A Marriage that Started a Legend Chapter 135, a merlin fanfic

This chapter is dedicated to Jacquelyn, who wanted to see Gaius making a comment about what the other knights had been doing to Merlin behind his back. I hope they enjoy how I included it in the story ;p

And this is a double dedication chapter to Jacquelyn, who also wanted to see Arthur feeling like a failure after Gaius finds out Merlin has been hurting himself

And we shall also have a dedication to NannersTheSpellCastor, who wanted to see somebody having a freak out on Arthur for what he did. And I choose to do Gwen, so pay attention to her near the end. She finally speaks out ;p

And this chapter is ALSO dedicated to Heilyx, who wanted to see Gaius telling Arthur his mother would've been ashamed to see the man he's become

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"What on earth are you talking about, Gaius? I am quite sure my father is capable of handling Bayard and his men while I'm seeing to this." Arthur exclaimed, when Gaius continued being quiet after basically trying to kick him out. Arthur would have thought, perhaps Gaius simply wanted privacy so there wasn't any distractions while he worked on Merlin. But that would not have made any sense. It wasn't as if Gaius was doing any kind of intensive surgery on him, and he hadn't asked Gwen to take her leave either. In fact, Gwen appeared as if she was going to be a staple at Merlin's side, wiping at the tears brimming in the corner of her eyes, avoiding Arthur's look as she continued to tend to Merlin. Arthur frowned heavily, and turned back to the aged physician. "Besides, my consort is literally hovering at a doorstep for death. I have every right to be here and look over him to make sure nothing else happens while he's out."

As far as Arthur was concerned, there was an untold amount of danger anywhere and everywhere. If his consort could find danger in a cup Arthur had been two seconds from drinking-maybe he had wanted to get a little drunk, gain a bit of liquid courage if he planned to play with the crease that separated Merlin's thigh and private bits when he returned to his seat-then there was no telling what else could carry danger. And there was no doubt in his mind, even with his consort being unconscious, the boy would still manage to find something that could hurt him. Hell, if Merlin hadn't gone and thrown so many fits about Gwen being his friend, he may have tossed her out on her arse already. But…she pretty much knew far more about what she was doing than Arthur did. So him trying to take her place wasn't going to work out. Best leave all the tending to Gwen, so Arthur couldn't screw Merlin up again.

"Look over…look over him! Is that what you call it! After all you have done to him! Not just today, though today has certainly been the worse, but every other day since he has arrived here because of 'your' father's orders!" It seemed as if something in Gaius had popped, like the pressure in his head had gotten to become too much for the usually calm headed physician the very second Arthur tried to protest. Arthur had reeled back in his shock, trying to get away from Gaius-who had never once in all Arthur's life, yelled at him like that-but Gaius didn't care if Arthur was a bloody prince. Arthur was a man first, and as a man, he needed to get his shit together. Gaius himself would be willing to admit he was wrong, because he had did what he thought he had too, and allowed Merlin to make for himself an adult decision to attend this feast, but look at what happened there. No…no…no…clearly, Gaius was the one that was needed to be in charge here. If only to stop Arthur from trying to kill off his boy. "You are literally the only reason he is where he is! You are the reason he's at death's door. So you don't get to play as if you had absolutely nothing to do with this!"

Arthur could feel the world starting to tip sideways, with him helpless to get off the ride. He had no choice but to follow his royal physician's finger to where Merlin was limp and still and might as well be dead if it wasn't for the little puffs of breath being forced out his lips, so pale they could've passed for this white shade. So very different from the usual vivid pink always drawing Arthur's eyes down to it. And Arthur hardly noticed Gwen now, as she hunched in her shoulders and continued petting Merlin's head and neck and face, squeezing herself as tightly against the head board of the bed in her attempt to get as far away from Arthur as she possibly could. The blond man swallowed hard past the major lump just returning to its place in his throat, before turning back to Gaius after Merlin's limp body unsettled him too much.

"I didn't…I…you cannot mean that Gaius. I wasn't the one that put the goblet in his hand and I wasn't the one that made him drink it. He volunteered! And did it before I could stop him! You were right there when it happened! You know what he's like, as I'm sure living with him has made you realize how stubborn he can be when he gets something in his head!" Arthur exclaimed in an almost fevered tone. He wasn't the one that did this, this was all Merlin and Bayard and even the servant boy who filled up their cups could be to blame. Anybody…anybody other than Arthur. Who was just as much of a victim with these crimes as Merlin has been. It had been his cup, after all, that had ended up poisoned to begin with. "You know as well as I do that this boy-" Arthur pointed at Merlin somewhere behind him, ready to even put the blame at Merlin's feet before he admitted any part in this. "Was going to do it no matter what I said or did to him! We can even blame Bayard for actually doing it! But he is most certainly not in this state because of me!"

Arthur places both of his hands on Gaius' desk, as if he'd been both settling himself and trying to implore onto Gaius that out of anybody here, Arthur would certainly be the most innocent member of the group. But Gaius didn't seem to appreciate his very careful and well thought out response, because the aged man's face was steadily growing redder. As if his rage couldn't be contained, and Arthur took a little step back…what had his consort managed to do to his physician in the last month he'd lived there? To make Gaius jump to his defense as if he, for an odd reason, thought Merlin could do no wrong. When Arthur himself, already knew all the wrong things Merlin could do. All one had to do was look at Merlin now, to know he had jumped into something that was more than he could handle…again.

"Don't you dare…don't you dare try and act as if this should be his fault only! Yes, Merlin acted rashly. But who's the one that pushed him over the edge. You and your arrogance and your constant pushing and cruel behavior…you are the only reason he stepped foot on the edge of sanity to begin with." The aged physician continued to shout, his face growing steadily redder and redder, so badly that Arthur almost feared he would force the older man into having a heart attack. But Gaius didn't look as concerned as he should be, rounding his desk so he could continue to fuss at Arthur. "Because of 'you', Merlin acted in an attempt to get away from you. I don't care what happened, you might as well have put the poison in my nephew's cup yourself, you awful, awful boy!" And the prince took several large steps back to get away, but Gaius only followed him, jabbing a finger at him as if he wished it was a dagger to cut Arthur's heart out with. "Just go! Get out and don't you ever come back! Before you damage him more than you already have!"

Gaius threw his hands in the air, and Arthur made this loud 'oof' sound when he backed into one of the many tables that stood before him. For a second, Arthur had genuinely thought the old man was going to try and hit him. But Gaius only spun around, his long robes flaring around him in a dramatic fashion as he stomped back to flick through his books. Arthur released the breath he was holding, trying to contemplate what had just happened. Gaius was…throwing him out? For Merlin. Because he believed Arthur was the reason for this…once again, Arthur got a flash of memory striking him. Of that lost and desolate…dead eye stare…Merlin had been giving him just before he had drunk the poison.

No…no…it wasn't Arthur's fault. It wasn't. He wasn't the one that put Merlin in this state! Even in his worse moods, where he imagined doing the most vile and painful things to Merlin, had he wanted to watch his consort starting to slip further and further away from him, to a place where Arthur couldn't follow behind him. His head was starting to pound with his denial, his refusal to accept what he had done. It wasn't him. It wasn't…it kept repeating in the back of his mind like a mantra. Sounding as if it was trying to convince him of this, rather than actually believing it. But it was true, wasn't it? Arthur had…there must have been something he could have done to stop Merlin. If he had been faster. If he had been smarter. Surely he could have gotten the cup away from Merlin. Surely he could have…no. He was allowing Gaius to get in his head. Something only his one and only consort had managed to do. They had clearly spent too much time together…

Arthur wasn't cruel.

He didn't show Merlin cruel behavior.

He didn't.

Everything Arthur had done was only to correct Merlin. Or him trying to discipline Merlin for stepping out of line. Or trying to mold him into a perfect consort, meant to stand directly at his side despite their differences. Maybe Arthur's methods could have been seen as unorthodox-especially the things he'd been planning to do, but couldn't because Merlin was dying, dying…dying-but they would have given him proper results. Would've fixed everything if he only had a chance to utilize his methods and try them out. Find the perfect combination that would get Merlin 'perfect.'

But there was no such thing as perfect, was there?

And Merlin was too willful to submit to anything Arthur would have given him willingly.

But he was damn brave too…braver than any other husband or consort would have been. It was one thing to be damn stupid enough to run into a cave without weapons to face a monster who might or might not be in there. But drinking certain death was leagues ahead of that. Or maybe bravery wasn't the right word for it, and Gaius was right, and Merlin had simply acted in an attempt to get away from him. But the only reason the other boy would try to get away from him…was a reason Arthur could not handle.

He wasn't abusive…

Everything he had done had been with Merlin's best interest in mind…but was that something an abuser would say. Because it was pretty clear Merlin hadn't thought much of Arthur trying to enforce his rules and conducts and corrections onto him….the prince shook his head, and had the nerve to glance over in the direction of Gwen. As if he was half expecting for her-a simple serving girl who should've been in awe of her prince-rise up to defend his good name when he himself couldn't. But the other girl only seemed to shrink into herself more, flinching beneath his gaze in a way Arthur had never noticed before, but seemed abundantly clear now. Trying to use Merlin's prone body to try and hide her form…

What has Merlin said about Gwen before…about how he had to apologize to her because he had no idea of the damage he did to the people around him…Arthur swallowed hard, and tried to dismiss what was right in front of him by turning back to Gaius once again flicking through the pages of his back. Acting as if he hadn't just thrown this massive fit in front of his prince…the prince might have even thought he had imagined it himself. If it wasn't for the anxiety and nervousness coursing through him.

"Errr…Gaius…" Arthur started in this increasing uncertain tone, and he winced as if somebody had just shot an arrow at him as the physician turned to the next page in his book rougher than he had been. Arthur glanced back at Gwen, but she seemed to be refusing to lift her head up to meet his gaze. And the prince saw the way she was intertwining her fingers between Merlin's limp ones…Arthur dragged his gaze away. Deciding facing the physician's anger was more acceptable behavior than fussing at Gwen for getting too handsy with his consort. "…I think you might have misspoken a moment earlier. When you were err…I mean when you were yelling at me. You said something and it doesn't make any sense, perse."

Arthur had been positive only Merlin could make him feel as if he was the stupidest man alive-he glanced over at Merlin, half expecting the other man to jump up and claim this whole thing was just his sick idea of a joke to see how Arthur would react-but it seemed as if Gaius also had a similar way of doing it. To a lesser degree, but it was still there, nonetheless. And there'd actually been plenty of things Gaius had yelled at him that was not making sense, or things Arthur refused to make sense out of. Even if it had been literally spelt out for him. But the prince went quiet, half hoping Gaius would pick up on which part that he meant. But Gaius was ignoring him, flipping through all the pages of his book as if Arthur wasn't there. Until the silence in the room had dragged out to uncomfortable levels of distress, and the only sounds were Merlin's muffled breathing trying to accompany the pages of the book. Arthur almost felt stupid to bring it up, when his consort was lying helpless-so helpless, it was strange. Even with Merlin not being a fighter, his constant smart mouth usually made up for it a great deal-but there had to be some kind of boundaries put in place. Gaius couldn't just go around making unfounded claims on Camelot's consort, not when the boy was meant to be an infallible person who stood far above the rest.

So Arthur brought it up again, trying to gain himself some kind of control in a situation falling rapidly out of his hands. "You've said that Merlin was your nephew!" The words blurted from his throat, making it feel sore and raw, but Arthur knew it was very little to what Merlin must be going through. And okay, he could not protect his consort from his own stupidity. And Arthur may be the one in the wrong here. But he refused to admit it, so he could do the one thing he could do, and protect Merlin from a claim he didn't agree with. Arthur's next words came out in a jumbled heap. "I know that Merlin has been living here for far longer than I thought he would-" Arthur had honestly thought Merlin would break and return to the comforts of his suite in a day or two. But again, Merlin had blown past his expectations and didn't even have the courtesy of waving back to Arthur as he was left behind. "And for some reason you have decided to take him under your wing. But perhaps you are allowing your familiarity with my consort to cloud your judgement-" he still couldn't get over the way Gaius had yelled at him. "But there's got to be some kind of boundary in place here so nobody goes too far or oversteps. He's not your family. He's not your son or your brother or your cousin or, as you said, your nephew. He's my consort, my husband. Which makes him mine. But if things aren't like that, then perhaps I should just bundle him up, and let him rest in his Royal suite while you look for the cure?"

Arthur was feeling pretty pleased with himself by the time he was done speaking, as it made perfect sense for him. Merlin should be around family-mine, Arthur thought in the back of his mind almost ravenously. Mine to protect-but it took Arthur only a few seconds to realize something was increasing wrong instead. Gaius had stopped flipping through his book-why did he stop looking? Merlin needed help now, and not looking was delaying how long Merlin got a cure fixed up-and now had his jaw opened a little. Staring at Arthur with an incomprehensible expression on his face. And glancing over, even Gwen stopped playing with Merlin's fingers long enough to give him the same 'what the fuck' expression that Gaius was.

"What…why is everybody looking at me like that?" Arthur was demanding in a rough tone-he was pretty sure Merlin would've been giving him the same look if he was awake-and it felt as if it was starting to burrow itself under his skin. This feeling, as if he was missing something important but couldn't began to tell what it was. Bad enough for Arthur to be accused of doing this to Merlin-it wasn't his fault, it wasn't his fault, it wasn't his own fault at all-but now people were looking at him as if he was the one that had gone mad. Arthur wasn't the mad one! Gaius was the one trying to lay claim on his family! He was only supposed to wake Merlin up. Not claim him in some weird fashion when it was Arthur who had the most important claim of all on the boy. But the silence grew too long again, and the air grew tenser till Arthur felt his teeth starting to gash together. "What! Why are you all looking at me like that! It's perfectly reasonable to not want my consort around people trying to claim him! It would've been irresponsible of me not to correct this misunderstanding, right?"

Since claiming people was something extremely important in their society. Not really so much anymore…back in the days of cavemen and their ancestors just putting their roots down in a single mass of land, claiming people was done more often and more fiercely. Like when a woman had just turned old enough to marry, men would fight for her hand in battle arenas and be the one to 'claim her' in a public setting by being the last man still standing. Sometimes 'literally' claim her by proving he was the only one to have her-sexually, to be blunt-in front of other men specifically chosen to watch. The winner claimed being a first for his new bride, with witnesses to prove the claiming as a success. Leaving nobody to question parentage when a child was born not long after.

Their society had obviously changed and adapted to ways that were a bit more civilized in the last three hundreds years, back when those events were more common. Claiming was done in a more subtle way now, barely even called 'claiming'. Done with marriage ceremonies and wedding rings and then being called 'husbands and wife's'. A term meant to satisfy the women way back in the day when they first started complaining about men treating them as property. It was a more proper term than men calling them 'their claimed'. Women were still treated as if they were property in a lot of cases, but it was masked and dressed up to look more equal than it had once been. And nobody else watched when the couple consummated their union anymore, as the idea had fallen out of fashion a couple generations ago, which only worked in Arthur's favor, and allowed him to get out of his own consummation with Merlin relatively easy.

But Claiming was not always between two people becoming one. It could be used between an adult and a child…Morgana and Uther would have been paternally claimed if they all lived during those times. Because Uther had taken Morgana in as a ward, another new term that had only came in existence in the last century or so. As a way of separating 'claiming' from more modern views. Gaius was trying to force a claim of his own by doing the same with Merlin…making Merlin a ward? But it was not going to work, because Arthur was his husband. And he'd deny the other man permission to have anything to do with his consort…once he had woken up. Merlin would be upset about it. But he would see it was for the best, Arthur decided with a resolute nod of his head. Nobody should have claim over the prince's consort…

Arthur steadfastly ignored how he had used that term again…

'Merlin would see Arthur's decisions for him being the best with no actual input from the consort.'

"…Arthur. I am not entirely sure how it has somehow managed to escape your notice, but I am not trying to lay a claim on him. I already had a claim on him long before you or I even knew he existed." Gaius spoke in this slow and infuriating tone, but the prince's eyebrows creased together, not really getting it. The only 'claim' that was stronger than a marriage bond or one that was between adult and child would have been a blood claim. It was exactly what it sounded like, the kind of claim people were born into. Their biological family. But that didn't make any kind of sense…surely he would know…but what did Arthur know of Merlin's family. Other than they had signed him away to a total stranger…Arthur couldn't even remember what the names he'd read off the contract when it was first shown to him was. Gaius seemed to have seen his expression, and sighed heavily, "I feel as if I am going to have to explain this to you very carefully, for you to understand this Arthur. Merlin and I. Share. The. Same. Blood."

Gaius spoke these words very slowly, as if he thought Arthur was a complete and utter dunderhead. And Arthur could not say he blamed him one bit, his mouth falling open…if the world had felt like it was turning sideways earlier. Then it had turned all the way completely upside down now, and Arthur could not for sure say rather or not he was still standing. The same…his consort and Gaius shared the same blood? As in the two were family. As in Gaius was a very real male relative to Merlin….the prince whipped his head back around to Merlin, half expecting for the other boy to lift his head just long enough to give him a proper explanation for this. Like why didn't he tell him he was related to Gaius, of all people. Why didn't he…things would've been different if Arthur had known. He would've treated Merlin differently if he had known…right? Gaius was a well respected member of their community. Arthur would have treated him as the child of a noble, rather than the child of peasants.

Arthur felt as if he was gaping like some kind of demented fish and Gaius rolled his eyes before clarifying something his own consort had denied him his right to know, "Merlin is the son of my younger half sister, who left Camelot many years ago. And you know what? I never knew why, since she disappeared with mysterious circumstances. After a time, I was convinced she'd probably be dead by now. But then…" Arthur watched as Gaius turned his gaze onto Merlin, a soft and sad little fond smile on his lips. And that was why he saw it…Gaius' eyes. A blue color so similar and striking to Merlin. And then there had been the way Arthur noted earlier how Gaius managed to get under his skin the same way as Merlin…it was because Gaius reminded him 'of' Merlin. The same fiery temper showing, though Gaius had obviously had a good few decades at learning to keep that temper leveled. "Merlin showed up on my door the day before you married, with a letter from her. Asking me to look after him when she no longer could. It was only after I read it, did I learn my sister had left because your father had started up the great purge and she had grown fearful of him. She didn't know if his ire would turn on her and her son next, and being just a simple peasant herself, she didn't have the resources to get out from under your father's thumb." Gaius' voice grew more solemn as he finished, more stricken with the ideas of what lives they all could have been living if Merlin's mother hadn't ran away. "She was trying to spare her son the same fate she would have had if she had stayed. Being nothing more than a prisoner within a glided cage."

Gaius turned his gaze-hot, and searing, and disappointed and so much like Merlin's that it made Arthur's chest ache in a way that took his breath away-onto him. And Arthur grasped onto the corner of the table he had ran into earlier, to keep himself balanced and not on his arse on the floor. So many thoughts ran through Arthur's mind, so many that he could hardly keep up with them at all. So many things that had no reverence with today's situation but suddenly seemed to make so much sense with this new found information. Information that he 'should've known' from the beginning. But didn't. Because Arthur had not bothered trying to learn such a simple fact about Merlin…

Like all those months ago, when Arthur had turned up on the Royal physician's doorstep, begging him to falsify records and make his father think Arthur had taken Merlin's 'virtue.' Arthur had thought Gaius had given in-willing to commit treason and lie to his king's face-far easier than he should've. But he had been so happy to have Gaius on his side, he hadn't bothered to ask more questions on 'why' he was willing to lie for him. Or not for him…Gaius hadn't lied for 'Arthur.' He had lied because Merlin was his nephew, and he was trying to keep him as safe as he could be from Arthur's father, as Arthur had been. Would Arthur had learned then, that Merlin was related to Gaius, if he had stopped for two seconds to ask the right questions? And would it have really changed 'everything' Arthur had done with the boy in the last few months if he had known…

But it also explained why Merlin had wanted to live with Gaius instead of in his Royal suite, and why Gaius had welcomed him into his home with opened arms. Because families often ended up living together. But from what Gaius had said, Merlin'd been a stranger to him before he showed up. Which meant his poor little consort hadn't known Gaius either. Which meant Merlin'd preferred living with a literal stranger over staying where it was he had originally been. Arthur's hand slowly grew tight around the corner of wood he was holding onto like a lifeline. Now, he had already figured Merlin and Gaius were obviously strangers when his consort first moved in, but knowing they were family made his chest sting. Because wasn't Arthur family…why was Gaius' side of the family more important than Arthur's? Why live in close confines with an uncle, instead of in luxury with a husband?

"Why…" Arthur's voice sounded croaky as the word escaped his lips. He had to stop and wet them, averting his eyes onto the ground at his feet. "Why didn't he tell me?" He asked the Royal physician, no. He asked Merlin's uncle, this question. He was suddenly so much more important than just 'physician'. A male relative…Merlin actually had one of those nearby. In a far more normal circumstance, Gaius would have been the one he would have gone too for anything dealing with Merlin. If Arthur had happened to be gay, and wanted Merlin for himself, it was Gaius he would've had to approach. To ask if he was willing to give away Merlin's hand in marriage. To ask if he could have a formal courtship with the boy. The one Arthur would have had to impress, if he wanted Merlin in his bed. Because Gaius was the one that could have told him 'no' and sent the prince away with no real explanation for 'why' Arthur couldn't try his hand at wooing Merlin. "Why did Merlin hide this information from me?"

Arthur, for the first time in his life, felt as if he was lost. Lost in a great abyss where there wasn't even a lighthouse standing watch on the harbor and willing to guide him home. He felt so …betrayed, in a strange way. Merlin should have told him this. He should have sat Arthur down, and instead of making claims of abuse, he could have told Arthur about his uncle and…fuck. It was as if a shot of electricity went through Arthur's spine as a thought occurred to him. Had Merlin complained to his uncle about Arthur's 'abuse?' The boy never did shut up, it would've made sense if he did. Gaius could cause so much trouble with the royal family if he started throwing a fuss, and the bruises on Merlin's face certainly didn't scream being disciplined. The physician could possibly ruin Camelot, if he demanded Arthur pay this ungodly amount for the physical damage he had laid on the boy.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck…Arthur had never regretted hitting his consort in the face more than he did now. Not even parading his consort in front of his father had been enough to cause all this anxiety. He should've done something else instead, maybe in a place where it wouldn't have been seen…and Arthur's face seemed to go pale as all the color drained out of his face. Was it possible for Gaius to 'know' about all the things he had been wanting to do to his nephew? It was one thing to have imagine his consort on his knees before him, stripped of his clothing as he was left completely up to Arthur's mercy. It was one thing if Arthur wanted to whip him till beads of blood started to slowly form, or brand him until he knew he was Arthur's. But it felt so much more awkward with Gaius in the room, as if the man was able to read his thoughts with one look at Arthur under those bushy white eyebrows. Like Arthur had just been caught trying to have a roll in the sheets with a nobleman's daughter by the girl's very own father.

If Gaius knew about all the things he wanted with Merlin…then he was so fucking screwed.

"I believe you would have to ask him that yourself whenever he wakes up. Though I am sure he didn't hide it from you, as he's had no problems telling other people." Gaius said bluntly, as if he didn't know those words were ripping Arthur's heart out of his chest. The prince whipped his head back around to look at Gwen, as if to see if this was true. But Gwen didn't seem as if she was at all surprised by this strange new relation…how did 'Gwen' know before he did. Who else knew something like this before Arthur did? Why did it feel as if Arthur was the last one to know anything. And why would Merlin embarrass him in this way… "What exactly have you been doing in these last several months other than tormenting my nephew? Want exactly could you tell me about my nephew? Have you even learned a single thing about him since he's been here? Or have you been 'busy' and unable to talk to your consort for five minutes in ways that are not disrespectful?"

Gaius couldn't have known it, but his words felt as if Arthur had just been struck across the face. Sharp and sudden and in a strange reenactment of how Arthur had hit Merlin…because Gaius was right. There was no denying this. Even when Arthur opened up his mouth to tell Gaius exactly what he knew, he'd had to stop to think for a minute before closing his mouth up once again. Because honestly…what did he know about Merlin at all? He knew Merlin was a little spitfire who gave as good as he was given. Knew the boy could curse worse than a sailor or could holler louder than Arthur could…knew everywhere Merlin went ended up with some kind of chaos happening. Knew his consort was ungodly light, since a child probably weighed far more than he did. But what else did he know about Merlin. All of that were just personality traits or things that had happened around him. They didn't tell Arthur who Merlin 'was'. There was not a single fact in there that told Arthur one detail about what else he didn't know about Merlin's family. Didn't tell him what Merlin liked to do in his spare time when he wasn't giving him a headache. Didn't tell Arthur why the boy never seemed as if he was gaining weight, despite the vast amount of food being provided to him from the kitchens. Didn't tell Arthur what his consort was like when he wasn't yelling at people…

"Oh," Gaius said bluntly, having returned to the other side of the desk so he could continue flipping through his book. And Arthur stiffened, absolutely positive Gaius was about to start laying into him for-he had every right to do so, and Arthur had to take the complaints of Merlin's uncle without protest, to not disrespect the wise physician more than he already had-for all he had done to Merlin. Maybe even give him some other facts Arthur was absolutely clueless about, and suddenly desperate to know…if only so he could say he knew something about his consort that the vast population of the city wouldn't. "Just so we are clear, my nephew does not pester me. And for as long as he is interested, I will continue fostering whatever interest he's gain in medicine. I do not care if the royal family does not approve of such an activity. Because in 'my family,' we do not waste one's talents simply because others might see it being an 'unsightly chore' instead of something one enjoys."

Arthur blinked at Gaius utterly baffled, watching as the other man started flipping through several more pages to try and locate whatever plant it was trying to kill Merlin. It took him a glance at Merlin-just to check on him once again, and watch with a jealous envy as Gwen had now started playing with his wristbone absentmindedly. It was so easy for a girl to be able to show their emotions in a way Arthur-both as a man and as a prince-never could. But he had to look away when he realized Gwen's shoulders were shaking, as if she struggled not to start crying in front of the unconscious Merlin, who was not ever going to know if she did or not-for him to realize what Gaius was going on about.

It was almost like a distant memory now, something that had happened so long ago, Arthur was almost surprised he could drag the memory out as if it had happened yesterday. It'd been the day Arthur had found Merlin wearing that stupid little thing he called a flower in his neckerchief, given to him by the lovely young Gwen. So much of the memory was filled with Arthur, his righteous anger, and growing irritant because Merlin had never worn a flower from Arthur before. Granted, Arthur had not ever given him a flower, but that was hardly the point. Anyway, he'd been concerned about Merlin making himself too 'at home' in Gaius' home. He had cautioned Merlin against pestering Gaius while he was there, and warned him not to bother Gaius with a thing concerning 'medical facts'. Not only was it unseemly for a consort to be seen as if he was 'working', for his upkeep, but it had been especially concerning when Merlin had tried to tell him some off hand random fact he had learned. He had simply brushed Merlin aside, but now he desperately wanted to know what the boy had been going on about. And wished he'd taken two seconds to listen, and add the new memory to the largely growing collection of all things Merlin in his head.

Gaius had been inside, and must have overheard some of it…

"Gaius, I would never try and discourage Merlin from trying to seek out activities that make him happy-" Arthur cut himself off abruptly, when he realized Gaius had stopped to shoot him a withering stare. And the prince swallowed hard…right. Arthur had already tried discouraging Merlin from continuing such an activity…had even suggested something as dull and as boring as needlepoint was a more acceptable activity. But he guessed Merlin following medicine was no more different than how he'd taken up sword fighting…because it was something his family did. Something be needed to learn as a prince, but it had also became something he was unfairly good at doing. "Well, what I meant to say is that I won't discourage him from doing it again. It would be disrespectful of me to try and go against your own family and its traditions instead of trying to combine them with what the Pendragon family does…"

Arthur's tongue felt like it had grown twice its normal size, so large and clumsy from its home in his mouth. He had not ever had so much trouble talking with the other man like he seemed to be struggling now. In fact, Gaius had always felt like he was the easiest adult to talk to. For as long as Arthur actually cared to remember, Gaius had been there. Hell, Arthur was willing to say Gaius was easier than talking to his own father. But that'd also been when Gaius was a simple physician who had worked under their family for years. But being Merlin's uncle made him feel as if this was infinitely more harder than it should be. This was only Gaius! He shouldn't be having this much trouble. But he had already disappointed the man. And left a majorly sour impression on him….fuck. For some strange reason, Arthur had not once considered what he would do if he ever ended up in a confrontation with Merlin's family. They were just some distant people he never expected to meet, because it would've been stupid to show up in Camelot after trying to run away all those years ago. But Gaius was here, and he had been for years, and Arthur needed to fix things because he couldn't have Gaius be disappointed in him or cause trouble for them, and…

"Gaius, I'm not going anywhere!" Arthur blurted out far louder than he meant too, but he didn't dare take it back either. Gaius having tried to throw him out 'because' he thought Arthur did not care enough to stay and see what happens came back to the prince like a sledgehammer over the head. He might have disappointed the man, and shamed him and his family, but he could at least prove he wasn't going anywhere. That was what one did for family….yes? If it was Uther or Morgana lying on the deathbed, then he would have been by their side. Merlin would not be any different. Except he was…Merlin was very different from the rest of his family. Because it would feel as if a part of him was missing if he tried to leave these chambers, knowing not if Merlin was going to pull through. It was one thing for him to have stayed away from him all this time, because at least he was fairly confident the boy still lived. But now…Arthur wasn't going to leave even if somebody managed to drag him out the room. "I know that you want me to leave, because I did wrong to you and yours. But I refuse to leave his side, and I need you to know that I won't go anywhere. Merlin needs me, now more than ever. So I need you to just…keep looking for the cure and let me keep him safe while you do that."

God…did Merlin really need him now more than ever, thought the prince as he shot another glance over towards Merlin. His consort seemed to have grown paler in the short time since he had looked at him last, and it caused this foreboding feeling in the pit of his gut, telling him to do whatever he needed to get Merlin up and about again. And once Merlin was recovered, he and Arthur could talk with Gaius present. Arthur could have a talk with Gaius-as protocol dictates when accepting someone into their family through marriage-about what the other would want to see between the unification of their family. Things like expectations and what each family could get out of the other…the Pendragon's already had Gaius' loyalty from his years and years of service. But that also felt so one-sided, perhaps the Pendragon's could offer Gaius extra pay for allowing them to keep Merlin. Not like Gaius could do much against the contract signed by Merlin's parents, but giving Gaius something would probably give him less reason to start a fuss about Merlin and his treatment so far.

Clearly, Arthur was gonna have to readdress how he treated Merlin, now that he knew Gaius was always going to be nearby and watching. Because Arthur was a man who needed to work out his own dealings with Merlin's family, rather than allowing a contract signed when he was too young to consent, continue being in control.

…It never occurred to Arthur to think about including Merlin in these talks, the boy just sitting off to the sideline as if he and his uncle wasn't discussing what was acceptable within their marriage…

"Needs you? He needs you? You are seriously going to stand there and claim you have any interest in 'protecting Merlin? It is rich! Coming from you!" And Arthur winced at the loudness of Gaius' voice, having to resist the childish urge to cover up his ears. He had only been trying to get onto Gaius' good side and showing he was there for Merlin-wasn't that what people wanted from their partners?-but it seemed as if Arthur made a fatal mistake in asserting himself. "The only protection Merlin needs is 'from' you. Where were you this entire time when he 'needed you' to be there for him. Where were you when Merlin was hiding away in his room. Being by himself all the time. Not a single soul he felt he could turn too? What were you doing as I was turning knights and servants away from my practice after deciding their injuries as superficial the second they started to gripe about their 'consort'. You will be surprised by the level of hostility and gossip people feel the need to talk about with the people treating their wounds. But you wouldn't know anything about this, would you? Because my nephew has been here and only here. With me. And with Morgana. And Gwen! But never in the month has he been living with me have I ever saw you until you needed your consort. Not Merlin. But your bloody Consort to do his part. Have you not hurt him enough? Don't you think it's more damaging to pretend you care now, and then what? I bet you'd just go back to ignoring him if he pulls through this! I do not want you near him when I'm already trying to reverse all the damage you-inevitably or not-have done to him!"

By the time Gaius had stopped to take a deep breath after he'd finished yelling at Arthur, the entire room was so quiet, hearing a cricket chirp could have started them. But Arthur was staring at Gaius with wide unseeing eyes, his brain feeling as if it was stuck in a standstill, leaving Arthur unable to connect his brain to his body. To make himself move. To do anything. To try and understand what Gaius had just said…protecting. Merlin had to be protected from him? But that was all Arthur had been doing this entire time…hadn't he? Sure, Arthur had gotten violent on the boy once or twice, but wasn't that his right as a husband? But he had protected Merlin from other threats…or maybe he'd only been protecting Merlin from the more vocal threats. There was no telling what was going on between all those weeks that Arthur spent avoiding Merlin as if he was the one that caught a hold of the plague that ran rampant through their kingdom just a few weeks ago-the kingdom had only just finished doing this intensive cleanup a few days ago. Burning bodies and moving people's belongings back into their homes after all the knights had torn through it looking for sorcery.

"What…what are you talking about? What do you mean you've been turning away my knights? Why…" Arthur latched onto the vital piece of information Gaius had let slip during his extreme rampage on him. He couldn't even think about how he'd gone and disappointed Gaius once again. Not with this icy cold fear starting to creep its way into his chest. Making his heart pound in his eardrums-thumpthumpthump-as if it was the only thing in the world that he could hear. Arthur wasn't stupid, he knew there would've been some kind of controversy among his own people about him marrying a peasant. But Gaius was literally an embodiment of professionalism and getting his work done with the best of his abilities. And to hear he had been turning his knights away when they sought medical attention…exactly what were his knights saying. Arthur took a step away from the table he'd been half holding onto this entire time, throwing out a frantic finger. "Gaius, I demand you explain yourself! What's my knights got to do with anything? What have they done that would cause your ire? I want their names, and details on what they said about my consort, and when and where these kinds of incidents took place."

There couldn't have been many, Arthur thought with an almost desperate air to him…perhaps one or two had grown confident and overzealous and needed to be put back in their places and be taught badmouthing his consort was unacceptable. Yes, his Merlin was a brat. But there was an entirely different ring when somebody else thought they bought taunt Merlin like Arthur's done. And Gaius was clearly overprotective of his nephew, as he seems to have no trouble yelling at a Royal. So maybe the knights had done something, had only said something verging on disrespectful but not something Arthur would've thought a moment more about. Surely if it was anything worse, then the boy would have came and told him. Or…Arthur's shoulders sag down in a desolate and lost manner…maybe Merlin would not have bothered to tell him anything. After all, if Merlin couldn't take a second to tell Arthur he should be nice to him because he owed it to Gaius' long standing service with their family. He could hardly expect Merlin to tell him about other things that'd been going on.

Arthur did know one thing though…he was more than willing to take his anger and frustration out on these knights. Slice their heads off for even the simplest complaint against his consort.

"If you didn't care to notice your consort was sick long before he actually drunk the poison, sick because of the people you failed to keep away from him, then I do not care to tell you one single thing. I hope you stew in agony, not knowing what he's gone through without you. And he's still stronger than you've given him credit for. Most people would've crumbled under the pressure. And even I only know bits and pieces. I am sure that it's much worse than what I've actually heard." Gaius said in a blunt tone, seemingly not caring that this was 'exactly' what he was going through. This agonizing pain in his chest as he grew with questions and the mystery of not knowing driving him into near insanity. Gaius looked as if this marked the end of the two of them talking, and turned back to his book, flipping through several more pages to find the match to the flower petal sitting so innocently beside him. Before he muttered just loud enough for Arthur to hear, "Why are you even still here. When you can be doing what you always do, and disappear when he actually needs you."

Arthur's mouth felt sour, coating the insides of his cheeks and his tongue as if it was coated in slime. His hands shook almost dangerously at his side…no, no, no, no. Gaius was wrong, he'd never disappeared when Merlin needed him. Or was Arthur so blind…Arthur wanted to bring his hands up to cover his ears as if it would drown out the screams echoing inside his head. The screams that sounded vaguely like Merlin trying to give him all the answers to what little information Gaius could give him. He needed to know…needed to drag those answers out from pink bitten lips…needed to know what had made Merlin 'sick' long before he drunk the poison. Was he actually sick? Or had that only been metaphorically. Gaius had made it sound as if it was far more than just a couple of his knights having a smartmouth in his consort's presence. But how bad was it…why had he not known about this? Why did he not once see…

He knew why…

Because it was as Gaius had said.

Arthur was never there when Merlin needed him.

Hell, the boy was a bloody whore! Did his men actually treat his consort like they would with any whore off the street, when they should have been treating him respect. Despite the whole 'open legs policy' Arthur could only imagine him having. Arthur could only imagine the kind of insults his men would have for a normal whore, let along one that came with a royal bloodline at its beck and call. He should have seen something like this long before it became an actual problem. But maybe if Merlin didn't go opening his legs for the first man to look at him, then none of this would have happened….right?

"Gaius, I really don't know how much you know about me and Merlin, but I really did try my best. Especially whenever he had first showed up…I tried showing him things-" Arthur trailed off as he remembered exactly what he had shown Merlin…how to throw a punch the one and only time he had taken the boy out to the training grounds with him. Or how Arthur had taught him how to put on his armor during the tourney, oh…wait. That had not actually been Arthur. Gwen-god, it seemed so silly now but he had been so angry when he first heard-had been the one to teach him. Arthur should've done that. But it didn't matter who taught him, because Arthur found it troubling, as he scrambled his mind desperately, to realize he couldn't think of much he'd done. That couldn't be right…but it was. And Arthur refused to think saving Merlin from the big things trying to kill him, would be something Gaius cared for. No…it was the far smaller things that counted too, but those were preciously few. And then the prince was ruthfully shaking his head, "I really did try…"

But Arthur sounded as if he was only repeating himself, no real words coming forth from his extensive vocabulary that may've better explained himself. They sounded exactly as they were…nothing more than an excuse. Nothing more than something a man like Arthur might say to himself as he was nodding off into a sleeping state. Something to assuage any guilt one might've been feeling for ending up in this situation to begin with. Gaius was looking at him now, with haunting eyes that caused Arthur to have the sudden urge to duck his head down as if he was a kicked dog. Merlin would've never ducked his head down like this…neither of the men noticed the way Gwen had turned the consort's hand over. Neither men noticed Gwen's eyebrows as they came together, furrowing as she trailed her hand along a few odd shaped markings embedded in Merlin's wrist.

"You did your best? Really? If your best is calling somebody a whore, then people really don't need enemies now, do they?" Gaius sneered at him, and Arthur winced almost violently. This was not…totally expected. Gaius really was Merlin's uncle, had Merlin ran here straight after the incident and told Gaius about what had happened? Knowing Merlin, he had probably painted Arthur in a bad light. Did Gaius know Arthur had meant it to be literal…a whore was literally what it was called when one slept with everything in sight. But Arthur had a feeling-if he tried to explain himself-he would only end up digging a far bigger hole for himself. They could bury his body right next to Merlin's own after all of this. "Perhaps you would like for me to force Merlin down and allow you to call him more degrading names? Or you might want me to do what everybody else is doing, and turn a blind eye while you hit him again. You abusive sack of shit…"

Gaius shook his head ruthfully, as if the mere sight of Arthur was disgusting to him, as he flipped once again through the next several pages. And Arthur's mouth opened and closed up again and again, swallowing hard before trying again, and still, no words came forth. And Arthur knew why, when those words started to beat themselves against the inside of his skull as if they were trying to bash his brain open. Abuse…abuse…abuse …Arthur was in denial. But those were the exact same words Merlin had no problem screaming and throwing in his face. He had always thought Merlin was just being dramatic, but Gaius was also the least dramatic person he'd ever known. And now he was saying the same thing, and Arthur didn't know how he was meant to handle that. Or any of this…where did Arthur go from here…

"Gaius! Gaius! Something's wrong with Merlin!" Gwen's loud scream of panic ran throughout the small chambers, Merlin's arm falling from her fingers and landing on the bed with a limp thud. It was as if a switch had been flicked inside of his head…Gaius could think whatever he wanted to think about Arthur. It wasn't like he could change the past. But Merlin needed him at this moment, and Arthur tried to get to his side. He really did…if only to see what made Gwen scream so terrified. But Gaius was already pushing past him, coming to look at Merlin to see what was happening himself. Arthur bit back a violent curse he could feel trying to escape from his lips-one of the few traces of Merlin's influence he still had-when he felt like this failure by not reaching Merlin's side first. Merlin who was dying, and who could be having some kind of reaction to the poison, or could be breathing his last breath right now…and Arthur couldn't be bothered to get to him first. "Look at his wrist, is the markings from the poison? Is it a sign that he's starting to get worse? Is …Gaius, is Merlin going to…"

She didn't need to finish her sentence for everybody to know what she was about to say…

Is Merlin going to die?

Arthur felt his heart seizing in his chest when Gwen's soft little voice-speaking sorely to Gaius, as if she was content to simple pretend Arthur wasn't in the room at all-broke off into this half sob. Arthur felt so bloody stupid, wasting precious time trying to get on Gaius' good side, when there would be no point with trying to get on Gaius' good side, if the only reason Arthur was doing it was dead. Merlin should have been his first priority, as well as his first concern. Merlin, and only Merlin. He should've told Gaius to shove it, and find the damn cure so Arthur could go back to hating Merlin in peace. But it seemed as if that was an impossible dream with what little he was learning in such a short amount of time…Arthur had never felt so much fear as it raced throughout his body.

Merlin's wrists, those beautifully small and dainty little wrists he had dreamed and fantasized being decorated with equally beautiful golden cuffs, what was wrong with them? Arthur was practically plastered against Gaius' backside, trying to peek at Merlin over his shoulder. But Merlin was growing paler, and the physician was examining Merlin's wrist, and Arthur didn't know one bloody thing about what was going on. Had some kind of rash appeared on Merlin's skin? Meaning the poison had only been spreading faster than they thought it had, while they had been wasting time fighting. Had Merlin's skin broken out with raised welts, or were his veins more visible through the paper thin skin than it should be. Arthur didn't know, but the one and only reason he didn't shove Gaius aside to get a good look for himself, was because Gaius was the only one who would know what the symptoms meant.

"No, Gwen. I do not think these have came from the poison at all. These are something else, but they aren't deadly. At least not as they are now." Gaius said in a soft murmur, ignoring the prince completely. But Arthur hardly cared, his tight chest was already starting to ease up at Gaius' assessment. Good, Merlin wasn't dying. Or at least he wasn't dying more than he'd been a moment ago. This was a good thing, right? But maybe if he'd been paying more attention, he would have heard the stricken tone Gaius was speaking in. Maybe if he had been paying more attention, he wouldn't have been stunned into silence by what Gaius said next. "These wounds are recent, but they have not appeared in the last few minutes. I would estimate from what I can see are the beginning stages of healing, these have to be a few hours old at least. And from the state of Merlin's other hand-" Gaius picked up Merlin's second hand, bringing it over so the hand dangled between him and Gwen. "Just look under his fingernails. The remains of blood…these wounds have been clearly self inflicted. Merlin's been hurting himself."

Gwen's horrific gasp seemed to echo throughout the chamber but it only sounded like white noise in the background…those words kept repeating themselves in Arthur's head like it was an endless loop. Hurting himself…hurting himself…Merlin was hurting himself…no matter how many times those words were repeating themselves, Arthur couldn't connect them to a boy like Merlin. Not Merlin. Not HIS Merlin. It was like Gaius said to him earlier, Merlin was far stronger than anybody-even Arthur himself-would give him credit for. Merlin wouldn't have…what had he done exactly? Cut himself? Had Merlin been going off and cutting himself across his wrists while Arthur had been off doing-what had he been doing while his consort had tried to do the poison's job for it, before the poison itself had graced his lips-ah, yes. Arthur had been 'living life as normally as he could.' He bit back a ruthless curse at his own incompetence-Arthur needed to see it for himself. The desire to see it with his own eyes growing white hot inside of him. He wouldn't believe it without seeing the proof with his own eyes…

"Let me see." Arthur said in this guttural and gutted tone, and it was almost impossible to imagine it came from him. But then the prince was pushing his way between Gaius and Gwen and ignoring the startled yelps as he nearly trampled them over in his urgency to get to Merlin. Merlin…Merlin…Merlin…the prince did not hesitate to snatch up Merlin's wrists, so he could see it for himself. Those delicate wrists somehow seemed as if they were far more fragile than they had been before all this, and so Arthur moved very gingerly when he turned them over, so that the scarred flesh was pointing towards the light. "I…I don't…I don't think I understand…"

Arthur sucked in a deep breath that rattled his ribcage, as his hands squeezed Merlin's wrists a little bit tighter. It felt as if he was going to slip through Arthur's fingers if he let up even just a little bit. But Gaius' assessment had been right, and Gwen'd been right to be horrified. How long had Arthur argued with his consort in the entrance hall before they had gone inside to join the banquet. And how long had Merlin sat at the table beside him before disappearing to the privacy rooms. How had Arthur not notice the light freckles of blood staining the underside of Merlin's otherwise flawless white nails. How hadn't he seen the half moon curbed indentions embedded in Merlin's wrists, the skin was all cut up with bruises edging along the abused piece of flesh. Arthur's entire body was starting to shake, and…

Was Arthur crying?

No.

Princes didn't cry.

But there was a suspicious wetness growing in the corners of his eyes that refused to be denied.

"Why-" Arthur's voice was raw and torn to shreds, as if he had just screamed for hours and hours into the empty abyss in his attempt to be heard. And Arthur didn't even know who it was he was asking…Gaius, or Merlin himself. "Why didn't he tell me he was doing this to himself-" Arthur stopped and ruthfully did he shake his head. He didn't need to ask that question, Arthur already knew Merlin wasn't willing to tell him anything. He had no plans on telling Arthur Gaius was his uncle. Wasn't planning on telling Arthur his knights were apparently picking on him all this time. So why would he tell Arthur something as delicate as this. He changed to a different question, his voice no less raw than it had been with the first, "Why would he do something to himself like this? Why would he hurt himself?"

Arthur's voice wavered, his throat going tight as he lifted his consort's scarred up wrist to his face. Arthur didn't know if all those markings were going to go away overtime, or if Merlin'd already dug too deep and they were there permanently. Arthur didn't want them to be. Didn't want to think of Merlin putting a mark on his flawless skin, one born out of cruelty and a selfish desire…maybe the poison was a godsend, Arthur was thinking as he closed his eyes tightly. And brought his head down low-so he wouldn't strain Merlin's weak body-and pressed the thin wrist against his cheekbone. Breathing in deeply, as if he was trying to memorize the faint, lingering scent of electrify Merlin always carried with him. As if it would be the last time he was ever going to smell it…

The image of Merlin's dead eyes just before he drunk from the cup returned to Arthur's mind with a vengeance, and he could feel his shoulders shaking a little bit more. If Merlin hadn't did what he did, there was a good chance they wouldn't be here at the moment. A good chance Arthur wouldn't have known what Merlin was doing-mutilation-to himself for quite some time. He was almost scared to think about it…how long would he live in ignorance of Merlin's activities if Gwen hadn't seen the cuts on his wrist? How much longer would Merlin have continued with degrading himself like this, before Arthur stumbled upon this secret in some other way. Would Arthur have ever figured out what was going on, or would he only know when Gaius saw fit to inform him that his consort had passed away via suicide.

Because of how deep those cuts would have gone…

They were already deep enough now…

Though even the faintest silver of lining would've been far too deep for Arthur's taste.

And Arthur breathed deeply again, his anger starting to settle in like the feeling one got when they wore an old coat-familiar and comforting-while pressing Merlin's wrist so close, his lips could've brushed against those cuts. How dare he…how dare Merlin try and do something like this. Arthur had spent all this time coming up with plans, and deciding their future, and even admitting to himself what he wanted to do with Merlin. And all this time, Merlin had been planning on leaving him. One way or the other…Merlin would've left him the day he dug in too deep. Leaving Arthur to try and understand just as he was now…how fucking dare Merlin lay claim on his own skin like this. When it should've been Arthur who denied him permission to go mark himself in such a horrific way…

Arthur's grip tightened around Merlin's wrist, but the grip was no less gentle than it had been before, extremely aware of just how delicate Merlin's wrist bone seemed to feel inside his way larger hand. Running his thumb along the bone sticking out as if his touch would have been enough to erase away the marks gracing Merlin's fair skin.

"Really, Arthur? You honestly have to ask why Merlin would do this to himself? It can't possibly be because he's trapped with an abuser? There's only so much a boy, even Merlin, can take before he starts doing something outrageous." Gaius sneered from somewhere behind him. And Gwen bowed her head, and clenched tightly at the folds of her skirts as her bangs fell into her eyes to cast a shadow. Arthur didn't even try to argue with the other man, what was it could he say? Protest and claim the newfound marks were not because of him? Who else could the consort have caused them for? Arthur didn't even bother with trying to protest against the term being used against him once again. Abuser. He…he had to be, right? People didn't just start mutilating their fair skin for the fun of it. There was something that usually pushed them over the edge…good god. How long had Merlin been doing this to himself? Had Arthur hitting him across the face been the start? Or had Merlin already started doing it before then? "Besides, I don't know why you are going to try so hard to act as if you care now. There's nobody in this room that doesn't know what you've already done with him. I mean, you've bruised his face and fractured his wrist already, so a few mutilation marks should be nothing to you."

Gaius had sneered this at him, but with Arthur hunched across Merlin's body, he couldn't see the way Arthur stared blankly in front of him, or the pale sheen of his skin as whatever color he had been clinging onto seemed to drain out of him. Fractured.. Arthur had fractured Merlin's wrist? But no…that could've have been right. Arthur vividly remembered hitting Merlin across his face, could remember how he had relished in their beauty after seeing the results for the first time-but the bruises looked so much more grotesque then they had before, and Arthur felt the insane urge to run his thumb across them, as if his touch would be enough to make them disappear so at least one part of Merlin's body wasn't already broken up into pieces-but his wrist? Arthur had no recollection of that…or maybe somebody else had done it and Gaius just assumed the injury had came from him? And why wouldn't he, since his little consort had already told Gaius the bruises on his face existed only because Arthur had put them there.

If somebody had put them on him-please, please, please, let it be anybody else but himself-then he would kill them very slow, and make Merlin watch as he got rid of his tormentor. If any of them lived in a perfect world, Merlin would've raced to his side in a heartbeat, expressing his gratitude by jumping on him in a hug, wrapping his legs around Arthur's waist so he would not fall back on his arse. And Arthur would allow it, while the body grew cold at their feet, because it meant an example had been made. And nobody would be stupid enough to try and damage his consort under his own nose…

"You're…you're lying. I didn't hurt Merlin like that. I didn't go so far as to break a bone…" Arthur choked out, but his grip on his consort's wrists went more lax, as if he was suddenly insanely aware of how absolutely 'breakable' his consort was. And sure, maybe Arthur had been insane when he first learned the other boy was cheating on him, and had a brief imagination of bones breaking by the time he was done with him, but…that would've been going too far. Arthur couldn't play with Merlin anymore, if he was recovering from such serious injuries. And unless it had been Arthur putting his brand on Merlin's inner thigh, he would not have wanted to do anything that could have caused lasting physical impairment or damage if it healed wrong. But then the physician was giving him this almost daring look, and Arthur's throat went tight as he readjusted his grip on Merlin, just now noticing the feel of something slightly bulky hiding beneath his consort's dark sleeve. Arthur didn't want to do it, but he knew denying it wasn't going to change what had happened, as his stomach sank with dread. Arthur moved his thumb, just barely enough for the sleeve of Merlin's silk shirt to slide up, and the only thing he saw was a glimpse of the white bandages around Merlin's wrist before he dropped it again. "No, no, no, no, no…I didn't. I couldn't have. I…fuck. I did this…I did this to him…"

Arthur felt as if he was going to be sick…

Violently, brutally sick…

Arthur's teeth were starting to chatter, looking as if he was on the verge of having a mental breakdown. And all he wanted to do was throw Merlin's hands back down, petrified that he was going to break Merlin even more just by touching him. But if he threw them down, he was going to hurt him more…and Arthur bowed his head until Merlin's cold and icy fingers were being pressed against his forehead. God, if he was a better man, he would have pressed a delicate little kiss to the tip of Merlin's fingers in apology for what he had done. But Arthur was too much of a coward to show that kind of emotion when he was in front of other people. Arthur settled with the softest and most gentlest squeeze of his hand, afraid he would shatter Merlin's palm if he squeezed any harder, before gently laying the hands back down on either side of Merlin. Arthur's hands lingered, as if he wanted nothing more than to climb onto the bed with the other boy, wrap him up in a blanket and protect him from every danger in the world. Even if the danger came from himself…

"I think…I think I know when I did this." Arthur felt as if those words had been strangled out of him, but he actually sounded detached, to the others. As if he was trying to remove himself from the conversation, trying to get some bearings of control over his own body…but the memory was already starting this slow replay in front of his eyes. Him and Merlin standing in the marketplace, god…Arthur had been so mad he had literally just saw red everywhere he looked. And Merlin was the reason and he remembered the way Merlin had nearly crumbled to his own knees when Arthur had grabbed him by this wrist. He had only thought Merlin was being dramatic, and he had relished in any pain or discomfort he might have actually caused the boy. But Arthur had did more than hurt him. Had done more than a very small disfigurement, as he would call the large molted bruises across Merlin's face, as a way to minimize what he'd actually done. "But I didn't mean too. You have to believe me. I never thought for one second that I held him enough to injure him as bad as that! I never thought-"

Arthur cut himself off abruptly, shaking his head in absolutely pure disgust with himself when he realized he had been trying to make excuses for himself. But there was no excuses for him or his abhorrent behavior. It shouldn't have mattered how mad he had been at Merlin. He should have taken one of his swords to a training dummy to get his frustrations out, something that wouldn't scream as he twisted their wrist. Or something Arthur knew would be unable to bleed and grasp desperately for one breath of air after being knocked onto the ground. Even if the prince hadn't meant to do it, he should have seen how rough he had been. He should have seen-even before Merlin took a poisoned cup in hand and deemed it as his own-that the other boy was already far more fragile than he was. Whore to all his men or not, his consort himself was not a knight..Arthur had an unfair advantage and used it to get his revenge on Merlin.

This hadn't been like their fights at the beginning-like when he came at Merlin with a mace-of their lives together. Back then, he had simply been toying with Merlin. Wanting to see what he would do when he was backed into a corner. Wanted to see if he was all cocky words, or if he was willing to at least try and fight him. But those days, where fighting had been fun, happy occasions…memorable because of the sheet excitement at the novelty of a peasant trying to fight him, were long ago. And he didn't know when, but somewhere along the way…things were starting to take a turn. Leading them to where they were now…this toxic relationship hanging between them like a misty cloud of poison trying to swallow them both whole.

And now Gaius was staring at him, no pity in his eyes…if he'd been a younger man, Arthur would have demanded to know why the physician wasn't trying to comfort him. Trying to tell him it wasn't his fault, and he couldn't have known he would've driven Merlin to go this far. But Arthur could've sworn he aged at least a decade or more since coming inside these chambers with Merlin slung like a useless dead sack of potatoes across his shoulder. He didn't deserve to have his ego stroked or fed with placates to make him feel better. Not when all the prince could think about was that time he followed-stalked-Merlin to the dungeons when he had gone to get Gwen out. How Merlin had stared at him with those forlorn blue eyes of his, and first openly accused Arthur of being an abuser. Arthur had laughed it off at first, and then laughed it off again every other time it had been mentioned.

But maybe he shouldn't have been laughing it off at all…

Maybe there had been some truth to those words…

Only Arthur had been too blind to see it…

Arthur was finally starting to get it…

And it nearly killed him to admit this, but Arthur didn't want to be blind anymore. If he was doing something wrong whenever he was with Merlin, then he wanted to know what it was. And correct it, if it was possible. But Arthur didn't even know where to start, or how to start, or what to do…waking Merlin up would be the ideal thing to do. But they didn't even know how to do it yet…

"…It should have been you…"

The trembling voice, as if it was trying so hard to suppress and control the rage flooding through their body, came from out of nowhere. And Arthur's head immediately perked up, one of his hands flying forward to grab Merlin around his ankle, this hand meant to protect rather than hurt…but nobody had walked into these chambers. Thank the lord, because Arthur was probably willing to kill the first person who walked into these chambers, and tried disrupting the little safety bubble Arthur was keeping Merlin inside of. Gaius' chambers was supposed to be safe, no chance of anybody else showing up to try finishing off Merlin if Arthur was there, no chance of somebody getting through any of the defenses Arthur was enacting…

"It should have been you."

Arthur's head whipped around to the side, realizing the voice-louder and more sure of itself than it had been in a long time, was coming from beside him. Rather than from a stranger that was trying to encroach on what should've been a safe resting space for Merlin. Gwen…Arthur's breath caught in his throat as the other girl lifted her head, the shadows that'd been dancing across her face as if they were demons celebrating their good fortune of being able to speak, lifting away from her. Arthur did not think he had ever seen Gwen look so angry…face turning a ruddy red color, her eyes bloodshot, and her hands shaking in violent abandonment in the folds of her skirt.

"IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU!" Gwen roared at him with this fierceness Arthur had never heard come from her before-and the only thing that could beat it, was those times when Merlin had gone frosty on him, freezing him out and acting as if there was not a caring bone in his body-and she could have almost been mistaken for a lioness. The way she threw herself out the chair she had been sitting in by Merlin's head, and Arthur was reacting by instinct as he threw himself off his spot on the far edge of Merlin's bed when she came at him. "HOW COULD…I DON'T…HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO HIM! HE'S MY FRIEND AND YOU HURT HIM AND NOW HE'S HERE AND YOU SIT AT HIS SIDE AS IF YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG! I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU COULD HURT HIM! YOU-"

She came at him, raising her feminine fists at him as if she thought they could be swords. It would've been so easy for Arthur to grab her wrists and shake the sanity back into her as he had done Morgana when she had came at him just like this before Merlin arrived at the banquet. A trained knight allowing himself to the mercy of an untrained peasant girl…something like that couldn't have been possible. But Arthur didn't raise a single hand against her, not even when a solid punch bounced off his broader chest, Gwen clearly putting every bit of force in her hit that she could.

"ABSOLUTE!"

Another hit caught him in the chest from her other fist, just as violent and desperate as the first had been. But still, the blond didn't even try to stop her. He allowed her rampage, allowing her to scream and throw a fuss that would've had her carted to the dungeons all over again if she had tried this with any other man. But Arthur deserved it…he deserved her hatred and to be the focal point of her outrageous change in normal behavior. It was his penance…he had hurt Merlin. It was only right that one of Merlin's friends got justice for him.

"MONSTER!"

The word cut deeply into Arthur's chest, like this rusted knife having to push and pull and cut and slice him apart before the blade came close to reaching his heart. He was sure if Merlin was awake, he would also be calling Arthur a monster. And he would endure it…not because he had too. But because there'd be no denying how much he deserved it. And this was why the prince once again didn't say a word when Gwen grabbed onto the lapels of his favorite jacket-the one he wished he had just put around Merlin's frail shoulders like he'd wanted to back in the banquet hall. Back then, it had been because he just didn't want others looking at the bare neck of the one that belonged to him. But now, now it was because Arthur might never get a chance to do it again-and shook him roughly.

Arthur barely moved, but he stared emotionlessly down at the handmaiden, "How dare you stand there while he is dying right now!" She shrieked in his eardrums, looking as if she had truly gone mad as her eyes clouded over with tears. Women crying had always made Arthur extremely uncomfortable…and it was most likely that Arthur would be just as helpless to react if his consort was the one crying before him. But that was different …Arthur could only think of one time he had ever seen Merlin crying in front of him. And that had been just after he'd hit him across the face. His cheek rosy as tears streamed down along his cheeks, making his eyes glisten like rare, dewy jewels that could only be found at the bottom of the sea. "How cruel can the fates be to allow a kind boy to die in favor of a cruel prince. It is the worse thing I have ever heard. How could they do this, how can you…bad enough that you hurt me! I'm nobody of real importance. But him…"

Gwen's voice cracked dangerously, and her entire body was trembling against him. And Arthur didn't know if she would try to hit him again, or crumble against him so she could cry all of her tears into his shirt. Seeking comfort from somebody who'd clearly been turned into an enemy before her eyes…but then she was being pulled away from him. And Arthur didn't say a single word as Gaius pulled the trembling Gwen into his chest. She screamed again, a heartbroken shriek that sounded as if it was strong enough to shatter glass. Before she fell forward to let her head hit against Gaius' shoulders, where the most heart stricken sobs poured out of her. Wet and loud and scared and not even Arthur was so heartless as to not feel her pain as if it was his own.

But maybe it was his own…

Or an echoing mirror of the emotions he would never be allow to display as his own…

Because Arthur wanted to scream as well. He wanted to throw and break things, just as he had done to his room when he had first heard of the contract's existence. To shatter glass across the ground, and break the bed hangings above where he slept, just as he had done when Merlin first told him Valiant had tried assaulting him. And he wanted to destroy everything, as if the more things he destroyed, the more likely Merlin would come back to him, if only to yell at him because the noise had woken him up when he had simply been 'napping.' But Arthur did not have the kind of luxury right now. He didn't deserve to make all of this about him and his feelings and his emotions…as prince, he wasn't even supposed to have any.

But god, could he feel them now.

And he couldn't do anything about it.

It wasn't his right.

He didn't have any right to mourn Merlin when the only injuries he had physically on him, were because of him.

He didn't have any right to cry, when Gwen had every right in the world for Gaius to comfort her.

"I suppose I should say I am not surprised by Gwen having an outburst like this. It was bound to happen sooner or later, even moreso now since Merlin is unable to do it himself." Gaius said bluntly, running a soothing hand down the back of what Gwen called a ponytail. And all Arthur could think about was…when Merlin had told him he needed to apologize to Gwen because he had no idea of the damage he had done to her. How in the world had Arthur missed something like this, but then again…when in the world had he ever paid attention to the servants standing right in front of him. Maybe if he had paid attention…Gwen wouldn't be on the verge of her own mental breakdown, and Merlin wouldn't be in a coma. "You know, Arthur. Perhaps I shouldn't be telling you this," Gaius started, wrapping his arms tighter around Gwen as her sobbing slowed down, becoming something that was a bit more muffled. "But I went to visit my nephew on the day of your wedding. I wanted to see how he'd been doing. It's not everyday somebody marries, so I needed to make sure he was doing okay. Call it a parental urge I didn't even know I had, you know."

But Arthur didn't know…it wasn't as if his own father had ever shown a smidgen of concern for him. Oh sure, if Arthur would get injured and had to see Gaius, his father would be the first to arrive. But he only ever stayed long enough to be sure that his heir would live and he hadn't lost any fingers. He never did stay when the love of a father was something Arthur felt he'd needed more than ever. Not even when he was young enough that his father was the 'only' thing he needed. But Arthur could clearly see that things were different here. The way Gaius was peeking over Gwen's head to cast another worried glance over to Merlin's prone form…it was clear Gaius wasn't working on Merlin because he was ill and it was his duty as a physician to fix him. And he wasn't doing it because he was an uncle and it was his duty to look after Merlin when his husband or parents were unable-or unwilling-too. He was working on Merlin for a simple reason…because he cared for him. It was such a novel idea…people so high up in their society didn't usually care for the younger generation. Not unless they became somewhat of an embarrassment, and their hand was suddenly needed to try and curve those tendencies before proper society got involved and shunned them.

"He said he was scared of you…"

Arthur sucked in a harsh breath he didn't know he had been holding onto this entire time. 'He was scared of you' echoed in his head like the deep and constant beating of a drum. 'Merlin had been scared of him.' But why…Arthur knew there had been a time not that long ago when he had wanted his consort to be afraid of him. Wanted him to submit because he knew there'd be severe consequences coming for him if he didn't. But now, his stomach churned unpleasantly. He had never thought for a single second-in the beginning-that his consort would've been scared of him. Merlin had never shown it to him, never lowered his head as if he was scared of what Arthur would do next, and never had his voice wavered when yelling at Arthur, that would have betrayed his true emotions. As far as Arthur thought, this kind of news was coming out of nowhere. In fact, if Arthur did not know better, he would've said Gaius was pulling this right out of his arse to make Arthur feel guilty.

But Gaius didn't need to do things like that to make Arthur feel guilty…he already did…

"Maybe not in those words exactly, but god, all you needed to do was look at him to see how terrified of you he was. But why wouldn't he be…Merlin comes from a simple village where not a thing happens. And now he was being thrown in front of the noble society of Camelot as if he was expected to know what was going on or what he was supposed to do." Gaius shook his head with a cruel click of his tongue that sent unpleasantness rolling down Arthur's spine. "And then there was you-" and the prince flinched at the vileness he could hear rolling with ease off the old physician's tongue. "The Prince of Camelot who'd already tried dismembering him in the middle of the town long before you actually knew who he was-" and Arthur opened his mouth to protest, to try and claim that one time with the mace had simply been fun and games. But…maybe it wasn't as much fun for Merlin…not after Arthur had stopped tripping over all of the items in the shop long enough for him to knock Merlin onto his arse with that broom. "Why would he think you would show anything difference once you were married. Even back then he knew how…disadvantage he was. Knew you held all the power in the world and there was nothing he could do to change that at all. Knew you could be cruel to him if you wanted…and not a soul would have stopped it. Because you are a prince and he's but a simple serving boy. I tried to tell him you aren't like that, and he had no reason to fear you-" Arthur's head snapped up, as if he was startled to hear Gaius would try to defend him, but the old physician wouldn't look back at him. His eyes sorely on his defenseless nephew. "But I suppose I was wrong and there was every right in the world for him to fear what the future was going to bring him."

Every right to fear what the future would bring…every right to fear what the future would bring…every right to fear…HIM. The prince felt as if his entire world was spinning around him, as if he was stuck in the center of some kind of hurricane and was powerless to stop it. Arthur remembered how fearful he'd been when they first married…how he didn't want to do it but had no choice other than swallowing his pride and going through with it for his people's sake. But not once had he thought of Merlin or what he had been going through…he'd simply assumed that his consort would be grateful to get out of the muck with all of the other pigs. And would grow accustomed to living in the lap of luxury without any problems or worries. But that wasn't true at all…was it? Because Merlin did have worries. And problems. The kind that Arthur could have never foreseen.

The kind Arthur allowed himself to be ignorant about…

Gaius was right…Arthur held all the power in this situation.

While his consort had been stripped down to only what he had been given…

But not even at the beginning, had Arthur's more outlandish tendencies been yet formed. He hadn't wanted to hurt Merlin back then, and he hadn't wanted to break him down and build him back up in his own image. He had simply wanted to make it through this one day at a time. But things had spiraled out of control faster than Arthur could keep up with. And somewhere along the way, Arthur had forgotten his old vow: Merlin was his to protect. In favor of focusing sorely on the latter part of that vow he'd made in the heat of battle: His to Hurt. His to Hate.

But what was the point in hating somebody who would die due to that hatred…

What was the point of hurting somebody that wasn't looking anymore dangerous than a newborn rabbit…

What was the point of somebody being entrusted to him, when Arthur had led him to this vulnerable position in the first place-

And had all that fire that had leaked out of Merlin as if he was a roaring inferno-catching Arthur's eye with effortless ease-been snuffed out because of him? Was Arthur ever going to see that fire again? God…what had Arthur been thinking when he wanted to snuff out that light and be more obedient? He'd already gotten a taste of that those few times Merlin had been surprisingly docile around him-was that because he'd already started snuffing him out before, and didn't realize it-and he'd hated it more than anything. Why would he want Merlin to be like that on a more permanent basis? Why would he want him to be nothing more than a rag doll for his control…why would he want to stop Merlin from standing out. Despite all of these unconventional methods Merlin used when dealing with all this consort business, not even Arthur could deny…Merlin always got the end results he wanted.

In ways Arthur never would've dreamed of accomplishing…

Somebody with no fire wouldn't have been able to accomplish a fraction of what Merlin had managed to do…

But never did the title Prince, sound more like an insult than it had, coming from Gaius' lips just now…

And then Gaius went in for the killing strike…

"Your mother would have been ashamed of the man you have grown into."

The spinning around the room halted so suddenly, Arthur had to grab onto the footboard of Merlin's healing bed so he would not fall over. All the air in the room seemed to have been taken out of the room in a heartbeat. This was a low blow coming out of Gaius' mouth, one made all the more painful because Gaius was probably the only person in the world who knew just how important Arthur's mother was to him. The blond woman in the single portrait he had of her who looked so much like him…the woman that owned the silver broach Arthur kept safely tucked away in his bedside table…she had only been a couple of years older than he was now when she had died. Dead in childbirth before Arthur had a chance to open his eyes…

Arthur had always had an idealistic idea of what his mother was supposed to be like in his head. Imagined how she would sit in the stadium by his father's side, Arthur's most vocal and biggest supporter when he won his tourneys. Had imagined all the conversations at the dinner table he could've had, sparing no detail on pointless things…like what he had done that day, or what he had learned about in his lessons. And even if Arthur had said the same thing ten times over, she would smile at him and nod her head as if it was new information. Imagined how'd she'd put him to bed at night when he was young. Wondered if she would've helped him dress when he was too young to do it for himself, instead of having a nursemaid do it like Uther had did. Imagined if she would come to his room just to give him a hug when he was feeling down because he had disappointed Uther in some way or the other…

But now new images formed in his mind, new questions Arthur knew would never be answered…

Of Ygraine being the one to stand over Merlin's bedside, and wiping the wet cloth across his sweating forehead, willing to dirty herself in a manner unbecoming of a queen, to make her son-in-law feel better. And shaking her head, unable to look at Arthur because of the sheer disappointment she had in him-it was an image that cut Arthur deeper than any disappointment he managed to wrought from his father. She had sacrificed her own life to bring Arthur into this world…and look at what Arthur had decided to do with her sacrifice.

Make somebody else suffer…

Arthur might not have known his mother, but he imagined that the other woman probably would have liked Merlin. Spending their days gossiping together like old crones-or like Merlin and Morgana-did. Could imagine her getting close to his consort in a way Arthur had never allowed himself to be close too. And all because Arthur refused to allow himself to see what was right in front of him…

Arthur had a chance to know his consort…

And he had did what he always did, and squandered it all away without a single thought…

"I think I need a moment." Arthur choked out, feeling as if his voice was nothing more than a gurgle. But this room seemed to be so much smaller than it had been moments before, and he couldn't bare to look at Merlin because god-what if he set his eyes on Merlin and the force of his stare alone was enough to damage him-but he knew he couldn't stay. But he couldn't go too far either, because what if Merlin needed him? What if something happened and Arthur wasn't here to prevent it…so many what if's that kept Arthur from racing from the room until he couldn't run anymore. Arthur's gaze landed on the steps he knew led up to Merlin's room, and he was willing to take a step towards anything that would give him a moment to be able to collect himself. Even a place that was unmistakable Merlin's as his stretch alone permeated every inch of the place. "…I will be back momentarily."

And then Arthur ran, taking the rickety steps two at a time until he locked himself the one place that was close enough for him to be at Merlin's side. But nowhere's near him either.