that's not enough to get me all hot and bothered."
Jack frowned at him. Whatever spark of arousal had been in his eyes, vanished at once. "Why are you being such a bitch lately?"
Blaine's eyes widened, incredulous. "You did not just call me that."
Jack groaned and ran a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. But I just…" He sat up too. He looked amazing, too, had always been so, so attractive… but he didn't make Blaine's blood run hot anymore. He didn't make lust pool down in his belly at once. "I don't understand you. You complain that I don't pay attention to you and you are all distant and mad at me, but when I try to get closer, you don't want it, either."
Maybe it could have been the perfect time to be honest. Maybe it was the perfect time to tell him he knew, to tell him he didn't want to be touched by a man who had been cheating on him for god knows how long.
Maybe it was time to tell him that he had found someone, too, someone who didn't make him feel like he didn't matter, someone who looked at him and smiled every time, someone who touched him like he was precious and irresistible…
But he couldn't do that. What would the truth do to their kids?
"I need more than a morning quickie before the kids wake up," Blaine replied, because it was the closest thing to the truth that he could give him right now. "And I need more than sex to have a happy marriage, Jack. This right now? It's not going to fix anything. And if you were hoping to make me feel better, then I'm afraid you've only made me feel worse."
Jack watched him get out of bed. He frowned. "Where are you going?"
"Well, you already woke me up," Blaine said as he went to their closet to find some clothes. "I'm gonna go out for a run."
"Blaine, it's freezing," Jack retorted, looking at him like he thought Blaine had lost his mind.
"I'll be back to make the kids' breakfast," Blaine said, like he hadn't heard him.
He left before his husband noticed that what he was actually craving was another man's touch.
Kurt threw his head back, gasping at the ceiling. Blaine held his hips, watching him in awe: the expanse of his pale, naked chest shining with sweat, the strength of his thighs as he rose himself up only to drop back down again, fucking himself on Blaine's cock. It was a poem spelled out in the undulation of his body, in quiet little moans that escaped from his mouth. His hands were pressed on Blaine's chest, one of them feeling his heartbeat, keeping himself upright. Blaine was so mesmerized that he almost missed out on his own pleasure – it was beautiful enough to see him like this.
"Blaine, sweetheart," he said, and his voice was Blaine's favorite sound. "I'm so close."
Blaine groaned – he had lost his ability to use proper words long ago, when Kurt had climbed on top of him, all long and graceful and sexy, like he had come straight out of one Blaine's fantasies.
He tried to reach for Kurt's cock, wanting to help him, but Kurt brushed his hand away.
"No, no, like this," he said, lifting himself up, changing angles and dropping down once more. Blaine moaned. It somehow felt like he was buried even deeper inside him. "I can come just from this…"
"Fuck, Kurt," Blaine whined. "You're so fucking hot."
Kurt smirked down at him. "Why, Mr. Anderson. Do you talk to your little students with that potty mouth of yours?"
"Shut up," Blaine said, with what sounded like half a chuckle, half a grunt. He grabbed his hips and thrust up as hard as he could, making Kurt release another gasp, the smirk falling from his face. "Can you go a little faster?"
Kurt didn't reply, he simply picked up the pace, fucking himself fast and deep on Blaine's cock. "God, you feel amazing inside of me. So big, so full…" he muttered brokenly. "I wish I could feel you like this all day every day."
Blaine sat up, wrapping his arms around him, fingers splayed on his broad back, and went in for a slow kiss. It was better like this, having him this close, feeling Kurt's erection pressing against his stomach, leaving a smear of pre-come on his skin.
"Yes," Kurt murmured, throwing his arms around Blaine's neck, pulling him even closer. One of his hands went to the back of his head and he tugged on his hair, fingers fisting the curls. "Yes, baby, just like that…"
"How can you still be this tight?" Blaine groaned.
Instead of answering, Kurt tugged on his curls to bring Blaine's mouth to his, kissing him deep and a little dirty, his tongue slipping into his mouth. Blaine sucked on it greedily.
Their orgasms seemed to hit out of nowhere – for a moment they even forgot they were chasing the release, too focused on how good it felt to be like this, wishing it could last forever.
Afterwards, skin sticky with sweat and come, they laid together on the hotel bed, Kurt's head on Blaine's chest, their legs tangled, both reluctant to pull away and go back to the real world. But the real world always caught up with them.
"How long before you have to go?" Kurt asked quietly, tracing a circle on Blaine's chest, scratching slightly at the dusting of hair there.
Blaine sighed and touched his phone, which he had left on the bedside table. "Fifteen minutes."
Kurt's arm tightened around him. "Can't Jack pick up the kids today?" He said. He was always so careful not to mention their husbands, but today he was particularly needy – he didn't want to see Blaine walk away so soon.
"Don't even know where Jack is today," Blaine said, with a little shrug. "Supposedly, he's at work. But he wasn't originally scheduled to work today, so… he's probably with Eddie."
"I want more time with you," Kurt admitted. It made him feel small and vulnerable to say that, but it was true. "And not just this – I miss our coffee dates. We've been locking ourselves up in this hotel room, and I miss… I miss everything. I miss sitting with you, holding your hand, drinking coffee. I miss just talking to you."
Blaine dropped a kiss to his forehead. "I know. It's just… I don't know how we can get it all. Everything's been so crazy and so busy…"
"How…" Kurt cleared his throat, sounding unsure. "How are the kids doing?"
"They're okay. They haven't noticed anything different, if that's what you mean," Blaine said. "Lena's excited. She has a role in the Christmas play at school this year. She's the winter fairy."
Kurt smiled, and Blaine could feel the curling of his lips against his chest. "I bet she'll look adorable. Will you send me pictures?"
"Sure," Blaine said.
"What are you doing for Christmas? Are you staying in New York or visiting family elsewhere?" Kurt wanted to know.
"My brother and his wife are coming over for Christmas. They do that every year," Blaine replied. "What about you?"
"We're heading to Ohio to see my family," Kurt said. "I'm excited, actually. I miss my dad so much."
Blaine smiled. "Then I'm glad you'll get to spend time with him even if… even if I'm going to miss you."
"I'll miss you, too," Kurt said. He shifted until his chin was resting on his linked hands on Blaine's chest and he was looking up at him. "Do you… do you think I can call you? For Christmas?"
Blaine wasn't looking forward to two weeks of not seeing him. "I don't know," he admitted. "You can try. I can let you know when I'm free and alone."
Kurt smirked, but it looked a little sad. "It doesn't have to be a dirty phone call, you know. I'll just… I'll just want to hear your voice."
"I'll want to hear your voice, too," Blaine said.
Kurt kissed the center of his chest and held him again, like they weren't running out of minutes, like they had all the time in the world to stay just like this.
Sorry I'm distracted by
Things that you can't help with
Aloneness you can't recognize
Or know unless you've felt it
Show me how to love again
Let the branches bend
Life's rolling on, rolling on
The week leading up to Christmas break was insane. Work piled up on Blaine's desk, he had parent-teacher meetings scheduled even during his lunch break, and things at home weren't much easier. Between having to get Lena's costume for the play (he had been tempted to ask for Kurt's help, but he didn't want to abuse Kurt's willingness to please him) and Theo catching a very nasty cold, he was running on no sleep. He hadn't even finished picking up the Christmas presents for the kids, and for the first time in years, he had to delegate that to Jack (who would probably delegate it to his secretary).
"I'm sorry," Blaine whispered into the phone. Theo was asleep in his arms, but restlessly, tossing, his little nose red and his cute little lips turned into a pout. He was clearly so uncomfortable. Blaine swayed him gently around – he was getting too big to be held like this, but Blaine was going to cling to his little boy until he couldn't physically pick him up anymore – which seemed to calm him a bit. Whenever Blaine tried to sit down or put him back in his bed, he woke up and started crying. "Theo's fever is not going down, I had to miss work today and stay with him. I don't think I can meet you later."
"Blaine, it's fine," Kurt said softly. "Your son needs you. You're exactly where you're supposed to be."
"I know," Blaine said miserably. He pressed his lips to Theo's forehead, feeling how hot his skin was. "But I still feel bad. You're leaving for Ohio this weekend and it doesn't look like I'll get to see you before then…"
"It's fine," Kurt repeated, his voice so gentle that Blaine could have burst into tears. He was so exhausted. "You'll be here when I get back, right?"
There was something so tentative about his question, almost afraid, and Blaine would have noticed it if he hadn't been so frantically worried about his little boy.
"Yes, yes, of course," he said distractedly.
There was a pause while Blaine rearranged Theo in his arms and hummed a little melody to help him stay asleep.
"Blaine, what's your address?" Kurt asked, and that made Blaine pause again.
"What?" He muttered. "What do you want my address for?"
He knew Kurt was rolling his eyes even though he couldn't see him. "I'm not going to show up at your home, Blaine," he said in a monotone. "Don't you trust me? I'm not that kind of guy."
Blaine's voice softened. "I know. You're a wonderful kind of guy. You just… took me by surprise."
"It's fine if you don't want to give it to me," Kurt said, and he was incredibly lousy at hiding the tinge of sadness in his voice. "I understand. I just wanted to do something nice for you. Help you. I feel bad that I can't help you."
"I'll text it to you in a minute," Blaine answered. "I do trust you. And you don't need to feel bad. This kind of thing happens. Life with kids is messy."
There was wistfulness in Kurt's words: "But a wonderful kind of mess, isn't it?"
Blaine glanced down at Theo. He had finally quieted down. His skin was flushed from the fever, but he was still the cutest little boy in the world. "The best kind of mess, yes." He sighed. "The worst kind of mess is when I don't get to see you."
"I'm not going anywhere," Kurt said. "I mean, I'm going to Ohio for Christmas, but I'm not going anywhere. You know that, don't you?"
Blaine didn't know what to say to that – because he wanted to say that he wasn't going anywhere either, but was that something they could both promise? It was all too complicated, and there were other people involved, and Blaine didn't like to actually think about this for too long because the guilt threatened to swallow him whole…
So it was an empty promise. And Blaine was so done with empty promises – Jack's I do when he said he would love him and respect him until death parted them… wasn't that the biggest empty promise in the world?
How long would it be until Kurt remembered he had made a similar promise to his own husband?
God, today was not the day to be having these kind of thoughts. Blaine was exhausted enough as it was.
Theo's face scrunched up, like he was about to cry, and he began to move again in Blaine's arms.
"Oh, oh, come on, little buddy, it's okay…" he said quietly, trying to calm him. "Daddy's here, don't worry…"
Theo made little fists and started flinging them around. He must have been truly uncomfortable. "Dada…" He muttered in anguish.
"It's okay, baby, it's okay…" Blaine said, holding him closer, hoping to comfort him. "Kurt, I'm sorry, I have to go…"
"Go, go, he sounds like he's really upset…" Kurt said. "I hope he feels better soon."
"Thank you."
They ended their phone call and Blaine focused on making Theo feel better. He ran him a bath to try to get his fever down. Blaine sat on the floor in the bathroom next to him for a long time, willing his body to get cooler, and then, when he was all dry and into clean pajamas, Theo finally managed to fall asleep. Blaine put him in his bed and tucked him in, and went into the kitchen to try to find enough ingredients for a soup. The last few days had been so crazy that he hadn't even found time to go grocery shopping… he needed to text Jack to pick up a few things. God, he hoped his husband remembered he had to pick up Lena today, as well…
He was in the middle of texting him that last reminder when the doorbell rang, and it was only then that Blaine remembered Kurt had asked him for his address. Curious, he went to the front door, half of him afraid he would actually find the guy he was sleeping with at his doorstep, the other half of him wishing he truly was there, because he could really, really use a hug right now.
It was a delivery guy, though, and Blaine accepted the box and the paper bag he was carrying, even more curious than he had been before. He took it all to the kitchen to open it.
Kurt had put together a care package. Inside the box, there were kid-friendly healthy snacks, a soft looking blanket and a bottle of bubble bath that smelled like candy. There was also a chocolate bar. He opened the bag next, and found a Tupperware container and a note.
B,
I hope all of this helps make your day a little easier, but mostly I hope it makes Theo feel better. I'm sorry if it's weird, but I could tell you were really stressed out, and I just wanted to do something for you.
In the container, you'll find chicken noodle soup. I hope your kids don't have any dietary restrictions. It was my mom's recipe – it's the only thing that makes me feel better when I'm sick.
The chocolate bar is for you, by the way, to sweeten your day a little bit.
Call me if there's anything at all I can do.
Yours,
K.-
Blaine's heart was threatening to beat right out of his chest. No one did things like this. Who did something so thoughtful for a kid they had only met once? Who cared this much? He reread the note twice – Kurt's mother's recipe, that was so damn special. And he had rushed to make a batch just for Blaine and his son…
The container was still warm, and it smelled amazing.
He grabbed his phone and typed a message.
[From Blaine]: You're a miracle, Kurt Hummel.
The reply came quickly, and just by his text, Blaine could have sworn that Kurt was blushing.
[From Kurt]: It's just some soup, Blaine…
But Blaine wasn't going to let him get away with minimizing what he had just done.
[From Blaine]: It's everything. You're everything. Thank you.
Kurt's response took a little while, and it was only one word when it made Blaine's phone vibrate: Anytime.
It was weird, Blaine realized, to be standing in his kitchen alone, his son sleeping down the hall, his husband still not answering his text, and still feel so completely and utterly supported.
He was a miracle, indeed.
The closer Christmas break got, the more it seemed like they weren't going to get to see each other before the holidays. Kurt tried to hide his disappointment, but he didn't think he was doing a good job.
"I'm sorry," Ian said one morning in which he found Kurt just frowning at his coffee like it was everything that was wrong in the world. "I know I said I was going to take time off when I came back from Frankfurt but… you know how busy everything is, with Christmas coming up. I could barely get time off to go to Ohio for a few days…"
He wrapped his arms around Kurt from behind, tightly, keeping him close.
Kurt felt trapped. He felt like the truth was written on his face, like Ian would look at him and realize that what was bothering him wasn't that his husband couldn't keep a promise: it was that he missed Blaine, had come to need him like he was as vital as oxygen, and the longer they spent apart, the more Kurt fell apart.
Right now, he didn't even care that he had broken a promise too, one that he had made to Ian years ago, in front of their friends and family. He was so tired of life feeling like so much less than what he had expected it to be, though. He couldn't even feel remorse for what he was doing with Blaine, for what he was doing to Ian.
"It's okay," he said quietly.
"I'll make it up to you," Ian said, kissing the edge of his jaw. "I promise."
But Kurt knew it was just another promise that would be broken.
Soon after Ian left for the office, with a swift kiss pressed to Kurt's cheek, and the phone already glued to his ear, like whatever he had to deal with couldn't wait another second. Kurt stood in the middle of the kitchen, alone and feeling a little lost.
His phone vibrated on the marble counter.
It was a video from Blaine and he clicked it to play at once. In it, Theo was sitting in his lap, smiling and reaching for the spoon that Blaine was zooming towards his mouth like it was a plane. Theo giggled, and Blaine smiled at him, making Kurt's heart squeeze almost painfully in his chest.
"The soup has been a success," Blaine said, glancing at the camera quickly, before turning his attention back to his son. "Thank you. Say thank you, Theo!"
"Thank you!" The little boy parroted back.
It only lasted fifteen seconds. Kurt replayed it over and over and over again and, for some reason, he felt like crying as he watched it.
He held the tears back and clicked play again.
They didn't find the time. Kurt's bags were already packed and waiting in the entryway to leave for the airport the next day, and he still hadn't seen Blaine.
But Blaine was busy, and he understood. Of course he understood. Not even an hour ago, he had sent Kurt a picture of Lena in her winter fairy costume, ready for her school play, and Kurt had practically swooned.
The apartment was empty – when wasn't the apartment empty? – and he stared at the picture for a little while, wishing, wishing, wishing… what was he wishing for?
Something he couldn't have.
Ian was at work, finishing up some things before they left for Lima. Kurt already knew he would be spending most of the holidays on his computer, answering emails and apologizing non-stop, but never trying to put the computer away to spend time with the family. Work came first. Kurt wasn't even bitter about that anymore.
A voice in the back of his head whispered: when are you going to be first for someone, anyone? He ignored it. He didn't want to go there. He wasn't sure he would like the answer.
He looked at the picture Blaine had sent him again. Lena was so adorable, her big smile taking over her little face, her curls neatly styled, her big eyes full of excitement.
Before he could process what he was doing, Kurt was grabbing his coat and scarf and walking out the front door. He didn't think, he didn't question whether doing this was the right thing, whether it would be weird. He just acted on instinct.
The cab soon delivered him to the entrance of the elementary school. Kurt looked around – most people seemed to be inside already, only a few latecomers hurrying past the door. Kurt followed them, not sure where he was supposed to go.
He heard the music and the voices as he went down the hallway. There was a small theatre in the back, an auditorium that reminded him so much of the one back in McKinley, where he had stood on the stage so many times. It was packed with families, and the play had already started.
He stood in the back. He didn't want to run into Blaine's family or make things awkward. He had just had an overwhelming need to be part of this, even if no one even found out he was there.
For the past few days, he felt like he had lived in the outskirts of his own life. His husband came and went as he pleased, not even giving their marriage and their home life a second thought, and Blaine had been absent, too, absorbed by his own family, his own obligations. And Kurt… Kurt was alone. He felt alone.
He didn't like it.
The group of kids on stage looked older than Lena. Kurt scanned the crowd, making sure to stay near the exit in case he needed to leave quickly. It didn't take long to find Blaine – maybe his heart had a compass that pointed to him, every time. He was sitting near the front, Theo standing on his knees and looking like he was feeling a lot better. Next to him was his husband, and on the other side, his brother, who had an arm thrown around the back of the seat of a woman Kurt didn't know. He guessed it was his girlfriend or his wife.
Kurt knew there were cracks in the foundation of Blaine's family, but right now they looked whole: just as he was looking at them, Jack reached to tickle Theo and then smiled at Blaine as the boy laughed.
He put his arms around himself, holding tight. Coming here was starting to look like a really, really bad idea.
Cooper did his best to cover the fifth yawn in the past fifteen minutes, but the elbow against his ribs told him he was doing a lousy job. He smiled apologetically at Blaine and looked at the stage.
His least favorite part of being an uncle was having to come to this kind of thing. He was really looking forward to seeing Lena, but he had no interest in other people's children. Still, though, he wanted to show up for them. In a way, it felt like making up for all the times he hadn't shown up for Blaine when they were growing up.
After one more yawn, though, he realized he was going to fall asleep before his niece made it on stage, so he leaned towards Blaine and asked quietly: "Is Lena going to be on soon? Because I think I need to run to the restroom."
"I don't know," Blaine replied. "Go now. Just be quick."
"Okay," he said, and squeezed Brianna's shoulder before he stood up to make his way down the row and towards one of the exits.
He made sure to splash sufficient water on his face once he was in the restroom. It wasn't like he could kill time here, so he fixed his hair and returned to the auditorium.
He had to glance around once he was back, because he couldn't remember where they were sitting. Lena was making her way on stage, looking like the prettiest winter fairy in the whole universe, and Cooper grinned, as he stood there in the back, watching her in awe. He wasn't sure what made him look aside, but when he did he found that, hidden in the back row, like he didn't want anyone to know he was there, he found Kurt Hummel.
He was leaning forward, a little smile on his face, as he watched Lena say her lines. He saw him glance at the audience, and Cooper didn't need to follow his gaze to know he was looking at Blaine. Even in the darkness of the auditorium Cooper could see that there was something a lot similar to longing in his eyes…
It was bold of his brother, he thought, inviting the guy he was sleeping with to his daughter's play. But by the way Kurt was looking at Lena, and at the back of Blaine's head, he realized that maybe there was more to it than they had originally thought. Maybe it had stopped being about sex, about getting what they weren't getting elsewhere.
Maybe they had started falling for each other.
Cooper wasn't sure how this was going to end – in heartbreak, probably.
He hurried back to his seat. He didn't want to call attention to Kurt and ruin Lena's night.
When the play was over, Cooper glanced back at the last row, and found Kurt was nowhere to be seen.
'Til your mind stops reeling
It won't be long
'Til regret surrenders
It's old and the scars start healing
Falling off a cliff and still wondering
Where the ground has gone
Something in your faith
It keeps me searching on, searching on
"What are you doing?"
Kurt startled so hard he almost dropped the mug of hot chocolate on top of his keyboard. He glanced up to find his father standing at the kitchen doorway, frowning at him. "God, dad, you scared me…"
"You're working in the kitchen, Ian's working in the living room…" Burt said, shaking his head with clear disapproval. "I don't know if this is a house or an office anymore…"
"Sorry," Kurt said. He closed his laptop after making sure he had saved the document. "Sometimes inspiration strikes, you know?"
Burt grunted in what could have been understanding or annoyance. It was pretty unclear. He slipped into the chair across from Kurt and looked at him in that deep way that made Kurt feel like his father was staring through his skin and into his soul.
"Is everything he alright?" He asked, after a silence that seemed to stretch between them for too long.
"Yeah, everything's fine," Kurt replied, maybe a little too quickly to sound sincere. Burt arched an eyebrow at him. "I promise, dad, everything's…"
But for some reason, he couldn't say fine again. The word got stuck in his throat.
"Talk to me, Kurt," Burt said, reaching across the table to give his hand a gentle pat.
He couldn't tell his dad about Blaine, could he? He would never understand. There were a million things that Burt Hummel could support when it came to Kurt, but he didn't think that cheating would be one of them.
Burt was a stand-up guy, someone with principles, someone who always fought for what was right. He was a faithful husband – had been to Kurt's mom and was now to Carole, as well. He would never do anything that jeopardized the people he loved, his family.
"I'm just a little worn out, that's all," Kurt said with a little tired smile.
Burt didn't look convinced. "Well, then you should probably not work when you're supposed to be having a few days off with your parents, huh?"
Kurt chuckled lightly. "Right, yeah, you're right."
Still serious, it didn't seem like Burt was ready to let this go so easily. "Are you sure that's all that's bothering you? I've noticed you and Ian seem… a bit disconnected since you arrived."
"It's all…"
"Don't say it's fine if it isn't, Kurt," Burt cut him off.
And Kurt… took a deep breath. It felt like the first deep breath he took since leaving New York. His lungs had felt heavy, almost as heavy as his heart.
"There's some stuff I need to figure out," he said, and this time he was being as honest as he could. "Ian and I have been… well, not particularly great lately."
"I kind of noticed," Burt nodded. "What's going on?"
"He works all the time," Kurt shrugged. "He talks about work all the time. It's the only thing he seems to care about, really…"
"Have you talked to him?" Burt asked. "I've always thought he was crazy about you. I'm sure he'll try to be more present if you talked to him."
"Oh, trust me, I've talked to him plenty," Kurt laughed bitterly. "He was supposed to take time after he came back from Frankfurt. He obviously didn't." He sighed and took a sip from his mug. The chocolate was more lukewarm than hot now. "I think we just… want different things now."
Burt frowned again. "Kurt, that's not… that's not something small. It's a big deal, to want different things than the person you're married to."
"I know," Kurt glanced down at the mug.
"I think you two need to sit down and have a long conversation about this," Burt said. "Maybe it's time to reevaluate some things, kiddo."
Kurt could only nod. There was a knot in this throat that he couldn't get rid of.
"Can I ask you…" Burt started, in that kind voice that made Kurt want to crumble into his arms and cry into his shoulder. "What is it you want that he doesn't?"
Kurt thought of sitting in the back of the school auditorium watching Lena on stage. He thought of Theo sitting with Blaine and Jack, of how they had taken turns to hold him, of how they had both hugged their daughter once she got off stage. He thought of Blaine's beautiful smile.
"A family," he said, because it was the only word that could encompass what he truly, truly wanted, more than anything.
Burt's face fell. "Kurt…" he muttered, and Kurt could hear the hint of pity in his voice.
"Don't say anything, okay?" Kurt said. "I know. I know."
Voices from the living room – Carole telling Ian something, both of them laughing, and then their steps as they came towards the kitchen together – had Kurt taking another deep breath. He hid what he was feeling again. He was getting really good at it.
His father watched him carefully for the rest of the day, for the rest of their time in Ohio. Kurt was even more careful that he didn't catch him alone again. Burt had a way to make him talk, to make him tell him everything he was feeling even when he tried his damn hardest not to. He was scared of what else he might end up telling him.
He was scared his father would look at him, if he knew, with nothing but disappointment.
Ever since the kids had been born, Christmas was no longer a peaceful, quiet affair. Lena and Theo both got really hyped-up, as if they had eaten a bag of sugar each, and there was no way to calm them down. It didn't really help that Cooper riled them up even more – he was like a big kid himself.
"Brianna, can you please keep your husband in check?" Blaine said from the kitchen, where he was keeping an eye on the food. He heard her laugh from the living room.
Well, mostly he was staring at his phone. Kurt had sent him a picture: he was sitting on the floor in front of a big Christmas tree, wearing pajamas, hair adorably messy. The text said: Merry Christmas, Blaine. Hope you're having a good one with your family.
God, Blaine hadn't expected to miss Kurt this much. He also hadn't expected to spend actual weeks without him, but everything seemed to have gotten a bit more complicated the closer the holidays got, and they ended up canceling plan after plan. He missed him – missed his smile, and his laugh, and his kisses. He missed the way he held him tight, like he never wanted to let go. He missed the way Kurt touched him, like every inch of him was worth appreciating.
They hadn't been able to find time to talk, either, which wasn't helping. Jack had been around constantly, and by the sour mood he had been in for the past few days, Blaine guessed he couldn't see Eddie either. In a very twisted way, he understood.
Blaine had replied to Kurt's text with a picture of the kids surrounded by torn wrapping paper, wishing him a merry Christmas, too.
His brother had been sending him weird looks all day, like he knew exactly what he was thinking, and Blaine knew it was just a matter of time before he got him alone and got him talking about it. It happened later that same day, after lunch, when the kids wanted to go to the park to try the presents Santa had brought them (Cooper and Brianna had got Lena a pair of ice skates and Theo a sleigh – Blaine wasn't sure he approved very enthusiastically; he had a feeling there were a lot of skinned knees and bumpy foreheads in his future).
Jack and Brianna were distracted with the kids and Cooper pulled Blaine back, gesturing towards a vacant bench. Blaine shook his head, trying to be subtle in telling his brother it was not the time and it was not the place, but Cooper didn't deal in subtlety.
"Come on, we haven't actually talked in weeks," Cooper said dramatically, like it was something too excessive.
"You know I don't like talking with the kids nearby…" Blaine retorted.
Cooper arched an eyebrow at him. "That means there must be something to tell."
"There's nothing to tell," Blaine said, too quickly.
Cooper grinned. He was the most annoying man alive. "Come on, Squirt. If you don't talk to me, who are you going to talk to?" He said, and since Blaine still didn't say anything, he decided to change tactics: "Jack looks particularly frowny lately. What's up with that?"
"I'm guessing it has to do with the fact that, with the holidays and the family time and everything else, he can't exactly slip out to see his little boyfriend," Blaine replied, with a bit more bite in his words than he intended. He sighed. "I don't know, Coop. It's not like our communication has been great lately. I just assume that's what it is."
"And you still insist on not fixing things once and for all, huh?" Cooper said.
Blaine groaned. "Can you just not do that anymore, please? I would like to see what you would do if you were in my fucking shoes…"
Cooper lifted his hands defensively. "Fine, fine, fine. Pretend I didn't say anything, alright?" He said. He allowed them a few moments of blissful silence as they watched the kids slide down a little slope with Theo's new sleigh. "And how are you and Kurt?"
Blaine cleared his throat and resolutely did not look at his brother. "Everything's fine."
Cooper narrowed his eyes as he watched him. "You're blushing," he said. "Oh my god, did you two have sex?"
Blaine shushed him desperately. "God, Cooper, learn how to whisper, for fuck's sake!"
"Did you or did you not?" Cooper pushed. He nudged him with his shoulder, because he could always be more irritating than he had been two seconds ago. "Blaine, tell me the truth."
"We did, okay? We did," Blaine said, glaring at him.
"Well, holy shit," Cooper muttered, clearly stunned. "I did not actually think you had it in you to go through with it."
Blaine willed his blush to go away. He willed the guilt not to choke him. He willed his idiot brother to shut up.
Instead, Cooper threw an arm around his shoulders. "It's okay, Blaine, stop torturing yourself. I know nothing about this whole situation is ideal, but at least you got it out of your system and now you can deal with this whole Jack thing…" He stopped, probably because the guilt was seeping through Blaine's pores at this point. "What? What does that face mean?"
Blaine ran a hand down his face. "I didn't say I got it out of my system…"
Cooper blinked at him in surprise. "Are you telling me you're still sleeping with him?"
"Well, not right now because he's in Ohio…" he said. "But we've been sleeping together. Quite a lot, actually."
Cooper just kept blinking for what felt like an eternity. "Well, holy shit," he repeated.
"What the hell am I doing, Cooper?" Blaine said miserably. "This is not the kind of man I am. I don't do this sort of thing. But Kurt…"
"He's kind of rocking your world, isn't he?" Cooper teased him, and he was the worst.
But he was so right. "He really is. He's…" Blaine shook his head. "I don't think I've ever had sex this good before. I don't know if it's because it had been lacking severely in my life lately, or if it's because there's something especially hot about the fact that we shouldn't be doing this, but…" He shrugged. "It's so good, when we're together."
Cooper smiled sadly at him. "It's not that I'm not glad that you're enjoying yourself, Squirt, but if this is not a one-time thing then maybe it's time you actually make a decision about what you want to do. You can't have both, you know? You can't have the husband and the perfect family life and a lover on the side…"
Blaine glanced at him, pathetically pleading, like Cooper could solve everything for him. "Why not? Why can't I just have this and Jack can have Eddie and we can both be happy without breaking our family apart?"
Squeezing his shoulder, Cooper said: "Because it doesn't work like that, and you know it. It's only a matter of time before someone gets hurt."
Blaine knew he was right. He really hated it when it his brother was right.
"I know," he whispered, and they didn't say another word.
He watched his kids play in the snow on Christmas day and pretended nothing about this was breakable.
You can chase the night away
Guess I'm trying to say
You heal me like the light of day
You can keep me searching on
You say it won't be long
'Til all the pain we felt is gone
It won't be long
It was right before the New Year when Kurt sent him a message that had him tingling from head to toes: I'm back in New York. When can I see you?
Blaine read in every syllable the same desperation that had been growing inside of him since the moment Kurt had left. Or maybe even before then, when all their plans seemed to go askew.
Part of him wished he could tell Kurt to ring in the new year with him – he couldn't think of a better way to start it than by being fucked into oblivion in their hotel room, back in Kurt's arms where he had longed to be. But it would be so suspicious if he told Jack he wouldn't be home…
Instead, he found a little moment of reprieve in the afternoon. He said he was going shopping with Cooper because his brother needed a new outfit for a party he and Brianna had that evening. The lie didn't even taste bad in his mouth this time – all he could feel was the anticipation.
And it bought him a few hours. It wouldn't be enough, but Blaine was hoping to make it count anyway.
They arrived at the same time. Blaine was just about to go in when he saw Kurt getting out of a cab. They were usually so, so careful not to be seen in public doing anything that they shouldn't, just in case, but after weeks of not seeing each other, they couldn't think straight.
"Kurt," Blaine muttered, and they were both moving towards each other, hands already reaching out.
Kurt wrapped one arm around his waist and fisted one hand on the end of Blaine's scarf to bring him even closer before he kissed him, eager and open-mouthed, letting out a small sound of relief.
Blaine threw his arms around his neck and tilted his head into the kiss. He had been aware of missing Kurt in the past few days, but he hadn't realized how empty he'd felt until this very moment, when he suddenly felt complete again.
"Let's go inside," Kurt said against his lips, in a choked-sort of voice.
They never got to take their time. Sometimes because the time they spent together wasn't enough, and some other times, like today, because they couldn't wait – they needed, they wanted, they craved. They had barely made it into their room when they started tearing each other's clothes off.
It was urgent and heated and fast – all they wanted was the feel of skin on skin as soon as possible, so they fell on the bed, Blaine against the pillows, Kurt covering him with his body, and they moved together, chasing that sweet release they had missed.
Afterwards they laid in bed together, holding each other tightly, Blaine drawing circles on Kurt's chest with his fingertip, because this was what they had missed the most: the togetherness and the companionship and the quiet understanding. The comfort. The safety. The closeness. And Blaine told Kurt about taking the kids out to the park on Christmas, and how Lena had skated like a pro even though it was her first time on the ice skates, and how Theo had had the biggest smile on his face. And Kurt told him about sitting with his dad on the couch, watching the same movies they'd been watching since he had been a little boy, and feeling at home in a way it could only ever feel like in Ohio.
And once again, time was too short, no matter what.
"So… we got a little sidetracked," Kurt said with a bit of a smirk, placing a kiss on Blaine's shoulder before sliding off the bed. He went to the pile of their belongings by the door and unburied his bag from under their clothes. "But I have something for you."
Blaine sat up in bed. It was a little chilly in the room now that Kurt wasn't holding him. "What is it?"
Kurt extracted something wrapped in bright paper from his bag. His eyes were equally as bright. "Merry belated Christmas, Blaine."
"Oh, Kurt…" Blaine smiled and deflated at the same time. "I didn't get you anything…"
"It's alright," Kurt shrugged. He climbed back on the bed, package and bag still in his hands. "It's not much just… just open it."
Blaine accepted it, biting his lip as he carefully unwrapped it. Inside he found a beautiful scarf in a lovely shade of green. It was so soft he brought it to his face to brush it against his cheek. "Kurt, this is wonderful."
"Do you really like it?" Kurt said, excited. "I made it."
Blaine's eyes widened. "You made it?" He scooted closer to him on the bed and cupped his face in his hand. "You gorgeous, talented man. Thank you." He kissed him, first on the lips, and then peppered little kisses all over his face until Kurt giggled. "Now I feel really shitty about not getting you anything…"
"Sweetheart, you already gave me so much more than I could ever repay," Kurt whispered against his lips, sending a shiver down Blaine's spine.
And what could Blaine even say to something like that? He felt like he hadn't given him anything at all – stolen moments in a hotel room? It was not enough. It would never be enough…
"I also have something for your kids…" Kurt said, and all the warmth that had pooled inside of Blaine suddenly froze. Sheepishly, Kurt pulled another package from his bag.
Blaine didn't take it. "Kurt…"
"I kept thinking about what Lena said that time I met her, you know?" Kurt explained. "Remember the Christmas elves! And I did. I… I hadn't been able to write a single word in weeks, but I thought of her and I… it just came out so suddenly and so perfectly…"
Blaine frowned. "What do you mean?"
"I wrote them a book," Kurt said. He opened the package slowly, making sure not to rip the paper so they could reseal it, and extracted the pages to show them to Blaine. "I wrote the book she asked for."
Mouth hanging open, Blaine grabbed them. Remember the Christmas Elves, by Kurt Hummel, was written neatly on the cover. And when he turned the page…
To Lena and Theo, my favorite little readers.
It was a simple dedication. It didn't reveal anything. And yet…
Blaine stared at it and knew, with a heavy heart, that he couldn't give this to his kids.
How would he explain the manuscript to Jack, if he saw it? He couldn't trust Lena not to mention it to his husband, especially because she would be so excited if she ever got her hands on it…
It would have been the perfect present. And it was so thoughtful. He could tell Kurt had poured so much love into it…
He forced a smile on his face. "Kurt, this is… you're amazing. Thank you."
"I haven't told Ian I wrote it," Kurt admitted with a shrug. "He would want to publish it immediately and I… I don't know if I want it to be published. I think I want it to be just for them, you know? Just for Lena and Theo…"
Blaine didn't know what to say. I'm sure they'll love it, was the first thing that came to mind, but it would have been a lie, because they would never get to see it…
He felt like crying. All the happiness and the relief he had felt when he saw Kurt outside the hotel again had vanished. This manuscript felt like tangible proof that everything was too complicated, and that complicated things rarely ended well…
It's only a matter of time before someone gets hurt, Cooper had said.
And Blaine had always hated when his big brother was right.
You say it won't be long
'Til all the pain you felt is gone
It won't be long
Who wants to bet that Cooper is right?
Thank you so much for reading! See you next week!
L.-