Ava is never quiet in bed. She moans like each time is her first, like Lily hasn't fingered her half a dozen times in the last few weeks. They rarely get to do it slow and safe, not with the lives they have now. Privacy is just another scarce resource, like food and motel rooms and pads. If she can survive walking in on Sam and Jake rolling around in bed together, the rest of them can deal with Ava's squealing when Lily makes her squirt.
Having skin that kills hasn't made Lily the most sociable person. She wasn't even before her powers surfaced, but that was all awkwardness and anxiety, not the underlying awareness that one wrong move from a stranger would be another corpse at her feet. Ava isn't that great at people either, but she knows how to talk (if not always how to stop) and she knows when to smile. It's no surprise that she can't keep her mouth shut when they're fucking either.
It's a chaotic litany of her gasping, "Oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh-" and reaching for Lily, whispering her name, begging her to come closer. Lily couldn't kiss her for a long time. She still can't, but she can let Ava drag her in and press their mouths together. She doesn't trust her own skin, but she trusts Ava.
Lily curls her fingers inside Ava. Their kiss breaks for a whimper. Ava holds on to her like she's afraid she'll kick Lily off the bed. That only happened one time, on accident, when Lily got her fingers pressed just right inside her while circling her clit. Lily had started laughing, and she hadn't been able to stop until there were tears, which hadn't done anything at all to reassure Ava that she was okay.
There's one thing louder than Ava's moans. Lily can feel it pulsing around her as she adds a third finger. Ava's so wet that she only needs a little coaxing to let it in. She clenches tight around them as she throws her head back, biting her lip in a useless attempt to make herself quieter. Lily ducks her head to take Ava's nipple into her mouth. It's oddly cold compared to the rest of her body, but the heat of Lily's mouth makes her melt. Lily circles her nipple. Her eyes shut. She can feel Ava under her, alive, twitching helplessly, begging for Lily to make her come.
But it's not enough. She has to know. Has to hear it.
She lets Ava's breast drop from her mouth, leaving it sucked a darker shade of pink and damp with her spit. Ava takes it in stride as Lily presses her ear against her chest.
She holds her breath. She stops moving entirely, and despite Ava's little whine of frustration, she doesn't do anything about that.
Instead, she touches the back of Lily's head. Her touch is strangely gentle, like she knows exactly the comfort Lily needs but not whether she's allowed to give it. Lily believes that she does, the same way that she's starting to believe Sam when he tells her that she can't blame herself for what happened. (She wonders if he'd ever believe those words echoed back to him.) Ava takes one deep breath, and then another, and another. Lily can hear them and feel the slow rise and fall of Ava's chest beneath her head.
Ava's pulse stands out, steady and strong. Quicker than it is when Lily reaches for her wrist when she's asleep or that time Andy got them high and all Lily could do was nuzzle Ava's neck to feel her heartbeat underneath.
She's become a collector of them, in a way. She knows Sam's loud thudding, and Max's occasional arrhythmia, and Jake's too fast always on-edge patter, and Andy's slower thumps, but she knows Ava's best of all. She can tell when her girlfriend is upset just by listening to it.
Not now, though. Now, it's sweet. Lily lets herself breathe again. Ava's heart beats away, unaware of the danger that it's shielded from.
She might never have touched anyone again if Ava hadn't been brave enough, reckless enough, to reach out first.
Lily rocks her fingers back and forth until she hears Ava gasp her name again. Ava fumbles until her leg is between Lily's, giving her a perfect place to grind against as she hears Ava's pulse flutter with excitement. It thrums around her fingers, tissue swollen blood-rich and sensitive until it can make Ava scream.
"I want to kiss you again," Ava says, breathless. Her hips are rolling up into Lily's hand, knocking Lily's own movements off-rhythm. She can't care when Ava sounds so desperate. "Lily, please." Lily would, but she can't bring herself to pull away. There's safety in the beat of Ava's heart.
Ava takes her free hand, but before Lily can lace their fingers together, she wiggles them apart again. She slides her wrist up through Lily's loose grip. "There. It's okay. You can feel it. It's there." Lily presses her fingers down. It takes her a moment to find it in the chaos, but Ava's pulse is just as steady in her wrist. Lily dares to turn her head up for Ava to kiss her. If she focuses, she swears that she can even feel it in Ava's lips. Every part of Ava's body works to tell Lily that she's alive.
Ava's back arches. She bumps her forehead against Lily's on accident, and her moans of pleasure get mixed up with apologies she can barely get out. Lily rubs her thumb over her clit, sending Ava crashing into another wave of pleasure entirely. Her legs try to snap shut, but Lily's body holds them apart. Her lips drift into a satisfied smile under Lily's. Her heart beats so fast.
Lily gets to hear it slow again afterwards. Not too much. Ava grins when Lily drags her fingers free, and Lily doesn't have time to register the mischief behind it until Ava's already flipped them over. Lily will never be as loud as she is, but Ava's gotten better and better at coaxing some real noises out of her.