Nine Years Ago

She was getting antsy.

It was normal, whenever she was home for a few weeks she felt the itch to go back out, just like how whenever she'd been on an op for a while she felt the itch to come home. She'd heard a quote once that said to people who were used to chaos peace felt like boredom and boy was that true for her. Tess didn't love that about herself but she didn't know how to change it. She'd been an operative for five years now, at the time a massive change to her life plan and as hard as it was, as many times as she'd been beaten, physically, mentally and spiritually she didn't feel ready to stop.

Not even close.

She actually felt like she was just getting started.

A knock at the door pulled her out of her head and she shared a look with Mouse before he stood to see who it was, a tightness in her gut making her shift so she could watch him, the feeling quickly turning into a fist when she saw who it was.

"What're you doing here?" She asked warily as he stepped back to let Michael and Nysa in, jumping over the couch to make her way to them while he made his way down the hall, no doubt to grab Jay where he was finishing a shower.

He'd just come off a shift.

A long one by the looks of him and now once again he was getting pulled into her crap because while this wasn't the first time her teammates had been here she'd never seen them looking so sober before. Which meant they weren't here for a good reason. Couldn't he get some time to relax before their world was rocked?

Again?

"We need to talk."

"No shit. About what?"

Michael just huffed, loudly but it was Nysa who answered her, after she put a subtle hand on his back, an effort to keep him calm. Not a good sign. "We've been called in."

"Since when does that warrant a house call?"

They both took a breath in, a deep one that made that fist give a give a hard squeeze before Michael straightened. "Since you aren't coming with us."

"What? Why?"

"The Director has decided that after what happened in Nigeria-"

"Are you serious? It's not like I wanted to use the grenade launcher!"

"Yes you did." He said dryly, looking her over with sympathy but also a surprising amount of frustration. "But it's not just that. He said he didn't appreciate the way you handled their diplomat and honestly, I don't disagree."

"I'm being sidelined because of politics?!"

"Whether you like it or not Tess, your actions have consequences."

"He's the one who was selling the grenade launcher! And the director is upset because, what, I made him look bad?"

"You made all of them look bad. You nearly started an international incident!"

"Oh please-"

"Enough!"

Both of them quieted as Nysa stepped between them, just in time for Mouse and Jay to come back. Jay had clearly dressed in a hurry, his shirt was on backwards and it and his jeans were covered in slow growing wet spots but what really caught her attention was the look of worry in his eyes.

And because it wasn't directed at her.

"You're sitting this one out. That's an order." Michael said firmly when she opened her mouth to keep arguing, his tone telling her nothing she said would change his mind. Which meant the hard look he gave her was unnecessary.

And given anyway.

Tess barely had time for the sting to hit her before he was walking out, stunned again when Jay shrugged off Mouse to follow him but before she could follow him Nysa grabbed her arm, forcing her still as she too gave her a disappointed look.

"Do you actually think I deserve this?"

The other woman flicked her eyes to Mouse who quickly made for his room, waiting until they heard the click of his door before she turned her attention back to her. "I do. You know how often you break the rules and you know there are consequences but you have never paid them because for right or for wrong Michael has paid them for you. He and Coulson have fought for you, over and over and yet you continue to act as if there are no repercussions. But there are. And now because you could not control yourself we have to go out down a member."

"I wasn't trying to put anyone in danger. Or get anyone in trouble." She said quietly, more humbled than she'd been in a long time.

And it wasn't done yet.

"You are too smart to have thought otherwise. You just weren't expecting it to affect you." Nysa said sadly, pausing to look at Jay as he came back in, relaxing when he waited by the door before she turned back to her. "You owe him more respect than how you have treated him."

With that she walked out and Tess was left struggling to hold back the urge to cry, losing the battle when Jay silently walked over and pulled her into him. She hadn't meant to cause trouble, not this kind anyway, but Nysa was right.

She should've known better.

Fuck this.

Fuck Pearson, fuck the director and right now fuck Jay and Mouse. Did they actually think she couldn't hear them? They were just outside the kitchen for fucks sake, less than ten feet away which might've been enough for some people but they were shit whisperers.

"Is this what I'm like?" Jay asked quietly, an amused snort from Mouse quickly following but unfortunately for them Tess couldn't find any humour in this situation.

"Pretty much. I actually think you're worse but she is an impressive sulker."

"She can hear you."

"Shit." They both muttered, quieter than before but she still heard them but unlike usual it didn't make her smile, not even Mouse's clear attempt to make her.

"She is also prettier than you." He said, loudly this time, and louder still as he started backing into the kitchen where he was supposed to be making dinner. "And smarter. And kinder. And stronger. Just an overall amazing human being who I would never want to piss off because she's so stunningly perfect!"

Oh yeah.

She was just great.

So great she'd gotten herself benched, herself and her team on the directors shit list and them down a member while they were in hostile territories.

Fucking perfect.

"Anything new?" Jay asked quietly as he made his way over and again unlike usual his presence didn't calm her. It actually made her feel like shit, especially when she couldn't help tensing when he ran a hand down her hair, the wounded puppy look he quickly hid hitting harder than any bullet.

He was quiet at first, trying to find the balance between giving her space and calling her out but he'd spent the last few days keeping his thoughts to himself so Tess wasn't surprised when he spoke a minute later. "Listen, I know you want to look out for them and I think you should but I don't think spending every day sitting here is good for you."

No, it probably wasn't.

But what else was she supposed to do?

"At least I get you for your birthday next week now." He added softly, running another hand down her hair but instead of being comforted it made her angry.

First at Pearson and the director for being ass wipes and holding her back and then at herself for being one. Because Jay caught her frustration and thought it was aimed at him, which it was not, but she wasn't doing a good job making that clear.

"I'm sorry." She said quietly, taking his hand and giving it a firm squeeze, grateful when he squeezed back. "I am happy about that, I'm just…"

Pissed?

Tired?

Torn between giving up and raging?

"Why don't we go to Duncan's?"

"No thanks." She said firmly, her irritation quickly rising again. "There is no way this has stayed quiet and the last thing I need is to get in even more shit because some dumbass said something and I knocked him out."

"We could go to a regular gym? Or just push the coffee table back?" He tried again, with that sweet smile but try as Tess did to let it soothe her it didn't.

And that just made her more angry.

"And break something else in here? I think not." She said firmly, unable to stop her eyes from flicking to the wall to her left.

Just two days ago he'd sat quietly beside her as she patched up the hole from where she'd thrown her phone into it, an unfortunate reaction after Pearson had told her punishment would be extended unless she 'fixed her attitude.'

Fucker.

But as mad as Tess was at him she was more mad at herself. For letting him get to her so easily, for putting herself and everyone she loved in this situation in the first place. For the looks of understanding Jay and Mouse had given her, neither of them even caring she'd made a hole in their living room. They let her get away with too much.

Apparently that was something a lot of people did for her.

"Then we'll go for a walk." He suggested again, clearly done with letting her sulk. She should appreciate that.

Too bad she didn't.

"You need to get out of here. You need to stop thinking about this."

"Would you?"

Fuck.

She really couldn't control herself could she?

Both of them took a breath, it wasn't like it was the first time one of them had ever snapped at the other but she always hated fighting with him.

"Tess-"

"After dinner." She said quickly, grabbing his hand again and forcing a smile to her lips. "We can go for a walk after dinner. We'll have to work off all the butter I can smell him adding."

"I heard that!" Mouse yelled out, poking his head out to stick his tongue out at her before he went back to cooking.

"You were meant to!" She called back, giving Jay another smile but she knew he didn't buy it.

And it was only a matter of time before he stopped letting her push him away.

It had been a week now. One week of being benched and the taste in her mouth whenever she thought about it was as bad as it'd been the moment she'd been told. And Tess had done her best to get over it. She'd listened to Jay and Mouse tell her all the times their commanders had handed their asses to them, listened to Vivienne when she told her about all the times she'd been reprimanded, and John and Nysa and even Michael, though he still wasn't speaking to her himself. She listened to Coulson tell her about all the trouble he'd gotten into with the agency and even listened to Lydia share her own stories about learning to make peace with her bosses. And she really had tried to let their words sink in, and to a certain extent they had. She knew they were right.

She just couldn't shut up that voice that said they were wrong.

That the lesson at the end of each of their stories was falling in line and that was exactly what she didn't want to do. That was exactly what she had promised herself she wouldn't do when she joined the agency. Tess didn't just not want to follow the status quo, she wanted to burn the status quo to the ground. Not today, but one day.

So she'd started gathering kindling.

"What the hell are you doing?"

She just should've been smarter about where she did her work.

Tess slammed her laptop shut but the damage had already been done; Jay had seen what she'd been working on, the dossiers she was putting together on every high ranking official in the agency. Not for immediate use, maybe not ever if they didn't push her that far but she'd be damned if they had all the power. But Jay… He might be a cop now but he was still a soldier at heart and by the look of quickly growing fear and anger on his face this wasn't something he understood.

And maybe even wasn't willing to.

"What are you doing?" He repeated, a lot more harshly and Tess quickly stood, silently cursing him for being such a light sleeper.

For being so damn attuned to her that he always noticed when she crept out of bed.

"You should go back to sleep Jay."

"Like hell I will." He snapped, his finger actually shaking as he pointed at her laptop. "Tess, that is treason."

"Seriously? What do you think I'm going to do, sell it to the highest bidder?"

"I don't know!" He shouted, not just scared and angry but serious.

He actually thought she would do something like that.

"I don't know." He said again, a lot more softly but that didn't lessen the blow when he waved his hands at her. "I don't… I don't know this side of you. This isn't a woman I recognize, this isn't the woman I fell in love with."

Did that… did that mean he wasn't going to love her anymore?

Was he giving up on her too?

"You knew who I was when you came to me. Mouse told me he told you what I'd done-"

"But that was before! But you, you chose to join the agency, you chose to work for the government-"

"With. I chose to work with the government and I made that very clear to them because unlike you I don't just follow someone because they have more stripes than I do."

It made her feel like a bitch that she enjoyed his hurt look but if she was going to take his shots she sure as shit was going to give her own, especially when he showed no signs of backing off.

"So now you have an issue with loyalty?" Jay asked tightly and despite the fact that he was only wearing a pair of boxer briefs when he straightened his shoulders Tess swore she could see his uniform and for the first time it made her livid.

"I have an issue with blind loyalty. You always assume that just because someone is in a position of authority that they're a good person and they're going to do the right thing but that is not always the case."

"Do you actually think I don't know that?"

"Do you actually think I would commit treason?"

"How many times have you joked about being the next Edward Snowden?"

"Okay I'm going to jump in here."

Both of them jumped when Mouse spoke up from behind them, a worried and confused but determined look on his face as he stepped between them.

"Someone want to tell me what's going on? In a tone that won't wake up the rest of our neighbours." He quickly added when they both went to speak over the other.

"He's pissed because he found out I'm putting together dossiers on everyone at the agency. To be used if needed."

"I've been doing the same." Greg told Jay with a shrug when he looked at him for backup, making both their jaws drop but he just shrugged again. "It's a hacker thing. And a smart thing. The agency isn't like the military Jay and you know that. And I did the same when we were in the Rangers, which you also know."

"Seriously?"

"I'm not done yet." Greg said firmly when she gave Jay a hurt look, pleased to see he finally started looking regretful. "Cause I want to know what you think the scenarios are when that information would be useful."

"I haven't gotten that far. I haven't." She stressed when they both gave her dubious looks. "I just… I needed to do something."

Greg nodded in understanding, thankfully because she wouldn't have been able to handle both of them ganging up on her, giving Jay a hard look before he turned it on her. "You need to give her more credit. And you need to listen to him because as right as you are, he is too." Somehow looking at Jay hurt even more this time but they both slowly nodded and Mouse relaxed, giving them a wry smile as he backed up towards his room. "Now keep it down or I'm going to spank you both."

Jay just scoffed but when he looked back at her she turned away, furiously trying to hold back the tears that threatened to pour out.

Tess didn't know when things had gotten so fucked up.

But she was pretty sure it was her fault.

Soft footsteps behind her had her tensing but when Jay's hands softly took her hips and turned her towards him she went, she wasn't going to hurt him any more than she already had, and she wasn't going to hide, but it turned out he wasn't angry. She saw it in the mossy green of his eyes just a second before his lips settled on hers, a soft, tender kiss that was filled with just as much love as apology.

"I'm sorry." He whispered when he pulled away, running his thumbs over her cheeks as he pressed two more kisses to the corner of her eyes. "Let's just go to bed okay, we can talk tomorrow-"

"No. I'm not going to sleep thinking you're angry with me."

"I'm not. And I shouldn't have said all that stuff-"

"Yes you should have. I know that I'm on edge, on the edge, I just-"

Her head was such a mess she had to take a deep breath before she started crying again and when she pushed into him Jay tugged her closer, after a second picking her up and carrying her over to the couch.

"Tell me what you're thinking?" He asked quietly, pressing his forehead against hers and looking at her with such love that it all came tumbling out.

"I don't like fighting the agency. I mean sometimes I do, they're assholes and they deserve it but I don't like getting in trouble, I don't like getting my team in trouble or putting them in danger but I… I see it. I see what they and all these other agencies and governments are doing, I see the ways they use their power to keep people down and keep themselves in power and I just… I can't be a part of that. But I can't not do anything either. It's like I'm fucked no matter what- whether I'm on the inside or the outside I'm still a traitor-"

"No you're not." Jay said seriously, letting out a heavy sigh before he squeezed her head, like he was trying to silence those thoughts. And maybe his too. "You aren't and I never should have said that you were. I just… You and Greg are right, I know that, it's just… It's not what I saw. I was too focused on the guys on the other side of the line to think about the people who sent us there."

Her Ranger.

He was speaking like that was a bad thing but it wasn't. Yes sometimes it drove her crazy how much faith he had in government but the world needed people like him. People who held the lines others set.

She just wasn't one of them.

"The world needs people like you too." He whispered, she must've said something out loud, looking her over for a long moment before he nodded. "The world needs you. But I need you too. We all do so you need to find a way to do the job your way without pissing too many people off okay?"

"I don't think that's going to be easy."

"It definitely won't be." He said with a laugh, still looking a little sad but also giving her that proud look, the one that made her feel like she was capable of anything, like she could take on the whole world and win so long as he believed in her. "But whenever you need me I'm here."

"I'll always need you."

"Good." Jay said softly, guiding her mouth back to his while he carried them back to bed.

With him on her side Tess knew no matter what everything would be okay.

To whatever end.

She could not keep doing this.

It was insane, she was a grown woman for fucks sake, she could jump of out of airplanes and trek through mountains and deserts and tundra's and had swum in some of the most treacherous seas, never mind that with her hacking skills she could topple entire countries. She could not keep hiding in Jay's closet when things got rough. But fuck did she want to. This wasn't even a habit she'd had before she'd known him, she'd done it that first time, the first few times out of sheer desperation but something about it just always made her feel so safe; she'd told him it was because the small dark space allowed her brain to slow down, which it did, but she was pretty sure the real reason was the smell. His chocolate and moss scent was overwhelming in here, something tangible that wrapped around her and reminded her that everything would be okay. As close a comfort as she could get to him when he wasn't here.

He was on his way right now, probably rushing because he knew how tense she was and Tess was really hoping he got here first. Or should she want him to show up after? Was it wrong of her to want to hide in him, knowing how much pressure he felt to try and help her? Not that he had any power over what happened next. Neither of them did.

That was up to Michael.

They'd finished their op a few days ago but only he and Nysa had returned, the others had hopped straight on a plane to Lebanon to prepare for their next operation. Whether she went with them was his choice, of course the agency believed she hadn't learned her lesson yet but Coulson had told her he'd fought for it to be his decision, but that didn't mean he wanted her back in the field. None of them liked the agency getting in their business, she was just the worst at falling in line. Maybe that was why he shouldn't take her with them. Maybe it was best if she learned to work alone, learned to do… whatever it was she wanted to do without them so she wouldn't put them in harms way. That would be the kind thing to do. She just… she didn't want to do it. She didn't want to lose them.

The small squeak of the door opening behind her had her whirling but instead of it being Mouse coming to check on her, for the fifth time it was Jay, looking just as nervous, his green eyes soft but dark with worry, and standing out even more against the blue of his patrol uniform.

Fuck he was handsome.

"You going in there?" He asked with a small smile and a nod to his closet, not the least bit judgemental; he'd get in there with her if he thought that was what would make her feel better.

And even though she was a grown ass woman Tess hadn't entirely ruled it out, but of course whenever she was lost he knew how to show her the way.

"What're you doing?" She asked when he flicked off the light, closing the curtains before he shrugged and held out his hand.

"I don't fit in the closet."

Jesus fucking Christ.

How perfect could he be?

The second his arms wrapped around her she relaxed, even more when his husky voice rumbled in her ear. "Whatever happens it's going to be okay. I promise."

She wished she'd gotten longer for that to sink in but of course it was only a few minutes later that they heard the knock but when she went to pull away to prepare herself Jay didn't let her go.

"I want you to let me talk to Michael first."

"Jay-"

"Please." He said seriously, asked because if she said no he would listen.

And she was tempted to, she didn't like letting other people fight her battles but… Jay was soldier, just like Michael. They spoke the same language, the one she was only half fluent in. So she nodded, stealing a quick kiss from him before he left to help steady her nerves.

She couldn't remember the last time she'd been this nervous.

Less than a minute later Nysa walked in, with that graceful stealth she'd always envied. Aside from Lydia everyone in her life had been trained as soldiers but Nysa had been raised as both a soldier and a spy. Different than the others, but not as different as her.

She was always the odd one out.

"You look like you've done some thinking." Her friend commented as she took a seat beside her, looking at her with those warm brown eyes that always saw everything.

"I have."

"And?"

"And you're right. I owe him, I owe all of you a lot more respect than I've been giving you. But… I owe things to myself too. I have this…" She almost said anger but that wasn't the right word; she did have anger, a lot of it but it wasn't everything. It wasn't at the core of this. The core of her. "This fire inside of me and I know I can't let it burn other people but… I can't let it burn it out either."

That was something she didn't think she could bear.

A fate worse than death.

"I don't want that. None of us do." Nysa said softly and when she took her hand Tess wasn't surprised to find her grip as tight as her own, an understanding she'd been hoping for but that still took her breath away with gratitude.

"May I come in?"

Michael's appearance in the entry way meant it struggled to come back but she nodded, staying where she was as Nysa stepped out. He came closer but he didn't take her place, instead just stood in front of her, her team leader, her mentor.

And her friend.

"I'm sorry. I should have been smarter. And kinder. But… I am who I am Michael. I believe what I believe and I am not always going to be able to do what you tell me. Which is why I understand if you don't want me going back out with you, now or… ever again."

He nodded slowly, something in the way he looked at her telling her whatever Jay had said had helped. But also that he hadn't needed to. "I want you with us. With me. Wherever that takes us. Got it?"

"Got it."