Steve didn't receive a call to schedule his appointment until late the next morning. The receptionist explained that he wouldn't be able to get in to see the specialist for several months. He made the appointment anyway. Then he called in a favor. Dr. Brandt, his doctor after his accident, thought it was silly that he was worried about his fertility after only a month, but since she was a fan of the Urkels, she made a few calls and had the appointment bumped up to the very next day.

Right after work, he called Laura and lied through his teeth.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Sweetums," he said.

"Hey, Steve," she smiled. "What's up?"

"I'm gonna have to work late tonight, Pet," he said, locking his office and heading toward the door. Some of his employees turned and glared at him suspiciously as he said it.

"Oh, no," she said disappointedly as she sat down on the couch. "I've been looking forward to you getting home all day. I'm goin' kind of stir crazy here," she admitted. "It was one thing when I was home and looking for jobs. Then I was taking care of you. I'm sure it will be different when I'm taking care of a baby, but right now, I'm bored to death."

Steve paused his trip out the door. "You can start looking for a job again, Pet, if you want to. You don't have to, but that might be a little more fun than sitting around for at least ten more months."

"Yeah, I guess. Maybe I will. I just hate the idea of getting a job and walking out on them only a few months later." Of course, that wasn't all she was worried about. A part of her was worried that she would fall in love with her job and decide to keep it, which ultimately, wasn't what she wanted for her baby.

"I understand," he said, choosing to take the stairs so she wouldn't hear the elevator music.

"Just hurry home, ok?"

"I will be there as soon as I can!" he agreed. "And I won't be late late tonight, just not on time."

"Good," she said. "Then I'll see you later."

"Ok, my sweet. I love you," he purred.

"I love you, too, Steve. Bye."

"Bye," he said as he hung up the phone. Steve finished his trip down the stairs at a run and made it to his car. He sped to the clinic on the other side of town, but he was still twenty minutes late because of traffic. He sprinted into the building and up to the counter.

"Steven Q. Urkel," he panted. "I'm here to…"

The sympathetic woman behind the counter nodded and handed him a cup. "Room 4," she said. "There are some materials in there to help you along."

Steve didn't think much of that comment. The blood was still pounding in his ears. He walked into room 4 and sat down. He took a few deep breaths, rested his head in his hands, and waited for his heart rate to slow. When he felt normal, or as normal as he was ever going to feel doing something like this, he set his hand on his groin. He massaged the area gently as he nervously looked around the room. There was a television, the bench he was sitting on, some unboxed VHS tapes, and magazines all covered by a special shelf. He frowned at the magazine rack. Being the naïve person he was, he couldn't figure out why anyone would need reading material to do something like this. And who would want to watch a movie while they did it? He reached for one of the magazines and lifted it out of the rack. He jumped and threw the magazine to the ground when he finally saw what it was. A nude woman posed on the cover of Playboy. She was visible from the chest up, but her hands covered her nipples. As he jumped, he ran straight into the rack, knocking the top two shelves down. More pornographic magazines tumbled into his line of sight. He saw women in various stages of undress, and a few men, posing under titles of grand literary achievements like Playboy, Hustler, Penthouse, Leg Show, Juggs, Barely Legal, On Our Backs, SCREW, and Men. He closed his eyes and picked up the magazines as quickly as possible. It wasn't that Steve had never seen a dirty magazine – Eddie had always kept a rather large stash in their room – but he had never been a fan of them. He had peeked a few times. However, he still felt guilty about those few times. Knowing Laura as intimately as he did now, he doubted she would care much at all. She was much more relaxed about sexual things than he was, though he was certain she would object to the way those magazines treated women. Still, she wouldn't be upset with him for falling to temptation a few times, and she certainly wouldn't consider it cheating, but he did. He was a married man now, and as far as he was concerned, Laura's body was the only one he was allowed to see. It was also, frankly, the only one he really wanted to see. With that in mind, and with the magazines away, he sat again and closed his eyes. He began to think about his beautiful wife in one of her little nighties. When his member gave him no reaction, despite his gentle rubbing, he decided to step it up a notch. Suddenly, she was before him in that tiny polka outfit she only wore for his birthdays and on special occasions. He massaged more forcefully, but still, he got nothing. He realized in order to overcome his location, he would have to go into full-on fantasy mode. He closed his eyes tighter and allowed himself to travel back in time to an old, reliable fantasy.

He imagined Laura running into his arms, sobbing over some boy for the millionth time. He imagined them in high school, in her parent's house, in her bedroom. She finally told him that she saw him, that she really saw him for who he was. She kissed him. She pushed him back on her bed. She touched him. She promised him that it was ok, that she wanted him, that she loved him, that she was going to marry him, that she couldn't wait that long to be with him. He could hear her soft voice promising him that her parents were out, that they were home alone and safe to explore each other. He imagined the sweet, loving things he would whisper to her. He imagined climbing on top of her. He imagined giving himself to her for the first time all over again. He imagined—

"Mr. Urkel?" a voice called from the door, knocking gently.

Steve's eyes shot open, and he released his still very flaccid penis. "Yes?" he croaked uncomfortably.

"Mr. Urkel, I'm sorry to bother you, but you've been in there for 45 minutes. Today may not be the best day for you to give us a sample."

Steve looked around in shock. 45 minutes? How was that possible? He still hadn't even gotten an erection. Sure, he had had problems in the bedroom before, and he knew that his brain could have quite a negative effect on his abilities, but he needed to do this. He needed to find out what was wrong with him. "I'll just be a minute," he called.

When he heard footsteps walking away, he allowed himself to take drastic measures. He picked up several magazines, searching for one that could help him. Finally, he landed on one that pictured women who looked, more or less, like Laura. Something about staring at little, white blondes with large fake breasts did nothing for Steve. He rifled through the pages, feeling a guilty pinch in his stomach. He found a woman with a similar body shape and covered her face. This felt a little dehumanizing to him, but he simply could not get excited while feeling guilty about staring at another woman. He grabbed his member and began to stroke it forcefully as he stared at this woman's tight, round butt. He imagined Laura's voice moaning for him again and again as he made love to her, but after several frustrating minutes, he had still gotten nowhere. He was humiliated as he tugged up his pants and buckled his belt. He placed the dirty magazine back in its spot and took the empty cup back out to the nurses.

"Mr. Urkel," an older nurse said kindly, "one of our doctors will see you now."

Steve's eyes widened. He was so pathetic he got an emergency meeting?

"It will just take a moment," she assured him.

Steve nodded and followed her to a consultation room in the back.

"Mr. Urkel," the doctor said. "Dr. Ashley Jackson," she said, extending her hand.

He shook it uncomfortably. Steve was embarrassed to notice that she was a young, attractive woman. She really should have gone into a different line of work.

"Please, sit down."

Steve sat down hesitantly.

"Mr. Urkel, from your medical history, I don't see any reason for you to have trouble conceiving, and you really haven't been trying that long."

"I was struck by lightning three times. Is that in there?" he asked, pointing at the file.

The doctor's brow furrowed deeply. "No. It's not." She cleared her throat and made a note in his chart. "I was told you were unable to produce a sample for us today. Does that happen to you at home as well?"

He shook his head rapidly. Well, that wasn't entirely true. "Once," he whispered. "Once I wasn't able to for a couple of days a few months into my marriage, but it was all in my head. That was years ago. I haven't had any problems since, until today."

"That happens here from time to time. Some men find that they need a little more atmosphere to produce a sample."

"Yeah, it… Um… I'm not used to doing that without my wife," he said.

The doctor nodded. "Well, we typically don't allow other people to join our patients here at the clinic, but you're welcome to take a sterile cup home. You have to get it back to us within an hour of production, though. Is that possible?"

He nodded. "I don't live far."

"The sooner the better to tell you the truth." She took a sealed bag from her desk and handed it to him. "A couple of other things. To get the best sample, it's best if you abstain for two days. We can test you otherwise, but it will be more accurate if you abstain first."

"Two whole days?" he cringed. "We're trying to make a baby," he complained.

"Most people are when they come to me," she agreed. "I squeezed you in today because of Eleanor Brandt, who is a dear friend of my mother's, but ideally, you should wait the two days. We can test a sample without you abstaining, but it's much harder to identify a problem."

He nodded, "Ok."

"Secondly, make sure that your sample goes directly into the cup or into the collection condom and then into the cup. It has to be a clean sample, and some men, especially when they try to collect a sample at home with their partners, forget about that part, and we get some tainted results."

He nodded, "Ok."

"Finally, if this is really something you're worried about, it's best to examine Mrs. Urkel too."

Steve didn't respond. He knew it wasn't Laura. It had to be him.

"All right. Good luck, Mr. Urkel."

"Thank you," he said as he stood to leave without making eye contact. He paid his bill and rushed quickly to his car. How on Earth would he explain any of this to Laura?

———————————————————————

Laura was just setting the table when Steve walked in. "Hey, baby," she purred, walking over to kiss him hello.

As soon as her lips released his, he blurted out, "I LOOKED AT PORNOGRAPHY TODAY."

Laura raised her eyebrows at him and blinked dramatically. She went to say something, but nothing came out. Her brow furrowed deeply. She tried to speak again, but quickly closed her mouth. Finally, she took a deep breath and said, "I'm sorry, Steve, but I'm gonna need a lot more context before I can react to that appropriately."

Steve bit his lip, looked at his shoes, and nodded.

"Let's sit down," she suggested, reading the bizarre vibes radiating from him. She led him over to the couch and sat close to him. "What's going on, baby?" she asked, gently stroking his cheek.

"I went to the doctor today, and I need your help."

"Why?" she asked.

"Because I can't get an erection without you there anymore."

She cocked her head at him. "Why are you trying to get erections without me?" she accused.

"To give the pretty doctor lady a sample."

"No, I meant, why did you go to the doctor for that?" she clarified. "Wait. A sample of what?" she snapped.

"My… My… baby-making juice," he blushed.

Ew, Laura cringed. "Steve, honey, I'm still lost here."

"I went to a fertility clinic," he explained. "They put me in one of those gross, tiny rooms with old pornographic magazines and movies and told me to… produce a sample, but I couldn't do it."

Laura smiled softly and sympathetically. "Baby, why did you go to one of those clinics? I told you not to worry about any of this yet."

"I just want to be sure it's not my fault, Laura Lee," he explained.

"It's not," she said firmly.

"I want science to tell me that," he said.

She shook her head at him. "Ok," she sighed eventually. "If you need to hear it from a doctor that you are a healthy, strong, virile man, then we'll get all the tests you can think of done," she promised.

"But I need your help, my pet. I can't do it without you," he whined.

"Steve, I know you've touched yourself before. I know it wasn't recently, but I have a hard time believing you forgot how."

"I just can't do it without you anymore," he repeated. "It doesn't work."

"Did you try thinking about me?" she asked, touched by her weirdly loyal husband.

"Of course. I always think of you when I do that, but nothing did it."

"What about that picture I took of myself when we were in counseling?"

"I thought about that, but I was afraid to take it out of the apartment. I don't ever want anyone else to see it," he explained.

Laura leaned forward and kissed him. "Ok, so when do you want me to go in with you?" she asked.

"We can do it here," he said. "They gave me a to-go cup."

Laura laughed and placed a hand high on his thigh. "Even better," she purred.

He took her hand from his thigh and kissed it. "But I have to abstain for two days first," he explained.

Laura's jaw dropped. "What? But, Steve! We're trying to have a baby!"

"I know, pet, but this will help us do that."

"Steve," she whined.

"Please, Laura Lee? Please," he begged, "I need to do this for my peace of mind."

Laura looked at the desperation and sincerity on his face. She took a deep breath and sighed. "Ok," she agreed. She stood and took a seat on his lap. "Whatever you need to do, baby." She leaned forward and kissed him softly. A moment later, she felt something poking into her backside. "Op," she said excitedly. "You're back," she sang.

He giggled and hugged her tighter. "No surprises there," he nodded, tucking her hair behind her ear. He gently pushed her off his lap and adjusted his pants to help hide himself a bit. He walked toward the kitchen to serve their dinner.

Laura took that as her cue that she really wasn't getting any that night. Still, she couldn't help but tease him a bit. "So you looked at some dirty magazines today?"

Steve's face flushed. "Yes," he admitted softly.

"And what did you think?"

"None of those women even compare to you," he answered honestly.

She smiled softly. "Oh, c'mon, Steve. They must have had bigger boobs than me," she prompted.

He took the chicken out of the oven and set it on the table. He served them each a piece as she sat and followed it with a spoonful of mashed potatoes and a spoonful of green beans. "Ladybug, there's no reason to get into specifics. Not over dinner," he answered, desperate to change the subject.

"I wanna know," she insisted, pouring a little sauce on her plate.

Steve exhaled and locked his eyes on his food. "Yes, some of them had larger breasts than you."

"And I bet some of them were thinner," she grumbled, expressing a sincere insecurity. She trusted Steve, and she had begun this conversation only to make him a little uncomfortable, but she still had deeply rooted anxieties about her weight, and subconsciously, she hoped he would say something to make her feel better, especially considering she would begin to blow up like a balloon within the next few months.

"Some of them," he admitted, still staring at his food.

"And what about their butts?" she asked. "Some of them must have been a bit more fit than me."

"Laura," he warned.

"Did you see anything more explicit? What did you think of them… there?" she prompted.

"Laura, stop," he said softly. He placed a hand on her knee and looked her in the eye again. "Don't do that to yourself. Laura Lee, I can't even get hard without staring at you. Don't compare yourself to other women."

Laura took a deep breath. This had really started as a joke. "I know. It's silly. I don't know. I guess sometimes… Steve, I trust you. I know that you only have eyes for me. It's just that sometimes, I really want to be worthy of that kind of devotion."

"You are," he said immediately. "You are more than worthy."

"I know you believe that, but I wanna believe that, too."

He cocked his head at her. "You should," he said.

She looked away from his adoring eyes and asked an embarrassing question as she began to eat. "Do you think… I never would, but do you think I could be in one of those magazines?" she asked softly.

He raised his eyebrows at her. "Um," he paused. "I know you don't like it when I tell you what to do, my queen, but I'm putting my foot down there. You are never allowed to pose for a magazine like that."

Laura rolled her eyes. "You do not get to tell me what to do," she said firmly, "but I know that. I would never do that to you, Steve, and I would never want to do that to myself. I just… Do you think I'm sexy enough to be in one of those magazines?"

He shook his head and looked away. "God, yes, Laura. You would be very, very successful in that… line of work. Laura, don't you see the way men look at you? Most of them would give anything to be in my shoes… Or, rather, in my bed."

"You know, when I get pregnant, my body's gonna change."

"I know that," Steve said softly.

"I won't look like this forever, Steve."

"I know, Sweetums."

She began to eat, taking tiny, self-conscious bites as he stared at her.

"Do you remember when we saw each other naked for the first time?" he asked.

Laura smiled softly. "Of course. We talk about that all the time."

He snickered. It did come up a lot. "Do you remember the next day? Myra and I had a study date, and then you walked in…"

"And we couldn't look each other in the eye," Laura finished. "Yeah, I remember."

"Well, did I ever tell you that I told Myra what happened?"

"You didn't have to tell me. I heard the screaming. Plus, she broke into my room and threatened me about it that night."

"Really? Why didn't you tell me?"

"It was nothing new," Laura shrugged.

Steve shook his head and continued. "All right, but I didn't really want to tell her. As far as I was concerned, what happened was between me and my best friend."

"Then why did you tell her?" Laura questioned.

Steve smiled. That's why he had brought it up. "Because Myra looked me dead in the eye and said…" He paused and began an impeccable Myra impression. "Steven, if I'm gonna bear your children and have all my best body parts drop four inches, there should be no secrets between us."

Laura looked him in the eye again. "Four inches?" she repeated.

"That's what I said!"

Laura's eyes widened, and she glanced down at her breasts. "That can't be right… Can it?" she asked, looking back up at him hesitantly.

He cocked his head at her. "I don't know," he answered honestly, "and I don't care. Sweetums, your body's gonna change for my baby! How could you think for a second that those changes wouldn't thrill me?"

Laura shrugged gently. "I don't know. It's not all about you, Steve. I'm not going to like my body changing like that."

Steve swallowed uncomfortably. "Well, why's it matter what you look like as long as I still find you attractive?"

"It matters what I think of me, Steve!" she argued in annoyance.

"Sure, it does, but why would you be unhappy with how you look as long as I'm happy? It doesn't matter what other guys think, does it?"

"This isn't about other guys, Steve. It's about me."

"You didn't exactly answer my question," he pointed out.

Laura looked down at her food. "I'm always gonna care what other guys think, Steve," she admitted to her potatoes.

Steve's heart twisted in pain. "I see," he said softly.

Laura looked back up at him. "And other people in general! I like… being attractive, Steve. Is that so bad? You like that other people find me attractive, too. You like showing me off a little, don't you?"

"Yes, my sweet, but not enough to consider not having a baby."

"Whoa. Hey," she said quickly. "I never said that. I never said anything like that. Please, don't put words in my mouth. We are having a baby, Steve."

"No second thoughts?" he asked.

"Oh, I'm having second thoughts. And third. And fourth. And ninetieth thoughts. But we're still gonna have a baby," she smiled, taking his hand.

"If I can," he complained.

"Steve, you're being silly. What's the scientist in you saying? That after one failed menstrual cycle, we should throw out the baby and the bath water?"

"No," he admitted. "He's telling me we need more trials before I can claim there's a pattern."

"See? Listen to that voice. He's usually right."

"Um. Laura?"

"Yes, honey?" she replied, looking down at her food again as she ate, then back up to him.

"My little scientist voice is telling me something else," he admitted nervously.

"What's that?" she asked, suddenly concerned by his tone.

"Well, he reminded me that I'm not the only variable in this experiment. Maybe you should get tested, too, sweetheart," he suggested gently.

That felt like a stab through Laura's uterus. She placed her right hand gently on her stomach. He thought this might have been her fault? That she might have been…? "Oh," she replied softly, trying and failing to control the tone in her voice.

He read it clear as day. "Oh, Laura, my love, I'm sorry. I don't mean–"

"No," she interrupted quickly. "No, I understand. We're just being cautious. Um. Yeah. I'll call tomorrow."

"No, Sweetums, don't call," he begged, getting down on his knees in front of her. "Don't call. I was being dumb. I'm sure it's not you."

"No," Laura said firmly, "it could be me. We don't know. It's too soon to worry, but since you're getting tested anyway, I might as well." She forced a smile and held his chin in her hand. "Then we'll know for sure that we're both completely healthy."

"I don't want you to think that I think…"

"I know. I know you, Steve. You just need to have all the facts, and in this case, my body is half the facts," she agreed, calming her nauseous stomach slightly. "I get it. It's fine."

"The people at the clinic suggested we come in together anyway."

"Ok, so we will. We'll wait our two days. Then we'll get your sample, and we'll both go in. Ok?"

"Ok," he agreed, standing again. He sat back in front of his dinner.

"We have nothing to worry about, Steve," she assured him again.

"I'm sure you're right," he said tensely.