Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach nor do I own the song "The Worst is yet to Come." They belong to Tite Kubo and Motion City Soundtrack respectively.

I drop my hand and let the hell butterfly go. This is just like her. It's a late summer afternoon, and I can see the shadows draping themselves outside of my office. They stretch long across the stone garden, as languid in the heat as everyone else. The second division barracks are empty. Omaeda is out somewhere with his sister, doting on her with his day off no doubt, and I've given the rest of the division and the punishment force a holiday as well.

"Something is wrong," they must be saying. "Captain Fon has lost her mind! Is she okay?"

Even I need my space. Even if it's just to finish my paperwork, sometimes I need the quiet clatter of their reiatsu to disappear, so that I can melt and forget who I am.

But of course, she won't let me.

I stand up from my desk, setting my pen down and rolling out my shoulders. It's just like her to call on me now, after I've already settled into a rhythm. A few hours after the sun's peak and she's finally starting her day, taking her sweet time to unwind in the sun's slow descent. It's always on her schedule.

I cross the barrack halls, and my reiatsu trails behind me. I feel sloppy, loose, but somehow, I don't mind that right now. Against her, I've always had to be perfect, always had to restrain myself to even come within eyesight of her legacy here, but with everyone away, I simply let my spiritual pressure flow like my robes. My haori flutters with my yellow sash, and I think I might be beautiful stalking the halls like a ghost.

I want to have that before I see her.

"Yo, Soi Fon." Yoruichi appears before me, more golden than the afternoon sun. You wave, grinning, teething flashing, hair swaying in that dangerous way that makes me love you. This should be my domain, my home, and yet here you are, waltzing through the gates and halls without a care in the world. I hate how easily you sneak in without me noticing, how easily you slip into my life and make me want to reach out and hold you. I'm like a moth to flame.

There is no safer place than in between cold embraces

"Soi?" I realize I haven't returned your greeting. Good.

Say it again

"Lady Yoruichi." I bow my head. "What brings you to the second division today? Unfortunately, I've given all my men a day off, so I can't send anyone out on any missions you may have."

For a second, I think I see something like worry wipe across your face. It moves in slices, a microscopic wave of confusion rippling through your eyes and mouth, the tiny pursing of your lips. But maybe, it's just my eyes tracing fantasies on that carefree mask you wear. Maybe it's just a loose strand of hair waving around in an unfelt breeze, or a bird's shadow from above the courtyard. I've long since given up the hope that I could inspire anything in you, much less fear, especially when I address you the same way I always have.

I like how you work my name

"I don't have to file any forms to get your help, do I?" You chuckle.

"I'm a captain now, Lady Yoruichi. I have responsibilities and duties that mean I can no longer serve you as freely as your lieutenant in the stealth force."

"Oh."

Embroidering the pain on every speck of skin

"Even if it's just to hang out?" Your arm wraps around my shoulders pulling me into an affectionate headlock. It's a comfortable embrace, and it burns. It burns of stupid childish embarrassment and stupid delusional desire.

I pick your wrist up, slowly turning so that I can walk back down the way I came, and slip out of your grasp. It's a gentle lift, careful. I want to avoid as much skin contact as possible. "Even then."

"Even on your day off?" You let your arm slide off of me and a small hole opens up in my chest. You've always let me go so easily too.

"You misunderstand me, Lady Yoruichi. I gave my subordinates a day off. I did not give myself a holiday." I turn on my heel and start walking back to my office.

The distance has been not so kind

I curse this caveat

I don't know how close you stick to me. Undoubtedly, you can feel my reiatsu swirling in my wake. I wonder what it says to you? Can you read everything I cannot say or are they things you cannot hear?

"Oh come on, Soi. We haven't had the chance to hang out in ages! I just want to spend some time with my little bee." Perhaps you're grinning. That's right, to you, I'm just your little bee. I'm a plain servant girl, the kind of soul who would have ended up at your feet groveling anyway. It didn't have to be Shaolin Fong who became Soi Fon for you. I'm a tiny insect and you're the sun, my goddess, and today just happens to be one of those days where you grace me with your rays of light before disappearing beyond the horizon or a cloud or stirring up a typhoon. But whose fault is that?

I stop in the middle of the hall. My robes flutter in front of me, carried by my movement. I hadn't realized how fast I was walking.

"Soi?"

I like the way you say it. In this shaded corridor, I can almost hear a note of confusion.

"Why now?" I ask.

"Huh?"

"Why today?" I repeat. "Why not after Aizen revealed himself or after the substitute took care of him? Why not when the Quincy invaded or while I trained alone? You weren't even the one to ask me to donate my reiatsu to the substitute. Kuchiki did."

Is it shock?

I shiver. I'm waiting for your response, Yoruichi.

"Why now?"

And the temperatures are wearing paper thin

The silence is even worse, and I stifle back tears. I do not wish to relive that memory under Sokyoku Hill. I never got an answer then either. All that time and you couldn't give me a single word. I waited there, crying my heart out, until that wretched announcement came down and swallowed my emotions.

"I missed you."

I am sick of listening

My reiatsu is no longer loose. I can feel it binding me, trying to rip out of my shoulder blades, but the pain in my palms is worse. My nails are digging in so deep, for a second, I think they will tear through the backs of my hands.

"You missed me?" How long have I waited to hear those words? And how many times have I dreamed of you saying them to me? Now they seem so insubstantial, so absurd.

How dare you.

After all this time? Only now?

"You missed me?" I repeat. I can't seem to think of anything else.

You're silent again.

I know you're thinking of how best to approach me, how to defuse this whole situation. I bet you have no idea why I'm like this. You must be thinking that Omaeda wound me up or an unusual amount of paperwork has been dumped on me. You'll suggest we play tag or go train to blow off steam. You have no fucking idea, Yoruichi.

The worst is yet to come, my dear

Because you never think it's your fault. Even that fool Urahara knows how to take responsibility. Because you're always the helpful observer. You always intervene at the right moment to buy the heroes more time, or teach them a new skill, or save them from the clutches of evil. Because you're right, and it is my fault that I've fallen for you this hard and that I've never been able to let you go. How can you be expected to know all of your admirers' inner thoughts, or even the blatant tones of your heartsick attendant.

Do you have any idea how much I love you, Yoruichi? How much I hate that I love you?

I've been fighting back for what feels like nearly several hundred years

One hundred and twenty years. I'm sure it's shorter than that traitor's scheming lasted and even Gin hid his hatred for a hundred and ten, but it's far too long for me, Yoruichi. I am a weak person, and I think I may have come to accept that. Omaeda is not always a blubbering fool and my men might not fear me as much as they loved you, but maybe they respect me, and maybe that's enough for me to rely on them.

But you. Whenever I see you, I feel like I haven't grown at all.

How could I not unearth my each and every insecurity in your presence? And when I line up my fears and jealousy and hopeless want, I see the outline of my own mask, as monstrous as the hollows I slay.

"I did miss you," you insist. "I missed your smile and your laugh and the way you blush."

Yes, because those things are reserved for you. They are your treasures to pick up and play with whenever you want.

I do not turn around.

"I'm sorry to have inconvenienced you then, Lady Yoruichi."

"Soi Fon." My arm swings as you grab my hand. Were you scared I was going to run away? "I wanted to see you have fun for once! You're always working yourself to death. I thought we could relax a little together. Is it so wrong that I want to spend my time with you?"

"My apologies again, Lady Yoruichi. I am truly sorry I have made you worry about me, but you needn't concern yourself with such thoughts. I can take care of myself." The shadows inch up as the sun sets, light moving up from my feet to just below our hands.

I turn around.

You look surprised that I'm willing to look at you. Relief dilutes to panic in your eyes. What do you see, Yoruichi? I'm tired and frustrated and a dozen other emotions that split finer than the hairs on my head.

If you'd just let me make my own mistakes

"Soi Fon, what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry, Lady Yoruichi. I'm just a little tired." I do not try to release myself this time. "I've been dealing with forms all day."

I promise I'll behave

"Soi Fon," your grip tightens. "What's wrong?"

I like the way you ask that. I even allow myself to bask in it for a moment. It's a warm breeze against my skin that almost feels like support in the choking humidity. Perhaps the most comforting part is that you do not lean back and think that it's really the paperwork, because surely, you would have felt they were the most tiring thing were you still my captain.

And I love how you say my name. It almost sounds like you understand what I'm feeling. At least, you sound like you might be scared of what I might do. Maybe I'm wrong and I can inspire something in you, but your fear doesn't give me a sense of power. No, the last time you were afraid of me was because of my reckless use of shunko, not any threat I posed. But it gives me a small measure of satisfaction that I can still surprise you.

"I care about you, okay?"

I lay my hand on top of ours and do not look in your eyes. If I do, I know I won't be able to say my next words. You are too perfect, too beautiful. I will bend to your voice and play with you. We will talk and chat about things that don't matter much at all. I will smile and laugh and do all the things you want me to, and I will mean them. But then you will leave, and nothing will have changed.

"Thank you." I lean in and lower my head. It's less a bow and more an admission of defeat. I'm exhausted, but I've learned to train past that and I pull away, slipping out of your fingers.

Only in the worst way

Please, Lady Yoruichi. Allow me to destroy myself on my own.

But you don't let me. Your other hand reaches over and clasps my top hand before I can escape.

"Soi, please tell me," you breathe. It's deep, almost your cat voice, and I am so close to breaking.

I want to laugh. Tell you? How can I tell you what this is? I'm not ashamed. Only a fool would be ashamed to love you. It's only natural that I would fall in love with you. What I can't explain is this horrid knot.

How can you unpack a century of abandonment and hate and the deepest desire to just see you again. I wanted to scream at you for so long that the words piled up until I could no longer utter a single syllable.

I can't tell you because there are too many things to say, and they're all wrong and yet so very true. That's just how it is between us. Because the night I pledged myself to you, the same night I thought you did the same for me, you disappeared like the cat you are. And if I tell you what you want to hear now, you'll leave again. Maybe I want you to.

Too heavy to hold my own evaporating soul

"What do you want me to tell you?" Because I'm trapped between my own self-loathing and your care which I so desperately crave but don't deserve.

"Tell me what's wrong, Soi Fon." Your hands are hot, or maybe mine are. I feel like my skin is melting in your grasp.

Sweltered and sandwiched in

I weigh my options. "There are many things that are wrong," and suddenly I find that I can't stop talking. "For instance, our reality is held in place by a brain dead figurehead kept alive solely to perpetuate segregation, the most powerful asset in the world is a human living in Japan and raising the next substitute soul reaper that might break open the gates of Hell, Sousuke Aizen is still alive, the murderers of my brothers are still living too, peacefully and comfortably as nobles! The Rukongai exists, the punishment force exists, the fact that I work for a system that doesn't care if these things continue on forever!"

They're all true and they're all wrong.

But they're not the right truths.

You left me.

The middle of this melting heart of major compromise

You squeeze my hand. "Soi…"

I hate that you care.

It just makes it that much harder to stop loving you, another brick in an impossibly tall wall that I have to scale otherwise I'll go insane. And yet just trying to go up is the same as not bothering to try at all. It will never end. Sisyphus had an easier job.

"Well, what are you going to do about all that?"

"I-"

"Huh?!" I demand an answer. "Well, out with it, Ms. Shihouin Princess!" I'm being unreasonable. It is not your fault things are like this. In fact, it is still my fault for everything. I am a captain for goodness sake! I am responsible. But right now, I'm just so angry, and you, the one who ran away, the heir who had the power to make changes, are right in front of me, and I had to pick up your job and my love in the wake of your disappearance, and you never apologized for that. "What are you going to do?"

My fists quake.

"How are you going to take responsibility for all this?!"

How are you going to take responsibility for creating me? I made myself a monster, but I did it for you and for what you taught me to believe in.

"Or are you going to abandon us again? Are you just going to drop it all and act like you're better for recognizing how worthless we are?!"

Just leave me alone, Yoruichi. Let me be miserable and self-destructive without dragging you down with me.

I have one foot out and one foot almost in

I do not expect you to hug me.

"I'm sorry, Soi."

It's a tight hug, and I can feel your heart through your chest. It's pounding in a way I didn't think it could, erratic and painful. I must truly be a monster to stir such a horrid reaction in you, and I'm caught between ripping myself away and wrapping my arms around you too.

I should leave. I should go to a quiet part of the forest and bury myself for hurting you and breaking my vows. But the way you hold me is so soft, so tender that I can almost believe that you feel the same way I do. It's desperate in a coddling way. At the very least, you must feel that I could shatter in your embrace, and I realize as you lean in and cushion my body with your own that all of my happy memories are tied to you. I cannot let you go because you are my everything, and that is the most pathetic thing I can admit about myself. I am nothing on my own. I would never have been a captain or a lieutenant or a member of your guard without you. I would have been a nameless, faceless grunt, a casualty in the Shihouin's ledger.

I wish I had never met you. No, I wish that you had never cared about me. At least then, I would have only been a zealot, a puppet. But you took me under your wing and treated me like a human, and I learned who you were as a person, that lazy, adorable, teasing cat, that mentor who gently guided each drill by my side, that haughty, serious, perfect commander, and that damned me, Yoruichi. Damn you, Yoruichi. My mind wasn't enough for you, you had to have my heart as well.

"Don't." I push you away, gritting my teeth.

I am sick of listening

"Don't say that." And even though I'm pushing you away, I can't bring myself to let you go, to give the last fatal shove that breaks contact. "How can you even say that?"

"Soi…" You look so lost, almost as confused and upset as I am. Why would I push you away? Don't I know how much you care about me? Because you do care in your own twisted, detached way.

The worst is yet to come, my dear

"How can you say that after all this time?" I can't tell if I'm leaning on you or driving you backwards, out. "Do you know how long I've waited to hear those words? And that's all you have to say?"

I've been fighting back for what feels like nearly several hundred years

"One hundred and twenty years! I've waited! All that time! Hoping you would come back, hoping you would explain yourself and now you have the gall to drop back in like nothing ever happened?! As if that's enough to apologize?!"

I can see the hurt flash through your face, as terrifying and powerful as your shunko. Yes, yours. Your technique, the thing I stole from you. I had the audacity to think for once in my life that I had created something on my own, that I could be my own woman, and you swooped in and took that from me too. Your eyes light up with lightning, pupils constricting into the cat-like slits that betray your clan's heritage. Is it fear or anger? I don't care. You hurt me.

"Why didn't you answer me then?! When we fought over the execution? Why didn't you come back after that? Or after I lost my arm? Or any time before YHWCH? Or after? Why now?! Just what am I to you, Yoruichi!" I am pushing you away, but it's for your own good. I don't deserve you, and you deserve someone better, someone who actually knows who they are outside of you.

If you'd just let me make my own mistakes

I love you so much, and I don't love myself, and that's exactly the problem. I have nothing to offer you.

I promise I'll behave

It's useless. Whatever you say won't sway me, because the only sounds I can hear are my own heart and panting and the horrible echoes of my anger.

Only in the worst way

"Just go."

It's over. Let me figure out who I am. When I'm around you, everything else falls away, and I can't deal with that anymore, with you being the only thing that matters to me.

Only in the worst way

"You're right…" It's a tiny admission. I didn't think your voice could sound so small, and I feel an even smaller streak of relief and pride in my shame. I may have lost my temper, but at least I haven't broken down. When you've left, I'll lock myself up in my office and cry myself to sleep. "I've been a coward, Soi Fon."

I won't say I'm sorry

My body doesn't lock up so much as my reiatsu stops writhing. It coils in on itself, winding around my torso so tight I can't breath.

You bite your lip. "I… should have come back sooner. I should have told you sooner, but I was… I was scared, Soi Fon." You're swimming in my vision. My eyes are burning and my head is spinning, and you, the perfect goddess keeping my entire world upright, aren't a goddess right now. You're just Yoruichi. "I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to say it, and you deserved that."

I can feel your hands on mine again, and for some reason, I let you open up my palm, both of your thumbs resting in its center. "You're… too important to me to not get it right. I just wanted what I said to be perfect for you."

But what does that even mean? Important? As a student, as a friend, as a victim?

"Because I didn't want to hurt you any more than I had, and I was so scared that that was all I could do." You laugh. It's a torn up sound, choked. It might have come out of my own throat. "But I guess that's all I ended up doing anyway. Soi Fon." You look up into my eyes. I don't think anyone anywhere has ever described you as meek before.

"I just wanted things to go back to the way they were. I wanted you to look up to me still. I wanted you to think I was still the strongest, that I was worth standing by your side again. I just… didn't want to let you down, and I could never figure out anything that was enough."

My mouth moves more cruelly than I expect. "That's impossible." I only mean to answer the first admission, but it answers all of your fears.

Your shoulders slump. "I know."

This hasn't been a waste of time

"Then why now?" Why now? Why change anything at all? Why stay?

You take a deep shuddering breath. "Because I'm tired of running away, and because I missed you. All those years… Augh!" You bring your hands, and mine too, to your forehead. "Because you're right! I have been a coward and for once, I just want to admit that I want to be part of your life again! Even if it's just for a few hours, even if I'm just an invader. I want to know who you are now. I want to know who you've always been."

"Lady Yoruichi." You're clutching my hand like I might disappear into thin air. "Do you have any idea how much I love you?" It's only fair, right? A confession for a confession. "I love you so much, I could drown in it. I am drowning in it."

Tell me, do you think we'll be fine after all?

"But do you really think that we could ever be together?" Now? After everything that's happened between us?

You laugh that horrible ragged laugh again. It's so wet. "God, you're amazing, Soi Fon." Another shallow breath. "How can you just say it? After all this time, I'm still beating around the bush, and even after I've decided to do it, you beat me to the punch."

My mouth is a mute line, my brain unable to decide what to think.

"I don't know. I really don't know." Your neck cranes up so you can look me in the eyes. "But we can try, right? Isn't it worth that at least?"

I'm all nerve, an anxious sort of complicated fear

"Do you really believe that, Lady Yoruichi?" You're so close, and this is everything I ever wanted. I can feel your pulse through our hands. But it's not what I need. It's a giant mistake that will tear both of us apart. Not just from each other but ourselves as well, and I cannot allow you to destroy yourself for my sake. I'm not that selfish yet.

"I do." You swallow. What an enormous leap it must be to chain yourself to someone. You, who has never bothered to linger anywhere long enough to learn how stifling standing still is. "I want this." You squeeze my hand and place it right above your heart.

The worst is yet to come, my dear

"I'm sorry, Lady Yoruichi. I'm not worth the effort."

The worst is yet to come, my dear

Your grip tightens before I can pull away again.

"Lady Yoruichi, please let go of me." Real partners shouldn't complete each other's lives; they should add to them, and I have nothing to add to yours.

"No!"

"Yoruichi…"

"Why?" You scream. "Why are you running now? Don't you want this too? Didn't you just say you loved me?"

"I do want this!" I snap. "I want this more than anything! I love you so much it scares me! But that's exactly why I can't allow this. My own hate, my own jealousy, my own insecurity! That's all I can give you! Is that really the kind of woman you want to be with?"

"Yes, because you're more than that! You love me, right? Don't you think that's more than enough?"

My love is corrosive, Yoruichi. It will burn through us until we have nothing left but spite for each other. "Lady Yoruichi, I'm not the right birth nor the right sex nor the right person for you."

Your grip tightens so hard that I wince. "It's been a hundred and twenty years for me too, Soi!"

I've been fighting back for what feels like nearly several hundred years

I don't realize that you've moved until you've already captured my lips. Goddess of Flash indeed. My goddess.

If you'd just let me make my own mistakes

And instead of pushing you away like I should, my arms lock around your neck and drag us deeper, as if I'm trying to drown us both in the depths of Hell.

I promise I'll behave

It's hot and needy and desperate, and not anything like what I'd ever dreamed of. But it is real. It's the realest thing I've ever had.

Only in the worst way

"I love you. I love you." I don't know who's saying it. Maybe both of us.

You wrap your hand in my hair, tangling yourself so deep into my life that I'll never be able to get rid of you. I'm much too selfish to try now anyway.

As we stumble back into my quarters, I can't tell if I'm hurting you or loving you. You shove me down onto my bed, and in the dying sunset, I see you dark, looming over me, cupping my face. There's so much want there. I'd forgotten what it feels like to be wanted. Maybe I never knew. But you are just as desperate as me, maybe even more, and for an instant, that extinguishes my pain, to know that somebody loves me. "Soi Fon…"

And this time, I'm the one leaning forward and kissing you. They're my hands in your hair. I can't help but be unreasonable when you're around me, Yoruichi. I don't care anymore whether this will destroy us. I can't refuse you. I have nothing. Nothing that could possibly be worth this. All I can offer you is myself, nothing that you don't already own.

I hate that my whole life has been for you. I was bred into your service, trained by your hand, broken to surpass you, humbled over and over again, because no matter how much I try, I can never reach you. You're always out of my grasp, just past the finish line a million miles away. My world is a sum of efforts built around the woman named Yoruichi Shihouin.

Even right now in your arms, I'm struggling to please you. I'm not perfect, not the one you deserve, but I'm trying dammit. I'm trying to be better. I want to be someone worth your love.

Our clothes find their way to the floor and I find your mouth again. My skin is raw, sticks to yours, burning as if it wants to melt the barrier between us. You moan, and I latch onto your neck, my hunger so bright I want to taste your voice. Licking, sucking, biting. My hands rake across your back. You'll leave or I'll run away, but I want to leave behind something. I want this to last more than a delirious night, if only in the scars I leave behind.

If I could just find a way… a way to be myself without you, a way to love myself without you, I would stay by your side forever.

"Soi…"

I stop. You're cupping my cheek with your right hand. It's such a small smile.

"What?" It's a brief moment of almost clarity. I'm pinning you down and I don't want to stop. Let me finish making my mistakes before I go back to being sane.

"You're crying." Your thumb brushes under my eye, and I realize my entire face is streaked with tears.

I don't say anything. Instead, I close my eyes and the distance between us again. When I finally come up for air, I'm so lost in you that everything else freezes.

"Soi, I love you." You crawl over to my side and whisper in my ear, "I love you. I love you." Sweet nothings that melt into the darkness around us. You are the only thing that is real to me right now, and I'm terrified that you too will sink back into the night like you always have.

"Yoruichi…" It's a half growl, half plea. Please hold me. I stretch out my fingers, searching for your hand. "Yoruichi."

"I'm here, Soi." You wrap your hand over mine, interlacing our fingers. Your voice hasn't moved. It's still right beside me. I can feel your outline next to mine, the heat of your body lapping at my skin, and I'm crying.

I'm an ugly mess. My face might melt and my chest might burst open and I'm gripping your hand harder than you ever have. Please don't leave, Yoruichi. Please don't leave me.

And you grip my hand back. "I'm here, Soi. Don't worry." Your breath is brushing my cheek, a deep rumble that struggles to calm the nervous wreck I am. "I'm right here."

That's all I want.

The worst is yet to come, my dear

The morning finds me stumbling out of my head. My whole body is heavy, as if I'd been lifting weights for hours before collapsing into a black dream. The most I can do is turn my neck.

Your golden eyes meet mine.

I blink. "You're still here," I croak.

"Yeah." Your voice is soft. "Of course." You're still holding my hand. "I said I wanted to be with you, didn't I? Besides, I don't think I could have left even if I wanted to." You squeeze my hand back, and only now do I realize how tight my grip is, as if I'm afraid you'll evaporate if I let go for even a moment.

My face twitches and my other hand reaches up to hide it. I must be a mess. My eyes are all red and swollen and I'm only making things worse by bawling them out again.

I've been fighting back for what feels like nearly several hundred years

You don't say anything, just clutch my hand and lean in close to me.

Sobbing fits wrack my body, and I hold onto you for dear life. I might go insane.

"You shouldn't be here," I finally stutter. "You should leave."

If you'd just let me make my own mistakes

"No." You clutch my hand. "I'm not leaving you again."

"Why?" I sniff. "I'm not the kind of person who can love you right. I don't know if I can even love myself. How can I take care of you?"

"You don't have to, Soi Fon."

I blink, try to clear my throat, glare at you.

"You don't have to be perfect." It's such a small offer, and I'm reminded of the you from last night. "I love you because you're you."

My hand clenches.

"I don't even know who I am, Yoruichi."

"…" You tilt my head to meet your gaze. "We can find out together."

"That's not fair." Not fair to you. I don't want to be a parasite anymore, Lady Yoruichi.

"Soi…" You bring both of our hands up to your mouth and kiss mine. "You're not the only one who's scared. Maybe you don't know who you are, but I do. You're a brave and wonderful woman, the most loyal and caring friend I've ever had, and one of the most skilled warriors I've ever met. And I," you keep my hand by your mouth. "I know who I am, but I don't know who I can be for you. I don't know if I'll be a good partner or even someone who won't hurt you again." You look up at me. "But I'm willing to try. I want to try, because you're worth that, and you deserve it."

I see you swallow. "So… am I worth it too?"

I promise I'll behave

Of course. Of course you are. How can you even ask that? You're worth everything I have. No, more than that. "Of course."

Only in the worst way

God, I must be wearing the ugliest tear-stained smile right now, but I don't care. Being able to see yours, the way your brow relaxes, the way the shadows flee your eyes, is worth any amount of embarrassment I could manage.

"Then let's try."

Only in the worst way

I swallow and nod. "Yeah."

I have no idea what I'm doing, and my whole body wants to scream. This is crazy. This is insane. But I'm also tired of running, and maybe you're right. Maybe even if I'm nothing without you, I can still find something worth loving about the world, about myself when you're with me.

"Then I'll start."

Only in the worst way

"I love you, Soi Fon."

A/N: I woke up and wanted to write an angsty song fic, so instead of being a responsible human being, I did that. In many ways, this feels like a companion piece to "Before I Go," only from Soi Fon's perspective. It even got a little steamy, but maybe that's the only way I can imagine the two of them actually communicating. God, they're such disasters, I love them.

Ahem. I've been going through my old mp3 player since this year has been a lot about rediscovering things I used to love, fanfiction being the major one. That's how I stumbled upon Motion City Soundtrack and I figured that I'd try their more "recent" albums. As soon as I heard "The Worst is Yet to Come" I paired it with YoruSoi's whole situation. It was very therapeutic imagining Soi Fon singing, borderline screaming, this to Yoruichi, trying to get her to understand how she's felt all this time. On the other hand while I was writing it, a lot of the lyrics felt like they might come from Yoruichi herself, or maybe they were Soi Fon begging Yoruichi to save her from herself. Unfortunately, I don't have the patience to download a bunch of anime footage nor the editing skills to make a satisfactory AMV to convey that a la late 2000's youtube, so I did the one thing I'm passable at, writing fanfiction. If anyone wants to try making an AMV with this combination, I would be overjoyed!

I also want to try pairing other MCS songs to YoruSoi. The band's always seemed to work through the relationship snarls that I think the pairing necessarily falls into. I mean, I love YoruSoi, but I can be objective enough to realize that it's almost fated to be a toxic relationship or at least one with a lot of hardship. The power difference, the social class difference, the age difference, not to mention the abandonment and obsession. Maybe it says something about my innocence or naivete that I'm willing to trust in a genuine romance between the two. Or, maybe that's exactly why the couple is so mesmerizing for people. Anyway, I'd also love to do a "It had to be You," "Her Words Destroyed My Planet," or "When You're Around" song fic from Yoruichi's PoV, but we'll see if I ever get around to it. "This is for Real" might make a happy fic for once too.

Man, I'm really showing my age with this author note. Bleach, AMVs, and a 2000's band? Hopefully someone else enjoys this incredibly niche content! It was a blast writing something like this for my "one year anniversary" or return. If you did, leave a comment! I really love reading them and they help me improve and write more!