Chapter 35: The Belly is the Giver of Genius
Content warning: Hi all! I'm here at the beginning of a chapter once again to warn you that this installment will contain discussion of suicide/suicidal ideation. Please take care of yourself and don't read if it's too triggering for you!
Shifu hadn't expected news of an approaching invasion and the temporary amnesty he was extending to their less law-abiding guests to go over well. Yet somehow he still found himself surprised by the stress headache he formed as his students all began shouting at him at once. The barracks kitchen had better acoustics than he'd anticipated.
"Wait, what? Really? No way. No way!" was Po's reaction, and honestly the most inoffensive of all of them.
"Master, you cannot sincerely expect us to trust the Wu Sisters- or any bandits whatsoever!" Tigress questioning his judgment was nothing new to him at this point, but it still stung.
"This is insane! How the hell're we supposed to do this?" Mantis seemed to be reading his mind.
"I can't deal with all this shouting!" Crane shouted.
"I just refilled my almond cookies! I'm not sharing with a bunch of criminals!" Monkey's priorities needed addressing, which was... Not surprising, honestly.
Viper shocked him most of all, though. "If you think I'm sharing the barracks with Wu Qiang of all people, after what she did, you've got another thing coming!" All eyes turned to her at that proclamation. "What? I can have exes!"
"Enough!" Shifu managed to get some quiet from the group for a few precious moments as he glared at them. "These are extenuating circumstances. And regardless of any personal feelings- which we'll discuss later, Viper- we must do everything in our power to protect the citizens of this valley. Right now, we need all the help we can get, and our guests have offered that help. I accepted because we cannot afford to turn it down. Our opponents will be well armed, and they will be ready and willing to fight to the death." He paused, his eye twitching, as the five outlaws in question all filed into the kitchen together.
While there were no seats left at the table, Guotin had no qualms about heading straight to the stove to open up Po's pot of noodles and give it a sniff. "We get lunch, too, right?"
Tigress slammed her fist into the table, glaring daggers at the wolf. "You are lucky you haven't been locked up yet."
Shifu held up his hand for calm before any squabbling could break out. "We are going to have to work together," he reminded her. "If you cannot be friendly, I understand. But at least try to maintain some composure."
"I don't mind so much," Guotin said, ever dedicated to being as unhelpful as possible. "I like it when women're mean to me."
Tigress looked ready to kill, but Po's hand on her shoulder seemed to calm her.
"Shall we discuss our opponents?" Wu Zhin jumped in, sensing the opportunity. "We've had some professional dealings with one in particular who worries me. And yes, Qiang, you can have some noodles."
"Oh, good," Qiang said with a relieved sigh.
"Ah, yes." Shifu relaxed a bit now that Po had decided to show some hospitality by getting up to serve their unusual guests. "Captain Zhengsheng. I had not gotten to that part yet."
"Captain?" Crane asked, perking up at the term. "As in...?"
"Captain of the Imperial Army," Bai answered. "He's a real piece of work! Didn't even pay us- big fluffy pain in my- oh, why thank you!" She interrupted her tirade to dig into Po's noodles and didn't bother to come up for air.
Tigress narrowed her eyes. "Why did a Captain of the Imperial Army try to hire you?"
"To kill that little dog Shifu's dating," Zhin answered matter-of-factly, before Shifu could jump in to deflect.
His students all nodded knowingly as they chorused such choice phrases as "Ohhhh, okay," and, "That makes sense, now."
"Her name is Lin," Shifu snapped.
"And they're not dating," Guotin added, probably just to piss him off. Which, admittedly, worked.
Boqin finally spoke, having not touched his noodles yet. "We have two hundred soldiers with muskets on their way, I think that bears a bit more worry than you all are expressing."
"Yes, well-" Shifu stopped himself when Gia walked in. Because of course Gia would enter the kitchen and find it filled with outlaws before he'd had a chance to warn her. That was simply the way the universe worked.
"Oh!" Gia paused in the doorway, perking up at the sight of their guests, then smiled and clapped her hands. "Hello again, my friends! Have you come for a visit? Oh, of course you have. My apologies! This place is a mess!"
When the Wu Sisters surrounded Gia and began chatting, Shifu thought he might have a heart attack.
"Hey, girlie, since when've you known the Wu Sisters?" Guotin asked.
"My name is Gia," she replied with an indignant sniff. "And your directions were terrible."
"Uhuh. Sure."
"They're usually pretty bad," Boqin agreed offhandedly.
Now Shifu knew he would have a heart attack. "You all know Gia?" he asked, horrified.
"We met during my travels," Gia said cheerfully, clearly ignoring his twitching eye. "They were all quite kind to me." Well, at least there was that.
"I see," he accepted with an irritated sigh. "Alright, let us start from the top."
He paused to fill Gia in, with some unhelpful interruptions from their entire group, including Po stopping to make sure she had enough noodles. Then he held up his hands once more for silence. "Now. We are going to spend the week training and strategizing with the Wu Sisters-"
"And me," Boqin interjected.
"Aw, no rallying the militia with me?" Guotin asked in a disappointed whine.
"I'm not a people person."
"And him," Shifu agreed. He was too frazzled to have any objections at this point. "Guotin will be helping Lin form a village militia in case the worst happens. But we are going to make sure it does not."
"Excellent," Gia interjected, surprising him. He'd thought she would simply... Listen in quietly. "What will my role be? Shall I join you on the battlefield?" He thought he might drop dead from shock at the question.
"I- you- no!" Shifu sputtered. "Of course not!"
Gia's offended frown was all he needed to know her opinion on that response.
"Gia, our opponents have muskets," Tigress said before they could begin arguing. "I know that you have skill in hand-to-hand combat, but this is an entirely different prospect. It might be best if you joined the village militia instead."
Thankfully, the small wolf looked like she was thinking over the suggestion. Then she turned to Shifu again. "Will my mother be on the battlefield with you?"
He could lie, but he'd be easily found out. "Yes," he sighed.
"Then I will be there as well," Gia predictably decided.
"But you could die!" Tigress argued, and it was her turn to face Gia's disapproving frown.
"I am an adult, and I will decide for myself what risk I am willing to take," she said firmly.
"Damn," Guotin suddenly interrupted. "You got some rock hard lady balls, huh?"
Shifu thought he might scream, but Gia seemed improbably flattered.
"Thank you," she said with a nod to the bandit. "Master Shifu, I apologize for my interruption. Please, do not allow me to derail you any longer."
"This isn't over," he warned before addressing his students again. "Are there any questions about how we will be handling this threat?"
After a long silence, Po raised his hand.
"You don't have to raise your hand, panda."
"Oh, uh, yeah. Okay." Po cleared his throat loudly and awkwardly. "So, like, I know that Master Sable developed a famous qi technique for deflecting ammunition- do we got anything like that?"
"Master Sable never shared that technique." Despite their dire circumstances, Shifu found himself impressed as ever by Po's expansive kung fu knowledge. "But I suppose we have a week to try to figure it out."
"Cool," he said nervously.
"Cool," Shifu repeated sarcastically, his eye twitching at the stress of it all. "I believe we've discussed all we can. It is time you all began the day's training." His students and the outlaws cleared the kitchen- most of the outlaws. Gia had stayed behind, and to his annoyance, so had Guotin.
"Hey! Gia." The soft smile Guotin gave her made Shifu want to throw him off the side of the mountain. "Hope I didn't getya too lost."
"It could have been worse," Gia said. She seemed oblivious to the moon-eyed way Guotin was looking at her, thankfully. "But you should invest in a better map."
"Yeah, for sure," he agreed.
"Did you need something?" Shifu asked with his most withering glare.
"Yeah, I could use a tea, since you're offering," Guotin answered, then patted Shifu on the head.
He almost tore that hand clean off. But then Gia patted his head as well, so he restrained himself. "I would prefer not to receive head pats like a small child."
"My apologies, Master Shifu," Gia said. "I could not resist."
He rubbed at his temples, but let it go. It was more important right now to get Guotin away from her. He considered the use of subtlety as a tactic. He also considered murder. "Guotin, if you so much as blink in the general direction of Lin's daughter, I will personally choke you with your own eye patch. Do you understand?"
The ridiculous wolf just stared at him.
"That was very rude," Gia scolded him. "I am able to take care of myself."
"It is what Lin would want me to say."
"I suppose you are right."
"Lin's daughter?" Guotin practically choked out.
"You know my mother?" Gia asked back.
"They're old friends," Shifu answered quickly, then ushered Gia out of the kitchen. "Now go, join my students in the training hall. I insist you polish your skills if you mean to fight with us."
"But-"
"And don't forget to stretch," he added. Then he rounded on Guotin and poked him hard in the chest. "I will follow through on that threat if I have to."
"Okay, I get it!" Guotin threw his hands up in surrender. "You don't gotta get all violent about it. But what if Lin says it's okay?"
Shifu punched the wolf in the stomach before walking away. He had better things to do than listen to Guotin act like a pervert.
Tigress couldn't say she approved of Gia joining their training session, let alone joining the battle against the British soldiers. But she approved of training with outlaws even less, and no one was about to listen to her protests. Which was why she had obliterated the volley of wooden crocodile soldiers in the training hall in record time without so much as breaking a sweat. Still, the sight of Gia practicing combat with a qiang against the Wu Sisters practically gave her heart palpitations. She supposed the best way to deal with her concern would be to... Talk it out. Unfortunately.
She paused her training and approached the four women, her guard up considering the history she had with the Wu Sisters. But when Gia saw her and paused, they respectfully stepped away. Not so far away that they couldn't eavesdrop, she noticed with some annoyance, but she let it go.
"Yes?" Gia asked, holding her spear alongside her the way Tigress had seen so many warriors do before.
Tigress hesitated, unsure of what to say. "Gia..." She knew it would only be a matter of time before she put her foot in her mouth. "I'm sorry we haven't talked much lately. How are you?"
"I am the one who should ask you that," Gia replied with more tenderness than she had expected. "Your fight with Tai Lung was harrowing."
"I'm a kung fu master, I can handle myself." The answer came automatically, she was so used to giving it by now.
"I know that, but I am still asking. Are you alright?"
Tigress blinked down at her, surprised and touched by the question. "I- I'm fine. Thank you."
"I do not believe you," Gia replied bluntly. "But I hope you will at least tell the truth to Po."
Tigress awkwardly cleared her throat. "About that-"
"It is none of my business," Gia interrupted her. "As long as you are happy, I am happy for you."
"Oh. I, uhm... Thank you." She didn't know how true that was, considering Gia's uncomfortable expression, but she appreciated the sentiment. "But really. I want to know how you are. You must have been frightened."
"Yes," Gia confirmed with a short nod. "But let us not linger on unpleasant discussions."
"Right." It was so hard to get a read on Gia these days. Tigress felt as though she were in a battle against a superior foe, unable to find her proper footing. "I wanted to ask you... Are you sure about joining us for this battle?"
"I am," she said with that firm sureness that still surprised Tigress.
"I know you have experience from your travels, but surely you have not been on a battlefield before," she forged on, determined to make her point. "This will be dangerous, even for those of us who have seen dozens of battles."
Gia nodded thoughtfully. "I appreciate your concern, my friend. But I will fight."
"But Gia, you are not a kung fu master-"
"And still I will fight," she interrupted, a hard edge to her voice. "I trained among the mountains with the Shaolin Monks of Henan province, and I saw battle among them."
"Wait- you what?"
"Whoa!" Po managed to appear beside them, practically vibrating with excitement. "Shaolin warrior monks? For real? That's so awesome! Okay, we're takin' a break and you are tellin' me all about that-"
"I cannot," Gia interrupted. "I must train. And in any case, I do not discuss those years of my life."
"Years?" Tigress asked incredulously, but Gia only nodded politely before returning to the Wu Sisters for more sparring. "Years," she repeated to herself. What else about Gia did she not know?
"That is severely cool," Po commented beside her.
"Yes," she agreed. "It is."
Po seemed to sense that she was feeling off, because before she had a chance to think about it, she was catching a staff he had thrown to her. "How's about we do some weapons training of our own?" he asked, grabbing a pair of nunchucks which he twirled impressively around his shoulders before accidentally hitting himself between the eyes. "Agh! Ow! That smarts. Oof."
Tigress smiled at his antics. "Alright, there?"
"Yeah, I'm good," he said, rubbing at the spot he'd hit. Then he returned to fighting form. "Okay, come at me."
She surged forward with her staff, forgetting her friendship drama in favor of focusing all her energy on kung fu. It was the practice that had taught her to control her strength, to calm her temper, and to clear her mind. Even if she couldn't always successfully meditate, she could achieve this feeling of zen when she trained her body. And knowing she did so to protect others spurred her on even more. Kung fu might not fix her problems, but it made them feel smaller- if only for a little while.
Lin sat in her studio, mixing up some magenta for a print. Measuring the correct amounts of red, yellow, and blue pigment, following her recipe for a smooth and saturated ink- it felt a lot like cooking. It was both rote and absorbing, the perfect task for a late night. Everything was warm and comfortable. Until a feeling came over her.
Something was watching.
She stopped. She didn't want to look. Her heart started to race, thinking of what might be lurking just beyond view. But when she turned around, nothing was there. Her studio was just like always. Except that something was watching.
She stood from her chair, the floorboards creaking loudly. Her gaze fell on the closed door and stayed there, fixated. She knew she shouldn't open that door, but she walked toward it all the same. She knew she wouldn't want to see the other side. She knew this was a bad idea. She couldn't stop herself. She opened the door.
And there, in the inky darkness, a large, unblinking eye. Watching.
Lin woke up with a start, gasping for air. She hadn't realized she'd been holding her breath in her sleep, but that must have been what happened. She rubbed her chest a little to soothe the burning sensation from going so long without breathing. That dream had been a vision- or maybe not. Maybe it was a haunting.
"Why did I agree to stay in this hellscape with you?" Rahim whined from across the room.
"I dunno," Lin said. "To spite me?" The painted waves on her wall undulated in the dark, their eerie movement drawing her eyes. They always moved at night now. She crawled out of bed, spurred on by them, to Rahim's side of the house. With little effort, she pushed him aside to open the small crawl space in her wall that she used as a closet and retrieve all her black paint and brushes.
"Oh no," he complained as she started to paint the old floorboards. "Now what?"
"Go sleep in the hammock if you're so bothered," she brushed off.
"No! It's freezing out! Can't your project wait until morning?"
"You don't get it," she said. Not that she'd explain.
"Stop painting the floor and get back to bed," Rahim said, throwing a pillow at her that went so wide she could have believed he'd missed on purpose. But Rahim had embarrassingly poor aim.
"Or what?" she asked combatively.
"Or- or-" He paused to stew in frustrated silence. Rahim was a diplomat, used to masking his feelings and offering compromise. Fighting with her had never been part of his skill set. But unlike Al, who had almost always resorted to giving in and sulking, Rahim made the effort to fight back. "I will wrestle that paintbrush out of your hands and make you sleep in the hammock, inshAllah."
Lin sucked on her teeth at him. "Well, is it?"
"Is it what?"
"God's will?"
"That's it!" The tiger had several heads of height on her and much longer limbs, so when he lunged at her, he got hold of the paintbrush with ease.
However, Lin would always be stronger.
After an embarrassingly short struggle, Rahim gave up trying to pry the brush from her hand and collapsed dramatically on the floor. "I just want to sleep."
"So sleep! All's I'm doing is painting." And she wasn't planning on stopping until she'd finished.
"While you paint over my sleeping body," he added.
"Under. The point's to paint the floor, not your ass."
"Why?" he asked. "Why are you painting the floor?"
She ignored him and focused on her task.
"I asked you a question," Rahim nagged. "It does not have to be a secret."
"'Cause I can't reach the ceiling right now," Lin answered. It was the truth, in a way. She'd be painting both, but she didn't have a proper ladder for reaching the ceiling just yet.
Rahim narrowed his eyes at her. "So there really is some big secret behind this random paint job? Of course. Why would there not be?"
"It's not that it's a big secret." Lin had no idea how to even begin explaining to him all the mystical visions and ocean spirit hauntings. Rahim was not even close to a believer in anything he couldn't see, except for Allah- and even then, he'd only prayed a handful of times since she'd met him. "It's just hard to explain," she admitted. "And I'm not sure yet what it all means."
He stared at her flatly.
"It's true."
"Uhuh," he said skeptically, then grabbed his blanket and rolled over. "And it requires you to paint your floor in the middle of the night?"
She didn't know what else to say but the truth. "Yeah. It does." She couldn't explain why she was doing exactly what she was doing, and with such fervor. There was simply a deep, instinctual need driving her forward. She couldn't deny that need any more than she could deny the need to eat or to sleep. A knot of excitement bunched itself up in her stomach and chest, setting her nerves on end, like she might explode right out of her skin if she didn't paint the floor and ceiling to complete her ocean mural. She needed to encase herself in those cold waters again.
He didn't answer her. He'd known her long enough to know how serious she was. Then he gathered his blanket and pillow and crossed the room to settle into her bed. "Since you're not going to use it."
"Fine," Lin said, rolling her eyes. "Don't drool on my pillows."
"I don't drool in my sleep, but it would probably be an improvement to their hygiene."
"The puddleya wake up in every morning begs to differ."
"I do not wake up in a puddle," he said with an indignant sniff. "Ugh. These sheets smell like sex."
"Probably 'cause they're covered in cum," Lin replied.
"That's it!" He leapt out of the bed like he'd landed on a bed of spikes. "I'm sleeping out on the hammock!"
"That's covered in cum, too," Lin called after his retreating back with a laugh. Then she returned to her work. She worked through the rest of the night, putting down layer after layer of black paint until it shone inky and dark. She was almost finished.
"Let's go." Lin emerged in the early morning light and gave the hammock a shove.
"No," Rahim groaned pathetically.
"We got lots to do," she reminded him. "And I need a ladder if I'm gonna finish painting."
"Ew," he replied, but he still flailed his way out of the hammock to follow her back into town and up to the Jade Palace.
They didn't discuss her sudden urge to paint or the incoming attack on the valley. They didn't talk at all, which was suspiciously out of character for Rahim. Lin didn't want to prod, though. She knew that it would only be a matter of time before they talked in earnest about the past, a heavy stone that would always hang between them. She wanted a little more time first. So she sent him on to the barracks to speak with Guotin while she split off to the Jade Palace to rummage around in the store rooms for a ladder.
She should have known she'd run straight into Shifu, but she still stupidly believed she might be able to one day sneak past him. He was inspecting the weapons in the Hall of Warriors when she walked in, likely trying to pick things out for the upcoming battle. When he saw her, he started.
"You look... Um." Shifu paused, a pink tinge on his ears. "Fine. You look fine. Forget I said anything."
"You can say I look like hell," Lin said, suppressing a yawn. "I know it's just an observation."
"Well, yes. You do." Shifu pulled out his handkerchief and started trying to wipe paint off her cheeks and forehead like a fussy mother.
She was too tired to argue, so she just closed her eyes and thought of it as a face massage. It actually did feel kind of nice.
"What even happened?" he asked as he moved on to her hands.
Lin opened her eyes to watch him. No wonder Tai Lung acted like such a pampered brat. The thought surprised her and brought with it the ache of remembering his betrayal, so she pushed it aside to focus on the moment. "I hadta paint my house."
"Your house is already painted," he said, furrowing his big eyebrows.
"The floor," she clarified. "I need a ladder for the ceiling. Where's the ladders? I'll just take one of yours."
"Wait- why are you painting your floor and your ceiling?"
"Ocean spirit stuff," she admitted.
"What?" Shifu finally stopped trying to clean her off and stared at her in alarm. "What kind of 'stuff,' exactly?"
"A dream," she said, though her uncertainty seeped into her voice. "Anyway, now I gotta finish the ocean painting. It's whatever." She kept her answer perfunctory and then brushed it aside as quickly as possible in the hopes that Shifu wouldn't focus too closely on it. She'd thought he would ask one or two questions and then give up. But she wasn't that lucky, and Shifu wasn't that obtuse. Not at the moment, anyway.
"It is not 'whatever,' it is deeply concerning!" he argued. He always had to argue with her over this stuff, didn't he? "I thought you wanted my help with all these visions. Why must you finish the ocean painting?"
"'Cause I gotta get it done before this whole big battle thing," Lin tried to explain. "Then it'll... It'll... Be done." She thought she might sound a little too unhinged if she brought up the clawing need that set her nerves on fire, even as they spoke.
"You don't have any idea what is going to happen when you finish that painting, do you?" he asked flatly, his ear twitching.
She shrugged.
Shifu threw his arms up in frustration. "Why did I expect anything else?" he asked the sky before looking back at her. "Do not finish that painting without me," he ordered.
"Excuse me? You don't tell me what to do."
"This does not have to be a fight," he snapped. "I simply want to be there for you in case something dangerous happens! Is that so wrong?"
"Yeah!" Lin argued. Nothing gave her a second wind as effectively as Shifu annoying her with his overprotectiveness. "This's my business, and it's up to me whatya know and whenya know it! So back off!"
"If you would just take a moment to explain what is going on, I could support you!" he yelled. "And while we are on the subject, a private matter that puts you in danger should become the business of the people who care for you!"
"I'm not having this argument withya right now," Lin shouted back. "I ain't tellingya shit and you ain't stepping foot in that house 'til I say so!"
Shifu looked like a vein in his temple might burst at any moment, which about summed up how she felt. "I do not understand why you won't talk to me about this!"
"Cause it was my suicide attempt!" Lin snapped back, then went quiet. She hadn't wanted to tell him that. But she'd lost her temper, and she was exhausted, and now it was out there. Shifu knew. And he would pity her, or hate her, or probably both.
The throbbing vein immediately calmed as Shifu quieted and stared at her with wide eyes. He cleared his throat, then took her hand. "I am so glad you're still here," he said quietly, then hugged her.
This was unexpected. "Are we still fighting?"
"No." He let out a suspiciously wet sniffle.
"Are you crying?"
"A little bit."
"Oh my God," she grumbled at his emotional reaction, then hugged him back. "S'this really necessary?" She felt relief mingling with her annoyance. While she wasn't exactly in need of a comforting hug and was in no mood to give one, his shock and grief unwound something in her that had been poised and ready to flee. He didn't pity her. He wasn't angry. He was only sadf and afraid.
"Yes." With one last tight squeeze, Shifu let her go. He took a moment to dab at his eyes with his dirty handkerchief like a little old lady. It left behind smudges of black paint, but now was not the time to point that out. "I wish you would have felt safe telling me that."
"That's your own fault." Lin was getting tired of saying that. And to be honest, she felt like she had expended all the anger that had once been behind it.
"I know. But I am trying. You can tell me anything, I promise you."
"Doubtful." She wanted to believe him so much that she almost did.
"I mean it," Shifu insisted. "I know I have judged you harshly in the past. But I have realized that it is not my right, and no way to earn your trust."
Lin crossed her arms as she listened to him. He sounded so sincere- but then, he always did. Unless he was turning on the sarcasm, which she could have used as a distraction right about now. "You really mean that?"
"I would rather die than betray you again."
"Calm down."
"Right. Sorry."
She didn't know what possessed her to test that claim, but the worst of it was over anyway. "It was just a really bad time for me. And I, uh... I didn't swim the English Channel. I mean, I couldn't have. I don't think."
Shifu stared at her. "What?" he asked, bewildered. "What does this have to do with anything?"
Lin sighed and rubbed her forehead. She'd hoped her implication would have been explanation enough. "'Cause I swam out into the open ocean. That was it. Same incident. I don't remember much, just the ocean spirit or kraken or whatever it was, and then... I was on land again. That's how I got to England."
"Oh." Shifu said, then seemed to finally grasp what she'd said and jolted a bit, as if she'd startled him. "Oh. I didn't realize."
She truly suspected this was the most awkward conversation of her entire life. "Well, anyway, I failed that attempt. And I'm glad I did. So let's not have any pity parties or big emotional scenes anymore, okay?"
"For you, I will make the attempt." Shifu's sarcastic reply was unexpectedly grounding, not that she'd ever tell him so. It didn't take long for him to get back to being serious and mushy. "If you ever would like to talk in more detail about this, you know I am willing to listen."
"I bet you're willing to listen to a lotta stuff with ears that size," Lin teased him, but got no reaction out of him for her trouble. "Okay, okay. Fine. But right now, I don't wanna talk about this for another goddamn second. I'd rather treat my hemorrhoids with chili oil."
"I... What? Ew!" He paused to rub his forehead, as if that would erase the mental image. "Why would you say that?"
"Partly for comedic effect, partly 'cause it's true." If she were given only those two choices, anyway.
Shifu shuddered and grimaced. "Just because it is gross does not mean it is funny."
"False."
"Humor is meant for the audience, is it not?"
"Not when I'm the only one I wanna amuse."
"That sounds about right for you," he said flatly. "Though I feel you're simply trying to derail this entire conversation."
"Well, duh," Lin replied. "I wasn't exactly hiding it." She suppressed a laugh at Shifu's annoyed grunt and twitchy ear. Even after all these years, getting on his nerves was still the best part of hanging around with him.
"You irritate me to no end," he grumbled. It had been so long since he'd admitted that out loud that she couldn't even remember the last time.
"Damn, I missed hearing that." Even though no one could read her mind, least of all Shifu, she was still embarrassed by the overwhelming amount of affection she felt toward him at that moment.
"You did?" He quickly forgot his irritation, brow furrowed, then shook his head. "Never mind that," he dismissed. "I want to go back to discussing this business of painting your house."
"Nothing's gonna happen when it's finished," Lin said, only half sure that was true. At its most mundane, completing the ocean mural would probably lead to a meditative vision. Or maybe the recovery of a lost memory.
"Perhaps, but better safe than sorry. Even if you do not want me there, I think it would be wise to enlist someone to back you up."
"Hell no. If I didn't want you knowing about the whole attempted suicide backstory, what makesya think I'd want anyone else finding out?"
"I understand that, but haven't you told anyone else?"
"Yeah, but-" Lin stopped there. She'd told Tai Lung, but he was no longer someone she could rely on. He might not even be redeemable anymore.
"But?"
"But it was Tai Lung," she said with a sigh.
"Oh." Shifu looked even more upset than she felt at the turn the conversation had taken. "I see."
"I used to tell him everything, pretty much." She figured that was pretty obvious by now, but she didn't know what else to say. "Figured trust would help and all. I guess it didn't. Anyway, we don't gotta talk about him."
"I know everything happening right now is difficult for you to discuss, but we are going to have to address Tai Lung eventually." He paused to squeeze his eyes shut and take a deep breath. "Let us focus on our most immediate issue. If there is no one else who knows the details of your past as I do, then I will accompany you when you complete your painting. Just in case. Please."
"Kinda hard to maintain an air of authority when you're begging like that, huh?"
"Lin."
"Alright, alright, fine," she conceded. "You can watch me paint, jeez."
"I know you are not quite ready to trust me again, but I promise you that you can rely on me. Just this once, at least."
"I said okay! Quit it!"
"Very well."
She jabbed a finger at him. "And you're carrying the ladder."
"Thank you for that honor," he said with a snort, then set off down the hall. "It will be this way."
"I'll wait for you here, servant," she said flippantly.
"Lin," he warned her in that clenched-asshole voice he got when she annoyed him.
With a roll of her eyes, she followed. Shifu led her to a room on the other side of the hall from his, one she had gotten used to ignoring. It was piled up with old boxes, shelves of disused scrolls, tools, and various odds and ends that had been left there to be forgotten.
"What's with all the scrolls?" Lin asked as Shifu extracted a ladder from the mess. "I thought there was a library."
"They-" He paused, his eyes darting to them and then back to her. "They are nothing. Don't-"
"Yoink," Lin announced when she grabbed one from the top of the pile. It had remained untouched for so long that it stiffly resisted when she unrolled it. She had honestly expected to find a stash of old dirty pictures or inventory lists, not the family portrait that greeted her. Shifu and Oogway with a baby Tai Lung, verdant peach blossoms adorning the borders. She let the portrait snap closed again and placed it back in the pile with the others. "Are these all family pictures?"
Shifu looked guilty. "Yes."
"Sorry I looked." She turned her back on him and returned to the main hall. She didn't want to see his face when she said this. "I told him he was dead to me." She couldn't keep the regret from seeping into her voice.
"I know." Shifu placed a hand on her shoulder. "I know why you said it. It's alright to feel the way you do."
"It doesn't feel alright to me." She finally looked at him, holding that stupid ladder for her, looking more concerned than hurt. "It's never gonna feel alright to me. I needya to understand that."
"I understand it more than you think." If there was a word for the heaviness and exhaustion in his voice, she sure as hell didn't know it.
Lin's jaw clenched, and she breathed deeply through her nose before she managed to force out the words she needed to say. The words she should have said a lot sooner, but she hadn't been ready to yet. Up until now, she had been pushing it all away for another time, unwilling to feel the emotions that would follow. "I need to see him."
"What?" Shifu looked alarmed, but he didn't deny her request. "Are you certain?"
"Yeah."
"Would you like me with you?"
Her resolve softened at his offer of support, so all she could do was shake her head. If she spoke, she might cry.
"Very well. Let me show you the way." Shifu set the ladder down and led her to a part of the Jade Palace she had never seen before, a chamber behind the thousand scrolls of kung fu, which led deep into the mountain. After descending what felt like the thousand stairs into the valley and then some, they reached a windowless stone hall carved into the mountain itself, lined with cells. Shifu took a lantern from the wall and handed it to her, then gestured to the cells. "He is the only one here. Are you certain you would not like me to stay?"
Lin nodded. She felt like her throat had closed up at just the idea of talking.
"Alright. I'll be upstairs, and if you shout I will be able to hear." He squeezed her shoulder, and then he left.
She must have stood there for only a minute, but it felt like hours. She didn't even know if she could bear to look in the cell in front of her and see Tai Lung in there. Her voice felt thick, like paste in her throat. "Hey."
"Hello?" The sad, confused reply came to her from the dark.
Lin finally looked up. Tai Lung sat in the cell before her, legs crossed in a meditative pose. Yet he looked tense, ready to run- not that he could. She didn't know what else to say. They sat in that tense silence, both either unable or unwilling to be the first to break it.
This had been a terrible idea. Lin didn't even know for sure what she was looking for. Remorse? Apologies? Closure? It all swirled together into some indistinct miasma inside her. It hurt in a way that reached her physically, her heart spreading its ache through every one of her muscles until she couldn't stand it anymore. She started to leave, but paused when she heard the sharp inhale of breath.
"I'm sorry," Tai Lung suddenly called out behind her, his voice desperate and raw. "I'm sorry."
She couldn't bring herself to listen to any more. She'd thought she would be ready, but maybe that time would never come. She scrambled up the stairs, out of the suffocating dungeon and away from those miserable pleas.
Everything felt like too much and not enough. Too much light, not enough air, too much noise, not enough ground beneath her feet. Everything ached and pulsed, her blood a river crashing through her, and nothing to hold her down.
"Are you going to be alright?" Shifu needed to work on not lurking and sneaking up on her.
"Yeah," Lin answered shortly, because what other choice did she have? Not being alright in the end had never been an option for her. She had to be alright, because the one time she hadn't been, it had almost killed her.
"I do not believe you, but very well." Shifu pulled her into a hug, holding her tight. It still surprised her that he showed affection so easily now. It surprised her that she liked it so much.
There were too many things that caught her off-guard these days. Too many unknowns, too much grief, too much of everything. And still her nerves were on fire, her muscles tight, demanding more than ever that the mural be completed. But maybe that was what she needed right now. Maybe it was less a supernatural imperative and more her mind's own way of giving her relief. Something to busy her, focus her, and let her forget for a little while all the troubles that had followed her to China.
Lin pulled away from the hug and started walking, wiping the tears from her face with her sleeve. "Don't forget the ladder."
Shifu followed after Lin as she painted, cleaning up the little house like her own personal maid.
"What're you even doing?"
"It is easiest to clean while working," he lectured.
"Not with paint," she argued.
"Perhaps I also need something to keep me busy at the moment," he admitted.
"Fair enough." Lin returned to painting her ceiling, all else forgotten until this task could be completed. Right now, this was her highest priority. The reason why would come along soon enough. Three coats of black adorned her floor, but the ceiling received only a base coat of black before she painted on two sheer coats. First an earthy green, and then a deep phthalo blue. After hours of work, her ocean was finally done. She dismounted the ladder with a groan, stretching and cracking her back.
"Hm. Nothing happened," Shifu said, his shoulders sagging in relief.
Lin watched the waves sway, carrying her away to that night, down beneath the ocean's weight. And there, deep within them, the spirit watched. "Yeah, I guess not."
"Would you like me to stay?"
"Nah. You can head out, I got it from here."
Shifu hesitated, watching her closely. "Are you certain?"
"Yeah," she said, though she knew she sounded distant. "Why you gotta act so protective, huh? I said it's fine."
"It is just that..." He paused, turning to look at the spirit, though she could tell he couldn't see it. "I feel like something horrible is lurking just around the corner, and I'm helpless to stop you from turning that corner and walking straight into it, even though I can see it clear as day. It's like one of those nightmares in which I lose my voice, or I am running too slowly."
"Wow."
"What?"
"You told me what you're feeling. In detail."
"So? Is that so unusual?"
Lin nodded.
"I am sorry for that," Shifu said, then took her hands in his and kissed them. "Promise me that you will fetch me if you need backup?"
"Promise," Lin lied.
"Alright."
Lin watched him go and waited until she was sure he was well out of earshot. Then she turned on the spirit. "What?" she screamed at it. "What? Just tell me what the hellya want!"
It continued to stare, silent, unblinking, unreactive. It was almost as if it were... Frozen in time. Could that be possible? Was she looking at the past? If so, it would figure. She was just being forced to stare straight into the one thing she never wanted to so much as glance back at again.
Well, if she had to stare at the past, she could at least stare at a part of it that was a little gentler in nature. She lifted her crate table and pulled out her old notebook. She turned the pages slowly, reading through all those old songs she had written with Al. Most of them love songs, of course. Stupid.
Lin hated how much Al had been on her mind lately. From the scent of roasted chestnuts in the air reminding her of how he had first shared them with her, to Rahim turning up out of the blue and dredging up the past. Her memories haunted her relentlessly, no matter how much wine she tried to drown them in. She turned the notebook to a page where the spine had been cracked. And she looked.
"Oh, Al." She touched the portrait, drawn long ago, the paper faded and the ink smudged. But still, it was Al. Just as she remembered him. "You were my whole heart. What am I supposed to do without you?" She'd been asking that question for so long that she was starting to think she'd never stop. She thought this would end up the way it always had, with her ugly crying until her throat was raw, but for once in her life, she had no tears left. It had been almost four years. Al wouldn't be coming back. She wouldn't ever see him again, except in her own memory. And she had to find a way to be at least a little bit alright with that.
She didn't even know where to start. But for the first time, she wanted to try. Really try, not just forget and act like it never happened until she crumbled again. She had no idea how, though. She glanced up at the ocean spirit, still in those dark depths. "Got any ideas?" she asked it. Of course, it didn't answer. "Figures." She grabbed Al's old calabash pipe and smoked it as she looked at the portrait, really remembering. On purpose, this time.
And yes, her heart hurt remembering those good days with him. But she also smiled at the memory of his silliness. How they would tease each other. All the fun they'd had bar hopping and making music and dancing together. All the times they had played in the snow in winter and lounged around fanning each other in summer. His smile, his laugh, waking up in the mornings curled around each other. It ached, but it made her happy. Nostalgic.
Maybe this was healing. No less painful, but easier to appreciate all the good she'd had. But still, she could only handle so much at a time. She closed the notebook and put it away before that ache became overwhelming. She missed Al so much, even all these years later. Lin couldn't help remembering the last time she had ever held him, not knowing she'd never get another chance. She had done so much wrong, strung him along for so many years, caused so much pain. She had so many regrets. And here she was, doing the same thing over again to Shifu, like she couldn't even help it. But she could help it, couldn't she? She stood and walked outside to get some fresh air, stretch her legs, try to clear her head.
And still, the ocean spirit watched.
So she kept walking. She knew what needed to be done.
Shifu had thought when he'd left Lin behind at her little house that he would not be seeing her again for some time. So he busied himself training with his students and discussing various strategies to fight against an enemy armed with guns. They would likely need to make use of some guerilla warfare techniques rather than facing their opponent head-on as usual. And of course, having scouts would prove valuable- due to their speed and skill, he chose Crane to scout for them on the battleground from the sky, and Viper to scout from the ground. The Wu Sisters and Boqin were already proving themselves valuable allies with their intel on the armaments and techniques of Zhengsheng and the ninety-nine wolf bandits. Their fighting styles blended well with the Furious Five's. That would make things easier on the battlefield.
When they had all exhausted themselves with training, he made quick work of excusing himself. With all that had happened these last days, he would prefer a simple dinner alone in his room, perhaps with some soothing oolong tea.
He nearly jumped out of his skin when he walked into his room to find Lin there waiting for him. Just as she had when she'd been painting, she looked a bit dazed and glassy-eyed. He knew this wasn't the effect of alcohol, and he worried for her. "Lin? Didn't you want to be alone?"
"Yeah," she said shortly, with no elaboration on why she had made the trek straight back to the Jade Palace.
"Alright, then." He waited for something, but she only kept staring past him, as though there were someone standing just behind him. He could not help but look, just to be sure. Of course, they were alone. "I should make us some tea," he concluded.
"No," Lin said, holding a hand up. "I'm not staying long."
"Oh." He stepped around her. "At least allow me to change into some clean clothes, then." He darted deeper into his room, shutting the door to the sitting area where Lin still stood. She didn't move a single muscle the whole time he spent changing. It unnerved him. When he joined her, she looked at him with a little more focus, her expression a blend of sadness and affection that he had unfortunately become accustomed to. "Are you certain you wouldn't like to sit for a while?"
Lin shook her head. "There's so much we keep putting off talking about," she blurted. "I don't wanna put it off anymore."
"Ah. I see." He stepped closer to her and placed a hand on her shoulder in what he hoped was a comforting gesture. "I know it is still difficult for you to discuss Tai Lung."
"That's not- I mean- yeah, okay, it is." She paused, clenching her jaw.
Shifu decided to take that as a sign to gently move the conversation forward. "I know I thanked you for protecting Tigress, but I do not think I ever thanked you for everything you did for Tai Lung."
"Don't thank me," Lin said with a sigh. She sounded as ragged as he felt. "I'm Tai Lung's teacher, and it was partly my job to keep him in line. He failed because I failed."
He knew exactly how she felt in that moment. He had blamed himself for Tai Lung's rampage in the same way while also grieving the loss of his son. "When I said the same thing to you, you told me I was not to blame for an adult's decisions. That goes for you, as well. Tai Lung attacked Tigress because he chose to do so. That is not your fault."
"Then why's it feel like it is?" Her eyes were watery, but when he offered her his handkerchief, she didn't take it. "I came here to tellya the truth. That I screwed everything up. You dunno how bad I messed up. I didn't wanna tellya 'cause I knew how mad you'd be."
"I am not angry with you." He took Lin's hand in his, prepared for her to shrink away. He was relieved when she didn't. "I am guessing when you say you messed up, it has to do with those visions. But I promise you, I won't get angry, no matter what it is you have to tell me."
"They were my visions first," she said, and how he managed to remain stoic, he did not know. "My memories. And Oogway came to me in those visions. He said Tai Lung wasn't open to him or something. And I tried, but I couldn't handle it. Every vision was horrible. They opened all these old wounds, and I just... Couldn't. I ran away. I'm sorry. It was my responsibility, and I ruined everything-"
"Stop," he ordered, and wrapped her in a tight embrace. "Please don't be so hard on yourself. You did your best. I know you must have, because you always do. You should have never had to bear that burden alone." He could tell from the way she shook that Lin was crying now. It pained him to think that she had been too afraid to tell him the truth all this time, that she had gone through something so clearly difficult alone, and that through it all she had blamed herself. It also pained him, in that selfish part of his heart, that if he had been more trustworthy, he could have shared in this small piece of his master's return.
"You're not mad about Oogway?"
"No. If he chose to appear to you, it was for a reason. I wish he had come to me as well, but that has nothing to do with you. Alright?" He realized as she cried harder that this was a release for her. As stubbornly as Lin held onto her secrets, she had needed to share this with him. "I'm so sorry. I'd never meant to make you afraid of me." In the end, he had to admit that this was what lay at the center of their problems. Lin, at least in some capacity, feared him. And every time he'd taken his anger out on her, he had justified that fear. "I'm sorry it took me so long to realize. I'm sorry for being such a fool."
She didn't seem to be able to respond, so he waited for her. "I was scared for you," she finally said with a pathetic sniff, and Shifu almost cried himself at that. She buried her face in his shoulder to cry more, and he gladly let her soak his shirt.
"Lin, you do not need to worry about me," he reassured her. "I am the Grand Master of kung fu for a reason."
She pulled away from him and swiped at her face with her sleeve. "You don't get it," she said nasally. "I can't expectya to understand. You're the one people always rely on, the one always protecting everyone else. I wanted to protect you. And I would. I woulda got in Tai Lung's way for anyone, but you're the one I was really scared of losing."
"Oh, Lin." He pulled her into another embrace, touched by the sentiment. Maybe this was it- the moment she forgave him once and for all. "I feel the same way for you. I never want to see you hurt again, especially by me. And I don't ever want to make you cry again, except out of happiness." He hated the circumstances of this emotional moment. He hated that this openness had come at the expense of his son's freedom. But at least it eased his grief a little bit, finally getting to see Lin's soft-hearted center that she'd kept buried under so many defensive layers.
"I don't wanna hurt you again, either. That's why- that's why- fuck, this's so hard." She paused to continue crying, which for her involved a lot of gasping for air and loud sobbing. He gave her time to calm herself, and his handkerchief, which she took this time. "I can't do this anymore."
"You- what?" Shifu coughed out, stunned.
"Look, there's this big battle on the horizon, Tai Lung's in jail, my friend's essentially homeless- we both got a lot on our plates and that all has to come first. And our thing that's just supposed to be sex, it's getting..." She paused and let out a frustrated sigh. "Complicated."
"It's not that complicated," he argued. "I love you! That's simple enough!"
"But I don't know how I feel!" Lin shouted. She stopped again and looked away. "It's not right for me to stringya along when I know perfectly well thatya want more'n I can give. It's hurting you. I'm hurting you. And yeah, before I was so angry that I didn't give a crap, but I'm not angry anymore, and I can't keep doing this shit to you. Whatever happened between us, however you hurt me in the past, you still don't deserve to be treated the way I'm treating you. So no more. I'm ending it."
"Don't I get a say?" He asked desperately. "Don't I get to ask you to stay? I am an adult, dammit! And I can handle a little pain!"
"It's not little," Lin told him gently. "I know that, 'cause I've been where you are. And it's hurting me, too. Not in a little way, either. Please, just... Forget about me, okay?"
"Never. You're too important to me." He tried to keep his voice steady, but it was starting to sink in that Lin was serious about this. "Please," he begged one more time.
She used her sleeve to wipe her eyes. "I'm sorry. I dunno what else to say. I dunno what else to do."
"I don't, either," he admitted. "We are both bad at this sort of thing."
"I'm gonna miss you," Lin said, her voice hoarse.
"Lin, if you're going to miss me and you care enough about me that this is making you cry-"
"Don't," she interrupted nasally.
"You do care for me, don't you?" he asked. "Please, at least tell me that."
"Yuhuh," she said with a loud sniff. "But I need more time to figure things out. I can't expect you to wait around for me. And I can't just dangle the possibility that maybe when I finally do figure things out I'll want a relationship in front ofya like a carrot. It's not right."
"I don't care." Shifu took his handkerchief back from Lin and used it to help her wipe away some of her once more copious tears. He could feel his own eyes stinging, too, but he did his best to keep himself together. "I don't care what's right. I care about being with you."
"You're a kung fu master! Your whole life's literally about caring what's right!"
"This is different!"
"Is it?" She pushed his handkerchief away and took a step back. "You need to think of yourself the same way you'd think of anyone else. You'd want what's right for another person. Want it for yourself, too. Recognize that you're as worth protecting as anyone else. That's what I think, anyway."
He stared at her as her words hit him. She'd never said anything like that to him before. The only person who had ever spoken to him that way had been Oogway. It was nice to be reminded of Oogway, even in such a painful moment. Lin had a point, too. "I know you're right. But that doesn't change how I feel."
"I figured." Lin shrugged, and it seemed more an expression of helplessness than carelessness. "I'll still seeya around. I'm still gonna fight. But this's what's best for us both right now. So... Yeah. Seeya." With one last sniff, she left him.
So, he did what he had planned to do. He made himself some oolong tea. Despite his heart tearing itself apart, there was still one thread of hope he held onto. Lin had done this because she cared for him. She had done it because she wanted to do the right thing for him. And that thought comforted him more than any amount of tea. There was still hope.
A/N: This chapter was a doozy for me! I think most of these end ones will be, since at a certain point I kind of stopped thinking I'd get to the end, haha. Anyway, sorry for once more falling off the face of the earth- I broke my hand and then as soon as it healed enough to type I used my power to move 6k miles away and it's been an ADJUSTMENT. Like, I keep forgetting I'm in the middle of the ocean, but... I sure am! Wow!
Anyway, there are two references of note here: the title of the chapter is a quote from Lin Yutang, whose many food-related quotes pop up fairly often around here. And the line "never make you cry except from happiness" is from one of the greatest movies ever made, To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. You may recognize it from earlier in the fic as well if you are a more frequent reader than I am a chapter poster. See you all next time, and as always, thank you for reading and commenting!