Four Years Ago

Nysa had figured it out. Tess could tell by the way her eyes flicked to her every time a new announcement came over the loudspeakers, not with any kind of judgement but concern. And understanding. Nysa never judged her but the others… they would. There was a good to fair chance that Vivienne would get in a brawl with her in the middle of this airport rather than let her get on a plane without them. Especially considering all the things she'd been doing without them lately.

Without their consent anyway but that was the point.

The problem.

Once upon a time their disapproval would've been cutting, their disappointment devastating and it wasn't that it didn't still hurt now, though the way she felt pain had certainly changed but she didn't need them to agree with everything she was doing anymore. She needed to agree with what she was doing, she needed to make these choices for herself without worrying about carrying the weight of their approval. She already had enough on her shoulders. But still… Tess loved these people. And even though the way she felt that too had changed she didn't like hurting them. She didn't want to hurt them. And if she couldn't stop what she was doing and they wouldn't stop following her then they only had a few options left.

And this was the least likely to cause more pain.

"Flight 513 to New York will now begin boarding. Please make your way to the gate."

Everyone around them began to slowly gather their things but it still didn't take her team long to realize she wasn't doing the same.

That she didn't intend to.

"I'm not going with you." She said before any of them could ask, letting their repressed sighs hit and ripple through her- their frustration gave her that strange ache but it was better than her own.

"If you've found something-"

"I haven't." She told Michael with a shake of her head, calmly looking around to hold each of their stares. "I'm just not going with you."

"Why?" John asked tightly, taking a slow breath when his aggravated rumble made the other passengers start looking at him nervously.

"Because I don't know what I'm doing-"

"So let us help you." David said eagerly, the sweet boy who'd joined their team less than a year ago, an agency pick to either keep them in check or report on their doings. Probably both.

And yet he hadn't hesitated in the slightest when it came to following her.

Tess knew she didn't deserve their dedication but she was trying to. But it was such a struggle, giving them what they deserved while making sure not to forget or ignore herself.

Everything had become a fight these days and she wasn't even close to being done.

"I love you. And I appreciate what you are trying to do for me, what you are doing. But I can't figure that out with all of you staring at me all the time, mourning someone that I am not anymore. So I'm going to go somewhere… pretty. And when I find the next person on my list I will let you know."

She might not tell them in enough time that they could join her but she would let them know.

"Promise." Nysa said quietly, that understanding making her normally cool eyes warm.

"I promise."

"Then we go without you." She told the others, holding Michael's eye until he gave a resigned nod.

"No."

"Viv-"

"I said no you fucking bitch."

Now the people around them really looked over in shock but Vivienne just sat down beside her, crossing her arms like she was a child refusing to leave a playground.

Her best fucking friend.

Tess took a deep breath then shared a look with Nysa who ushered the others away, watching them go and giving them the most reassuring smile she could before she turned to her friend. "I know you love me. And I know you've got me-"

"Then it's settled."

So fucking stubborn.

No wonder they were friends.

"No, it's not. Because I don't have me. So I need you to let me find myself so I can be your friend again because-" She cursed silently when her breath caught but it made Vivienne pause so that was something. "Because I really want that."

The redhead was quiet for a long moment before she took her hand, her emerald eyes so fierce it took what was left of her breath away. "I cannot be the reason, even part of the reason that you die. So if you do something stupid without me I will find you and I will beat the absolute fucking shit out of you."

Her breath caught in her throat at the seriousness she could see in her friends eyes, a conviction that matched her own and for the first time in months Tess started to feel.

"I promise."