Present Day

How many of these nights had she not woken him for?

How many of these nights did she have?

They weren't questions Jay was going to ask right now, not until he was sure they wouldn't send her scurrying back into the fortress he was working so hard to draw her out of. But that didn't mean that it was easy to stop himself from wondering. To ignore the ache in his chest when he thought about how difficult it must've been for her to wake him this time, the featherlight pokes against his arm and the near silent whisper of his name, like it was okay if he didn't wake because at least she could tell herself she'd tried. But he'd always been attuned to her and that went double now, which was why he knew it was time to stop letting her vent and start calming her down.

"I mean how bad would it really be if I just locked everyone in their rooms?"

"You can't stop us from fighting."

"No one needs to fight. Or blame each other or anything like that. Everything worked out so everyone can just chill and let the past be the past." She exclaimed with another wild wave of her arms, the clearest sign she was upset- he hadn't seen her like this in years, well before she'd left.

"It doesn't work like that. You know that better than anyone."

"Well if I'm so smart you should all fucking listen to me."

She was smart, too much for her own good sometimes.

And maybe if they weren't all so inclined to listen to her things would've been different.

Another restless shake had him finally climbing off the bed, loving the way she instantly relaxed as he took hold of her arms. "I hurt them. And they hurt me and we're going to have to talk about that and those conversations are not going to be easy."

She let out a loud sigh, knowing he was right but not quite ready to give in. "This is happening-"

"Because of all of us."

This was the only time he liked her looking meek.

When she knew she was wrong and he was right.

And he was right about this.

"Every single one of us is responsible for the decisions we made."

She still wavered, so used, too used to carrying the blame but then her shoulders dropped, hopefully a little more weight off them. "I just want everyone to be okay."

"We all do. And we're all responsible for that. And we're almost there. After this everything is going to be fine."

"Everything good?"

It took him a second to realize someone had spoken, then another to realize it had been Kevin though a quick scan of the bullpen showed everyone subtly watching him, save for Voight who was on the phone with Deputy Miller. They'd been talking a lot recently, more than he had with any other chief and more cordially too which was nice but also odd, and not just the weird flirty vibe they'd all picked up on. Intelligence was used to operating with little oversight, or too much, the kind that made you feel like every step you took was a trap door and while he knew it was a good thing that was changing he couldn't stop the feeling that the other shoe was about to drop.

"Do you think he heard you?"

"Yes he heard him." Jay drawled as he turned to Vanessa, taking in her immediate chastised look before she straightened and shot him a smirk.

They were still finding their way with each other, he hadn't entirely forgiven her for all the shit she'd put Tess through but she seemed determined to make amends and he liked that. Didn't know how he felt about the almost little sister like vibe that was growing between them but it was… interesting. The thing he didn't like was the concerned way everyone was looking at him but that was fair. That was because Tess's team came in today. Had already landed actually, he'd asked Cas to keep him in the loop and while he'd been waiting, almost positive at least one of them would show up here instead of at the Haven that was where the AI continued to tell him they were going. Where he'd be going when this day was over but they still had a few hours of paperwork left, though he was starting to think about moving downstairs to finish his.

"How old is he again?" Vanessa fake whispered, her grin, the same one he'd given Will hundreds of times growing at his deadpan look.

What he was sure was the same one his brother had always given back. "He isn't old, he just doesn't feel like talking."

"You are the oldest." Adam cut in, like the rest of the team clearly amused by his and Vanessa's back and forth, and just as worried about his absentminded behaviour, but also curious.

They were all starting to understand the gravity of what Tess and her team did, the practicalities were easy to picture, to imagine the toll they would take but the rest of the job … more than any of the others Jay thought Adam didn't take it seriously enough. He was the youngest, had the least time on the force and had put in the least effort to get such a coveted position, and only had because of Voight's trust in Alvin and his belief that it was always better to find the right person before they learned the wrong habits. And Jay knew he'd fought for it, he'd taken his temporary demotion into patrol with grace and he was never afraid of a fight, hell he'd gone to prison for Antonio, he was just… a little too wild for his taste. Undisciplined. He procrastinated or handed off his paperwork too often, had trouble taking orders from anyone but Voight and hated having his biases pointed out.

Headstrong to a fault.

He reminded him of Williams actually except Jay didn't have that mentor bond with him; that had been Al and since his death no one had been able to fill that role, though he didn't think anyone had really tried.

"Oh come on, Tess's team can't be that bad." Adam continued, trying to make him feel better but also trying to get more information on them.

But he didn't have anything else to give. He'd already told them everything he felt comfortable sharing which maybe wasn't a lot but it was all he had; he admired her teammates and they'd had good relationships, before, but it wasn't like they'd seen each other often. If it weren't for Tess they probably never would've given him a second glance. They may not have even met. She'd always been the centre and as rough as things may have gotten between her and them he'd been the one who'd hurt her the most.

The one who was never supposed to.

The one every one of them had trusted not to.

"How angry are they?"

"I don't know." He told Hailey with a small shrug, wishing he had an answer that would alleviate her concerns instead of adding to them. "But I do know the majority of it is going to be aimed at me."

"We got your back."

"Don't."

Kevin's face quickly went from staunch support to wary confusion, they all did but when they went to protest he shook his head and they stopped, watching as he took a deep breath and leant back, a quick glance showing Voight was now listening though he too stayed silent. It wasn't that Jay didn't appreciate his partners backing but he needed him, needed all of them to understand that he didn't want it.

He didn't deserve it.

Not for this.

"I know you guys want to help but they are her team, her family and- I was too. They trusted me to have her back and I didn't. I let them down at the absolute worst time and in the worst way and they have every right to be angry and to take that anger out on me. However they want."

"They're not… they're not actually going to hurt you though. Right?" Kim asked with a nervous half-chuckle, a concern only Hailey seemed to share. That was until he shook his head again.

"They work things out through sparring so that's definitely going to happen. And more than likely it's gonna happen off the mat too and that…"

He could already picture how that was going to go, a couple variations but they all ended the same way- with him getting his ass kicked. Sometimes with the resolution he craved, sometimes without it but either way… That was definitely going to be deserved.

Because no one held a grudge like a best friend.

Everything was going to be fine. He knew that, believed it even as much as he was dreading it, and Jay was dreading this but he knew at the end of it things would be smoothed over. But there was a big difference between fine and good. And he wanted things to be good, to be… better if that was possible. He wanted that for himself but he needed it for Tess. She could handle a lot, the true Hercules but though she could sometimes be godlike she still had her limits and he would not allow her to be crushed beneath the responsibility of mending and monitoring his relationships.

Over his dead body.

Which wasn't likely but was still well within the realm of possibility, especially if she made it look like an accident.

She being Vivienne Shane.

If you hurt her they will never find your body.

I'd tell you before she did.

Except he hadn't. Not with anything but his absence and for everyone else he would bet his badge that would be not acceptable but understandable, but not for Vivienne. Because he was supposed to have called her. They'd had a deal; it had been his turn to not listen to Tess and he hadn't taken it and in doing so he had abandoned both of them and while Viv would have forgiven hurting her, might even have forgiven him for hurting Tess at first that would have died long ago. After the first six months? Four even? With everyone else he believed he'd be able to build that trust back up, a slow process no matter how well the next few days, potentially weeks went depending on how long their leave lasted but one that he was sure each of them would allow him to do. But not Vivienne. Her level of outward hostility would likely vary depending on her patience, and her restraint but she would tolerate him for Tess's sake, but there was no way in hell she approved of him being back in her life. And why should she? He was guilty of what she considered the worst crime.

Abandoning family.

"Mr. Popo!"

Jay startled before he spotted Ismail crossing the courtyard, apparently he'd zoned out on the drive and the walk over to the Haven, his own smile faltering when the younger man shot him a big one of his own.

"You look nervous!"

Little shit.

"Nice to see you too Is."

The boy's grin grew as he continued on, probably heading to work; he was a bartender at one of Liam's more legitimate establishments, a position Tess had begrudgingly arranged for him. He was a good kid but clearly a troublemaker, no doubt an attribute that came from being the youngest of three boys but besides the curiosity and even pity in his gaze there was also a very clear understanding that he must deserve what he was about to get. It was the same look Ben gave him, and his boyfriend Mal, both of whom were waiting for the elevator but who let him get on first, Mal with a wicked smirk that the elbow in his side didn't budge and Ben with a heartfelt good luck that lingered in his mind on the ride up. The only one who didn't agree was Tess, just like she was the only one who was going to get hurt if this didn't go well. The one who'd get hurt the most. But maybe he wasn't giving her team the credit they were due because when he finally stepped off the elevator the first thing he was greeted by was her laugh; not a particularly loud one, not even especially bright but warm, real, the sound instantly loosening the knot inside his chest. Of course the seven other heads that turned towards him tightened it right back up but he focused his attention on the strapping young Asian man next to her, the one who'd made her laugh.

David.

He'd joined their team six years ago but Jay hadn't had the chance to meet him before she'd left, though he surely knew all about him. But while he made his way over to her, painfully aware of all those eyes, all the thoughts they must be having as Tess stretched up for a kiss he noted there was no judgement in the younger mans eyes. Curiosity and a hint of wariness, but no condemnation.

"Hey. I'm Jay."

"David." He said with a small but warm smile as he shook his hand. "Nice to meet you."

"You too."

There.

One down, six more to go. He'd expected Coulson to be the next to greet him but to his surprise it was Nysa, his body automatically tensing as she stood, an innate response to her deadly grace and one that prevented him from realizing what she intended until she was already doing it. She was… hugging him?

"It's good to see you." She whispered, so softly he knew no one else could hear. "I missed you."

"I missed you too." He choked out, giving her a short but tight squeeze before he let her go and stepped back to face Michael.

Now there was judgement, in him and in John but he'd been expecting that. Was hurt by it, by the lessened respect he knew they made sure was clear but he did the same, gratified by the tightening of their eyes, the shame they all carried.

Almost all.

David and Adita were free from it, the East Indian woman hadn't joined their team until four years ago when she'd been recruited by Tess, an act he still had trouble understanding. Her contempt for the agency was literally world-renowned yet she'd had enough trust in them, or maybe in their fear that she had brought another into the fold. A rare act, and a forgiveness Jay didn't think he was going to be granted by the last member of their team. There was nothing but a deeply cutting disinterest in Vivienne's gaze but he could feel the hatred she was begrudgingly pushing down, the displeasure that he had wormed his way back into her friends life.

She felt no shame for what she'd done.

And she shouldn't.

That one was all on him.

"Viv."

"Dickless."

Adita's laugh shoved the knife as Vivienne turned away even deeper, the young operative was clearly the only one who thought this was going to be fun but he tried not to let it show, ignoring his hurt to focus on Tess's. It was almost non-existent but he caught the brief flutter of her lashes and the slight sag of her shoulders and though he'd planned on doing this anyway, had practiced all day in his head and out loud on the drive over they strengthened his resolve.

"I'm sorry."

They'd all been looking at him anyway but that focused their attention, various levels of surprise and appreciation, or a complete lack of care in the redheads case but that was fine. That didn't matter here, as much as it hurt his pride; what he'd done hadn't been private so his apology couldn't be. Didn't make this any easier but he was done hiding.

Open up, even if it's scary- that's when it matters most.

This mattered.

This mattered so damn much and maybe nothing he said would be right but he had to try. For all the times he hadn't he had to show them he would put the work in now, that he accepted responsibility and would fight to make amends.

"You trusted me to have her back and I let her down. I let all of you down and I don't have a good reason for it. All I have is my word that I won't do it again. And that I'll do whatever it takes to earn your trust back."

Again it was Adita who broke the silence, not caring how loud or heavy it was, or that it wasn't fully her place to do so, actually seeming to lean into that. It was something Tess would do, a piece of herself she must've seen in the younger girl, a piece she hadn't quite lost but had changed, less a part of her now and more a part of that armour.

But he wasn't the only one who knew how to slip through the cracks.

"Ooh, now I see where the stud thing comes from."

Everyone snorted at that, except for Vivienne but while her suddenly fierce glare felt like another dagger this time he ignored her to focus on the others, the people who would make him work for their forgiveness but who would grant it. And who were looking for his in return. And as for Viv…

No one might hold a grudge like a best friend but no one loved Tess the way he did.