Chapter 62
"Are you really up for this, Regina?" Heart wanted to know in a calm voice. "It's not just that you have to care for Emma, which I'm sure you'll do fabulously. But will you also be able to handle the mental strain?"
Crossing her arms in front of her chest, Regina faced the doctor the next day, determined to make Emma's wish a reality. "Yes, I will be. She needs me now, and I won't let her down."
"To be honest, that's not my biggest concern either," she admitted, folding her hands on the desk in front of her, her eyes fixed on Regina. "My concern is that you'll take on too much and then Emma won't have anyone to be there for her."
"What are you trying to say?", Regina glared at her.
"I'm not trying to say anything. I'm just expressing concern. There's no shame in getting help, Regina. Emma is now in a state that is psychologically stressful for everyone, even the staff here. There is no question that you, as her girlfriend, are suffering many times more, and that is why I advise you not to take this lightly. Emma's life is on the line. We're doing everything we can to give it a good ending, but unfortunately we can't resort to magic to do that and have to rely on conventional methods." She paused, letting Regina process the words for a moment before continuing. "Of course, yesterday's swabs haven't been analyzed yet, but at the moment it doesn't matter anyway whether we find a suitable donor or not."
Lack of understanding flashed in Regina's eyes and she tilted her head slightly questioningly.
"I've explained it to you before. A transplant can be life-saving. But Emma's condition is currently so critical that she might not survive the preparation for it. I'm sorry, I really wish I had better news." She took a deep breath and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear that had come loose from her plaited braid. "I can fully understand Emma's desire to go home, and so I will be happy to help you. Just promise me that you'll contact me or another doctor you trust if you get the feeling you can't handle the situation anymore."
Regina's head was pounding, but she nodded bravely. How she managed to still function was a mystery to her, but in some magical way, every day Emma got worse seemed to give her new motivation. She couldn't face the fact that she was probably going to die, and even though she was starting to feel like she already sounded like Snow, it didn't change her attitude. "I promise. But then you also promise me in return that you won't give us false hope. I want to know when the battle is lost." She looked urgently into her eyes, not even allowing herself to blink.
"All right," Heart nodded, her voice calm and controlled. "Unfortunately, I'm going to have to kick you out for now, as I have an important phone call in a few minutes, but you can always come back to me at another point. I'll make sure you get the necessary prescriptions and arrange for a blood transfusion this afternoon to stabilize Emma's circulation. If everything goes smoothly, she should then be able to leave the clinic in three days at the latest."
Regina nodded and rose from her chair in front of the doctor's desk. "Thank you." The two shook hands and Regina left the doctor's office with her purse over her arm. Since Emma's mental state was still as bad as it had been the day before, she didn't want to leave Henry alone with her for too long, but as she passed a huge window that faced the park, she nevertheless paused for a few moments, gazing at the bare trees covered in snow as she made an effort to breathe deeply and consciously. It was one of those moments when she felt like she was living someone else's life. She had heard the doctor's ominous words, but they had bounced off her like from a thick layer of absorbent cotton. She couldn't possibly have been talking about her girlfriend. Emma could not die. She was the Savior. She was young and healthy and bursting with strength and energy. Regina hadn't even noticed how her feet had finally carried her back to the hospital room. It was only the sight of Henry holding a vomiting bowl in front of Emma's chest, his free arm around her skinny shoulders, that woke her from her daydream. "I'm sorry I was gone so long," she apologized, hurrying to Emma's other side.
Emma said nothing; she had neither the strength nor the breath to say anything and besides, she was already gagging again. Her eyes were red because the constant pressure had caused the fine vessels in them to burst.
"She's only been this bad for a few minutes," Henry replied quietly. He had no problem helping Emma, but he was still unspeakably glad when his mother took the bowl from his hand and in turn put a hand on Emma's back to keep her upright.
"Emma, do you need a doctor?", Regina insistently wanted to know, lightly squeezing her shoulder.
Shaking her head, Emma let herself sink exhausted against Regina and closed her eyes. "I'm fine," she whispered barely audibly as her chest rose and fell painfully in rapid breaths.
Henry exchanged an anxious glance with Regina before looking back at Emma.
"I'll put you back down, all right?" the brunette asked, waiting for the barely perceptible nod at her shoulder. Carefully, she let Emma slide back into her pillows and pulled her slipped nasal cannula back into place before stroking her head. "We've got the green light from Dr. Heart. She's going to make sure there's nothing standing in the way of your discharge in a few days," she then told her quietly.
"Thank you," Emma whispered, her eyes continuing to close. She didn't have the strength to open them and was glad that the nausea was subsiding again for now. Perhaps Regina's words also contributed a little.
"Will Emma be better by then?" Henry wanted to know anxiously. At the moment, he found it hard to imagine how they would manage to care for Emma at home in this condition. Even if they had help from Zelena, she still had to take care of her daughter and Regina would have to work now and then. He himself would be at school and even if not, it wasn't exactly in Emma's best interest for him to care for her.
Regina took a deep breath, then shook her head hesitantly. "Probably not. But we'll manage, Henry. Don't worry about it." She felt that worrying herself about it was enough. There was no need to involve her son in this, too.
Skeptically, Henry held her gaze for a while before turning his to Emma and gently placing a hand on her arm. "I'm afraid I have to go now, we have a school project to do and I have an appointment with Max for that," he apologized to her quietly.
It wasn't hard to see how much Emma was struggling as she opened her eyes to look at her son. "Sure, go," she whispered, curling her lips into a brief, almost invisible smile. "Glad you were here." In her imagination, she pulled him into her arms and tousled his hair, while in reality she just lay motionless, studying his features.
"I'll text you when I know how late I'll be back," Henry then turned to Regina before slinging his backpack over his shoulder.
Nodding, Regina stroked her son's cheek briefly and then watched him go just as Emma had as he left the hospital room, quietly closing the door behind him.
"I'm sorry," Emma said quietly.
Regina's questioning gaze slid over her face.
"Henry's right; it's an imposition to have to take care of me, and yet I try to force it," she explained. "That's selfish."
"I can understand why you want this. And that's why we're going to do it," Regina immediately countered, lying down with her upper body next to her, her cheek against her shoulder. "There's no need to discuss it any further."
Weakly, Emma slid her hand to Regina's so she could gently wrap her arm around her waist. If she didn't feel so weak and in pain, she could have easily imagined them at home in their bed, finally cuddling after a long day at work. "Did Heart tell you about the transplant?" she wanted to know in a whisper after a while.
"That it can't be done, donor or no donor?" Regina asked, nodding bitterly "Yes, she did."
Emma sighed as she sensed Regina's tension and let her fingers glide gently over her side. "It'll be okay somehow." She knew how ridiculous that must have sounded coming out of her mouth, but she still felt an urgent need to protect Regina and lift her spirit, just as she had always done. Even when they had been at war with each other, she had still been the one to save her from herself. "Regina, if... if this is too burdensome for you, I'll stay here. Honestly, I... you're so stable right now, I don't want to ruin that." Actually, the conversation was far too taxing for her, but there were things that needed to be said.
Regina furrowed her brows, shook her head, and propped herself up on one elbow with a confused gaze so she could get a better look at Emma. "You're my top priority now, whether you're here or at home. I can do this," she promised her, running her fingertips over Emma's temple. "I can talk to Archie anytime in addition to the regular sessions if I need to. Please don't worry about me."
"I'll always worry about you, no matter how I feel myself," Emma smirked, closing her eyes as she enjoyed the gentle touch of Regina's fingers. "Have you talked to my mom lately?" she then almost tonelessly wanted to know.
"Not in the last few days. Why?", Regina inquired in her turn.
Emma took a deep breath. "I don't think she's doing well at all. She's having a hard time dealing with... my condition. She was here this morning and I didn't know what to say. I've always had a harder time talking to her than I do with my dad, and even harder now. We just met and now she feels guilty about my illness, like it's her fault." She had to pause and take a few focused breaths. "She should be focusing on Neal so he doesn't get the short end of the stick."
"Neal is loved and well cared for, you know that," Regina countered gently, continuing to stroke her reassuringly. "And I doubt she feels guilty. She's just afraid for you, which is well-founded."
Emma was silent for a while, thinking about it. "I'd feel better if you could have a talk with her. Maybe you can tell her how things are going to go now. I just didn't have the strength to explain it to her today during chemo." She eyed her girlfriend and squeezed her fingers briefly. "I know what I'm asking of you again, but... I'm really scared for her."
"No, I... no problem, of course I can talk to her," Regina nodded quickly, even though talking to Snow was weighing her down as well. Whenever she looked into her eyes, she felt like she was being swallowed up by a maelstrom of despair and couldn't help but think of what it would be like to see Henry suffer in that way.
"Maybe you could do it right today?!" Emma continued, holding her gaze. "I'm exhausted, I should be asleep anyway. You don't have to stay here the whole time," she assured her, "You'd help me more if you talked to my mom."
Regina swallowed hard and straightened up. "Yeah, I... okay. If that's what you want."
"Only if you can stand it. I don't want you to say yes to everything just because I want you to. You wouldn't have done that before I got sick."
"I know. It's okay, Emma," Regina assured her, gently wrapping her arms around her frail body. "I'll see you tomorrow, then. I love you."
Emma nodded and inhaled Regina's scent deeply. What she had said was true. She desperately needed to sleep, and it made no sense for her to sit around and watch her do it. But a quiet selfish voice inside her was eager to make her stay so she wouldn't be alone. "See you tomorrow." She still looked after Regina as she left the room with heavy steps and then let herself sink fully back into her pillow. There were so many things she wanted to say to her and show her how much she loved her, but she couldn't and it was all the fault of that damn disease. Emma closed her eyes at the exact moment when the first tears started to fall.
Regina got herself a cup of coffee for the road and then set off for David and Snow's apartment. During the drive, she tried to think of the right words to say, but since she already had experience with conversations of this kind, she was aware at the same moment that in the end everything would be different anyway. When she stopped in front of the apartment building on the side of the road, she continued to watch the people on the sidewalks for a while. It was incomprehensible to her that everyone was going about their daily lives as if everything was fine. She felt that time should rather stand still while Emma was sick. It wasn't fair that everyone else didn't seem to be affected by the fact that she had to fight for every breath. Shaking her head, she finally unbuckled her seatbelt and entered the house. Hand wrapped tightly around the strap of her purse, she rang the front doorbell and held her breath until she heard quick footsteps inside and the door opened.
"Hello, Regina," Neal greeted her, holding a teddy bear in his arms and tilting his head curiously.
Surprised, Regina relaxed a little and smiled gently at the little boy. "Hello, Neal. Are Mommy and Daddy here, too?" she asked him, stroking his hair briefly.
"Mommy shower," he declared, turning and walking over to the kitchen table where his juice glass was.
Regina listened for a moment and really heard the sounds of running water. So she stepped inside and closed the door behind her. "I'm sure your mommy wouldn't want you to just open the door like that, Neal," she then explained to him, taking off her coat.
"Why?" the boy inquired, eyeing her from wide green eyes.
Emma's eyes, it flashed through Regina's mind for a moment. "Well, you don't know who rang the bell. It could be strangers, and then you shouldn't just open the door, you know?"
"Okay," he just said with a shrug and dropped to the floor where his toy cars were lying around.
Regina watched him play for a while and finally took a seat at the table. She felt like an intruder and would probably scare Snow to death when she came out of the bathroom, but she didn't see any way to draw attention to herself beforehand.
It was another fifteen minutes or so before the door to the bathroom opened and Snow stepped into the living room in a cloud of steamy, warm air. As was to be expected, she winced and put a hand to her chest in shock when she saw Regina sitting in her apartment. "Oh my goodness, Regina. Are you trying to scare me to death?"
"Wasn't my intention, sorry. Hello, Snow," Regina greeted her and stood up. "Neal opened the door for me, and I've already explained to him that he can't just do that."
Snow gave her son a punishing look that clearly said it hadn't been the first time he'd done that. "Regina, to what do we owe the honor?" she then wanted to know with a small smile, her arms folded loosely in front of her chest. "Would you like something to drink?"
"No, thank you," she declined, brushing her hair back. She had at first considered giving an excuse for her appearance, but then decided on the truth. "I'm here at Emma's request. She's worried about you."
Snow laughed briefly and shook her head in disbelief. "Emma's worried about me? That sounds kind of absurd, don't you think?"
"She says you were with her today and that you... well, you know." She didn't want to pillory her, thinking her reaction to Emma's condition was perfectly normal.
Busily, Snow turned her attention to some pots that were standing around, putting them away in the cupboard so she could avoid answering. "She doesn't have to worry about me. I'm fine."
"Snow, you're not fine. It would be bordering on a miracle if you were fine," Regina contradicted her, stepping up beside her to put a hand on her shoulder. "If you'd like, I'll bring you up to date."
With eyes shimmering wetly, Snow looked at Regina's hand on her arm and then over at Neal, who was still busy with his cars. "All right. Let's sit down."
Over the next few minutes, Regina told Snow everything she had been able to glean from Dr. Heart and ended by telling her she was going to take Emma home.
"Home? She looked like everything but coming home!" Snow stated indignantly, staring at Regina. "How is that going to work?"
"I'll only be able to come to Town Hall while she's at the hospital for her treatments. Otherwise, you'll have to contact me at home if there's a problem," she explained as rationally as possible.
"It's not about the work for me! She can't even get up!" she continued.
"And that's exactly why I need to stay with her. Snow... I know this sounds crazy, but it'll be fine. She'd be fine in the hospital, I agree, but that's not what she wants. She wants to be home, with her son and me, and I understand that." She sighed and crossed her arms in front of her chest as she closed her eyes and shook her head. "I've reached a point by now where I'm dealing with things like you do: hoping. It's all we can do now."
Snow swallowed, and her sniffling made it clear she was trying hard to hold back her tears. "I really thought she'd be sick for a while and then she'd beat this cancer," she finally whispered, propping her elbows on her knees so she could put her face in her hands. "Of course, there was always the possibility that she wouldn't, but I didn't even consider that. Not with Emma. She's one of the good guys after all, she has to get her happy ending."
"I'm afraid that's not how it works here, we're not in the Enchanted Forest anymore," Regina sighed, massaging the root of her nose. "I'm going to tell you something now, but you really need to keep it to yourself."
"You do know I'm incredibly bad at this, right?" Snow retorted, tilting her head.
"I went to Gold after my birthday." She rolled her eyes at this admission, feeling foolish herself by now for seeking him out. "Somehow, I guess I expected him to save Emma. I mean... not that I hadn't looked in my books myself to see if there was a cure for cancer and found nothing. You know he has even more powerful magic than I do." She sighed and rubbed her forehead as she felt Snow's expectant gaze rest on her. "I think you already know his answer. You once had to pay the price yourself."
"A life for a life," Snow whispered barely audible and her gaze glazed over as her thoughts wandered back to the ominous day she had killed Cora. "Regina, as much as I want my daughter to live, this..."
"I haven't considered it," Regina immediately interrupted her. "Briefly, maybe, I'll admit that. But it's not an option, especially since Emma wouldn't want to go on living like this."
Relieved, Snow nodded and slid closer to Regina so she could put an arm around her shoulders. "I think it's a shame that Emma had to get so seriously ill before we realized that we actually liked each other quite a bit." A smile slid across her face as she met Regina's gaze.
"Don't push your luck," Regina replied seriously and with a raised eyebrow, before she too smirked and squeezed Snow's hand.