- See end for Author's Note
"When she was drunk she made cancer jokes,
made up her own doctor's notes,
we rattled around and tried to keep moving on our own."
-"Elephant" Jason Isbell
Weeks and weeks of that nasty cough and constricted throat meant that Ice could no longer ignore his wife's pleas for him to please go see a doctor, so he finally set one up with his primary care doctor, a Naval doctor who'd been Ice's PCP for years. What Iceman expected was "you're just getting older;" "you spend a lot of time talking in meetings;" "years of flying and straight oxygen through a mask" and so forth. The last thing he expected was…
Cancer.
The word hung in the air between him and Dr. Cotton, a gray cloud, an unwelcome guest. Ice had expected a quick call a week after labs had been drawn and the ultrasound had been done, instead it was a plea from the nurse, "Dr. Cotton would like to see you right away, and he suggests you bring your wife along as well.
Well that can't be good, Ice had thought as he phoned Sarah and asked her to meet him at the doctor's office. He was standing out front waiting for her, and she'd rushed over to him, brow puckered in concern. He'd just smiled at her - that winning smile that still made her heart skip a beat, but years of experience told her that the smile didn't quite reach his eyes, that the smile was purely for her benefit. He held his left hand out and she'd grasped it with her right, walking together into the unknown.
And now that word…
Sarah, still holding her husband's left hand, tried swallowing against the lump of fear that had risen in her throat. To his credit, Ice's expression had only changed a fraction with the news, but he was flipping a pen around his fingers with his right hand - a tell tale sign he was nervous as far as Sarah was concerned.
"You're sure it's throat cancer?" Ice was asking Dr. Cotton, who nodded.
"We need to do a biopsy, but Tom…Sarah, there's definitely signs of it on the ultrasound and the labs confirm it. We just need to biopsy the mass to determine what stage it is, its malignancy, and so on."
"Aren't there risks?" Sarah managed to gasp out as the doctor nodded reluctantly.
"Yes of course, but there is a greater risk if we do nothing."
Sarah nodded, eyeing her husband, who still seemed cool as a cucumber. He does come by his callsign honestly, Sarah thought. And he didn't make it this far up the ladder by being unable to control his emotions.
She knew it would come out later anyway.
They arranged the appointment for the biopsy for the next day - Dr. Cotton didn't want to wait - and they drove home, deciding to leave her car there and ride home in Ice's Mercedes, his hand clutching hers again as he drove through San Diego to their home, silent the entire way. Their youngest daughter, Felicity, still living at home but attending the university nearby, was about to be on her way out to stay at a friend's as her parents pulled up to the house. She expected the usual peck on the cheek and a "please be careful!" From her father, but instead was met with a long, tight hug, followed by a whispered, "I love you, Happiness."
This earned him a worried look from his daughter, but Sarah assured her everything was fine and shooed her out the door. They needed the solitude tonight.
"Are you hungry, Tom?" He shook his head no, and Sarah said in agreement, "yeah, me neither." They stood and stared at each other for a few minutes.
"Do you want to call the kids?" Sarah asked hesitantly. It seemed premature to do so before the biopsy but…
Again Tom shook his head no, and instead simply said, "I want to go upstairs." He held out his hand to her and she allowed him to lead her upstairs to their bedroom.
Once inside he took her face in both of his hands, kissing her slowly and gently at first, but gradually getting more insistent. They made love slowly and tenderly, savoring each other as though it would be their last time together; they had made love thousands of times but still Ice wanted to memorize again the little quirks of his wife's body, afterwards planting kisses on her neck and collarbone.
They lay together for a long while, Ice facing her, running his fingers idly through her hair, but the look on his face made him seem far away as he gazed over her shoulder. Her hand traced along the lines of muscles on his torso, asking him:
"What are you thinking about?"
His answer was not what she had expected.
"Carole Bradshaw," he replied with a heavy sigh. That earned him a tick upward of her eyebrows and his wife rearranging herself so she could look at him fully, propped up on her elbow. She was only mildly surprised at his response; it made sense that he was thinking about Carole, after all it had been less than two years since she'd died, less than two years since the Kazanskys had brought meals over three times a week, (more so for Bradley…and Maverick… than Carole, who had lost her appetite months before), less than two years since they'd watched her helplessly waste away…Sarah shivered a little remembering Carole's last days, and a specific memory perched in her brain suddenly, one she hadn't given much thought to until now.
"Tom…do you remember when Carole was dying, and she asked to speak with Maverick privately and they were in the room together for hours…and we ended up taking Bradley to the movies with us and Felicity…do you know what they talked about?"
Ice cleared his throat, a more jarring response than normally would have been, and softly began his reply.
"I do…"
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
They'd opened all the windows in the house in order to ensure that Carole got as much fresh air and sunshine as possible. All of them were used to the San Diego heat anyway, and Ice, Maverick, and Sarah all felt that it did her good to at least feel the breeze on her face and hear the birds outside. The days were filled with keeping her company, keeping Bradley occupied, Ice and Sarah spending as much free time as they could here: making sure Bradley and Maverick were eating, Ice telling Carole the same old stories about Goose from flight school…and all of them trying to ignore the inevitable when the nurses came by to check on her and adjust her medications.
Eventually, there was a nurse there most of the time, although she mostly stayed out of their way and let this little family have their time together. Bradley and Maverick spent as much time with Carole as possible, Ice could even recall how on her last day (although they didn't know that at the time), he had walked in with bags of groceries, found the house almost silent, and discovered Bradley sound asleep in the bed with his mother, curled into her side, and Maverick tucked into the recliner in the corner, chin in his hand and snoring softly. Ice had left the sleeping teen and pilot as they were, a heavy feeling of sadness filling his heart. The only family Maverick and Bradley would have would soon be only each other, and Tom and Sarah of course.
Ice found his heart twisting for his best friend, his wingman. Losing Goose all those years ago had been bad enough, and Ice knew Maverick had never really and truly forgiven himself for what had happened; had never been able to fully move on. But so much more loss…losing both parents as a child, in and out of various family members' homes until he was finally old enough to join the Navy, being rejected from the naval academy due to a false report about his father…
Others they had lost through the years, whether in war or accidents or disease or simply old age…but this loss would hit Maverick far worse than those. Ice decided that the next day he would ask for favors so Maverick could take the time off that he needed to. Ice wondered how much time hecould feasibly spend here, or Sarah; Felicity was their only child still at home, the others away at college or beginning their own lives, but Felicity was a junior in high school, although fairly independent, and he or Sarah could make sure she was taken care of while still offering their support to Carole, Bradley, and Maverick.
He'd started putting groceries away when he heard movement and the groan of a middle-aged man getting up from a chair, and the soft click of a door gently closing just down the hall, and turned his head to see Maverick quietly padding into the kitchen, the last vestiges of sleep still apparent in his face. Ice noted the bags under his friend's eyes, the lines on his face that had gotten deeper in the last few months and weeks. Mav's eyebrows rose and he jumped, startled.
"Ice! I didn't think you were coming by until…." Maverick eyed the clock on the microwave before continuing. "Well, three o'clock. Which is now. But it was just 12:30…I was just going to sit down for a minute…" Mav rubbed a hand over his face, then giving Ice a sheepish grin.
"Guess I was more tired than I thought. Bradley too."
Ice shut the fridge and turned to look at his friend. "I don't think either of you have slept much, Mav."
Maverick shook his head. "No, I guess not. But I can't sleep, Ice, I just can't…I'm so scared of losing her…It's like I'm scared something's going to happen to her if I fall asleep, you know? Like she'll need me and I'll miss it because I'm asleep…I don't want to miss anything…" These words had come tumbling out; Maverick hadn't meant to share that silent fear with Iceman but it had to be released from his subconscious. He suddenly looked down, folding his arms, squeezing his eyes shut. He'd built a wall around his grief, determined to bottle up his feelings and keep them hidden, but Maverick had never been good at keeping his feelings stowed away, and here at his confession those emotions were threatening to escape.
Ice knew him well enough to know what that gesture meant, what Maverick needed at that time, so he stepped forward, opening his arms, and Maverick reciprocated, welcoming his friend's embrace and sinking into it. Maverick had been trying to hide it but he was exhausted; his heart ached constantly and he felt the grief deep in his bones. Tears pricked and then filled his eyes as Ice held him as tight as he could in that small, cheery kitchen, the day's afternoon sunlight still giving it illumination.
Sarah walked in the door then with Felicity in tow, smiling in both relief and sadness to see the two men locked in an embrace, Tom soothingly rubbing and patting Mav's back, which had started heaving under the weight of unshed tears. Sarah knew Maverick had been trying to keep his grief stifled but had pushed it down for far too long for Bradley's sake; Carole was like his sister and they had been close even before Goose died. Now, fifteen years later, her loss was hitting him as hard as Goose's had.
Ice gently released Maverick after a long while, once the sobs had reduced to sniffles and his breaths had evened out. Bradley had crept out of his mother's room then, and the worry that had a permanent residence on his face became even more pronounced, his eyes scanning the faces of the adults in the room, his extended family. He didn't miss Maverick turning his back to him to quickly wipe the tears off his face, didn't ignore the fresh wet patch on Ice's shoulder, or the wary, pitying look Sarah was aiming Maverick's way.
"Mom's awake," the teen announced, more to Maverick than anyone else. He could tell by the look on Mav's face that he was wishing he hadn't wiped the tears away, because they would be returning shortly. Bradley nodded at Maverick.
"She said she wants to talk to you, Mav."
Maverick sighed and glanced at Ice, then Sarah, who simply offered back looks of sympathy. He gave Sarah a peck on the cheek as he walked by, and Felicity too. To Bradley at first he squeezed his arm, then pulled the boy into a brief hug as well before disappearing into Carole's room.
Bradley looked at Ice, and then Sarah. "Um, they might be a while, Mom and I talked for a few minutes and then she said she had a lot to talk about with Mav, and specifically said to me 'don't you be hovering around waiting for me.' Which…in mom-speak means it's gonna be a long talk."
Sarah moved to the now-stocked refrigerator, asking over her shoulder, "are any of you hungry?" And eyeing the teenagers, who both nodded. She looked up at her husband with a smirk. "And you, Admiral?"
Ice nodded with a small smile as they heard the bedroom door click shut.
Maverick hesitantly walked into Carole's bedroom, waiting in the doorway, unsure of what to do or what she needed. She was looking up at him from the bed, propped up, and patted the mattress.
"Close the door, Pete, and come on over and sit with me." He closed the door gently, tentatively going over to her bed and sitting on the edge, turned so he was facing her.
She chuckled weakly. "What are we, strangers? Get over here."
That made him break out into a genuine smile, and he maneuvered himself so he was sitting cross-legged on the bed, as close to her as he could manage. She held out her left hand and he took it, squeezing it gently. He did his very best to keep looking her in the eyes and not be downcast, but in truth he was fearful that this would be their last conversation. Her skin had turned paler over the last two weeks, but her eyes burned with intensity.
"Pete, I need to talk to you," she said, her voice stronger than it had been in weeks. He nodded against the lump that had returned quickly to his throat, against the weight that seemed to have settled itself on his shoulders. She sighed, reaching a hand over to cup his cheek for a moment before her strength failed and she had to drop her arm back to the mattress. She had woken briefly earlier, finding herself so very moved by the warmth of her son sleeping at her side, and the sight of Maverick asleep in the recliner, never far from her or Bradley. But her heart had welled with sadness as well, for her son who would soon be an orphan, for Maverick who would soon lose another piece of his family; and sadness for herself, who was being robbed of time with her loved ones.
"I'm nearing the end, I know I am, and we need to be clear on some things, ok?" He nodded again, not quite able to form words at first, but finally able to give her a whispered "okay…"
"I want you to hear it from my own lips, Pete Mitchell, that I do not - and never have - blame you for Nick's death." He opened his mouth but she held a hand up. "No, I'm going to get this out. I know we've talked about this a hundred times but I am going to have a final say in it once and for all. For the last time…I do not blame you… I do not hold you responsible…do you hear me?"
He could no longer suppress his tears; crying with Ice in the kitchen had broken the dam that he'd built up bit by bit over the last few months. So he was not surprised when he felt the sudden wet on his cheeks, flowing down to drip off his chin. The wound in him that Goose's death had created had never fully healed; in fact it was still raw, still tender to the touch. He also realized his suspicion was probably true: this would likely be his last full conversation with Carole. He remembered reading something about how many people who are dying get a sudden burst of energy when they are near the end….it had happened with his mother, so much so that they'd thought she was actually improving…
He futilely wiped the tears off his cheeks with his free hand, but they were still flowing, and his nose had started to run, as the reality of it all slapped him in the face: she was dying, right now, slowly, and there was nothing he could do to stop the juggernaut of death, no mission he could fly that would save her. Losing Carole meant losing a piece of himself. Bradley had his father taken away so cruelly, when he was still so young, and now would lose his mother at the fledging of adulthood. It was all so goddamn UNFAIR, Maverick thought, and his stomach twisted in a knot.
Carole released holding his hand, but only to again reach up and wipe tears off his cheeks. She knew Maverick well enough to know that he'd been trying to suppress his feelings the last few months, really since she told him she had cancer. She knew about his fiercely protective nature; he wanted to take care of her and not be a blubbering mess, but like Ice, she knew he'd pushed it down for too long. Hell she was sad too, and angry, but she didn't want to die with anger in her spirit.
Maverick smiled gratefully at her through his tears as she found a tissue and dabbed his eyes with it.
"You've gotta let it go, Pete," she said simply, now wiping at her own tears.
"Oh, Carole," Maverick said. "I wish I knew how…" he had to pause and take a deep breath to steady himself. "But please, Carole, I…I'm going to be fine…what can I do for you?"
She gripped his hands again, her expression turning serious.
"Boy, do you think I don't know you? You're NOT going to be fine, not at first anyway, but shoot, I'd be a mess too if our positions were reversed." She rubbed the backs of his hands with her thumbs.
"Don't push away help, ok? Don't let it fester like it did when you were teaching at Top Gun. Let them help you." She said this last sentence with a nod towards the door.
As if on cue, the bedroom door gently cracked open, and Ice's apologetic face appeared.
"Sorry, ah, Carole, just wanted to let you know we're going to take Felicity and Bradley to see a movie, and we'll be back later. Just call if you need anything, both of you."
Maverick gave a nod of thanks as Carole gave Ice a weak smile.
"Thanks, Tom, and to Sarah too. I appreciate it." She wiggled Maverick's hands, still clasped in her own. "We're going to be a while yet." Ice smiled back and then retreated, gently closing the door behind him.
Maverick looked Carole in the eyes, wanting to savor this time alone with her. He marveled at their long friendship, remembering how he had liked her instantly, how she'd immediately taken his arm in hers conspiratorially and asked for all the good gossip on Goose, sending her then-boyfriend off to the bar to get them drinks.
He remembered the first day he had come over to see her and Bradley after the funeral, after their mission, how he was so tentative, still so unsure, until she'd packed him and Bradley a sandwich each and sent them off to the park for the afternoon.
He remembered all the times he had kept trying to apologize for Goose, and how every time she had put her hand on her hip, smiled, and said, "This again, Pete?" And then always a peck on the cheek before going back to whatever she'd been doing.
He came to every one of Bradley's baseball practices and games when he was in town, took the boy around the base, even let him sit in a plane when he was a little older a few times. Each time Carole would make a crack about Penny Benjamin and ask Maverick if he was TRYING to get sent back to Bosnia. That memory brought a smile to his face, and he chuckled as Carole asked him what he was so funny. He told her, and she laughed too.
"Oh man," she chuckled. "Sometimes I forget how funny I am." And that only made Maverick laugh harder. It had been a while since he'd had a genuine belly laugh, and it not only did him some good but Carole as well.
They were both wiping their eyes again, only this time they were tears of mirth instead of sorrow. Then they sat together in thoughtful silence, holding hands again, lost in memories and appreciating each other's company.
After a few minutes Carole released Maverick's hands as her own hands went to her neck. She undid the clasp on the necklace she always wore - Goose's cross necklace - with his wedding ring hanging on it as well. She slid the gold band off the chain and held it out to Maverick, who took it, mystified, as she put the necklace back on.
"Carole," Maverick began, "why…are you giving me this?" As confused as he was, an amused sparkle was in his eye, and she rolled her eyes back at him.
"Don't get any ideas, Pete Mitchell," she said, amused, but then her tone turned serious.
"Please give that to Bradley when…when he's ready…" tears shone in her eyes as Maverick rolled the ring between his fingers and he stared at it reverently. He knew what this meant to her, and what it would mean to Bradley some day. He had to blink against the memory of Goose and Carole's wedding, of Carole putting that ring on Goose's finger while he grinned at her…
"I hate…that I won't be here…" she took a deep breath, steadying herself as she tried to suppress the sobs welling in her.
"To see him get married. To see the man that he'll become. I mean, I hope I'll be able to watch from heaven, but it won't be the same…" She sighed and idly touched the cross necklace with her thumb and forefinger.
Maverick put the ring in his pocket, then reached out and took her hand again.
"I wish you could be here for it too. For his graduation from high school, and from the Naval Academy…" Maverick chuckled lightly, looking her in the eyes. "I think he could end up being a pretty great pilot…"
He had expected a smile, or some other joyous reaction, but instead she looked down at her lap, biting her lip.
Mav shook his head a little, squeezing her hand. "Carole, what's wrong?"
She sighed and finally looked him in the eyes.
"That was the other thing I wanted to talk to you about, Pete." She pushed herself up so she was sitting up a little straighter.
"You have to promise me - or at least try - he… You know I've never wanted him to fly, Pete. I don't want him in a plane. After Nick…I'm scared for him. Pete, please…keep him out of the air…"
He stared at her, blinking rapidly. Of course he knew how scared it made her, the idea of Bradley being in the air, but he'd always assumed she'd give in once Bradley was old enough to make that decision. He figured it was just a mom-thing, that normal fear mothers have of their children growing up to be in dangerous occupations. Bradley had been regaled with stories by Mav and Ice and by other aviators his entire life, and couldn't help but be bitten by the flying bug. He had been working hard to keep his grades up and participated in several extracurricular sports and clubs, and was supposed to do a campus tour that summer. Maverick thought the boy was a bit too cautious but surely he would gain the confidence he needed at the Academy…To take that away from him now…when he was already losing his mother…
"Carole, I don't…" Maverick began, and then trailed off. Her eyes burned, almost tearing a hole through him.
"Promise me, you promise me, Pete Mitchell," she pleaded, and the tears she had held back rolled down her cheeks.
He took a deep breath and blew the air hard out of his cheeks. This was going to be hard…but he'd do anything for Carole.
He took her hands in his again. "Okay, Carole," he finally said, his voice shaking. "Okay, I'll try, but he's going to be angry…"
She nodded. "Thank you. With all my heart, Pete, thank you. And yes, the boy does have my temper. But Pete…he'll be alright. You can tell him why; he'll understand eventually."
Maverick wasn't so sure about that, but he squeezed her hands in reply, trying to think of what to say.
"Carole…thank you…for everything. For forgiving me…" Carole made a huffing sound at that remark but let him continue.
"For letting me be involved with Bradley, I love him so much and I know I haven't done everything right but…" his Adam's apple bobbed as he felt the tears starting fresh once again. "I don't think I would have made it this far without you…without Bradley…in my life…I…I don't know if I ever could have moved past…damn it…" and he pushed the heel of his hand into his eye in a vain attempt to stop himself from crying; Carole's tears hadn't stopped since she'd made the request to keep her son out of a plane.
Maverick knew no words would be enough, so he took a deep breath, and said simply through his tears: "Thank you for being in my life, Carole. Thank you for STAYING in my life. I don't really know how to tell you how much you mean to me, what our friendship has meant to me… I am going to miss you. So much." And then he bowed his head, his shoulders and chest shaking, as she reached up and again cupped his cheek, again took a tissue and dabbed his tears.
"Pete, I want to thank YOU for stepping in to help me with Bradley. You didn't have to, but I so appreciate your time, and your love, and your friendship. I never stopped missing Nick, or loving him, but having you around made it easier to cope. And even more than that, you're our family. Don't ever forget that." Her hand still on his cheek, she gently turned his face so he was looking her in the eyes.
"Don't be so hard on yourself, okay? Forgive yourself. Promise me?"
He couldn't quite speak yet, but he gave her an earnest nod, desperately wishing he knew HOW to not be hard on himself.
With his assent to her requests, and their goodbyes said, Carole relaxed against the mound of pillows they'd put behind her to prop her up. The conversation and emotions had spent most of her remaining energy, but she wasn't ready to end her time with her dear friend. He had been sitting next to her with his back facing the foot board, and his sock-covered feet up by the headboard. She patted the space next to her on the bed.
"Pete…will you come sit next to me and just…hold me for a little while?" She asked, her voice already weakened. He swallowed against the lump in his throat but nodded, carefully turning so that his back was against the headboard. He took a pillow that wasn't being used and slid it behind his back. Carole waited until he was settled then laid her head on his chest. He arranged more pillows behind her and put his right arm around her slender shoulders, his left hand holding her right.
"I love you, Pete," she said softly, already drifting off to sleep.
He squeezed her shoulder. "I love you too, Carole."
Before long her breathing had slowed and evened out, and Maverick found himself checking her breathing every few minutes, to make sure she was truly asleep and not…
He rested his head against the headboard. That lump in his throat was still there, a constant reminder of his grief. His fingers slipped into his pocket, retrieving his cell phone, and, seeing no missed calls, set it on the bedside table. He started to doze off, but then fear snapped him back to wakefulness. The same fear that had kept him from sleeping well for weeks: 'what if she dies while I'm asleep? And I'm not here for her…?'
Eventually his exhaustion won out, however, and he was lulled to sleep by the sound of her even breathing.
Ice, Sarah, and the kids returned a few hours later, having seen a movie and gotten a quick dinner. Bradley had picked at his food but had watched the movie intensely, and Sarah chalked his lack of appetite more to eating too much popcorn at the movies than anything else.
Once they were in the door, Bradley went straight to his mother's room and put his ear to the door. Upon hearing silence, he started to panic - was she dead and no one had told him? But he breathed a loud sigh of relief when he opened the door and saw his mother and Maverick asleep together in the bed; he could see his mother's chest rising and falling. He went to her side of the bed and sat down next to her gingerly as Ice walked in the room - doing the same and checking on them.
Ice noticed the crumpled tissues scattered on the bedside tables, how Maverick's and Carole's eyes and cheeks seemed swollen even in sleep. 'I guess they had their talk,' Ice thought, and out loud he said,
"They're okay, Bradley. Why don't we leave them to rest?"
Normally Bradley would have complied with anything Ice asked him to do, but this time he shook his head.
"No…leaving the house for a while was fine but now that we're back…I don't want to leave her again unless I have to." And then, with an apologetic flick of his eyes in Ice's direction, Bradley added, "please. Sir."
Ice stared at the teen for a moment, then at the friends sound asleep in bed, blissfully unaware of their visitors. Ice suppressed a laugh at the thought of teasing Maverick for taking TWO naps that day: one could hardly blame him when he'd barely slept at all in weeks. If he was able to sleep soundly now, then Ice was satisfied that Maverick must have found at least a small amount of peace in his talk with Carole. He sighed and turned to Bradley.
"Alright…but don't wake them, ok? And come get us if you need us…" Ice said, and Bradley nodded earnestly.
"Yes, sir," Bradley replied as he sat in the recliner, and Ice noted the relocation reversal that had occurred from the earlier nap, with Bradley now in the recliner and Maverick in the bed.
Ice left the quiet bedroom and found his wife and daughter seated on the couch.
"What do we do now?" Felicity asked, looking between her parents. Sarah patted her daughter's leg before standing up.
"I am going to go say goodbye and then take you home, Happiness."
Felicity stood as well, and followed her mother into the bedroom timidly.
Bradley was still awake, but lost in his thoughts, staring out the window. Maverick was still asleep, his head slumped back onto a pillow. But Carole…Sarah saw that Carole was waking up, probably from everyone coming in and out of her room.
Sarah sat next to Carole on the bed and helped her extricate herself from where Maverick's arm held her close without waking him, and then helped her get settled back against the pillows.
Carole gave Sarah a warm smile, which Sarah returned. The two women held hands for a moment before Carole whispered:
"Sarah, you'll help Tom look after my boys, won't you?"
Across the room, her son squeezed his eyes shut against the ache in his chest.
Sarah nodded, tears in her eyes. "Yes, of course, Carole. Bradley is always welcome at our home. And Maverick too, of course," she said the last line with a small smile, and Carole would have laughed if she'd had the energy.
Carole squeezed her friend's hand again. "Thank you, Sarah," she said simply, and Sarah understood the weight of the words that didn't need to be said.
Sarah's tears now escaped as she leaned forward and hugged Carole, who weakly returned the embrace.
"I love you, Carole. They'll be well taken care of. Don't worry about a thing."
Carole wanted to respond with 'easier said than done' but instead nodded.
After a light peck on the other woman's cheek, Sarah stood and turned to her daughter, who gave Carole a quick hug, and a swift goodbye to Bradley, before leaving the bedroom.
Carole turned to her son.
"Bradley, honey," she called weakly, and he was up and at her side in an instant.
"Yeah, Mom?"
"Honey, I know I've been kicking you out a lot, but could you please go get Tom for me, and give us just a few minutes alone?" Bradley frowned, and she repeated, "Please. Then after that it's your turn, I promise."
It took him a moment, but he finally said, "okay, Mom," and went to retrieve Ice, who had been idly pacing the living room after seeing his wife and daughter out.
"Admiral, sir," Bradley said, startling Ice out of his reverie. "Mom said she wants to talk to you."
He raised his eyebrows, then smiled at the young man.
"Bradley, you're not in the Navy yet, you don't have to call me 'Admiral' or 'sir.'"
Bradley swallowed, abashed. "I know, it just seems weird to call you Tom or Iceman now."
Ice stepped closer, and said, "that's Mr. Iceman to you," and then grinned at the boy, who had heard that story before but now might have forgotten in the midst of the sorrow around him. He then patted the boy on the shoulder, as he slipped into the bedroom and Bradley stood by a window in the living room, watching the last of the sunset on the horizon.
Ice knew from Sarah that Carole was awake, but he hadn't realized how much weaker she'd gotten in just a few hours. He wondered when the nurse would be back… 'can't be long now' he thought miserably.
He went to her bedside and was about to just squat down next to her, or grab a chair, but she indicated for him to sit next to her on the bed, where his wife had sat a few minutes before. He glanced at Maverick, who was still snoozing peacefully, his head thrown back and to the side, snoring lightly. Ice debated between waking him up just to keep him from having a crick in his neck and leaving him alone to get the sleep he so desperately needed.
Carole patted his hand, bringing him back to the present.
"Tom," she said, her strength fading by the minute. "I just need to say a few things…"
His eyes flicked toward Maverick again but Carole made a gesture with her hand.
"Don't worry about him, and I don't care if he overhears this anyway," she said with a smirk. She needed to talk to Tom ABOUT Maverick, so if he happened to wake up she didn't care. Bradley on the other hand…
Ice took her hand in his, the way his wife had. "What can I do for you, Carole? Anything you need, I'm here," he said seriously.
She sighed and said, "Tom…I've asked Maverick to do me a huge favor, and I know he's going to need your help, or at least your support when the deed is done." He opened his mouth to speak and she squeezed his hand to stop him. "Now, to keep you from being implicated in the task, I'll let Pete tell you what it was I asked him to do…"
"Implicated?" Ice asked lightly, eyebrows raised, a small wolfish smile appearing on his face.
She chuckled as heartily as she could. "Implicated. It's no small task…but he's going to need you to lean on when it's over…" her voice trailed off and her gaze turned serious, and although she couldn't quite see out the window in its entirety, what she could see was the deep orange and pinks of what was yet another beautiful California sunset.
She looked back at Ice, her eyes shining with tears yet again, and she squeezed his hand as he folded her hand in both of his.
"Tom," she said as a single tear rolled down her cheek. "I know you'll be there for them…I know Pete will make sure Bradley is okay, but…" she stopped, having to swallow against the lump in her throat.
"You want me to make doubly sure they're okay?" Ice guessed, and she nodded.
"I know Bradley will try to bury his feelings and push it all down, please help him SHARE and TALK, help him cope…I know you'll be there but…he was so young when we lost Nick, and I've always worried that he never really processed losing his dad, and now…" she sighed again, a tear rolling down her cheek, not sure if she could really convey her concern for her son after she was gone.
Then she looked over at Maverick, then back at Ice.
"And especially keep an eye on this one…" she said, indicating Maverick with her head. "Help Pete not to run away, keep an eye on him, don't…" another tear escaped down her cheek; "Tom, please keep him from doing what he's done the last few months: help him let go. Don't let him be alone, he…" Another tear, and another. She was scared for her son, and worried for her dear friend.
Ice could see how agitated she was getting, and how it was sapping her already limited strength. He scooted closer to her, gently placing his hands on her shoulders as his own tears gathered in his eyes.
"Carole, don't worry. Sarah and I will make sure they're not alone. You can trust me on that." He looked over at Mav again, who was finally beginning to stir and awaken. Ice had never had any intention of allowing Maverick to grieve alone in the first place, but having the request from Carole was an extra assurance that it would be needed.
Ice pulled Carole to him for a hug, and she hugged him back with all the strength she could muster, and she felt the wetness of his tears on her cheek.
"Thank you, Tom," Carole whispered. "For everything…the years of friendship…the stories…helping us keep Nick's memory alive. For…for keeping him," again indicating Maverick with her head. "Keeping him in the Navy. As mixed as my feelings are about the Navy, it's what Pete's needed. So I hope you'll continue to keep him out of trouble, Tom." She had a soft smile on her lips in spite of her tears.
Ice snorted as he wiped his eyes with his hand. "Now THAT'S a tall order, Carole…But I'll do my best. He can be a little shit sometimes," he said with a grin on his face and purely to try and make Carole laugh, which he did. Then his tone turned serious.
"As much as he needs the Navy, the Navy needs him too."
She squeezed his hands and he squeezed back, the shared understanding hanging between them. Carole sighed and said,
"I have one more thing to ask of you" and then she whispered one last request into his ear.
He listened and then nodded, his cheek still pressed to hers. "I'm going to miss you, Carole. Say hello to Goose for us, won't you?" And as his voice broke he planted a kiss there on her cheek where he'd left a trail of tears.
The first thing Maverick noticed when he woke up was the crick in his neck and stiffness in his lower back, so he tried to stretch before he opened his eyes.
Why am I sleeping like this? He wondered. Then his brain snapped to full wakefulness and he remembered where he was. He turned his head toward Carole, panicked that she had died while he slept… and saw her and Ice releasing each other from an embrace, tears on both of their faces. Carole glanced over at Maverick and saw him awake, and smiled at him, as Ice reached over to get a few more tissues out of the box.
Carole smiled up at Maverick weakly. "Hello, sleepyhead," she said softly, her hand groping along the covers looking for his. He reached out with his hand and took it instantly, concern dancing across his features. He saw what Ice had seen: Carole already seemed weaker than she had just an hour before, and the burning intensity in her eyes was lessened. Maverick met Ice's eyes and the two shared a knowing look.
Ice patted Carole's other hand, saying, "how about we let Bradley back in now?" And went to get the teen, who returned to the room quickly and immediately went to sit with her. Maverick quietly scooted off the other side of the bed and went to join Ice in the kitchen, who was busying himself by making a pot of coffee.
Maverick leaned back against one of the counters, his arms folded and back slumped. He squeezed his eyes shut for a few minutes, then noticed how silent it was in the kitchen. He opened his eyes and saw Ice in a similar posture next to him, pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger.
The two friends made eye contact and each read the sorrow and helplessness in the other's eyes. Wordlessly, Ice poured Maverick a cup of coffee as the doorbell rang and Mav went to answer it: the nurse had arrived to attend to Carole. She gave them both a nod as she went in to check on her, and the pair drank coffee in silence in the kitchen, unsure of what to say while they waited for news.
The nurse came back a short while later and came to speak to Maverick and Ice. Her eyes were full of compassion as she looked at both of them.
"It won't be long now. Her temperature is down and her breathing is more erratic than it was this morning. If it's alright with you, at this point I would rather stay here during this part of the process, to ensure her suffering is at a minimum." Both men nodded, and Maverick put his face in his hands as Ice choked out a question.
"Does her son know?"
The nurse nodded; "Yes, I just told him. Admiral, Commander, if either of you need anything, I'll be out here." They both gave their muted thanks, and Maverick wandered to the large windows in the living room as Ice offered the nurse a cup of coffee before joining Mav at the window.
There wasn't much to look at now that the sun had set, just the streetlights of the neighborhood and a few scattered stars glistening in the dusky sky. Maverick gripped the windowsill, trying to steady himself, feeling his insides clench. Ice put a firm arm around his friend's shoulder and simply stood in silence with him for a while, and after a few more minutes said:
"Come on, Mav," as he guided his friend back into Carole's bedroom.
Bradley had taken over the place on the bed where Maverick had slept, lying next to his mother, and he raised his head as the two men entered. Ice stood near the foot of the bed as Maverick sat next to Carole, who had fallen back to sleep.
Carole appeared to be sleeping, but she could have simply been unconscious, it was hard to tell. She certainly looked sapped of strength, and her breathing was getting more labored.
Bradley adjusted himself so he was sitting up more and put an arm around his mother's frail shoulders. He looked at Maverick, his eyes red and swollen.
"I was talking to Mom, just telling her I'm going to miss her, and Mom was talking with me, and telling me not to be scared, and said she loved me, and then she just fell asleep in the middle of talking, she just faded out…then the…the nurse came in…and said it won't be long…and she may not wake up again…." Fat tears rolled down the boy's cheeks as he tried to pull his mother closer to himself without hurting her.
"I thought I'd have more time," he cried, looking back and forth between Ice and Maverick. "I mean I've been telling her I love her, all the time, but…" and he glanced down at Carole, the look on his face breaking both men's hearts.
"She seemed ok this morning!" he cried.
Maverick reached across Carole's body and patted Bradley on the leg as Ice spoke:
"She knows you love her, son. It's alright."
Bradley nodded but kept clinging to his mother, her breathing still ragged and uneven. Ice decided to settle in the recliner, but he sat on the edge instead of kicking it back.
They didn't say much to each other, but Bradley and sometimes Maverick would whisper things to Carole, remembering that the nurse had said hearing and touch seemed to be the last things to go. Maverick sat on the bed, holding her hand, while Bradley still held his mother on her other side, his back against the headboard.
Carole's ragged breathing now sounded even more labored. But after an hour of this state she seemed to get agitated, and the hand Maverick wasn't holding was plucking and picking at the blanket, her head twisting around, but her eyes still closed. Ice discretely got up to go get the nurse while Mav and Bradley spoke soothingly to her.
"Mom? Mom it's ok, we're here…"
"Carole, we've got you, you're okay…"
Ice and the nurse walked back into the room, but just as they approached the bed, Carole "looked" towards the window, and a smile crept over her face. Everyone watched, mystified, as she started talking to someone none of them could see.
"Nick?" She breathed, her voice barely above a whisper. "Is it really you?"
Maverick froze and Bradley sat up as straight as he could without disturbing Carole. The nurse simply waited, and Ice felt his breath hitch in his throat.
"Oh, Nick," Carole said, almost sweetly, "I've missed you so much." A pause, and then, "yes, that's our son, that's our Bradley."
Bradley covered his mouth with his hand, sobbing taking over as he listened to his mother have a conversation - real or not - with his father.
Another pause; and then, "I know, hasn't he gotten so big? What? Yes, honey, it's Maverick and Ice. I knew you'd been looking out for us…"
"Goose…?" Maverick whispered, also beginning to dissolve into helpless sobs, as Ice stepped behind his friend and put his hands on the other man's shaking shoulders.
"Oh, honey, you'd be so proud of our boy…oh well of course you've seen him, haven't you? He's the best second baseman on the team…what?…well alright honey, I'll see you soon, then…I love you too, Goose," Carole sighed deeply and Maverick squeezed her hand tighter as he broke down even harder, reaching out for a sobbing Bradley with his other hand. Even Ice had tears running down his cheeks again, and the three men wept as Carole again settled down. The nurse took that opportunity to step around Maverick and check Carole's pulse and respiration; this recent burst of activity was likely the very last of her energy reserves.
She stepped out of the room again, but this time leaving the bedroom door open as she sat in a kitchen chair near the door. Even from out there she could hear the increasingly labored breathing; Carole was no longer able to take deep breaths, just short, sharp inhales and exhales. She had faded back to that unconscious state quickly after "seeing" Goose, but her son and friends continued to hold her hands and speak softly to her.
"Mom…I love you…remember that trip we took to Yosemite? That was one of my favorite trips we ever took…."
"Carole, it's Pete…it's okay…we'll take care of Bradley, I promise…"
Her breathing would be rapid, shallow breaths….then she would stop breathing altogether, and Maverick would adjust his grip on her hand to feel her weak pulse throb in her wrist. Then a deeper, rattling breath…this continued for an hour or two, and the nurse would come in every twenty minutes or so, check on her (more for the benefit of the family; she could hear Carole's breathing from where she sat), and kept reassuring them that she wasn't in any pain, that this was a normal part of the process.
Maverick had been through this before with his mother but she hadn't lingered like this, and he'd only been a boy without a full understanding of what was happening at the time. He wiped at his eyes with his sleeve as Ice stepped around him to pluck several tissues out of the box beside the bed and hand one to Mav and several to Bradley.
The periods of stopped breathing got longer and longer, and the men could hear a rattling noise in the back of her throat. Bradley changed his position in the bed so he was lying next to her, his forehead pressed to her head, his arm around her, still whispering to her through his tears.
"Goodbye, Mom…I love you…"
Maverick leaned his forehead against her as well. "Carole…I love you…we're going to miss you…tell Goose I love him too…"
Ice had gone between standing behind Maverick with his hands on the other man's shoulders, to leaning against the windowsill and watching, to sitting in the armchair in the corner, and was now next to Maverick again. He watched as Carole exhaled a long breath, and her face took on the most peaceful look he'd ever seen, and any tension that had been left in her muscles escaped.
She did not inhale again. She was gone.
Bradley lifted his head from where he laid beside her, waiting for the next breath that never came. Maverick checked her pulse: nothing. Ice went to get the nurse, who came in and verified that Carole had indeed passed. She offered her soft condolences and said she would go call hospice and then the funeral home transport for them, and quietly exited the room, this time closing the door behind her.
Bradley hugged his mother even tighter, weeping into her shoulder, shaking violently as he cried. Maverick continued holding one of Carole's hands in his as he reached over with the other hand to rub Bradley's back, his own tears running unchecked as he glanced over at Ice.
Ice pulled out his cell phone and went into the corner to quietly call his wife. It was now approaching midnight but he knew she'd answer, and she confirmed that she would be back over there as soon as possible. He walked back to the bedside, observing Carole's face which was still holding that peaceful expression. Ice placed a comforting hand on Maverick's back. He had been preparing himself for this: not just Carole's death but preparing for the aftermath as well. He'd already decided that Bradley and Mav would come stay with him and Sarah and Felicity for a few days until things could get sorted out; he wanted them under an extra close eye.
He thought about Carole's last request to him, the one she'd whispered in his ear just before Maverick had woken up. His hand moved to the base of Maverick's neck and he squeezed there lightly, reassuringly.
A few minutes went by, and they heard the front door open and shut. Sarah came into the bedroom then, dropping her purse in the corner, then sinking into her husband's arms before turning to Maverick and Bradley. She placed a light kiss on Carole's forehead, then put a hand on Maverick's shoulder. He had still been leaning over comforting Bradley, but at Sarah's light touch he stood and she pulled him into a tight hug.
"Oh, Mav, I'm so sorry," she soothed, and he nodded against her hair, trying to stifle the tears that wouldn't stop coming. He pulled back from her, mouthing 'thank you' as Ice took his turn, pulling Maverick into his arms as Sarah turned her attention to Bradley, still lying on the bed holding his mother and weeping. She leaned across Carole's limp form, putting her hand on Bradley's shoulder and then gently touching his cheek.
"Oh honey, oh Bradley, I'm so sorry…" she said sorrowfully. Bradley lifted his head and looked into Sarah's eyes.
"She's gone…Sarah, my mom is gone… I'm all alone…" he cried, as she kept rubbing his shoulder.
"No, Bradley, you're not alone, you have us, I promise," she whispered to him, as Maverick's weeping started afresh in the corner where he stood with Ice's arm wrapped securely around his shoulders.
Before long the nurse slowly opened the door and let the group know that the funeral home had arrived to collect Carole's body. Ice steered Maverick out of the room, and Bradley gave his mother one last kiss before allowing Sarah to guide him out into the living room with the others.
Then it was Mav's turn to pull Bradley into his arms, although the teen was already several inches taller than his adopted uncle, but Bradley rested his head on Maverick's shoulder, still crying piteously. Maverick held the boy as tightly as he could, trying his best to keep Bradley's back to the sight of the loaded gurney being wheeled out of the hallway to the waiting hearse. He pulled Bradley down to the couch, sitting down next to him, and Sarah sat down on the other side as Ice went to speak to the funeral home transporters and the hospice nurse.
Bradley stared at his feet, his arms wrapped around his middle. His stomach hurt. His chest and head hurt too. He couldn't think, couldn't speak, couldn't move. He looked over at Sarah and then laid down with his head in her lap. Maverick wasn't quite able to speak either but he laid a hand on the young man's back as Sarah stroked Bradley's arm.
All three looked up at Ice as he re-entered the living room, and all three tear-stained faces looked up at him expectantly, waiting for the Admiral to give orders on what to do next.
Ice sighed, and then did just that.
"Okay, everyone. There's nothing more for us to do until tomorrow. You two," he said pointing at Maverick and Bradley, "are coming to our house tonight."
Bradley was too exhausted and too upset to argue, and he nodded slowly against Sarah's knees. Maverick was staring off into space.
Sarah caught Tom's eye and then leaned down to speak to Bradley.
"Bradley, honey, let's go pack up a few things, ok? Just a change of clothes and such…come on…"
Bradley obediently removed himself from her lap and allowed her to guide him to his room to throw a few things into a backpack. Maverick had his own small bag with a few things in it that he'd been living out of the last few weeks, just washing his clothes every few days - or not caring, as was the case for the last day or so. As if on autopilot, Maverick also stood and retrieved his few items - toothbrush and a razor - and returned to his spot on the couch, his bag at his feet.
Ice sat down next to his friend and put an arm around Mav's shoulders. Maverick's eyes were red, but dry now, and he kept staring off into space, until a minute or two had gone by and Ice said softly,
"Penny for your thoughts?"
And Maverick turned his head slightly towards his friend, and said in a strained whisper, "Do you think she was really talking to Goose?"
Ice thought about it for a minute. "You know, I'm not sure. But…either way…it brought her some comfort, yeah?"
Maverick nodded, his mouth working as though he were trying to keep from crying again. He was still barely able to speak as Sarah and Bradley came out of the hallway. Sarah went and gathered a few other things from around the house, and then they headed to the Kazansky household, Maverick on his motorcycle, Ice in his Mercedes, Sarah and Bradley in her Volvo.
Maverick wanted nothing more than to just ride his motorcycle until the sun came up, until he couldn't ride anymore; to ride until the road gave out, but he was far too exhausted as it was. Ice must have had a suspicion because he made Maverick ride in the middle between him and Sarah on the short drive to their house.
Sarah offered everyone something to eat or drink but Ice took one look at Maverick and, seeing him ready to collapse, promptly (and quietly, so as not to wake Felicity) led him upstairs to the guest bedroom. Bradley they set up in their son Daniel's room, as Daniel had moved away from home several years prior. Sarah was loath to leave Bradley alone but the teen insisted that he just wanted to sleep, so with more hugs and reassurances they left him alone to change clothes and go to bed. Instead, Bradley hugged the pillow close to him - a pillow he had brought from his mother's bed - and, inhaling its scent, cried himself to sleep.
In the morning, Maverick was still up early in spite of his exhaustion - a habit from twentyish years in the Navy - and found Ice already awake and in uniform, which made Maverick realize he didn't even have a uniform with him, they were all in the quarters he'd been assigned on base. And, he was still in the wrinkled T-shirt and jeans he's been wearing for the last two days. So, he gave Ice a sheepish look as he poured himself a cup of coffee.
"Good morning, Admiral," he said quietly, his voice still hoarse from crying and lack of sleep. Ice raised an eyebrow at him.
"And why, Commander Mitchell, are you awake?" Ice asked lightly, putting down his newspaper.
Maverick sat down at the table with his friend, staring into the reflections in the mug of coffee as he thought of a good answer. He couldn't think of one, and shrugged at the Admiral as he sipped his coffee.
Ice studied his friend's face and posture. He could see that Maverick was trying to make it appear that he was fine, or even aloof. Iceman knew better but he decided not to press the point, so instead he watched Maverick stare into space, his thoughts undoubtedly on Carole and Bradley. There was a lot to do today, calls that needed to be made to family members, arrangements to be done. And Iceman had to go to his office on base for the whole day. The first thing on his agenda would be extending Maverick's leave for at least a few weeks… he wasn't in the headspace to fly and plus, Bradley needed him.
Ice realized that he was also not in a great headspace but duty called, and while Maverick was first on his agenda he was far from the only thing Ice needed to deal with.
Maverick ended up being the one to break the silence by asking Ice if he slept well, but he said it in a tone that was TOO polite, and Maverick and Ice had been friends long enough that small talk wasn't really part of their language anymore.
"The sleep I got was surprisingly fine, I guess," Ice said, still studying his friend intently as Maverick made every effort to NOT make eye contact.
"Pete…do you need to talk?" Ice asked gently, and Maverick sighed, going from leaning forward on the table to leaning back in his chair, his head dropped back so he was looking at the ceiling.
"I…I'm just thinking about Carole…and what we talked about yesterday…God, was it just yesterday?" He covered his face with his hands as Ice continued to wait patiently for his friend to speak.
"Sorry…anyway, what we talked about when you guys took Bradley out for a few hours…but…I think I need some time to think about what she said…what she asked me to do…" He finally glanced over at Ice, but looked away quickly; he could feel that notorious Iceman stare bore holes in the facade he'd put up.
Maverick sighed. "Okay, okay. You win."
Ice shrugged. "I didn't say anything, Mitchell."
Mav gave him a look. "You didn't have to. I know what that look means." He stared at the tabletop, his hands fiddling in his lap, then glanced in the direction of the hallway, to make sure he didn't hear Bradley up and moving about.
"Carole asked me…" he began in a low tone, but he had to take a deep breath, the memory of their conversation still fresh and raw. "She asked me, made me PROMISE, to…pull Bradley's application to the Naval Academy."
Iceman had come by his callsign honestly, but even that statement made his jaw drop and his brow furrow.
"It's no secret that she is…was…scared for him. Doesn't want him to fly after what happened to Goose…I guess I thought she'd eventually get over it but…" Maverick continued, glancing over at Ice again.
Ice thought about that for a minute and nodded again, slowly. "I was already thinking of getting him deferred for a year since this is coming so close to when he supposed to go tour the academy in a few months…maybe that will be enough to get him interested in something else?" And then you won't have to take on this burden, Ice thought to himself.
Maverick considered that but he wasn't so sure. His finger traced the rim of the coffee mug as he retreated back into his thoughts, and Ice left him alone for a few more minutes. He folded up the newspaper, put his cup in the sink, and checked his briefcase.
"Mav, do you want to come to the office with me? You're still on leave but…"
Maverick briefly considered going to base with Ice but shook his head at his friend and decided he would stay here and make phone calls to Carole's extended family, her parents having passed several years prior. Goose's mother knew Carole was very ill, but she was in Florida and unable to make the trip out to see Carole before she passed, although Maverick knew they'd spoken on the phone regularly.
Ice nodded. "Okay, Mav. And listen…let's wait until after the funeral and things have settled down before we worry about the other thing, ok?"
Maverick gave his friend another nod, and then a grateful half-smile as Ice patted him on the shoulder and headed out the door.
The rest of the household slowly awakened, with Sarah being the next one awake, then Felicity, and finally Bradley. He rebuffed any offers of food; eating seemed so unimportant right now. He sat at the table with Maverick, his shoulders hunched. Sarah sat down with them and Felicity made herself scarce, taking her bowl of cereal to another room.
Sarah leaned over and gently placed her hand on Bradley's arm. He looked up at her, his eyes wide and wet, and she sighed.
"Bradley, sweetie, we're going to take care of making these calls and arranging things ok?"
He frowned a little before responding. "I mean…if I can…there's a few people I'd like to call myself, like Gram and some others. And…I have some thoughts on things for her service, but I don't know what funeral home I'm supposed to call, or how it's supposed to get paid for…and…"
Fat tears started down his cheeks; it was all so overwhelming. He was an orphan at just barely eighteen years old and while these should all be things he needed to take care of, he had no idea where to start.
Sarah was patting his arm as Maverick leaned over and put a hand on Bradley's other arm.
"Bradley, we can take care of all of that, one of us will call the insurance company, we'll call the funeral home that was chosen…those are all things we can help you with. And you just let us know who needs to be called," Sarah said gently.
"And your mom actually left us a folder with all the funeral and insurance information in it."
Bradley lifted his head and looked at Sarah, then Maverick, and back again.
"She did?"
Sarah nodded. "She gave it to Maverick about a month ago, and he gave it to us for safe keeping."
Bradley looked at the tabletop. He wanted to ask why she hadn't given it to himbut he didn't have the energy. He wanted to ask Maverick what Mav's last conversation with Carole had been, why she'd made Bradley leave…
Everyone operated on autopilot for the rest of the day, even the Admiral, who found himself quite unable to focus after several meetings and after he had taken care of the matter of extending Maverick's leave and sticking the word "bereavement" on the note in the system. He toyed with the idea of deferring Bradley as well but thought the better of it for the time being.
He put his desk phone on mute and stared out the window of his office for a few minutes. He assumed his thoughts would naturally drift towards Bradley or Carole but found he couldn't keep his mind off Maverick.
He remembered when they completed the mission to rescue the SS Layton, when the high of victory had worn off and he'd found Maverick shivering in a supply closet on the Enterprise, a side effect of the trauma from the training exercise, from almost being shot down, the jet wash AGAIN…forcing Maverick to just at least lie down for once…
When they had become instructors at TopGun and the trauma arose there too, violently, and Ice made Maverick TALK to him, made him at least start processing it all before he tried to hurt himself again…
When Maverick had come back with Ice and the others from Kuwait and looked like a ghost for a week or so, barely eating or speaking… same thing when he'd returned from Bosnia…
Ice sighed. He'd been to Kuwait as well, fought in the same battle, but he'd had a pregnant wife to come back to…and death felt different when it happened to someone close. He wasn't going to let either Maverick or Bradley be alone, not for a while yet.
Note: If you liked this story I would encourage you to read my other Top Gun fic entitled "Unthinkable." Is IS rated M, mainly for chapter 3, but it expands on missing scenes from (so far) the original movie. I'd love feedback on that one as well. More chapters of this are coming as well...stay tuned...