I lost track of the days after Will left. I didn't have much to mark them by, so why should I bother? My husband had left me, all anyone would want to visit me to talk about would be his absence and the war, which were already making me feel sick enough to even think about. Peggy brought food, I barely touched it, and went back to bed, that was the way things went for the first few days. The first day I had managed to hide several bottles of whiskey and brandy throughout my rooms so when Peggy didn't bring wine with the meals, I hardly cared. All I cared about was the dread in my stomach, that Will's ship had been attacked and he was gone. Not even Rigel could help with that, although he barely left my bed either.

But then Peggy pulled aside the bed curtains, a silver tray in her hands. "A wire ma'am, from Mr. Murdoch."

I almost knocked it out of her hands I lunged for it so quickly, tearing the envelope open. Arrived safe, watch for my letters. All my love, Will. That brought tears to my eyes again, and I latched my arms around Rigel. He did his best to worm his way around me, licking every bit of me he could reach. His brown eyes were solely focused on trying to make me smile, to make me laugh, and all I did was cry. It made me feel worse that I couldn't even make my dog happy, let alone having my husband gone. So I kept that message on my nightstand, turned back over, and did my best to not soak my pillow with tears.

I did not succeed.

More meals came, more whiskey was drunk, and Peggy kept coming up saying that people had come calling. Sophie had stopped by, I sent down my regrets. Ezekiel had made captain and wanted to celebrate, I sent down my congratulations and told him I would pay his bar tab. Even James sent up a hastily written card, I knew Will had recommended to Captain Fraser that he be promoted to a senior officer with Will's departure. I had Louise take down a note that I would see him soon, but I was not feeling well at the moment.

I wasn't sure how many days had passed, how many visitors I had refused before Peggy opened the door to my bedroom and held it. "She's been in here for more than a week, crying and drinking. The two of you have to do something, otherwise I'm considering packing her off to a sanitarium for a bit."

"I'm sure we can." Oscar's voice was quiet, "Liz and I have been very concerned. Did Mr. Murdoch arrive safely?"

"He did, we're expecting a flood of letters soon." Peggy chuckled, pulling aside my bed curtains. "It's a good thing you decided to wear a dressing gown this morning, because these two aren't leaving until you get out of bed and at least walk around the house."

I cringed away from the bright light currently streaming through the windows, courtesy of Liz who was tying the curtains back. "Peggy, just leave me alone."

"Anastasia, you look exhausted." Oscar came forward, smiling down at me. "And hungry, how about we go out for a nice lunch?" I looked away and he tried again. "Or we could set up a picnic up here, doesn't that sound nice?"

"Oscar, please." I shook my head, "I just want to be alone."

"But I need your help!" Liz bustled over, a cheery smile on her face. "I figured you owe me after I helped with your wedding, and I have absolutely nothing planned. I thought we could at least go over some colors?"

I turned away, pulling the blankets up. "Maybe another day."

"No, today." Liz marched up to the bed, a scrapbook in her hands. "I brought swatches and you're helping." She reached over, poking at my shoulder repeatedly. "I know you're upset, we're all upset for you, but you cannot lay about for the entire war, Anastasia. Let us distract you, it will help."

I glanced at the scrapbook, noting how thick it was. "How many swatches did you bring?"

"Several hundred of each color." Oscar joked, "She's gone off the deep end with all of this."

Liz screwed her mouth up. "I have not!"

"The house is full of flowers because you wanted to examine every scent before deciding on color." Oscar rolled his eyes, and I couldn't help but give a ghost of a smile at that. He gave me a wink, "I'll have to send some over here, Father threw a fit when he found his sitting room full of orchids."

"I needed to make sure that I could smell each scent individually." Liz shook her head at the foolishness of the men in her family, "It was only yesterday that everything finally came."

I sat up, holding the blanket a bit more loosely. "How could you even smell anything after the first room?"

"She had a bag of coffee she practically inhaled in between." Oscar held out his hand. "Now, come on, I think we can all sit here and help her decide on some colors." I stared at his hand, then hesitantly took it. Rigel jumped down from the bed as Oscar led me to the sitting room, wagging his tail as Liz pulled me to sit next to her on the settee and press the entire book of swatches into my hands. She quickly told me to dismiss the first three pages, filled with various shades of white silk. She'd already decided on her dress, a champagne chiffon that suited her complexion. I was to focus on the colors for the tablecloths and ribbons for the flower arrangements.

She was deadset on including some kind of pink, but couldn't decide between a light pink or a dark magenta. Of course in order to figure out which one would be better we had to discuss what flowers she was going to be using, and I didn't notice that Oscar had put a sandwich in my hand until it was almost gone and I almost bit my fingers when I brought it up to eat. I gave him a glare at that, "I have been eating, you know."

"Not enough." He shrugged, holding up a plate. "Here, cinnamon toast, your cook says you love it."

I eyes the sugary strips, "I do, but I really shouldn't."

"Eat the plate or I'll have Liz tell you all about her opinion on freesias." He chuckled as I reached for the plate, because I knew Liz had problems with those flowers and would take any chance she could to expound on how unfair it was that such beautiful flowers would make her sneeze so badly. I had to admit that I felt a bit better when they left after a light dinner had been sent up. Oscar had promised to send over flowers every day until his house was fully cleared out, and that he would be by again in a few days to ensure that I was actually getting out of bed.

But later, along in the dark aside from Rigel beside me, I couldn't help but cry again.

Will knew he wasn't the only reservist on the Lusitania, but he was the only one in first class and attracted a fair bit of attention when he arrived onboard in his uniform. Some of his fellow passengers saluted him as he walked past, and he found himself hoping that none of the female passengers offered him kisses for luck. That was the last thing that he wanted. The stewards bowed and scraped even more than usual as they showed him to his cabin, as luxurious as he had expected. Even if she wasn't with him Ana would take care of him as best she could.

He sat at the desk in the sitting room, because of course Ana had booked him a suite, staring at the paper that had been left out for his use. Should he write her now? He could have it sent off before the ship left, but he had heard her cries through the door as he had left. His heart had wrung itself to pieces in his chest as he had climbed down the stairs, and he took a shaky breath. He had held himself together in the cab, but just barely. He had to do this, he had to. As much as it pained both of them, it needed to be done. It wasn't just his wife who was hurting, he could feel the ache in his heart and leaving her, and leaving her in that manner. Ana could put on a brave face and try and send him off with a smile, but she could only keep it up for so long. It had been pure torture when he would come across her when she didn't know he was there, seeing the way she would sniffle and then pull herself together, only to whimper again.

He was thankful that he wasn't assigned any dining partners that night, for it meant he wouldn't have any for the rest of the crossing and the last thing he wanted to do was hear people talk about the war. It was bad enough that he could hear them talking at their own tables, and he knew quite a few eyes were on him. While he picked at his salmon, he pondered where the other reservists were. He thought second class would be the most appropriate, and he briefly mulled over seeing if he could have them invited to dine with him one night. It would be good to meet them, they might even serve together and starting things off on the right foot would be useful.

But when he spoke of it to a steward who came to clear his plate, he was turned down.

It left him feeling even more off keel when he got back to the cabin and undressed. The other reservists would be restricted to their own area in second class by the crew, and he wanted to avoid the other first class passengers like the plague. Which left him with few places to go, even the smoking room would be filled with the others of his class clamoring to tell him all their opinions on the war. Will supposed he would have to content himself with his cabin, although he was hardly content.

He missed Ana.

He missed the shush of the book she would have had in her hands as they relaxed in the sitting room before retiring to bed together. He had missed her gossip at dinner, the way she would reach out and gently touch his hand before smiling at him across the table. Most of all, when he laid down in bed and closed his eyes, he missed her by his side. At least during a crossing where he was working he could console himself with the knowledge that she would be back by him soon. But now, now he had no idea when he would see her again. Years most likely, and she would be so different. She might grow bitter towards him, hateful that he left her for the war.

But then he shook his head at that. Ana loved him, she would still love him when he got back, glad to simply hold him again. She was not a hateful woman, and would not become one while he was gone. But that made it hurt all the worst, that he had caused such a sweet and kind woman such pain. He rubbed his wet eyes against the pillowcase, drawing a shaky breath that came out as a sob.

He knew that he would be able to deal with missing her, that it wouldn't hurt so much after some time, but it was still raw at the moment. With hardly anything to do, he found himself spending the early mornings walking the boat deck, eating quickly, and then spending the rest of his time in his cabin, reading one of the naval books Ana had sent him off with. Fortunately he was familiar with some of the ideas, having been trained before by the Reserves but there were still things that he was surprised by. He started his first letter to Ana on the third day, writing about all the ideas that were in the book and what he thought of them. But he paused, took a breath, and placed his pen down again.

I miss you my darling wife, although I know that we shall see each other again. I hope you aren't too angry at me still, but I can understand if you are. Please write to me about what you've been doing, I could use some distraction.

Your Jolly Sailor Bold,
-William

When they docked in Liverpool, Will found himself racing for a train with a porter huffing behind him as he pushed his cart of trunks. He barely managed to shove a few bills into the man's hand before the door closed, and he found himself tipping the cab driver in Southampton handsomely after he helped him bring his trunks inside. Fortunately he had called ahead and Kate had left some food, and he ate without really tasting it.

The house seemed dark and lonely, and sent a shiver up his spine as he climbed the stairs. The lamp in his room was a welcome relief, and he smiled to see the pictures on his dresser. His wedding portrait with Ana, clinging to his arm and looking up at him with a love and adoration so pure that he couldn't help but sigh. There were other pictures of them together, their pictures from Scotland with his parents, the snapshot he had taken of her in her nightgown at Lake Huron, and he knew that tucked in a piece of cardboard were pictures of Ana wearing very little in the drawer beneath them. Whenever he was assigned a ship he'd bring those with him, for he knew that sometimes in the dark of the night he would need to lose himself in memories of being with Ana to keep himself sane.

And then there was Ada.

Will brushed his fingers over the glass of her picture, sniffing. "Look out for me, will you?" He opened the drawer underneath, reaching for the far back of it. He hadn't reached down there in years, and even know his hand shook a bit as he pulled out the folded handkerchief. He opened it gently, considering the plain gold band that had been in there for five years. He'd worn it for a while after Ada had passed, but he'd eventually put it away. It was rather painful to see it and know that its mate was far away in New Zealand, better to put it in the drawer and leave it there.

But now, he needed it.

He slid it onto the ring finger on his right hand, flexing his fingers after. Will looked from one ring to the other, feeling his heart swell a bit. "Well, now I have both my ladies with me." He felt rather foolish speaking to himself, but it made him feel a bit better "And if anyone accuses me of being a Jonah, then all I have to do is show them how I have two beautiful ladies who love me. I'm the luckiest man that could be."

He didn't voice his other thought though, that if he died, he wanted something of each of them with him when he went. He pressed a kiss to each one before closing his eyes, sending up a quick prayer that Ana would feel better soon. He just knew she was still upset, and he desperately wanted her to at least return to an even keel even if she was still a bit sad.

Will woke up to a rush of cold air across his face, at least he thought he woke. But then he saw Ada, her face furious as she tried to slap him again. "You stupid, stupid man!"

Her hand passed through his cheek again, and he shivered. "Ada, love, you can stop."

"Why would you come back?" She almost yelled, choosing to pace the room instead of continuing her ineffectual slaps. "Why come back for a war? You could have been safe!"

He sat up, "You would have had me stay like a coward when everyone else is going to fight?"

"I would have you alive!" Ada looked like she would spit on him if she could. "I don't want you joining me, Will. Not yet, I want you to be surrounded by your grandchildren before you do!" Will almost spoke but Ada rushed on. "You're breaking her heart, and you know it! All for what, Will? To fight some Germans over nothing that affected you?"

"Lights is going too." Will almost growled, "A lot of people I know, and you know, are going."

"But none of them could have stayed far away." Ada sighed, coming to sit on the bed by him. Will couldn't look at her, not without feeling the loss of her all over again. He twisted her ring on his finger, looking at his feet. She spoke quietly now, "I have this feeling that if you had stayed, I would have some step children on the way."

"Step children?" Will chuckled, "I didn't realize that's what they would be."

"If you think I won't be watching over them, you're a bigger fool that I thought." Ada laughed, "But Will, I won't have that chance if you don't go back."

He wished he could reach over and take her hand, "Ada, I have to do this. And you can't know that children would come if I stayed."

"Oh, shut up William. I swear, if you don't apologize to that girl the instant you see her again I'll haunt you for the rest of your days!" She stood, her form wavering slightly. "I need to go."

Will stood, watching as she faded. "Why? Stay Ada, just for a little longer."

"If I stay any longer I'm going to get so angry I'll break the windows." Ada's face was still together enough for him to see that smirk he loved. "You're a pigheaded fool William, but I love you. And so does she, and if you don't get back to her you're going to regret it."

In the morning Will was back in his bed, unsure if Ada's visit had been real or a dream. But regardless, it had left him rather disturbed. He had wanted to stay with Ana, but he had to go. That was all it was, a duty that needed to be fulfilled. He repeated that to himself over and over as he ate, dressed in his uniform and collected his records to bring to the reserve office. Kate had made an appointment for him, but the office was still jammed with men and he was lucky to get inside the door.

He wound up having to jostle past a good number of able seamen before reaching a desk, giving a nod to the secretary. "Lieutenant Commander Murdoch, ten o'clock."

The girl glanced down to the papers in front of her, "Through here, third door on the left." She opened the short wooden gate holding back the tide of sailors, and ushered him through. "It's Lieutenant Russell for you, sir."

Will raised a hand in thanks as he passed her, quickly finding the room. He gave a hesitant knock, but a loud voice answered. "Either knock harder or come in!" When Will slowly opened the door, he caught sight of a Royal Navy officer behind a large desk strewn with paperwork. He cocked a brown eyebrow at him, "Lieutenant Commander Murdoch?"

Will snapped his best salute, "Yes, sir."

"Leave off with that and come in." Russell gestured to the chair across from his desk, a cigarette between his fingers. "I've got enough on my plate to dispense with formality." Will sat straight, his records across his knees. Russell glanced to them, extending his hand. "May I?"

Will nodded, handing them over. "Everything is in order sir, as was requested."

"Your records on our end speak highly of you." He flipped through the papers. "And it appears you've had quite enough experience. Steamships?"

"Mostly sir, although I have worked some clippers, not for some years though."

"Looks like larger ones too. Quite a few liners on here."

"Yes, but I've also handled smaller ships."

"And this," Russell paused, his lips pursing as he traced one line on the paper. "Titanic?

Will felt his heart drop. "Yes, sir. I was first officer onboard her."

"I think I remember something from the papers, weren't you on watch when she struck?"

"Yes, I tried to avoid it." Will took in a sharp breath through his nose. "Unfortunately I was unsuccessful."

"You made it off?"

"Barely, sir."

Russell tapped his cigarette against an ashtray. "Nasty business, all of that. And this ship after, the Anastasia? Russian?"

"No sir, American. A cargo ship, fairly large, we carry passengers as well."

"They hired you on right after Titanic?"

Will flushed, "Well, sir, I-"

"Out with it."

"I married the owner, my wife runs a shipping company." Will reached down and brushed his thumb over Ana's ring. "She was on the Titanic too, lost her father in the sinking."

Russell leaned back, "Well this throws a wrench into things." He blew a cloud of smoke up towards the ceiling, and Will found himself wishing that there was a window that could get opened. He had been fairly good about abstaining from his pipe, aside from the night he had wandered the docks while making his decision to come and fight, and he hadn't been in a room suffused with smoke for some time. Russell hardly seemed to notice, "By your training and experience you'd do best as an officer on a cruiser or a battleship."

Will perked up at that, "I have crewed cruisers during my training."

"I'm aware." Russell rolled his eyes. "However, I can't imagine that they'd be too happy to find out about your previous service."

"I can assure you that my previous captain has found nothing lacking my service." Will straightened up, desperately hoping that the man wouldn't sentence him off to some minelayer or fishing boat for the war. "That ship was the only incident of that kind that I've had, and I have done everything to prove myself."

Russell held up a hand, stalling him. "I'm not sending you off to a desk job, if that's what you're worried about. But, this is a delicate matter. I'll have to send this further up the line, hopefully they know of a good posting for you."

"I would appreciate that, sir." Will hadn't had any hopes of command, but he hadn't thought this would be such an issue.

"Not to mention the last thing we need is someone saying your wife bought you a position." Russell pinched the bridge of his nose. "It's bad enough Beatty's wife throws her purse around and he's an admiral. I can't imagine what you'd face as a simple Lieutenant Commander. Can't have you drumming up any bad press for us, God knows we'll have a hard enough time with that as it is." He tapped his fingers on the desk, "Meanwhile, it's been some time since your last training. We've got an old cruiser over in Portsmouth, I'll send you there to brush up on your gunnery and naval methods until we've figured out where to put you."

Will watched as the man wrote out a slip, taking it and his records back from him. "Thank you sir, I hope that I haven't caused you too much of a problem."

"No more than anyone else." Russell waved him towards the door, "I've had men coming in from all over the Empire, considering that I can actually understand your English you're a blessing." Will could still hear him complaining as he made his way back down the hallway. "Honestly, those Newfoundlanders need to have some proper teachers shipped over."