Chapter 8
It didn't take long for Frank Burns to make a nuisance out of himself once more. He heard that Major Charles Winchester the Third was his replacement and was from a wealthy family with influence and thus, Frank figured he should make friends with Charles as he saw dollar signs. Frank was scheming for a way to win back Margaret and he thought if he was wealthy that would be a plus and he could buy Margaret's affection. Frank didn't care about the report or about how the MASH unit seemed to have done far better without him. He only cared about one thing, Margaret Houlihan. It wasn't love and Frank knew it. It was an obsession. A deep rooted obsession to win back what he lost. He was now back at the 4077th with the ability to take as much time as he wished and best of all he didn't actually have to do anything. The whole task of writing a flowery report on the star doctor would take a whole five minutes to Frank's estimation and thus he pushed back the interview with Captain Barns. He was in no hurry to write his report or make recommendations for how to improve other MASH units. He was back and Margaret Houlihan was in his sights.
Frank emerged from the VIP tent for dinner. He casually walked over to the mess tent to gather his dinner and make another attempt to mend his relationship with Margaret. He walked into the tent, made his way through the line and then turned with his tray in hand and found Margaret sitting with the star doctor much to his dismay. He approached the table. "Major. Captain." he smiled eerily pleasant.
Margaret snorted, "What do you want, Frank?"
"I was going to join you two for dinner." He then took a seat at the table.
She huffed, "I'm trying to study my lines for a play the camp is putting on, Frank. I don't have time to entertain you. This is a big role. I'm the lead."
"I can help. I'm in the play too." he informed.
"What?" she gasped. "The play isn't until the end of the month."
"I'm here all month." he beamed. "I got free reign to write up the report. All I need to do is a five minute interview with the Captain here," he motioned towards Frankie, "and write a brief summary. That will take what? Ten minutes."
Frankie asked, "What part do you have in the play, Colonel Burns?"
"I don't know yet." he admitted. "Father Mulcahy hasn't told me yet."
She smirked, "I got just the part for you. Malvolio!"
Margaret balked, "That's a big role."
"He's got time." she smirked for the role suited Frank Burns just fine. It was a mirror image of the conniving man. A conniving character was more than suited in Frankie's estimation.
"I got time." Frank cheered. He then looked upon Frankie, "You're kind of young." he noticed.
She wasn't all that young. She was just a woman in disguise. She pinched her lips together hoping he didn't pay too much attention to her.
"He's well educated, Frank. He's a bit younger than the rest of the doctors here but that's because he had early schooling." she excused.
Frank looked at Frankie sitting as quiet as a mouse. She dare not say anything to draw attention. "Huh." he noticed something was off but couldn't tell what.
Next into the mess tent and much to Frankie's relief was Klinger sporting a little red dress and high heels. He held a blue jacket in his arms. He came over to the table looking for Frankie to show her the costume he made.
"Frankie!" he cheered happy.
Frank Burns huffed, "You are out of uniform, Corporal." He stood up ready to write the man up for the infraction.
He looked at Colonel Burns. "Are you going to give me that section eight, Colonel?"
"Of course not." he huffed annoyed.
Frankie came to Klinger's rescue. She stood up, "Colonel. The Corporal is modeling a dress for the play at my request. He's in charge of the costumes." It was a complete lie but her goal was to sooth the situation.
Margaret bit her bottom lip as she knew Frankie was covering for Klinger, a man she often yelled at herself.
Klinger smirked at Frank. "That's right…Colonel." He huffed with distain. "I'm in charge of costumes." He then ignored Frank and held up the blue jacket. "What ya think? Since we are tweaking the play to be set during the Civil War, I thought I would start with the Major's costume when she's in disguise."
"Looks good." she nodded. "Try it on, Margaret." she urged.
Margaret stood up and removed her green jacket. She then placed the blue jacket that Klinger made over her green t-shirt. She had to admit, it fit rather well. "Wow Klinger. You are good tailor. This fits like a glove."
Frankie grinned, "I know, right! He's a great tailor. I should hire him to make all my clothes."
Frank whined, "Margaret."
She shot him a look, "What Frank?"
"Don't encourage this kind of behavior." he pleaded.
She grew angry at him. She huffed, "With all due respect, Colonel…Shove it."
He stood shocked, "Margaret!" he pleaded like a baby.
"Let's you and I get one thing straight, Frank. I am not going back to you. I have moved on." she stated.
He smirked back, "I know for a fact that you and Donald are separating. He told me so." He thought for sure he had her now.
She stood flustered, "You spoke to Donald?"
"We're friends!" he beamed. "So," he glanced around. "Who is your new boyfriend now, Margaret?"
"You low life…" she caught herself. She wanted to slap the man across the face. She clenched her fist ready to hit him and thus end her career in the process.
Frankie saw the fist clenching and just how angry Margaret was growing. She stood up and told another bold face lie. "She's with me!" she stated.
Klinger believed it and stood wide-eyed.
Margaret took a deep breath as she knew Frankie was trying to protect her from Frank's advances.
Frank cranked his head and looked at Frankie. "With you! Seriously!"
Margaret went with the story. She stepped forward. "That's right Frank. I'm seeing Captain Barns." She placed herself right beside Frankie and tried very hard to seem convincing. She turned towards Frankie, grabbed her face and kissed her right on the lips just to get even with Frank Burns.
Frankie stood, shoulders slunk and hands at her side, wondering just how far into the lie she could sink.
Frank was shocked. "You! With that little pipsqueak?" he huffed in doubt.
Margaret barked, "He's more of a man than you will ever be."
"Um…" Frankie stood in regret.
"Fine!" Frank huffed and then stormed out of the tent.
Margaret turned and faced Frankie. "Thank you." she sighed relieved.
"Welcome." was all she could say.
Klinger stated, "I should have known you two were together. You are so much alike and all. Captain Barns is a way better choice than Colonel Burns, Major."
Margaret crossed her arms and gave a nod, "He is! Now are you done, Klinger?"
"Just need to take the jacket for costumes." he motioned.
Margaret removed the blue jacket, handed it to Klinger and then placed on her uniform jacket.
"Great!" Klinger stated. "I'll let you know when the trousers are ready for fitting." He then turned and walked out of the mess tent to put the jacket away.
Margaret looked at Frankie. "You think you can be my boyfriend for a month?"
"Um…" she wasn't sure if she could pull the act off.
"Just until Frank leaves." she told her. "Think of it as a roll in a play." she urged.
"I suppose." she winced.
Margaret then gave her a supporting hug. "Thank you so much." she whispered. "Frank is after me. I'm not sure I could control myself and stay away from him. He knows all about how bad things are with Donald."
"I got your back." she assured and hugged her in return.
"Thank you." she replied graciously.
Swamp
Frankie returned to the swamp after dinner. She found BJ and Hawkeye waiting as Charles was making rounds with the patients. She let out a deep sigh upon stepping inside. "I met Colonel Burns at dinner."
BJ looked up from his cot. "Did he see through your disguise?"
She shook her head. "No! It's worse than that."
Hawkeye asked, "He thinks you're a homosexual."
She shook her head again. "Worse."
The two men traded glances. BJ asked, "What could be worse?"
Frankie stated, "He think's I'm Major Houlihan's lover."
The pair paused for a moment rather confused.
"How did that happen?" BJ asked.
Frankie waved her arms. "I don't know. It all happened so fast." She went to her cot and plopped down. "Burns is a real jerk. Margaret and I are going over the play and eating dinner when he comes over to us and starts harassing her. He says he spoke to Donald and he knows Margaret is separated from him. They are going to get a divorce. So, this guys starts pressuring her to see him. I mean what a complete ass. He was harassing her to the point she was ready to hit him. She had her fist clenched and ready to swing and if she had hit him, he could have ruined her. So, I told him she was with me. I was trying to get him off of her and stop pressuring her to see him. Then Margaret went along with it. Told him that we were together and then kissed me right in front of him. Klinger saw it too. He was showing me a jacket that he made for the play. It turns out Burns will be here a whole month and got himself a part in the play. Not only is Burns nuts but he's also vindictive and harassing Margaret." She shook her head, "I don't know what to do."
Hawkeye asked, "Margaret kissed you?"
"It was to convince Burns that she had someone and to leave her alone." she explained.
He miffed, "She could have kissed me."
"I wish you were there. You would have known how to handle Burns. He knows how to press Margaret's buttons and he can really get on your nerves." she assessed.
Hawkeye had to asked, "So…what's it like to be kissed by another girl?"
"It wasn't French kissing. There was no tongue." she told him. "It was like being kissed by an ex boyfriend or your creepy grandpa."
Hawkeye's shoulder's slunk. "So much for that fantasy."
She smirked, "What? You got a three way going in your head with me and Margaret?"
"What hot blooded boy doesn't?" he asked innocently.
She decided to ruin is fantasy. "How about me, Margaret and Klinger in a three way?"
Hawkeye shook his finger at her. "Now whose sick?"
BJ shivered at the thought. "That's scary."
Frankie asked, "What do we do about Colonel Burns? That guy is going to drive me nuts. Rarely, do I instantly not like someone that I just met. But I don't like him at all."
Hawkeye asked, "Not a member of the Frank Burns Eats Worms fan club?"
She cocked her head, "Frank Burns Eats Worms?"
BJ explained, "You put a little pressure on Frank and he pops like a balloon."
She asked, "How do I do that?"
BJ smirked, "Give him a part in the play. And when he's trying his best to get back into Margaret's arms, play some tricks on him. He can't take any pressure. He doesn't have to operate or take care of patients here. He's going to bother us for a month. You need to keep him occupied and out of our hair."
"I already gave him a part in the play. The Duchess's butler who wants to marry her so he can be a Duke." she stated.
Hawkeye grinned, "The conniving butler for the conniving Colonel. I like it."
Charles walked into the tent next as he was released from rounds. He stood in the door way and let out a slow deep exhale. His fist were clenched and he was trying to calm himself.
Hawkeye asked, "You okay, Charles?"
"I just ran into that buffoon of a Colonel on the way back to the tent." he referred to Frank Burns.
BJ asked, "What did he want?"
"Stock market tips and any information I had on Margaret and Frankie." he informed as he calmed himself. He looked at Frankie. "What happened in the mess tent?"
She explained, "Margaret and I were having dinner and going over the play. Burns comes in and focuses right in on Margaret and starts harassing her. He was trying to pressure her into taking him back. Said he knew her husband and knew they were having problems. She told him to leave her alone but he would not. She tried to deflect him by saying she already had someone. He didn't believe her and was pressuring her to the point that I thought she was going to hit him. So, I told him she was seeing me. Margaret went along with it to get him to back off."
Hawkeye sung, "And then she kissed me." He gave a grin to Frankie.
Charles looked at Hawkeye, "Frankie kissed you?"
He shook his head. "Margaret planted one of Frankie."
"What?" he looked at Frankie.
"She thinks I'm a man and she was trying to get Colonel Burns off her case." she reminded him. "I don't know what Margaret ever saw in him in the first place."
Charles agreed, "I have been asking myself that same question. What did she see in him?"
Hawkeye shrugged, "Never understood that one myself."
Frankie agreed, "I don't get it either. If I were Margaret, I would go for someone like Charles. Someone educated, sophisticated, competent, likes classical music, knows sailing, plays chess and intelligent."
Charles beamed, "Oh." He blushed as he never realized Frankie thought so highly of him. "Someone like me." he blushed.
She nodded, "You are heads and shoulders above Frank Burns." she stated in comparison. "Shave your head and grow a beard and you will be ever so distinguished."
He paused, "Shave my head and grow a beard?"
She nodded, "Bald guys look good with beards."
Hawkeye mocked, "Or grow it long real long, Charles and wear it in a ponytail."
Frankie nodded, "That could work too."
Charles retorted, "The issue at hand is Colonel Burns. Not my lack of hair."
BJ stated, "He will be here a whole month and has a part in the play."
"No!" Charles replied shocked.
"Yup!" he confirmed.
"That man will drive the camp insane." he insisted.
Hawkeye smirked, "Unless we can drive him insane first." He looked to Frankie. "We got a secret weapon."
Frankie asked, "What?"
"You can be two different people. Remember that idea Charles had about you being a nurse and a doctor?" he asked.
"There is no way we can pull that off." she told him. "The whole camp would have to go along with it. I would be exposing myself."
BJ assured, "The whole camp will go along with it if it means getting rid of Frank Burns."
She feared, "I would have to tell Colonel Potter the truth and he will have me tossed in the brig."
BJ countered, "He was willing to look the other way when he thought you were a homosexual. I bet he would help you."
Hawkeye stated, "Margaret did say if they got just one woman doctor in that it would force the Army to change the policy." He looked at her, "You can force the army to change its policy and allow in women doctors. Isn't that what you wanted in the first place?"
"Yes," she agreed. "But I snuck in. They will kill me."
Charles assured, "No one is going to kill you and you have my family's backing and blessing. Not to mention your own family is well off. If you need legal representation, the Winchesters will provide it for you."
"You're whole family is willing to back me on this?" she asked surprised.
"Yes! I have seen it first hand." he confirmed. "The Army needs women doctors too."
"Okay then." she agreed with a deep breath. "But you guys need to back me up when I go to Colonel Potter."
"Whole heartedly and fully." Charles promised.
Hawkeye assured, "We got your back, Frankie."
BJ assured, "We are right behind you."
"I appreciate it." she replied unsure if it was the right thing to do.