Four Years Ago

She was so much like her. Another girl who'd lost her parents young, though only one to death and the other to abandonment, who had turned to the safety and the reach of her computer to try and make the changes she thought the world needed, the only fight she knew how to be a part of. Hell they even shared the same thick dark hair and mischievous eyes, not to mention a mouth that was just as quick to smile as it was to smirk or shout. Or scream.

And Adita Khatri had a piercing scream.

She lived on the fifth floor of her apartment building in one of the slums of the city of Kota, in the northern state of Rajasthan India and when her terrified shriek reached Tess and David where they were just walking up to her building they both broke into a sprint, David taking the back to secure and hold their exit while she raced to find her. Much like she once had the girl had gotten in over her head except this time it wasn't just her own government looking to find her, or several others it was also the mercenary group whose information she'd cracked.

And then shared with every intelligence agency in the world.

So much like her.

She even fought like her too, before she'd learned how to fight, wild and fierce and unrelenting. But uncoordinated. And that lack of training cost her. Tess ran through her shattered front door just in time to see her wriggle out of the hold of one of the men trying to kidnap her, one of those mercenaries or another group of operatives, throwing her elbow into his crotch but leaving herself wide open for the punch that sent her head smacking into the floor, the pained noise she let out striking a chord deep inside her. Two. The call to protect life. And the call to take it. Once upon a time she would have given these men a chance to get back up but she didn't do that anymore. She still didn't like using guns, liked them even less now actually, the old desire to not give in to that emotional distance now a desire to be closer, to feel her enemies as they gave their last breath. And to let them feel her satisfaction as she took it. It was fucked up for sure but so was she. And it played to her advantage.

Tess was on her attackers before they even realized she was there and while they were well trained they were also cocky and caught unawares it only took her a minute to get the three men down, another second to wipe their blood off her knife, distantly admiring the intricate tiger tattoo one of them had on his bicep before she locked eyes with the girl.

Adita.

She'd expected her to be scared, these men had just beat and tried to kidnap her before someone else came in and murdered them right in front of her but instead of looking at her with horror it was… awe in her eyes.

A look so familiar it almost made her choke.

"Devi." The young woman whispered as she pushed herself to her knees, not an ounce of fucking fear in her warm brown gaze.

And too much of that reverence that made her sick.

"Tess." She corrected after she cleared her throat, tucking her knife back in the waistband of her pants before she extended her hand. "You want to come with me or-"

"I want to go with you."

A half a strangled laugh slipped out before she pulled her to her feet, quickly grabbing one of the dead men's phones before she cleared the hall, keeping Adita close as they headed for David, her teammate looking almost bored as he waited in the stairwell.

"American movies have led me to believe that normally it's the bad guys who are super hot but you guys don't seem to fit that."

David outright laughed at the girl but the face he gave her when she chuckled tore at Tess, another familiar look that shoved another sharp knife into her already mangled heart. For every person who approved of the ways she'd changed there seemed to be ten others who disapproved and though she hated it that hit a lot harder.

Not enough to make her change back though.

She'd never been good at listening to others but that was especially true now.

Adita clearly picked up on their brief tension, she wasn't just book smart she was street smart, people smart, and she wisely kept quiet as they led her back to the hotel they were staying at in the hopes that the higher end local would help them hide from the numerous people looking for her. And all the people looking for them. She also stayed quiet as they explained who they were, how they'd found her and how they knew what she'd done, what was going to have to happen now in order for them to protect her. She didn't even ask any questions or protest when they told her she was going to have to leave behind her home and everything she knew but Tess could see her thinking it all through, drawn to the bright sparks of intrigue and refusal and drive.

"What happens after all of this?" She asked once Nysa finished talking but it was her that gaze locked on, so intent, so hopeful it made her throat close up again.

So much like her.

Could she really lead her down the same path?

Did she have the right to stop her?

Tess could feel her team watching, feel their surprise at the connection she had with this stranger when they were fighting to hold onto the ones they had with each other and it was a little bit of their hope and a little bit of Adita's that sparked something inside her she thought had died.

"Whatever you want."

She was good.

Faster than almost all of the others, her long legs helping to propel her forwards, equally long arms pumping at her sides to push her even further but it was the fire inside that was really driving her, a spark that burned so bright she could see it even from halfway across the field. One that burned even hotter when one of the few boys ahead of her stuck his leg out to try and trip her when she went to pass him. The act was so familiar her own rage flared up, hot and hard and dark, the old and also familiar taste of dirty pavement thick on her tongue but Adita didn't fall. Not exactly. She stumbled and when that boy's laughter slowed him down she threw herself into his back and took him to the ground, the speed and force with which she sent her fist into his ribs making Tess laugh.

So fucking much like her.

Maybe that was why she still didn't know if she'd done the right thing bringing her here. She almost hadn't been able to walk away that first day, her own memories of this place feeding the urge to say fuck them and haul her out of here but as Adita had vehemently told her it was what she'd wanted. And having been the outsider in the agency she didn't want to put a bigger target on her back than she already had coming in as a newbie. And having her as her sponsor.

Did that make her like Coulson?

It was a sobering thought, not exactly unwelcome but really uncomfortable, more than she'd expected so she was glad when a shrill whistle brought her out of her head and back to the fight, pride rushing through her when she saw Adita had won. The satisfaction when her own whistle brought everyone's attention to her was good too, not just for Adita's grin but for her instructor's scowl. Harry Lister. The man who'd once referred to her as an 'over-eager' civilian, who'd had her fellow recruits practice take-downs and disarms on her rather than a dummy in the hopes that it would break her spirit. It hadn't, had done the opposite in fact so damn did it feel fucking good to see the displeasure on his face that she was still here. To see him realize she had the power now.

Power she was no longer afraid to wield.

"I thought you said you weren't supposed to visit me here!" Adita shouted as she jogged over, briefly turning back to flip her middle finger at something someone must have said behind her, everyone hurriedly looking away when Tess turned her stare on them.

That felt good too.

Still dark but she'd grown used to that. Had started to like it even, though there was still a part of herself that fought it.

Everything in her life was a battle.

"If you keep breaking the rules people are going to think I have an unfair advantage." The girl said with a grin, the one that seemed permanently etched on her lips.

It hurt to see because all she could think was that it wouldn't always be that way but for now she was going to enjoy it. "I broke the rules the moment I came here. And you do- you're smarter than all of them."

"The boys, yes. It is kind of scary how dumb some of them are. But I like most of the girls."

That wasn't the biggest difference between her time here and Adita's, that was the subtle but still sharp racism her letters had told her she was experiencing, something she hadn't even thought to warn the girl about, unlike the mayonnaise in the bedsheets, but it was a big one. When she'd been at The Farm she'd been the only female recruit in a class of eight but Adita was one of five in a class of eleven, a divide that was growing smaller all the time. As were the number of female instructors, women who still looked at her a little warily as they walked through the compound but with far more respect than any of the men. And far less hate. Another difference was how much she gave back now, revelling in their winces and lowered heads, metaphorical tails tucked tight between their legs.

She'd never known how good vindictiveness could feel.

"Are you coming here so much just to rub it in that you're better than them?"

"I'm here for you. But I do enjoy it."

"I do too."

They shared a grin and before Tess knew it she was shoving Adita's shoulder, some of that darkness fading when she then ducked under her arm and hugged her. Tightly. "Where are you taking me Devi?"

"To see some stars."

Despite numerous attempts to get her to say where they were going Tess remained tight-lipped and eventually Adita went from begging her for details to regaling her with all the tales from her training. She was four months into what would only be nine, half of the normal eighteen-month training time but both Tess and her had decided to say fuck it; Adita didn't care about perceptions and Tess knew she would learn more with her team than with anyone else. Plus the agency was too scared of her to put up a fight, though they'd still found ways to make their displeasure known. But the most important factor was that the obsession she'd always had about keeping a close eye on the people she loved had gotten a lot more intense. What had once been a few dozen eyes had become hundreds and now thousands but it still didn't feel like enough. It was a feeling that grew stronger the closer they got to their destination, until her heart was a cold, hard lump in her throat. As close to dead as she could be while still having a pulse. It was a strange feeling, not because it was new, on the contrary after Lydia had been murdered it had become her normal but she hadn't realized until coming here how much more alive she'd been feeling lately. Time really did heal all wounds.

It just took a fuck ton of it.

But while the pain might fade visible or not the scars never would.

That was a lesson she'd learned young, though life had kept hammering it into her. Just like it had and would continue to hammer it into Adita. Which was why she'd decided to bring her here, the same fieldtrip Coulson had once taken her on. And though it killed her to know how the younger girls excitement would soon fade she said nothing as she led her inside Langley, just watched as her eyes went wide with curiosity as they flicked over the white marble walls and grey stone floors, eagerly tracking the men and women in black and grey suits, wrinkling her nose the same way she had at the monotony. She was so distracted she ran right into her back as she came to a stop in front of the north wall, her brow furrowing as she looked over the stars engraved into the stone as she realized what they were.

"Is every-"

"We're all okay. This time." Tess said softly, giving Adita a gentle but somber look before she motioned for her to turn her attention back to the wall.

The Memorial Wall.

The one that had come so damn close to getting a new star. Her skin still started tingling every time she thought about it, her heart aching when she remembered how close Michael had kept Nysa on the plane ride back, an intimacy that was so familiar it hurt. And in an effort to stop herself from going down that line of thinking she wondered whether a similar near-miss had been what made Coulson decide to bring her here. And when that didn't work she turned back to Adita, focusing on the next painful ache when she saw her head bobbing as she tried to count them.

Just like she had.

"There are a hundred and thirty-five. Not everyone gets one." She explained when her brow furrowed again, slowly stepping forward to rest her fingers on one in the bottom row. "This is our friend Luke's."

The girl opened her mouth but then closed it, her throat bobbing as she looked between her and that star before she finally spoke. "I've never heard you speak of him."

No, she wouldn't have.

When was the last time they'd talked about him?

Tess didn't believe in heaven, in any afterlife but it still hurt her to think he might think they'd forgotten about him. Her bear.

"That'll have to change."

"How do they decide?"

"There's a board but the Director has final say. 'Death must be of an inspirational or heroic character, as the result of an act of terrorism, as an act of premeditated violence motivated solely by that employee's Agency affiliation or in the performance of duty while serving in areas of hostilities or other exceptionally hazardous conditions where the death is a direct result of such hostilities or hazards.'"

Adita's brows raised but she didn't question her, rather seemed to be committing the words to memory too, her warm gaze fierce as she looked the wall over again.

Just like she had.

"It's easy to sacrifice yourself. We all do it all the time." She said quietly, reluctantly lowering her mask so the other girl could see how serious she was. How deeply she felt what she was sharing. "Watching the people you love sacrifice themselves is what hurts. Especially if they didn't make the same vows we do."

"How do you deal with it?"

"I remind myself that their sacrifice isn't something I get to take away from them. And I make sure that it isn't in vain."

"I have sustenance!"

"Thank god."

"I was seriously about to eat someone. Sorry John."

Their giant rolled his eyes, a feint when he then quickly lunged at Vivienne who only just dodged him, smacking his arm as he grinned, everyone else laughing at the startled shriek she'd let out. Herself included. It was a real one too, not the fake sound and motion she'd once practiced for hours in an attempt to stop the heartrending looks her family had given her whenever she was silent, which of course had just resulted in even more pitiful looks and even bigger blowouts. But these ones… Watching them watch her come back to life was just soothing as realizing it was happening to herself. It was still painful, living in the present was as much as she could manage but it was something. It was everything.

Almost.

Tess might not let herself think it, and she definitely didn't believe she deserved it but deep down she knew there were other things she wanted. Other people.

Another ending.

"What did you get?"

She took the pull out of her head gratefully and started laying out the food she'd picked up from the night market- thankfully Marrakech had good, and cheap food. "We start with boring couscous for David-"

"It's good!" He protested, making a face at her as he took his dish and went to sit down while she just smirked and continued passing everything out.

"Mechoui for John, lamb harira for Nysa, b'stilla for Vivienne, zaalouk for Michael and two orders of chicken tagine for me and Adi." Everyone took their food with a smile and thanks except for Adi who too belatedly hid a quirk of her lips- an unhappy one. "What's the matter? You love tagine."

"No, you like it. I'm going to take watch." She said before Tess could respond, extra stunned when she quickly grabbed her dish and walked off, up the stairs to the second floor of the warehouse that had been their home for the last week.

The one that no longer needed watching because they'd finished their op and were heading out in the morning.

"Does anyone know what that was?" She asked, stunned again to find the rest of their team giving each other subtle but very knowing looks. "Okay so everyone but me knows what that was?"

Again they all looked at one another, like they were deciding who was going to tell her the thing everyone else knew but her. Nysa took on the task, putting her food down so she could give Tess her full attention, something she both appreciated and was irked by.

She did not like not being in the know.

"Adita sees herself in you, just like you see yourself in her. But I think sometimes she gets worried that you aren't seeing her."

Oh.

Well fuck.

With a sigh down at her own dinner, she was really hungry she put it aside and went to find the girl, rolling her eyes as Vivienne began telling the others how it was similar to how she'd been obsessed with her when she first joined; not exactly accurate but she supposed not that far from truth. She'd come a lot farther than she'd realized. More than she had ever thought she would. Holding back her next sigh she went to the south-east corner of the building, to the window Adita had claimed as hers, pausing when she found her to look her over. She was perched on an old crate, picking at the dinner balanced carefully in her lap, a familiar combination of hurt and disappointment etched on her face.

So much like her.

But she wasn't her. Yes they were both hackers, both orphans, both rebels with an innate distrust of authority and a deep love of humanity but there were a lot of key differences too. She had never experienced the racism Adita had, or the poverty, she didn't understand the sting of familial abandonment or the level of societal pressure she'd felt to exist safely in a specific culture and religion. They were similar but they weren't the same, and Tess knew that, but clearly she hadn't done a good enough job of making sure Adita knew she knew that.

"You know it took me a long time to get siblings." The younger girl, woman, startled as she walked over but quickly gave her a soft and sheepish look, scooting over so she could sit beside her. "You are my first little sister and I guess without meaning to I fell hard into the big sister role."

"Better than my own."

"Want me to beat her up for you?"

She snorted but shook her head ruefully. "One day I think I would like to see that."

One day it would happen.

She would make sure it did, to give her friend, her sister the justice and respect she deserved.

"I see you Adita. And I'm not just proud I'm in fucking awe. And anytime you need me to say it, I will."

Tess had to steady her food as she grabbed her in a tight hug, wrapping her arm around her shoulders and pressing a kiss against her hair before she rested her head on top of hers. For a few minutes they were quiet but she couldn't help but be curious. "So then what is your favourite food here?"

"I like the couscous." Adi said with a grin, laughing brighter as she groaned.

"You're so lame."

"And yet you love me Devi."

"And yet I really do."

She had never felt this tired in her whole life.

She had never felt this beaten.

She had never felt this broken.

All the operations, all the accidents, all the bruises and burns and broken bones, cuts and slices and stabs, water boarding and electrocution and thousands of bodies with her name on them Tess had never, ever been this broken. This beaten.

This tired.

She was so fucking tired and with the Molotov cocktail of painkillers pumping through her she should be dead asleep but somehow it was two in the morning and she couldn't even shut her eyes. This was the time Jay used to get nightmares about the attack on his convoy. How often did he have them now? He'd been through hell several times since but she knew well those kinds of memories never left, and he hadn't experienced something like it since. Police work was good work, had a lot of glaring, institutional problems but it was still important. But war was a different beast entirely. He'd walked away. Her Ranger, a soldier still in his deepest heart had walked away from the only thing he'd loved because he'd respected his sacrifice and accepted his duty and trusted his gut when it told him it was time to go.

Was there anyone who could say she hadn't done her duty?

To her family, her countries, humanity?

Wasn't she allowed to walk away? To find a new way to fight, to… to walk away entirely if that was what she wanted?

Was she?

Duty came from responsibility and her shoulders were heavy. With a sigh turned hiccup she wiped her eyes again, no longer caring to stay quiet so she didn't wake Vivienne sleeping in the corner, no longer bothered by the dampness of her blanket as she dried her hands; she'd been crying for a while. A slow but steady stream that had lasted the last hour, that had woken her up, some deep, deep ache that had finally burst free from the dam she'd locked it up behind, so tired every defence she had had fallen. Where did she go from here?

When do the trumpets cheer?

The random Buffy reference made her chuckle and before she knew it Tess was singing, raspy but steady, something inside her both breaking and healing. "Where do we go from here? The battles done and we kind of won so we sound our victory cheer. Where do we go, from here?"

She'd decided.

She didn't know if was the right choice, the smart one or the fair one but she had made it. And she hadn't even had to tell anyone. When they'd come in this morning they'd all taken one look at her and just known, which made this both easier and more difficult.

"I'm sorry." She said quietly, huffing a laugh when Vivienne clamped her hand over her mouth as she carefully climbed in the hospital bed beside her, laughing when she licked it.

"You don't have anything to apologize for."

"That's definitely not true." She countered but she couldn't help smiling as everyone else gathered around, John, David and Coulson standing at the foot of her bed while Michael and Nysa came around to her left side and Adita sat by her feet, her guilt especially strong as she looked at the youngest of their group. "I feel like I'm abandoning you."

Adi shook her head emphatically but her hand was gentle as she laid it atop hers. "You are showing me that it is okay to walk away when something no longer serves me. That is an important lesson."

"Plus you couldn't abandon us if you tried." David joked, wearing the same nostalgic but hopeful look they all did, laughing when Coulson chimed in.

"You stayed a lot longer than I thought you would."

"You deserve this." Michael said seriously after they'd stopped, the weight of his hand on her shoulder a comfort rather than a pressure. A release. "And every one of us supports you."

"You guys get that it's not you I'm leaving? You're all still going to be my family."

"Always."

Tess laughed through the tears that flooded her at the overwhelming chorus that answered her, soaking up the love they wrapped her in as they surged forwards, careful of all the needles still hooked into her but not letting them stop them. As unsure of the future as she was, as scared fucking shitless as she felt to walk away from this team that was the one and only thing she was absolutely sure of. They would never let anything stop them from being there for each other.

Whether they agreed with what she wanted next or not.