At I.M.P. Headquarters, Blitz was bored to tears listening to his two new clients crying hysterically in his office. The deceased sinners were a little girl hunched over in her chair, her face in her hands, sniffing and whimpering, and her mother.
"Okay," Blitz rolled his eyes, "so, you two used to be actresses, that's nice. And when your daughter got a lead, you two were killed by your understudies."
"The mother did," the deceased parent underlined, "but she did make her daughter watch. We want our revenge, but it would also be good for her if she was raised by someone not awful."
"Fair enough," Blitz shrugged.
"I worked so hard practicing for the audition!" the daughter cried raising her orange face and blue eyes under her black hair and horns. "And all her mom ever did was brag about the special classes they took at Lee Strasberg's!"
"Yeah, I got it," Blitz rolled his eyes. "And where did you two and your understudies work?"
"Cort Theater," the mother answered, and Blitz's eyes widened in shock. "In New York City,"
"Oh, FUCK YEAH," Blitz cheered, "why didn't you start with that!" Blitz knocked down the door to his office's lobby. "Mox, Mills, pack your guns, knives, dildos, and everything else lethal in between! We're going to Broadway bitches!" Millie smiled and gasped as her husband Moxie squealed and jumped for joy.
Under the full moon, they opened a portal to the rooftop of Cort Theaters and stepped out with weapons ready as it closed behind them.
"Okay, here's the plan," Blitz explained. "We go in, pop a new hole in the bitch's head, get out, and catch a show before we go back. Easy sleazy."
Later on, they had to use their portal to transport their company van and follow a speeding taxi into a less fancy neighborhood.
"Damn it Moxie this is all your fault!" Blitz blamed as Millie drove.
"Don't you pin this all on me, sir!" Moxie yelled. "You snapped and sang along to the whole song at the same time I did!"
"Will one of you just pop their tires already!" Millie shouted. Moxie rolled down and leaned out the window to aim and fire his pistol over and over until he blew the taxi's tire. The public service vehicle swerved and spun out of control until it flipped over the sidewalk and landed on the roof in an alley. Millie drift breaks into a perfect parallel ark and the imps step out to the sidewalk and run over to the upside-down cab under a streetlamp.
The targeted mother in the back opened her door and crawled out crying. Millie jumped on top of the car's belly holding a katana and grinning at the child. Moxie walked up to the side frowning as he held up two pistols. The woman whimpered as Blitz ran up behind her holding a shotgun and grinning.
"Please," the woman turned to Blitz and cried, "don't hurt me."
"Oh, this won't hurt," Blitz cocked and aimed his weapon, "not as long as you stand perfectly still until your head's blown off."
"Can we please hurry this up, sir?" Moxie asked. "I'm still not comfortable ruining families."
"Oh, drop some balls already Mox!" Blitz took his eyes off the prize to yell. He re-aimed his shotgun when he heard the rattling sound of small metal pieces. Moxie, Millie, and their target noticed they were caused by a long chain hovering behind him. "What the fuck is that?" The chain tightened around him and made him drop his weapon.
"And now I'm hard," Blitz said.
Blitz was flailed up and slammed down on the pavement. He was swung at Moxie who jumped to avoid being hit by his boss only for Blitz to hit the wall. The chains raised him again and tried to slam him on Millie, only for her to jump at the chain and cut through it with her sword. Blitz fell face flat on the car.
"Okay!" Blitz stood up, flexed the chains off of him, and pulled out an assault rifle. "Who the fuck just asked to have their ass kicked and full of holes!"
"Funny," retorted a deep, heavy, and subtle voice in the darkness. The severed chains flowed back to their origin and a pair of green sneering eyes glowed at the assassins and target. "I was about to ask the same question."
The assailant stepped into the city light with his red boots with spikes on the collars. Another step showed a skull belt buckle on his waist, and he was wearing a black onesie. He had a red band riddled with spikes on his left leg and a white marking on his chest under a long red cape stretching two feet on the ground. The imps were in shock when he took one last step to show his full face mask with white markings over his eyes.
"Holy shit," Millie said.
"Is that…" Moxie shook.
"A hellspawn?" Blitz asked.
"Get the fuck out of my alley," the hellspawn ordered, "and go back to hell."
"Okay, calm down buddy," Blitz smiled, "we'll get off on your cape once we off this actress whose only fit to play the whore in The Tommyknockers."
"No, please," the woman cried again. "I-I have a daughter!"
"And if you were a good one you would've grabbed her with you!" Blitz criticized.
"Hey!" the hellspawn shouted, "does it look like I give a damn about any of your dramas? Beat it, all of you, before I get upset."
"Hey, she started it!" Blitz accused her, "If she would just shut the hell up and let me get the last word in I'd finish the job already!"
"Oh, for fuck's sake!" Millie rolled her eyes, raised her katana, and swung down on the lousy mother. But the hellspawn pulled out an Uzi with spikes on his brass knuckles and red armbands with spikes and shot the blade out of her hands. "Ah!"
"Hey!" Moxie called, "no one hurts my Millie!" He fires his dual pistols at the hellspawn. The caped gunner sidesteps and runs up the wall into a backflip while drawing a second Uzi and shooting at Moxie. The smaller imp boy shuffled back behind the taxi while he kept shooting. The hellspawn landed and Blitz fired his shotgun at him, only for the projectile to be blocked by the red cape.
"Okay, what?" Blitz asked.
The hellspawn waved away his cape and shot at Blitz's head, but the tallest imp ducked and barely missed the first bullet and the dozen that followed it.
"Last chance prick!" the hellspawn advanced and pressed the barrel of his Uzi at Blitz. "Leave the woman alone and go back to hell before I send you there myself."
The target took advantage of the imps' threatened position, stood up, and ran around them and into the alley.
"Oh, no you don't bitch!" Blitz growled. "Moxie!"
"I'm on it!" Moxie rose from behind the taxi and aimed a sniper rifle. He fired the shot but the hellspawn quickly stood back up and took the bullet to his solar plexus. Green glowing necroplasm splattered all over Blitz and the side of the taxi. The hellspawn groaned over his bullet wound as the bullet was pushed out and fell to the ground as the hole closed and healed.
The imps stared with horrified wide eyes as Blitz stuck out his long tongue to lick the necroplasm off his forehead and swallowed.
"I think we should leave sir," Moxie quickly stated.
"I already texted Loona," Millie popped up and said and Moxie and Millie ran through out the alley and into the company van.
"Okay, well it was nice to meet you uh, Spawn right?" Blitz wiped the rest of the necroplasm off his coat. The hellspawn, named Spawn for short squinted his angry glowing green eyes. "Right, we'll be going now." He started limping around the taxi. "Thanks for the erection, bye!"
Blitz hopped inside the van, and a portal opened, they drove back to Hell and the portal closed. Spawn hid away his guns as he covered most of his body with his long red cape, turned around, and walked back into the darkness of the alley. From a rooftop above the gunfight, a hysterical chuckle was heard from a short and obese man with blue clown makeup, red eyes, and white thinning hair falling on the floor.
"Holy shit!" the clown laughed. "That was fucking awesome! He scared them back to Hell when they were trying to kill off some broad!" He stopped laughing but kept his smile while hyperventilating and slowing down his breathing. "Okay, okay… So, those are the imps that started their independent killing enterprise. Those little shits might come in handy."
Sometime later back in Hell at I.M.P. Headquarters, the imps gathered around the conference table in awkward silence with Loona carefree on her phone.
"Okay," Blitz finally spoke, "first of all, I think we can agree that the sing-along wasn't the worst downhill portion of the mission." Moxie nodded. "Secondly, no one at this table fucked up, we got intercepted, and… regrettably… outmatched. We still have twenty-two hours until our client's first kill is free, so we can get Harlot Hohansson later today. But first… WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ABOUT! Spawns are supposed to be working with us!"
"Yeah," Moxie said, "we weren't even really bothering him, and he saved that human!"
"Yes, thank you for the instant replay Moxie," Blitz rolled his eyes, "now can someone give us any useful intel so we can kill a fucking actress!"
"Well, we might know someone who knows more about hellspawns than we do," Millie said. "Someone of demon royalty, like his boss."
"Aww, damn it," Blitz pouted.
At the Stolas palace, Octavia was levitating priceless artifacts in the treasure room and organizing them on the shelves.
"Oh, wonderful darling, wonderful!" Stolas applauded and his smartphone rang. He took it out read the caller ID in excitement and answered. "Hello, my darling, Blitzy!" Octavia growled and clenched her hands, the items she was still levitating began cracking, and the room's lights dimmed. "Umm… I'm sorry Blitz, can we make this quick, I'm training Octavia."
"Yeah, of course," Blitz said in his office, "I just need a little information."
"Oh? On what?" Stolas asked.
"Well… this might be awkward," Blitz started, "for you at least. I kind of need to know about Malebolgia's latest hellspawn." Blitz became confused about the sound of rattling plastic. "Stolas? Are you there… you're Highness?"
Octavia used her levitation to pick up her father's phone off the ground.
"Hey uh, Mr. Blitz," Octavia answered. "I don't know what you said but you just gave my dad some kind of panic stroke."
"Yeah, I don't blame him," Blitz rubbed his eyes. "Look, when he calms down, tell him I'm sorry and he doesn't have to call me back about it." Blitz hung up and went back to the conference room. "So, royal intel was a bust, we're gonna have to wing this. First, we're gonna re-arm, then Loony you're coming with us to sniff the bitch out."
"I'm not sure that's a good idea sir," Moxie objected. "Didn't we wing the last plan?"
"No, we had a perfectly thought-out plan that went to shit thanks to our kryptonite of musical numbers," Blitz corrected his employee.
"These two seriously fuck up by singing a song?" Loona asked.
"Yep," Millie nodded her head, "but wouldn't she be with the police right now?"
"Fuck, probably," Blitz smacked his face. "Fine we fix our guns to wait it out, re-arm, portal back to the Big Apple, have Loona come with us this time to sniff out her loose thong, and finish the job like pros, hopefully without Spawn trying to share that stick up his ass. Everybody on board with that?" Moxie and Millie gave four happy thumbs up, and Loona gave one disinterested thumbs up. "Good. Ugh, that bitch better have some booze at her whore house, or I won't be showing any mercy!"
Back at the alley in New York City, a bottle of Jack Daniels wrapped in paper was swilled down by an elderly homeless man walking up to Spawn cleaning his Uzi, currently in pieces.
"Wassup Al," the bum called the hellspawn.
"How's it going, Bobby?" Al asked as the man sat next to him.
"We got word that the police are done with that lady at the precinct," Bobby took another swig. "They're taking her home now."
"Good," Al kept working.
"Can I ask you something man?" Bobby already asked.
"Here we go," Al groaned.
"What's keeping you here man?" Bobby asked.
"Good company," Al answered.
"Bullshit," Bobby laughed, "you hate everyone here in Rat City, especially me."
"You ever wonder why?" Al asked.
"Just hear me out, Al," Bobby emphasized, "you can do shit no one else on Earth and in Hell can do. You can do anything, turn yourself into anyone, damn, you could rob a bank, and no one would miss a dime!"
"It's not that simple Bobby," Al said. "And there's only one place I want to go to, but I can't." He puts down his Uzi piece and takes a photograph of a happily married young black couple from the shoulder of his cape.
"Right," Bobby nodded. "But if I were you, if I had all this," he tugs on his cape, "I'd at least get a damn roof over my head."
"I'll keep that in mind," Al tucked his photo back and returned to his Uzi maintenance. Before any other word could be said or action could be made, they were taken by surprise at the sound of a howl heard throughout the city.
"The fuck was that?" Bobby asked. "A coyote or something?"
"Something," Spawn answered scowling at the moon.
In an apartment near Broadway, the woman from the taxi closed all the curtains and locked every door wearing her white night robe. She grabs her biggest kitchen knife, takes it to her couch, and sets it on her coffee table next to a bottle of red wine and a wine glass. The woman pours herself a drink and picks up the glass and knife. She tries to steady her breathing and stop her hand from shaking as she tries to take a sip.
"Mommy," asked a little girl. The mother screamed and looked at a little girl bearing a resemblance to her peaking her head out her door.
"Stacy, I told you to go to bed," her mother said.
"But mommy, I can't sleep," Stacy whined, "I'm scared."
"And I'm not?" her mother stood up. "Just go to bed!" She threw her glass of wine and her daughter screamed closing the door as the glass shattered against its wood and the red wine flowed to the carpet. The frightened mother hyperventilated again and tried reaching for the bottle. But as she only touched air, she was more confused by the sound of rapid gulping.
She turned her head and saw him, the small monster with the largest horns that hunted her into that alley holding an old-fashioned pistol with monster decals. She screamed falling back on the couch and dropping her knife.
"Oh, boy, that hit the spot," Blitz took the bottle out of his mouth. He aimed his pistol at the woman and fired.
On the apartment rooftop, Moxie, Millie, and Loona sat around and waited until Blitz busted open the fire escape door with a smile and a sigh.
"Well, a cheap ass bottle of red wine was enough to buy her a quick death," Blitz introduced himself. "And she got it easier than any white bullet she's ever squeezed into her."
"Um… well put sir," Moxie said as Millie clapped and Loona rolled her eyes.
"Yeah, I know," Blitz bragged. "Now let's get the fuck back to Broadway and at least try to catch a finale!" They stood up to follow him.
"I thought I told you to bounce," a voice surprised them. They turned to see Spawn at the edge of the rooftop, his cape being pushed against his back and the entrails flapping at the demons.
"Holy shit," Loona gazed at him.
"We tried to tell ya," Millie stated.
"Okay," Blitz rolled his eyes, "calm your nipples, Spawn! We finished off that bitch mom from earlier and were just about to leave."
"Umm… sir," Moxie intercepted, "I'm not sure we should be admitting to…"
"Fine," Spawn interrupted, "then just go home."
"Huh?" Moxie asked.
"If she's dead there's nothing more for me to do," Spawn explained turning around and having his whole extra-long cape flapping at them. "Just leave and stay out of my alleys." He jumped off the roof, leaving the demons startled and confused.
"Okay, to Hell with us," Blitz broke the silence, and a portal opened. "Mox, Mills, we're going to your place to watch The Phantom of the Opera on Blu-ray. Let's go!"
In the morning at I.M.P. Headquarters, Blitz received a notification on his phone that read 'Transaction Received.' Sitting at the conference table with his employees and daughter he held it up to them and smiled with a thumbs up. Moxie and Millie stood up on their chair and cheered while Loona stayed sitting and smiled.
"Yeah, like fucking pros!" Blitz cried out. "No shitty reputation for us!" He pulls out a remote and presses the button, music plays as confetti explodes from the ceiling, and everyone but Loona dances. "Yeah! Keep dancing until lunch because we're ordering a truck's worth of pizza!"
"Yeah," Moxie and Millie cheered.
"But not too much though," Moxie said dipping his wife dancing, "we'd still like to get paid."
"Fine," Blitz rolled his eyes, "but get me some more hooch so I can revive some of the buzz you just killed Moxie." But Blitz's buzz was flatlined by the surprising change of color of the confetti turning black. They elevated and spun around the room as the boss turned off the music. All of the darkened party supplies formed a perfect tornado next to the table. After swirling the air around the room, the twister broke into oblivion, and Prince Stolas of the Ars Goetia stood in its place for all of I.M.P. to see.
"Hey, Stolas," Blitz greeted him nervously. "Care to join the celebration?"
"Well, I… celebration?" Stolas asked.
"Yep," Blitz smiled with confidence, "an instant kill-off in round two. You should've seen it, I shot her right in the tits, and she was on the floor, gasping for air, and crying, fucking classic."
"Oh," Stolas giggled, "I see. So, do you still need that information on that thing you wanted to ask me on the phone last night?"
"Well…" Blitz glanced at his employees who shrugged their shoulders, "I guess since we don't need to go to New York anymore… Thanks but I think we're good."
There was a loud knock on the door and a demonized sinner barged in.
"Hi," said the dead man, "I witnessed a mob killing in New York City, could you go and kill them for me please?"
"Wow," Loona said with extreme disinterest, "what are the odds?"
"We'll be happy to avenge you, sir," Blitz said nervously. "Please step into my office over there and I'll be right with you to discuss details." The new client walked over to Blitz's office as Stolas tipped his top hat to greet him and closed the door for him. "Okay, so yeah we might need that info, what do you got for us?"
Stolas held out his hand in a black cloud of smoke, an over-stuffed file appeared in his palm, and he tossed it on the table. Blitz opened the file and read.
"This current hellspawn was originally named Al Simmons," Stolas explained. "When he was alive, he was a gifted soldier for the Marine Corps, then in the President's Secret Service but found it rather boring."
"Yeah, I feel like Gerard Butler made that job look more exciting than it probably really is," Loona commented showing a poster of Olympus Has Fallen.
"And he brought back the excitement by joining the CIA," Stolas continued.
"Covert ops," Blitz read, "that's hot." Moxie bit his lip as Millie licked her lips. "So, how'd he get a job with Malebolgia?"
"He was betrayed when he wanted out of the industry when he wanted to start a family with his lovely wife," Stolas flipped the pages to Al Simmons and his wife behind a house. "His wife with an actual wonderful personality, very envious. Anyway, his boss had him set on fire and Al Simmons was sent straight to Hell. But instead of the proper process, Malebolgia snatched him and offered him a deal, be the general in his army and he can see his wife again. He accepted without hesitation, but Malebolgia had a twist.
"He returned Al Simmons to Earth as a hellspawn," Stolas continued, "but five years later after he died. He found his wife moved on, remarried his best friend, and had a lovely little girl."
"Aww," Millie pitied, "that poor baby."
"Yeah, no kidding," Blitz commented, "being born with an accountant for a dad and not being raised to have a passion for killing, how cruel can life get?"
"As for intervening in your last mission," Stolas began explaining, "Malebolgia doesn't seem to have full control over him. He still kills but only when he justifies it. Whenever he's told to take a life, he spares them. Even if it's some sort of serial killer, he bangs them up and allows the proper authorities to arrest them."
"Sounds like an anti-hero to me," Loona said.
"Indeed," Stolas agreed, "he's quite conflicted about his situation."
"Yeah, Malebolgia doesn't sound like a boss worth killing for…" Blitz pondered, "Unlike me…"
"Sir?" Moxie asked.
"Okay, I know he made a shitty first impression," Blitz admitted, "but I can't let a talented psycho like this go to waste. I say we give him a better work contract than any royal demon can offer a guy like him."
"Actually," Stolas chimed in, "Malebolgia was never a part of the Ars Goetia. He's tried to overthrow Satan for tens of millenniums."
"Really?" Blitz grinned. "Well, we might just get some medals for this."
"So, we're going through with it?" Millie asked.
"Yep," Blitz smiled and stepped up on the table for a pose, "we're going to give Spawn, Al Simmons a job here at I.M.P.!"