Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints on snow, I am the sun on ripened grain, I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush, I am the swift uplifting rush, of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there.

I did not die.

But she had.

Lydia was dead, her parents were dead and as nice as it was to imagine them in the world around her, to think about their atoms being in the soft grass beneath her and in the gentle breeze that ruffled her hair it wasn't the same. It would never be the same and the only thing that had ever stayed consistent was how much Tess wished she was with them.

She'd wondered yesterday what she would do if she had a time machine, what moment she would go back to if she could change things. At first she'd thought the obvious, to before Lydia had died, to make it so that she wouldn't but now Tess wasn't so sure. What if she went back to fourteen years ago? What if she could make it so that Luke had never died, or that she had died in his place? It hurt to think about missing out on all the people she'd met and all the things she'd gotten to see and do, to think that she never would've known Jay but maybe that would've been for the best. Maybe she would go back even further, to the accident that had taken her parents, that should have taken her. Would she make it so that all of them died? Or all of them lived? Or would she go even further and make it so that she'd never been born in the first place?

That seemed like the best way to save the most amount of people.

What had she ever done anyway?

Sure she'd saved people but another operative, another hacker would have taken her place and it seemed like a pretty safe bet to say they wouldn't have caused anywhere near as much carnage as she had. When Tess had decided to join the agency she'd this dream that she would change the world but she hadn't. She'd just broken a lot of rules and pissed a lot of people off. And she'd paid for it, but not as much as the people she loved had.

A child screaming in the distance reminded her she was in public so she quickly blinked back her tears and wiped away the few that had fallen, taking a deep breath of fresh air as she stared out across the park. Lydia didn't have a grave, she'd had her cremated just like her parents but this memorial served the same purpose, a place she could come when she needed to get perspective. She could practically hear her aunt scolding her for her thoughts, could almost feel the hard flick on the side of her head before her arms wrapped around her in the tight hug that had always so closely resembled her mothers; it was only because of Lydia that her memories of her were as clear as they were. Sometimes she couldn't even picture her fathers face, didn't know if the voice in her head was anywhere close to what he'd actually sounded like. One day it would be her people thought of this way. All she hoped was that she went first.

Two soft vibrations from the ring on her finger told her someone was approaching but rather than look to see who she just closed her eyes and rested her head against the little iron plaque, trying to let the sounds of life around her take away some of the darkness in her head. And her heart. She'd left her phone behind because she hadn't wanted to be disturbed but because she couldn't ever be entirely without it a few years ago she'd built herself a smart ring; one vibration meant she had a message, two meant someone was coming her way and the intensity told her how serious it was. Soft meant she could relax, hard meant get ready to fight. There were a number of people who might be looking for her right now, she'd only told Jay where she was going when she'd crept out this morning, feeling both relieved and like an ass when she turned down his offer to come with her. He'd probably make her feel better but that wasn't what Tess wanted right now.

What she wanted was to not exist.

"I thought I would find you here."

Nysa.

She didn't bother opening her eyes, not even when her fingers brushed against her hair as they ran over the top of the plaque, actually had to squeeze them tighter when her friend whispered a quick Hebrew prayer for the dead. She wasn't religious, and Lydia hadn't been either but to each their own. Personally she liked the epitaph she'd given her aunt, No One Loved More, because no one had been more full of love and no one had been loved as much as she had.

It just wasn't fair she'd been taken so soon.

None of this was fair.

"You know I didn't know what to make of you when Coulson brought you to us."

Nysa said after a few minutes of comfortable silence, her tone so relaxed Tess couldn't help cracking an eye.

"I saw you had passion and you'd lasted at the Farm which meant you were skilled and wouldn't run when things got hard but I still didn't know if you would last- I didn't know if the fire I saw in you would burn brighter in this job or burn out. It seems like it did both, which is very much like you."

A small laugh slipped out and she nodded, finally opening both eyes but keeping them trained on the sky. "Well you know what they say, go big or go home."

"You went very big. How does it feel being home?"

"Like I made the wrong choice."

"You didn't."

"How is it that you sound more sure than I feel?"

"Because I know you." Nysa said softly, the smile in her voice clear. "Sometimes I think I know you as well as I do myself."

"You want to tell me what to do then?"

"You told me once it wasn't fair that my father put the weight of our country on my shoulders. Putting the weight of the world on yours isn't just unwise, it's hypocritical."

Well shit.

"You know I don't pull my punches. And you were the one who taught me that should extend to my words as well."

She had.

She'd also taught her that she didn't need to solve all her problems alone, that it wasn't just okay to let others in it was good to, another piece of advice she was struggling to take for herself. And Nysa had taught her how to carry that weight, to see an infinite number of possibilities and to manipulate them for the outcome she wanted. But she didn't know how to do that with this.

"I don't know what to do anymore." Tess said quietly, making a displeased noise when she had to wipe away more tears. "I just want them to be okay with each other."

"They will be-"

"Did you see them last night? Jay looked fucking happy to have her yelling at him and Viv…"

She honestly didn't know if she'd ever seen her friend so angry.

"Vivienne needs time."

"She's had time! She's had five years-"

"Those years don't count."

"How could they not?"

"Are you so focused on everyone else you pay no mind to yourself?" Nysa asked sharply, at last bringing her eyes to hers, the warmth and love and disappointment in them making her tears spill over once again, faster when she just cupped her cheek. "Oh yedida. What you did when your aunt was murdered, who you became… it stunned all of us. Yet even as a shell of the person you had been you still refused to bend. We watched for years as you fought your way back to yourself. And you did. You grew stronger, brighter than any of us thought possible, though we should have known better."

Hearing her friend say that…

Tess knew they'd forgiven her for the darkness she'd thrown herself into, for dragging them in with her but to hear her say that she was proud of her for it, that she was better for it…

That healed something she hadn't thought would ever be fixed.

"I knew coming back here would not be easy on you but I don't think you realize just how much of that weight has settled back on you. But we see it. Vivienne sees it and she blames Jay for it."

"It's not his fault."

"It is as much his as it is yours. As it is all of ours." She said sternly, brushing a few more of her tears away before she took her hand. "Does being with Jay bring you peace or pain?"

"He brings me peace. He is my peace, he's… he's my home. It's everything else that brings pain."

"Then we will show Vivienne that. Together. We will not let you burn out again. Or burn alone."

Tess felt better by the time they returned to the Tower but she was also literally leaning against her friend for support, and she did drag her feet when the elevator finally stopped at her floor, dreading the next drop of that heavy weight. Nysa had been right about her being blind to how much she'd allowed to settle back over her, so used to its presence that its absence had been what felt strange, what still did. But she was working on it.

As much as she knew how.

"You can relax. She's not here."

Instantly her shoulders relaxed, even as she flipped Michael the middle finger when he chuckled and waved them over to the kitchen. "Where is she?"

"Adita took her out after John called."

Oh boy.

She knew from personal experience that could not have been a fun conversation but the second her empathy turned to guilt she was brought out of it by a hard smack upside the head. "OW."

Nysa just smiled, she had definitely been a bad influence on her, but also a good one too because her own lips started turning up as she watched the couple share a quick kiss. "So how many times have you had to do that?"

"That was actually the first. I was expecting her to be much more stubborn."

"She is glad to have surprised you and thanks you for keeping most of your lashings verbal." Tess said as she took a seat at the island, raising her brow at Michael when he passed over a glass of sangria. "You know it's the middle of the day?"

"Do you want it or not?" He asked, laughing when she possessively pulled it closer. "That's what I thought. So."

"So."

He gave a dry look but it didn't hold a lot of weight when his eyes were that soft. "How are you?"

"Trying to be better." She answered, sharing a look with Nysa as her friend leant against her boyfriend, unable to help wondering where her own was.

"He went in to complete his reports." She told her, shrugging when they both gave her looks. "We spoke this morning."

"You spoke? Or you spoke?"

"We said what needed to be said."

Well that was nice. Three down.

Two to go.

"I'll speak to him later." Michael said when they both looked at him, half smirking before it fell. "You can't blame me for wanting to make him sweat a little. Might have waited too long."

"We all move on our own timelines. I don't think there's anything any of us could have said or done that would change how this was going to go."

"Do I hear you right? You are not taking responsibility for other peoples thought or behaviours?"

Tess gave him a fake laugh and another finger before she shrugged and took a sip of her drink. "Maybe retirements been good for me."

"You are not retired."

"Have you finally reached the age where your memory is going?"

This time he was the one who gave a fake laugh, sharing a wry look with Nysa when she gave a real one. "I'm not that old. And you are not retired. You just… changed employers."

That… was not a bad way of putting it. Although-

"My new employer has no idea what she's doing."

They all laughed this time and she did her best to let the sound sink in, let it push back those dark whispers that had gotten so loud. That she had let get so loud. But she'd shut them up once, she could do it again.

And as they reminded her she didn't have to do it alone.

She never had.

"I believe in you." Michael said gently, looking at her with such pride she couldn't have doubted him if she wanted to. "We all do. We wouldn't have followed you this far otherwise. And we will keep following you, wherever you want to go, whatever that looks like. Got it?"

"Got it." She answered quietly, letting go of the tight grip she had on her drink to wiggle her fingers at him until he took them, his firm squeeze making the words sink in deeper.

They loved her.

They loved her, they were proud of her and they would be here for her, whenever and whatever she needed and while they hadn't talked since last night Tess knew that included Vivienne. Sooner or later, one way or another everything was going to be fine.

She just really hoped it was sooner.

And when the elevator chimed and out walked Vivienne and Adita, with Kim, Vanessa and Hailey behind them she wondered if maybe they weren't as far from that as she'd thought.

"Hi. We- we thought we'd come by and say hi." Kim said awkwardly, though she didn't hesitate to give Vanessa a look when she snorted.

Clearly they'd come to check on her, they just hadn't expected to run into the person who'd caused the checking so early on. Speaking of her best friend she looked fucking horrible. Not actually, it was kind of annoying how stunningly beautiful she was but there was real agony in her eyes; Tess hadn't been expecting her to feel good after last night, it hadn't been ideal to have that happen in public and she did think the drink thing had been too far and maybe she was making excuses for her but she'd had every right to say what she had. Viv loved her so much that when Tess was in pain she felt it too, which made Jay hurting both of them hurt even more but this… This was more than that. There was shame in her eyes, clear enough that everyone could feel it and they all stayed quiet while she made her way over, slowly putting her head on her shoulder as she wrapped her in a loose hug.

"I'm sorry." She said hoarsely, her voice thick and her arms trembling as she squeezed her, like she was afraid she'd hurt her. "I didn't mean to make you feel like-… I'm sorry. I am really, really sorry."

"I forgive you."

Viv just huffed and shook her head but she hugged her tighter and she didn't think she'd ever be able to explain why but as Tess hugged her back she found her eyes drawn to Hailey. It was small but she was smiling as she watched them, her eyes soft and grateful. Grateful? And then she noticed she was being watched and shifted, the gold of her hair as a sunbeam hit it reminding her of the flash of gold she'd seen last night, right after Nysa had followed her outside.

Hailey had followed her too.

"I fucking love women."

No one but the three of them understood where that had come from but everyone laughed and it shattered the tension in the room, a rare, but she promised herself soon to be frequent wave of peace washing over her.

"That's my cue to go." Michael said wryly, pressing a kiss to the side of Nysa's head before shaking his as Adita waved him off.

"Go you penis haver!"

That made Vanessa snort but there was a longing in her eyes that she wasn't the only one to notice.

"Would you like a hug too?" Viv asked dryly as they pulled apart and the others came to join them, though there was a softness in her voice now that said if the other girl said yes she would do it.

But they weren't that close yet.

"No thanks." Vanessa said with a similar look, shrugging as she took a seat on Vivienne's other side. "Just… siblings."

"I thought you didn't have any." Nysa asked as she grabbed more glasses and started pouring the rest of the sangria.

"I don't but I- I had someone who was like that to me."

"Luis." Hailey said quietly, taking a seat beside Kim who was on her other side- they were a lot better than they had been just a couple weeks ago but they too still had to talk.

It just never seemed like the right time.

"Why don't you reach out to him?" Nysa asked again, giving the younger girl a kind look as she passed over her drink.

"Because I hurt him, betrayed him and… some things can't be forgiven." Vanessa said slowly, stuck in her head until her eyes went wide and shot to Vivienne who just snorted.

"Everything can be forgiven." She told the girl, her emerald eyes, so similar to Jay's briefly flicking her way as she took a sip of her wine. "Just depends how willing people are."