Aki Hits the Ice! A No-Holds-Barred Skate-Off!

VOICE CAST:
MARK HILDRETH as Akimitsu "Aki" Kurohitsuji
MYRIAM SIROIS as Akane
IAN JAMES CORLETT as Mikado Sanzenin
CATHY WESELUCK as Azusa Shiratori, Sayuri
SARAH STRANGE as Ranma Saotome
VENUS TERZO as Ranko
MICHAEL DOBSON as Kenma Saotome
ROBERT O. SMITH as Genma
WILLOW JOHNSON as Kasumi
ANGELA COSTAIN as Nabiki, Yuka
TERRY KLASSEN as Daisuke
DAVID KAYE as Hiroshi
and guest starring
DAVID ERRIGO, Jr. as Mr. Mxyzptlk

It was a warm, sunny afternoon in Nerima, and Akane and Aki were spending it at the Municipal Sports Center.

The youngest Tendo daughter was no slouch when it came to skating, and neither was Aki; of course, having played hockey for three years, he was pretty good on the ice.

So it didn't come as much of a surprise when Akane's friends Yuka and Sayuri approached them both about joining the skating club.

"You guys think we should join the skate club?" asked Akane.

"C'mon, Akane, it'll be fun," pressed Sayuri.

"I bet you'll be really good at it!" chimed in Yuka.

Aki rubbed his chin in contemplation. "Tell you what, how about we think about it?" he suggested. Before Yuka and Sayuri could respond, Akane suddenly got to her feet.

"Oh, no! I knew I forgot something!" she exclaimed. "I left Wilbur in the rink!"

"You brought your pet pig to an ice rink?" Yuka asked in shock.

"Why would you do that in the first place?" Sayuri queried.

"Well, I kept trying to get him to stay home," said Akane. "But after Aki decided to come with me, Wilbur insisted on coming along. Maybe he's trying to protect me or something."

"Protect you?" blurted Sayuri, incredulous. "Who's he think he is, Lassie?"

"Yeah. I mean, what could a little piglet do to protect someone?" Yuka chimed in.

"I tried to tell her," Aki dejectedly said to the girls. "But you know how Akane gets when she's like this."

"Your future kids are gonna run circles around her." Sayuri stated as Yuka nodded, as Aki blushed red.

Me and Akane…as parents?! he thought to himself. I admit…that would be pretty neat…

Out on the rink, the little porker in question was glancing around, trying to keep himself upright as skaters glided past him. Because as anybody will tell you, trotters aren't exactly made for ice-skating.

Gah! Where's Akane?! I need to find her fast and protect her, who knows what that vile Akimitsu is doing to her at this very— Wilbur said, but since he was a pig, it only came out as tiny squeals and oinks for anyone hearing him, as his delusional imagination ran wild on what he thought they were doing.

In reality, Akane was looking for Wilbur while Aki was being teased about his crush on Akane by her friends.

As Wilbur struggled to make his way across the ice, he was suddenly accosted by a new individual; it was a doe-eyed, fluffy-haired brunette girl in a pink bow and outfit.

"C'mon, Charlotte…be good and come home with Azusa~!" the girl cooed in a cutesy voice.

First it was 'Wilbur', now it's 'Charlotte'...has EVERYONE just read E.B. White lately?! thought the little swine as he began to scurry away.

…well, he began, and he tried to scurry away, but again, he was on the ice and didn't get far...then the brunette girl leaned down and popped him in the head with a little mallet, which she had labeled "Marianne".

"Oh Charlotte, I'm gonna hug you, and pet you, and squeeze you, and love you for-ever~!" Azusa giggled, as she plucked up her porcine prize.

While he might have been unconscious, Wilbur did feel a sudden chill go through his body. He would later classify it as "The Willies".

Meanwhile…

At the Meteor Pharmacy, Ranma and Kenma were enjoying some peace and quiet as they didn't go with Akane and Aki on their "date" at the ice rink. As they enjoyed a nice meal, they ran into Hiroshi and Daisuke and had a nice chat with their friends/students.

"So, are you gonna introduce us, or what?" asked Hiroshi.

"We promise we'll never make her unhappy!" added Daisuke.

"Guys, you already know that Ranko and Ranma are the same person," explained Kenma. "Remember when I mentioned it at the rhythmic gymnastics competition?"

Hiroshi rolled his eyes. "Nobody remembers that," he replied. "It went on so long that everyone decided to collectively push it outta their brains!"

"What Gymnastics event?" Daisuke asked as he proved Hiroshi's point.

"...oh," commented Ranma. "Well, to sum it up, she's basically our sister. She don't come around too often unless the situation calls for it."

"And considering all the perverts around Nerima…we wanna keep it that way!" Kenma added as there were too many perverts around town. And they were stuck with the worst one of all living with them at the Tendo Dojo, all because the so-called fathers were too gutless to stand up to him.

Which is ironic, considering Genma's got PLENTY of gut, which he feeds on a regular basis.

Suddenly, the doors of the establishment burst open, and in raced Akane, followed by Aki. "RANMA!"

"Oh come on, I didn't even do anything this time!" Ranma yelled back in defense and out of habit. As Akane stormed up to him, to reveal her crying face.

"W-Wilbur's gone missing!" Akane cried as tears fell down her face.

"...doesn't he get lost all the time?" Kenma asked. It raised a very good point as this wasn't the first time the piglet went missing or got lost, only for Ryoga to miraculously show up a minute or so later…or show up a week later after getting lost.

"It's different this time," Aki replied, before he explained. "We were at the rink when Akane forgot about Wilbur on the ice. We went looking, but some people said they saw someone take a black piglet with them out of the rink."

Ranma lightly rubbed his chin before he noticed something nearby. "Did the kidnap victim have any distinguishing features?" he asked.

"You know what he looks like!" Akane sniffed. "Don't make fun of me!"

"Who's making fun?" asked Kenma, pointing to the side. Standing there was Azusa, from the rink, with Wilbur in her arms.

"W-Wilbur?" Akane gasped as she saw the piglet in another woman's arms, causing him to come to.

Wilbur woke up and saw Akane look at him with tears in her eyes. "AKANE! This isn't what it looks like, I'm not cheating on you! Honest!" he squealed out, again forgetting no one understands pig and misunderstanding why Akane was crying.

Azusa held the piglet away from Akane's grip. "Go away! Who are you?" she asked. "This is Azusa's widdle Charlotte!"

Akane blanched. "'Charlotte'? Don't be stupid, his name's Wilbur!" she retorted. "Does he look like a spider to you?!"

"You're wrong!" Azusa replied. "Azusa knows her little Charlotte when she sees her!"

"And I know my Wilbur when I see him, now give him back before I get really mad!" Akane hissed, as a fiery aura surrounded her.

Ranma and Kenma took a few steps back, knowing exactly what it felt like to be on the receiving end of Akane's rage.

Before anything drastic or destructive happened, a newcomer came up from behind Azusa and took Wilbur out of her grasp. This one was a brown-haired young man with smoldering, navy-blue eyes.

Yuka blushed and covered her mouth. "...what a dreamboat…" she gushed.

"I'll say…" commented Sayuri.

Ranma, Kenma, Akimitsu, Hiroshi and Daisuke all collectively rolled their eyes. Oh, brother…

"Please accept my humble apology," said the handsome young man as he handed Wilbur back to Akane.

"Oh…well, thank you," Akane responded to this newcomer as Azusa glowered in irritation.

"You'll have to excuse my partner," the brunette boy said as he sat down at a nearby table. "See, she has a nasty little hobby of collecting things."

"Gimme back my widdle Charlotte!" whined Azusa as she beat her fists against his head. "Gimme back my widdle Charlotte!"

"...so when she finds something cute, even if it doesn't belong to her…"

"Gimme back my widdle Charlotte!" Azusa shouted as she started smacking the boy with a plate. "Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!"

"...she gives them some silly French name and takes them home with her," the young man finished as Daisuke and Hiroshi looked on.

"Isn't that illegal?" Hiroshi asked.

"Yes, yes it is." Daisuke answered.

"That girl is suffering from a crazy case of kleptomania." Kenma stated as all the guys nodded.

"Good thing we're not interested in her!" Daisuke and Hiroshi exclaimed in unison. "We'd rather go for someone more down-to-Earth, like Ranko!"

"...and she intended to do the same with your pet pig," finished the young man as Azusa lifted an entire chair over her head, and began bashing her partner in the skull with it.

"GIMME CHARLOTTE! GIMME CHARLOTTE! GIMME CHARLOTTE! GIMME CHARLOTTE! GIMME CHARLOTTE! GIMME CHARLOTTE! GIMME CHARLOTTE! GIMME CHARLOTTE!"

WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!

WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!

WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!

Getting to his feet, the young man, the surface of whose scalp was now peppered with lump after lump, rounded on his female counterpart. "WILL YOU ACT YOUR AGE ALREADY, YOU INSUFFERABLE, WHINING BRAT?!" he screamed as Azusa was lifting up a table to hit him with.

As if on cue, Azusa began to cry. "Mikado, why are you yelling at me? You know how sensitive I am."

"YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!" shouted the boy, apparently named 'Mikado'.

Azusa wiped her tears, and then turned towards Akane. "If you're not gonna gimme back my widdle piggy-wiggy…then I challenge you!" she spat.

Akane raised an eyebrow. "So you want to fight me?" she asked.

Azusa scoffed. "Don't be so barbaric!" she retorted. "I'm talking about figure-skating!" she said as she held up a pair of magenta-colored ice skates.

"...skating?" commented Akane.

"You do know how to skate, don't you?" asked Azusa. "If Azusa wins, then you gimme back my Charlotte!"

Just then, Yuka snapped her fingers in realization. "Now I remember where I've seen them!" she exclaimed. "These two make up the legendary 'Golden Pair' of Kolkhoz High School, the champions of freestyle skating!"

Aki nodded in agreement. "The girl's name is Azusa Shiratori—you already know her whole deal," he continued. "And the guy's name is Mikado Sanzenin. He fancies himself as a dashing prince charming on a white horse sort…but he's very well-known around the girls. As for WHY that is…I'll let you draw your own conclusions."

"Will someone please order something?" asked one of the guys working the counter at the food portion of the pharmacy.

"Akane, maybe you should cancel the match," said Sayuri.

"Yeah," nodded Yuka. "These two have won 950 consecutive matches in a row! They're the best of the best!"

But Akane wouldn't back down. "So what if they are?" she remarked. "I won't back down!"

"Can you find it in your heart to forgive my partner's rudeness?" asked Mikado as he approached Akane. "As a token of my apology…"

He cupped Akane's cheeks in his hands, and leaned in, puckering his lips, completely unknowing of Akane's rising anger. But before he could make impact…something else made impact with his cheek.

It was a fish-cake, or a naruto. Peeling it from his cheek, Mikado glanced at it…and then he glanced in the direction it had come from. Standing there was Akimitsu, glaring poison-tipped daggers at him.

"Hey, mister pretty-boy," he spat, the words like acid on his tongue. "I don't take kindly to guys who try to kiss my girlfriend, especially when her boyfriend is right here."

"I see I've been offered a challenge…and I accept," said Mikado. "The match shall be held one week from today, at the Kolkhoz High School skating rink. You can skate, can't you?"

"You're talking to someone who's been playing hockey for 3 years!" Aki responded. "Might as well be askin' Godzilla if he can shoot atomic flames!"

"Well then, I guess we'll just have to see how you fare against Mikado Sanzenin." the pretty boy replied.

"Great. Where is he?" Akimitsu said in an incredibly snide tone, making Kenma chuckle. He'd done something similar a few months ago during his Nekonron, China adventure.

"Smart-ass," scoffed Mikado. "Come on, Azusa, let's go."

As they left, Azusa turned to Akane and stuck her tongue out, then turned to Aki and gave him a wink before leaving.

"I really didn't like the look of that guy, Akane," grumbled Aki. "Especially how he tried to kiss you without your consent."

"It's alright, Aki," said Akane. "Besides, it's a good thing you stepped in. If he DID get any closer, I'd have made his dentist very rich." she punctuated this statement with a squeeze of her fist.

"Ha! That's the spirit, but I don't think you'd need to go too far." the hockey player said.

Later, back at the Dojo…

"You got into a skating match because of that pig?" Nabiki asked, her sardonic tone belying the disbelief she felt that an argument could be generated because of something so stupid.

"Of course, Nabiki. Wilbur must've been so scared out there, just dying for me to rescue him." Akane replied with genuine, yet unwarranted concern.

Suddenly, as if it were planned, Ryoga walked in the doorway.

"And speaking of pigs..." Ranma said rather nonchalantly. Were this a sitcom, the studio audience would've cracked up on that line.

"What up, Porky Pig, where's the Lost Boy coming from this time?" Kenma smirked as he teased Ryoga.

"Shut the hell up!" Ryoga countered.

"Hey. Don't get mad at me, man," shrugged Kenma. "Get mad at the jerk who's making your maps."

"Let me skate with you, Akane!" declared Ryoga as he sat down. "I'd be happy to be your figure-skating partner!"

"But Charlotte, how ever would you know about the skating competition?" asked Ranma.

"Shaddap!" Ryoga snapped as he smacked Ranma. "Who're you calling Charlotte?"

"Yeah!" Kenma added. "He prefers to be called 'Wilbur'! Does he look like a spider to you?"

"I'm sorry, Ryoga, but I'm already paired up with Akimitsu," informed Akane.

"Besides, do you even know how to skate?" Aki asked, catching Ryoga off-guard.

"Oooo~!" Nabiki exclaimed with the most smug of smiles.

"W-well, of course I do! Do you know how to skate, Akimitsu?" the bandana-wearing boy asked with a heavy blush.

"Uh, yes," Aki replied. "I was the star of the school hockey team for the past 3 years."

"Well, lemme tell you something. Back in my old school, they used to call me 'The Iceman'".

"Didn't they call you 'The Iceman' after your dumb ass somehow got lost in the school freezer over the weekend?" Ranma questioned as their middle school never made Ryoga forget that incident.

"Oh, yeah! Everyone was razzing him for weeks about that!" Kenma commented.

"...okay?" asked Aki. "I dunno what that has to do with skating, but whatever."

"You'll see, when we get on the ice."

The next day, at the ice rink of the Sports Center…

Ryoga rented a pair of skates and got ready to head out onto the ice.

I'll show him for sure! he thought as he stepped onto the ice, only to slip—ZWIP!—and fall backwards.

KLONNNN~G!

"Kinda wobbly, aren't ya?" quoted Aki as he skated with ease across the frozen surface.

"Hey! Shut up!" Ryoga shouted as he tried to get up, but slipped again, and fell right on his ass.

"Ha-ha!" laughed a little boy as he skated by. "First time, huh? Maybe I oughta teach ya!"

"Hahaha! Maybe you oughta learn how to crawl before you can stand, Ryoga!" Ranma taunted.

"You shut your mouth, Ranma!" snapped Ryoga angrily. "I bet you can't skate either!"

"Maybe," said Ranma smugly. "But I'm not the one out on the ice, tripping over myself and falling on my ass."

The bandana-wearing boy then stuck his tongue out at Ranma.

"Stuck your tongue at me all you want, Pal," shrugged Ranma. "Doesn't change the fact that you suck. So neener-fuckin'-neener."

"You know, it probably wouldn't hurt to learn how to skate." Kenma pointed out as this was a new challenge for the brothers. "I mean, what if some moron attacked us in the winter and it's icy?"

"Maybe," shrugged Ranma. "But this ain't our plot to get mixed up in. Anyways, making fun of Ryoga has made me quite peckish. I'm gonna go get some chow."

"Can you get me something while you're up too?" Kenma asked his brother.

"Ten-four, good buddy," Ranma replied as he got up and went. Of course, Ranma didn't have much money at the moment, so he had to make a stop in the bathroom. One splash of cold water later, and Ranko was on her way to charm some freebies out of the food vendor.

Meanwhile on the ice, Aki and Akane were doing some practicing, trying to make sure they were in sync on the ice with each other. And at the moment, they seemed to be in step with the other.

"Wow, you really are good at skating, Aki," Akane said as she followed his lead and was in sync.

"Thank you, I have no idea why everyone keeps doubting my skills," Aki stated. "I was on the Hockey team for years, even went to regionals."

"And you won?" Akane asked.

"No, we got halfway through the tournament before we got bumped out. It was the best team in the region, so it wasn't that bad of a loss." Aki informed his crush as they came to an end and he held her hand.

Akane blushed again at their conversation. It was weird for her, she never had such a nice talk with a boy before Aki came to town. Before it was always "Akane, fight me!" or "I'll make you mine, Akane!". With Aki, he just really wanted to get to know her and have fun. She could really feel like a real girl with him and not some sort of prize to be won.

However, the moment didn't last long as someone bumped into Akane and made her fall to her knees. "Gah! What the hell?" She turned to see who knocked her over, and glared at her future opponent, Azusa.

"Oopsie, did I do that?" Azusa asked innocently.

"You did that on purpose!" Akane accused the skater as Aki placed a hand on her shoulder.

"I did not, you big meanie!" Azusa stated back. However she was interrupted when she noticed something on the ice behind them. "Aw, it's my widdle Charlotte! You came back to mommy!"

"What?" Akane and Akimistu asked before turning around to see Wilbur on the ice…with an ice skate stuck on his head for some reason.

"W-wilbur?" Akane was shocked to see her pet pig out alone on the ice.

"How did he get wet in the middle of an ice rink?" Aki asked in confusion, not understanding how this happened. Luckily, Akane didn't hear it as she rushed to get to Wilbur.

Apparently Ryoga left the rink earlier to wash up, and tripped over the janitor's water bucket.

As Akane tried to reach Wilbur, she was grabbed by another person. She was about ready to elbow him so hard, she would break a rib or something else important when she saw it was Mikado.

"No need to fear, miss, I saved you from going out of control," Mikado said in a princely voice as he was trying to act suave.

"I wasn't out of control, you idiot!" Akane said as she hit him in the gut, making him hunch over in pain. "I was trying to save my pet pig!"

Akane turned around to see she was too late as Azusa scooped Wilbur into her arms. "There, there, Charlotte. Mommy's here to keep you safe." Asuza talked in a sweet tone as Wilbur flailed in her arms before he got a pink collar placed around his neck.

"There; with this, now you definitely belong to me." She giggled as Wilbur went pale at this.

"Hey!" Akane shouted. "You can't just do that!"

"Too bad, I just did~" Azusa mocked with a wink and sticking out her tongue.

"You literally stole her pet in a public place, what's to stop us from calling the cops on you?" Aki asked as he was ready to get the authorities on the line for this.

"Now why would the cops get involved in the price of our skating match?" Azusa returned the question with another one.

"Besides," Mikado added, finally catching his breath after that hard elbow he got. "We have to practice for the fight right now."

Before anyone could do anything else, a group of 100 hockey players surrounded the four of them, all wearing goalie masks (unlike Aki's, since his mask looked much cooler than theirs).

Mikado skated to another person with Wilbur/Charlotte and handed it to them. "Please keep this little pig safe, intern."

"I don't get paid enough to deal with these two." the aforementioned intern grumbled as they skated to the edge of the rink where it was safest.

"Now time to practice the Assault of 100 Foes." Azusa said with fierce determination.

"Assault? In Figure-Skating?" Akane asked in disbelief.

"Hockey I can understand, but since when does Figure Skating have fighting people in it? Did I miss a new rule or what?" Aki asked as he scratched his head on that one.

At the drop of a hat, the masked hockey players all charged at the Golden Pair, only to be hit hard several times in a flurry of coordinating strikes of kicks and punches. It was like watching a normal fight on the ice with hard blows that knocked every hockey hooligan down like they were leaves in the wind.

"...96, 97, 98, 99…and 100!" Mikado stated simply as he caught Azusa with ease in his arms like they were performing a routine move.

The intern stopped the stopwatch they had in their hand before seeing the time. "9 seconds, that seems to be a new best."

"We could've done better." Mikado cockily stated as he fixed his hair.

"What the hell just happened?" Aki asked anyone who could listen.

"That was the Golden Pair in action," the intern stated to the hockey player. "You do know what you're up against in your Martial Arts Skating Competition, right?"

"Martial Arts?!" Akane was in disbelief in that knowledge.

"I thought this was a normal skating competition! What is it with this fucking town and throwing Martial Arts into every-damn-thing?!" Akimitsu yelled out in frustration.

"Thank you! Someone else who knows my pain!" Kenma shouted from the stands.

"Did he say martial arts?" asked Ranko, her eyes darting wildly. "I swear he said martial arts! It sounded like it…"

"No, Ranma," said Kenma, patting his brother. "Just calm down."

Azusa skated effortlessly over to the attendant holding Wilbur and plucked the piglet from his hands. "Didja see mommy Azusa out there, Charlotte? Didja? Didja?" she cooed at her prize giddily.

"I don't care how good you two are!" remarked Akane. "Akimitsu and I don't intend to lose, especially not to you!"

"That's for sure; you've got a lot of nerve, harassing young girls who want to live their dreams of being the next Michelle Kwan!" Aki declared, glaring daggers at Mikado. "I'm the hockey player who slapshots in the name of justice! I am Akimitsu Kurohetsuji, and in the name of the rink—we'll punish you!"

Akane gave her crush a curious glance. "What was that all about?" she asked.

"Well, I watched a few episodes of Sailor Moon on tape recently, and all at once, it just clicked, y'know?" Aki replied with a nervous chuckle.

Akane smiled in understanding. "I guess that's not so bad," she replied. "But you're more like Tuxedo Mask, anyways."

Aki gave another blush in response. "On that note…maybe we should go, Akane," he said. "I mean, I don't know how much longer I can stand being here with Mikado AND his ego hogging all the space."

"I heard that!" Akane agreed as she turned around to walk out. "Don't you wanna hold my hand?"

"Okay!" Aki nodded, steam shooting from his ears as he clutched Akane's hand with his own, before they both exited the rink.

As Aki and Akane left the rink, Mikado watched them as his gaze was focused on Akane. "In the end, her lips shall be mine," he vowed, his expression steely.

"Mikado, look, someone took my widdle Clarice!" Azusa shouted as she pointed at a random pink scarf someone was wearing. "GIMME BACK MY CLARICE! GIMME! GIMME! GIMME! GIMME!" she shrieked as she skated after the person, wielding a table she'd picked up.

Mikado's face flattened as any semblance of a dramatic moment had slipped completely down the drain.

I swear, everytime I go somewhere with that girl, it's one more lawsuit in the making… he thought.

AND SO, TWO DAYS OF PRACTICING LATER…

Aki and Akane were both ready for the "Charlotte Cup" competition at Kolkhoz High, and headed out with determination in their souls.

Ranma and Kenma hadn't really been paying attention to the figure-skating situation and all, they were a bit busy with something involving a reality-warping imp from the 5th dimension. His name was Mister…Mix…Myx…Mxy…something-or-other.

Eh, it'll come to me later.

Anyways, they weren't the only ones who'd come to dominate; Ryoga had somehow managed to make it all the way to Kolkhoz High, now having a pair of skates with him.

The Charlotte Cup?! Why, those little— he thought when he saw the marquee outside. Forget it, it doesn't matter what they call it. Because no matter what it takes, I'M gonna be the one pairing with Akane today! Together, we'll crush the competition and I'll prove my love to her!

Ryoga was so lost in his thoughts, he didn't notice that small clusters of students were eyeing him and noticing that he was wearing the collar that Azusa had locked onto Wilbur's neck.

"What's with the choker?" one student murmured.

"Beats me," shrugged another. "Maybe he's into kinky stuff?"

"Okay, but why is it pink?" asked the first student.

"Maybe he's the submissive one," replied the other.

"Heya, Charlotte~!" called a familiar voice, prompting Ryoga to glance upward; sitting on top of the marquee was Ranma, carrying a bucket with him.

"Ranma!" fumed Ryoga as he backed off. "I'm not gonna let you splash me! I will do what I came to, and you won't stop me!"

"Maybe he won't…" said a voice from behind, as Ryoga was suddenly drenched with a purple-and-orange Super Soaker. "...but I will!"

The next thing he knew, he was Wilbur again, and being picked up by an odd little man clad in a purple suit and matching bowler hat.

"Besides, his name's Wilbur!" chortled the little man. "I mean, come on; does he look like a spider to you?"

"Nice shot, Mxy," complimented Ranma as he turned the bucket over, revealing that it'd been empty the whole time.

"Thanks, kid," Mxyzptlk [There it is! Told you I'd get it soon] replied before glancing at the pig. "Look, ham-and-eggs; the way I see it, Akane and Akimitsu are meant to be," he explained as he conjured up minifigures of the two, as well as one of Ryoga. "Ranma and Akane? No way, nuh-uh, not happening, just forget it. That's right out the window, into the woodchipper. And you and Akane? Also not gonna happen."

"Still surprised you're an Aki and Akane shipper." Ranma pointed out. For someone from the 5th dimension, it was kinda out there considering the godly powers he had in their dimension.

"Eh, I tend to watch things in this dimension for entertainment, like reality TV shows but better cause it's not scripted. Besides," Mxyzptlk confessed as he paused for dramatic effect. "Who do you think manipulated events for that Romeo and Juliet escapade you guys watched?"

Kenma looked at him in surprise. "You were involved in that?" he asked.

"Eh, barely," shrugged Mxyzptlk. "All I did was make Gosunkugi hit that spotlight to electrocute him."

"Ohhhhh…" commented Ranma and Kenma, nodding in response.

"So you've been kinda like our Guardian Angel?" Ranma asked.

"Eh, I don't really like that term; it's so…goody two-shoes," Mxyzptlk responded. "I'm more like a spanner in the works."

"Regardless, the help is much appreciated," stated Kenma. "So, we may as well head in and see how Aki and Akane pull this one off."

"Consider it done!" Mxy grinned as he reached down to the bottom of the screen, and flipped to the next scene like he was turning the page in a book.

MEANWHILE, IN THE BOYS' DRESSING ROOM…

Mikado was just finishing up practicing his kissing techniques when Akimitsu came in, carrying his gym bag.

"So, Mr. Kurohitsuji; it would seem that you've decided to show up after all," said Mikado. "Commendable, really. I see you're braver than you appear to be."

"Pretty bold of you to think that I'd chicken out at the last minute."

"I see you have such fire in your soul," smiled Mikado. "This shall make it all the more satisfying when I claim victory, and place my one thousandth kiss upon the lips of your lovely partner."

Aki raised a brow. "You actually count those?" he asked. "Forget it, you'll be waiting till the cows come home, because you won't be kissing Akane."

"Why do you protest so?" inquired Mikado. "I simply wish to enrich her life with my very presence, and if that happens to involve giving her the kiss that has filled so many other girls' lives with newfound light, then so be it!"

Aki began to scowl. "Were any of those girls actually willing to let you kiss them?" he managed to say.

"Naturally," said Mikado, his tone flippant. "But afterwards, they were so overwhelmed that they would burst into tears of joy. There's not a girl alive who has rejected my greeting."

Tears of joy, my butt! They were crying because you basically committed sexual assault on them, you scumbag! Aki thought, his fists trembling with anger. And it figures—he's just as deluded as Kuno.

"I find it only fair to warn you," said Mikado. "I only need one more—then I shall have broken my own record and kissed 1,000 girls, each one more gorgeous than the last!"

"...so you're calling all those other girls you kissed 'ugly', then?" replied Aki.

Mikado shrugged. "It doesn't matter," he replied. "For they were but stepping stones in the completion of my mission…and Miss Tendo shall be the final checkpoint for me to claim victory."

"NOT WHILE I'M BREATHING, YOU MOLESTER!" Aki spat, a fire that had started inside him beginning to grow. "For every girl you forced your kiss on…for the sake of Akane—I WON'T LET YOU WIN!"

Akane was in the back getting mentally prepared for the match. "Alright, Akane ol' girl. You can do this!" she said to herself. "The day you let a slimy creep like Mikado kiss you is the day you give up on martial arts altogether!"

SOME TIME LATER…!

Everyone was gathered in the bleachers, as they gazed out upon the ice rink. About 70 girls were gathered underneath a banner that read "WE LIVE FOR SANZENIN", and at least 84 boys were gathered underneath a banner that said "LOVELY AZUSA", wearing headbands and pink robes.

The fact that anyone would willingly root for these two screwballs will never cease to befuddle me.

"Thank you for waiting, ladies and gentlemen!" said the sportscaster. "And welcome to the first annual Charlotte Cup: the Anything-Goes Figure Skating fight-to-the-finish to determine, once and for all, who owns the little black piglet called Charlotte!"

Nearby, Wilbur was chained to the trophy, angrily squealing all the while as he tried to pull himself free.

"Let's introduce our contestants," said the sportscaster. "First up, the undefeated Golden Pair of Figure-Skating: Mikado Sanzenin and his lovely consort, Azusa Shiratori!"

All at once, the lights dimmed, only to be replaced with multi-colored spotlights. As they flickered on, one-by-one, Mikado and Azusa came out and glided across the ice, holding hands while their fans were cheering uproariously.

"Oh-kay, Akane," said Aki as he took a deep breath. "...let's head out there and dazzle 'em!"

Akane nodded. "Right!"

And so, Aki and Akane came out onto the ice as one of the spotlights shone on them. Akane was dressed similarly to Sailor Mars, while Aki was dressed like Tuxedo Mask.

"And here comes our second team, representing Furinkan High: Akimitsu Kurohitsuji and Akane Tendo!" the sportscaster exclaimed. "I've got to admit, they're definitely great on the ice!"

Aki and Akane did a few moves together as they waved to the crowd, before they came to a stop in the middle, with Akane perched atop Aki's shoulders. Of course, Aki was trying very, very hard to not think about Akane's butt and thighs being so close to his head. It was…difficult, to be certain.

Azusa shrugged. "That was okay," she commented. "But ours was so much more fun to look at!"

"Sometimes style matters," retorted Aki. "And sometimes substance is what counts."

DING! went the bell, and thus the competition began. As Azusa and Mikado skated into action, so too went Akane and Akimitsu.

"OK, Aki, a first strike could win the match for us!" Akane called as she gripped Aki by the hands, and then swung him forward as he raised his leg to swing at the Golden Pair.

The duo managed to dodge, and that was when Mikado made his move, releasing Azusa so he could close in on Akane, taking her in his arms.

"May I say you're looking lovely today," he commented.

"And may I say, you're lookin' especially CREEPY!" Aki shouted as he bashed one of his skates into the back of Mikado's head, causing him to lose his grip on Akane.

"Aki, look out!" Akane shouted. As the boy glanced up, he was suddenly caught in the face when Azusa kneed him, sending him flying backwards onto the ice.

"It's too bad we've gotta compete," smiled the brunette. "You ARE kinda cu~ute!"

Akane looked towards Azusa with a gaze that could pierce through solid stone.

"At last, the nuisance is gone," crooned Mikado as he retook Akane into his arms.

"And yet, you're still here!" the short-haired girl snapped as she brought her left leg up—

K-K-KRUNCH!

…and delivered a very painful kick to Mikado's crotch, causing his eyes to widen and his body to instinctively slump to the floor, as every guy in the stands flinched, cringed, and went for their own crotches out of reflex. Of course, since they were on an ice rink, he slipped and fell right on his face.

KLONNNNG!

The second Mikado's body hit the floor, all of his fangirls shrieked in dismay at how quickly he'd been dealt with.

"...Mikado Sanzenin…has been defeated…" the sportscaster managed to say, while a pair of medics came over and took Mikado off the rink on a stretcher. "That only leaves Azusa Shiratori in the rink…"

Making her way over, Akane successfully got between Azusa and Akimitsu.

"I already took care of your creepo partner, now I'm gonna tell you this, fair and square…" she declared as she helped Aki to his feet. "...Akimitsu is MY BOYFRIEND! So if you even try to kiss him…I'll kill you!"

"Sooo, kitty-witty's got claws, does she?" observed Azusa.

"That's right, and she knows how to use them!" Akane declared. "Aki, you okay?"

"A little shaken up, but nothing major," responded Aki. "I think we can finish this for sure."

"Ready or not, here Azusa comes!" the ditzy girl shouted as she charged at the two.

Aki and Akane got themselves into defensive stances as they braced for impact.

"Say, I've got an idea…up we go!" the young sportsman said as he hoisted Akane onto his shoulders, while they approached Azusa. "You hit high, and I'll hit low!"

Akane smiled. "Now there's a plan of attack I can get behind!" she replied.

She then threw a punch which Azusa was fast enough to duck under, but she was promptly caught off guard by a slide kick from Aki.

"Whoa!" the ditz exclaimed as she fell on her stomach and glided across the ice for a few seconds before quickly recovering. "Not bad for a couple of amateurs! I guess Azusa will have to stop pulling her punches." Azusa then began to twirl at high speeds, creating a screen of snow that disoriented the two.

"Looks like Azusa's using one of her most effective techniques: the Winter Flurry!" exclaimed the sportscaster. "I'd be hard-pressed to name anybody who's managed to overcome this move…but here's hoping our challengers are ready to adapt!"

"Damn!" exclaimed Aki. "It's like we're trapped in a blizzard! I can't see anything!"

"Guh!" Akane was suddenly caught off guard by an uppercut.

"Akane!" cried Aki as he saw her stumbling backwards before catching a knee to the ribs. "GWOK—!"

"Hahahaha! Azusa's got you now!" giggled the brunette's voice from what seemed to be all around them. "Can't find me, but Azusa can find YOU!"

"She's gotta be around here somewhere!" Akane said frustratedly, searching for any telltale signs of Azusa's whereabouts.

"Over here!" the ditz shouted as she threw a snowball at the blue-haired girl's face. "Gotcha!"

"Unbelievable!" the sportscaster bellowed. "Not only is Azusa using her Winter Flurry, she's topping it off with a snowball barrage!"

Azusa giggled with glee as she continued her relentless assault, further taking advantage of and reveling in the chaos she had caused.

"Crud! We're getting our butts kicked out here!" grunted Aki as he and Akane were being pelted with snowballs. "Meanwhile, she's got the advantage and the ammunition!"

Looks like it's my time to shine, thought Ryoga as he summoned enough strength to break free of the bindings of the shackle, then proceeded to slip away. I said I'd skate with Akane, and NOTHING'S gonna stop me!

At this point we're gonna need a miracle to get us outta this hot spot! Akane thought while Wilbur was making his way to the bathroom, in order to get some hot water.

"You might as well quit while you still can, ya silly-billies!" Azusa taunted as she kept pressuring Akimitsu and Akane.

"Like hell we're quitting!" Akane yelled out to the ditzy opponent. Her stubbornness was actually helping her out in this match as opposed to being a hindrance on most occasions…but even she wasn't certain about how to get out of this tight spot.

Suddenly, Ryoga jumped down from the bleachers and thrust his fist down onto the middle of the rink! The second he did that, cracks began to form and spiderweb out across the ice…before they split apart, revealing the icy cold water underneath.

"What the hell was the point of that?!" shouted Aki.

"Looks like I was just in time!" the bandana-wearing boy declared.

"Yeah, just in time to fuck things up!" Aki retorted. "Why the hell would you smash the ice rink?!"

"I had to get Little Miss Klepto to stop the blizzard somehow!" replied Ryoga.

"And you couldn't have, I dunno…distracted her instead?" asked Aki. "Besides…how are we supposed to skate without any ice?"

"Well, I just got a little heated seeing Akane in such a nasty position." Ryoga tried to justify his outburst.

"You got a little stupid, is what you got!" Aki snapped. "Besides, what do you think is gonna happen when those ice chunks start driftin' apart, huh?"

Ryoga raised a finger…and then he thought. For ten whole seconds, he put his brain to work…and then he spoke.

"...oh, now I see the problem," he replied.

"Oh, DO YA?!" Aki screamed at the bandanna-wearing boy, flailing his arms while his head quadrupled in size.

Akimitsu and Ryoga then began to drift further apart from each other as the ice separated itself. And as the ice began to float, Akane was starting to have trouble keeping herself balanced.

"Akane, you alright?" asked Aki as he remembered she was on his shoulders.

"Y-yeah. I'm fine, thanks to you!" responded Akane, making Aki blush when he felt her rubbing the top of his head.

Of course, this made Ryoga absolutely furious; his eyes became spirals of pure rage, his teeth became rows of sharp fangs, and he balled his fists so tightly that they were starting to bleed.

"AKI, YOU BASTARD!" Ryoga shouted in rage as he forgot why they were in that position as he leapt from ice chunk to ice chunk.

"What the hell do ya think you're doing, you maniac?!" the sportsman said as he hastily dodged the bandana-wearing boy's furious attacks.

"I see your game, trying to get with Akane on the ice. Well, not if I stop it first!" Ryoga snarled as his mind got lost on what really happened, not surprising, as he almost collided with Azusa.

"Whoa, Azusa is very dizzy! Spinning, spinning, spinning~" she sang as she spun around.

"Get out of my way, you obnoxious pink bitch!" Ryoga yelled before shoving her out of his way, as she was sent flying into another ice chunk, landing head first. And it was this sudden jolt to the skull that unintentionally cured Azusa of her childish kleptomaniac personality.

"And it looks like Azusa Shiratori has been knocked out like her partner before!" The sportscaster stated to the audience, "Which means the Golden Pair have been defeated and the winners of the Charlotte Cup are Akane Tendo and Akimistu Kurohitsuji!"

"We won, Aki!" Akane cheered as she got off Aki's shoulders and hugged him.

"W-we sure did!" Aki blushed and stuttered a bit as he could feel her chest pressed into his own from the hug.

"Wha—BWEE!" Ryoga shouted before he slipped and fell into the cold water around him, reverting back to Wilbur/Charlotte.

"Huh? Wilbur?" Akane said as she saw her pet pig in the water. "C'mere, sweetie~!" Miraculously, she'd had her back turned to Ryoga when his curse activated. She picked him up and held him close, feeling how wet and cold he was.

"Ouch, my head hurts," Azusa said as she got back up and looked around; but when she spoke, it lacked the sickeningly-cutesy tone it had carried for so long. "...and yet, for some reason, my mind feels clearer."

A little bit later, Mikado had woken up in a stretcher after receiving that devastating kick to the privates courtesy of Akane…but he noticed that he was in handcuffs.

"...strange, what are these on my person for?" he inquired.

"Ah, I see you're finally awake, Mikado." said a policeman with a smug smile.

"Officer Inoue, fancy meeting you here." Mikado greeted with a nervous look on his face.

"Yep! I just happened to find a flier advertising this very figure-skating match." the officer said as he pulled the piece of paper out of his pocket to show the skater.

"Perhaps you could explain why I'm in handcuffs…?" Mikado asked.

"Well, I've been waiting to say this to you for a long time! Mikado Sanzenin, you're under arrest for nine hundred and ninety nine counts of sexual harassment." Officer Inoue confidently said.

"What?!" the figure-skater exclaimed. "But that can't be! The girls that I kissed were clearly entranced by my masculine charm."

"That's not what the reports say!" the policeman said. "We have next to one hundred witnesses that said you forcefully kissed those girls without their consent, while holding them by the small of their backs!"

"Well, I see that my past actions haven't exactly gone over very well but rest assured, I've learned my lesson. Perhaps you could just let me off the hook with a slap on the wrist?" Mikado as he flashed a nervous smile.

"Oh no, buster! You're not gettin off that easy!" Officer Inoue declared. "In case you haven't noticed, you're in trouble."

"Very Big Trouble." One of the fellow officers chimed in.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get on the phone with your parents to tell them that you'll be late comin' home for dinner—by about fifteen years!" the lead officer smirked.

Mikado's eyes rolled back in his head, and he fainted as he was carted off.

MEANWHILE, BACK WITH OUR MAIN CHARACTERS…

Akimitsu and Akane were back in their normal clothes while both of them were wrapped in blankets, sipping cups of cocoa.

"So much better! I thought I was gonna freeze to death!" Akane said.

"That makes two of us," replied Aki. "Personally, I've had enough ice-skating to last me a lifetime."

"Preachin' to the choir with that one!" the tomboy agreed. "Aki, I'm still a little cold. Do you think you could come a little closer to me?"

"Consider it done," Akimitsu smiled as he scooted over and put an arm around Akane's shoulder, making the both of them blush.

Nearby, Wilbur was sitting atop a towel, and gave a disgusted snort…right before he felt a wet towel THWACK against his rear, sending him falling off.

And for a few seconds, Ryoga could almost swear he heard the snickering of a strange little man with a purple bowler hat…but it couldn't be.

…right?