As the logo for 666 News flashed onto their screens, many faces all over Hell once again tuned in to the latest report from news anchors, Katy Killjoy and Tom Trench, this time both looking quite excited when they appeared for their broadcast.
"Good Morning!" the blonde news anchor announced, her shit-eating grin put on for all to see. "I'm Katie Killjoy!"
"And I'm Tom Trench," her co-anchor added. "Big news from the outer Circles today, all the way from the domain of Prince Gaap himself."
"Right you are, Tom," Killjoy replied. "All those of you looking forward to a relaxing trip to the Triton Resort, tough tits for you because that place is now officially a pile of rubble!"
At those words, a screenshot showing the smoking remains of the hotel was immediately displayed behind the two news anchors.
"According to eyewitness accounts, this tragedy was caused by none other than the daughters of Duke Valefar, who came to the hotel looking to party," Killjoy continued, unable to hold back her smirk.
"Well, they can party with ME any time they like, hoohoo!" Tom added, letting out a perverse chuckle as the image of the hotel was replaced by a sexy pinup of one of Valefar's daughters.
"A jackass as always, aren't you, Tom?" Killjoy retorted, digging her claw-like nails into the desk in front of her before continuing. "Bad parenting aside, the mayhem caused by these girls had left many vacationers either demanding refunds, needing a therapist, or driving to the nearest clinic for an STD checkup."
At those words, a picture of Prince Gaap was then displayed.
"As for Prince Gaap, the owner of the Triton, he is not having the best of times at all," Tom pointed out, with Gaap's picture switching out from one that looked like it came from a fashion magazine to a recent shot of him looking dishevelled and bawling his eyes out.
"You can say THAT again, Tom," Killjoy added. "According to our sources, not only did this sexually driven riot cause his hotel to crumble, but it also resulted in the disappearance of his daughter and what can only be described as a serious nervous breakdown."
At those words, Gaap's image was replaced by a screenshot of a magazine cover displaying an image of Kanya in a skimpy red bikini.
"That's right, Katy," Tom spoke up. "His daughter, AKA the sexy swimsuit model, Kanya Snowdrop, who was well known throughout all 7 Rings of Hell, couldn't be located anywhere near the hotel after the tragedy occurred. But with any luck, she's safe and sound somewhere waiting to reunite with her adoring fans. Hell, I know one fan who's waiting to see that luscious bod aga-"
POW!
At that moment, Tom was immediately rendered unconscious after Killjoy suddenly grabbed a baseball bat from under the desk and smashed him across the face with it.
"Indeed, her disappearance is quite the mystery," she continued, putting down the bat as if nothing happened. "Which begs the question… where is she now and what could she possibly be up to?
If only Killjoy knew that both Kanya and her girlfriend were closer than she thought. In the early hours of that very same morning, Johnny's van pulled up in front of a certain hotel on the east side of the Pentagram. However, this particular hotel wasn't at all like the one they had just escaped from.
"This… is the place?" Kanya uttered, raising an eyebrow at the towering building while Johnny suddenly drove away.
"Not quite what I was expecting," Crystal commented, sharing her girlfriend's initial opinion of the place.
"Is that a ship sticking out of the side!?" Kanya suddenly blurted out, feeling even more shocked when she did, in fact, see such a vessel poking out of the right side of the hotel. If she didn't know any better, she would have guessed that it had somehow ploughed through the building and was just never taken out.
"And what's with the carousel!?" Crystal added, feeling just as baffled when she spotted the structure poking out of the OTHER side of the building.
However, appearances aside, both of the lovers knew that they couldn't just turn back now. After all, it wasn't as if they had anywhere else to go AND Octavia did go through the effort of arranging for them to stay here. If this place indeed was as safe as the Goetia Princess claimed, then they had no choice but to bite the bullet and head inside… of course, the interior wasn't that much to look at either.
Having been so used to the luxury provided by the Triton Resort, it was almost unreal when they saw how rundown the place looked. By the looks of things, it appeared as though everything was in the middle of some makeshift renovations and they hadn't quite finished yet. On the plus side, it did appear as though the place was kept clean at least, with no cobwebs or dust anywhere. Walking across the blood-red carpet, passing by numerous photos and paintings hanging on the wall, Kanya and Crystal tried to find someone, anyone who could provide them with their room key, or even some information to go on. Alas, the only person they could spot was a winged, black and white Cat Demon wearing a top hat and suspenders passed out over what appeared to be a small bar situated across the hall from what appeared to be a lounge area. Given how inebriated he clearly was judging from the stench of his breath and his loud snoring, neither Kanya nor her girlfriend saw any point in trying to wake him up.
"Okay… so now what?" Crystal thought aloud, feeling a little perplexed.
"My goodness, what do we have here?"
They didn't know why, but the sudden sound of that staticky voice instantly sent a shiver down Kanya and Crystal's spines. Nervously looking behind them, they suddenly found themselves facing a tall figure clothed in a red suit, with small black deer antlers out of his blood-red hair and holding a mic-tipped cane while giving the two the creepiest smile ever. The moment they saw him, both Kanya and Crystal instantly recognised who he was. After all, even those in the upper class knew of the exploits of… The Radio Demon.
"Y-you're the… the…" Crystal stuttered, her voice shaking in fear just as much as the rest of her body.
However, as hard as it was to believe, the Demon in question didn't appear to be hostile… yet.
"Alastor! A pleasure to meet you, my dears! Quite the pleasure!" he introduced himself, his voice literally sounding like it was coming out of an old tube radio. "Do pardon my sudden appearance but your presence to me is just as shocking, and so early in the morning too. Why, we've hardly been able to get this place in order."
"S-so YOU run this hotel?" Kanya asked hesitantly, quickly getting second thoughts about coming here.
"In a manner of speaking," Alastor casually replied, seemingly ignoring the girl's trembles. "Excuse me one moment while I alert my business partner."
At those words, both Kanya and Crystal couldn't help but give each other a raised eyebrow when Alastor suddenly tapped the mic in his cane, causing it to glow and carry his voice throughout the hotel as he spoke into it.
"Oh, Chaaaaaaaaaaarlie!" he practically sang. "We have guests in the lobby!"
"GUESTS!?" screamed a familiar, feminine voice from at the top of the stairs.
About three seconds later, after a series of loud crashes coming from upstairs, a certain blonde Hellborn Princess in a red suit came running down the stairs with a giddy smile on her face.
"Hi!" Charlie yelled, her eyes sparkling with excitement as she got into both of the two lovers' faces. "Welcome to the Happy Hotel! You are gonna love it here!"
Of course, compared to Alastor, Kanya and Crystal weren't all that surprised that the daughter of Lucifer himself was so giddy. After all, even if the entire Pride Ring didn't see her failed advertising campaign on 666 News, Kanya had actually met Charlie a couple of times during Royal events with her father.
"Wait, HAPPY Hotel?" Crystal repeated, scratching her head in confusion as she recalled the sign outside. "I thought that this was-"
"Oh, right, sorry," Charlie interrupted with a facepalm. "I keep forgetting about the name change."
They could tell for sure, but the two lovers could have sworn that Alastor was smirking at that.
"Uh… yeah, so Octavia said that you-" Kanya spoke up awkwardly, only for Alastor to cut her off.
"Ah, yes! The young Owl girl," he said with a chuckle. "Quite the charming young lady from what I hear."
Needless to say, every crackly word that came out of the Radio Demon's mouth sent even more shivers down both Kanya's and her girlfriend's spines. Regardless, the former still needed to say her piece.
"Y-yeah," she continued awkwardly. "Anyway she said that we'd be safe if we stayed here."
"Yeah… Via brought me up to speed on what happened at the Triton," Charlie pointed out sympathetically. "I still can't believe your dad could be such a dick."
"Oh? What's this now?" Alastor asked curiously, his face contorting with vast intrigue as Charlie whispered what she heard from Octavia into his ear before his grin somehow grew even wider. "My goodness, now this is quite an interesting development. Well, don't you worry my dear, if anyone ever thinks of trying to find you here… I shall make them wish they hadn't."
The moment the Radio Demon spoke that last part, his staticky voice suddenly turned even more deep and demonic as his face twisted into something even more terrifying and reality seemed to contort and flicker all around him, sending both lovers into a panic… that lasted for a good three seconds before suddenly Alastor was back to normal and smiling just as giddily as ever.
"Anywho!" he spoke up, going about his business as if nothing happened. "Why don't we get you both settled in, hmm? I imagine it has been quite the journey."
Charlie, of course, smiled enthusiastically at that.
"Great idea, Al," she said, turning towards Kanya and Crystal. "We hope you'll both be very comfortable here."
"I'm… sure we will be," Crystal replied, not wanting to sound rude despite her reservations.
"But first, how about a cocktail?" Al suddenly spoke up. "Can't have you check in without a welcoming drink."
Hearing that, Charlie's smile immediately dropped.
"Al, it's too early for that!" she chastised the red-clad Demon, sadly to no avail.
"Nonsense," Alastor retorted as he made his way over to the bar and towards the snoring Sinner splayed over it. "It's never too early for a beverage to calm the nerves. Any preferences, ladies? Sazerac? Absinthe Frappé perhaps?"
"Uh…" Crystal uttered, trying to find the right words to say before Alastor once again interrupted.
"Hold that thought," he said, suddenly slamming his hand against the bar. "Husker, my good man!"
Instantly startled by the noise, the Cat Demon, Husk quickly woke up from his drunken snooze.
"W- Wha!?" he exclaimed, his deep gravelly voice somewhat slurred as he annoyedly looked upon the Radio Demon in front of the bar. "Aw jeez, the fuck do you want now?"
"Bright and energetic as ever, I see," Alastor mocked in response, clearly adding further aggravation to what was sure to be a pain-in-the-ass-hangover. "Pardon the interruption but could you provide some cocktails for the ladies here? It would seem they'll need a little pick me up before they check in."
However, even if he wasn't hungover, Husk still needed a moment to process the exact words that left the Radio Demon's mouth.
"Wait…" he said, his jaw dropping in disbelief. "Someone's CHECKING IN!?"
SMASH!
"SOMEONE'S CHECKING IN!?"
Hearing the shattering glass followed by the surprised screams from above their heads, Kanya and Crystal immediately looked up and saw five new faces leaning over the stair railing. The first was, of course, Charlie's girlfriend and Hotel Manager, Vaggie, then next to her was a slender, Spider Demon with four arms, pinkish white fur, and one pink and black left eye, AKA, the porn star Angel Dust. Then standing on the railing itself was Nifty, who appeared to be a small, yet perky Demon resembling a pixie with one Cyclops eye and wearing a red maid outfit. Finally, poking their heads through the balusters were, of course, the pets. Fat Nuggets, Angel Dust's tiny Teacup Hellhog, and Keekee, the small black and white cyclopean cat, who was also the Hotel's mascot. Needless to say, given how poorly the Hotel was getting off the ground, it was no surprise how the sudden appearance of guests brought everyone to a state of shock… Well, almost everyone.
"Oho, I KNEW this was going to be entertaining," Alastor chuckled before suddenly snapping his fingers.
Then suddenly, as if by magic, everything went black before the entire hotel was covered in a neon blue light and a spotlight shone on both Charlie and Alastor, giving them both their cue to sing.
Alastor:
Oh, there are cobwebs in the rafters,
And there are bloodstains on the floor,
Don't try to order dinner, we've no kitchen anymore,
KABOOM!
Charlie:
But if the road's been kinda bumpy,
And you need to rest a spell,
Alastor and Charlie:
Well, welcome home to Ol' Hazbin Hotel!
As sudden and unexpected as the musical number was, especially given that the door to the kitchen did in fact get blown off its hinges in a ball of fire, neither Kanya nor Crystal was able to resist getting wrapped up in it. At that moment, everyone else seemed to join in on the music, with Vaggie and Angel dust pulling the two to the lounge while Nifty was rushing to get the fire extinguisher.
Vaggie:
If you've got luggage keep it handy
But you're running out of luck,
'Cause we have no bellhops to organize and the elevator's stuck,
Angel Dust:
Still, if you don't mind mangy animals,
And can learn to stand the smell,
Alastor and Charlie:
Well, welcome home to Ol' Hazbin Hotel!
Unable to ignore the catchy tune, Kanya and Crystal quickly found themselves tapping their fingers along with the beat. What's more, they suddenly found themselves going all gushy-eyed when Fat Nuggets suddenly jumped into Kanya's lap. Needless to say, the cute little piggy won both of their hearts immediately.
Alastor and Charlie:
Welcome home,
Angel Dust, Vaggie and Nifty
(Oh, welcome home)
Alastor and Charlie:
No matter where you wander,
You will never do as well,
Suddenly getting spun around in their chairs, Kanya and Crystal were suddenly floored when literal shadows suddenly burst out of the fireplace and started playing instruments like they were the hotel's house band. Meanwhile, Nifty pulled out her feather duster and cleaned all the little spots where everyone had been, with Keekee doing the same using her bushy tail.
Nifty:
Okay, the lobby's looking shabby,
And the front wall has some holes,
Angel Dust:
And we're pretty sure the basement is infested with a thousand Lava Moles,
Nifty:
Still, the management is cheerful,
The best you can find in Hell,
All:
Yes, welcome home to Ol' Hazbin Hotel!
Suddenly, Alastor, for some reason, came sliding down the stairs, playing the piano no less and started filling the entire lobby with a louder and more catchy tune. Taking in the atmosphere around them, feeling the fun aura oozing out of every crevice of the building, both Kanya and Crystal couldn't help but grin as they slowly began to enjoy themselves.
"Babe?" Kanya uttered.
"Yeah?" Crystal replied.
"I think we're gonna like it here,"
Feeling that no other words needed to be said, Crystal gladly took her lover's hand and blissfully allowed herself to be pulled into a dance to the music, much to Charlie's delight.
Alastor:
Oh, there are bugs,
Nifty:
(There are bugs!?)
Alastor:
And there are mice,
Nifty:
(There are mice!?)
Angel:
Sure, the place has its problems, but you'll never beat the price!
Kanya:
You've got every kind of critter,
Crystal:
You've got every kind of pest,
Charlie:
But we treat them all as equals, just like any other guest,
Vaggie:
We hope you'll find it comfy, though you're not our clientele,
All:
You'll fit right in at the Ol' Hazbin Hotel!
Kanya and Crystal:
We'll fit right in…
All:
…at the Ol' Hazbin Hoteeeeeeeeeeeeeeell!
Suddenly the music ended and everyone was left standing in the lobby with giddy grins on their faces… all except one particular Sinner standing behind the bar with a look of complete bafflement on his drunken face.
"You are all WEIRDOS!"
That was the last thing Husk would say before he took another swig of cheap booze and once again planted his face on the surface of the bar with a groan.
Snowflake's Digital Diary: Entry 6
Well, it's been a month now since I got you, New Diary, and I gotta say things have taken quite a turn. Granted, I'm not used to TYPING out my thoughts, but it's good practice for when I actually speak to the Owl family now… well, except the crazy bird bitch but that goes without saying. But still, actually being able to TALK to Octi and Daddy is fucking awesome! You can only imagine their surprise when I started typing away in front of them when they finally came home. I thought Octi was gonna die of cuteness overload. Hehe.
Alas, Bird Bitch once again has to spoil all the fun. After the disaster on the first weekend away, she was practically livid. Said that it was one of the most embarrassing things she had ever experienced, which is laughable considering Daddy and Octi suffered a lot more than she did from what I hear. Either way, she called Daddy a fucking jinx and forbade him and Linda from joining any more weekends away.
Now every weekend, that crazy bitch takes Octi away, leaving me and Daddy behind. She claims that it's to "reconnect" with her daughter, but I know that's a load of bullshit. I mean, let's be honest, this is just another way to hurt both Daddy and Owl Daddy at the same time. Worse still, Octi is just as miserable as the pair of them. Every time she comes home, I need to give her a double dose of the Snowflake Snuggle just to cheer her up. Oh yeah, I'm THAT good. Suck on that, you dumb therapy dogs!
Anywho, despite all that, things between Daddy and Octi seem to be going better than ever. Whenever they reunite after every weekend, I feel like I'm watching one of Owl Daddy's soap operas… and I love every fucking second of it! Whatever happened on that first weekend, I gotta find a way to thank the one responsible cause things finally seem to be getting good.
That's all for now, diary. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta find Bird Bitch's tiara and "accidentally" drop it in the toilet. Snowflake out!
Speaking of what happened at the Triton resort, in a different part of Pentagram City, one of the individuals who was smack dab in the thick of things was pulling his van up to his usual workplace, running slightly late.
"God fucking damn it!" Johnny snapped, slamming his fist against the wheel as he saw steam coming from the hood. "Not the carburettor again!"
Such is the afterlife of one Johnny Blues, despite having a sweet ride, he always had the occasional engine trouble, especially since he pulled Seth's hook out of his hood last month. Stepping out of his van, he then proceeded to quickly look under the hood, choosing to give his engine a good look over before heading inside his workplace… the strip club known as the Peppermint Puss.
Inside the strip club itself, it seemed like just another usual day for both employee and patron, while the band played, the lovely ladies of the club were on stage showing off as much skin as they could with every garment they ripped away from their alluring flesh, sending their audiences into a frenzy of lustful desire. Meanwhile, waiters and waitresses in the skimpiest of outfits walked among the patrons, taking drink orders and serving said beverages like it was any other job. Among those employees, the extremely sexy Succubus known as Dominique once again stood behind the bar, her skimpy bikini showing her massive cleavage for all to see.
"Here you go, girls," she said, sliding over two martini glasses for two Hellhounds on the other side of the bar. "Enjoy"
Seeing the Succubus give them a sultry wink, both Hellhounds couldn't help but blush and giggle as they walked away with their drinks. Oh yeah… she was definitely getting laid tonight.
"Fucking asshole!"
All of a sudden, her dirty thoughts were interrupted when her sister, Desiree, came up to the bar sporting an ice pack over her left eye.
"Whoa!" Dominique gasped. "What the hell happened to you, sis!?"
"My fucking ass-hat of a patron got too handsy again, that's what," Desiree snapped, lowering the ice pack to reveal a fresh shiner. "Story goes as you can guess: He grabs my ass, I smack him in the face, and he retaliates with a right hook!"
At that moment, Dominique dug her nails into the bar so hard, that they left fresh gash marks in the wood. Within two seconds, she was ready to grab the nearest ice pick and stab someone's eye out. However, just then, Johnny came running up the bar seemingly out of breath.
"Hey gals," he greeted, bracing himself over the bar for a brief moment. "Sorry, I'm late. Had to deal with some van troubles."
Despite her injury, Desiree couldn't help but chuckle at that.
"You really need to get yourself a proper set of wheels instead of that old junker, Johnny," she commented, causing the Greaser to scoff.
"Oh sure, lemme get on that with all that money I don't… have…" he began, only for his voice to fail him as soon as he saw the black mark over his crush's left eye "What in the Nine Circles happened to you, Des!?"
All things considered, Desiree couldn't help but feel a little flattered that Johnny cared so much for her wellbeing. That being said, she still never was one to play the damsel in distress.
"Ah, don't worry about it," she said, trying to brush the incident off as she placed the ice pack over her eye again. "It was just some asshole who tried copping a feel. I mean, I gave him a good smack for it… but unfortunately, he hit back even harder."
Hearing that, Johnny stood silent for a moment, his face darkened by a shadow before he let out an angry hiss and adjusted his sunglasses.
"He still here?" he asked, resisting the urge to bare his fangs for the moment.
"Yeah. I haven't had the chance to tell Shank yet," Desiree replied, accepting a glass of scotch from her sister. "Last I saw, the guy was going to the restrooms."
"I see…" Johnny uttered, straightening himself up and adjusting his jacket. "Would you two excuse me for a moment?"
After that, both Succubi Sisters watched their friend and coworker head towards the restrooms. Had anyone been able to look under his sunglasses, they would have seen a burning gaze of pure anger that might have even rivalled Mick's feral fury hidden beneath them, a gaze that showed the need for pure, unadulterated vengeance.
"You don't think…?" Dominique uttered, causing her sister to smirk.
"You know Johnny," she replied smugly. "He doesn't take kindly to those who would mess with his lady."
Now it was Dominique's turn to smirk.
"Still stringing him along, huh?" she asked.
"What can I say?" Desiree answered with a shameless shrug. "He's just too adorable when he's flustered. BUT that's not to say I would say no if he ever does find the balls to ask me out."
"You are something else, sis," Dominique pointed out with a light shake of her head. "You know that right?"
"Maybe so," her sister giggled. "But better to be that than just a pretty face and a nice pair of tits, eh?"
"I'll drink to that."
Meanwhile, in the men's restroom, a large Sinner in leather resembling a Monitor Lizard with sickly purple scales and three eyes was standing at one of the urinal stalls taking a whizz, seemingly lost in his own thoughts without a care in the world. When he was about done, however, a strong hand suddenly wrapped around the back of his neck around the same time he felt a razor-sharp object pressed against his junk
"What the-!?" he tried to yell, only for the hand to grip tighter around his neck, allowing someone to whisper in his ear with a low hiss.
"Ssssssssssssssshhh! Don't want me to slip now, do we?" it said, sending instant shivers down the Lizard Demon's spine.
"Wha- what the fuck, man!?" the large Sinner whimpered, only to be met with another hiss.
"You were VERY rude to one of the lovely ladies that work in this fine establishment," his attacker whispered. "And while this place has a strict no touching policy regardless, I personally cannot condone such behaviour to one of my coworkers."
Hearing that, the Lizard Sinner gasped and shifted his gaze, tilting his head just enough to reveal a familiar-looking pompadour belonging to one of the bouncers of this place.
"H-hey man, the bitch was a Succubus!" he foolishly tried to argue. "If she don't like being touched, she shouldn't dress up in something that begs- EEP!"
Alas, the Sinner never got to finish his sentence due to suddenly feeling something knick his private area. Looking down, he froze in horror to see a razor-sharp switchblade pressing against his balls.
"I suggest you keep your mouth shut, or else we're gonna find out if lizards really can grow back all the parts of their bodies. Now… eyes forward."
Daring not to anger his fellow Sinner due to the fear for his manhood, the Lizard reluctantly obeyed, shifting his gaze straight towards the wall in front of him.
"Now… you're gonna finish doing your business and then you are going to leave this establishment and never come back," Johnny growled, giving the large Demon his first and only warning. "And if I ever see your ugly mug again… well, it won't just be the ONE head I cut off."
To emphasize his point, Johnny menacingly slid his switchblade from the Lizard Demon's crotch, up his torso and the way towards his flabby neck, giving him a small cut under his jaw and leaving a small trickle of blood to drip onto the tiled floor.
"Are we clear in that, big fella?" Johnny continued, earning himself a loud whimper from the Lizard. "Or are you reconsidering a new afterlife as a eunuch?"
"We're clear!" the large reptile blubbered. "We're CLEAR! I… I won't come back, I swear!"
Seeing the larger Demon cry like he was a toddler, Johnny gave him a deadpan gaze with next to no sympathy.
"Okay, now you're officially in the top five of the most pathetic people I've met since coming to this pit."
Those were the last words the Lizard Demon would hear Johnny say before his fellow Sinner retracted his blade, grabbed him by the back of the head and smashed his face straight into the wall.
BAM!
Being knocked out almost immediately from the impact, losing a good number of his teeth in the process, the Lizard Demon then slid down the wall until he landed face-first into the urinal he was just using, leaving a large cracked crater where Johnny drove his head. Satisfied with his handiwork, Johnny put on a smug grin as he stood over the unconscious body, pulling out his switchblade again before switching out the knife for a comb to straighten out his pompadour. At that moment, two of the Hellhound security guards barged into the restroom, undoubtedly sent by one of the other employees.
"He's all yours, boys," Johnny declared, pointing his thumb at the bloody mess he just made.
Watching the two Hounds drag the body away, the Greaser once again couldn't help but feel a little smug.
"That's right, don't fuck with Johnny Blues."
Soon after, Johnny made his way down the stairs and into the Lobby just in time to see the Hellhounds throw the Lizard Demon out the door, causing the lone Sinner sitting behind the desk to look up from his newspaper.
"Another one to add to the barring list, Johnny?" he asked with his usual bored expression.
"Mhm," the Greaser replied, throwing the Lizard Demon's wallet and photograph on the desk, the latter he took using the printout camera the club had just for the occasion.
Seeing this, Mandible let out a heavy sigh and turned to the cork wallboard behind him, looking over the abundance of photographs of multiple demons that had already been barred over the years, a third of which being thanks to Johnny and his efforts.
"You know, if we keep adding faces to this thing, we're gonna need another board." the Insect Demon pointed out, grabbing a pin and hanging the latest photo to whatever small space was available. "Either that or we might as well buy a giant dartboard for them,"
Johnny, of course, couldn't help but smirk at that.
"Doesn't sound like a bad idea, actually,"
"So what did you threaten to cut off this time?" Mandible asked, once again returning to his newspaper.
"The boys," Johnny replied, pointing down to his crotch for emphasis.
In response to that, Mandible let out a small buzz as he winced at such a claim. Undoubtedly, the only time anyone would ever see any emotion aside from his boredom today. Quickly getting over it, the Sinner behind the desk soon let out a small sigh.
"You know, it's ironic," he commented, causing Johnny to raise an eyebrow. "You can be as bold as brass whenever it comes to defending your lady's honour, yet you always manage to piss yourself in terror whenever it comes to actually asking her out."
Johnny didn't know what pissed him off more, the fact that Mandible called him out on his situation, or that he didn't seem to show the slightest bit of emotion about it, almost as if such a thing was yesterday's news. Either way, the Insect Demon's statement brought an embarrassed shade of red to the Greaser's otherwise grey, scaly face.
"Hey, I'm gonna do it… eventually!" he snapped, his words already beginning to fail him. "It's just, uh… never been the right time to do it, you know?"
Mandible, however, only rolled his eyes at that.
"Considering it's been over five years, I'm surprised the right time even exists," he commented, infuriating Johnny even further.
"Oh, yeah?" he retorted. "Well, at least I'm doing a lot better than YOU. Tell me, when was the last time you ever had a girl?"
Mandible, of course, only gave the Greaser somewhat of an annoyed look.
"1952… back when I still had the parts required," he stated bluntly. "Thanks for reminding me of that… dick."
Now it was Johnny's turn to roll his eyes.
"Whatever, man," he said, choosing to be the bigger man and brush off the guy's effortless insult.
"Listen, kid," Mandible continued, lowering his newspaper for a brief moment. "All I'm saying is that you need to either take a swing or let someone else get a shot. Because like it or not, she WON'T wait for you forever."
As much as Johnny hated to admit it, the Wasp Sinner did have a point. If he was being honest, even he felt that he had been dancing around asking Desiree out for WAY too long. Despite his numerous attempts to do so, he always managed to either botch it up or chicken out… no more. Narrowing his eyes with determination, the Greaser then made his way back towards the stairs. It was now or never!
"Right!" he declared. "Look out, Des, heeeeeeeere comes Johnny!"
Despite his continuously bored demeanour, even Mandible could not help but feel somewhat amused by the display.
"That's the spirit, you go get her," he droned, once again turning back to his newspaper. "Yeah… that poor idiot is SO gonna crash and burn again."
Back up in the main room, Johnny once again walked up to the bar and spotted Dominique, however, this time her sister was nowhere to be found.
"Hey Dominique," the Snake Demon greeted. "Where'd Des go?"
"Oh, she was just called to Shank's office," Dominique replied. "He's looking for you too, by the way."
"Oh, really?" Johnny asked with a raised eyebrow. "What for?"
"Didn't say," the Succubus replied with a shrug. "So why do you…?"
However, seeing the look of desperation and/or determination in Johnny's reptilian eyes, Dominique didn't even need to finish her sentence to figure out what was going on.
"Oh my… is this another attempt, Johnny?" the Succubus asked playfully, giving the Snake Demon cause to pout.
Given how many of these attempts Johnny has made over the years, it wasn't that surprising that everyone would tease him about it. However, that didn't make it any less annoying.
"Well, either way, I just gotta say, good luck, sweetie," Dominique continued. "Seriously, I'm rooting for you."
"Really?" Johnny uttered, feeling somewhat embarrassed by the Succubus's statement.
"Well, duh," Dominique retorted with an eye roll. "I want my sis to be happy. And let's face it, you're a lot better than most of the other guys in this pit."
Now Johnny REALLY felt embarrassed, so much so that no amount of makeup could hide his blush. Dominique certainly knew how to get under a man's skin in more ways than one.
"Thanks, Dom," he said sheepishly. "That means a lot that you think so highly of me."
Then in an instant, the moment was ruined.
"Well… that and I got about 30 souls in the pool."
The moment the Succubus said that, all signs of flattery instantly disappeared from Johnny's face, only to be immediately replaced by confusion.
"Pool?" he repeated "What pool?"
Rather than give the Sinner a verbal answer, Dominique turned around and swivelled around one of the wall mirrors behind her to reveal a giant chalkboard. On this chalkboard was a drawn table with a large assortment of names, numbers and all other small pieces of information, from first glance, it looked like the board one would see behind the betting booth of a racetrack. Seeing the title: JOHNNY'S LOVE STRUGGLE etched above everything, the Sinner himself gave Dominique a deadpan glare.
"Seriously!?" he exclaimed, clearly not appreciating how there appears to be a betting game based on his love life.
Dominique, however, only rolled her eyes once again.
"It's been 5 years, Johnny," she retorted. "What did you expect?"
"Do I even WANT to know who else is in on this?" Johnny asked, choosing to ignore the Succubus's question.
Being the playful spirit she was, Dominique felt no hesitation in spilling the beans.
"Me, Mandible, Shank, a few of the other dancers, even some of the regular patrons," she said, listing off many of the names on the board as she pointed them out. "A few of them, myself included, are betting that you'll actually get the girl once you ask her… then again there are a LOT more that'll think you'll crash and burn. Hell, we even have one guy who's betting that you'll succeed but only end up going on one date before she inevitably dumps your ass. "
Needless to say, Johnny was not impressed with the explanation.
"Gee, thanks for the boost of confidence," he said sarcastically.
"No problemo," Dominique retorted, recognising the sarcasm but brushing it off before giving the Sinner another smirk. "Best not keep Shank waiting, hun."
Letting out a sigh of defeat, Johnny knew that it was pointless to dignify that with a response. As such, all he could do was turn around and make his way over to his employer's office, choosing to ignore the fit of giggles coming from Dominique's lips.
The main office for the Peppermint Puss was easy enough to find, albeit a bit out of the way from everything else on the main floor. Making his way up the narrow staircase leading up from the right side of the main stage, Johnny felt a sense of unease when he gave the mahogany door a light tap with his knuckles
KNOCK! KNOCK!
"Enter!" he heard his employer say from the other side.
Swallowing a lump in his throat, the Snake Sinner then reached for the doorknob and turned it.
"You wanted to see me, sir?" Johnny spoke up as he entered the room.
It was a decent-looking office, no doubt about that, with a blood-red carpet, a bookcase on the right side of the room and a minibar on the left, along with a single large wooden desk with two small black leather armchairs in front of it and Shank Calico himself sitting on a large swivel chair on the other side. Given how often he's been in this office, Johnny was all too familiar with the choice of decor, though he was happy to see Desiree hadn't left just yet.
"Hey, Johnny," she greeted, much to Johnny's delight.
"Ah yeah, Johnny," Shank added, gesturing to one of the armchairs before he brought his Hellphone back to his ear. "Take a seat. I'll be right with you."
Seeing this as her cue to leave, Desiree gave Shank a nod and made her way over to the door, though not before giving Johnny a wink and a smile on the way out. The moment she did that, not only did Johnny's face turn red, but a giddy shiver went up his spine. The moment she was gone, the Greaser made his way towards the desk and sat down just as Shank was wrapping up his phone call.
"No, Rex, I'm not going through with it!" the long-clawed Sinner snapped. "Look, just call Ray and tell him to meet us there tomorrow at one. I promise we'll sort this all out."
Slamming his phone on the desk, Shank let out an exasperated groan before he downed a small glass of absinthe and turned to his employee.
"Sorry about that," he apologized. "One of my side businesses is going a little tits-up."
"Oof, sorry to hear that," Johnny replied. "So… you wanted to see me for something, boss?"
Hearing that, Shank cleared his throat and straightened himself out. Once again ready to get straight back to business.
"Yeah, it's about the new hires down at the Rustler's Retreat," the long-clawed Sinner explained, much to Johnny's sudden unease. "As I recall, YOU were the one responsible for bringing them into the fold, correct?"
Suddenly believing that he was now in trouble, Johnny's survival instincts immediately kicked in and he quickly had to resist the urge to grovel.
"Y-yeah," he stuttered anxiously. "Though to be fair, they were the result of one of Buzz's idiot ideas!"
Shank, of course, only raised an eyebrow at that.
"I don't know who that is, nor do I care," he said bluntly. "The point is y'all were the ones who brought them into my business, AFTER taking an abrupt vacation without notice, I might add."
Yet another thing Johnny had to mentally blame Buzz for, given the circumstances.
"In any case, I want you to come with me to the Rustler's Retreat tomorrow morning to review how the newbies are settling in," Shank continued. "I trust that ain't too much trouble?"
Feeling a small surge of relief, Johnny thanked his lucky stars that the subject of conversation didn't end up far worse than it was… that said, it didn't help when Shank's claw heated up to emphasize his insistence on the matter.
"N-no, of course not, sir," Johnny quickly answered, choosing not to take his chances as he felt the heat even from where he was sitting. "It's no trouble at all."
At those words, Shank smiled and his claw cooled down almost immediately.
"Awesome-sauce," he said with a smirk, clearly satisfied with how the conversation went. "Now then… How's the afterlife treating ya, kiddo? No problems I trust?"
Typical Shank, always serious one minute, and yet so casual the next. Frankly, it's a wonder how anyone could keep track at times.
"Uh… yeah, pretty good," Johnny replied truthfully, albeit having no idea what else he could say.
"I hear you dealt with the dickhead who took a swing at Desiree earlier," Shank pointed out with another smirk. "Gotta say, very well done."
Johnny, of course, couldn't help but feel sheepish after hearing that.
"Well, gotta do my job right, don't I?" he asked, scratching the back of his head.
"Though I suppose the fact you have the hots for her is a pretty good motivator, eh?" Shank retorted, chuckling as Johnny's face turned red. "Still haven't asked her out yet?"
Hearing that, Johnny leaned back into his chair and sighed.
"Not… just yet," he answered honestly. "Though I AM working on it."
"Glad to hear it," Shank replied. "Though if it does work out, just try to keep your hands off each other when you're supposed to be working."
Johnny, of course, couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at his employer's joke.
"I would have thought you'd be discouraging me, telling me to bail out on such things, sir," the Greaser commented honestly, much to Shank's surprise. "You know, 'cause coworkers being in a relationship can lead to problems and all that stuff."
This, however, only earned the Snake Demon a roll of Shank's eyes.
"Dude, we're in HELL. Workplace problems are commonplace here," the long-clawed Sinner pointed out, not liking being compared to some other stuffed shirt A-hole that would actually do such a thing. "If you two wanna hook up, have at it… besides, I got 200 riding on you."
Right… Shank was in on the betting pool too, though Johnny never realized he'd bet such a big number.
"Wait… to get the girl, or crash and burn?" Johnny thought aloud, much to Shank's amusement.
"Why spoil the surprise?" he chuckled, much to Johnny's annoyance. "Now, go on, get out of here, Casanova."
With nothing else left to say, Johnny gladly gave Shank a smile and a nod and made his way towards the door.
As soon as he stepped out of the room, however, he immediately found himself shocked to see a familiar face looking back at him with a sultry grin.
"Hey, Johnny," Desiree greeted with a sultry grin. "Everything go alright in there?"
"DES!?" Johnny exclaimed. "Were, uh… were you waiting out here for me?"
"Only for a few minutes," the Succubus replied with a playful shrug. "Anywho, Dom said you wanted to talk to me about something?"
As she had expected, Johnny's blush deepened at that remark.
"Of course she did…" he muttered, feeling the sudden urge to give a certain someone a stern talking to as soon as this particular conversation was over.
"So?" Desiree urged. "What is it?"
Despite feeling like he was being put on the spot, Johnny knew there was no turning back now. The idea was fresh in his mind, and now here he was alone with the girl of his dreams. If he didn't do this now, he might as well bet against himself in that betting pool.
"Well, Des…" he began. "We've been friends for a while, right?"
"Mhm," Desiree replied, loving every second of Johnny's bashful face as he tried to force his words out.
"But, the thing is…" Johnny continued, trying to find the right words to say only to once again feel the urge to stop himself. "You see, I was wondering if you wanted to… and god willing, if you DID want… tomorrow… unless you don't…"
Damn it! Why was this so fucking HARD!? Here he was, a guy who's beaten the crap out of countless dickheads for his job alone, pussing out of asking his crush out! NO! Not again, screw the pool and screw his anxiety, he can't go through this song and dance again!
"DES, WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME TOMORROW NIGHT!?"
…
"I'd love to."
FUCK! He blew it! Well, that's it! Might as well, pack up his shit and head to the nearest freeway to… wait…
"I'm sorry…" Johnny uttered, his jaw practically dropping to the floor as he tried to process Desiree's answer. "… say that again?"
Unable to keep herself from laughing, it took every ounce of willpower for the Succubus to keep a straight face as she repeated herself.
"I said I'd love to," she said honestly, giving Johnny the most genuine of smiles.
"R-really?" Johnny uttered, suddenly feeling the need to pinch himself to make sure this was real and not a wonderful dream. "You'd… you'd really like to go out with me?"
"Johnny… Do you have ANY idea how long I've waited for you to ask me?" Desiree retorted with a smirk. "The only other thing I gotta say is that it's about damn time."
Holy fuck, was this actually real!? Was Desiree really saying what he thought he was saying? If this was a dream then he sure as well never wanted to wake up from it. In fact, this revelation was so overwhelming, that Johnny's brain turned to mush for a brief moment.
"Bah…. Bah… Bah…" he goofily blurted out, once again giving Desiree cause to giggle.
"My shift ends at 7 tomorrow night," the Succubus pointed out, choosing to take the lead in this one. "Meet me by the front entrance around 8?"
Thankfully those words appeared to be enough to knock Johnny out of his stupor.
"I'll meet you anywhere you want!" he exclaimed, much to his sudden embarrassment.
"Good," Desiree giggled, booping Johnny on the snout before turning away. "I'll see you then, handsome."
Giving the Sinner one final wink as she walked down the stairs, giving him a good view of her butt on the way down, the Succubus couldn't help but feel extremely giddy. If she was being honest with herself, she was looking forward to this date as much as Johnny was. While she may put up a playful front and have slept with many partners over the years, what Johnny didn't know was that Desiree had her own crush she had kept secret from everyone else. What could she say? Johnny was a catch and a half as far as she was concerned.
Meanwhile, after Desiree had disappeared down the stairs, Johnny found himself in a state of shock, so much so that he didn't even notice when he too made his way down the stairs and back to the main floor. After that, he just seemed to stand in the middle of the floor with a blank expression on his face, almost as though he had suddenly become comatose. Of course, this didn't go unnoticed by many others in the room.
"Hey, Hell to Johnny!" One of the Imp waitresses spoke up, giving the Snake Sinner a quick poke to his side. "You okay there, buddy?"
That was all it took to snap Johnny back to reality… before a large Cheshire Cat grin spread across his face and he started hopping around like a happy bunny on meth.
"YES!" he yelled, the happy Sinner startling everyone within earshot and suddenly grabbing the Imp by the arm and pulling her into an abrupt dance number. "She said YES! WOOHOOHOOHOHOHO! EVERYBODY MAMBO!"
And so began what could only be described as Johnny's own personal happy hour.
"This is the best day of my afterlife! WOOHOO!"
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
The Featured Song: Parody of "The Happiness Hotel" - From the Movie: The Great Muppet Caper