Rejection. That's what Asuka felt, similar to her own towards Shinji. Although he couldn't tell whether that was a real time event, or a hallucination. Asuka was furious that someone, much less her crush, would use her like a doll, the thing she hated given her past. On the other hand, Shinji was anguished that even at the end of his rope, someone, much less his crush, would still look down upon him in pride after living a life of abandonment. Both were victims of a psychological stalemate.
"Take care of yourself, little brother…" He said as he stood there and continued to watch Shinji walk up the path barely tread in the direction of the Lillith. Danya suspected that Shinji walked away in fear that he was only ever capable of hurting others like Asuka. The true dilemma was that regardless of either choice, he and Asuka would still feel hurt from the trauma they've endured.
As much as it pained Danya's ego, he had to remind himself that any drastic attempt to pull him back would only push Shinji further away. He sighed. "I think we should rest." He said, as the sun had already begun to set over the horizon.
She snapped out of her slight daze, nodding at Danya before standing up and walking to the exit of the bus. She needed to go shower, anyway. Maybe she could get her mind off of things. Probably not. She couldn't stop thinking about Shinji... about everything. I mean, it's hard not to when the entire world around you is a stark reminder of the Third Impact.
". . . I need to go shower. I'll be back soon."
She squatted down, opening a shelf and grabbing an old towel before walking out of the bus and in the direction of the abandoned baseball area to take a shower. She slowly walked inside, pushing large shelves against the doors so nobody could intrude on her.
Danya could relate to her. The showers was the only place he knew of recently where he could find isolation from the world outside with little disturbance. It's often where he'd reflect on his purpose in this life, and why these things had to happen. The noise from the running water was one of the few things that would drown out the thoughts in his head.
As of now, Danya thought about his current dilemma. Was it truly better to face your problems than run away from them? Because that's what seemingly everyone criticized and shamed Shinji for; running away from his problems, in spite of the fact his problem was literally of no personal benefit to him. What good was facing an unsolvable problem you couldn't run away from? Shinji and the pilots were basically forced into a lose-lose scenario. Either option would've costed them greatly.
Face your problems in courage, or run away in cowardice. But it wasn't courage, it was desperation. And it wasn't cowardice, it was self preservation.
Was there a third option?
The redhead slowly undressed, making sure nobody was in the room. She eventually just slowly turns on the water- the hottest it could get was lukewarm, but that was good enough for her.
She simply stood there, staring up at the ceiling; remembering everything that had happened... the third impact, her fight against the MP Evangelions, her time with Shinji. She missed spending time with her- when there wasn't so much strain between the two. And Rei... despite her own actions being slightly justified, she felt horrible for what she'd done to her.
If only she could make amends. Asides from that; what was for her here now? The world was in ruins, and the only person she truly knew was Danya. Rei was dead and she'd probably never see Shinji ever again. She wanted to talk to Shinji.
Slowly, she just cleaned her hair, her body, her face- all thoroughly. She eventually just stands in the shower, watching the water swirl around the drain before falling into the seemingly infinite darkness below. Asuka sighed.
The line between villain by choice, and victim by circumstance was usually thin. In such a scenario as the Third Impact, the line was blurred extensively, possibly too messy for anyone to determine who belonged to which. Perhaps it was for the better, because the last thing this broken world needed, especially those indirectly responsible, was blame of which would prolong suffering.
Danya could never blame Shinji for the Third Impact. If he saw a giant naked godly Lilith in the shape of Rei towering over his already flying unit while being crucified by abominations after suffering everything else, he'd think he would be going insane too. By the time Shinji realized what he was capable of, his insanity had already reached it's breaking point.
Danya was worried for his well being. Even if something like this was destined to happen, Shinji didn't deserve to have him be the catalyst. Asuka didn't deserve what she got either. It was too much. He hoped there was a way. Maybe there was. There was an old quote from an author that his mother used to read when he was still a child.
As the sun began to disappear over the horizon, he thought...was protecting others really worth the cost of what little well being he had left? His savior complex had a hold firm on him. He sat up and read from his bible.
Slowly, she snapped out of her daze and turned to face the knobs in control of the water. She quickly turned them both all the way left- stopping the water. She grabbed her towel off the ground, quickly drying herself off before slipping into her plugsuit. She clicked the button on her wrist to make it skin-tight, but... it didn't work. She clicked it again, and it suddenly shrank around her body. Skin tight. Sighing from slight relief, she realized that she had showered with... well, her bandages on. They were basically now ruined, along with her medical eyepatch...
"Teufel noch mal..."
She muttered, slowly looking around the place and holding her eye. Despite her being completely blind in it, it still hurts pretty badly when exposed to light. Finding a thin but opaque black eyepatch, she inspected it for a moment before sliding it on. It felt perfectly fitting... for some reason.
She moved the large shelves out of the way, walking out of the bathrooms and looking at the sky. It was nearly fully dark now... how long had she showered for? Sighing, she slowly made her way to the bus. Quickly walking in and opening the door, she laid down on her beat up bed and inspected her now unbandaged arm, running her finger along one massive scar that went from the web in-between her middle and index finger to her elbow. It was slightly discolored and almost a perfectly straight line.
—
EVANGELION: WESTSIDE STORY
Episode 4:
"How to Save a Life."
—
The next morning, Danya awoke to the sound of a mourning dove that sat perched above a windowsill of the bus. That voice always brought him comfort. He smiled as he looked through his rations. As it turned out, they had run out of oatmeal and now was left with granola. He liked it.
"Hey buddy." He said to the dove. He named it, Ilannaq, which was an Inuit name for "friend". As soon as he said that however, it flew away. He sighed. Friendship was hard to gain, but easy to lose. Shinji and Asuka. Theirs was truly a hedgehog's dilemma.
The hardest part about his savior complex was accepting that he couldn't force people to change, as much as he wanted Shinji and Asuka to change for the better. He had to remind himself it wasn't his job to save everyone he possibly could. That job belonged to God...if there was one. His faith, now more than ever, was tested.
"Morning Asuka. The world survives into another day."
Slowly opening her eyes, she rose. Looks like the world did survive... to her slight dismay. Slowly nodding, she just got up, and shuffled over to the back of the bus. Grabbing a near empty tub of toothpaste and a beat up toothbrush, she quickly brushed her teeth before just spitting the residue out of a window. She didn't bother today. This morning, she felt particularly... lost.
Slowly walking out of the bus, she leaned against it. What would her purpose be now? She... didn't want to just survive. Going through the motions in an abandoned world, until, eventually, she died. Of course, her piloting her Evangelion was for personal reasons, but... it gave her purpose. And what about the world...? She looks down. She wanted to make things right. To talk to Kaji, Misato, Shinji, and Rei again... but that was impossible. She muttered what Misato said to Shinji- she'd seen it during Instrumentality.
"...find out why you came here... why you exist. answer your own questions."
She muttered... that advice resonated with her. Maybe her purpose could be more than just living; if only she could find a way. Maybe she could fix this mess and pick up the pieces... there had to be a way. Talk about random surges of motivation... she slowly made her way back inside, leaning against the wall of the bus and speaking to Danya.
". . . Danya- do you think there could be any way to fix all of this?"
Danya knew the feeling of being lost. He had been feeling it since the day he resurfaced from instrumentality. It was by luck, or by fate that he found a Land Cruiser, of which he decided to leave Anchorage behind, and follow wherever the road took him, in the hopes of starting a new life away from his past. Ironic how he'd soon come to face it.
Personally, piloting an Evangelion unit, near-fatal and excruciating as it was, gave him a sense of purpose, that he would become the soldier he dreamed of much like his parents. That, and a sense of responsibility that he had lost along with Nikolai.
"If there is a way to fix all this, it's likely buried with SEELE." He said, wherever their hidden hq was, if it was anywhere to be found. If anyone knew how to undo the damage, it would be them. Even then, it was still a gamble.
"My father once told me, where words fail, actions will speak." He said. "I think we are all here for a reason."
...SEELE... the people who caused all of this. Maybe there was a way to fix this there... but where could it be? Maybe it could be at the GeoFront, where NERV was. Trying to collect if she remembered anything about SEELE during Instrumentality, she stared out the window... at Rei.
"...Maybe SEELE's headquarters are somewhere in the GeoFront."
She noted, looking outside again. The GeoFront was directly under Tokyo-3, and considering that it'd had a hole blown straight into it, access probably wouldn't be that hard if they could find a way down... and maybe, she could look through NERV's files. She wanted to know about Rei- maybe how she could be brought back. She would focus more on everyone in Instrumentality, but... it was their own choice to return.
Indeed, such people were known to conspire such. But for SEELE to be located at NERV, that didn't make sense, as they were the ones who launched an all out assault upon the GeoFront.
"Whatever the case...I think it's best we focus on how we can fix ourselves..."
He figured that if humanity was going to repair the world which lay in shambles, then it would be necessary if they started fixing their own mistakes. According to the Orthodox Christian faith, it was imperative that one focus on obtaining their own salvation before helping others. This was a conflict with his savior complex.
"Would you humor me? If you knew how you were going to die, how would you live your life differently?"
Maybe he was right... but she could come later. She looked out the window. At Rei, again... she didn't deserve what had happened. Maybe things would've turned out different if Asuka wasn't such a prick to Shinji, or Rei... or herself. Looking at Danya as he asked his question, she looked at him.
"... Right now, or... before all of this?"
She said. She was... wanting to go back to NERV... She didn't want this ending. Her and Shinji's relationship was over to her knowledge, and she had nobody else but Danya... who she didn't necessarily have TOO much of a close bond over. If he meant that she'd know Instrumentality was going to happen, she'd probably try and get Shinji and Rei to stop piloting after the Final Angel, Kaworu, was killed. If she had knowledge of what would happen... maybe she would've been less of a bitch.
Maybe he was right... but she could come later. She looked out the window. At Rei, again... she didn't deserve what had happened. Maybe things would've turned out different if Asuka wasn't such a prick to Shinji, or Rei... or herself. Looking at Danya as he asked his question, she looked at him. "... Right now, or... before all of this?" She said, She was... wanting to go back to NERV... She didn't want this ending. Her and Shinji's relationship was over to her knowledge, and she had nobody else but Danya... who she didn't necessarily have TOO much of a close bond over. If he meant that she'd know Instrumentality was going to happen, she'd probably try and get Shinji and Rei to stop piloting after the Final Angel, Kaworu, was killed. If she had knowledge of what would happen... maybe she would've been less of a bitch.
He turned his gaze to the giant Rei head as well. He sighed, wondering where Shinji had gone. And if he stayed true to his course.
"Right now. Can't go back. No point in trying to."
He replied. Even though her relationship with Shinji was over, Danya, being the hopeless romantic he was, retained a slight ounce of optimism. Perhaps it was best their relationship ended, as it was partially doomed from the beginning; dysfunctional. But since the Third Impact, he couldn't help but feel that there was still the capacity for change within them.
"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself." Danya, said, a quote from the esteemed Leo Tolstoy.
He then got up, with his backpack, about to go for a stroll to get some more resources, when a photograph fell out of the side pocket and to Asuka's lap.
It was the picture of a girl, who looked similar to Asuka, except a more rounded face, slimmer hair, smoother, with clear prescription glasses.
". . . I don't know. Maybe I'd get things sorted out more quickly."
She stated. If she knew she was going to die... what would she do? Slowly leaning back, she sat against the wall. She listens to Danya's quote. Everyone thinks of changing the world, but nobody thinks of changing himself. If she were honest... she wasn't doing this for others' sake. She was doing it for herself. She wanted to be happy again. She didn't want to have it all just come crumbling down like it did this time around.
Asuka looks at the photo as it slipped out of Danya's backpack. That girl... she looked similar to how she looked. Maybe that was someone close to Danya? A sibling, a close friend, or possibly a partner? She picked up the picture, handing it back to Danya.
"You dropped something." She said coldly.
Get things sorted out more quickly? Sometimes he wished he could've done the same. But still, it was too late to go back and fix what was already broken. They could only ever move forward. But maybe it was for the best.
He noticed he dropped the photograph of the girl and chuckled a bit. The image brought him comfort, but it also brought him pain. He sat down once more, "Her name is Adeline. She's a fellow pilot…and my girlfriend." He said to Asuka.
So he had someone close to him... she could only wonder how she'd turned out. Was she still trapped in Instrumentality like everyone else Asuka knew, or had become distant, like Shinji. She could help but think about SEELE- a slight possibility to reverse all this. She was latching on to any sort of hope she could find. Especially in a situation like this.
"How's she doing?"
She already knew- or at least had an idea of the answer, but just wanted confirmation. She stared up at the ceiling of the bus. She felt lost... what would she do now, after everything was said and done? It's not like she could just... MAKE friends after everything that has happened.
In a manner of speaking, Asuka had made a friend; Danya. Awkward as it first started out, it was still a somewhat successful connection established. Danya just hoped this time it wouldn't crash and burn.
Upon hearing those words…he paused and swallowed. Adeline…
"Killed by ALCOM Soldiers sent by SEELE…" He said as he hunched over and clenched his fist.
He could still remember the events clearly.
"In a way, she was a lot like you, Asuka. Her father was a manipulative and gluttonous alcoholic who abused and separated her mother from her."
"She came to NERV-U from Italy after the Amalfi Coast got torn up by an Angel named Azrael. I made a promise that I would look after her like I did Nikolai. We bonded very close."
"One day we hacked into the JEHOVAH computer and discovered the truth of the H.I.P. That's also when SEELE ordered ALCOM to kill us all. She got shot just as we escaped into the hanger bay. I still remember her last words; 'I'll never leave you even when I die.'"
His eyes watered and tears began to trickle down his cheek from the grief he felt. He loved her, and SEELE took her from him.
Just like Asuka did, Danya had suffered at the hands of SEELE's. She'd been mentally defiled by an Angel- probably intentional on those fuckers' parts, then had her ego shattered and lost everything she'd worked so long for. . . the only silver lining was that she'd come to accept herself and get over her egotistical ways; but even then, she probably would've been able to if she didn't go down the path of being an Evangelion pilot. Remembering everything, she hunched over, eyes slightly watery- but no tears fell from her eyes. There is a point where you are beyond tears. Asuka looked at her hand. She hated this. She wanted to go back. She didn't want this ending. Everything could've gone so, so differently if she'd only known- or had only destroyed the Eva Series' core.
As for her family, she... did slightly hate her father. He had been having an affair with his own wife while she was going insane. She'd forgiven her mother now. She was the one watching over her, after all... at least now, if there was a better place, she was there. She smiled, lightly. It quickly returns to a neutral expression, memories of piloting the Eva and the experiences with her mother, and Shinji barraging her mind. She clutches her head slightly, tears lightly welling up in her eyes. They didn't fall, though. Like stated before... there was a point where you were beyond tears.
". . . I guess so."
The only silver lining Danya found for himself after he lost Adeline was the promise he made to his mother, that he'd keep living for his own sake, no matter the circumstance.
He couldn't help but notice how Asuka went from a state where she was beyond tears, and reverted back to a point where they started to well up in her eyes. It pained him. Asuka not only reminded him of his bullies at the orphanage, but also reminded him of Adeline simultaneously. He wanted to let her know it was okay to cry. He reached up and placed his hand upon her own.
"I lost Adeline. The last thing I want for you or Shinji, is to lose each other." He said to her. Even if her previous relationship with Shinji had ground to a halt, he couldn't help but feel there was always a second chance, a beginning after the end.
Perhaps not everything had to end here. He remembered what his mother told him. Everything would be alright in the end. If it is not alright, it is not the end.
Asuka's hand shifts when touched by Danya's. She listens to his words... she agrees. Shinji was the only one who truly understood her, and she was the only one who understood him... there maybe was a chance for the two to make things up, but she'd probably have to take the initiative and find Shinji herself. After all, the fate of destruction brings the joy of rebirth. She still was in emotional turmoil from everything, but she had become slightly determined to fix things with Shinji. Even if she'd lost everything in the end, she had her friendship with Danya- and, maybe... someone who truly understood her, Shinji.
"...I don't want to lose Shinji, either. He... he's the only person left who really understands."
In that moment, Danya swore he could see Adeline in Asuka's eyes, the eyes of a woman once filled with hope. He nodded in agreement with her statement. Perhaps he couldn't reach him, but if someone could, perhaps it was her.
The only thing they knew for sure was the fact that Shinji stayed true to his word thus far, and followed the Lillith's head up the mountainside, which ran parallel to the coastline.
"You won't. It's not over yet." He said to her. Now all that Asuka had to do was gather the courage to venture forth in search of him. Perhaps a sole journey across the land would provide Asuka with enough clarity for her to gather herself, only this time, she wouldn't be walking away. Danya himself always found himself at relative peace within the wilderness, as there was little else to distract him from his own thoughts.
Maybe she should talk to Shinji...? Yeah, that could fix things. They just really needed to communicate. She easily had enough courage to go up there- she was strong enough to fend off anybody in her way easily. She just needed to come up with the right words to tell him. She quickly got up and just grabbed a water bottle from the cabinet, opening it and taking a sip. She looks over at Danya.
"...Maybe I should talk to him, or write him a letter..."
Now being at least slightly motivated to patch things up with Shinji, she sat down and took another sip of the water, thinking of what she could possibly say to him... she lightly tapped her foot on the ground, looking up at the ceiling. She still remembered the events of the Third Impact- they still hurt, but... it wasn't entirely crippling emotionally now. Still distracting and painful, though. She was slowly coming to terms with things...
He nodded as he took a sip of her water too. The California air made him thirsty while he slept. Come to think of it, had they had breakfast yet? Yes, they have. He paused, wondering what Asuka could do. Of course, his savior complex would try and take the wheel, in trying to determine what it thought out of a sense of wounded pride and experience what would be the best course of action for them. But he had to remind himself he didn't know. He could only guess.
He figured in such a mental capacity, the most Asuka could do was maybe give Shinji a long hug. They both yearned for the touch of human affection. But then there was the Hedgehog's dilemma. Supposedly the closer two come together, the more they hurt one another. True, intimacy could at times be painful. But now? Now what has become of the Hedgehog's dilemma? Perhaps the dilemma was only an illusion.
"The best part about writing a letter, at least...from my experience, is that you can take all the time you need before choosing what to say."
"...mhm. I'm... trying to think of what I'm gonna write now."
She said. Another sip of water. She slowly began formulating at least a draft of the letter in her head. She'd probably need to apologize to Shinji and promise that she'd be with him through... all of this. There wasn't any point in really dwelling in the past now- she could tell Shinji wasn't proud of anything he'd done. He was desperate and starved for love and affection, like she was. They weren't really different at all- they just handled it all in different ways. Neither of them were healthy.
She eventually grabbed a pen and some random notebook paper lying around, and began writing down a quick rough draft of her letter. Her handwriting was a bit sloppy since she hadn't really done any writing for... quite a while, now.
As Danya watched her write down the letter, he couldn't help but smile. Neither of them were healthy, heck, after the Third Impact, Danya wondered if anyone was still remotely sane. The only one he knew who could remain unfazed was his own Captain: H.C. Battlehorne.
After such a traumatic experience, any recuperation was a sign of progress. He nodded in a gesture of approval and encouragement, in the hopes Asuka would notice.
After she finished completing the note, Danya gathered a few gatherings of rations for her to take on her trek to find Shinji. All that was left for her to do, was now take the initiative and set forth.
"Good luck Asuka. I'll come find you soon." He said to her.
Asuka puts the rations in a raggedy bag, finishing off her letter. As for the nod, Asuka did see it but didn't really respond. She slowly got up, sliding the water bottle into one of the side pockets of her bag.
"Thanks. I'll try and get back soon."
She said, opening the door to Lilith's head and beginning to walk off. She looked ahead. Despite the stark reminder of what had happened during Third Impact lying ahead, she managed to push those thoughts away. She just needed to focus on Shinji and patch things up, but it was getting harder by the minute with everything that had happened. Her scarred arm trembles a bit, feeling like pins and needles.
As Danya saw Asuka heading into the direction of Lilith's head, he knelt down in the bus and said a prayer for her from the Bible. All he could do now was pray, and retain his faith before all adversity. Later, he went to collect more scrap from the junkyard.