Day 8
Aurelia Callen 16, District 9 Female
I keep dodging bullets, keep escaping death by the skin of my teeth, I don't know if it's sheer luck or talent.
All I know is that I can't just keep talking my way out of death, can't keep running from death. I don't deserve to be in the final 6 and I definitely don't deserve to be Victor.
Yes, I killed but that was pure luck as well and I'm so mentally weak that I feel guilty about it. I feel guilt about killing a homicidal freak who burned who knows how many people alive but it just didn't feel right, maybe it's more guilt about what I did to Harley, about stealing his best friend away. The bond they had, I wish I had that bond with someone, I wanted so bad to have that with Declan and maybe we were growing towards that as kids but after ten years of believing the other was dead.
Ten years of me being moulded into this sensitive submissive scared little girl who barely had any social interactions and Declan became the leader of the most ruthless group in panem being forced to block his emotions and almost be a monster. I knew there was no chance we could become like the twos.
We couldn't understand each other, we didn't know how the other felt.
I wanted to make it work and be with him but he pushed me away by belittling me and almost bullying me, every chance he got.
I deserved better I knew that but now I hate myself even more for leaving him, he needed me, he was on the brink of sanity and I was holding him together yet I threw that away. I abandoned him and I hate myself for it but if I had been with him I could have been dead.
Brayen wanted me to find Cedric, to be his allie but at that moment I wanted death I still don't even know if I wanted to win or die. My mind was literally all over the place when his knife was on my neck, I almost felt at peace, I knew he would do it quickly yet he didn't do it, he didn't kill me when he should have.
I learned that life is so valuable, so precious, as much as I want to die at the same time I know I can't. I need to fight I made it this far, and survived being killed multiple times, I can't just give up now.
District 9 need me, if I win then maybe I can make sure things like what happened to me don't happen again, that I can make the district a better place.
Even if I hated what the outsiders did to me at the end of the day they became family, I want to help them, I want to get rid of the dark region in general and make the district whole again, the outsiders and outlaws only became monsters because they were forced to not because they wanted too.
You really only become a monster if you are forced too.
Do I really have a chance though?
I may have bided time finding an ally but allying with Cedric was more for comfort. I was too emotional alone, too all over the place, I wasn't going insane like my brother did but I knew I was going to run into my own death, it is good to be with someone where I don't need to almost walk on a tightrope scared if I say something I will get hit or nearly murdered.
It just has been I don't know a bit awkward, he was fine when he had his knife to my throat now I think he's too scared to speak, too scared to talk, we both fell asleep last night we barricaded the closest I knew he was scared to move when sleeping in case he touched me deep down I wanted him to be close but I know every time we brush against each other or I even look at him he looks like he's about to collapse or something.
It's cute, I only have experience around guys my age because I was a prisoner by them, I know how to please them but I trust Cedric we trusted each other to sleep when I couldn't even trust my own brother but even I feel like I can't speak, like I'm scared to get attached to grow a real bond to him, one or both of us will die soon, we might as try to have the guts to speak to the other.
You only live once but even now when we make eye contact we just stare at each other as I just look away. I hear him swear to himself great we must look like a bunch of love-struck 12-year-olds right now and this isn't the time to be love-struck we really should be fighting each other right now.
"Did you and Levin choose to split?" I say
His eyes perk up at the fact I asked him a question but if I didn't want to be around him I wouldn't have allied with him.
He needs to understand that but then maybe it's better if we don't talk, no attachment, I'm getting to the point now I might actually fight to win, I don't want to have to kill him but out of everyone I might have a somewhat better chance against him, even that is slim but there are power in numbers not that I want to bump into anyone again and what happens if we bump into Levin.
There is so much Cedric and I, need to talk about that we didn't but clearly we were both exhausted from yesterday, I was still rattled and he always seemed on edge.
I want to know more about him, and why he was such an early right-off and why he seems so sweet and gentle for a career but I'm almost scared to ask.
I guess I'm used to not having a real right to talk I know it took me a while to warm up to Brayen to get out of the habit of being a prisoner, where I was only allowed to speak when spoken to but being with Declan anything I would say he would get offended and he would hurt me.
It feels nice to feel normal for once.
"Fire freak and your boyfriend set fire everywhere and forced us to split I guess it was a blessing in disguise I got too attached to Levin" he says
"He isn't my boyfriend, luckily," I say, he just smirks
"Thank god that means your single, shit did I just say that fuck" he says, I just chuckle.
"Hey it's fine, it was probably the right choice for you two to split you two seemed really close," I say
"He was my best friend really the only friend I had, I was friends with this old man Kenzo but people called me a loser for calling someone that old a friend" He says.
He is talking so quick it's sort of hard to understand but he is probably nervous I'm nervous too but I'm lacking in social skills due to my upbringing.
"You aren't a loser that's really sweet that you spend your time with the elderly, you must make his day," I say
"That makes me feel better, what about you, your file was pretty intense, was everything in it true" he says
"Yeah, I'm not the best person," I say
"The fact you survived all that I would have I don't know collapsed to death you are really strong I admire that," he says now I'm blushing fuck, why couldn't I meet this kid in District 9.
"Thanks" I stutter that's all that can come from my mouth, everyone used to call me strong but I never agreed if I had been strong I would have tried to run not let myself be used as a decoy, not let myself witness people die and not do a thing.
I feel weak and spineless even now I could have killed Cedric in his sleep but instead I didn't want to I couldn't, he could have killed me twice but didn't.
I need to repay that favour plus having him with me, it makes me feel more settled, even if we are both awkward talking to each other I haven't felt so calm before. I feel like I can be myself and this is from a boy I only met two weeks ago, we barely spoke yet I felt this bond, this draw to him.
"What happened with Declan," he says shuffling Closer to me
"He murdered Mabel with his bare hands, not just murdered her he went overboard then when I tried to run he took me as a hostage, I was able to get away I always knew he was unstable but he completely lost it," I say
"You mean Mabel as in little sweet 14-year-old Mabel who couldn't even grab a knife in training," He says.
I am even ashamed at the fact my brother did it and it's all my fault.
"Yeah, it's my fault, I got Winston away from him hoping she could escape but Declan left us to chase her," I say, that is what hurts the most out of all this, he pretty much left me to die as if he didn't care.
"How is that your fault, I'm sorry, look I know we will have to maybe fight soon but I'm willing to look after you or whatever dudes to girls until then," he says
"How innocent are you?" I chuckle
"When I had to help you up yesterday, that was the first time I held a girl's hand I know I know it's pathetic I just chocked up when trying to speak to girls" he says
"You aren't with me," I say
"You aren't intimidating, but thank you for I don't know, just thank you for not killing me in my sleep or anything" he says
"I should thank you," I say
"We were hunting you two, you probably knew that, I agreed to kill you I was hoping to shoot an arrow in your head," he says, I do love his honesty too like that isn't really what I want to hear but he said it so casually.
"That would have been a quick death," I say he just bites his lip
I just grab him as he just jumps toppling over me when we hear a banging noise.
"What's that" he says just holding onto me I just focus my hearing
"It's just thunder we have it a lot in nine" I say
"Oh so it isn't MC Sawy pants trying to get in" he says.
He is practically sitting on my lap but I don't want to push him away, I feel a lot calmer with him close to me even if I shouldn't, his from district one, and he is still a career.
"It's thunder trust me, I still don't know if we should stay here, you are in charge though," I say
"I thought you were in charge" he stutters
"Fuck sorry I forgot I was sitting on your lap" he says jumping off and hitting his head in the process, I don't even know how he managed that.
"Are you okay?" I say
"Yeah yeah do it all the time you know I probably have brain damage, but uh we can move probably should The thunder could be a warning like how they made me sleep with a dead old lady" he says
"Wait what" I say again he says it so casually.
"Oh so I was like really tired and went into bed and bam dead old lady, not my best moment," he says
I just smile at him as he just unlocks the door I just stand behind him even if he doesn't seem too intimidating he is taller than my brother is, or was the less I think about Declan the better it will just conflict me too much.
But what if he dies before me then I will hate myself because I could have helped him but at the same time, we were toxic for each other it was the right choice.
I just hope he doesn't hate me that would break my heart it's why I hope I don't see him again I know what he will say and I'm not ready to hear it.
When we walk outside the cold air hits me instantly, it feels like the temperature has dropped about 20 degrees and it was already freezing I just shove my hands in my pockets shivering.
"Here take my gloves they were more for if I fall over but they are warm" he says about to take them off.
"No no keep them, I should be more used to the cold" I say
"You sure," he says
"Yeah," I say but even having my hands in my pockets doesn't help as he just stares at me for a moment I get stunned when he grabs my hand.
"Is that better?" He stutters it's a bit awkward how his holding it but All through these games I wanted comfort. I almost wanted affection even if I was a prisoner for the outsiders all I got was affection.
I know it was more to undermine me and treat me like a puppy but I wanted it here almost needed it and I didn't get it from my brother with Declan I had to grow up and not show weakness.
"Yeah thanks," I say
"I might trip over by the way so I try to catch me," he says
"You know I study a bit about the human mind, you fall so much because you're scared of it, scared of making a fool of yourself, sometimes the more you worry about something, you end up doing it," I say
He just stares at me "You know you might be right, being from a rich family, appearance and being well mannered and stuff was always important I stress so much that I let it all get to me. If you know so much about the human mind can you fix Harley" he says
I just chuckle "I don't think anyone will fix that boy but if we do run in into him, run okay, he wants me, not you" I say.
Harley finding me terrifies me, Rory was planning to torture me, a few more seconds and he would have pulled my tongue out but Rory wasn't obsessed with me. Harley is and that's the scary thing he could do anything.
A lot of rooms in these games don't have cameras
"We are allies, I'm not going to leave you, Harley needs to die neither of us can kill him alone, together we may stand a chance" he says. I just nod.
"There is a town I saw on the map, it had like an underground cave system, a lake, a small forest and mountain ranges fewer buildings and more of a natural environment I don't think anyone has been there yet we can walk there," he says
"I like your thinking," I say
"Only thing though can you swim in case you know saw maniac comes chasing us" he says
"Unfortunately no, we had no lakes, no rivers nothing like that in nine," I say
"Us either which means two wouldn't well I hope, who knows what happens in that whack district," he says.
He is actually smart, he is actually a lot of things, why did we have to meet her. Why didn't I go with my heart and leave Declan early but he was with Levin, although we never really spoke it was more like an attraction by staring at each other.
"Kylian will be able to swim" I say
"Oh fuck yeah that guy, let's say away from the lake," he says, even if we are both stuttering a bit we can hold conversations, it is nice to be able to do that.
We just walk through the maze There is silence but it isn't awkward almost peaceful we grip onto each other's hand like it's a security blanket and it is, I'm terrified and I know he is too.
Cedric just grabs me, pulling me into him as I hear footsteps it isn't until who is that my eyes widen but Cedric quickly covers my mouth like he is afraid I will call out to my brother. Declan just runs past luckily where we are in the maze he can't see us but even without fully seeing him I can see the distress, the insanity.
"You aren't going to scream" Cedric whispers I shake my head as he moves his hand.
"He will get me killed let's just go luckily he is going the opposite way," I say, we just keep walking a part of me wants to follow him but I know I can't, I know I can never see him again.
Levin Huxley 18, District 1 Male
Everyone may think I am completely and utterly crazy right now. Even my own mentor thinks so, I had the most dangerous, most sadistic and most insane tribute begging for his death, I should have easily ended his life, gotten rid of a massive threat and been on a smoother path to victory, that could have pretty much been the key to my victory.
Yet I know as much as I trust my skills, I don't trust myself, so by almost hiring psycho freak to be a killer for me, it means less blood on my hands normally.
I'm hired to kill, but I know I can't take Kylian on his own, the boy is too smart, plus another unstable killer is running around. After I got split from Cedric I was able to get back into town I saw some blood coming from a diner which I lost track of but when I went in there I saw Winston's body with his face absolutely destroyed and by I mean destroyed, it was practically detached from his neck stabbed to pieces.
I knew it wasn't the twos since Harley said it wasn't him and I do trust his word mainly because he said if it was him and Rory it would have had burn marks.
I thought it was Kylian I was hoping it was Kylian but it wasn't, that isn't his kill style. It was Declan which meant boy has lost the plot and he already overpowered me once.
I am confident in my abilities but I knew if I could make a deal with Harley it meant having help, but it also meant that he could kill for me, I feel bad for using him but to be honest he doesn't even deserve to be living this long.
At least for the moment, I can protect Cedric I can make sure, I keep the freak occupied not that I really need to that he was having a full-on conversation with his saw last night (I mean Junior, since he got angry when I called it a saw and was lucky he didn't cut my head off) and by full on I mean full on it's actually sad and disturbing but he hasn't done anything to make me worried, he is actually a really nice kid which is surprising.
I think he is just misunderstood, I know how that feels still doesn't mean I can walk ahead of him or sleep with both eyes shut. I don't want to wake up with half my organs missing because that's something the kid will do, but I needed to do something if Declan is off his tree and Kylian is a mystery he has flown way under the radar that isn't good.
I need back up, I would have stayed with Cedric if we weren't split up but this is better.
At least I don't care if Harley dies I almost want to do it now and put him out of his misery but wanting revenge is keeps him alive and he deserves revenge. I would want revenge too if someone killed my siblings, I would want to make them suffer in sick and twisted ways, I have always been a man of my honour, yes I'm a hit man but I never ignored a job, I never let someone down I always did my job as wrong as it felt.
I need to do that here, and if it gets me killed at least I will go down with honour, I may be a trained hitman but fighting against insanity fighting against my morals I haven't done that. I know if I kill someone like Aurelia or Cedric I will snap, I know deep down I'm rattled inside and if I'm conflicted by guilt this late in the games, it will get to me.
The games do things to you, I have witnessed it in previous years. I have seen it this year with Declan I don't want that happening to me I don't want to come out of this as void, if I have to die then I want to die who I am. I know I was willing to fight tooth and nail to live I was willing to do everything but being in these games I learned that my humanity is important and that I don't want to come out as Victor and be a monster, be a void it isn't worth it I would rather die.
So if it means making a deal with another devil be it, I have made deals with the devil before and it went alright but this kid is something else that's for sure, we haven't really been spoken I just let him be I know he js distraught, but I don't really know how to comfort people, I don't think he knows how to be comforted, well I know how to comfort normal people but this kid ain't normal.
Clearly, Rory dying has screwed with him more than I thought, deep down I thought that there wasn't a genuine bond, they were two homicidal maniacs how can two kids like that have any emotion but they do.
I didn't know what to really say or two to him, so I just gave him space even if he didn't want me to leave the room last night, he said it was because the hell demon was outside and I would get killed.
That got me paranoid that someone is actually outside but it's just his imagination I think everything this kid believes is, made up as sad as that is, in a sense I can't blame him sometimes putting your mind somewhere else is almost like a security blanket. It is a safety blanket, I sometimes do that if I'm not around my siblings like I have been right now, I really do miss them that's why I got attached to Cedric so bad.
He become like my little brother and as much as I want to see him again I know I can't, I know if we do then tough choices need to be made, I have Harley now but I still would rather him not kill Cedric I will try and make sure we don't bump into him for now but that leaves only three more tributes left to die.
Kylian is on my radar, he wouldn't expect Harley and I to be together but maybe he already knows "My mentor said only two tributes get trackers, do you know who that is" I say
I just tense when he stands up walking over to me but instead of attacking, he just grabs something from his pocket dropping a whole heap of broken pieces of tracker in my hand just nodding.
Okay then this is going to be handy isn't it "It stopped working after Rory's cannon went" he says even the way he says his name he says it with so much pain and heartbreak fuck do I actually feel sorry for this kid.
I really shouldn't No it's not sympathy, he deserves everything he got given to him but the fact he is showing so much heartbreak is what shocks me I didn't expect that "I either thought you or the king reaper would have had the second one" he says softly just taking the tracker pieces from my hands and putting them back in his pocket I really want to know what the kid plans to do with those or what else he has in his pocket.
I hope he can't kill anyone with them but sadly it's possible, just need to keep my eyes even more open "I never had one" I say I have a compass with Aurelia's sort of location which I stupidly gave to Harley just to please the kid. I expected him to go hunt her but he said I'm in charge I don't know if this is a trap or not but besides splitting Levin and me up which was clear to stop us from attacking Aurelia, he can. He is straightforward forward I doubt there would be any games with this kid plus he has several chances to kill me and he hasn't.
"The king reaper must but they would have turned it off. I'm guessing he's a little rattled right now, he likes control and he doesn't have it he believes there are still two duos left and believes I'm running around off my head we can use that" he says
"You know a lot about how people think," I say
"I was a professional psychologist I can give you my card if you want and when we meet in the afterworld in a hundred years when you die of old age we can talk" he says.
At least he is implying he said wants me to live, although even if the kid wanted to be Victor I don't think the capital will allow it.
I just hope I don't need to break that to him because I'm unsure if that will go down well so I just let him talk, I learned with the insane you really just need to play along, you can't be too nice but you can't seem afraid of them either. I know I have to tread on water even if Harley is a whole new level of crazy, but this is my best bet.
To kill Kylian at least "Sure" I say he just smiled at me handing me a business card covered in blood that I can't make out whose it was or whose blood it is but I don't really want to know.
"We can plan an attack on him, I doubt he would expect us to be together it will be the best chance, the reaper is smart but a complete ambush is the only way to get to him then he will be easy to overpower," Harley says.
For a second it takes me a while to understand who he is talking about but it's Kylian the boy has been like a ghost most of these games, everyone else I have at least a run-in with but with his score and his predicted placing and the fact he is a villain, he was always a concern to me.
The fact he can be seen as a villain over like Harley and Rory means the boy must be evil, is it weird to say that Harley has this odd child-like innocence to him fuck I must be tired if I'm thinking this freak is innocent.
I haven't slept in a few nights and there was no way I was sleeping last night and it was hard with the conversation he was having which was disturbing none of a less.
"You are right there is a reason he used a long-ranged weapon he is not confident in his fighting abilities" I say
"I'm not the best fighter, I like the sneak attacks normally the people I help are missing a limb so I'm forced to send them to peace" he says. I just raise an eyebrow.
"Do a lot of people in two have missing limbs?" I say
"Oh no they normally do have both but I cut a limb off so I'm forced to help them, it's not bad missing a limb I'm missing my pinky, I miss my pinky I hope the nurses are looking after him" he says
I never thought I would hear that paragraph come from someone's mouth and it literally took me this long to realise he actually us missing his right pinky and I'm not going to ask why it's missing.
Fuck what the hell is in the water at district two they seem to be breeding crazy males, I swear half their victors are in a mental clinic or close to being put in one.
But he isn't out there crazy he is quite placid which is quite odd I mean he even held the door open for me last night.
"I'm sure they will, then you can be reunited with him," I say, he just smiles at me.
"I like you, I thought after losing Rory no one else would treat me like I'm a person," he says
Thank god I'm male or he would probably fall for me too I do sort of have to try and patronise him but at the same time this was my choice and am I regretting it?
Not yet, deep down I know the real reason I wanted him alive
And I hate myself for it
I wonder how Cedric is, I expected the cannon yesterday to be him, I love the kid but I didn't really expect him to last too long on his own, he gets in his own little world too much and doesn't even know his surroundings but he has silenced all his doubters even surprised me.
I really want to see him again but I know if we did then tough choices need to be made, that's why Harley is important I know he was saying last night that he quits torturing people and that it doesn't feel right without Rory, hopefully that means whoever he kills it will be quick, it will be painless.
"You are a person, people are quick to judge," I say
"You are worth dying for just don't blow it" he says
"When do you want your revenge," I say.
I don't really want to stay with him too long, I'm not worried about getting attached, because well he is a homicidal manic freak but I don't want him to get attached to me and want me dead.
"I'm not ready to see her yet, it's still raw, I still love her I can forgive her but I can't forget it, final four maybe, that can work for you can't it," he says
He actually handled Rory's death a lot better although admittedly I did have to sneak him anti-psychotics that both his and mine mentor sent me so that's probably why but I don't think it worked 100% because he tried to give his saw a drink of water last night and I had to keep a straight face so clearly it's not working to well but I don't want to imagine how he feels, but he was getting a little violent before I gave it to him so maybe it worked in that sense.
"Yeah as long she dies and you won't stab me in the back we will be good," I say
"It's hard to use a saw to stab someone on i back it's better for cutting bodies in half did you know you can live without your lower body," he says
That's a fact I really didn't want or need to hear.
"I guess the lower body doesn't have many vital organs," I say
"Yeah it's easy to stop the blood, you can either use a blow torch" he says his voice gets shaky when he looks says that as I just take the risk by gently putting my hand on his arm
Please Don't bite me
Please Don't bite me
But he just smiles "He will be proud that you keep fighting for him" I say moving my hand
"Thanks for not killing me, you probably should have" he says
"It's that a threat" I say smirking
"No no I mean I don't know I haven't been told to kill you" he says
Let's hope he doesn't otherwise, I would look like the world's biggest idiot maybe I already do.
Declan Callen 18, District 9 Male
My head is all over the place, my emotions all over the place, and I just want to smash things the next second I'm almost ripping my nails off then the next second I want to burst into tears, I knew I was on the brink I knew I was so close from loosing all sanity but now I think I have crumbled.
Aurelia was keeping me afloat she was my life vest but then I fucked it all up but if she really loved me she wouldn't have left me, no this her fault as much as mine and I need to find her because she belongs to me. I can protect her but I also need her, one second I hate and want to kill her the next I want to hug and protect her.
Xander keeps sending me notes to stop looking and that I need to focus on not completely destroying myself, that I need to stay sane or I will get myself killed but I'm already destroyed.
I'm already lost
I have killed two people and I have not felt one inch of remorse instead I enjoyed it, instead I want to kill more tributes, I want to kill every single one left in this arena. I want to torture them, I was never sadistic like this that's the thing that scares me.
One moment I'm terrified, the next I almost don't care, I don't know what to do I have just been running around trying to find my sister, or trying to find someone to kill, it's like adrenaline I haven't been able to stop, I can't stop.
I know I should let Aurelia go, just forget about her, I pretty much did when I was in the outlaws I thought she was dead I made peace with that, she is the reason I have lost it, why my emotions have lost it I was an almost a void before she came back before she came back into my life.
I didn't feel anything, I had no family, no real family, the outlaws became my family but being an outlaw meant switching my emotions off.
It meant becoming void, we had no room for emotions, no room for being human, you showed hesitation, you showed heart and you were out even as a leader I knew I couldn't show emotions.
I had to be stone-hearted.
I had to be a monster.
But seeing my sister again made the little boy I had to hide away want to come out.
For 4 years I was forced to live with parents who blamed and hated me, I became a boy who was showered with love to a boy who was constantly beaten and ridiculed by his own father, I was hated then when I lashed out I felt this power.
I felt good
Even since then, I was raised as an outlaw, where killing, and being a monster is in our blood, we have no morals yet we never were allowed to lose control, we were never allowed to lose our sanity and I have done that.
I thought I was always stable that I wouldn't or could feel emotions, that I wouldn't lose it but everyone saw it I was just oblivious I was arrogant, I just stop for a second.
I don't know what the hell I'm doing, I wanted to kill myself last night I was so close but then I felt this rage and I wanted to kill someone else, my mind is all over the place and I don't know what to do.
I'm scared I'm not afraid to admit that, I'm scared and angry
I need my sister, I don't care if it means having to tie her up again, I don't care if I have to fucking paralyse her, I need her but then what?
I kill her, that was always my plan I didn't think I could grow a bond with Aurelia, I don't know if I care or love her, right now all I feel is hate towards her for leaving me, for the second time she left me.
I know she was kidnapped the first but she could have escaped hearing around all the outsiders were young, are young I don't think they have a member over 21 especially when she was kidnapped.
She didn't have to become the outsider's bitch that's what exactly she was, maybe everything she told me, she wrote was a lie maybe she did that for sympathy, I really don't know all I know is I need to find out,
"Just help me find her you fucking dog" I yell just throw my hammer to the maze wall, nothing no tracker, no compass, Xander has been sending me notes to calm the fuck down.
Sending medication I throw it away, pictures of my childhood ripped them, a teddy bear ripped, that fuck teddy bears I don't need that shit, clearly he thinks that will help, while his mentor wanted this insanity for him, he doesn't want it for me I say fuck him.
I need to find my sister or someone to kill but I can't be stupid either, Mabel was a stupid little girl, Winston a bit more of a respectable opponent but still weak.
The only easy kill is that stupid loser from one, maybe he is the one who stole my sister from me and if he did he will suffer, and everyone else I have to be careful with.
Levin?
Overrated, but still trained
Harley is a stain on this earth but even I'm not ready to face his wrath
Fuck who is the other person alive?
Rory? Stellan? The other kid from 4 who my sister said kept trying to kill her who ever it is I couldn't care yes.
I just need blood, that's all I need I just calm myself grabbing my hammer.
There are six left as I believe to be honest the past few days have been a whirlwind of emotions and maybe I have gone on an anger spree and even I am not sure what I have done. I used to do that before my medication but I don't need medication, the medication I need is for my sister, what I will do to her I don't know yet.
Do I say sorry and try to rebuild our connection or is it too late, do I hurt her for hurting me, punish her for leaving me.
I need her that's all I know but Xander says I don't. Well, Xander can fuck himself he is the idiot that was mentoring his sister and didn't even know it.
If that fuck head wants to give me brotherly advice, he can go to hell if anything I'm a better brother at least I tried with Aurelia, she is the one that left me, she is the one that ruined our relationship.
Again
Not me I am the innocent one in all of this.
I don't know why I look like the bad guy, yes I killed a little girl but fucking Rory and Harley did that every day, why do they get a pass because they are fucked in the head so am I.
That should be my pass, I just drag my hammer on the ground I hate this maze I don't even know where to go, I can't find a town, I can't find anyone. I heard two sets of footprints yesterday but when I tried to chase them I just got even more lost considering I have been hearing screams in my head I might have been delusional.
I keep hearing her screams, Mabel's, like my self conscious is trying to punish me for what I did, trying to make me feel guilt maybe for one brief second then it felt number then I felt nothing instead of wanted more, and I got that by killing Winston, I felt pride
I felt power
And even if I were the leader of the outlaws, I never felt power I never wanted that life, I never wanted to be a bad guy, when I was a kid I always wanted to help people.
I wanted to be mayor so I could change the district, I used to give the poor money as a little boy, and I used to always be the friend the loners I wanted to be friends with, I was nice guy then things changed I lost my anchor, father started to hate me and I felt caged in and trapped I began to hate my self, Began to hate the world.
Began to hate life instead of waking up wanting to help people, I wanted to hurt them I hated people, I hated everything, being an outlaw brought back my social skills but it still meant being cold and heartless long gone was the happy and caring boy.
I never really thought about what I would do if I won, I wanted to win, and I still do but Aurelia clouded my mind even now one second I want her dead the next I want her to win.
She deserves it more than me, half the tributes alive do but the good kids never win, and I clearly have made myself a villain I didn't want to, I didn't plan to.
I guess love does these things, it made me crazy, and I pushed my own sister away because of it. I wish I turned back time but we were never going to fix our relationship not in these circumstances.
If I just knew the outsiders had her, we could have stolen her, I could have saved her, and the only way to save her now is to end her misery, she doesn't want to win, she might fight but she doesn't want to win, or I should let her slit my own throat half of panem will want that everyone would hate me by now I deserve the hate.
I'm the monster who killed a little girl, I'm the monster who held my own sister hostage I'm the monster who killed the loveable boy from ten and I don't regret a single one of my actions.
I just run until I bump into someone
"Fuck" he mumbles
Blonde, there are three fucking blondes but when I see a smirk on his lips I know who it is
"Oh hi district 9 Long time no see, I don't think you know me as well as your baby sister," Kylian says
I keep forgetting this guy so I just lunge at him, he clearly didn't expect me to bump into him in the first place but he expected my lunge like he was reading my action.
I just go at him again but he easily sidesteps me like he can predict every one of my moves.
"Fight me you dog" I yell I just lunge at him again running straight into the wall.
"If I wanted to fight you, you be dead, you're so predictable Declan what isn't predictable is where your sister is, I don't really want you," he says
He seems a little on edge, like he expects her to jump out, he doesn't know we split "Aren't you meant to be the evil mastermind shouldn't you know this stuff, shouldn't you know what is going on" I yell
"I did until they turned my tracker off clearly someone has overtaken my villain role so I have well retired," he says
I lunge at him again but he just ducks, fuck this kid is pissing me off, just fight me or diel
"It's probably freak saw face," I say
"Oh no I know who the villain is I ran into little old Mabel her heart was cut out that was saw freak but the other damage wasn't now what did that poor little darling do to you, to deserve such a brutal death" he says another lunge, another dodge why isn't he fighting me fuck.
Is this kid that arrogant or maybe he doesn't want to kill me so I do the smart thing and press my back on the wall
"She was a threat" I lie Kylian just laughs I really want to split his face open right now but I just stay calm
"We both know that's a lie hey I commend you, shows fire but you didn't answer my question where is baby sister" he says
"Don't know don't care" I lie
"Come on it's so obvious you lost her or she ran, so sad, you really are the brother from hell aren't you, if she was so willing to run knowing the danger she is in, sad she would rather get tortured than be with you for more then a few days," he says. I lunge again more in anger and since I had my hammer attached to my belt, he just grabs my arm flipping me over his shoulder.
Before I try to get up he is on me with a knife to my throat "Fucking hell Declan, I didn't want to use force on you I certainly didn't want to put a weapon on you but if you don't stop I'm going to have to, I just want to talk, so be a smart boy and let me do that okay" he says
"You just want information because you have been running around for days with no sight of a tribute and tributes dropping like flies" I yell
"Exactly, you dying isn't really good for me at this time, Harley is still alive without his buddy he is even more insane doesn't want to deal with that thing, and the ones are still together you boy are a crazy maniac now, like your mentor you can well do the damage for me" he says
"Fuck you, I can kill you," I say trying to push him off but he has me pinned securely under him.
"Can you, one little stab and boom you're dead I'm trying to come to a good agreement, I didn't expect to run into you but I'm glad I did I want an alliance," he says
"Fuck off I'm not allying with you, what happened to you Allie anyways," I say
"Oh I poisoned his energy drink then slowly cut his dead off" he says
"Fuck you are insane as well," I say
"I'm smart, not insane and allying doesn't mean holding hands and following each other, final two if we bump into each other before that we turn the opposite ways, it is that simple, I will let you go back on your little rampage," he says
I don't trust this moron but I mean he has a knife to my throat and he was annoying to fight and that means one tribute that I don't have to worry about.
"I will even give you a map you seem a little lost buddy boy, so what do you say" he says
"What the fuck do you want out of this," I yell
"For you to stop trying to attack me for one, and I don't know yet I will well determine that when we make final two but again because clearly you are alone" he says
"Fine okay, fine, just get the fuck off me," I say he just does what I say jumping off me as he throws me a piece of paper then in a flash he is gone.
Just like that, I should chase him but maybe this deal can help me that's one tribute sorted, only four left.
Three I want to slaughter
And then my sister
I still don't know what to do about her yet.
No Deaths