Present Day

Any minute now his phone was going to ring.

He was sleeping peacefully behind her, not deeply, he was paying too close attention to her to let himself go completely but he was out and had been for a few hours now. Probably, hopefully right after she'd drifted off, though she hadn't stayed that way long. After a week of taking her strongest gummies to get her through the night they'd stopped working which meant that Tess had spent the last several hours lost in her thoughts. The same ones. She hated this. She hated herself. She hated the world and all the horrible people who'd made it so that her life was this hard. She hated that she was the one making life hard for so many others, hated that none of the people who mattered blamed her for it. She loved those people. She would die and kill for those people, not just her team's but Jay's and not just because they were his team but because she genuinely liked them. She genuinely liked seeing their two families interact. But if she had to do it one more day she was going to lose it. So any minute now his phone was going to ring with a case that would keep them away for a couple. It had been Voight's idea, unintentionally, he'd asked the last time he was over if she was responsible their lack of cases this past week, a literal radio silence but she hadn't been. The universe had just decided to give them all ample time to get to know each other and that was great but it also made her feel like she was going to explode so a few hours ago she'd found one for them. Nothing dangerous, just a typical murder but it still made her feel like scum to know she was putting them in any kind of harms way just to give herself a reprieve.

Which started the cycle all over again.

Buzz, buzz. Buzz, buzz. Buzz-

Jay was laser fast unwrapping his arm from around her waist, flinging it behind him to silence his phone but this was a king-sized so with an unhappy groan he rolled over to grab it, groaning again a few seconds later when he realized he had to go. She'd arranged it so that by the time they got called in it would only be an hour before he'd normally be getting up but her guilt was still strong so she peeked behind her to see how he was taking it.

"Hey, we caught a-" He stopped mid-sentence to cock his head, his brow just starting to furrow before his eyes went wide and immediately she shut hers, that self-hatred surging hot and hard.

Of course he'd be able to take one look at her and tell what she'd done.

That was supposed to be a good thing but it didn't always feel like it.

Definitely didn't right now.

But while she was holding off the urge to cry Jay had crawled back over to her, his hands gentle but firm as they cupped her face. "You know I can still see you right?"

"Can you forgive me?" She asked quietly, the love in his eyes telling her he always would and the amusement telling her he hadn't gotten mad in the first place. His tender kiss sealed both, as did his husky chuckle when he pulled away.

"That was very sneaky. But I get it." He said with a small nod, his thumbs brushing her cheeks so rhythmically Tess thought if he did it long enough she might be able to go back to sleep.

Might've been.

"This last week has been a lot huh?"

"It hasn't been bad, it's just…"

It wasn't going the way she'd wanted.

The way she'd expected yes but she hadn't realized just how much the reality would hurt. How it would feel like she was literally being torn in two every time Vivienne curled her lip at him or the broken look he'd make when she passed him by without a second glance, or worse, the way he'd hold her gaze in shame whenever she made a particularly cutting remark. Tess knew Viv was holding back for her sake but there was only so much she could keep in and she already had a small tolerance for bullshit. So it didn't really matter how weirdly well everyone else was getting along when their tension was infecting the rest of the group and that combined with how weirdly well everyone else was getting along was just-

"It's a lot." Jay repeated before he pressed another, softer kiss to her lips, one that had her regretting her decision to send him away. "It's going to be okay. I promise. I've let this go on long enough, I'm going to talk to her-"

"No."

He froze but then sighed and nodded, giving her his own guilty look as she ran her hand over his face, featherlight as she traced the bruise on his jaw from where Vivienne had struck him. He'd been wearing it like a war wound. Painful but proud.

And willing to go back for more.

"You can't keep us apart forever. But I'll hold off until this case is done. Just don't give us another one alright? If you want a break that's fine but you need to ask for the next one."

"I promise."

He tried to make her stay in bed but Tess couldn't look at these walls any longer so instead she followed him around as he got ready, savouring his last kiss before he left and then she took the tea he'd made her and settled on the floor in front of the windows. Landscape views always helped her put things in perspective but this morning she stayed lost, at least until she heard the kitchen tap turn on; Nysa turned just as she popped up to see who it was and they shared a rueful smile before she came over to join her, though she didn't say anything. Nysa never pushed. Even when she had been at her absolute darkest she'd always supported her, even when no one else had, even when they'd all told her not to. And like Tess she had a man who was especially attuned to her, a man she too had spent years pushing away and after about ten minutes they heard Michaels quiet footsteps, the man raising a brow when he eventually found them.

Not because of where they were but because he knew they'd heard him coming.

"Girl time?" With a tilt of her head he came over, briefly brushing his hand over his girlfriends hair before he did the same to her, settled on her other side. "Jay still sleeping?"

"I couldn't handle another day of tension so I gave his team a case."

She couldn't help but snort at the faces they made, it was a tactic they'd used numerous times themselves but while their approval lifted some of her guilt a lot of it stayed. Too much, sitting like lead in her gut. It had taken her so long to change the way she did things, the way she thought, to find the balance between helping people and putting herself first, listening to what others said but doing what she felt was right. And now she trying to change again. Trying to open herself back up knowing full well how bad she could get hurt.

"What do you want?" Nysa asked softly and the quiet understanding in her voice made tears start slipping down her cheeks.

"I want this all to be done. I want… I want a fucking time machine."

"Have you tried building one?"

She let out a weepy chuckle at Michael's wry question, appreciative but sadly not soothed by the way they each subtly scooted closer. "No. But I have thought about it. But I don't even know when I'd go back to. I don't…"

"You don't what? You don't what?" Michael repeated, more firmly when she just shook her head, with that gentle but steady look that said he wasn't going to let it go.

It wasn't that she didn't want to tell them, that she didn't think they would listen.

She just knew they wouldn't like her answer.

So she gave a different one.

"I don't know what to do."

They both inhaled slowly, aware she'd dodged their question but letting her get away with it, both just leaning a little bit closer till their arms and legs brushed hers, hating the way she felt but understanding it because they'd both felt the same way.

"Do what you tell everyone else to." Nysa said finally, her dark eyes somehow both warm and solemn. "Live. Give yourself the gifts of freedom and forgiveness that you have given to so many others."

"No one deserves it more." Michael added, sharing a look with Nysa before pressed kisses to her hair and left her to her thoughts.

Tess knew what they'd said was right. Fair. Smart. It just wasn't easy. And she wasn't afraid of a challenge, and weary as she was she knew she could keep fighting, knew she could win.

What scared her was what might happen if she did.

Well she'd gotten a few days. And it wasn't like she'd thought she'd have much longer, Intelligence may not often take on high profile cases, Voight's policing style leaned more towards making small differences where they could rather than seeking out notoriety but they certainly had the capability. Tess supposed she just thought she would've felt… Better. Normally she would have found her peace by now, at least enough to stop feeling like she was so stretched thin she was going to snap but no such luck. And now she had the distinct feeling she was about to.

And it had been going so well.

Maybe not well, that tightness in her gut had actually been getting stronger the last couple days, like an anaconda was slowly squeezing her to death, like she was a balloon that was about to pop but it had been going. Jay had made his peace with John and vice versa, and he and David had been getting along great but now her teammates had gone to see their own families leaving her with just Adita, Michael and Nysa and Vivienne, Coulson having been called to D.C. Adita loved him, she called him stud practically every time she saw him and Tess could see that Jay was starting to think of her as a mildly annoying but still loveable little sister, the way he'd begun to see Vanessa except he found her a lot more annoying, still holding onto his grudge for how she'd treated her the last few months. And he was fine with Michael and Nysa. They hadn't had their 'talk' yet but they all knew it was coming, and apparently were just fine with waiting for it. Even the rest of his team was getting along with hers, there was still some hesitancy of course but that was to be expected. But Vivienne…

She hadn't given him an inch.

Not a fucking centimeter.

And Tess knew why, knew that was one fight she couldn't get involved in, couldn't even beg for leniency on her behalf because only half of it had to do with her but that didn't make it any easier. In fact that made it a lot harder. That was why she hadn't wanted to come out tonight but she had, because going to Molly's with Intelligence after they'd finished their case was the least she could do since she'd given it to them. That was also why she was keeping such a close eye on her friend, tracking her as she made her way to the bar, the swagger in her step worrying her, no longer subtly apparently.

"They'll be okay." Kim told her with a soft and nervous but still assured smile, a kindness that didn't help her now consistent urge to cry- this constant yoyoing was really starting to get to her. "They both love you, so they have to be."

"I don't think Jay's the one holding a grudge." Adam muttered, shooting her an apologetic look when Kim glared at him.

"It's okay. He's right. It's just… it's complicated."

Except it wasn't.

It was just painful.

Maybe that was why when she next glanced over and spotted Jay at the bar too, Christopher Hermann going red in the face as Vivienne shouldered him and went to walk off, something clearly having taken place in the few seconds she'd looked away Tess felt both anxious and relieved.

The storm needed to break, so let it.

"Hey!"

"What?" Vivienne snapped at the old bartender as she whirled around, the rest of the bar falling silent as they turned to watch, the other members of Firehouse 51 slowly getting to their feet.

"Hey, watch the tone." Kelly Severide answered, shrugging off his girlfriend Stella Kidd who was also behind the bar when she put a hand on his arm.

"I'm sorry, am I butting into your lives?" Vivienne snapped again and though Michael and Adita started making their way to her Tess knew they weren't going to be able to stop her. "This is a bar. I ordered a drink. You don't want to make it, fine. But you mind your own damn business."

"This bar is my business and I don't tolerate disrespect in it!" Hermann shouted, hammering the final nail in his coffin when he pointed at Jay. "You two got issues, you work them out somewhere else but as far as I can see he's the good guy here."

Her team and Jay's all shut their eyes in regret and anticipation but hers stayed wide open, locked on the scene in front of her. It was like when you drove past an accident, how no matter how awful it was or how much you wanted to you couldn't look away. And she didn't deserve to.

Not when this was happening because of her.

"He is a fucking coward." Vivienne said slowly and even with her back to her Tess could picture the exact face she was making, the way her emerald eyes would be burning like the villain in a Disney movie.

Except she wasn't the bad guy.

Jay wasn't either, not in her story anyway. But in Vivienne's…

"He told my best friend that he loved her and that he would always be there for her and when the woman they both loved like a mother was brutally murdered, he did nothing. He didn't call, he didn't text, he didn't go to one of the dozen places that he could have to see if she was okay, if she was even fucking alive, he did nothing. Does that sound like a good guy to you? Does it?"

Hermann didn't answer, like everyone else he was very much cowed by the woman in front of them, a firestorm none of these firefighters knew how to beat.

"And what about what he did to me, huh?!" She demanded, the look she gave Jay so filled with hatred and disgust Tess started shaking. "Does a good guy fuck a woman and then hold her as she sobs after her homophobic father disowns her? Does he tell her she's the sister he never had then break the one and only promise he ever made her? Does a good guy abandon the people he called family?!"

She kept going but Tess couldn't hear anymore. She couldn't take anymore. Without feeling herself move she suddenly found herself outside, gulping down air like her life depended on it until a flash of black and then one of gold caught her attention but she was barely able to focus on Nysa, couldn't even feel her hands on her arms as she tried to calm her down.

All she could think was that if she had a time machine she would let herself die.