Loving Suki was different too. She was a proper partner, someone he knew he could rely on. She could hold her own in wits, in battle. She didn't need him to be an alpha. She just needed him to be Sokka.
That was a good thing… right?
Rose between his teeth he took a deep breath. He was about to find out.
Lying on his stomach he heard the tent flap open. Dailing all his charm up to eleven he bat his eyelashes. "Well, hello-"
But it wasn't Suki.
"Uh, Zuko?"
Somber, quiet and head bowed, Zuko listened to the story unfolding, listening to what made Sokka… Sokka.
Then the detail, the thing he needed to put this right, or as right as he could.
"Sea Ravens."
"The symbol of the southern raiders," Zuko nodded, going to leave. "Thanks, Sokka."
"No problem!" Sokka was almost too chipper, pushing him out of the tent. "Thanks for stopping by!"
Just outside Zuko crossed his arms over his chest, hating the weight there. Taking a moment to gather himself he let out a soft breath.
He'd hardly made it more than a few inches when he heard the flap of the tent.
Turning back he found Sokka's head, framed by the tarp, grinning excitedly. "Suki!" his whisper died as he saw Zuko.
His glittering grin melted into something more sheepish and he vanished inside the tent.
"Oh," Zuko mumbled.
He shouldn't be surprised, not really. It made sense. Sokka had a girlfriend now, a proper girlfriend. And now that they were away from adults prying eyes, as alone as they could ever hope to be.
Still. It didn't help.
Slinking further away Zuko placed his back firmly toward Sokka's tent. He didn't want a repeat of seeing Suki sneaking around the giant rocks.
He walked slowly, arms still pressed around him, his own form of armor.
"Stop," he ordered himself quietly. "You have no right to… to, he's not yours."
It was words he'd repeat to himself over and over, the moment he'd watched Sokka's face light up upon seeing Suki.
He'd never seen Sokka so overjoyed.
"Why would I?" Zuko picked a flatter rock, just under knee highest, and sank down.
He could feel anger welling like a lava pit in his gut, tugging instantly. h would pay it any attention.
Zuko was done being mad.
Lying on his back, the cool of the stone creeping into his skin.
He lifted his hands and pressed the base of his palms into his eyes. The burst of patterns across his vision weren't the usual confusing rainbow of colors unknown.
It was just blue.
Sighing loudly, Zuko breathed out a large vent of black smoke. Not exactly his uncle's dragon breath. But he'd thought he'd seen sparks.
Maybe they were just the stars filtering through.
"Uncle," he muttered. "I need you. I need you to tell me what to think."
He hadn't appreciated the words when he'd had them.
It just made him miss his uncle more.
"I've made peace with it, or at least I thought I had. He'd got someone else. He can't know who I am. That's how it is. I can't change that."
That part was a lie.
"I mean," Zuko hesitated, removing his hands to blink up at the now blurry sky. "I did try and tell him earlier. But I wasn't going to tell him I am, was Blue, only about how I feel. And he had his girlfriend. It wouldn't have been a big deal."
But wouldn't it have been?
"What did I even want out of that conversation?" he mumbled.
Sokka's insistence on the word 'friend' had left Zuko feeling… cracked. Like Sokka had ever so carefully sliced a piece out of his insides. It left him painfully hollow.
"There were only two options. To have him be guarded and awkward around me forever or outright rejection," Zuko reminded himself. He needed self-convincing, to prove to himself that it shouldn't have happened.
A chittering to his left had him turning.
Their face just cresting the rock Momo looked up at. The sounds he made almost sounded like admonishment.
"You're up late too" he argued.
Momo shrieked again.
"Shh," Zuko snatched up the tiny lemur, no idea how to keep it quiet.
Staring up at him with glassy eyes, Momo waited.
Zuko frowned glaring at it. "What?" he muttered. "What do you want from me anyway? I'm doing my best. I'm helping the av- Aang learn firebending. I'm a traitor of the word caliber. And I'm still helping Katara. What more does he need me to be?"
The last question robbed him of his voice.
Oh.
"He doesn't need me to be anything else. He just doesn't want me ," the realization felt familiar like it was something he should have known. But putting it into words only drove home the pain he'd been trying to bury.
Zuko set momo on the ground, leaning over with his face buried in his hands.
"But he's happy. He's happy with her. And that's good enough. It has to be good enough. And as long as he's happy, I'm the part of the equation that doesn't matter."
The knowledge settled into his veins icy cold.
It was still painful.
"I'll get over it. I've just got to ignore it," Zuko rubbed his forehead. "And… I'm talking to a lemur who doesn't understand me anyway."
Momo chittered up at him, blinking absently.
Sat in his tent Sokka tried to take a deep breath, get himself back on track. She'd be there any minute and the last thing he wanted to do was disappoint- "Suki!" Sokka grinned up at her as she snuck inside his tent.
Closing the flap behind her she smiled a sultry smile. "Hey, there handsome," she winked.
A weak squeaking giggle escaped his throat.
Crawling forward Suki slid her around his shoulders, pulling him into a long soft kiss.
Sokka liked kissing Suki, in fact, he'd say he loved it. Pressing himself against her he nearly lifted her by her waist. Gien just enough leverage she wrapped her legs around him.
He tried to lose himself, close his eyes.
Sokka couldn't hear his thoughts, not over the thudding in his ears.
What was going on? Why was he freaking out? Was it supposed to feel like this?
"Sokka?" Suki's soft whisper sounded next to his ear.
Goosebumps erupted down his spine. Leaning back, he gasped for air. How long had he been holding it?
"Sokka, are you okay?"
"I, I, um," he couldn't speak. Everything was stuck in his throat. "I think, yeah, I'm fine."
Suki pulled back, hand under his chin. Still sat on his lap she examined his glazed eyes a long moment. "What happened?"
"What do you mean what happened?" he rubbed the back of his next, frayed nerves grating down further.
"Nothing happened," he didn't notice he was squirming out of her hold until he'd dropped Suki onto his sleeping mat.
Gaze boring into him with an intensity only she had Sokka swallowed. "You can't lie to me, Sokka," she held her hand out to him. "But that doesn't mean I can read your mind. What's going on with you?"
Sokka dropped his face into his hands. "I'm sorry."
Smiling a little she pulled closer, sitting beside rather than atop him. "You don't have to be sorry. Just talk to me."
Sokka let out a long sigh, shoulders hunching forward. He had no idea where to start, what to say.
"If you're not ready..." Suki began slowly, trying to lead him on.
"It's not that," Sokka felt his gut churn. "Trust me, it's not that I'm not-"
"Sokka," Suki kissed his hand, the one she still clung to. "It's your first time. It's totally understandable that you're nervous. I am too. We can go as slow as you want."
Cheeks flooding with color Sokka hid his face. "But, it's not."
"What?"
"It's not my first time."
Suki didn't even need a full second to process. "You think that matters to me? Sokka. You're an alpha. Higher sex drives are entirely normal. I'm not insulted. It doesn't make me feel any less special if that's what you're worried about."
Sokka gnawed on his lip, still turned away from her. It should have been. Shouldn't it? He was so concerned she'd overreact he hadn't told her. "I lied to you," he whispered, thinking he'd found the source of what he had to assume was guilt.
"Lied to me?"
"At the serpent's pass. I told you, that omega I'd met in the earth kingdom. I told you we hadn't-"
Suki placed a hand on his cheek. "Sokka. I'm not mad."
She was so understanding, so trusting, so ready to forgive. How did he deserve her? She was so far out of his league.
And yet.
Turning back with a weak smile he tried to recover himself. "You said something being okay with taking it slow?"
"As slow as you want," she promised, making a quick cross over her chest.
"Can we just spend the night together first?" Sokka hated asking. He was supposed to be an alpha, supposed to take charge. He was supposed to be more.
Suki leaned forward, cutting off his train of thought.
"You don't have to justify anything to me," Suki laid down, pulling up the neckline of her shirt.
Sat back from her Sokka could see what she was wearing now. She'd changed from her prisoner's uniform, into something borrowed from Katara probably. Comfortable, a more plunging neckline.
She'd been ready to spend more than the night with him. The realization did little to assuage his guilt.
"Suki?" He laid down next to her, quieter now, not sure exactly what he wanted to say, but knowing that something needed to be said.
"Hm?" she smiled, head supported on her arm.
"How are you so good with all of this?" The question blurted from him before he could stop himself.
Hiding a giggle Suki kissed his cheek. "Really? That's what you're going with for pillow talk?"
"I-" Sokka squeaked in protest.
"I'm teasing you," Suki said.
"Oh," Sokka could feel his cheeks flushing ever darker.
Shifting to lie on her back Suki put both arms behind her head. "I don't know. I guess it's because getting angry or jealous just doesn't seem worth it to me?"
Sokka nodded slowly.
"It's how I was taught to be. I'm a warrior. If I can keep my head level in times of battle of high stress then keeping my head in everyday life becomes easier. And people's bodies and emotions aren't something we can control. We can only be patient and loving with them, especially when you love them in return."
Sokka's blush got even deeper down his neck. "You love me?"
"Of course I do," Suki turned back over to face him. "I love you, Sokka."
Opening his mouth to answer Sokka saved himself a response by leaning into yet another kiss.
He loved Suki. Of course, he loved Suki. What else could this feeling be?
He'd compared his feelings to Yue and familial love and, and... Blue.
Blue.
If what he felt for Suki was love then what was what still lurked underneath his ribcage for him?
Lips still pressed to Suki's he pulled her in, mind spinning on a memory.
He was kissing Suki. But he didn't feel her.
Drawing back once more he dropped his forehead to her chest.
"Sokka?"
"I love you," he said finally.
Arms around him Suki kissed the top of his head. "Why do you sound so sad about it?" There was something of a laugh on the edge of her words, though it was overpowered by the tight fear eating away at her.
"Because I think I'm still in love with someone else."
There was no point in lying to her.
She knew when he was lying. And truthfully she was the only one who would listen. No one knew about Blue. Only Suki and his father. And his father wasn't here now. He had to get this off his chest, had to tell someone.
"What?"
"The guy I spent my rut with," his whisper grew ever more quiet.
Sokka knew people. He knew Suki. He knew he was pushing the limits of her forgiveness.
Running her fingers through his loose hair Suki gathered herself. She cleared her throat, pulling him close. "Tell me about him."
It was his turn to be surprised. Before, when he'd mentioned his- the omega, she'd said he didn't matter, that she didn't want to know, but now- "Why do you want to know?"
"Because you said you think you love him. Talking about feelings is better than keeping them. And I want to know how you feel."
Sokka looked up her, searching for a lie in her face. "Why?"
Her smile was even softer. "I'm not an omega Sokka. It's not in me to be that kind of nurturing. I was raised to be a warrior. I'm also not here to be some kind of bandage for your broken bits. I want to be a team, for us to be equal partners. And that means seeing the ugly side sometimes, the side you don't show other people."
Sokka nodded slowly, dragging himself up the sleeping mat. Face to face once again he hooked a leg around hers, fingers linked. "I don't think you even have that side," he tried to joke.
This time she didn't smile. "But you have seen it. You've seen me at my lowest. I was in prison, missing the girls I grew up with. I still don't know where my team, my sisters, are. And it's my fault. I lead them into this war, instead of just protecting our village. I don't know what's happened to them either," her eyes glazed over. "Which is why I'm so grateful for you. You saved me from the boiling rock. You're letting me help stop this war once and for all. I have to, to…"
"Regain your honor?" Sokka offered quietly.
"Something like that," she tucked her head under his chin, taking a deep shaky breath. "So that's why, that's why I want to know about you. I want to know you."
Touched, Sokka held onto her, keeping her head on his chest, pretending that wasn't his goal. He wanted to tell her, didn't want to see her reaction.
"Where should I start?"
"Wherever you like."
He didn't want to talk, didn't want to tell her. But he did owe her his honesty. She'd been so open with him. And he trusted her with his secrets.
"I've had so many people tell me that it's natural to feel this way about your first shared rut partner. But I don't know what this feeling is. I'm, we're connected, but what is that supposed to mean. It just keeps flipping back and forth. Every time I think about it I'm either at peace with the fact he's part of my past and we'll always be connected in like a cosmic sense. But then I start thinking about how that feels like I've mourned his death or something, which freaks me out. I'm supposed to be his al- his first alpha. Right? I should have protected him. So I can think about him in a past tense. But I don't even know where he is so how could I protect him?"
Sokka tried to catch his breath.
Suki didn't interrupt.
"And, and I'd be able to convince myself of that, that I don't owe him that much, it was nothing more than cling to him. I don't even know if I was his first alpha. I could walk away and let it go, just let be the memory of a dream in one night but, but it wasn't."
Suki broke her silence. "It wasn't?"
"I saw him again, in Ba Sing Sae."
Suki pulled away then, not repelled, not disgusted, but leaning back to take in every concerned line in Sokka's face, every ripped heartstring reflected in his face. "What was it like?"
"Like, like finding a missing piece of a puzzle," Sokka laughed, hating the poetic note he could never let go of. "It felt like I'd been missing a part of me and I found it again. I know it's stupid-"
"It's not stupid," Suki assured. "That's how I felt in my cell, when you found me again. I'm sure it's what your father felt when he saw you, what your sister felt when you brought her dad back. It's a good feeling."
Sokka was shaking his head. "It's not like that. I mean, I know how you feel but it's not familial. It's like we're tied together, like seeing him was, was destiny, fated. Like I'd always find him again. And now I don't know where he is. He was in Ba Sing Sae when the fire nation invaded. He could be hurt or in prison or, or-" Sokka couldn't say it, the idea of Blue being gone ignited a panic in him he couldn't describe.
"Sokka," Suki placed a hand on his cheek. "Breathe."
He struggled to do so, taking a slow deep breath, each hammering thud in his heart interrupting his inhale.
"These are your two feelings around him?" Suki brushed her fingers through his hair. "Either acceptance he is no longer part of your story, or guilt that you didn't do enough for him?"
Sokka opened his mouth, tried to find the right words, then closed it. He didn't have the words to describe it. It wasn't acceptance. It was closer to mourning. And guilt couldn't reach the depths of the terror he carried. He'd scared Blue away in his reaction to his firebending. Sokka had never been able to bring him food, or warn him of the impending fire nation attacks. The idea that he was even mildly harmed sent him into near hysteria.
Without the ability to describe, he simply nodded.
"When this is over, when we have the chance, would you want to find him?"
Sokka froze, looking deep into her eyes. "Really? You'd, that would be okay with you?"
"Of course it would be," she settled back against him. "Alphas and omegas are things that I try to know about but something I will never truly understand. And if this is something you need then I won't stop you. I'll help."
"Thank you so much," Sokka squeezed her shoulders.
Quiet for a long moment, both could feel the day dragging them further into unconsciousness.
Suki's hand still rested on his arm, having slid from where it craddled the base of his neck.
Falling into a soft sleep Suki started giggling, somewhere in the midst of her half awake mind.
"What?" Sokka lifted a heavy eyelid.
"It's just, oh you're going to think I'm stupid-"
"Try me," he hummed.
Suki pulled closer, her cheek against his chest. "When you first said that you were still in love with somebody I thought it might've been Zuko."
Sokka gaped, shocked out of his sleepy state. "What?"
"I'm pretty sure he likes you," Suki yawned.
"No way."
Shrugging once more, her words slurred. "He looks at you funny when you aren't paying attention. I told him to talk to you about it. I don't think he will though…"
Her words trailed off into a soft snore, leaving Sokka's heart thudding in his ears and entirely unable to sleep.
"It 's not possible," he muttered under his breath.
But Zuko had pulled him aside. And hadn't he talked about Suki mentioning something?
Thoughts whirring he laid back, unable to pull his mind off of Blue, of Zuko, and how oddly similar his feelings of protection correlation between them. It must be how he would feel about most, if not all omegas.
Too much to think about.
How was he to know what his sister would be up to the next day? How quickly his frantic mind would be distracted? How much more concern could he take before he broke?
Glancing up toward the bison above Sokka tried to keep his mind far from the dark thoughts crawling below. Katara and Zuko off on thier own adventure. He should have come, should have fought to make them stay. At
"Sokka?" Aang's tentative voice came from behind him.
Adjusting his face, Sokka switched to the imitation of an easy smile. "What's up?"
"Do you think they're going to be okay?"
"Psh," Sokka scoffed, waving off the sentiment. "They're two of the most powerful benders on the planet. They'll be just fine."
"Not exactly what I meant," Aang sat down, arms between his knees, fingers clasped tightly.
Lifting an eyebrow Sokka waited.
Hemming and hawing for a moment Aang took a deep breath. "I just mean, they won't end up fighting will they? Zuko is our friend now and Katara can't be too mad with him… right?"
The knot he had been trying to ignore wound ever tighter in Sokka's gut. His promise to aid and protect still fresh in his mind he could feel his own guilt. "Of course not," Sokka lied. "Katara knows you need Zuko to teach you firebending and Zuko wouldn't ever hurt Katara."
Nodding miserably Aang dropped his chin into his hand. "I just hope she finds what she needs…"
Sokka rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah. Me too."
Sitting in soft silence a long moment Aang shot Sokka a sly smile. "So," he drew out the vowel to many more syllables. "Sokka. What's been going on with you lately?"
Squeak catching in his throat Sokka sat bolt upright. "With me and Zuko? Nothing, nothing at all. Everything is fine. I trust Katara. I said that already."
Eyebrow lifting only ever higher Aang spoke softer. "I never said anything about Zuko."
Face shifting only ever darker red Sokka went to stand. "Didn't you? I thought you did. Oh, well doesn't matter. I'm going back to bed, goodnight."
For not the first time Sokka cursed Aang's ability to literally fly overhead, trapping any unwilling conversationalist with that evil grin of his. "Nope, not getting out of this that easy," he grinned, speaking in a sing-song voice.
"Shhhh!" Sokka waved his arms frantically, looking back toward Suki's tent.
Aang, self satisfied smile still plastered across his face, waited with arms behind his back.
Dropping his face into his hand, Sokka dragged the skin to expose his pinker under eye. "Just, you can't tell anybody. Okay? No one."
"Oh, I wasn't the one to notice," Aang shrugged. "Toph says your heart rate shoots like a rocket whenever he walks into the room."
Face a brilliant pink Sokka, couldn't stop his next question. "And, um, and Zuko?"
He thought for a moment, face scrunched. "I think she said something about he 'lies better' but I don't know exactly what she means."
"Right." Sokka couldn't help but feel crestfallen. He knew he had no right to.
"So," Aang repeated his dragging out of the word. "What is going on between you two? You were awkward when he showed up then he followed you on a crazy mission and now you don't talk anymore?"
Sokka's shoulders slumped forward. "Yeah, something like that."
Walking with him along the outer edge of the camp Aang thought a long moment. "You two are friends right? I mean, he's teaching me. He gets along just fine with Toph and he and Suki actually seem pretty close. There's Katara but that's more personal."
"I don't know," Sokka admitted. "I thought we were. I mean, we made an awesome team at the prison. And he came to ask me about helping Katara. But I just don't know what to think. It's hard to get a read on him."
The last was more of a lie. There were moments, those moments where Zuko sat at the fire, or out of the spotlight where his expressions were more familiar to him than anyone else's had ever been.
"It's like he wears a mask," Sokka couldn't help waxing poetic.
Aang made a small noise under his breath.
"What?"
"Really? He's been pretty open with me. When we went to the temple he was a pretty smiley guy."
"Zuko?" Sokka's heart rate picked up just thinking about Zuko smiling, not those little corner lift motions caught in unknowing moments but a real smile?
How did Sokka know how often Zuko smiled? It wasn't like he was staring. Right? He couldn't have been staring.
"Yeah," Aang grinned. "He's pretty funny sometimes too. I never really thought of it before."
Had Sokka's organs been waging war underneath his ribcage before they were hammering a war tune now. Zuko cracking jokes? Zuko laughing? The idea was like an intoxicated dream.
"You're doing it again."
Sokka stopped dead. "Doing what?"
"Freaking out," Aang said simply. "I can't do everything Toph does but I know enough to feel your pulse pick up."
Sokka hid his face, skin almost burning. "There's no point in talking about this anyway. I'm not into him, I don't like him like that." Lies. "Besides, say I did like him for whatever reason. I'd have to get over his grumpiness, his quiet, his weird shoes, and, and you know, firebenders are still firebenders."
Stood on the crest of the hill a good distance now from camp Aang listen with utmost patience.
"And, if I did like him which I obviously don't, I'm with Suki. I love Suki. She's the best thing to happen to me," Sokka lost his steam, arms crossed tight over his chest. "And she loves me too. I wouldn't- couldn't hurt her like that."
Taking yet another quiet moment Aang chose his words carefully. "I'm not exactly an expert on love, but I can say I'm a pretty good source on big decisions. I think, if you don't give your heart a chance, listen to it and follow it, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. If there's something you want to say to him you should."
"But… Suki…" Sokka said weakly. He could already see the wedge. She claimed ignorance of it but Sokka could, even if it only existed in his own mind.
"Following your heart shouldn't ever have to hurt someone else," Aang looked up at the sky. "Suki will understand that. She's smart."
Sokka nodded, letting out a slow sigh. "Yeah, I… yeah. Thanks Aang."
"You're welcome," Aang said simply.
"I'm going back to bed," Sokka glanced over his shoulder, watching the child on the top of the hill, covered in moonlight before returning to his own retrospection.
Zuko sat back in Appa's saddle. Legs crossed he held onto the edge. Lips pressed tight, he kept his gaze determinedly off anyone else there.
Sokka, howeer had other ideas. Pressing closer he spoke in low tones, only just loud enough to be heard over the rush of air. "Why did you leave her alone there? You don't know Katara like I do. She could do something stupid."
"You'll know when you see her," Zuko dropped his chin in his hand.
Ready to argue, Sokka frowned. "Where exactly did you leave her again."
"Ember Island. Fire Nation vacation spot. This time of year no one is there except for locals. She won't be recognized. It's only a few miles wide. I don't think she could get into trouble if she tried."
Sokka crossed his arms over his chest, taking Zuko in, dressed in his loose black clothing.
He looked good.
Stop, Sokka ordered himself.
Zuko lifted an eyebrow.
He didn't have to talk.
Sokka already knew. "I'm still not happy about all this, okay? But," he took a deep breath. "But... thank you. I know this was something she needed."
"I didn't do it just for her," Zuko muttered.
Sokka could feel heat boiling under his ribs. "Oh?"
"I've been thinking about what you said before," Zuko said. "Flying across the ocean tends to give you the time."
"What did I say?"
"How we… we were partners on the boiling rock. You don't throw teamwork like that away. So, I, I'd like to be friends, if that's possible."
Sokka grinned, unsure what was tearing inside him. He wanted to be friends. "Yeah," he gripped Zuko's hand.
And Zuko, exhausted and worn as he was, managed a small smile.
Returning it Sokka found himself calming down. He liked that smile.
But Katara had been wrong, about one thing. She hadn't been the first person he'd opened himself up to in that crystal cave. There was a willow tree in the lower earth kingdom, where he'd let himself be who he was for the first time in his life.
And now, with the fear of rejection starting to fade in wake of earning Katara's trust, he could start letting those walls down again.
Even if it was only in this small way. Zuko belonged to his Alpha.
Flinging everything out of the way, Sokka ran down the stairs, not caring who he woke, and slammed into the door, trying to get out of there.
"Sokka?" a sleepy mutter was only just heard before he shot out of the house and into the street.
Desperately in his mind's eyes Sokka could see the path of his- of Blue. Focusing all energy only on that path he ran after him.
Sokka had no idea how long he'd run, not daring to shout after him.
Where was he?
Legs aching, knees shaking, Sokka stopped, shoulder colliding with a rock pillar.
Breath catching in his chest he slid to the ground, wanting to scream.
Lost. Again.
Why did everything he loved have to be lost?
Love?
The word stopped him short. Hand curled in the dirt he realized in a wild thin panic how true that word was.
They'd never exchanged a word.
But Sokka was in love, the desperate, needy kind. He needed Blue like he needed to breathe.
Who cared if he was a firebender? He'd come to Ba Sing Sae as a refugee. That had to mean something. What if he was a child of a fire nation colonist?
Options, a world of options, whirled around in his head. On his hands and knees Sokka beat the ground with a closed fist. "Come back," his voice broke, hardly more than a whisper.
"Okay," a soft voice, a familiar voice, pulled him upright.
Whirling around Sokka looked up.
Hand outstretched, mask on, black uniform hung from him, Blue crouched, waiting for him.
"Blue," Sokka's voice broke. Ignoring the hand he leaped up, wrapping his omega into a tight hug.
And, without hesitation this time, Blue fell into his arms.
"You came back."
"I had to," the whisper, the answer. Still so familiar. Blue hadn't ever spoken before, had he? So why did he know that voice? Or would that voice be familiar to it simply for its owner?
Pulling away Blue had a hand behind his neck. And in one smooth motion, the tie came undone.
Sokka cradled his pale chin, the lips he recognized, the ones he would know anywhere. Blinking a few times the rest of his face came into a clearer picture. He knew the hair, the messy brown, kind eyes. Still, it took a moment.
Fingers going cold he blinked. "Zuko?"
Zuko took his hand, the warmest of smiles across his face. "Please don't leave."
Sokka didn't even have to consider it. "Never."
Hand at Zuko's back he pulled him in. Mouths inches away…
Sokka sat bolt upright.
He wasn't in Ba Sing Sae. He was on ember island, lying alone in a spare bedroom. After weeks on rocks and sleeping mats, the nice beds had lulled him deep enough to dream.
Dropping his face into his hands, Sokka tried to remember his dream. It'd been confusing, familiar, and there had been something- something- Oh.
"W-weird dream," Sokka stuttered, trying to lie back down again. His head hadn't even met the pillow before he knew he'd never be able to get back to sleep.
Still, he did not get up. Palms pressed into his eyes hard enough to see stars, Sokka got lost in his own head.
"What is the…'' he breathed. He hurt. The low ache underneath his ribcage had reached a crescendo. He could still feel Zu- Blue's hands on his, the warmth of his cheek underneath his fingers.
Rubbing his chest, Sokka forced himself to breathe slower. His heart was still thudding in his own veins.
No point in lying down, wasting time. He needed movement.
With a grunt Sokka had tossed away his blanket, grabbing shoes and tunic.
Pausing for a second Sokka looked around at the door. It was odd, to have a roof over his head, a proper room for the first time that was not an igloo or filled with his friends. But in the large summer home, he'd been given not only his own space, but a proper bed. The first time he'd laid on the soft mattress, with more give than any furs he'd had before, Sokka was sure he'd never be able to get back up.
No, the idea of never getting up, of sinking back into his dreams, clenched his insides hard enough to cause physical pain.
Knelt beside his bag he pulled from a side pocket of the few things he had hidden away. There was so little in his life he could say gave him true nostalgia for anything. And anything he had owned had been lost with Appa's saddle in the desert.
So he guarded those few items with his life. Pulling a well-worn piece of paper from its hold he headed out into the gray dawn.
Hair still down, belt abandoned, pants crumpled from where they had been lying, Sokka picked his way carefully across the squeaking floorboards.
The doors he passed were all clamped tightly, shut, the soft breaths of his sleeping companions following him out.
Walking out into the courtyard, as silent as the grave in the dim morning, Sokka eased himself onto the chunked rock steps. It wasn't a comfortable chair. But the morning air chilling his skin felt nice.
If he had the time he might even head to the beach.
Sokka closed his eyes, giving in for a single moment, letting the mask sift through vague images.
He still ached to see the face behind it, the real one, and yet now all he could think was-
"Sokka?"
Starting, Sokka lurched to his feet, whirling around, fingers tighter on the paper.
Standing in the doorway Zuko paused, hands cradled around a tray with two steaming cups.
"What are you- I wasn't- it was only- how-" Sokka sputtered, drawing a soft smile from Zuko.
"Tea?"
Sokka's knees melted, too tongue-tied to answer.
Quietly content Zuko set the tray on the steps, taking his own cup. He had nearly lifted it to his lips when he caught sight of the paper Sokka held. "What's that?"
Frantically Sokka tried to tuck it away, folding it quickly. "Nothing."
Dropping beside him, or more rather, a few feet away, but on the same step, Zuko said nothing, waiting, his hands curled around a cup of otherwise untouched tea.
He didn't press, waiting for Sokka to find a proper explanation. He watched over the roof of the beach house, waiting as the grey light shifted slowly brighter.
His presence drew the unwilling sigh. "Letter from a friend," Sokka admitted finally.
"Friend?" Zuko's whisper almost caught in his throat.
This time it was Sokka who lifted an eyebrow off guard by how soft his voice had become. "Yeah. It's personal." The snip was clear.
Zuko shifted further away.
The movement struck a chord in Sokka. He didn't like Zuko moving away.
Closing the gap between them Sokka sat only a few inches from him. "Sorry. I don't mean to… It's only, I'm not-'' Sokka dropped his forehead in his hand. "I'm not good at talking about it, not even with Katara. I don't think she'd understand. What little I could tell my dad," he shook his head. "Maybe you'd get it."
"Get what?" Zuko could actually hear his pulse in his ears, fingers white on his cup.
Unfurling the scroll of paper Sokka brushed his thumb over the characters.
At the bottom, Zuko caught the last phrase.
From Blue
Heat flooded Zuko's cheeks. He'd kept the letter. Sokka had kept the letter. The letter he'd written in desperation and loneliness and never even meant to send. Tying it to the messenger bird in the vain hope it might somehow-
"Zuko?"
Clearing his head quickly Zuko met his gaze. "Hm?"
"Are you okay?"
Collecting himself quickly Zuko raised his cup to his lips. "Yeah. Fine. Just waking up."
Sokka grunted ascent, taking the other cup.
Zuko had brought two cups. Just two. Had he known?
Setting the letter on his knees, Sokka sighed. "I know you might not care to listen but can I talk for a minute?"
Gesturing him on Zuko offered that same crooked half-smile. "What makes you think I don't care?"
Feeling that same heat under his ribs Sokka sputtered a moment.
"I'm good at listening," Zuko rest his elbows on his knees.
Sokka sipped his cup for a moment. "I had my first shared rut in the earth kingdom," he said finally.
Zuko held utterly still, like a hunter in wait.
"It was this guy," Sokka ran a hand through loose hair once more. He wanted to tell Zuko, felt almost compelled to tell him. But it did not stop the blush creeping upward. "And it was nice. I know it was, I mean it had to be just hormones and some kind of connection because of the rut."
Zuko lost evermore color, coughing into his tea he paused.
"You okay?" Sokka held up his arms in surrender. "I don't have to talk about-"
"You were in your rut?" Zuko asked quickly.
"Yeah?"
Zuko swallowed hard. His face was impossible to sort out, like he'd just come to some terrible realization. "Sokka. You shared your rut with someone in heat. Don't you know how dangerous that is? What if he'd ended up pregnant?"
For a moment Sokka knew his heart had actually stopped, or at the very least skipped several beats. "I um, I wasn't thinking." Of course, Zuko would judge him for that. As an omega himself it must have been something on the forefront of his mind.
Fingers white on the cup Zuko lowered it to his lap. "Sorry, sorry. I know it's none of my business. Keep going."
warmth still radiating off his cheeks Sokka nodded quickly. "I, right. Yes. The thing is… I never got his name or even saw his face," Sokka's embarrassment faded into the background of his reality.
"Never saw his face?" Zuko asked.
"He was wearing this mask," Sokka amended. "This blue demon mask. I'd draw it but I um," he gabbed a stick, drawing in the dirt.
Sokka knew he was not much of an artist, he knew that. No matter how much he practiced his drawings were rudimentary at best. But that mask, that was something etched behind his eyelid.
Watching the figure appear slowly from the dirt Zuko stayed quiet, stoic.
As he drew Sokka thought quickly. Hadn't Suki said something before, something how Zuko might have had feelings for him? that couldn't be real could it?
if it was it was only latent omega instincts. As the only two on the team not betas there had to be some kind of connections, right?
Or maybe Suki was wrong.
Still, was it fair of Sokka to share the story of the only person he was sure he'd ever loved?
The pair sat in silence, the stick held limply in his hand.
"Interesting mask," Zuko said at last, a bit lamely.
"He left in the morning," Sokka crossed his arms over his chest. "I get why, I do. He was trying to keep his identity a secret for whatever reason and there was a risk I'd follow but-" Sokka released a long sigh.
"I'm sorry."
"What?" Sokka looked up, alarmed to find he had tears gathering in the corners of his eyes.
"I'm sorry," Zuko repeated. There was such a note of true sincerity in his voice it almost sounded painful. "That he left I mean. You took care of him and he never said a word."
Sokka's shoulders dropped, nodding slowly. "Wait, how do you know he never said a word?"
Zuko tensed, arms up in defense. "It's an expression."
"Oh."
Once more they settled into an uneasy silence.
"I found him again," Sokka whispered finally.
Zuko perked up.
"In Ba Sing Sae. I found him again. He must have been a refugee there. He was stealing stale bread from open windows. Just the idea of my- of him eating garbage like that… I had to do something."
Remaining silent Zuko scooted ever closer, careful not to smudge the drawing of the mask in the dirt.
"I took him to the house we had there, gave him a bag," Sokka slunk over, chin in his hand, elbows on his knees. "But he, I messed up."
"What do you mean?"
"He showed me something. He was, he is a firebender."
Zuko's throat was dry, catching before he could speak. "Really?"
"He held a tiny fireball in his palms," Sokka imitated the memory, hands cupped. "It pulsed like a tiny heartbeat."
Spreading slowly a tiny smile graced Zuko's face. His cheeks turned pale gold. The sun had reached across the sky, still hidden behind the protective wall of the house.
"I didn't know how to react. And he ran."
"I'm sorry," Zuko said again.
Sokka swallowed hard, sorrow etched into his face. "Not your fault. It's mine. I just, I just wish I could have talked to him, said something before-" he clutched the letter.
"What does it say?"
With more trust in Zuko he handed over the letter he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to get over.
"Sokka," Zuko read the letter, unfolding it carefully. "I hope this will reach you. I have so much I wish to say. But know this first. I am now and will always be your omega. I know who you are and who you travel with.
"We cannot be.
"I hope you will find a way to forgive me.
"Blue."
Sokka dropped his face into his cupped hands. "I got that while on a ship in the middle of the ocean. It came on a messenger hawk in the middle of the night. I have no idea how it found me."
Zuko folded the paper carefully. The amount of pain in those words had been echoed in Zuko's own voice.
Lost in his own head Sokka hadn't heard.
"I think I read it a million times," Sokka spoke, voice ever softer. "I have it memorized. But I can't bear to throw it out. I just want to respond. I still have no idea what I'd say though."
Zuko only handed back the paper. He'd had a terrible urge to light it on fire right then.
"Then Suki had this crazy idea," Sokka's laugh was flat. "What if, after all this mess, I went back to Ba Sing Sae and tried to find him?"
Losing color Zuko picked up his now cold tea cup. "Why would you do that?"
"Because I love him."
Zuko froze.
Sokka offered yet another weak smile, hunched over, arms crossed tightly. "I know it's stupid. I don't know his name. I don't know what he looks like. I don't even know if he's still in Ba Sing Sae. But I know that much."
"Love…?" Zuko breathed. He wasn't sure if Sokka had even heard him.
"It's not really fair is it?" Sokka tried to talk himself back to reality. "Not to Suki, or to Blue. He asked me to forget him."
"He didn't," Zuko said quickly.
Sokka waited.
"I mean, he didn't. He just told you that you couldn't be. That doesn't mean he wants to forget him completely."
"It'd be easier that way," Sokka gripped the paper. "I can't get him out of my head."
"I'm sorry."
Sokka shot Zuko a real smile this time. "You've got to stop apologizing for my love life. It's making me even more depressed."
Flushed pink Zuko pushed his hair out of his face.
Sunlight spilled over the pair of them, washing them gold.
Sokka squinted, hand over his eyes.
On the other hand, Zuko leaned back, eyes closed, taking in the distant warmth. Not only gold but pink filled his cheeks. The sun was revitalizing.
Sokka found himself caught by the peaceful smile across his face.
Zuko's eyes flicked open.
Hand at his neck Sokka turned away quickly. "It looks like it's going to be pretty warm today. I'm going to go down into the village, or um, maybe take a walk."
"Okay," Zuko stood.
For one thrilling moment, Sokka was sure he would follow.
But Zuko only stretched, leaning over to scoop up the tray.
"What about you?" Sokka asked quickly.
Shoulders wound tight, Zuko shifted from foot to foot. "What do you mean?"
"Have you spent your heats with anyone special?"
Zuko gripped the tray tighter. "I try to be alone. Hard to find a partner for the banished prince."
Knot winding in Sokka's chest he nodded. "Oh. I'm sorry. That can't be… if you ever need someone to just sit with you-"
"Yeah," Zuko ducked back into the hallway before Sokka could catch his growing blush.
Hands shaking on the tray Zuko stood in the kitchen, heart hammering in his ears. Absently he rubbed the back of his neck, pulling away the neck of his shirt.
Zuko followed the group into the theatre, trying to ignore the strong feelings of nostalgia. The royal family had a booth right next to the stage for which he couldn't help glancing at.
He'd also kept himself as far from Sokka as possible. Their talk that morning had done very little for his already confused emotions.
Walking along the upper ring of the outdoor stairs Zuko paused, looking over the island.
"Are you okay?"
Zuko stepped away from Sokka's comforting shoulder pat. "Fine."
"You are allowed to talk to me," Sokka followed his gaze. "I know we got the cheap seats, but you've got to admit the view is nice."
Unbidden a soft smile spread across his face. "It is," Zuko agreed, rubbing his neck. "My mom used to joke that if you jumped off the top you'd land on sunset beams and slide down into the ocean."
Sokka laughed. "Sounds like a nice lady."
"She was," Zuko agreed, shoulders ducking. "She'd have liked you."
"What?" Sokka yelped.
"I mean it. She had a really good sense of humor. She liked to laugh," Zuko smiled, enjoying the last dregs of daylight. "You would have made her laugh."
"I, thank you," Sokka smiled. Then, the silence growing too much for him, he punched Zuko's shoulder lightly. "So what went wrong with you? You're horrible at jokes."
"Now you sound like my uncle," Zuko pushed him back. There was a warmth traveling up his spine.
Sokka walked with him up the last flight of stairs. "I met him once. He seemed like a pretty sturdy guy."
"Is that a fat joke?"
"No!" Spkka threw up his hands. "No, not what I meant. I just meant that he seemed good, like mentally steady."
Zuko couldn't help but roll his eyes.
Walking above them Katara turned back toward the pair, laughing with each other. Arm in arm with Suki she poked her in the side. "Looks like they're getting along."
Feeling her heart sink Suki nodded wordlessly. She'd seen enough that morning, heard from her window Sokka pouring out his heart. Despite all his insistence on sharing everything with her, and knowing he meant it there was something else with Zuko.
Suki knew she was losing him. It didn't stop the hurt. Still, watching Sokka's face light up as he joked, she could feel a warmth too.
It was nice, to see Sokka really happy.
That at least dulled the ache.
Zuko watched the play with an ever sinking in his chest, less than amused but the antics. He'd known it would be terrible the moment he'd heard the troupe name.
Besides having to face what was little more than a caricature of who he had been before he sunk ever lower in his chest.
The first jolt underneath his ribs was felt in the seat just behind him as a mask, his mask, stitched and dulled with a tongue sticking out marched onto stage.
He could feel the sharp change in the air as Sokka snap to attention behind him.
"Aang," Sokka leaned forward. "Aang, did that really happen?"
Sinking in his seat Aang nodded glumly. "Yeah. It was when you two were sick and I had to get those frogs."
"But the mask-"
Aang shushed him, leaning forward as Jet, or the actor portraying him came on stage, literally sweeping Katara off her feet.
Sokka's jaw still hung open and he tapped Zuko on his shoulder. "You really had Aang locked up like that?"
"It wasn't me," Zuko whispered back, wishing he could just sink into his own seat. "It was Zhao."
"But the Blue Spirit. Is that-"
"It's a pretty common spiritual mask," Zuko brushed him off, trying to be interested in the play. "I'll tell you more about it later."
"Could it be the same-"
"Later," Zuko insisted. It might give him enough time to think up an excuse. His head felt fuzzy, thoughts whirring. What was wrong with him?
The actor Zuko on the stage fell away, vanishing into fire.
Jaw dropped, everyone stared at the real Zuko.
Frozen in his chair Zuko took a beat, heart hammering in his ears. He didn't want to be dramatic, didn't want to pull away.
He felt sick.
Taking a deep breath he listened to the firelord- the actor- laughing hysterically.
He could hear his father's own laugh hidden in the false joy of the actor.
And he couldn't take it.
Pushing himself up Zuko rounded the stairs, his breath speeding in his ears.
It wasn't the play. It wasn't any one thing. He couldn't help it. Zuko knew he was going to be sick.
"Zuko?"
A voice followed after him.
He didn't know who was speaking.
Something was wrong.
Out on the balcony, passing the doorway, he leaned over the edge. His face warmed, sweat clinging his shirt to his back.
"Zuko?" A hand brushed his arm.
Everything was still so out of focus.
Turning with blurred vision he tried to blink everything back in focus. "Sokka?"
"Not quite," Suki's kind face came out of the fog.
He bent back over the railing. The cool evening air was doing nothing for the growing warmth seemingly under his skin.
"Are you okay?"
Once more, Zuko didn't, maybe couldn't speak. His head was swimming.
"Do you want me to walk you back?"
"Walk me back?" He rubbed his skull with the base of his palm. "What do you mean?"
"Zuko." Suki laid a hand on his arm.
He found he didn't want to pull away. He wanted the touch.
Oh.
Swearing under his breath Zuko shook his head. "I can walk back. Would you tell Sokka…"
She took his hand. "Just wait, tell him everything yourself."
"It's not like that," Zuko found himself swaying back and forth.
"It's okay," Suki stood on her tip toe, kissing his cheek. "Really Zuko. It's, I'll be all right. I'm happy for you."
Her tone and strained smile didn't match the words.
Zuko wanted to protest. But he couldn't.
Pulling away he gripped the railing, walking slowly down he tried to wrap his mind around the evening. Everything had happened so quickly. He had Suki's blessing, even her permission.
Sokka was on the cusp of knowing everything. He'd seen the Blue Spirit in the play. He had questions.
Zuko would never be able to hide himself away, not like this, not with Sokka in the house.
His heat had never come out of the blue like this. And now, something had to give.