Chapter 12: Cabin fever
Uryu kept his hands above the crackling fire he'd managed to make and felt the warmth spread through his fingers. He sighed in contentment. The smell of roasted chestnuts filled his nostrils, and soon, he would be able to eat a few of them. It had taken him a few tries to build a fire, as it was not as simple as it seemed, nor the ideal location, but he'd been so happy to pull it off in the end. Thankfully, he'd thought about letting some usable wood and branches dry in a corner of a niche under the bridge ever since he got there for this sole purpose. He thought he deserved a pat on the back for thinking that far ahead. He'd made the fire not inside the niche but still under the protection of the bridge because he was using a lot of cardboard in the niche, and he couldn't risk putting a fire next to that.
Sighing, he poked at the chestnuts with a stick, being careful not to let them burn. Even if he could only eat two or three of them a day to make his stash last longer, it was still better than having only a mouthful of dry crackers. He had planned to gather some more chestnuts the day after he visited the old shrine, but after what had happened there the day he met Ichigo, he'd been so exhausted and discouraged that he lacked both the motivation and strength to pull it off.
At the same time the Quincy was roasting his precious food, he was also heating up water in a small kettle. He had stored it in the school's storage room until now, as he hadn't actually thought it would come to this. But right now, he was very glad he had taken that old, worn thing with him when he was evicted. The nights were getting a little colder each day, and the river's water had become too cold to bathe in at night. So now, at least, he could use warm water. He'd still have to wash himself outside, and that would become quite bothersome when the weather got even colder. However, for now, it was a price he was willing to pay just for the sake of feeling warm water running over his skin again.
Carefully, he filled a tin cup, the only cup he had, with warm water and took a sip. It felt divine! Just the thought of holding and tasting something warm, even if it was plain water, made him so emotional that it filled his eyes with tears.
After that disastrous encounter during his chestnut gathering, Uryu wanted to avoid conflicts at any cost and just tried to maintain an icy facade at school. He attempted to act indifferent to everything that had been going on around him. For the time being, nobody talked to him anyway. It had always been like that, courtesy of his reputation as the unapproachable weirdo. Now that word had spread that he was gay, it had become even worse, as he was now the center of gossip and exaggerated rumors.
Orihime would throw him a smile when their gazes met. Sado and Ichigo continued to give him the cold shoulder. When they shot him down, he reacted in kind, throwing all of his frustration out in that one, meaningful look that could kill. They deserved as much for the way they treated him.
Taking another sip from his water, he sighed, as his stomach growled loudly. He was so very hungry… How many weeks had he been living like this again? He'd never have believed how draining it felt to be malnourished like this if he hadn't experienced it for himself. A diet of a just few crackers and chestnuts wasn't beneficial for a growing young man, to say the least. He was so tired all the time and it was getting worse. His nightmares savagely attacked him every night, making him cry out as he was hurt and defiled over and over again, after which he'd wake up terrified and feeling utterly helpless. He hadn't had a decent night's sleep in a long time… And the knowledge that he had no one to turn to, that he was completely alone, made everything so much harder to bear.
Just watching the chestnuts roast made him reminiscent of his dear departed grandfather and it brought a gloomy smile to his face. The man had taught him how to do this, with his everlasting patience and gentle nature. He'd always been able to relay on his grandfather. Souken had been the complete opposite of his merciless and cruel ex-father.
Feeling exhausted and hungry all the time had caused Uryu's defenses to drop as well. He had done some research on the subject and learned that people in starvation mode were more vulnerable to depression. While he didn't feel that depressed yet, he had to be honest with himself; he knew that things were affecting him faster than they used to.
Carefully, Uryu used the stick to get his chestnuts out of the fire and let them cool for a little while before he could eat a few of them. Since he couldn't make a fire every day, he roasted enough for 2 to 3 days. The same applied to the heated water. Every few days, he'd thoroughly wash himself, while on other days, he'd simply freshen up. The same went for his school uniform and clothes, as it had become too damp outside and he could only get them dry by the fire or by letting them dry during the weekend. Plus, he had to be mindful of his matches, too.
He still hadn't managed to find a job, although not a day went by without him looking and applying everywhere he could. Unfortunately, he never received any positive responses. Living under a bridge didn't do wonders for his appearance. Regrettably, he would run out of cash soon, even with his minimal eating. He knew the only solution was to sell his beloved sewing machine at the pawn shop, but... that was his most prized possession, and the thought of giving it up pained him deeply. However, hunger was a cruel master, and he knew it was either that or...
Wiping the moisture from his eyes, he didn't even want to think about it. If none of his friends were going to help him out in the end, what would become of him?
Okay, so now he was feeling depressed…
He knew he shouldn't be sitting here, wallowing in these gloomy thoughts, but after everything he'd been through these last few months, he just allowed himself to feel this way for now. Tomorrow, he'd gather his courage again.
At least that was what he kept telling himself…
He couldn't help but think about Ichigo again, even though he knew he shouldn't. He understood the boy was suffering a lot, but it felt so unfair to Uryu that Ichigo was taking everything out on him. After all, he was the only person who could truly understand what the Substitute felt. And Ichigo didn't even know that Uryu knew the other boy was aware of everything that had really transpired in that awful prison. That was exactly the reason why Uryu had pledged to keep all those devastating hardships a secret. A hero like Ichigo wasn't meant to know he'd done such cruel things, even if it had been unwillingly. He could only imagine the guilt Ichigo must be feeling. Sighing in deep regret, he kept hoping the Substitute would be able to overcome his vast sense of culpability and shame, as well as come to the conclusion that neither Uryu nor himself were to blame for all those horrendous events. On a quivering breath, he wiped his moist eyes a third time.
The Quincy took one of the chestnuts and yelped softly at the heat it still radiated between his palms. After blowing on it for a few seconds, he couldn't wait any longer and peeled the hot thing swiftly, before carefully taking a bite. It tasted so good. Hunger was the best spice, after all.
After he'd eaten his simple meal, Uryu lifted the hot kettle from the fire with a towel and poured a part of the water into the bucket that was already standing there for washing his clothes and towels after he'd washed himself. He then took the pot and its remaining contents inside the niche, where he could wash himself out of sight, and added cold, bottled water to the pot until it reached the right temperature. Not that many visitors frequented that place, but he didn't want to give any passersby the wrong idea.
Standing in the opposite corner from his makeshift cardboard cot, Uryu took out a towel and quickly undressed so he could wash himself from head to toe. He sat down on a small plastic stool he'd found at school and poured soothing water over himself using his tin cup. Sighing at the sensation, he quickly started scrubbing himself, using as little soap and shampoo as he could spare. His eyes remained on his feet the entire time, but a strong gust of wind made him look up.
He had managed to create some sort of screen using pliable, young branches, cardboard, and pieces of cloth. It wasn't the sturdiest of things, and hard wind knocked it over sometimes, but it provided protection against normal winds. He had tied it to the right corner of the niche, where he slept on his cardboard cot. It gave him a false sense of security, as at least his sleeping area was somewhat protected from both prying eyes and the elements.
It was cold outside, and Uryu was shivering. He took his tin cup again and started rinsing his hair and body when a distant thunder roared. As he looked up from his end of the niche, he saw large, dark clouds gathering above Karakura town. The foreboding sky made him work even faster, as he could tell it was going to rain soon, and he wanted to get dressed quickly.
Thankful for the fire that was still burning under the bridge, Uryu made quick work of washing his laundry so he could use the heat to let it dry next to it. Even if his clothes would smell of smoke, it was the best he could do right now. His uniform wouldn't dry in this damp air otherwise.
As Uryu was finishing his chores, it started pouring. He had made his fire close to the niche and hoped that neither the rain nor the wind would snuff it out. He sat by the fire for a long time, contemplating everything and keeping an eye on his clothes before he got ready to go to bed.
There was only one certainty in his life right now. He was absolutely not going back to Ryuuken. Even if it meant freezing to death outside, he was not going to give that bastard the satisfaction of putting him down even more.
A few days passed, and Uryu woke up from another nightmare feeling unwell. Well, he always did after a horrific dream like that, but this time, he felt particularly under the weather.
Coughing a few times, he turned over onto his belly, shivering all over. Damn. He must have a fever as his throat hurt, and he felt so cold. Pushing himself into a sitting position made his head spin. With a groan, he reached for his big backpack and started rummaging through the few things left inside. He had taken some medical supplies with him, and now was definitely the time to use them. Quickly, he took something for the fever before sinking back down, feeling weak.
He needed to get ready for school, but he also really needed more rest. Debating with himself about what to do, he considered that in normal circumstances, he'd just stay in bed for the day, resting up while fighting what ailed him. But now... the thought of having to stay under the bridge the whole day was truly discouraging. If he went to school, there was heating, running water, and such. Here, he would just have to lay down on his cardboard, shivering in the damp air, especially as these last few days had brought nothing but rain.
No. He definitely wanted to go to school. Even if he wouldn't be able to be attentive during the classes, it would beat staying here the whole day. Besides, his water bottles needed refilling. It was Friday, and he wouldn't have water during the weekend otherwise.
Reaching for one of his bottles, he eagerly gulped down the contents before eating his usual, pathetic breakfast. He was dying for a cup of tea right now, especially with the way his throat hurt. Or even better, some of his mother's broth, the way she used to make It when he was ill as a child.
Coughing, Uryu sat up and tried to do the rest of his morning routine as best as he could. Feeling bad as he was, it took even longer to walk the whole way to school, but he made it, albeit feeling worn out.
The next few hours passed in a blurry haze. The painkillers he took helped bring his fever down a little, but not enough for him to focus on the classes. He absolutely needed to take another dose during the lunch break. Hunger roared inside of his stomach relentlessly, even now. His body was fighting, but he didn't have anything to nourish it. Coughing, his gaze fell on Ichigo. If only he could ask him or one of his friends if they had anything to spare for him. But... that would sound pathetic, and he didn't want to be ridiculed again. Neither could he handle Ichigo's anger outbursts right now.
Clenching his stomach, he bit his lip to suppress a groan as his body shivered from the fever. He felt dizzy and cold and longed for the warm bed he used to sleep in when he still had an apartment.
"Ishida-san? Ishida-san?" He faintly heard the teacher call his name, so he looked up and shook his head to refocus.
"Y-yes?" He asked wearily, earning a few smothered snickers from those around him. He quickly readjusted his glasses and tried to concentrate on the teacher.
"You weren't paying attention!" She snapped angrily. "Come to the front and write the solution for this exercise, please." Uryu could only cough in response. His vision was blurry, and his reactions were slow. When he failed to move, the teacher persisted: "Now!"
"Yes…" He pushed himself up on his desk and started walking toward the blackboard. His legs felt so weak and he could feel shivers run up his spine as he forced his body to comply. Snickers and whispers echoed from all around him while he could feel eyes watching his every move. His low blood pressure was acting up, and he felt his head spinning. Suddenly, he felt something between his feet and realized someone had just made him trip. As he went down, he didn't miss the evil leer Asano Keigo threw him. When he crashed to the floor, he immediately gained the attention of everybody in the room.
"Ishida-san, what's wrong?" He heard the teacher ask from somewhere. Another voice mixed in, "Ishida-kun, are you alright?" That must be Orihime. Dazed, he tried to push himself back up but failed miserably. On a stuttered gasp, he sank back down. The world was spinning around him, and he could hear some of his classmates laughing.
"Ishida-kun?" A chair screeched, and some people started looming over him.
"Faggot!" Someone yelled, and Uryu didn't have to think twice whose voice that was. Ever since those two douchebags had gotten him fired from the restaurant, the gossip about him had become even more exaggerated, and his peers often snickered when he passed by. His secret hadn't been important enough for Ichigo to keep to himself, and now it gave other students a reason to act stupid towards him.
"Ishida?" Another familiar voice sounded.
Groaning, the Quincy tried to get up a second time, but couldn't. Suddenly, he felt hands on his body.
"Whoa! He's burning up! He needs to go to the infirmary!"
Without having the time to say anything the Quincy's vision became dark. Groaning, his grip on reality was slipping away as he heard someone call out his name again.
"Ishida? You're gonna be alright, Ishida."
He could have sworn it sounded like Ichigo…
Ichigo…not acting like a jerk towards him. When they had tried healing together from all they hardships they live through during their captivity. The Ichigo that had been gentle and caring towards him.
Floating in the darkness, Uryu thought he could even smell Ichigo and it made him feel safe. The safest he'd felt in weeks. Before everything became completely dark and he lost consciousness.
On unsure legs, the Quincy was on his way to answer his front door, chest still constricted from the horrors in his dreams. A jolt of frustration shot through him because he was breathing harder than he should've from something so trivial, but almost dying had been very hard on his body and mind and he knew he shouldn't push himself too hard.
Although, he knew for certain it was Ichigo on the other side, he couldn't help but try to feel the spiritual pressure of his visitor, only to sigh in deep regret when he couldn't sense anything.
"Hey, Uryu." Ichigo smiled as he opened the door. The boy was carrying a backpack, as well as a shopping bag. The Quincy muttered a tense reply and watched how the other boy's features shifted into concern as he took in his sight. "You don't look so well…"
"Y-yeah…" was all he could answer, as it was undeniably the simple truth. No, even worse, he felt completely wasted… It had only been a few days since their recue from Szayelaporro's clutches, and although Ichigo had helped him out the first 2 days during and after their stay at Urahara's, he had to return home for his family's sake. So Uryu had spent these last few days completely alone. His father hadn't checked on him once, as was his habit, and there was nobody else to help him out. He'd texted Ichigo, Sado and Orihime a few times, but he just tried to uphold a façade. Especially for the latter two. They didn't know what had really happened, and he wanted to keep it that way.
"I… I've brought some supplies," Ichigo said with a phony smile while he stepped inside and showed him a few items from his bag of groceries. It was clear Ichigo was unsure how to react right now and was testing the air between them. "You sure look like you could use a hearty meal."
"T-thanks…" Uryu muttered, pushing up his glasses and closing the front door again.
As Ichigo toed off his shoes and set them neatly in the corner, he asked: "H-has your day and night rhythm improved yet?"
"No, n-not really, unfortunately," Uryu answered, looking down. He'd been stuck in that awful prison in his physical form, unlike the Substitute, and was thus suffering from all kinds of things Ichigo had been spared from. As it was always dark in that cell unless Szayelaporro wanted to watch them, Uryu had lost all sense of time in that place and just slept whenever he was granted that luxury. Now he was back in the world of the living, a normal schedule where he slept during the night and was awake during the day was not doable yet. The shock of waking up with a body that was completely healed after he'd been on the brink of death had dealt a blow to his psyche he was still trying to recover from and that only added to his body's malfunctioning.
Ichigo hung his jacket up before turning back towards him and asking :"What about meals? And rest? A-and…"
Uryu sighed in response and that made the Substitute fall quiet. Ichigo didn't know how to approach him, that much was clear. When did conversation become strained between them? They had been locked away together for 3 weeks, sharing everything. These few days apart were only the first of a lot that would inevitably follow. That thought alone made Uryu's chest constrict some more. He didn't want to fall apart in front of Ichigo right now, as he knew the other boy was hurt badly by what had transpired, but… he didn't know if he was strong enough to keep his cool at the moment. Everything had changed and he felt unsure about so much, feeling crestfallen, defeated and broken…
When Ichigo finally stepped into his living room, the smile on his face faded as he watched the mess in his apartment. There had been almost nothing edible left when he came back and he hadn't felt up to going to the grocery store yet, so he just tried to make do with the little non perished items he had, leaving wrappers and empty bowls on the table and dirty dishes in the sink. Glasses of water, cups of tea as well as some medication were cluttering his low coffee table. He'd made a safe zone with cushions and blankets on his sofa, like a soft, warm burrow, surrounded by every available lamp in his apartment.
It might not look that bad, but for Uryu, who was always tidy and neat, it felt like a pandemonium right now. And he knew Ichigo had figured that out, too.
"Did you… did you sleep in here?" Ichigo asked him as he quickly set his bag of groceries down, and inspected the cozy nest he'd made, but Uryu didn't answer that question immediately and looked away, feeling weak and ashamed. "But Uryu-"
"I felt safer in here, alright!" The Quincy suddenly snapped. "It's too dark in my room, a-and…" He swallowed. Hard. He couldn't tell Ichigo. He had to be brave and keep it in. He couldn't let him know how broken he was. He was going to try and mask his feelings with anger. At least for now.
"Uryu… " Ichigo breathed out, looking even more concerned. "Why didn't you tell me? I should've come over sooner and-"
"I can take care of myself, Ichigo! I've done so for years!" Uryu countered, trying to uphold his façade while his chest constricted some more. He didn't want to shout at the other boy, but it was not like he was a helpless baby either.
"Y-yes, I know, but…" Ichigo reached out and tried to place a hand on Uryu's shoulder, making him flinch involuntary. The Quincy gasped in return to see the other boy's eyes fill with remorse on a deep sigh, retrieving his hand as if scorched.
"I-I'm sorry, I…" he tried to mend to situation, feeling stupid for hurting Ichigo with that small, uncontrollable act.
"It's alright," Ichigo answered. "How can I blame you after what I did?"
On a wavering breath, Uryu locked eyes with him and studied his face for a loaden, silent moment. Ichigo hadn't been in that prison in his physical form, so his body was looking okay, but the Quincy knew the same couldn't be said about his mental state. Even if Ichigo hadn't suffered the same way he had, he knew the guilt over what he had done was killing him. Unable to meet those pained eyes any longer, the Quincy just looked away.
"I'm sorry… Ichigo…" he repeated, trying to hold on to his sanity while he felt his legs grow weak. Unsure and careful, he reached for the Substitute's hand and clasped it with both of his, still averting his gaze. "I don't want to be the source of your suffering… but…"
The truth was, there was no way he could do this on his own… He wasn't strong enough to cope with all of this by himself… He loved Ichigo with all his heart, but after everything that had happened, part of him was terrified of him. Having those strong emotions clash like this was tearing him apart. He wanted to keep it together in front of Ichigo, but…
Suddenly, he felt a hand taking hold of his chin, forcing him to meet the Substitute's concerned gaze. "Uryu, don't," Ichigo whispered. "Don't hold back around me. I've promised to help you, didn't I? And I intend to keep that promise."
Uryu's lips trembled as he saw the sincerity in the other's eyes and his chest constricted so much his breath caught for a second. He was afraid to hurt the other boy, but… His nightmares were so bad they left him screaming in terror, entangled in his blankets. He needed all those lights around him out of fear to wake up in complete darkness with the dark, sultry voice of Szayelaporro tormenting his every thought. He had eaten so little for weeks in that dump that his stomach wasn't able to handle a lot of food, making him vomit regularly. He was exhausted and paranoid and jumped at the most marginal sounds. And without his powers he felt so desolately naked in the dark…
He felt so weak… He just wanted to lay down and cry until his heavy heart felt a little lighter, enveloped in Ichigo's arms, like they'd done in their cell. He just wanted to hear his heartbeat under his ear as he tried to get some rest, but… He couldn't possibly bring himself to ask. He needed to be strong, to pick his life back up.
Suddenly, he felt thumbs brush over his cheeks and Ichigo whispered: "It's alright, Uryu. It's alright." The Quincy hadn't even realized tears had started spilling from his eyes. And when Ichigo drew him into an embrace, one he needed so badly, his resolve shattered and he couldn't hold back his sobs, his body becoming pliant in Ichigo's warm arms.
"S-sorry… I… I can't…" he tried, voice muffled from tears. He'd longed for Ichigo to hold him like this every day they'd been apart, but he had to be lenient on him and let him go home to recover as well.
"Shhh," Ichigo soothed. "You don't have to tell me. I understand."
The Quincy felt completely drained. He'd just been lying to himself, he realized. He couldn't do this alone. He needed the Substitute's help.
On a broken sob, Uryu's legs buckled, but Ichigo prevented him from sinking down. Without a word, and with determination shining in his eyes, the Substitute picked him up so swiftly, Uryu could do nothing but gasp. His too pale cheeks got a little color from embarrassment as Ichigo carefully carried him into his bedroom. Under normal circumstances, he'd never allow something like this to happen, but right now, he permitted the indiscretion as he was hurting far too much.
When they were both laying down onto the bed, Ichigo pulled him close and slowly started caressing his hair and back.
"I've got you, Uryu. We'll get through this."
The Quincy couldn't answer anything, stunned from the overpowering emotions, and just wrapped his arms around Ichigo, clinging to him desperately and burying his face against Ichigo's neck, sobbing.
"It's okay…" Ichgio whispered, holding him tight, still caressing him. "I've got you, and I'm here to listen whenever you're ready to talk."
That made Uryu's broken heart flutter a little, but he didn't let go of the Substitute, fingers clutching his t-shirt. With tears still falling from his eyes, he sought Ichigo's gentle gaze and they just looked at each other for a moment. Then, Ichigo leaned in and softly pressed his lips against his. Uryu was stunned, overwhelmed by all the conflicting feelings he was experiencing. Ichigo's kiss was tender and slow, and it made a little bit of hope ignite inside his broken heart. Uryu finally felt some anxiety ebb away as he shyly answered the kiss.
When Ichigo pulled back and smiled at him, he felt lost in that moment and was content with just gazing upon the boy he loved, his tears slowly receding.
"We'll just rest for now, Uryu. I'm not going anywhere." Ichigo pressed a soft kiss to his forehead, and the Quincy sighed in content, feeling his body start to relax some more. "I'm staying over for a few days. We'll manage."
"T-thank you… Ichigo…" It was barely a whisper, as Uryu held on tight and felt his body surrender. Exhausted and destressed as he was, it wouldn't take long to fall asleep like this. Certainly not with these familiar arms and heartbeat gently guiding him over the threshold of slumber. And hopefully, he wouldn't suffer from a terrible nightmare whilst in the arms of the boy he loved. Even after everything that happened, when the substitute held him like this it made him feel safe and wanted. It made him forget about the pain and the hurt.
"I've got you, Uryu…"
Uryu opened his eyes on a startled gasp and blinked a few times to the blurriness surrounding him. He wasn't completely awake yet, but the pain in his heart had definitely gained his attention and made his eyes gleam with tears. He'd remembered the start of Ichigo and his healing time together. "I've got you, Uryu…" It sounded like a cheap charade right now, as he knew Ichigo had been playing him the whole time. He couldn't hold back a few tears from the heartache that during all that time the Substitute had done everything out of obligation and guilt.
Blinking a few times to try and wake his hazy mind, it proved to be unsuccessful as he was still stuck in that memory. He'd made a little progress during those few days Ichigo had spent the night at his place, enabling him to at least sleep in his own bed again and do some grocery shopping the following days. They'd talked about the good, the bad and the ugly, when Uryu felt up to that. And Ichigo had slept next to him those few nights, holding him close. It still made his heart palpitate. Even though the Substitute had refused to share anything that was eating at him, no matter how much Uryu had encouraged him to, he just wanted to be there for the Quincy, to offer his support.
A few fresh tears rolled over his cheeks as all of that was only a precious memory now. And those memories stood in pure contrast with how the Substitute Shinigami was treating him now… It hurt him so much. It was like rubbing salt into a gaping wound.
He'd rather Ichigo had just ignored him from the moment they'd gotten back into the world of the living. Maybe he wouldn't have been able to come to school at the start of the new term then, but it would've been a lot less painful for him.
After he'd given himself a moment to recover, he started taking in his surroundings, which was not easy without his glasses. Where was he? He quickly dried his tears and tried to refocus. He was laying down in a bed, under white linens, with white curtains enclosing him. Then he vaguely recalled fainting in class and guessed this must be the infirmary. He tried to push himself upright in the bed on a moan, but his body wasn't keen on following that order.
All of a sudden, one of the curtains opened and a middle aged man stuck his head inside. His vision wasn't good enough to make out any characteristics about the man, and instinctively he reached for his glasses to fix that.
"It's good to see you awake, young man, but please don't force yourself to sit up just yet," the man said, while pushing Uryu back down. "You were brought in with a fever and although I've given you something to bring it down, you still need to rest." The man blinked a few times before his lips curved in a smile as he saw the wary look on the Quincy's face. "Oh, where are my manners? I'm Sato Haruto, the school nurse. There's no need to be alarmed, son."
"O-oh! R-right," Uryu stammered. Prejudice was something he wasn't fond off, but he hadn't expected his high school to have a male nurse. Suddenly, the man handed over his glasses and he quickly put them on. As he looked up at the nurse, he could now tell the man had short hair and friendly eyes and was dressed in a white, doctor's robe. "Thank you, sir."
"You're welcome… Ishida-san, was it?" Uryu nodded. "And no need to call me sir, Sato will do just fine. Now let's get some light in here, shall we." The man opened up the curtains, and the Quincy let his eyes glide across the rest of the man's office. As his gaze fell onto the big window behind the man's desk, he noticed the daylight was already starting to diminish, so it had to be late in the afternoon already.
"What time is it, Sato-san?"
"Oh, you slept for quite some time, Ishida-san. It's already passed 16 o'clock and school's over for today. You really needed to rest for a while. Besides that fever, you seemed exhausted. Are you already feeling a bit better now?"
"Y-yes, thank you. It must be the medication working," he confirmed. The painkillers were doing its job as his throat didn't hurt that much right now, although the fever still made him feel cold and weak.
The nurse passed him a glass of water and helped him sit up. "Here, you should drink plenty of fluids." As Uryu was doing just that, Sato continued with a smile. "Your friends brought you in here, you know."
The archer almost choked, and coughed a few times. "M-my… friends?"
"Yes, that Kurosaki kid and his tall friend. You know. His father is an acquaintance of mine. Quite the looney that one, but he has his heart in the right place."
Uryu didn't really get if the man was referring to Ichigo or Isshin because he couldn't fathom what he'd just heard. "K-Kurosaki has brought me here?" he asked, incredulously.
"Well, yeah," the nurse quipped as he helped Uryu back down and readjusted his covers. "He's your friend isn't he? He and that tall boy seemed quiet worried about you, too."
"T-they were?"
"I reassured them though, as the reason you fainted had to be the fever. Nothing a few days rest and a little medication can't cure."
"R-right," Uryu stammered. He tried to maintain a blank face, but the notion that Ichigo and Sado were worried about him made his chest swell with a little happiness and he couldn't help but feel moisture gather at the corners of his eyes again.
"Whoa, there son! No need to cry over this!" Sato exclaimed as he went to sit down on a chair besides him and had undoubtedly caught his watery eyes. "It's nothing to worry about. You'll be as fit as a fiddle in a few days."
Uryu quickly pressed his palms into his eyes to wipe them. He couldn't help but chuckle because of the face Sato was giving him. The idea that his friends had helped him out had caused a bitter-sweet avalanche inside of him. Had they finally stopped being angry? Could there finally be a sparkle of hope for him?
"Now, Ishida-san, there is something we need to discuss." The nurse took on a more serious tone and Uryu tried his best to give him his full attention again. "Judging from your eye rims I can tell that you are anemic, son. I can give you some iron supplements to help you with that, but I must recommend for you to see a doctor as soon as possible. Judging from your bloodwork, the doctor can determine a proper dose and how long you'll have to take iron supplements."
"R-right. I'll do that," The Quincy lied. He couldn't afford to pay a doctor's visit, nor could he afford any medication. That realization sobered him up in no time and so he averted his gaze and sighed.
"And I hope you don't mind me saying this," Sato continued as he gave him an intent look, albeit with a soft smile, "but you're a bit underweight, Ishida-san. I have to advise you to try and eat a little more. It will do you good."
Uryu gasped as his gaze met the warm eyes of his school's nurse. Feeling the helplessness silence him at that, he just nodded while placing an arm over his eyes, unable to watch the concern and honesty in Sato's gaze. "I-I'll try." He couldn't help but feel guilty at the lie he just told, but it was a necessary evil.
"Now, just give me a minute. I'll be right back."
As he watched the nurse leave the infirmary, Uryu sighed again and closed his eyes for a bit. He still couldn't believe Sado and Ichigo had been worried enough about him to bring him in here. Had he not imagined Ichigo's voice right before he fainted after all? His lips curved into a faint smile as little butterflies fluttered inside his belly, spreading hope that warmed his broken heart. He resolved to talk to them on Monday, to thank them for their help, and hoped with all his being that they could finally get past their arguments and be friends again.
After a while, Uryu was snapped out of his reverie by the clattering of tableware. The nurse hurried towards him with a tray, beaming. He propped Uryu up on some extra cushions and placed the tray on the overbed table, positioning it so that Uryu could use it comfortably.
"Look what I got you, Ishida-san." The man smiled broadly. "I asked the cafeteria staff to whip something up for my feverish patient, and they put it in the fridge for me as you needed to sleep first. I reheated it myself just now, although I'm not much of a kitchen prince."
Uryu gaped at the food in front of him. There was a bowl of warm okayu rice porridge, that immediately reminded him of his grandfather, as he always made the same thing when he was ill as a child. Next to it was a steaming bowl of hearty broth, topped with simmered salmon and seaweed. A little side of umeboshi pickled plums and a fragrant orange finished the meal.
"B-but… my lunch… I…"
"Don't worry, son. I know you forgot your lunch today," Sato said, eyes gleaming with compassion. "I had your friends bring over your bag, but we couldn't find anything edible inside, so I just asked my colleagues at the cafeteria for a little favor. Besides, these are all highly digestible foods, that'll do you well."
"B-but…" This was the most food he'd seen in weeks. And it was a hot meal, too! Even if it were all dishes made for an ailing person, he had to refrain from drooling at the sight. Before he could say any more, his stomach made an angry growl, demanding food. Uryu wrapped his arms around it to try to make it shut up while his cheeks turned pink.
Sato laughed. "Hunger is a good sign, Ishida-san. There's no need to feel embarrassed about it."
"Thank you, sir." The Quincy bowed gratefully, a warm smile curving his lips.
"You're very welcome! Now, you eat your lunch or dinner… linner! That's it." The nurse laughed again. "Eat your linner, Ishida-san. And afterwards, I want you to rest some more. I'll only be going home in about an hour or 2, so you can stick around for that time."
"Thank you, Sato-san. I'll do that."
"Also, I want you to take plenty of rest the next days. It's Friday evening, so you can stay in bed for the whole weekend. Just tell your parents I told you so. I'll give you some painkillers to take with you, just in case. And the iron supplements I promised you."
Uryu happily dug into his linner, while Sato went to gather for said medication. He did so cautiously, though, as the last thing he wanted right now was throw up from eating too fast.
After the nurse had administered another dose to stave off his fever, he bid the Quincy farewell with the words that he was always welcome in his infirmary, but that it would be better if they saw each other as little as possible.
Uryu went to fetch his shoes and fill his water bottles for the weekend before heading towards the gates of the schoolgrounds. His legs still felt weak, but he managed, albeit slower. As he looked up towards the red and pink gradient in the sky, he sighed in delight. Not only because the heavens looked exceptionally beautiful at dusk right now, but also because it was well worth a shot to try talking to Sado and Ichigo again on Monday.
Taking a deep breath, a smile curved his lips. Things were finally looking up. Maybe they could at long last leave all those arguments behind them and be friends again!
As he passed the bicycle storage, he suddenly stopped at the faint voices he heard. It sounded like… Yes, it sounded like Ichigo and Sado. Speaking of the devil! They were probably hanging out behind the storage, as there was a wooden patio that was often used by students.
After a brief pause of hesitation, Uryu decided he could as well try to talk to them now. Why wait until Monday? With a smile on his face, he slowly walked between the 2 storage boxes towards the patio. He could already see the both of them sitting down. Ichigo had his back turned towards him, and was sitting perched over. Sado had a hand on his shoulder and was looking at him worriedly. As the Quincy got closer, he started to pick up on their conversation.
"I-it's just so hard, Chad," Ichigo lamented with a hoarse voice. "He never listens. I don't know what to do anymore…"
"It's okay, Ichigo. We'll find a way," Sado soothed, squeezing the Substitute's shoulder.
"I-I hope so… I really need him to-"
Then, slowly getting closer, Uryu stepped on a branch that snapped under his feet and the two boys immediately looked in his direction. His heart stopped for a second. Ichigo was looking at him in utter bewilderment, red streaks staining his face, taking a sharp gasp as their gazes locked. Had he been crying?
Sado looked startled to see him standing there as well, before quickly turning to Ichigo and whispering something to him. With his back towards him again, Ichigo quickly rubbed at his eyes and nodded.
"H-hey, guys," Uryu tried, hesitantly, while he put his belongings down to spare his back. "A-are you alright, Kurosaki? Y-you seem shaken."
As they both turned around to face him with an angry glare, it immediately shattered his hope that they weren't angry anymore. The smile he wore was quickly fading while he already felt tension creeping up on him.
Maybe this wasn't a good idea after all…
Both teens stepped towards him. Ichigo was in front with his hands in his pockets, backed by Sado. Ichigo was pretending to be okay, despite his red-rimmed eyes and tense body language, but Uryu knew better. He had admired him in secret so many times, he knew when something was bothering him. Especially after those secret moments they'd spent together.
"What do you want, Ishida?"
Uryu swallowed at the hostility the Substitute radiated. The last words he'd shouted at him still fresh in mind. "You're so toxic! You just make everything worse! I fucking hate you!" Trying to shake the hurt those words stirred inside of him off by taking a quivering breath, he tried to reclaim that determination that had made him smile only moments ago. He wasn't giving up that easily, strengthened by today's events. Ichigo had told him time after time he needed to stay away from him, but as he could see through the other boy's façade and knew something was definitely ailing him he forced himself to smile again to counter him.
"I wanted to thank you both for bringing me to the infirmary." They just stared at him, making his confidence falter, but he continued. "A-and I was hoping that we could finally resolve this situation and-"
"Yeah, yeah," the substitute interrupted, locking eyes with him. "Don't get any wild ideas. We only did what had to be done, alright." Sado hummed in confirmation.
"Yes, but… that was kind of you. You didn't have to help me, but you did."
Ichigo scoffed at that. "Look, Ishida. Nobody else wanted to touch and I quote: 'a faggot', alright."
The Quincy's breath hitched. "W-what?"
Sado backed that. "He's telling the truth, Ishida. We were the only ones that wanted to carry you."
"We couldn't just leave you there on the floor," Ichigo added. "The teacher was going crazy."
Uryu gaped at them, completely shocked, and felt his composure start to crumble. After all those times he had helped them out... "So... you didn't really want to help me? You only did so because..."
They both stared him down, faces blank but eyes intense, and Uryu could tell they were not lying. That harsh truth hit him so hard. He suspected Orihime had probably wanted to help him out too, but couldn't do so by herself. As for the other girls, he really didn't know. The boys, on the other hand…
Another crack formed in his broken heart and he knew that must be clearly visible on his face. He was feeling so unwell, it was impossible to mask anything today. On a wavering breath, he let his head hang to shield his features behind his hair. The happiness that had made his chest swell mere minutes ago crept into a dark corner of his mind again.
Once again, he had been naive to think things were going to change. He had even been foolish enough to start hoping he wouldn't have to sleep under the bridge anymore. He still hadn't learned, had he?
Ichigo blamed the outcome of their captivity on him and although he couldn't change any of that, he just wanted them to be friends again. He was lonely and his current life was very difficult to bear all by himself. It weighed heavily on him.
Making fists of his hands, he felt desperation add to the swirl of emotions already tearing him apart right now and he decided to attempt to appeal to Ichigo again. "Kurosaki, about what happened at Szayelaporro's prison… I…"
"I don't wanna hear it!" Ichigo shouted at him and that made him look back up.
"Yeah, I know that! But, if you just gave me a chance, we could get past this. Please, I-"
"Shut up!" Ichigo sneered.
"Ichigo!" Sado suddenly stepped in between. "Don't get riled up over this. You know that's not what you want. Especially not since he just left the infirmary. Let me handle this."
"S-Sado-kun…" Uryu stammered as he didn't miss the angry look the large teen was giving him.
"Go on ahead, Ichigo," Sado continued. "I'll catch up with you."
The Quincy heard Ichigo let out a deep breath, which drew his attention back towards him. He saw a range of emotions cross Ichigo's features: anger, hurt, confusion, and conflict. Then, Sado placed a palm on Ichigo's shoulder and squeezed it gently, and Uryu watched as sadness took over the other boy's face.
"Y-you're right, Chad. I better go…"
Uryu took a sharp gasp as that defeated look made his heart clench. Even after everything the Substitute had said to him, he couldn't let him go. "K-Kurosaki, please, I want to help you. I know I can."
The large teen interrupted him, suddenly towering over him. "Hold it, Ishida. I don't know all the details of what's been going on between you two, yet, but I do know you are seriously upsetting Ichigo. Again."
Uryu felt his anxiety choke him and looked away. He was upsetting Ichigo? What about him? Did they really have no idea how they made him feel? Standing on weak legs, his body was shivering because of the fever and the anemia wasn't helping either. He needed to sit down for a bit, but he was trapped in this argument he wasn't going to win. Ichigo was obviously distressed, but he couldn't reach out to him, and Sado's first instinct was to stay loyal to his best friend.
"Just leave me alone, Ishida. I can't give you what you want." That made Uryu look up and take a quivering breath, but Ichigo was already walking away.
"I just… want to be friends again…" The Quincy stammered.
"You have to stop this, Ishida," Sado said angrily, while coming to stand in front of the archer. "Ichigo is going through so much and he doesn't need arguments like this. It's only making him feel worse. Now, I still don't know what happened between the two of you, but I know Ichigo isn't interested in you that way. You are making him feel-"
"Uncomfortable?" Uryu snapped, his desperation had morphed into frustration, and he was thoroughly fed up with Ichigo and his friends constant over-scrutinizing behavior. "Yeah, I know! Both you and Abarai can't keep from lecturing me about it! I know, everything's all my fault, too. Kurosaki can't keep reminding me!"
Sado growled at his unyielding attitude, but Uryu felt he had every right to be angry at how they treated him.
"I'm not saying everything is your fault. There are always 2 sides to every story. But, when I see Ichigo suffer like that… I'm just asking you to stop loving him. He's never going to return your feelings. It won't help you in any way to keep holding on to that."
Uryu howled at that, before bursting into a sarcastic laugh. Who did they all think they were? He couldn't take this crap anymore. "Yeah, he's been really honest with me about that so far! Why don't you ask him about his theatrical performance after we got back from that prison? What a complete idiot I was to believe he actually gave a damn about me!"
"Ishida, calm down."
Completely fed up, the Quincy rambled on, overrun by emotions. "Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you? You just want an excuse to treat me like shit, like Kurosaki and Abarai. After all, I'm just a dirty faggot, aren't I? I'm just a burden now, aren't I? A powerless, gay, ex-Quincy! The joke of the entire school!"
"That's enough, Ishida. Take a deep breath, and-"
"Shut up!" Uryu snarled, slapping the hand that reached for him away, and shooting Sado down with a lethal glare. Even though, the fever was making him feel dizzy and his breath had picked up a lot, he just couldn't stop. The devastation inside his heart had just completely gone out of control. "What does it matter to you? You don't care about a gay freak, like me. You're all afraid I'd want to get into your pants! Being gay equals sleep around, doesn't it? You all think I'm a whore, anyway!"
"Ishida…" Sado said in a warning tone, looking down at him disapprovingly. Uryu only got angrier about it.
"Nobody wants to listen to me!" He hurled, on the verge of a breakdown. "Nobody cares about trash like me! Do you even still consider me human? You assho-"
The flat of Sado's powerful hand crashed against his cheek, and Uryu fell back on his ass on a startled yelp. He had been completely surprised by the blow and looked up at Sado's furious eyes. He had never seen him angry like this before.
"That's more than enough, Ishida!" he shouted. "Don't act like we all hate you! You're making a complete fool out of yourself. Now I understand what Ichigo meant with you being a drama-queen." The Quincy just looked at him with big, incredulous eyes, while cradling his painful cheek. "I'm sorry for hitting you, but there was no other way to calm you down. You were completely losing it."
Feeling devoid of energy, Uryu just let his head hang low. His hair covering his face and his lower lip trembling from the explosion of pent up emotions. Ah, yes, drama-queen, he'd forgotten to throw that insult into the mix.
"You obviously aren't feeling well, but I have no other choice than to ask you not to rely on Ichigo anymore. Try to find another friend. It would be the best for the both of you."
Uryu felt his heart break while his eyes filled with tears and quickly pulled up his knees to bury his face against them. He couldn't take their judgment anymore. He didn't want Sado to look at him any longer. There was absolutely no point, besides him feeling even more miserable about it. Like giving up on Ichigo was something easy. As if he'd find another friend he could rely on like that anytime soon. Especially not now…
The Quincy did his very best to keep himself from falling even deeper and not burst into sobs right now. He didn't look up when he heard Sado walk away with a whispered excuse. Feeling fragile, both in mind and body, he was going to have to sit down here for a while, before managing standing up and walking back to his hideout.
How much more of this would he be able to take? He just wanted a friend… Somebody he could turn to in this time of need… He needed to find support, so badly, but nobody wanted to listen to him. His situation started to look bleaker by the day…
When he finally found the strength to get up, the sun was already setting. It was Friday evening, so he had the whole weekend to try and shake off his fever. He'd promised the nurse to take ample rest, either way. Even if he'd had to lie about eating more. He felt so miserable that he dreamed about laying down for a whole week, but knew he had no choice but to start looking for a job again as quickly as possible…
Taking a long, shuddering breath, he tried to strengthen himself with the notion that love was a power beyond his control, and he had no ability to influence it in any way. No matter how desperately Ichigo, Sado or Renji wanted him to…