—CHAPTER FOUR—
It seemed they were at an impasse.
Having discovered that the loud crunch noise she'd heard earlier was Mollie smacking her chin on the driveway and was currently bleeding like crazy, Josephine had managed to finally find some sort of tranquillity as she dabbed at the dirt and blood with a damp cloth. This meant that, for the time being, no one was trying to kill each other. Though the muppets contained considerable godlike strength for their size, they were also just toys and could just as easily be disposed of with, say, an aerosol can and a lighter. Both of which were on the kitchen table under the watchful eye of Itachi after they all – Josephine included – managed to wrangle it out of Mollie's hands.
It seemed she wasn't quite as sorry about attempting to put Kisame in the bin as they thought.
Josephine sighed as she sat back, putting the cloth down and taking the tweezers that Tobi happily presented from the first aid box. Josie didn't mind the assistance but she wished he'd stop reorganising the contents of the box. Mollie was scowling, arms crossed tight over her chest and remaining as still as she possibly could. Josephine knew very well the blonde was currently glaring at Kisame and Itachi sitting side by side on the back of the couch behind her. In the background they could hear Deidara shouting.
"You know, we could all just try to get along," Josephine suggested as she plucked some dirt. Mollie winced.
Kisame tutted. "I was getting along until she tried to bin me."
"My house, my rules," Mollie snapped. Josephine closed her eyes in trying patience while she waited for the blonde to stop moving.
"Hardly hospitable," Itachi remarked.
Mollie snarled. "Go suck a dick, Uchiha!"
"Mollie," Josephine hushed. "How long until the others return?" She hoped – hoped so damn badly – that the question changed the topic.
Kisame shrugged. "I dunno."
"Well, if any of them got into as much trouble as those other two in my room did, then we should go look for them."
Mollie looked like she wanted to do anything but. She did, however, make a promise, and after Josephine gently stuck a square band aid on her chin she ran a hand through her long hair and groaned audibly. "You're probably right."
"Can Tobi come?" said muppet enquired, hurriedly packing everything back into the kit.
Mollie panicked once she noticed Josephine actually considering it. She didn't know a lot about the Naruto series so she didn't know who exactly this masked muppet was, but she'd gathered enough information from her younger brother to know that he was not who he said he was and was not to be trusted. She didn't get the whole act he had on now, and certainly didn't believe it.
"Absolutely not," Mollie said in half laughter. "Those other two, Sasori and Deidara, need to be looked after."
Tobi perked. "You're right! I will help them!" And with that he lifted the first aid box above his head and skipped towards Josephine's room. "Heya, Deidara! Sasori!"
Mollie sighed in relief, her knees cracking as she rose to her feet. Josephine followed suit, using Mollie as support and complaining about her sore back.
Kisame scoffed. "Is your whole world like this?"
"Shaddup."
Finding the remaining five was easier than they thought. Konan was found first in the hands of a little girl already in her swimwear, a couple blocks down from the house. The girl had burst into tears the moment Josie and Mollie tried to get the ninja from her, and the latter had to be the one to snatch it from her grubby grasp. Josie felt guilty, but suggested running the moment the girl ran inside calling for her dad.
Konan hadn't said a word, instead staring hard at Mollie while in her grasp. She did, however, point out Zetsu, who had buried himself on a corner of a street. He had managed to close his pincers and looked like an out of place pot plant resting in the shadow of a tree. He was filthy when he climbed out, and had bitten at Josie's hand who yelped in surprise despite his teeth being nothing but pointed velvet. He'd claimed he'd been trying to travel but got stuck.
Considering Mollie had expected Hidan to be the most difficult to recapture, it was a surprise to see him being dragged by Kakuzu along the nutted road, his four fingered hands scraping along the asphalt while he screamed his head off. Together, apparently they had broken into a nearby house, knocked a tiny dog out when it was yapping at them, stole fake monopoly money – that Kakuzu had mistaken as real currency of the new world – and grappled with a toddler who found them. Hidan was the one who engaged the child after it began touching him inappropriately when they tried to play dead, but to avoid further clamour from the kid's parents, Kakuzu attempted a retreat, a kicking and cursing Hidan behind him. Since the silver-head was so enraged, he had chewed Josie out as well for all the times she had kicked, punched and squashed him the night before.
The last was Pein, and he was waiting for them back at the house, glaring at them with his arms crossed as soon as they came through the door. He looked a lot like an angry parent about to scold a teenager for coming home late. Mollie was half expecting he'd start tapping his foot impatiently.
Josephine, though, stopped short at the sight of him, leaving Mollie to close the front door – loudly, naturally. Last time she'd seen this particular muppet she'd called him cute, and he seriously did not seem to like that.
"Hello," she said meekly, waving a little.
"I said we'd return," he growled.
Josie put her hands on her hips. "How was I supposed to take note of that when I was in the middle of being threatened?"
Mollie perked. "What? Threatened?"
Josephine scowled. "Had I not already said that?"
"You probably did – when I was busy thinking you had gone crazy!"
"I beg your pardon? What's the craziest story I've ever come up with? Don't you think that this was a little out of my ballpark of imagination?"
"You're an inspiring artist. It's hardly that out of your range."
"I mean of reality!"
"What do you want me to say? Sorry?"
Josephine sucked in a deep, slow breath and released it shakily. At that moment there was a ringing noise, and multiple muppets recoiled in surprise, gazing around frantically for the source.
Mollie tutted. "Hey, idiots! It's just my fucking phone!" She pulled it out of her pocket and swore colourfully. "It's my boss. I'm late for work."
Josie felt like punching something. "What do we do?"
"You can sit down and be silent," Pein suggested, sending them a dark look before motioning to the other Akatsuki members.
Josephine and Mollie scowled sinisterly at his back as he watched the remaining muppets file orderly down the hallway and into Josie's room. As soon as they were gone Mollie answered her phone and stepped angrily out of the house, leaving Josephine in boiling rage.
She didn't really know why she was so angry; she liked to think she had every right to be. Not only had her friend been absolutely oblivious to her screaming last night but she also didn't take her seriously enough when she talked about what this Akatsuki did. At the time Josie wasn't bothered. Now, though…
And then there was that leader, ordering them around like underlings. That, probably, pissed her off the most.
Deciding that she had every right to know what was going on, Josephine stomped her way to the bedroom and stood firm at the entrance. None of the muppets reacted to her, and this bothered her more than she'd like. They were situated everywhere, having since untied Deidara and the shredded Sasori who was currently ignoring jibes coming from Hidan. There were taunts and chatter everywhere, all at once talking about what they had seen outside.
"It's very different from even the main villages of our world." Konan.
"Not as good, I betcha, if we were human height, hm." Deidara.
"Tobi's all wet! I went swimming." Tobi.
"Big deal, Tobi, hm! Sasori and I got chased by a giant ass mutt!" Deidara.
"Screaming like a fucking girl, I hear." Hidan.
"I didn't lose to a baby, heh." Deidara.
"Why you—!"
"There seems to be no sign of the ninja art." Itachi.
"Transportation is very different." Zetsu. "Got hit by some moving metal."
"I've noticed the same things, Itachi, Zetsu." Pein. "This world seems to be quite different from ours alone. However, adding in the factor that we seem to be characters for merchandise… there's a lot more to learn."
"Yeah yeah, it's fucking fascinating. What I want to know is how we even got here." Hidan.
"You were all out on your missions, correct?" Pein.
"Yes." Kakuzu. "And then before us everything twisted, much like Itachi's usage of the mangekyou when he's warping reality."
"I had no hand in our current predicament." Itachi.
"And I was in the middle of fighting Granny Chiyo and the pink-haired Leaf kunoichi." Sasori. "Deidara was pursued by the Nine-Tailed Jinchuuriki and the Copy-nin."
"Then it is a mystery. Until we discover of the truth, we will learn as much as we can about the nature of this world, and that of our own. Hopefully we'll discover a way back in the process."
"And if we don't?" Kakuzu.
Pein didn't answer, and for the first time he actually paid attention to her. "Where's the other girl?"
Josephine huffed. "She's talking on the phone outside. She has a job, you know."
"Retrieve her."
She scrunched up her face in distaste. "I regret the day I called you cute."
At once, nine heads turned to her in unison, surprised at her audacity, no doubt. Hell, even Josephine was. She could feel the colour drain from her face.
Pein faced her fully. "Don't test me. This is more important than some job."
Josephine's heart was pounding hard at the situation. He was not exactly wrong. It was just his delivery, dammit!
She bowed her head, swallowing the lump in her throat. "Well, I'll admit you're correct on that. Your apparent existence does throw a spanner in things."
"Apparent?" Kisame repeated. "How much more real do we have to be?"
Josie frowned. "Shouldn't you guys be a little more freaked out with what's just happened to you?"
"This could easily be a gen-jutsu," Kakuzu said to his group mates.
"An illusion of this magnitude would require someone with extreme talents in gen-jutsu, or the Sharingan," Pein explained.
"That's true, hm," Deidara mumbled, glaring at Itachi sitting innocently on the bed beside the shark-man. "But the bijuu… could they be a reason? Lots of chakra. Maybe the container backlashed after we sealed the Ichibi."
"A possibility," Pein agreed.
"Did it cause an illusion, or did it cast us to a different dimension?" Konan asked.
"Great illusion," Deidara snorted. "'Plot: Let's see how the Akatsuki survive in a world where they are fictional characters,' hm!"
"Actually, it would make some sense," Sasori mused. "Both ideas. There are known to be different dimensions. Perhaps the Ichibi ripped us from our world as a way to halt our progress; whether it be in the form of an illusion or reality."
"Good. Whatever the case may be, treat it as a form of training," Pein said.
Josephine couldn't believe what she was hearing. "So… am I to understand that you're not… freaking out?"
All ten turned to her again, and again she flinched. "Does it look like we are?" Kakuzu asked.
Humbled, Josie shook her head.
"I just don't understand the fucking puppets!" Hidan raged, grabbing for his falling pants one last time. "Fucking hell! Bitch, fix me the fuck up!"
"Who even are you?" Josie questioned, ignoring the foul-mouthed muppet. "All I caught from Mollie was that you're not the protagonists of this show, Narooto, or whatever she called it."
"The jinchuuriki," Itachi murmured, then corrected her, "it's Naruto." Josie sent him a petulant look.
"What?!" Deidara yelled. "We're from a show named after that brat?! Kill me now!"
"Hidan, put that thing down," Kakuzu warned as the silver-head wielded Josephine's crochet hook again and began advancing on the blond.
"At least you have your arm back," Sasori pointed, giving in on keeping his head up. The stitching had lost all its strength. "The one you lost from the Ichibi."
Deidara tore his narrowed eyes from Hidan struggling against Kakuzu and mumbled in reluctant agreement. Kakuzu then won by pulling down Hidan's pants, making the silver-head shout a string of profanities that made Josie cover her ears.
"Holy crap, and I thought Nate was bad," she said to herself.
"Stand down, Hidan," Pein ordered. "Girl, put Sasori back together first, then assist with Hidan. In the meantime I will have a talk with this other girl."
"What do the rest of us do, hm?" Deidara asked, jumping to his feet from his spot on the desk.
Pein appraised the rest of them, then the floor. "Clean up this room."
Josephine was honestly delighted at those words, managing a smile and clasp of hands in appreciation. The same could not be said for Deidara, at least, who shouted in protest before being dragged along by Kakuzu to start the tidying. Honestly, Josie felt like crying tears of joy at seeing them actually get up and sweep the foam peanuts into a pile and using their tiny adorable hands to lift as many as they could back into the box—oh, it was so cute! Pein pushing hard by her didn't even snap her out of her reverie. She thrived on cleanliness.
"Hey!" Hidan's smacking on her leg with her crochet hook, though, did the job. "Fix us up!"
"Alright," she hissed.
Mollie had this overwhelming urge to shriek into the air and throw her phone on the ground, but she didn't. Like a good grown up, mature young lady, she breathed her way through the anger with heavy, hard, long—
Now she was dizzy. She sat on the grass, face in hands, and waited for the confusion in her mind to settle the fuck down. She heard the door open, and after pinching her nose between her hands she saw someone small approaching her in her peripheral vision. With the biggest, evillest look she could conjure she turned to Pein.
Mollie blinked innocently. "Yes?"
"You owe us answers."
"I owe you absolutely nothing."
"For all our sanity, I insist."
She held her tongue and regarded him closely. He was right. The sooner things were explained and made crystal clear, the quicker they could leave. Mollie sighed, tossing her phone on the grass and asking, "What kind of things do you need to know?"
"Kisame said you recognised us."
"I do. My younger brother used to watch the show you're from." She gave him a sturdy look. "There is no reason to involve him, though."
Pein tilted his head. "Agreed."
Mollie blinked in surprise but didn't let it show. "How exactly is learning anything about the show going to help you guys getting back?"
"We'll be working on that. The dollmaker expressed resistance at altering us." He inspected the car parked in the driveway as he spoke.
Mollie chuckled. "That's right. She mentioned that you wanted an extra finger or something. To make a jutsu, right?"
"That is correct."
Her smile thinned. "I'm sensing a 'however' there."
Pein said nothing.
"Are you serious? That's where you clam up?" Mollie forced herself to her feet, patted the back of her white trackies to rid of dirt and grass and swiped up her phone. She gestured to the house. "Come on, Shortstack."
"Refrain from calling me anything other than my name." He followed behind, looking somewhat like a duckling trotting along. His height reached to her mid-thigh.
"Oh yeah. Is that 'ei' or 'ai'?" Mollie pushed open the door and held it for him.
Pein had to crane his head back entirely to meet her gaze. "What?"
"Your name. Is it spelt 'ei' or 'ai'?"
If he could, Mollie swore he would have rolled his eyes. "You will have no need to write it."
"Fine." She slammed the door shut. "What does 'danna' mean?"
He grunted in dismissal.
Well… that was that, then.