The stick seemed so light in her hands, passed back and forth between them like it weighed nothing but she knew it did, knew the heft and balance of it and as her friend started spinning it around to loosen her shoulders all Tess could picture was one of those ends smacking into the side of Jay's face.

Hard.

"You need to clear your head." Nysa said quietly and though the woman had always been soft-spoken, probably because of that Vivienne heard her even from halfway across the room.

"She needs a lobotomy." Her friend drawled but while she spun her staff a few more times, faster and harder like she too was picturing using it against her boyfriend she soon tossed it to David, putting her hands up as she backed away. "You can relax. I'm not going to do or say anything that they don't deserve."

"I think that's what she's afraid of." Adita pointed out which made Viv give her a very pointed look.

Because while none of them believed Jay or his team deserved the full force of the redheads wrath all of them thought they deserved at least some of it. Him more than the others but no one was pleased with Hailey or Vanessa, more angered by what their actions could have done to her than what they had done to them. And then there was Voight. Even though technically he hadn't done anything beyond being his normal old white man self that was exactly the part of him they were going to have trouble with, not exactly a new issue for any of them but it added to the stress of the day.

Because today they were finally introducing their two teams.

Their families.

Via a fucking sparring session of all things, an idea she'd thought was insane when Nysa and Michael first suggested it and that feeling was only getting stronger. As was that twisting in her gut.

"Fuck a lobotomy, you're going to give her an aneurysm."

Adita's mumble brought Tess out of her head and she quickly gave the younger girl a dry look, even as she wondered how likely that was, something that didn't go unnoticed.

"Fine." Vivienne said with an exaggerated roll of her eyes but she held her own long enough for her to see the love in them. "I won't do or say anything I think will seriously upset you. Unless they ask me to."

"Will that asking be verbal or up to your judgement?"

"Depends on their behaviour." She answered David with a dangerous tilt of her head, their friend tossing her staff back at her before he gave her a worried but trying not to be look.

The same one everyone was giving her.

She really wanted today to be over.

"You need to clear your head." Nysa said again and her firmer tone had Tess throwing her hand out behind her just in time to catch the staff she threw her way, Adita's delighted gasp automatically making her grin.

Nysa's favourite form of meditation was fighting, it was how she'd been taught as a child and how she'd taught each of them and while all of them could hold their own against her no one gave the former Mossad agent as good a fight as she did. And though it didn't make sense with how nervous she was Tess knew that was exactly what she needed right now. Not just to empty her mind but to get a sense of the normalcy she'd been missing ever since deciding that being an operative wasn't what she wanted anymore; she didn't miss the agency or the missions, getting to make her own calls without fear of reprisal was something she'd sorely needed and she could always find something to keep her busy, to believe in and fight for but fighting with these people…

It felt like home.

It was.

The wryly amused looks John and Michal gave each other were as familiar to her as her own breath, the positions Viv took up on the edge of the mat so predictable she could have found her with her eyes closed, just like how she knew Adita and David's whispered conversation was them placing bets, Coulson's quiet presence at the back of the room as comforting as a warm blanket. She had just enough time to wonder how long it would last before Nysa struck, a similarly warm but also vicious glint in her eyes that said if she didn't pay attention she was going to make her regret it. So she did. She let her mind go and her body take over, blocking and striking until her own heart beat in time with their pattern, so focused that when Jay's team finally did walk in just a few minutes later her stutter turned into a strike, and then a fast block when her next thought was that they should stop.

"Look who finally showed up." She heard Adita call out, because Nysa was not allowing her slow down or pull back even an inch, forced to rely on her hearing and the few glimpses she caught as they worked their way around the mat.

Tess didn't like it but she wasn't ready for Jay's team to see her like this. She knew they needed to, not just for her sake but for their own but it was one thing to hear something and another thing entirely to see it. And she was worried about how seeing her like this would change their opinion of her. It would almost certainly make them respect her more but it might also make them fear her and that…

That was something she didn't just like that was something she didn't know if she could handle.

"Ready to get your asses kicked?"

"Ignore her."

David.

She could always count on David to keep the peace.

"It's nice to meet you guys."

"You too."

"Really? Kinda got the impression you wanted us dead."

Fucking bitch.

Nysa gave her a look when her next strike made their sticks tremble, both in understanding and in warning- as upset as Tess was that Vivienne wasn't making this easy on her she also had to think about what her friend deserved.

And what the rest of them did too.

"That was-"

"I wasn't talking to you." She drawled and even though she couldn't look she knew the look of disdain she would be giving Hailey. "Good to know she needs a babysitter though."

"We-"

"No. Definitely no."

This time she almost laughed when her friend cut off Voight, that was one dressing down she would be glad to watch but she was thankful when she turned her attention to Kim and Kevin, giving them a truly genuine smile.

"You two can sit with me. I like you."

"You're such a bitch." Adita said with a loud laugh, waving the others over to where she sat. "The rest of you can sit with me. I don't bite."

"Yes she does."

Everyone on her team smiled when David, Michael and John responded in unison and though Jay's was clearly nervous they too began to sit, Voight slowly going over to Coulson as Kim and Kevin headed to Vivienne, Adam, Hailey and Vanessa following David and Adita's wave while Jay took the spot between Michael and John. He'd been watching their interactions too but one eye had always stayed on her, more attention than she'd been giving him so she took a second to do so, giving Nysa a firm look to tell her to let her; he seemed fine, nervous like they all were but not bothered at all by his teams calling out. Of course considering he'd done the same. He seemed ready and his confidence bolstered her own, his bright, proud grin as he watched them making her decide it was alright if she showed off a little. And Nysa was eager to help her, dropping low so she'd have to jump over her, striking fast so she'd have to block faster, round and round until Tess decided it was time to switch things up. This time she was the one to drop to a knee, twisting her staff until it became two pieces, the chorus of surprised gasps from Jay's team making smile, and more importantly wonder if she needed to be as hard on them and on herself as she was.

Their fight only lasted a little while longer, she and Nysa could go for hours if left to their own devices but that wasn't what they were here for so they took the first tiebreaker they got, when after a quick tumble they each managed to get a stick pointed at the others throat. Adam's not-so-quiet 'holy shit' a sentiment his whole team seemed to echo.

Not her own though.

"They almost always tie. It's getting BORING!" Adita called out as they finally walked off the mat, taking the bottles of water Jay and Michael passed over.

His proud smile had grown, he knew the admiration she'd always had for Nysa and how hard she'd worked to be equal but the sadness behind it told her he could sense her trepidation for what came next. "Who's up next?"

"I call the white boy!"

Adam looked very worried when Adita jumped up and immediately grabbed him, and a little perturbed too, not used to being called out. Or put in his place. "I can't do that."

"No shit." She answered with a snort, a wicked gleam in her eyes as she looked him up and down. "But we'll see what you can do."

"I'll take you."

They all startled as Viv stood and nodded to Kim, no one more than the young officer but though warily she followed her, her new friend shooting her a nervous but trusting smile while her old friend waited until everyone else began to pair off to shoot her a look that was both understanding and offended. As relaxed as they may seem this wasn't easy, on any of them, but they were trying.

They were all trying and the middle might be, was definitely going to be messy but at the end everything was going to be okay.

"You old-timers just going to watch?"

"I think we've got a few things we could teach each other." Coulson said in response to Jay's quip, Voight looking surprised but intrigued as he followed him onto the mats, torn between watching his team and hers.

They'd paired off almost one-to-one, Vivienne with Kim and Adita with Adam, David with Hailey and Nysa with Vanessa which left Michael with Jay and her and John with Kevin, the big man looking between them with raised brows. "Just out of curiosity, how bruised am I gonna get?"

"Well big boys like you do fall easy. And hard." She said with a wink, smirking when John shook his head before he began showing Kevin how best to distribute his weight so it wouldn't be so easy for her to use it again him.

Here at least she was able to split her attention, able to not only guide Kevin and take in his teammates progress but get a little lost in her own thoughts too, something she couldn't not do when she looked at their mismatched group. This at least seemed like a safe activity, her team was trained not just in over a dozen martial arts but in how to train others and it seemed like they were all enjoying it, especially Adita. Adam wasn't, her friend wasn't holding back and she'd lost count of how many times she'd knocked him to the mat but every time he got up again, determined to learn what she was trying to teach him. It was a conviction everyone on Jay's team carried, even Voight which might not be fair but which surprised her, though it shouldn't have. How many times had she drawn comparisons between these two groups? And the similarities just kept growing as they switched partners, again and again until she felt like she was seeing doubles, though that soon came to a screeching halt when they took a break to catch their breath and gulp down some water.

"We haven't sparred yet."

Fuck.

Tess's heart felt like it was both sinking and tearing in two as she turned to Jay and though she knew he noted it, felt bad about it he didn't meet her stare. His own was locked too strongly on Vivienne's, trying so hard to extend an olive branch he knew he was going to get beaten with.

You can't stop us from fighting.

No, she couldn't. But would they at least be able to stop themselves if this got out of hand? Who was she kidding, when this got out of hand because of course it was going to.

This was one of those messy parts she just had to make her peace with.

So when Vivienne looked at her she said nothing, barely holding back a wince at the tightening in her gut as her friend stalked towards him, the viciousness in her eyes as she tossed a staff at him making her want to be sick.

"Are we sure this is a good idea?" Adam asked quietly.

"Nope." Adita answered with a shake of her head, just as concerned as the rest. "But he asked for it."

He had.

And she had the feeling they were all going to regret it.

There was one moment where they held each others stare, where Jay put all the shame he felt on full display but where his team sucked in their breaths hers stayed impassive. Except for Vivienne. She practically snarled at him, her own gaze full of contempt and Tess couldn't stop herself from shaking as she rushed him; she went at him with the fury she'd spent the last five years holding in and while she'd been training with Jay the last couple of months he could only hold his own against her onslaught for so long. And he didn't seem to want to. He seemed glad when the first strike hit him, like… like that was the only way he could pay his penance. The feeling that she was going to throw up grew stronger, only drowned out by the urge to scream when the butt of Vivienne's staff slammed into his jaw.

Just like she'd pictured earlier.

Jay's team did cry out but her voice was locked so tightly inside her throat she had to leave it to her own to calm them, a difficult task when their respective friends just started going at each other harder. Her eyes darted between them, uncomfortably proud when Jay got a few good hits in followed by an unsettling relief when Vivienne knocked his staff out of his hands but they still didn't stop. One second their fists were balling, one of them so ready to beat the other to death and one of them so willing to let it happen that all the restraint she'd been clinging to snapped. It took her a couple seconds to register the sound of shattering glass, then a few more to realize it had come from her, the bottle she'd been clutching now smashed into pieces on the floor between them.

How hard had she thrown it that it had shattered against a padded mat?

How the hell was everything supposed to be okay when the two people she loved most were intent on tearing themselves apart?

"Tess-"

She almost laughed when Jay and Vivienne said her name in unison, even taking a step towards her at the same time, even the same damn foot but her voice was still locked inside her throat so she just shook her head. What could she even say that would change their minds that she hadn't already?

What was the point to any of this?

Was she worth this?

Aware of all the stares on her but unable to feel any of them she turned to go, no real destination in mind, just a desperate urge to get out of here before she shattered something else, or worse, herself. She was definitely not ready for Intelligence to see that. She was halfway to the elevator before someone finally spoke, Adita of course, her friends hushed voice bright with pride and admiration.

"I love when she throws things. Wait up Devi!"

She did not but the younger girl wasn't one to be deterred and before the elevator could close behind her Adi broke into a sprint and slid in beside her, grinning so broadly she could see her molars. "Oh Goddess, I bow to you."

Tess didn't know why that broke her but it did but thankfully the doors were already shut by the time the sob burst out and Adita quickly scrambled to her feet, her smile not fading but softening as she pulled her into a tight hug and started rubbing her back. "It's okay, you need to get this out. Even goddesses need to cry sometimes."

She had never cried on Adita's shoulder before. Never mind that there was almost a decade between them, that Tess had recruited her when she'd been just a couple years older than when Coulson had come to her, she was the mentor, the one who was supposed to hold her as she sobbed her heart out. And she had, several times. But she also remembered how it'd felt the first time she'd seen Nysa cry, or any of the others, that mix of terror but resolution, determination to provide the same care, the same respect that had been given to her.

It was strange to be on the other side, made her feel old as hell but it also felt like a passing of the torch and for some reason that calmed her.

There was still a deep, agonizing hole inside her that was going to take a lot to fill, more specifically two particular people to mend but the feeling allowed her to catch her breath and straighten her back, enough so her head rested against Adita's. "Thank you."

"I would gladly watch you burn down the world Devi."

"You'd be handing me the matches you little pyro."

"Yup." She said with a bright smile, stepping away just as they came to a stop and then holding out her hand. "And I rest easy knowing it would be a needed cleanse."

Why couldn't she have the same faith in herself that everyone else did?

How did she get it back?

Taking her friends hand would be a good step so she did, returning the warm squeeze as she followed her into the kitchen, unable to help smiling as she watched the younger girl pour her some water and put on the kettle, gesturing for her to start drinking before she ran down the hall to her room. She couldn't help laughing when she came back with a couple joints, though having Intelligence see her high wasn't exactly something she was ready for either.

"Fuck them." Adita told her fiercely as she hopped on the island, grinning as she waggled them at her. "You are a goddess and we have earth, air, fire and water here. It is your divine duty to smoke this doobie."

"Is it your duty to be as ridiculous as possible?"

"Yes."

"Then light me up acolyte."

With another bright laugh Adi sparked her joint then passed over the second but they only got a few puffs in each before the elevator doors opened again, the two teams piling out, minus a few members before they came to an abrupt stop when they saw them. Of fucking course Voight was at the forefront too, with that dryly unamused face of his and though it couldn't have been the weed before she knew it Tess was leaning forward and blowing her last mouthful right at him; Adita almost choked on hers laughing but quickly followed suit and there was something very satisfying about his stunned reaction. All of Intelligence seemed shocked, except for Hailey who seemed like she was remembering something but when David and Nysa came over and took a puff off their respective joints they started to relax, at least until someone else stepped up.

She didn't know who was more surprised when Vanessa walked over but when she asked for it Tess passed her the joint, sharing an even more surprisingly warm nod with her when she passed it back before she rolled her eyes at Adita.

"You should bow."

"Do not do that."

"I like you now, but I still wasn't going to." Vanessa said a little warily, flushing slightly when Kevin stepped up behind her though it was Tess he gave his attention to, giving her that kind, supportive smile that always made her think of John.

"I told you it would take them a minute, but they got there." He told her before he too took a hit, finally sharing his own look with his teammate, and badly hidden crush before they both snuck one at their Sergeant.

It was obvious Hank didn't know what to make of the situation, marijuana had been legal in Illinois for the last year so they weren't breaking any laws but it was also obvious he was not going to partake. Nor were Adam or Hailey, possibly only because he was here but again to everyone's shock one more person didn't care.

"No one believes me when I say I was a rebel in high school." Kim just said in response though her cough made it clear it had been that long since she'd last smoked.

Tess took a couple more hits of her own and it was burnt out, the whole group simultaneously pausing as they subtly flicked their eyes her way. Because it was her call what came next. She could ask them to leave and no one would blame her, they were all just as worried about what might happen next and she had a very strong urge to go curl up in her bed but this moment… it felt nice. Very strange, and very dangerous, but nice.

So against her better judgement she was going to go with it.

"Who's hungry?"

It took a second but then Adam raised his hand and the room slowly relaxed again, especially when Vanessa asked what she could do to help. Kevin gave her an extra warm look at that had Adita making some kind of whispered comment to the girl that had her eyes going wide, and then wider when someone spoke from behind them,

"I'll help too."

Vivienne.

Looking not ashamed of what she'd done but very clearly sorry for upsetting her, and ready to accept whatever punishment came her way.

From whoever decided to give it.

She and the rest of their team started shaking their heads as Adita let out a loud cry, fumbling her way off the counter, and flipping her middle finger at Adam when he snickered before she grabbed a cup out of the cupboard. A plastic cup. Jay's team caught on as she filled it with water, everyone looking between her, Tess and Vivienne, focusing on the redhead when it smacked against her chest, splattering water all over her and the floor.

"You gonna give me something to clean this up with?" She just asked, taking the towel Kevin gave her with a nod and shooing him away when he tried to help, then dumping what remained of the water on Adita's head as she passed her, tossing the cup in the sink before she came up behind Tess and rested her head on her shoulder. "What do you want to eat?"

"Crab ravioli."

"You got it." Viv said with a nod, pushing into her just slightly before she started grabbing ingredients.

It was as much of an apology as she would give in front of strangers, and when as much as she knew it upset Tess she also firmly believed it was deserved but right now it was all Tess needed; it was going to take time but eventually everything would be okay.

She had to believe that.

And when Jay came in with John a few minutes later and everyone burst out laughing when Adita threw a cup at him it felt more believable. And when he cleaned it up and then dumped what was left on Vanessa's head before coming to rest his chin her shoulder… well as angry as that made Vivienne it made Tess feel even better. Because they might have a lot they needed to work out but none of that rage or distance could change the reasons she'd fallen in love with them.

Or why they'd fallen for each other.