For a few weeks the site hasn't allowed me to see the views... I think it's not working very well.
Anyway, here's another chapter and I apologize for the day late. Have fun and thanks for the kind reviews. They are essential to continue publishing.
P.s. I actually don't consider Margaret a horrible person or a witch, just a woman who made many mistakes, sometimes terrible ones.
All rights belong to Buffalo Pictures.
Chapter 13
«I'm coming… just a moment…»
Ruth became annoyed by the abrupt manner in which they were knocking on her door. She went to open the door ready to vent with a heavy reproach, but she didn't have time because her nephew rushed into her angry and babbling incomprehensible sentences.
«I can't believe it...how could she...plot behind my back with...her! What did she think she were getting… why? Don't she understand? How can she not understand...and yet even with her they weren't..."
"Martin…" she raised her hands to signal that it was time to shut up. She watched him go quiet and pull his shoulders back. He looked decidedly upset.
"Sit down and explain from the beginning." she told him her aunt.
He obeyed and told her about Louisa's meeting with his mother and his wife's request to come and talk to her.
"Are you sure Louisa asked you this?" Ruth asked, perplexed.
"Yes." he confirmed firmly.
The old woman was silent for a moment and tried to put her thoughts in order.
«Of course it's strange… she should know my sister-in-law by now…»
"Exact! What's on her mind..." Martin started complaining angrily again, but she didn't listen to him. She preferred to reflect... Louisa was not naive... she certainly had a tendency to want everyone to get along... and sometimes this resulted in many arguments, but she had good instincts... evidently she had understood something that eluded her.
"What is it…Ruth?"
The woman shook her head, brought back to the conversation by her nephew's inquiring eyes.
"I was thinking…maybe we should look at this from another perspective." she walked over to the bottle of scotch and poured a dab of it into her glass, while Martin rolled his eyes in horror.
"I'm sure your wife only wants what's best for you, and if she asked you to speak to Margaret, she must have her reasons."
He looked at her sarcastically waiting for enlightenment.
«Think about it carefully…with her kindness…her common sense…and also with her emotionality, Louisa did and still does a great deal of good for us Ellinghams. Think about what a loving and attentive mother she is to your child…and think about how patient she was waiting for you to decide to do your part…how she is improving some aspects of your character and how much love she has brought into your life, Martin." she sighed and let out a small smile.
«Knowing her did me a lot of good too, don't you think?» he sipped her scotch.
«I immediately felt at ease with her. She is an intelligent and independent woman. She is courageous… she fights for what she cares about… and she doesn't hold back."
She sat down in front of him.
«I like talking to her and I find her point of view interesting as a woman…normal…I would say…»
"I do not understand." he snorted.
«Oh…let's face it, Martin. Our family produced only antisocial and rigid people... well... except Joan... but she too had some of our traits, in spite of her... stubbornness, for example. I myself have always been cold and haughty, but I have benefited from this place... from Louisa's spontaneity... and she has done me a lot of good, I recognize that." she patted his arm.
«I trust her judgment. If she suggested you talk to Margaret… then talk to her. Louisa is much more practical than us when it comes to feelings and personal relationships... she obviously believes that she can be of help to you. She certainly doesn't mean to harm you... don't you think?"
He stared thoughtfully at his aunt...she had gone crazy too.
"I still think it's a terrible idea, Ruth." he jumped up and headed for the door. Ruth followed him. She saw that instead of the road home, he took the direction towards the hill.
«Martin…where are you going?» she asked loudly as he quickly walked away.
"I do not know." he replied sharply without even turning around.
"Martin!" she was more resolute this time.
The man stopped and turned to look at her.
«I don't know…I need to move now…I just want some air…and time.» he concluded more calmly, and then resumed walking at a fast pace.
He went up the hill quickly... mumbling to himself... and found himself in the middle of an expanse of fields and pastures. Without thinking too much he crossed them until he reached a narrow path that would take him to the coast. He soon noticed his muddy shoes and trousers, but… no matter how much he cursed… the damage was already done. However, the light rain of those days had been persistent and he should have expected it. Not that the sky at that moment was particularly encouraging.
Finally he emerged from a narrow road surrounded by shrubs and weeds onto a large field of grass and soon reached the sea. He stood watching the waves crash majestically onto the rocks below him.
Louisa didn't understand…after the last visit, he had decided he never wanted to see his mother again. Margaret had once again proven herself to be an icy woman interested only in herself. She didn't care about James or him. She had completely ignored his wife's accident, because she was focused on getting more money from him. Well, that time there hadn't been an Aunt Joan to save… she hadn't had any excuses to rely on. He had denied her his help just as she had denied him her attention all his life… and he had kicked her out of her house just as she had denied him her affection. It had taken him months to shake off the venom she had cast on him and to free himself from the annoyance that she had stolen his watch… but he had succeeded. He had removed her from his life and wasn't about to start over with her… not even if Louisa asked him to.
He kicked a small stone and it flew down the cliff.
Why had she gone to talk to his mother? This question had been plaguing him from the moment he found out.
He thought about Ruth's strange theory…of listening to his wife's sixth sense…and he thought about how his life had changed for the better since having Louisa.
His days were no longer filled with annoying patients...silent meals and solitary nights. He didn't even resemble the long days in London, when he returned from work to a perfectly tidy, clean and… empty luxury apartment. Now he lived in a noisy house, full of people demanding his attention and his time… and he loved it all. He loved the feeling he felt every time Louisa came close to him… she talked to him… she smiled at him… she touched him. He loved her enthusiasm and her simplicity... he loved the pouty expression with which she challenged him... the sweetness and trust with which she abandoned herself on his chest. He loved how she was raising their children… how she showered them with love and attention. He was still in awe of all the hardships and pain she went through to bring them into the world… and he was immensely grateful to her for having done them with him.
James and Mary had introduced him to a new love... a transport he had never felt and the desire to protect them at all costs... to protect his entire family.
Sigh.
As much as he still wondered about it sometimes, Louisa loved him and wanted what was best for him. At this moment he didn't really understand what benefit it could bring him by comparing him with his mother, but… as Ruth had said, when it came to personal matters…Louisa understood much more.
And then...he had to admit that all those gestures of affection, the hugs, the conversations, the shared meals...all that new life, in short...he really liked it and made him feel good.
He looked up. The wind had picked up and dark gray clouds were gathering above him. It was really time to go back.
He searched his pockets for his phone…Louisa must have wanted to know where he was, seeing as it was past dinner time…but he couldn't find it. He grunted something senseless and decided that he would look for it later, he had to hurry before it started raining. He walked quickly down the path home… the home where he would find the people who were dearest to him… the ones who made him feel important and wanted. He rolled his shoulders back and puffed out his chest.
Maybe...feeling good...wasn't necessarily a bad thing or a sign of weakness.
Maybe…listening to the words that Margaret had to say to him…now that he had the tranquility that he previously lacked…would have given an answer to the many questions that still tormented him. Perhaps…
Louisa waited, hoping he would return for dinner. Ruth had called her a couple of hours before to inform her of her nephew's visit, how angry he was and his intention to walk to vent... so she thought she'd leave him alone to a bit.
Not seeing him yet arrive, she made the children eat. Before arranging the kitchen, she called him, but he didn't answer. She tried again several times, but the cell phone rang without answer.
She began to worry. She had no news of him and a storm was coming.
She called Ruth to see if she had any news. The old woman tried to reassure her… Martin just needed some time, but he would definitely be back soon.
Louisa thought about what had already happened…what if they kidnapped him again? What if he had an accident or fallen somewhere?
Without revealing her anguish, she put the children to sleep as soon as possible, telling James that his dad had had an emergency and would be back soon... then she went down into the living room and stood in front of the window waiting to see him. It was about to rain and he hadn't brought anything with him. She sighed as she played with the pendant on his necklace…she just wanted to have him back home… even if he was furious or didn't utter a syllable… she wanted him back there with her. Not knowing what had happened to him was driving her crazy. Martin wouldn't have missed dinner... he was strict about respecting the timetable... he claimed it was also useful for the children... so why didn't he come back?
Finally she saw him open the gate…her heart jumped. She rushed out the door.
"Martin!"
"Sorry…sorry…sorry." he raised his hands to acknowledge his negligence. "I know, it's…" he couldn't finish the sentence as Louisa threw herself at him, clinging to her neck. "…late." he murmured as he wrapped his arms around her amazed at her reaction. He expected to be scolded.
"Forgive me, Martin, it's all my fault."
Louisa took his face in her hands and looked at him with guilty eyes.
«I shouldn't have interfered... I made a mistake.» she pulled his head closer and buried her face between his neck and shoulder, while she caressed the back of his neck and held him tightly. «You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Let's leave things as they are and move on…just the four of us.»
As usual, Martin didn't know how to react, so he hugged her more tightly. He hated their arguments... that remaining in suspense waiting for the situation to settle down and she gives him one of her smiles... he couldn't stand that there was tension between the two of them.
Louisa looked at him…he seemed calm and there was no trace of rancor in his gaze.
«I tried to call you…your phone rang, but you didn't answer»
"Yes you are right. You'll have to excuse me…I actually don't know where I left it. I wanted to let you know that I was fine, but it wasn't in my pocket…maybe it's in the car with my bag after the visit to Mrs. Polglase this morning.»
She felt reassured…he hadn't ignored her on purpose. She caressed his cheek.
«I was worried about you, Martin… I didn't know where you were… I also thought that they had kidnapped you again…»
He placed his hand on hers and turned his head slightly to kiss her palm.
«I'm sorry, Louisa…I should have been more careful…in fact, I shouldn't even have reacted that way and left…sorry.» he whispered softly. «But now I'm here…and I'm fine.»
The first drops of rain were felt, interrupting that moment.
They returned to the house. Martin remembered his phone, took the car keys and went out to look for it again.
"I'll be right back, Louisa."
After a few minutes he reached her and found her tinkering in the kitchen.
"There it is, I found it."
«At least it wasn't lost. In twenty minutes it'll be ready... you'll be hungry." she smiled at him and he came closer. She was so beautiful and warm with him... he really couldn't understand the useless and empty life that he had lived before her. He leaned down and kissed her tenderly… he was relieved that she responded to his kiss without hesitation.
«I'll take this opportunity to take off these muddy clothes and take a quick shower then.» he informed her in that velvety voice he reserved only for her.
He came back with just his pants and a shirt…albeit buttoned up to the neck. Louisa made no comment, but she was decidedly surprised that he hadn't worn another outfit. She opened the top button and adjusted his collar.
"Better..." she murmured. She observed with feigned nonchalance his broad shoulders... his imposing but lean physique... he probably had no idea how desirable he was at that moment. She sent him to the table, where she joined him with their plates and sat down across from him.
"Didn't you eat with the children?" he inquired thoughtfully.
«No…I preferred to wait for you.» and then she certainly hadn't had an appetite.
Martin frowned and stood up. He came around the table, took her face in his hands and kissed her.
«You shouldn't have…I was the one who was late.»
«It doesn't matter, really. I like eating with you." she gave him one of her lovely smiles and he calmed down.
He returned to his seat and began to eat…he was hungry, but he also needed to feel her close…so he reached with his hand across the table and took hers.
"It's very good, Louisa."
"There's more if you want." she lowered her gaze for a moment... unsure whether to ask him where he had been or keep quiet... he seemed calm again. She took a risk.
"Where have you been all this time?" her voice sounded uncertain.
«I went to Ruth...but I think you already know this...then without thinking I went up the hill and found myself in the middle of the fields, so I decided to reach the coast and I stopped a bit to...calm down.»
Louisa intertwined her fingers with his.
«Did it help? I mean…are you still mad at me? If so, I apologize, it was a bad idea..."
"Yes and no. I'm more relaxed now and I'm not angry with you anymore. Indeed... I am the one who must ask for forgiveness." he put down his fork. "I shouldn't have screamed and left without explanation." he concluded repentantly and resumed eating.
«And sorry if I told you not to interfere... actually... you have to do it... I mean... you're my wife... everything that concerns me, concerns you too.» he looked at her shyly. «We are married... it's normal that we share everything... and even if I'm not familiar with this kind of thing... I want to learn.» he concluded softly.
Louisa looked at his blue eyes so full of love... she was touched by the effort he put into making their relationship work. She convinced herself once more that for no reason in the world would she still do without him.
«You're an excellent student, Martin. I'm the one who needs to improve." she murmured.
«No…you are perfect for me.» he lowered his head awkwardly and dedicated himself to cleaning up his plate, then helped her clear the table and tidy up the kitchen.
When they were finally in bed…exhausted from the day's events…she snuggled into his chest, surrounded by his arms.
"I'll go talk to my mother tomorrow morning." he took her hand.
Louisa sat up in amazement.
«You don't have to do it… it's not necessary…»
"Yes, instead."
"But you do not want."
"Yes, I want to go, so she has no more excuses for staying in Portwenn."
Louisa hesitated. Was it just a way to get rid of his mother?
"I understand."
She leaned back onto his chest and he held her close, kissing her head.
«Uhmm…Ruth actually made me think about something.»
"What a look, Martin."
«Well...she thinks you are very expert and wise in understanding people...while we don't have the same...sensitivity as you, when it comes to relationships. So if you thought it might be helpful to talk to my mother…then it probably is." he concluded as if he had just made a diagnosis.
"Does Ruth really think that about me?"
«Yes…and I agree with her.» he added in a breath.
Louisa smiled. She was very fond of her husband's aunt and she valued her opinion of her.
«I'm not sure that this mania of always talking about one's feelings is actually that useful. In fact...I think it's just a nuisance, but...hating my parents has never made me feel better.» Martin admitted.
«Maybe…if I could reach some sort of armistice with her…I could also be a better husband to you…and a less rigid father with our children. Isn't that what you want?" he asked her shyly.
At those words, Louisa hugged him as tight as she could.
«You are already the best husband I could wish for, Martin, I am convinced of it. Under no circumstances should you feel like you have to change for me."
She gave him a kiss on the neck. «And I think you are an excellent father, always present and reliable. You have learned to take care of them and James and Mary adore you. I see how much you love them…I see the deep bond you have created with them and I know you will always support and protect them. I couldn't have found a better dad than you for my children."
She leaned up and kissed him on the cheek.
«But I think that... if you could reach this armistice with your mother... which at the beginning would require a lot of effort and suffering on your part... you would feel much better and could loosen all the rigid patterns that so often hold you back.»
Martin remained silent and pulled her close to him again.
"What you say might make sense, Louisa…and I trust you."
He kissed her forehead.
«And sorry if today I said that I was wrong to do it. I didn't really mean it."
«It doesn't matter, Martin. You were angry and when you're angry you sometimes say things you don't mean."
«I have to admit, though, that trying to open up a little has proven to be a wise practice… with you. Some conversations with Ruth were also very useful to me... and the sessions with Dr. Timoney made me notice aspects that were worth dwelling on.
In fact… in some cases… verbalizing what I thought made me more clear-headed and… made me feel better.»
"I'm at your disposal whenever you want to talk, Martin."
"Yes. Well...not too often though.» he added worriedly and he elicited laughter from his wife.
"Why are you laughing?"
«Because luckily you never change and I love you just the way you are.»
Martin felt the worry of those days slipping away from him…whatever had happened…he had Louisa, who warmed his heart and soul.
"I love you too." he lifted her chin and kissed her.
«It may be that the story of happiness has a meaning…after all, if nothing else in terms of living more peacefully…and my life, since you've been here, is much more pleasant, Louisa.»
«Mine too, Martin...» she whispered, rubbing her nose tenderly against his. "…mine too."
"Do you want me to come with you?"
Louisa put Mary in the high chair. She had noticed how absorbed Martin had been when she entered the room… surely he must have been nervous about meeting Margaret.
"No thank you." he replied, sipping his coffee.
She took a banana and crushed it to give it to the little girl.
«Papi, shall we go to the beach after breakfast?» James had discovered that he really enjoyed walking among the rocks by the sea and watching the pools of water that formed when the tide was low. He always found many beautiful shells and his dad knew the name of each one.
"Daddy's busy this morning, but the three of us can go for a walk, honey."
"All right." he murmured in disappointment.
Louisa approached the boy and gave him a kiss, ruffling his hair and causing him to giggle.
"We can go to the harbor and look at the fishing boats and then to the bookstore if you want, James."
«Yesss.» the child smiled at her happily. He also really liked looking at the boats, but even more wandering around the shelves full of books of all types and colours. Mr. Treweek, the owner, was always very kind to him and often suggested many interesting books…like the last one which contained splendid illustrations of fish.
"I'll take you to the beach tomorrow morning if you like, James." Martin added.
The little one turned and smiled at him too. "Yes, Daddy, please."
"Well, I'll wake you up soon then. Now I have to go."
Louisa followed him to the door and absently straightened his already perfect tie.
"Are you sure you don't want me to accompany you, Martin?"
"I think I'm old enough to manage on my own, Louisa." he replied to her with a hint of condescension.
She didn't care... she was learning to ignore his haughty habits... she knew they were part of his way of defending himself. She found it more useful to tone them down instead.
"Yes." she stood on tiptoe and gave him a kiss. Her husbandly expression immediately softened and he looked at her guiltily… aware that he came across as gruff quite often, but he still found it very difficult to avoid it.
"I go." he informed her. He opened the door to go out.
«Martin…»
"Yes?" he turned around.
«I am very proud of you. Whatever happens, I'm here... we're here."
"Yes." he whispered awkwardly and walked out.
With his usual brisk pace, he reached the cottage where his mother was staying. He stopped for a moment to breathe deeply. Seeing her was never easy for him... the memory of every reproach or rejection was all too vivid... of her, of her disappointed expressions when he appeared in front of her... of the incessant criticisms and... worst of all... of her silences, almost as if he hadn't existed. He did not tell Louisa about these feelings. Perhaps this is why she didn't understand how uncomfortable he was in the presence of his mother and insisted on being accommodating to her. It was true that he himself preferred not to broach the subject.
He knocked and after a few moments Margaret opened the door. She stared at him for a moment.
"Martin." she didn't expect to see him... by now she was planning to go to his house and force him to listen to her. "Enter."
He lowered his head so as not to hit the doorframe and followed her inside.
"Would you like a coffee?"
"No, I just had breakfast."
«Well, I was about to prepare it for myself… you know I'm not an early riser like you.» she looked at him and Martin couldn't understand her state of mind. She seemed almost… kind to him, but not in that sarcastic way she usually had.
"So a glass of water?"
"Yes."
"Sit down."
Martin was about to say that he was in a hurry and that she had better tell him what she had to immediately, because he wanted to leave as soon as possible, but…he sighed and tried to calm down.
After the birth of James and then Mary, he had often found himself watching Louisa with their children. As he had imagined, she was a caring and attentive mother. She cuddled them, played and joked with them and smiled tenderly when she looked at them. Over the years he had preferred to convince himself that he had had a normal childhood, with a more rigid education resulting from those times... and in any case those events so far away could be the cause of his intolerance towards others and his difficulties in interpersonal relationships... or of his anguish.
He had had other relationships before coming to Portwenn. Although his priorities were study and a career as a surgeon, girls had always liked him. Tall, athletic and elegant as he was, it seemed that his reserve and his rigor did not bother them... on the contrary, they were fascinated by him. Furthermore, he was a curious and very scrupulous boy...qualities that under the sheets had proven to be really useful, so much so that word had spread among the young students and...if it hadn't been for him to impose a strict discipline on himself, allowing himself only the necessary leisure... he would have had considerable difficulty finding time for study.
Then, while attending medical school, he had paid great attention to the exploration of female anatomy, finding that direct observation was far more complete and detailed than any model or medical publication. He also had a couple of stable relationships with female doctors. It was not he who took the initiative, but in the end he had adapted to the convenience of an outlet more or less always available and the possibility of dealing with clinical topics, the only terrain in which he was more at ease. He had never made any effort to deepen those relationships or improve his communication skills, not even with Edith. He hadn't proposed marriage to her, it had been an idea that she had thrown around in a conversation. At first horrified, he then thought that in the end...a woman interested only in her work as much as he was...would not cause him too many problems and that he would be freed from the pressure of his parents who wanted him to be conveniently married, possibly with offspring that would guarantee the continuation of the Ellingham name. So he had adapted once again, but his resolve had not lasted. He had quickly realized that it was an immense stupidity and that he would have ruined his life, so he had dumped Edith, making everyone believe that she had left him and thus avoiding reproaches.
Until one day...in the middle of an existential crisis due to a phobia that had interrupted his career as a surgeon...a combative and sweet teacher from an unknown village in Cornwall...his Louisa...had forcefully entered his life and he fell in love for the first time. Shy and tormented by the fear of rejection, he had carried out a series of stupid actions, letting slip the wrongest words he could think of, but... despite all his mistakes... she had accepted him to the point of marrying him and giving him two children. From the first moment he realized that he could no longer live without her and had fought against himself and his fears to have her. He worked every day to be a better husband and a satisfying father. However, he fully realized that a spontaneous and passionate woman like Louisa deserved a kind and affectionate husband. Often in his head he imagined approaching her at any moment for a kiss or a hug... he saw himself clasping her shoulders to console her or simply hold her close to him. He would have liked to be able to make her laugh... because he loved her smiles... or to tell her how beautiful or elegant she was or how much he needed her... but he remained still and silent, observing her adoringly. How could he explain to her that these shortcomings of his made him suffer... that those gestures and words were difficult and unnatural for him? Thank goodness he had learned to tell her that he loved her... for the rest he tried to demonstrate his feelings to her with facts, actions... and with all the attention and passion of which he was capable when the two of them were... alone... in their bed. That was the only moment in which he was able to let himself go completely with her, forgetting his rules and his fears to love her with all of himself... full of wonder and gratitude for the love and comfort that Louisa knew how to offer him .
The two fundamental women in his life had had opposite attitudes towards him... one had rejected him, the other had welcomed him.
In recent times he had wondered what kind of child he would have been with a mother like Louisa... and what kind of adult he would have become... perhaps that anger that had accompanied him for so long would not have existed... perhaps he would have found it easier and more satisfying to interact with other people…maybe he would have known how to love his wife and family as they deserved.
Now he had many questions in his head to ask his mother, or rather... no. He only had one... and always the same one... why?
So he sat down quietly and took a sip of water.
«I met Mary. Your daughter is very cute. There's something about her that reminds me of my grandmother, think." Margaret commented with some ease.
"She looks like Louisa." he cut it short.
«Oh yes, she'll become as beautiful as her, I bet... but she looks a bit like you too, Martin, you know?»
«Well…I hope not.»
Margaret smiled.
"Do you need money, Mom?" he asked getting straight to the point. "You won't have any."
"No pleasantries…right." with an ironic smile, the woman took her coffee and sat down in front of him.
«No, I don't need money this time. I don't know if you already know, but in Portugal I had a... particular friend. We've been living together for the last few years... we actually knew each other long before that." she drank the coffee… she had loved William… she had probably loved him and she should have separated from Christopher to be with him… but now it was useless to regret the past.
«He died a few months ago and left me a small capital that will allow me to live peacefully.» her voice trembled.
"Well. If you don't want money, what do you want then?" Martin tried to maintain a hard, detached tone.
«Don't worry, I'm not here to suddenly suggest to play happy family... I'm not that silly, I know it's not possible, Martin.» she replied matter-of-factly.
Both were entrenched in defensive positions, but Margaret knew it was her turn to step forward.
'And how is James Henry? He will have grown up... I would like to see him..."
«He's fine and…no, I don't see the reason.»
The woman sighed, taking the blow in silence.
«You won't make things easy for me, Martin, of course…not that I expected it or claimed it, no…»
Margaret straightened in her chair and prepared herself to assume the hard, detached attitude that had filtered her emotions for much of her life so that they would not overwhelm her.
«I'm going back to live in London…next wee…»
"Enough."
Martin jumped up and started to leave. Margaret put her hand on his arm to hold him back and he moved away with annoyance, looking at her with aversion.
«And to think that there was a time when you climbed into my arms and held me tight. You didn't want to let me go." she said softly.
«You're making this up. I was the cause of your unhappiness, you confessed it to me yourself, remember?" he took a step back and stared at her.
«I'm not making this up, Martin. It was a short period… you were very young. The nannies took care of you, but when they brought you to me, you clung to my neck with all your strength…and I…" Margaret swallowed. «I grabbed your arms and pulled you away from me, because I had something else to do or because you soiled my dress.»
The man tensed more…he didn't really understand what she wanted from him.
«You're right...I blamed you for my unhappiness. I could have blamed your father for not wanting me anymore or his job keeping him away, but I did what a mother should never do... I chose to blame you. Sit down, please."
Martin agreed without making a sound.
«I married Christopher because I was in love with him and I agreed to support him in his career and to adapt to the life of the wife of an esteemed doctor. I was happy with him in the early years. When I got pregnant, however, his attitude changed… »
«Oh please…so you always ignored my presence because my father was unfair to you? Does this seem like an acceptable excuse to you?" the man blurted out.
"No, I'm not using my problems with your father as an excuse, I'm just trying to explain the circumstances to you." Margaret tried to remain composed and logical.
«He didn't want me anymore and after you were born, he insisted that I entrust you to a nanny and take care of promoting his professional growth through appropriate social relationships with the wives of the most influential doctors or by letting him show me off like a trophy at dinners with the colleagues."
Martin turned his head angrily.
«I quickly became very unhappy. I had lost the man I loved and I was unable to resist the removal of my son. So my unhappiness became anger and then hatred... and you paid the consequences."
"So it's all Dad's fault and you're just a victim?" he addressed her sarcastically.
«It's my fault, Martin. I didn't have enough strength to take on my responsibilities and take my son back." she stated vehemently, making him fall silent.
«I'm the problem between us, I always have been. I made you believe that you were inadequate…a weak, incompetent child. I rejected you and pushed you away from me. I put you down and made you unhappy, but the truth is that I was the one who wasn't capable of being a mother and I have no excuse for that."
Margaret sighed and closed her eyes.
"You were never to blame for anything, Martin, I wish this point was clear to you."
He was silent with his head down, trying to make sense of that conversation.
«You were an intelligent, polite and kind son…a pride for any parent. Instead we transformed you into a sad and withdrawn child... into an angry and resentful young man... and into a distrustful and cold man.» she too was silent for a moment.
"I'm sorry, Martin."
"Why?" he looked at her again… his eyes betrayed a still strong pain.
Margaret frowned.
"Why?"
"Yes why. Why did you reject me?" he insisted.
She thought for a few moments, then shook her head, lifting her chin.
«Because I was weak and inexperienced…because sometimes you do very stupid things and you are never able to go back.»
"So I wasn't the cause of the separation between you and dad?" he asked anxiously.
"No, of course not." she reassured him immediately. "We were the problem, not you."
Silence fell. Martin nervously clasped his hands under the table. He didn't know what to think… a myriad of emotions crowded into his head.
" Forgive me, I ask your forgiveness."
The man raised his head at those words. His motherly eyes seemed sincere... there was no longer a trace of blame in them... or disgust. Maybe Louisa was right…something in her had changed. Over the years he had learned that sometimes avoidable mistakes are made only out of anger... pride... or fear. Just like when he didn't show up at the altar terrified of not being enough... or like when Louisa returned to Portwenn pregnant and he pushed her away again with his pride wounded... or how he closed himself off after his father's death forcing her to escape.
The misunderstandings grew over time until they destroyed a relationship, but he had understood... thanks to his wife... that there was a possibility of recovering if you made a serious effort... and it seemed that his mother was really making an effort. He wasn't ready to forgive yet, no... but he wanted peace within himself. He wanted to get rid of his fear of being rejected and accept what had been. Focusing on the present… could be one way.
"Why now?"
Margaret lowered her eyes for a second.
«Because I'm old...I recently lost a man I cared about and after a certain age you tend to think about your life...and regret your mistakes.» she concluded in the most reasonable and calm tone possible.
Martin stood up slowly.
"I have to go, they're waiting for me." he put his hand behind his back in that professional pose he used to hide his uncertainty.
His mother accompanied him to the door.
«Think about it, Martin. Try to forgive me, if you can." she placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, but this time he didn't pull away. «I don't want anything else from you. In a few days I will leave for London and will not bother you again."
He nodded and left.