I do
She had been sitting in the bathroom for nearly half an hour now. From the outside, it looked like she was just staring straight ahead, but actually having hundreds of thoughts and feelings flashing through her mind at full speed.
She looked down at her hands. She was still holding it tightly in her hands. As though to keep reminding her that this is in fact happening. Almost two months ago now. She remembered the day clearly. Or rather, the evening and the night that followed it. April 12th. She had done the math more or less twenty minutes ago. In January. Her baby will be born in January.
She had wanted this for years. Being pregnant. Expecting a baby. But she had envisioned the situation totally different. She was currently in a single, unemployed, pregnant state. Great.
She felt like dancing and breaking down at the same time. So she stayed in between. Sitting down on the bathtub.
"Mon?", she heard Rachel's voice followed by the closing of the front door. Quickly, Monica stood up and answered a quick 'In the bathroom' hoping that her voice didn't sound suspicious. She took the roll of toilet paper and started to wrap the pregnancy test inside. Tossing it in the bin, she flushed the toilet to give Rachel the impression that she had just peed. Which, technically, was not a lie, since she had had to pee on the stick. After having washed her hands, she exited the bathroom with the best poker face that she could possibly have.
"Can you believe Ross and Julie are going to get married in three days?", Rachel said, unpacking her work bag.
"Yeah, it's great", Monica said. She was happy for her big brother. After the divorce from Carol, he had been having a tough time. Now, she saw him being as happy, or even happier, with Julie.
"I found the perfect outfit today", Rachel began excitedly. Monica sat down at the kitchen table, "It came in today and it is a brand new collection, so it wasn't the cheapest, but since I have a forty per cent discount, it came down to a reasonable price", Rachel proceeded to take a deep blue jumpsuit out from a bag that was on the table, "Tadaa", she said proudly, holding the jumpsuit in front of her.
"It's so beautiful. I can't wait to see you wear it at the wedding", Monica said, carefully touching the fabric.
"Me too, I'm so excited", Rachel smiled broadly.
Rachel woke up from a noise from outside her bedroom. Her clock told her it was not even six thirty. Her alarm was set to go off in one hour and a half. She tried to turn around to go back to sleep, but the noise got even louder. Cranky that she had been woken up before her alarm, Rachel got out of bed and opened her door. There was light coming from the opened crack of the bathroom door. The noise came again and it was only now that she realized that it was someone throwing up. Worried, she hurriedly crossed the last couple of meters to the bathroom and gently pushed the door open.
Monica was sitting in front of the toilet, waiting for the next wave of vomit to come. "Oh, honey, are you okay?", Rachel went to Monica and sat next to her, trying to gather Monica's hair a bit for her so that they wouldn't be in her own vomit.
Monica shook her head at Rachel's question. "No, but don't worry, it's probably just stress or something", Monica tried to wave it away, "I'm probably going to be alright in a few-", before she could finish her sentence, the next wave of nausea hit her. Rachel rubbed her back, trying to be there for her.
"It would be a lot easier not to worry if you wouldn't be cut off in the middle of your sentence because of your own vomit", Rachel said.
"I'll be fine. Besides, I cater the wedding today. I can't miss it."
"Just know that I will be asking you how you feel like thirty times today", Rachel warned her.
Monica wanted to answer, but instead of words, it was another round of vomit coming out of her mouth.
Coming in side by side, Rachel wearing her jumpsuit with a V-neck and short - yet wide - sleeved, and Monica wearing a red dress that hugged her figure in all the right places. "You're sure you're okay?", Rachel asked for the 4th time already. She still had 26 times left and Monica was already rolling her eyes. "Yes, I'll be fine. Now go, I need to go to the kitchen to have everything ready", Monica shooed her away.
The reception was a big success. Monica had catered lunch to welcome everyone and, after the ceremony, she had catered dinner and a big dessert buffet and she had heard nothing but compliments. When she finally sat down next to Rachel to relax now that everything was done, the waiters came around for a last round of drinks. Feeling like she could use a drink, Monica took one from the tray.
"The wedding was beautiful, wasn't it?", Rachel asked, looking at the people dancing.
"It really was", Monica agreed. She lifted her glass and took a gulp. The moment the alcoholic drink touched her tongue, she realized the big mistake she had just made. With her mouth full, she tried to search for a solution. Not finding something better, she turned away from Rachel and let the drink go back into the glass from her mouth.
Rachel, wanting to ask how it went in the kitchen today, turned to Monica spewing out her drink. Then it all clicked. The bigger breasts, the headaches she had been having, the vomiting this morning and now this. She clapped her hand in front of her mouth.
"What? I didn't like the taste. No need to be so dramatic about it", Monica tried to cover it up.
"Mon", Rachel said in a whisper, leaning in more towards her, "Are you pregnant?"
Her eyes widened wide and Monica started to panic a bit. "What? Why would you say that?", she tried to keep her cool.
"Well, you have been having headaches, you vomited this morning and now you're spitting out your alcoholic drink", Rachel didn't want to admit that she had been checking Monica out while she was sick.
"Oh no", Monica buried her head in her hands.
"So?", Rachel asked, still not having had an answer.
"Yes", Monica said barely audible, but Rachel caught it.
"Do you want to go to a quieter spot?", Rachel asked. Monica nodded and they both stood up.
"When did you find out?", Rachel asked once they got to the now clean and quiet kitchen.
"Three days ago."
"And how do you feel?"
"I don't know. I wanted this for years. And now that I'm pregnant, it's like it couldn't be in a much worse situation. I don't have a job. I don't have a partner. I don't know how I will be able to do it. But I will try my best. I need to. For this baby, but also for me."
"It's okay to be scared. And I know that you're not in an ideal position, but you still have some time before the baby is there, so you can search for a job and you are an amazingly strong woman. I doubt strongly that that baby would miss a second parent, because the baby will have you as a mother."
"Thanks, Rach", Monica's eyes started to get wet. Rachel, seeing this, gave her friend a hug.
"How far along are you?", Rachel asked, too curious to keep the questions inside.
"Almost two months now", Monica said and Rachel immediately counted on her fingers.
"So it will be a January baby!", she said excitedly.
"Yeah", Monica smiled.
"And who is the biological father?", Rachel continued her questions.
"Matthew", she replied. As if that would explain everything.
"Matthew who?"
"Matthew The Doctor?", Monica tried. She didn't even know his last name.
"That's his last name or job?", Rachel asked sarcastically.
"Fine, I don't know his last name", Monica admitted.
"What? When did you meet this guy?"
"We met in a bar. I was sad and I wanted to move on, because you managed to move on so well and I wanted to prove to myself that I could do that too and then this guy ordered me a drink and he was handsome and kind and we talked for a long time and he ended up spending the night at our apartment. Or at that time, my apartment", Monica explained.
"You talked for a long time, but not once did you exchange last names?", Rachel asked.
"Apparently not. But anyway, in the morning he left a note that he wasn't looking for something serious and that was it."
"What a jerk", but Monica just shrugged, "Do you at least know at which hospital he works?"
"Yeah, he worked at the New York Presbyterian Hospital, but he relocated around a month and a half ago, but when we talked, he didn't know yet where. So he can be in any hospital in the US", Monica said.
"Ow, so it's actually impossible to find him again?", Rachel asked.
"Pretty much", Monica nodded, "But I don't really mind, to be honest. I mean, he was a good one-night stand, but I didn't feel like it could become more. So, I'm actually happy that it is impossible for me to find him, because this way I don't have to feel guilty about not telling him and he will never find out that he has a biological child."
"That's true. And you're sure you're going to keep the baby?", Rachel asked to be sure.
"Yes. It crossed my mind for a second, but I want the baby too much."
"My best friend is going to be a mom", Rachel said proudly and excitedly and hugged a broadly smiling Monica.
Tired from the big day that they had just had, Monica and Rachel entered their apartment. Rachel decided to take a quick shower before going to bed. She went to the bathroom and Monica changed into her pyjamas at the same time. Coming out of her bedroom, she walked to the bathroom and stopped in front of the door. "Rach, I'm going to put the earrings that I borrowed from you back in your jewellery box", she said and walked in the direction of Rachel's bedroom, not waiting for a response.
"Wait, wait!", Rachel tried, but the water from the shower and Monica being on her way already, made it useless. She turned off the shower and quickly put a towel around her, but by the time she opened the door of the bathroom, she saw that she was too late.
"Wha- why are there so many boxes in your room?", Monica said confused.
"I-", she tried to find a good excuse, but sighed, realizing that she would have to tell the truth, "There is something I need to tell you", Rachel said, walking to the couch and sitting down, patting the spot next to her for Monica.
"What is it?", Monica sat down on the couch.
"This big promotion at work? I applied for it", she said.
"Of course. It's an amazing opportunity. Why wouldn't you?", Monica didn't understand what Rachel tried to make clear.
"While that is, in fact, true, there was one thing that made me doubt whether to send my application or not", she looked down, not wanting to see Monica's face when she told her, "It's in Paris."
"What? You're moving to Paris?", she exclaimed.
Rachel nodded, keeping her head down.
"Oh", Monica didn't know what to say. Rachel was going to live on a whole other continent.
"But I promise I will come visit you and the baby and our friends as often as I can", Rachel looked up now, so that Monica could see that she really meant this.
"When do you leave?", Monica asked.
"Next week."
Monica's eyes widened. She was not prepared for this. Trying to process all of this, she just said "Okay".
"Look, I really don't like to leave you, but the thing is, I think it's the best for both of us. We have been trying to move on from each other for almost three years. I figured that, maybe, it would be easier to do so when we have actual distance between us. When I know that during dates there is no woman of my dreams already in my apartment. Maybe then I will finally succeed in getting through a first date without thinking of you", Rachel admitted.
"I understand", Monica knew exactly what she was feeling, "I'm really tired, so if you don't mind, I'm gonna head to bed, but we can talk about this tomorrow if you want."
"Okay, good night, Mon", she watched Monica walking to her bedroom. Sighing, she put her hands on her thighs and stood up. She went to the bathroom to put off the lights, which she had forgotten when she rushed outside, and went to her bedroom to get ready for bed.
Monica was tired, but she knew herself well by now. She would be wide awake for at least a few more hours thinking about what Rachel had just told her. She thought back to when she had broken up with Rachel. There was no future in their relationship. They couldn't have children because of stupid laws, nor get officially married. Now, however, even though the marriage law hadn't been changed, the children part had changed. She was pregnant now. And she was scared of doing this adventure alone. So why should she? Why couldn't she share this adventure with the person she trusted the most in the whole world? The person she loved more than anyone else.
She was unemployed and she was going to have to search for a job anyway. So why not a job in Paris? She had wanted to do an internship or something in France forever. A job would be even better.
The only thing that was stopping her was herself. And her parents who didn't support being gay at all. But right now, she was going to think about herself. And there was only one thing she wanted.
She threw the covers from her and stood up from her bed. Before she could change her mind, she went to Rachel's room. She knocked but didn't wait for an answer to come inside.
"Mon?", Rachel was also still awake and sat up slightly in bed.
"Okay, maybe this will sound crazy, but I will regret this for the rest of my life if I don't say this", Monica started, "Rachel, I want you to be a mom to this baby too. I want us to be together and to have this little family."
Rachel's mouth fell open. "I would love this more than anything, but I go to Paris in one week and-", she got interrupted before she could finish.
"Exactly. Let's move to Paris. Together. I can search for a job and we can have a cosy apartment where we can watch our child grow up. Rach, I love you more than anyone in the whole wide world. Please, we both tried to live without each other and we both felt it was impossible. And now, the situation couldn't be more perfect", Monica tried her hardest to convince Rachel, but what she didn't know, was that Rachel had been thinking about the exact same things. Rachel's mouth transformed slowly, but surely, into a broad smile.
"I would love to have a family with you in Paris", Rachel said softly, "And I love you too. So much. It's insane, really", she laughed slightly.
"Really?", Monica asked, relief already in her voice. She sat down on Rachel's matrass.
"Really. Do you want to know if I'm sure?", she asked, already leaning in.
Monica nodded slightly, but her attention was already fully on Rachel's lips who seemed so close, but too far away at the same time. When their lips met, it was like the very first time. The feeling was indescribable. Monica's hand came up and when it made contact with Rachel's neck she pulled her closer to her. Rachel reached out to Monica's waist and pulled her on top of her. Wanting to have her as close as possible. And even that wasn't close enough.
When they both needed air, they just admired each other's faces. In the way that they both had longed to do for years, but tried to hide, because they didn't want to confuse the other. It felt so good to be able to hold each other like this again.
"You know, we are going to have to explain all of this to our friends. How are we ever going to do this", Rachel said.
"Yeah, we're going to have to make flashcards and a timeline or something to explain everything properly", Monica snickered.
"I can't believe I can finally love you again like I've longed to love you for years now", Rachel said, still trying to remind herself that this isn't another of her many dreams where she and Monica would still be together.
"Me too", Monica traced Rachel's nose softly, "Do you have to work tomorrow?", she asked suggestively.
"Yes, but not until after noon", Rachel said, "Why?", she asked with a smirk, knowing exactly why her girlfriend was asking this.
"Because I want to make love to my girlfriend."
Voila voila