This is my first fanfic. Please leave a comment/review to let me know what you think! Also posted on AO3 *NOTE: ALL CHARACTERS ARE AGED UP TO 17/18. THIS STORY DIVERGES FROM CANNON AFTER SEASON 4 EPISODE 1, WARNINGS FOR TRAUMA RESPONSES, PANIC ATTACKS, STRONG LANGUAGE AND SOMEWHAT GRAPHIC VIOLENCE. OBVIOUSLY, I DON'T OWN ANY PART OF THE MIRACULOUS FRANCHISE.

Chapter One - The Beginning

I can't breathe. I feel as though I've been running forever, but I can't stop or he will catch me. He will hurt me with his words, his claws…his eyes. Those eyes that used to be the most warm, beautiful green now turned to blue so ice cold that it physically hurts to look into them. So I run from him. I run until my legs cramp and my lungs burn and my heart is beating so loud I can't hear my own feet pounding against the roof and just when I feel like I can't run anymore, I keep running. I have no choice. I CAN'T let him catch me.

I'm dreaming, I know I'm dreaming. It's the same dream I had for months after coming back with Bunnix and even though I've been too stressed about being the guardian to sleep let alone dream for almost 2 months now, I still remember every single terrifying, heartbreaking detail of THIS dream. Because it's not just a dream, but a memory that my subconscious has turned into a nightmare. Something to do with my brain trying to process what it couldn't while I was conscious and using my unconscious mind to do it. At least, that's what dr. google says. But no matter what I do, I can never seem to wake myself up. I have to follow the dream to its conclusion…its painful, bloody and terrifying conclusion. Every. Single. Time.

I keep running across rooftops and leaping over broken chimneys and debris from fallen buildings and jumping to more rooftops until I am out of rooftops to jump to so I dive, head first, into the water. This is where the dream deviates from memory to nightmare, because this is not how it really happened. I know this because instead of me swimming my way to the base of what was the eiffel tower and finding the cataclysmed version of myself and hawkmoth, his hand snatches my ankle just as my feet are about to pass under the surface of the water and he pulls me back, kicking and screaming and begging for him to please just let me go as he drags me onto the flat surface of the rooftop. "Save me," he pleads with his blue eyes shining with tears. He doesn't let me go, he never does, but I always try to break free and just talk to him. Because the me that is conscious of the fact that I am dreaming knows that deep down, my partner and best friend is still in there wanting to help me and begging me to help him.

And so, I keep that thought firm in my mind, even when his claws dig into my ankle, my calf, my thigh and my hip as he pulls me ever closer to him. Even when he calls up his Cataclysm. Even when he looks at me with those lifeless blue eyes. Even when he tells me that it's my fault, that our love destroyed the world, I still believe my Kitty is in there somewhere. And I know this is not what he wants to do. Because just before he shoves his Destruction covered claws into my stomach, he leans down and whispers "I still love you, I'm so sorry" softly into my ear. And just before my world goes dark, he presses a gentle kiss to my forehead as tears stream down his face and land on his white suit. Every. Single. Time.

I wake up gasping, gagging, and covered in sweat with tears running freely down my face. I glance at the clock to see that it is 10 after 5 in the morning.

"Was it Chat Blanc again?" Tikki asks, startling me. I search the room through blurry eyes to find her floating above my feet, looking at me with concern clear as day in her large expressive eyes.

"Yep, the nightmares are back," I say as I wipe my eyes, nose and mouth and try to get my breathing under control. "Thought I was over it. Guess I was wrong." I'm panting and my heart is still racing so I start my breathing exercises. In, two, three, four. Hold, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four.

"I really think you should talk to someone about this Mari, it's not good to keep this kind of thing to yourself," Tikki says, sounding both worried and exasperated. She always tried to get me to talk about the dreams but I could never bring myself to give her all the details. If I can't even talk to my wise, loyal and kind Kwami about it, how am I expected to talk to anyone else about it? I voice my concerns aloud.

"I can't even talk to you about the dream even though you were with me in the alternate timeline, what makes you think I'll be able to talk to a complete stranger about it?" She should know how I feel about therapists anyways. Fat lot of good they can do when I can't even be truthful with them about literally anything. What was I doing? Right, breathing…In, two, three, four. Hold, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four. And again. No panic attacks. One more time. Okay, I think we are under control again. I haven't had a panic attack or a nightmare in months. Before I can start to think about the fact that the nightmare returning means I was sleeping deeply, which means I might actually have this Guardian thing down, Tikki continues sounding more pissed than worried.

"You know very well that I did not mean a stranger, Marinette." Oh, that's right. She had been trying to convince me to talk to Chat Noir about it just before I became the Guardian and stopped having the dreams. 'You can trust him' she would say, as if I didn't know that already. As if I hadn't tried to talk myself into telling him for months and always ended up talking myself out of it at the last second. Her tone suggests she is not in the mood for my normal attempts at deflection so I go straight for honesty.

"I can't talk to him about it, Tikki," I whispered, still trying to prevent the panic attack from coming on, "I can't talk to anyone about it but I definitely can't talk to him. What if he reacts so badly that he gets Akumatized! That's not a small bit of information to drop on someone." I try to reason with her without losing my temper. This has always been a sensitive topic and time has not numbed that sensitivity in any way. "Besides, I never even told him I went to the future in the first place so how would I even begin telling him about all of…this? Sure, maybe I can just catch him on patrol or in between swipes from another Akuma or something right? 'Oh, hey Chat by the way, about two years ago I went to the future with Bunnix and had to fight an Akumatized version of you who destroyed the world because we fell in love. Sorry for not being honest with you about that even though I am always telling you that I want you to be able to trust me with anything not related to your secret identity. And also, I keep having these really vivid nightmares about Akuma-You killing me in really gruesome and traumatizing ways. So how have you been, partner?' Yea I'm sure that would go over real great!" I say sarcastically as I lose all pretenses of being calm.

Tikki gives the most deadpan look I have ever seen, opens her mouth as if to say something, closes it, rolls her eyes and floats away toward the bathroom without another word. After a minute of watching the door she phased through, I can hear sniffling. Great, now I've hurt my Kwami's feelings. I resign myself to having to apologize to her in the morning and try to go back to sleep.

She wouldn't let me talk to her right now anyways, I think to myself, besides, I have to take a chemistry final in…I quickly glance at the clock and do a double take, eyes wide. I can't go back to sleep because it's now after 6 am. If I fall asleep now, I'll be late and Ms Mendeleiev will give me detention. I guess I can work on some sketches to stay awake…