Present Day

She was with Jay.

Tess wasn't even awake and she knew that, because she wouldn't be this asleep unless he was next to her. It had been immediate, a comfort she'd found in him the minute he'd crouched across from her on that mountain path but it wasn't because of that, or because he was the only reason she'd gotten through that horrible week or the reason she'd slept at all during it. That had been just the beginning and the rest had happened a lot slower. Had been tied to her ability to sleep in general.

She'd had some problems as a kid but it got worse after her parents died but after the initial months of remembering, or reimagining the accident she'd adjusted. Her rhythm had shifted again at MIT when she'd been able to set her schedule so that had been an adjustment and she'd gotten a lot more wary at The Farm, always fending off stupid pranks, or full-on attacks. And of course becoming an operative had changed her, made her learn how to fall asleep at the drop of a hat and wake at the creak of a floorboard but even then she'd still been fairly… normal. For a long time and she did attribute some of that to Jay, having him as a constant allowed her to settle herself faster but… it had changed. Not in any one moment but as those operations built up, as the difficulty and danger increased, as she was hurt more and more and reminded in so many awful ways of just how dark the world was her dependence on Jay grew even stronger. He wasn't just comfort he was safety, he was home.

And when she'd lost him, left him she'd left that too.

And that had done something awful to her. It wasn't until she'd come back Tess realized she was only finally refilling the reserves she'd spent the last five years drawing from, the blackouts she'd forced herself to take now seeming like droplets in a bucket that was still nowhere near full.

But it was getting there.

Four months of almost full sleeps almost every night didn't just have her rested, it had her addicted, which was why she was annoyed when she felt herself waking. The only thing that made it okay was that he was waking her so rather than fight it, which she knew he'd let her win she gave herself over to it until at last she met his mossy stare. Jay loved to stare at her. Usually with this same level of intent but not the amount of intensity; there was such a serious look in his eyes, a resolve she was very familiar with but didn't see too often. Jay may have a stoic face but he was a man who felt things deeply, honour, justice, pain and love. And what Tess saw in his eyes right now was a deep and fierce determination to love her.

"You are never going to be alone again." He whispered roughly, his words and his lips searing the promise into her soul.

It terrified her, how much she wanted him, how much she needed him, but fuck if it didn't also make her feel more alive than anything else. She pulled him closer just as he climbed on top of her and with every kiss and every touch the feeling inside her grew and while she tried to give as much of that love as she could back to him he quickly overwhelmed her. And she let him. She clung to him as he drove into her, the way his cock filled her pussy and his tongue her mouth physical manifestations of the love he was filling her with, but unlike his cum it didn't slowly trickle out. It stayed. He stayed and though he hadn't been the one to leave in the first place she knew that if she tried to again he wouldn't let her. He was with her.

To whatever end.

She didn't need the reminder of being dressed in his clothes but he loved it so much that it made her happy to take it, patting him in the face with the long sleeves before he spun her around and led her to the kitchen. Everyone else was already up, they were all early risers, the weirdos, and though the tension in the apartment rose when they walked out it was only coming from one person this time.

Well, two.

Vivienne made a face when she saw him, when she saw how much of him was on her, and then another when she saw how avidly Adita was looking between them. As supportive as the younger girl was she found their competition amusing rather than upsetting. At least someone did.

"Can I help you?"

"Just waiting for the next zinger." Adi said with a grin when her teammate raised a brow at her, cocking her head as she returned her smile.

"You're a cunt."

"Takes one to know one." Jay said quietly, but not enough because everyone heard him, the slight widening of his eyes the only sign that he hadn't meant to say it out loud.

But he had and Vivienne's glare intensified, so hot Tess thought it would burn a hole in him until she leant back in her chair shrugged, Nysa who sat next to her sharing a look with her as she smirked.

"Your sudden cockiness has convenient timing." She said evenly and she quickly brushed her fingers against Jay's, her own shoulders tightening as she continued. "By the way, these walls may be soundproof but we can all smell the sex coming off you, so you don't need to dress her to mark your territory. She's not a doll."

Fucking bitch.

The best two ways to hurt him, calling him a coward and telling him he was hurting her.

"I kind of feel like one with everyone fighting to play with me." She told her friend, returning her smirk even as her stomach churned- she hated that her best friend was hurting the love of her life but she knew, had been told vehemently that it wasn't her place to get involved.

It was their relationship to mend, however and to whatever extent they decided.

It just really fucking sucked that it was so hard for them to do.

It sucked that they were in this situation in the first place.

Tess spent the next two days reminding herself that it wasn't her fault, that just because she had been the catalyst to all these changes, all this damage didn't absolve everyone of the choices they'd made but still… it wasn't easy. Every fucking chance they could take to hurt each other they took, her only saving grace that they stayed off the sparring mats. Granted she had caught Vivienne tripping him a couple of times but Jay gave back as hard as he got which was probably the biggest surprise out of all of this. She didn't know what had shifted in him, what conversation had made him finally realize it was okay to stand up for himself but she was so glad that he had. She just… she really wished they could both find a way to stand up for themselves without hurting each other. Because it was really fucking hurting her. She took a deep breath where she stood alone in the kitchen, relishing having a moment to herself; Nysa and Michael were taking a swim while Viv and Adita were helping David work off the stress of visiting with his parents, a trip that had ended abruptly yesterday when he'd lied and told them he'd gotten called in. And Jay was on the phone with Kevin because he'd taken yet another bout of furlough when Intelligence had caught another case yesterday, something she both appreciated and regretted. Having everyone here was great, healing but it was also a lot of people around her a lot of the time and it was too easy to get overstimulated. Which was why even though it was only three o'clock in the afternoon she'd decided to start getting dinner ready. It was a simple task that allowed her to clear her mind and ground herself in something both mundane and peaceful, though it was a lot better to ground herself in Jay's arms as they wrapped around her from behind.

"You okay?" He asked quietly, the kiss he pressed behind her ear sending shivers down her spine.

"I am… getting there."

"I'm sorry. I'm not trying to make things worse-"

"You're not." She said quickly, turning so she could look at him, so he could look at her and know she was serious. "Neither of you are. It just… is what it is. And at least watching the two of you go at each other like children is amusing."

"Well I aim to please." He said with a cocky but still slightly guilty grin so she brought him in for a kiss and then gave him a tight hug, breathing in that heady chocolate and moss scent as he wrapped his arms around her.

Everything was going to be okay.

It would take some time, but it would all be okay.

In the meantime he helped her prep dinner, teasing her not for getting it ready so early but for her love of pasta. He was right that they did have it a lot but she enjoyed it; it was easy to make, especially for a crowd, and could be done in over a dozen different ways so it never got boring. And there was just something about carbs that always made her feel better. And even though things had been getting better, slowly yes but also steadily she was still going to take every bit of happiness she could get her hands on. Especially when it came in the form of food. And hugs. Every time Jay walked past he put his hands on her, not always a hug but a caress, a squeeze, a pinch, some sign that he was here, he cared and he wanted her. Now. Still.

Always.

Tess drank all those little touches in, let them seep under her skin and push back the tension in her muscles and the darkness in her heart. Pulled him a little closer when they threatened to surge as the elevator chimed and Vivienne, Adita and David walked out, their own grips dampening just a little when they saw them. Two of them anyway and only in response to the third whose sharpened, the only fight they weren't allowed to get involved in, as much as it pained all of them.

"Hey." She called out as they started walking over, smiling softly at Jay when he grabbed the water pitcher from the fridge. Ever the gentleman. "You guys have fun?"

It was David who answered her, giving Jay a similar smile as he sat across from them at the island. "It was definitely needed. I love my parents but damn can they drive me crazy."

She remembered the feeling, more fondly than he was but then his relationship with his parents was a lot more tense- they'd been hoping their only son would grow up to be a doctor, maybe an accountant. A spy had not been in the cards.

"So interesting how that works." Adita commented as she sat next to him, smirking not at him but at her friend who sat on his other side. "The thin line between love and hate."

"Where are Nysa and Mikey?" Vivienne asked, completely ignoring the younger girl, and the glass of water Jay slid towards her.

"They went for a swim." She answered, enjoying all their sly looks, it had taken the two over a decade to get their act together so they were due all the teasing they were given. Just like she was owed her friends snark, even if it made her gut tighten.

"It's so nice to see a healthy relationship."

"How long have you been single again?" Jay asked evenly but there was a firmness in his tone that had her giving him a second look, before her eyes darted back to Vivienne.

"What can I say, I have high standards. I want someone who will give me the same dedication I show them, not just when it's convenient but all the time."

"Easy to say when you've never been in a relationship."

"I may not have been in a long-term romantic relationship but I have stronger bonds with my team than you do yours."

"At least I know what it's like to let someone in. I don't run from love."

Oh shit.

They'd been doing this for a couple days now so Tess was used to their insults but this was different; usually they would have moved on from now, they were careful not to get too deep into it, not to hurt her, but Jay didn't care about that anymore.

And if he didn't back down there was no way Vivienne would.

"No, you just hide when things get tough." Her friend said tightly, David and Adita sharing similar concerned glances.

"I never hid. I was right here, the whole time."

"Right here, doing nothing."

"Waiting. For someone I thought I could trust to call me in."

"I was busy actually doing something. Good to know you can't take responsibility though."

"And what exactly did you do?" Jay asked tightly, his hands fisting where he held them under the counter, so tight his knuckles were white. "Cause from what I've heard she did all the work."

"I had her back."

"You had her back by abandoning her?"

Oh shit.

"Fuck you."

"Maybe that's what you need."

Oh shit.

Adita's jaw actually dropped open, David's too but Vivienne's eyes just narrowed and for a second Tess really thought she was going to lunge at him but then she saw it. Not just anger, not just pain but humour. Love. She might deny it but her friend loved Jay- he wouldn't be able to hurt her so deeply if she didn't.

She just didn't want to.

It felt like her own heart was breaking when her shoulders dropped and she walked away, a litany of my fault, my fault, my fault running through her mind which was maybe why she didn't fully realize Jay was going after her. Until her boyfriend broke into a sprint, his socked feet the only reason Vivienne didn't realize what he intended until it was too late, her friends' shocked look as he threw her over his shoulder so comical that if her heart hadn't been lodged in her throat she would have laughed.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"I'm going to make you talk to me." He grunted, fighting to keep his hold on her as she struggled to break free, something she might've been able to do if she hadn't spent the last couple months training him. "Cas, open her door."

"Cas do not!" Vivienne commanded, letting out a shriek of rage when the AI didn't listen.

A double betrayal.

Triple if she counted herself, but then she'd told her to stay out of this.

That didn't seem fair. Personal responsibility be damned, it was because of her they were all in this mess, because of her that her best friend had her arm wrapped around her boyfriends throat, the reason he was pinching the weak spot behind her knee until she let go enough for him to throw them both into her room. And then her door shut again and everything was quiet once more. A still, almost deadly kind of quiet.

The eye of the storm.

A hand on her shoulder startled her and she looked over to find David beside her, giving her a supportive look. But she couldn't feel it. She took it though, squeezing his hand back, then Adita's as she slowly walked over to that door, dipping her chin to Michael and Nysa where they stood at the other end of the hall. For a long minute she just stared at that grey door and then she leant back against the wall and slowly slid to the floor, wrapping her arms around her legs. And then Tess waited for the storm to pass.