In the dead of an autumn night, Immorticia sat around a fire pit with a cauldron placed above it, watching as her brew bubbled and boiled. Her friend, Neptuna, sat across from her, taking sips of Immorticia's brain stew.
"How's the brain stew, Neppy?" Immorticia asked courteously.
"It's great, lass. Thank ye." Neptuna replied, without smiling.
"What's with that sour look? Something bothering you?" Immorticia asked upon noticing Neptuna's downcast expression.
"Ticia? Let me ask ye something...how much do ye consider me a friend?"
"What kind of question is that?"
"Answer the question, ye hag." Neptuna spat rudely.
Despite being taken aback by this remark, Immorticia answered honestly.
"You're a good friend to me, Neppy. I'd trust you with all of my secrets." Immorticia stated.
"Hm...not very wise to do that with a pirate." Neptuna commented.
"Excuse me? I know you're a pirate, but what does that have to do with anything?"
"I'll state this front and center, Ticia. There are a lot of secrets I hold as a pirate. They're as valuable as the shiniest jewel, maybe even more so. If ye knew half of the things I keep from ye, ye would never see me the same way again." Neptuna stated gravely.
"Try me." Immorticia said.
"Really now? Yer asking me to tell ye my darkest secrets?"
"If you're doubting the strength of our friendship, then I have to prove I'm worthy of your secrets, by keeping them. What do you say?" Immorticia said with a cackle.
Neptuna breathed a heavy sigh, readjusting herself on her log and placing her trident on her lap.
"Alright then. Yer funeral. I'll start with this: Plants. They're awful, right? A scourge upon the undead."
"You say it how it is, Neppy!" Immorticia cackled.
"I used to think that too, for the longest time. And to a great extent, I still do. But...a couple years ago...something happened that made me rethink a lot of it…"
Immorticia's jaw dropped. The notion of any zombie even considering Plants to be anything less than horrible was practically blasphemous. Neptuna glared at Immorticia.
"Don't get yer bloomers in a bunch, lass. I haven't even gotten to the bombshell yet…"
Immorticia snapped out of her shock and refocused, allowing Neptuna to continue.
"As I was saying, this was about two years ago, before I met ye, and before we started working for Dr. Zomboss. I was aboard my ship, patrolling the shores with my crew…"
"Captain!" The zombie cabin boy called out.
Neptuna was looking out over the starboard when the cabin boy called for her. She was deep in contemplation, and was mildly annoyed by his interruption.
"What is it, Cabin Boy?" Neptuna asked.
"Status report on our stockpile, ma'am. We have merely 5 days worth of brains, brain stew, brain rum, brain mash, and bananas, collectively. I suggest we dock to resupply soon." Cabin Boy stated.
"We'll survive, lad. We can sail to a merchant isle that's a day's trip from here. We'll also be able to trade in our treasure there." Neptuna responded.
"If you'll forgive me for asking, ma'am, what's on your mind?"
"If ye must ask...I've been feelin' rather lonely. The only woman aboard this ship, surrounded by men...it's a bit depressing, innit?" Neptuna confessed.
"I'm afraid I don't follow, captain. Yes, you're the only woman here, but your crew is always here for you. We'd follow you to the bottom of Davy Jones' Locker!" Cabin Boy stated.
"Yer missing the point, lad. I'm the only woman, and that's the problem! Sometimes, I need another lass to confide in, and not being able to is driving me mad!" Neptuna said in irritation.
"I...I see. If I might make a suggestion, ma'am, it might be a good idea to find yourself a new Quartermaster. A nice zombie guy you can get cozy with!" Cabin Boy suggested earnestly.
Neptuna pointed her trident at Cabin Boy, instantly notifying to him that he had offended her.
"Now listen here, ye scurvy pup! I don't need no Quartermaster holdin' me back from my ambition! We threw the last one to the sharks for treason, and I won't allow another one to betray me again! And what's this about 'getting cozy'? I'm my own woman, and I don't need to be coddled!" Neptuna spouted, holding a glare that could incinerate ants.
"My apologies, captain! I was just supposing!" Cabin Boy stammered.
"Cap'n!"
Neptuna and Cabin Boy looked up at the crow's nest.
"What is it, Raven?" Neptuna called upwards.
"Factory, starboard side!" Raven, the lookout zombie stated.
Neptuna looked out over the railing to see a Zombie owned factory, which was created to produce mechanical parts for Zomboss's robot soldiers. This normally would not be noteworthy to Neptuna, except she saw that the factory had pipes that poured waste fluid into the ocean, polluting it with thick purple pools. This kind of pollution infuriated Neptuna, as it did not do something productive like create new zombie sea creatures, it only killed sea life and left them dead. It also was incredibly unpleasant for her to swim in contaminated waters, which she had to do a lot more of ever since she lost her legs in exchange for her powers as a Zombie Hero.
"That factory's dumping sludge into the ocean! Unacceptable! All hands on deck! Arm the cannons!" Neptuna growled.
All of the crew members gathered on deck and readied the ship's cannons. They pointed the cannons toward the factory and waiting for their captain to give the order.
"Fire!" Neptuna shouted.
The zombies fired their cannons at the factory, but to their dismay, the lightning towers surrounding the factory acted as a defense system, zapping away the cannonballs to ash.
"Curses! Blasted interceptors!" Neptuna shouted, slamming her trident against the mast.
"What do we do now, captain?" Cabin Boy asked.
"We're sailing to the merchant isle. Maybe we'll find something there that'll help us take care of that factory. Drago! Take the wheel!" Neptuna ordered.
"Aye aye, ma'am!" A zombie with a red eye patch said with a salute.
The crew began to return to their positions, when all of a sudden, Neptuna felt something amiss.
"Nobody move!" Neptuna commanded.
Everyone froze in place as Neptuna slithered around the deck, as if searching for something.
"Captain, what's wrong?" Cabin Boy asked.
"Hush! We're not alone…" Neptuna warned.
Neptuna's eyes fixated on one particular spot on the deck, noticing that it seemed slightly damp.
"Cabin boy...have you swabbed the deck yet today?" Neptuna asked.
"N-no, ma'am. I'm sorry!" Cabin Boy replied.
"Is that so…"
Neptuna aimed her trident at the curious spot and launched a wave of water at it. The water hit something, knocking it towards the stern of the ship and revealing its true form: a female Tangle Kelp hero, now sputtering from being hit by sea water.
"Seize that Plant Hero!" Neptuna shouted.
Two zombie pirates ran over to the super powered Tangle Kelp and grabbed it by the body. It decided to fight back, however, wrapping its leaves around their legs and tripping them. Neptuna sprung into action and stabbed her trident into the deck, pinning the Tangle Kelp by her neck.
"Gotcha, ye sea snake!" Neptuna growled.
The plant hero spouted something in a language Neptuna didn't quite understand.
"What's that now? Speak in a language we can all understand!" Neptuna told the Tangle Kelp.
"I said, let go of me!" The Tangle Kelp shouted.
"Now why should I do that?"
"Because if you don't, I'll sink the whole ship!" The Tangle Kelp threatened.
"I'd like to see ye try! Now don't try to run, or I'll turn ye into soup!" Neptuna said with a laugh.
Neptuna lifted her trident, allowing the plant hero to stand up, while still keeping her trident pointed at the Tangle Kelp. She got a better look at the Tangle Kelp, noting her purple eyes, hair-like leaves, and a blue face mask that gave her the appearance of a ninja.
"Alright now, ye have one chance to tell me why you snuck onto my ship!" Neptuna told the plant hero.
"Because I was going to destroy that factory, and I can't have you taking that from me!" The Tangle Kelp replied angrily.
"Now listen here, snake! That factory is getting wrecked on my watch!"
"Why do you want to destroy it anyway? I thought you zombies liked destroying the environment?!"
"Not when it doesn't make more zombies!"
"Well, there's no way you're going to wreck it with your lousy cannons! Not with that defense system in place."
"Aye? And what was yer plan gonna be?"
"I'm not telling you!"
"Then yer useless to me! Take her to the kitchen!"
"W-wait! Wait!"
Neptuna glared at her.
"What is it?!" Neptuna shouted.
"I have a...proposition…" The Tangle Kelp stated.
Neptuna and her crew members looked at each other skeptically, unsure where the plant hero's mind was at.
"Go on…" Neptuna told her.
"At the merchant isle. There's a black market dealer I know who sells contraband tech. She might be in possession of an EMP device. That should be able to bring down the factory's defense system long enough for you to blast it to pieces. If you let me live, I can take you to her." The Tangle Kelp explained.
"And what makes ye think we can't find her ourselves?"
"You won't. Even if you somehow found her, she'd never deal with zombies. Whether you like it or not, you need my help…"
Neptuna grit her teeth into a snarl, clearly left with few options.
"...Alright. Yer coming with us. But understand this, lass: yer under my watch. Ye do what I say, ye go where I want ye to, and ye don't touch anything. I own ye!" Neptuna declared.
"Fine...baka…"
"What was that?!"
"Nothing…" The Tangle Kelp said with crossed leaves.
Neptuna shook her head, grabbing the Tangle Kelp by her head and carrying her with her as she slithered towards her quarters.
"Ow! Don't grab me like that!" The Tangle Kelp shrieked.
"Hush, snake! Yer not leaving my sight!" Neptuna spat.
"I am not a snake!"
"Ye sure act like one!"
Neptuna tossed the Tangle Kelp into a modified crab cage, placing a lock on it to keep her sealed.
"Let me out! This is undignified!" The Tangle Kelp shouted.
"Yer in no position to mouth off, lass! Now hush up! I'm gonna go get something to drink!" Neptuna said as she began to leave.
"Don't go!"
"What do ye want? Aside from being let out, because I won't!"
"I'm hungry!"
"Well that's too bad. We hardly have anything a plant would want to eat."
"Don't you have any fruit? Or do you not have any because scurvy's not a problem for you zombies?"
"Fruit? What are ye, a cannibal?"
"I'm not a fruit! I'm a kelp!"
"Whatever! Stay here til I get back."
As Neptuna closed the door behind her, she could hear the Tangle Kelp shout a swear in a language she didn't understand. She sighed, making her way to the kitchen.
Neptuna came back, holding a half empty bottle of brain rum in her hand, slightly inebriated.
"*groan* What a rotten day…" Neptuna muttered.
She looked down at the crab cage and noticed that the lock had been picked.
"Oh, blast it! Where's that dirty little serpent?!" Neptuna boomed.
"I'm right here…"
Neptuna looked up to see the Tangle Kelp sitting on a table, holding an ice pick and eating what seemed to be her third banana.
"I didn't say ye could escape! Nor did I allow ye to eat our food!" Neptuna scolded.
"And I don't give a damn. Even if I'm a prisoner, I don't deserve such horrid treatment." The Tangle Kelp spouted, her mouth full.
"Look here, lass. I'm in no mood to put up with ye. Be a good lass, get back in the cage, and leave me alone for the rest of the day!"
"You're putting me back in over my composted body!" The Tangle Kelp said, pointing the ice pick at Neptuna.
"Ugh! Yer the worst! I swear, I'm gonna kill ye once I don't need ye anymore!"
"Fine! Being dead would be better than having to do what you say!"
"Yer a snake, and by god, I'll cut off yer head like one!"
"For the last time, I'm not a snake! I have a name, you know!"
Neptuna breathes a heavy sigh.
"Oh alright, what's yer name, anyway?"
"I go by a few names. But you can call me Miso. You?"
"Neptuna…"
"OK, Neptuna. I hate you!" Miso spat.
"The feeling's mutual. What do ye want now?" Neptuna flatly replied.
"I want to be fed properly, I want to not be cooped up in a cage, and I want you to always refer to me by name." Miso stated.
"Fine! Now put down that pick and come with me. I have a better place for ye to stay."
Miso put down the ice pick and dropped down onto the floor, following Neptuna as she was told.
"This here's the fish tank I keep my octopus in. I think ye will find it more comfortable than that crab cage." Neptuna said, as she prepped the tank, filling it with fresh seawater.
Miso climbed into the tank and put her leaves over the side.
"Much better! Arigato." Miso said with a slightly cheery tone.
"What are ye saying? What does that mean, 'arr ree got toe'?" Neptuna asked, puzzled.
"Oh, I guess you don't speak Japanese. It means, 'thank you'." Miso clarified.
"Oh, I see. So yer from Japan?"
"Yes. I sometimes stowaway on ships to travel to different shores. I've been all around the world."
"So ye have. I only travel to countries that'll do business." Neptuna stated.
"Your accent...I can't quite pin it down. Is it Scottish?"
"Irish, actually. Common mistake."
"I see. So...you're a zombie hero, right?"
"Aye? What's it to ye?"
"You're more like a villain to me. Heroes are supposed to do good things."
"I don't see ye doing anything heroic now, are ye?"
Miso suddenly avoids eye contact with Neptuna.
"OK, you got me. I'm not much of a hero myself." Miso admitted.
"Why not?" Neptuna asked.
"My job? I'm an assassin." Miso stated.
"An assassin? Ha! I knew ye were a snake!" Neptuna taunted.
"Hey! You said you'd stop calling me that!" Miso said with a scowl.
"I promised no such thing!" Neptuna snapped back.
"Ugh. But yeah, I kill people for money. You're a pirate, I'm sure you understand."
"Aye, I do. Long as we get the gold, we don't care how we get it." Neptuna said with a grin.
"I hate to say it, but we might actually have something in common." Miso confessed.
"Don't start getting friendly with me, lass. We're enemies, ye and I." Neptuna warned Miso.
"We don't have to be. Times are different now. Nowadays, plants and zombies are making attempts to compromise, or even coexist. You know Plantopolis gives visas to zombies so they can be citizens?"
"Get out of here! There's no way that's true!" Neptuna said in total disbelief.
"It is! As long as you're law abiding and carry your weight, you can live peacefully with plants."
"Well, there's no chance for me then. Not that I'd want to live there. Seeing as yer an assassin, ye probably can't live there either."
"That's true, I probably can't. You'd like it there, though. You'd probably meet a nice, gnarly guy there."
"I don't do relationships." Neptuna lied.
"Really? Then what's with the alcohol?"
"I was drinkin' because ye were a pain in the arse!"
"Yeah...sure...I'm the only reason."
Neptuna growls, removing the octopus on her head with a *pop* and putting it down on the nightstand before falling backwards into her hammock.
"Oh! I didn't realize you were...bald." Miso commented.
"Not a word, lass…" Neptuna grumbled.
"It's alright, really! I've traveled so much, it's not that strange to me anymore." Miso said sincerely.
"You've met other bald zombie mermaids?" Neptuna asked sarcastically.
"Not that. I meant bald ladies in general. Especially in Africa!"
"I don't know why I couldn't have grown hair when I got my powers. Instead I lost the ability to walk. As cool as hydrokinesis is, it wasn't a fair trade." Neptuna mulled.
"Well now I feel kind of bad for you. I never had to sacrifice anything...other than a normal life." Miso commented.
"Ye can turn invisible. I imagine that's why ye became an assassin?"
"Yes. It made killing quite easy."
"Suddenly, I don't feel very safe around ye."
"Oh shut up, you never felt safe when I showed up."
"Ye must get paid a fortune to go after zombies. How much do ye charge?"
"Five hundred thousand. A million if they're a high profile target."
"Not bad. I'd charge more, if I were ye."
"I try to keep rates affordable. I spend most of my earnings on covering up my identity so I don't get caught."
"But I still caught ye." Neptuna pointed out.
"It was unlike me, slipping up like that. It won't happen again, I promise." Miso said darkly.
"Well, don't try to kill me in my sleep. We made a deal."
"Zombies sleep?" Miso asked in surprise.
"We technically don't need sleep. But when we need to conserve energy, like when we don't know when our next brain meal will be, we sometimes do it." Neptuna explained.
"I never knew that!"
"Ye do now."
"Well, good night. I promise I won't kill you!"
"Guess I have to take yer word for it…"
Neptuna stayed awake for quite a while before deciding that Miso would stick to her promise, finally going to sleep for the night. Miso pretended to be asleep in her tank until she knew that Neptuna was asleep, taking her opportunity to climb out and quietly search the place. She turned herself invisible as a precaution and checked the first, most obvious place to hide valuables: the nightstand. She carefully and silently pulled out the drawer and sifted through its contents. Most of it consisted of the expected items, such as gold necklaces and bracelets, colorful gems, and silver pieces. The single item that piqued Miso's interest, however, was a tiny bronze colored key. Miso knew immediately what to try the key on, crawling over to a small chest in the room. She slowly twisted the key in the lock, wincing a bit when it made a louder click than she would have liked. After holding her breath and making sure Neptuna hadn't woken up, Miso slowly lifted the lid of the chest and looked inside. She pulled out a small brown book, which she recognized as a captain's log. She opened the book and flipped through the pages, coming across mostly diary entries detailing eventful days or uneventful days with some of Neptuna's personal musings, reflecting on random things like what clouds felt like, or if the "I Can't Believe It's Not Brainz" brand tasted truly identical to the real thing. Miso continued to turn the pages, finding amusement in many of the entries, until she came across one page that had an unsealed envelope nestled inside it. She took it out and checked inside the envelope, finding a hand written letter within. Unable to resist her curiosity, Miso read through its contents. It left her nearly gasping in shock, to the point that she suddenly felt extremely guilty for reading it. She carefully tucked away the letter where she found it in the book, put the log back inside the chest, and gently locked the chest back up. She then proceeded to put the key back in the nightstand as close to where it originally was as she could manage before crawling back into her tank and truly going to sleep.
Neptuna woke up at a later hour than usual, 10 am to be precise, and immediately went to wake Miso. She noticed that the tank was empty, leading her to believe that Miso had once again escaped.
"Miso! Where are ye, ye rotten frond?!" Neptuna shouted, hoping to get Miso's attention.
"Houttoite…" Miso mumbled.
Neptuna realized that Miso was still in the fish tank, but had turned herself invisible. She reached into the tank and yanked Miso out, causing her to jolt awake and make herself visible. Miso glared daggers at Neptuna.
"Ye wanna repeat that in English, ye dog?" Neptuna asked aggressively.
"I said, 'go away'! I was sleeping." Miso stated.
"Well, ye can't. Ye have a job to do, remember?"
"Right, right, take you to my merchant friend. Are we there already?"
"We should be just about there. Now when we get there, don't go running off on me. Ye take one step too far from me, and I'll dismember ye!" Neptuna threatened as she put her down on the floor.
"Hmph! You like me too much to do that." Miso said jokingly.
"And where did ye get that idea from?"
"You don't remember our friendly chat yesterday? It was almost like we didn't hate each other!"
"I only indulged ye so ye would quit being a stubborn prisoner. Clearly, it hasn't worked."
"Treat me like the lady I am, and I'll wrap myself around your little finger." Miso said playfully.
"*scoff* Whatever…"
Neptuna and Miso walked through the marketplace, with Miso leading the way as Neptuna clutched her trident, ready to use it should the need arise. True to their word, Neptuna gave Miso her space and respect, and Miso diligently stayed on the intended path. They looked around at the merchants and other customers, mostly pirates and other criminals, and they noticed them giving the two some weird looks.
"What's their problem?" Miso asked.
"Seeing a plant and zombie in such close proximity who aren't trying to gut each other...it must seem mighty strange to them." Neptuna commented.
"Not everything has to be hostility and violence all the time."
"Says the assassin…" Neptuna quipped.
"Says the pirate…" Miso quickly replied.
"Point taken…"
"OK, here's the place."
Miso stopped near a random ceramic vase and lifted it up to reveal a burrow underneath it.
"Come with me. That way you don't think I'm trying to run." Miso said.
"Fine then."
Miso and Neptuna climbed into the hole. Miso covered the burrow back up and pulled a switch that lit the various torches underground that led the way to the merchant. When they got to the door, Miso turned towards Neptuna.
"Here she is. Now remember, she doesn't take kindly to zombies, so you're gonna have to stay behind." Miso explained.
"Just get the EMP like ye promised." Neptuna said impatiently.
Miso knocked on the door in a specific pattern, prompting the merchant behind the door to open a peephole.
"Wolfvark." Miso said, evidently a code word.
The merchant opened the door enough to allow Miso to step inside before closing it again. She was a dusty flower with a red bandanna covering one eye and a black hood over her head.
"Afternoon, Sandy." Miso greeted the merchant.
"Afternoon to you too, Sea Snare." Sandy replied.
"'Miso' will suffice."
"Right. So Sea Snare, you want to get straight to business? Or do you want to talk about all that? About your odd friend?"
"That would be Neptuna. As much as I'd like to call her a friend, I'm in a bit of a predicament. You know, captured, owe them a favor or else they'll off me. That whole thing."
"Ah. I don't envy your position, girl. You want me to help you out of that?"
"No thanks. I've got it handled. Just have to do what they ask."
"So then, what can I do you for?"
"You happen to have one of those EMP charges? The ones you can arm like a bomb?"
"I've got one in the back. One moment."
Sandy dissolved into a cloud of sand that swept to a back room. She came back holding the EMP device, a purple bomb-like contraption with a keypad on the front. Miso examined it closely, going so far as to check its internal components.
"This will do nicely. How much do you want for it?" Miso asked.
"How much does your pirate friend have on her?" Sandy asked in response.
"Excuse me for one moment…"
Miso stepped out and spoke with Neptuna.
"She's asking for any treasure we've got." Miso told Neptuna.
"I brought a few bracelets with me. Will that be enough?"
"I'll try."
Miso took the bracelets to Sandy, allowing her to examine them and test their authenticity.
"These fetch a fair price. I'll allow it." Sandy declared.
"Pleasure doing business with you, Sandy." Miso said with a bow.
"Take care…"
Miso and Neptuna promptly left, climbing back out of the burrow once they confirmed nobody was watching.
"Hope you're happy." Miso said as they walked back to the ship.
"I will when we see this thing work." Neptuna replied.
"If I set it up, will you just kill me since you don't need me anymore?"
"Well, I'll admit. Ye have been a good prisoner, despite yer early difficulty. Tell ye what, once we blow up that factory, yer a free lass."
"Really?!" Miso asked in shock.
"Ye have my word."
"That's...wow. That's, weirdly generous of you."
"Just don't show yer stupid face ever again."
"I'll just turn invisible. That'll solve the problem instantly."
"Ye think yer so bloody smart…"
Back on the ship, Neptuna brought Miso to her quarters, examining the EMP in her hand.
"Alright Miso, how does this thing work?" Neptuna asked Miso.
"Oh, that's right. You have to enter a code to prime it." Miso replied.
"What's the code?"
"Well now, I'm not going to tell you that. If I did, you'd have no reason to keep me around and just kill me."
"Hey! I promised I'd let ye go after this job was done!" Neptuna barked.
"Please, I know better than to trust a pirate. I know we've...softened towards each other since, but I can't help but feel like you'd spear my head the moment I let my guard down even a little." Miso said with a furrowed brow.
Neptuna scowled at Miso, but also understood where she was coming from. Plants and zombies had been natural enemies for essentially all of recorded history, and it was a common sentiment that it would take twice as long to improve relations in a truly meaningful way. Neptuna thought about it for some time before coming up with a few ideas.
"Alright then. How about some trust building?" Neptuna asked Miso.
"Eh?" Miso replied, puzzled.
"If we're gonna do this job, we need to trust each other more than the bare minimum. So…"
Neptuna makes her way to her cabinet, pulling out a bottle of alcohol and a pair of wine glasses.
"The rest of the crew can't get enough of brain rum, but secretly, I was always more a fan of Merlot." Neptuna commented.
"OK? Your point?" Miso asked.
"Have a drink. It's not poisoned. It's not made from brains. It's even made from normal grapes, not the sentient kind."
"I have no clue what you're planning."
"I'm saying to have a bloody drink! There's no ulterior motives here!" Neptuna growled as she uncorked the bottle and poured its contents into their glasses.
"Well...I've never had Merlot before. Maybe just a couple sips…" Miso said hesitantly.
Neptuna raised her glass and took an indulgent sip, breathing a refreshing sigh. Miso reached over to grab her glass, peering into it skeptically and stirring the glass a couple times before removing her mask and taking a small sip. After that, she then proceeded to take a couple gulps, which pleased Neptuna.
"This is quite good! How long has this been aged?" Miso asked.
"That one must have been aged...three years, if I recall." Neptuna answered.
"Surprisingly recent for the taste. I must have more!" Miso said eagerly.
Neptuna chuckled at this enthusiasm and poured more wine for Miso.
It had become nighttime, and Neptuna and Miso were at the point of having had more than their fair share of Merlot. While Neptuna proved to be less lightweight than Miso, they had both become giggly and drunk.
"...And that's how I came up with a new saying: 'If you want something done right, you have to get rid of the guy doing it wrong!'" Miso spouted, recalling an irritating story about a fellow assassin.
"He sounds like a real git! So whatever happened to the lad?" Neptuna inquired.
"I solved the problem how any assassin worth their salt does it. The media reported his death as an accident!" Miso stated, an evil grin curving on her face.
"Oh dear! I didn't realize ye assassinated plants as well! I thought ye only went after zombies!" Neptuna said in mild shock.
"I get paid even more to take out plant targets. It's gotten me some infamy, but they never know how to track me down, since it's a different 'person' each time. Admittedly, I don't go for plants too often, for risk of getting caught. When you go for zombies, people are more likely to turn a blind eye." Miso explained.
"Aye, that sounds about right…" Neptuna said regretfully.
"But that's the thing, right? Nobody ever talks about the bad, evil plants! I once got contracted to do a hit on an old war criminal. I took that job in a heartbeat, and the only people that know what happened to him were me and my client." Miso stated proudly.
"Yer quite the piece of work, lass. Ye have my respect." Neptuna said, raising her glass as a toast.
"Respect...yeah, you better respect me...nobody ever takes what I do seriously until they've seen my handiwork, or they wind up dead…" Miso muttered, her head growing heavy.
"Why is that, now?"
"According to my male clients, it's because I'm a 'stupid girl'! I'm not stupid, they're stupid! Boys are stupid!" Miso ranted, her speech becoming rather slurred.
"Er, what now?"
"Sumimasen, sorry. What I meant was...not all guys are bad. But...the ones I meet are always so mean. Even if I'm a criminal, I don't deserve to have slurs thrown my way. And you know what? I'm throwing zombies into the mix. They don't deserve ALL the hate."
"Really now? Why the change of heart?" Neptuna asked with intrigue.
"There was a time zombies were literally mindless and just plain hostile. But times have changed, you know? Zombies are becoming as smart as they were when they were still humans. It's kind of wild! Meeting you, I realized, other than the decay and the smell, zombies are pretty much just humans with a weird rotten shell."
Neptuna fell silent at Miso's insight, finding it very difficult to process the implications.
"You know something, Nep-chan? I can read you like an open book now!" Miso said with a grin.
"Ye absolutely cannot! And what do ye mean, 'Nep-chan'? That ain't my name!" Neptuna retorted.
"*laugh* Nep-chan! Because you and me are equals now! We're like a team, the strangest team the world has ever seen! Let me guess, I'm the only friend you've ever had? Did I hit the nail on the head?" Miso said teasingly.
"Now wait a minute!" Neptuna shouted.
"Oh my god! I get it now! I know why you warmed up to me so well! I must have been the first girl you've seen in years! A lonely pirate captain, surrounded by only men, is suddenly graced by the arrival of another woman! It all makes sense!" Miso declared, her head swaying from side to side in a ditzy manner.
"Miso! I'm warning ye!" Neptuna threatened.
Miso hiccuped before giving Neptuna a silly glance.
"You like women, don't you Nep-chan?" Miso asked.
Neptuna's heart jumped inside of her chest, and she grit her teeth at Miso.
"It's OK if you do! People like whoever. I'll help you find a zombie girlfriend! It's the least I could do!" Miso said cheerfully.
Neptuna could only sit and stare as Miso began to wind down.
"Girls are so pretty, right Nep-chan? I like girls a lot! Sometimes I fantasize about living a normal life, being someone's girlfriend, but too bad! That'll never happen for me because I make money killing zombies. I guess we're both losers after all! Don't worry, Nep-chan! We'll find our true love someday! I just know it!" Miso rambled drowsily.
After spouting all of this, Miso's head hit the table as she fell fast asleep, leaving Neptuna stunned silent. When Neptuna finally snapped out of her shock, she flew into a short burst of fury, knocking over the wine glasses and causing them to shatter on the floor.
"Ye stupid, bloody, drunken wretch! What the hell am I going to do with ye?!" Neptuna shouted.
Miso seemed to hear none of this as she continued to sleep. Neptuna huffed and shook her head in distress, having felt that this trust building exercise was a mistake. Now that she was alone with her own thoughts, she took the time to think about the things Miso said.
"So she prefers lasses, huh? Guess we really do have something in common…"
Out of politeness, Neptuna carries Miso over to her tank and places her in the water, watching her gradually turn invisible before moving over to her hammock. She lays in it for a couple moments, looks at the chest in her room, and decides to go over and open it. She pulls out her log book and opens the page to the unsealed envelope. Looking at the letter she wrote made her feel sick and forlorn, as she now felt pathetic for writing it in the first place. The beginning of it read, "To the subject of my love", referring to a future romantic partner that now seemed like nothing but a fantasy. The letter was written years before, back when Neptuna was still human. She remembered being so full of hope and wonder back then, believing the oceans to be her domain. In this moment, however, she was now a drunk, sobbing husk, resentfully clutching the love letter written to no one.
Neptuna decided to sleep in order to clear her mind and put herself in a better mood. This worked to an extent, and she woke up the next morning mentally prepared to take on the task of obliterating the factory. She went over to Miso's fish tank and tapped on the glass, causing Miso to snap awake and make herself visible.
"Ugh! Can you not tap the glass? I'm still hungover…" Miso groaned.
"Well, ye better recover quickly. Today's the day." Neptuna stated.
"Right, I remember. Hey, we were both drinking last night. I can't remember what we were talking about."
"It wasn't anything important, lass. Ye were a real klutz though." Neptuna insisted.
"I didn't say anything too stupid, did I?" Miso asked nervously.
"Yer always saying something stupid."
"Wow. Here I was thinking we were starting to be friends." Miso responded, feigning disappointment.
"Let's just get this thing done."
Miso sighed and climbed out of the tank, following Neptuna to the deck.
Neptuna and her crew looked at the factory in the distance, watching it pouring waste into the ocean as it always has.
"Are you sure you want to do this, captain? This might make enemies out of us." Cabin Boy asked Neptuna.
"We're bloody pirates, Cabin Boy. Anyone not part of the crew is an enemy until further notice." Neptuna insisted.
"Personally, I support your decision, captain. You were always a free spirit, not beholden to anyone else. What's another enemy?" Drago stated.
"All this talk of making enemies, have you ever thought to try making friends?" Miso asked rhetorically.
"We have." Neptuna replied.
"You have? Since when?"
"Are ye having second thoughts about helping us blow up that factory?" Neptuna asked.
"No. We're doing this." Miso said firmly.
"Then ye ARE a friend."
"You're just saying that…"
"Listen here, ye scamp!"
Neptuna grabbed Miso by the neck and lifted her up, making it so they were face to face.
"Ye and I are friends, whether ye like it or not!" Neptuna said mischievously.
Miso mirrored Neptuna's grin, almost evilly.
"I knew you liked me." Miso chuckled.
"Ye got the EMP ready?"
"Got it right here." Miso said as she held up the device.
"Go get em, lass." Neptuna commanded as she put Miso down.
Miso went over to port side and leaped into the water, swimming towards the factory while making herself invisible. Once she made it to the factory, she punched in the arming code into the EMP device and stuck it to the underside of the docks. She then swam far enough away to give a signal to the crew. Raven spotted this signal with his spyglass and gave his own signal to Neptuna.
"Fire!" Neptuna shouted.
The crew fired their cannons at the factory just as the EMP went off, disabling the interceptors. Each cannonball impact struck the towers and crumbled them down. The final cannon shot launched a special cannonball that created a giant explosion, reducing what remained of the factory to ash. Miso climbed aboard just in time to witness the pirates cheering victoriously.
"That factory is no more! And there were probably some fatalities, but who cares?" Miso said with a smile.
"Eh, the zombies that work there are a dime a dozen. Nothing of value was lost, I can guarantee it." Neptuna stated without a care.
"Well, I guess we're done now. I'm free to go now, right?" Miso asked.
"A deal's a deal. Go on and get out of here, lass!" Neptuna replied.
"You don't have to tell me twice. Goodbye...Nep-chan." Miso said with some sadness in her voice.
Miso jumped overboard, disappearing under the water with a splash.
"And don't come back!" Neptuna shouted below.
Neptuna turned to her crewmates, and they all looked to her to know what to do next.
"What happens now, captain?" Drago asked.
"We go looking for treasure, of course! And if we ever come across any more factories, chemical plants, or anything else that dares pollute the great ocean, we blast it!" Neptuna declared.
"You heard her, lads! Set sail!" Drago shouted.
Cabin Boy walked up to Neptuna with a curious look in his eyes.
"That plant hero was a weird one, wasn't she, ma'am?" Cabin Boy stated.
"Tell me about it! If only ye could have seen what went on below deck." Neptuna replied.
"You said you two were friends. You...you didn't really mean that, did you?" Cabin Boy asked nervously.
"Of course I did. Never mind that she was a plant, she helped us as though she were part of the crew. I have no choice but to tip my octopus to her." Neptuna explained.
"It's very hard to believe, captain…"
"Ye don't have to. I know what went on between us."
"What did she call you when she left? Nep-chan?"
"Agh, it was just a stupid nickname she gave me. It's some Japanese thing."
"Ma'am, if I didn't know any better, I'd say that…"
"Drop it, Cabin Boy!" Neptuna barked.
"Y-yes, captain!" Cabin Boy responded.
Neptuna went over to the bow and looked out over the ocean. The blue sky was devoid of any clouds, serving as a wonderful sight to behold. Still, Neptuna found herself feeling lonely again, causing her to sigh.
Neptuna went to her quarters late that night, holding an empty bottle of brain rum. The taste of the booze seemed sour to match its drinker's mood. The things Miso brought up during their drinking session still bothered Neptuna, and it was a headache, both figuratively and literally, to hide it from her crew. She tossed the bottle to the floor and made her way to her hammock, where she found a folded letter tucked inside. Neptuna picked it up with a puzzled look and examined both sides of it before unfolding it to read it.
Hey Nep-chan,
I wrote this letter after I left, then snuck back on the ship to leave it here for you. There's been a lot of things on my mind the past couple days, and I don't really trust anyone else with them except you. Being with you was an experience. I've always known that I wasn't that good of a person, and that'd I'd end up with a bad crowd, but never in my life did I ever imagine I'd end up working for zombies, and crazier still, enjoying my time with it. Despite our rough introduction, we ended up finding some things in common, and for a brief period of time, we interacted as people, rather than as plant and zombie. It's wild to think how close we were to just straight up killing each other, and we just decided not to because we had a shared goal, a common enemy. It's lightning in a bottle that I doubt will ever happen again in the same way, and I know history will inevitably look back on it with curiosity. When you told me you considered us as friends, I wasn't sure if you really meant it, given how you are. But in case you did, thanks. I don't know when else to say this but, I have to get this guilt off my chest. The first night we met, I searched through your belongings and found your personal log, including "that letter". I just want to say that I'm really sorry, and I would never do that again now that we're on better terms. Someday, I hope we meet again, but the rational part of me realizes that it might be for the best if we didn't. And if it has to be that way, then I guess it's goodbye for good. Wherever you go, and whenever you're off doing pirate things, I hope you'll be thinking of me.
Sayonara,
Sea Snare (Miso)
Neptuna was left with a strange mix of emotions after reading the letter. She felt a conflicting mix of both happiness that her friend was so thoughtful, and anger that she violated her privacy the way she did. Somehow, and for some reason, she found it in her heart to forgive Miso. She began to rest in her hammock, nearly deciding to go to sleep, when she suddenly heard the clatter of kitchen tools. Neptuna sat up in her hammock and looked around her room for the source of the sound. She looked towards her table and saw some plates and knives scattered across it, and she immediately moved toward it to investigate. She reached out to pick up the plates and put them back, but stopped herself when she felt a strange presence. Instinctively, Neptuna raised her trident and formed a sphere of water around the spot where the mess was, levitating it in the air. A familiar face appeared inside the bubble, giving Neptuna a sheepish grin.
"I knew it! I knew ye would come slithering back, ye rascal!" Neptuna said with a wide grin.
"Face it, you missed me!" Miso replied.
"What, ye didn't have enough of us?"
"I've been thinking a lot about our time together. I realized...I belong with you guys. Getting into trouble, making a mess of things, I want to do that with people who've made it their purpose in life!" Miso stated confidently.
"Then look no further, lass."
Neptuna released Miso from the bubble, dropping her onto the table.
"Welcome to the crew, Miso."
"Glad to be back, Nep-chan!"
"Ye know what this calls for? A drink!"
Neptuna goes over to her cabinet to pull out two bottle of wine, one made from brains, and another that was just normal wine.
"Haven't you been drinking already?" Miso pointed out.
"Ah, ye know me, lass! It takes more than one bottle to bring me down."
"Maybe make sure I don't get drunk again." Miso said with a giggle.
"Sure thing."
Neptuna poured herself a glass of brain wine, then poured a glass of regular wine for Miso. They give a toast and each take a sip.
"Just think of how awesome our adventures will be! You and the crew would be fighting enemy pirates with your cannons and swords, and meanwhile, I'd be infiltrating their ship, sabotaging their supplies and picking them off one by one!" Miso fantasized.
"That sounds great, Miso. They'd never suspect a plant on our side." Neptuna said approvingly.
"It's funny. Even though I'm obviously a plant, I feel like you've rubbed off on me. I sometimes wonder if I was a zombie in a previous life."
"That's quite a strange thought, lass. I'm not sure ye mean that."
"How do I prove it then?"
"Prove it? Who says ye have to prove anything?"
"I do!"
"Aye? How?"
Miso stared at the glass of wine in Neptuna's hand. Her eyes wandered away, as though she were contemplating the thoughts racing through her mind. In a very sudden movement, she snatched the glass from Neptuna and lifted it to her lips. She stopped herself just before the liquid reached her mouth however, shaking her head.
"Oh my god, what the hell am I doing?!" Miso asked.
"I was about to ask ye the same thing! Give me back my wine!" Neptuna replied.
"No! I know what I'm doing! I'm not the type to back down!"
In one swift motion, Miso lifted the glass to her lips again and quickly gulped down the brain wine. Neptuna's jaw had practically hit the floor at this point as she watched Miso continue to drink the wine. Miso seemed to gag a little at one point, but kept pushing through until the glass was empty. She slammed the glass down on the table and breathed heavily, tears in her eyes.
"I don't believe what I just saw…" Neptuna muttered.
Miso collected herself, taking a deep breath and grinning devilishly.
"You wanna know the craziest part? It wasn't that bad." Miso boldly stated.
"Well then...how was it, lass?" Neptuna asked.
"It kind of just...tasted like normal wine. With a hint of blood. There were so many times where I had to tell myself not to think about the fact that I was drinking wine made from brains, because I'd surely throw up if I didn't do that." Miso replied.
"Maybe as an assassin, ye have a taste for blood."
"You know that's not literal, right?"
"It is now!"
"Just to be perfectly clear, I am never doing that again."
"I think that's a good idea."
Neptuna looked up at Immorticia to see if she was bothering to listen anymore, and was reassured when she saw Immorticia giving a patient, almost solemn look.
"From that point onward, I made her Quartermaster. We did everything together. We found sunken treasure, battled enemy pirates, haggled black market dealers. All as though she were a zombie herself. We were well and truly, kindred spirits." Neptuna stated.
"What am I supposed to say to that, Neppy?" Immorticia asked.
"Ye don't. I don't expect ye to." Neptuna replied.
"Well...what happened then, for those two years?"
"It was mostly all of what I said before. But about a year in, I found her hiding in my personal treasure chest, crying." Neptuna explained.
"Crying?"
"I asked her what was wrong, and...it turned out, she was starting to have feelings for me…" Neptuna said plainly.
The silence between the two of them was deafening.
"If ye care to hear what I said to her next, I'm ready to tell ye." Neptuna told Immorticia, breaking the cold silence.
"...What did you say to her?" Immorticia asked, almost dreading the answer.
Neptuna breathed a heavy sigh.
"I told her...that I didn't make for a good partner. I'm crass, I'm alcoholic, I'm a bloody pirate. But she told me that that's exactly what she was like. That got a laugh out of me. I have to confess, despite how I feel about most plants, how they seem to never have our best interests in mind, and maybe rightfully so...I couldn't deny the way I felt about this one, special plant."
Neptuna shakes her head while chuckling, coming to realize how absurd this whole story sounded.
"No matter what excuse I had, she responded with something I couldn't argue with. I told her I was a bad kisser, since I didn't have lips and had terrible breath. She said she hated kisses anyway, and that she preferred hugs. I told her we couldn't have kids. She said we could always adopt, except she didn't want kids anyway. I told her it wasn't right for a plant and zombie to be together like that. She said, 'Has anything we've done the past year been right, according to everyone else?'"
Neptuna twirls her trident in thought, almost pleasantly.
"Same as it always has been, this lass was something else. Seeing as I had no strong argument, we...gave it a try. And as time went on, it felt more and more natural, until we were confidently referring to each other as sweethearts. This went on until I took up working for Dr. Zomboss. Let me tell ye, it pained me more than anything to hand off the crew to Miso. She understood that it was just a temp job, a way to get quick, consistent pay. I thanked her greatly for trusting me, despite who I am. And...that's all there is to it."
Immorticia seemed reluctant to say anything, but forced herself to speak up.
"How could you, Neppy? How could you betray your own kind like that?" Immorticia asked in disbelief.
"So after all that, ye still don't see my perspective?" Neptuna responded.
"They are our mortal enemies! They kill our kind every day!"
"If she wanted to kill me, she would have done so long ago. It's true that we were going to kill each other at first, but clearly I realized she was more valuable alive than dead."
Neptuna got off the log she was sitting on and slithered over to Immorticia.
"So what's it going to be, Ticia? Are we still friends, or is it over now?" Neptuna asked gravely.
Immorticia glared at Neptuna for a long time, carefully considering her next words.
"I...I morally can't be your friend after learning this about you. I'm...I'm sorry, Neppy." Immorticia answered regretfully.
"Hmph, a damn shame." Neptuna scoffed.
Neptuna raised her trident, bringing it close to Immorticia's neck.
"Then ye understand that yer promise just became a lot heavier, right?" Neptuna stated, deadly serious.
"Neppy! Are you crazy?!" Immorticia asked in shock.
"Aye. Aren't ye?" Neptuna replied.
"So you're just going to kill me now?"
"Nah. Yer worth keeping alive...so long as you keep yer promise. Remember, ye don't tell a soul about this. I never told ye my story. Understand?"
"And what if I don't keep my promise?"
"Then I promise ye a fate far worse than death. Ye already know what that's like, after all."
Neptuna lowered her trident and began slithering away, leaving Immorticia alone by her fire.
"I meant what I said earlier. The stew was good. Thank ye." Neptuna mentioned, not looking back.
Immorticia said nothing to this.
"I'll see ye at work tomorrow. Goodnight, and goodbye." Neptuna said, leaving for the night.
As Neptuna moved away from Immorticia's home, a zombie seagull flew over to her, carrying a letter in its beak, and a small chest tied to its feet.
"Ah, a messenger?" Neptuna said to herself.
Neptuna took the letter and chest from the gull, allowing it to fly back to the ocean. Neptuna opened the letter and read its contents.
"Stole this from a jewelry vendor the other day. Thought of you and sent it your way. With love, Miso." Neptuna read aloud.
Neptuna opened the chest and took out the sparkling green necklace inside. With a grin, Neptuna proudly put it around her neck.
"Sappy lass. Now I have to get something for ye…" Neptuna muttered.
Miso looked out across the ocean as she watched the zombie gull fly off with her gift to Neptuna.
"Hope you like it, Nep-chan. I love you!" Miso said to herself.
"Where to now, Quartermaster?" Drago asked Miso from behind the wheel.
"To Moon Atoll, Drago! We could use a vacation day." Miso told him, to which Drago responded with a respectful salute.
Miso opened up the letter Neptuna gave her a long time ago, the one Neptuna wrote to her future partner. After the two had become so close, Neptuna revised it and gave it to Miso as a reward for her love and loyalty, and Miso liked to read it from time to time as a reminder of the bond they made together. Once again, Miso read the letter silently to herself, relishing every word.
To my future love,
I can only envision in my wildest dreams what you might look like, but my hope is that you're as rotten and mischievous as I am. How I'd love to sail the seas, with my trident in hand, and you by my side, in my arms. Perhaps we might bicker and start cursing at each other. Being a sailor mouth is our way of being endearing. We might find buried treasure and split it among the crew. But I'll secretly save the shiniest spoils for you and I. We might have a drinking contest when the night starts to bore us. I'll drink you under the table before carrying you off to bed. It's my undying wish to make trouble, find trouble, and be trouble. And here's to hoping I find you someday, so we can be troublesome together.
Eternally yours, til death do us part,
Neptuna
Author's Note(10-20-23): To anyone who discovered me through my PvZ fics, you're probably surprised to see me write another after all this time. I have some explaining to do. I left my two main fics, Time Snare and Heroic Hearts, on the backburner for quite a long time, promising myself I'd eventually revisit them. Going back and forth between them and my Persona 4 fic made me realize that my writing style and capabilities have far exceeded the original scope of the stories. I began to realize that the story I wanted to tell with both of them no longer fit the way they progressed. These fics still hold a special place in my heart for getting me to put my work out there, and to be able to take criticism and improve my writing with it.
So I've made the difficult decision to discontinue the original drafts of both Time Snare and Heroic Hearts, and rewrite them, telling a familiar story with new, better elements. The new stories will share the same titles, and the old ones will have the label, "Old", to distinguish them (basically, I'm preserving them for historical purposes). My plan with the new Time Snare and Heroic Hearts is to tell essentially the same story, with the same ending I originally planned for both of them, with updated plot elements.
My current goal is to revisit Heroic Hearts first, reinventing characters that I feel could use more personality, and more interesting character traits. Solar Flare will still be the fiery tomboy we know her to be, Green Shadow's personality will likely stay the same, but many of the zombie characters will get interesting new angles to explore. Consider this fic as a sneak preview of what's to come, essentially acting as backstory to Neptuna, who I've reimagined as an Irish treasure hunter.
Miso, or Sea Snare, is a character that sprung from a prompt I saw some time ago: What if there was a plant hero who was morally grey or even evil? I came up with the idea of a Tangle Kelp assassin, who chooses to target both zombies and other plants for a high asking price.
With that long author's note out of the way, hopefully I'll get to show you new PvZ fics soon. Take care!