Chapter 20 (Surviving)

"Since", Sirius is my daughter's godfather." Lily sat down, putting down a tray of drinks on the table. "I think he might want name her."

Both James and Sirius turned in her direction. They didn't know she heard everything last night. James nodded and quickly turned his gaze towards his daughter. It was difficult to look away from her. She was beautiful. It had only been six days since her birth and everyday James thought he couldn't love her anymore than he did. But, everyday he woke up with himself proven wrong.

"I am the godmother!" Alice Longbottom demanded. "Don't I get a say in it?"

"No."

Lily laughed, so did everyone else.

"Rose." Sirius said, quietly. "Her name should be Rose."

"Rose it is." Lily smiled.

Rose Adriana Potter, it had a nice ring to it. Everyone thought Sirius picked the name Rose because her mother was Lily and it felt like a nice symmetry to it. But, only James knew he picked it because Adriana's middle name was Rose. He couldn't bring himself to say Adriana because it would bring up so many memories.

"To Rose." Sirius rose a glass. "And, a long, happy life for you, the most important girl in my life." Holding the baby in arms.

"To Rose." The rest of the party raised their glasses.

Lily had a few more days off with her daughter but then again her life would belong to the Order once more. She was worried about James and Sirius. This was the first time he had started talking in his sleep again. The last time was when his parents died but she didn't know about it then. This time Sirius was affected too. Both of them slept uncomfortably but woke up smiling. They tried to show they were okay but Lily knew better. They didn't talk about it. But, they didn't have to. Lily could see it in their eyes. She had no idea how important Rainie was. That morning a parcel came for James and Sirius, something James told her to expect. Hogwarts Express had sorted out the things of the victims of the Death Eater attack and the belongings were being returned to their parents. She took the trunk inside and opened it. A stack of official documents were placed neatly in a corner. She took it out. She found a notice of emancipation. Sirius had gotten her emancipated from the Black family……she realized a lot of things in the moment. The deed of the Potter manor was in Sirius's name. She had asked many times why James would give his house up. But, he always made up some excuse. It was for her. The government wouldn't release Rainie into their custody if Sirius didn't have a permanent residence. She took out another paper. It was her registration at Hogwarts.

"Guardians: Sirius Black, James Potter."

"Oh god…" She sat down.

Secrets….. so many secrets. Each time she unfolded one of her husband's secrets she found him to be an amazing man. She was crying when James came back.

"Hey…" He saw her sitting in the living room, going through Rainie's stuff and crying. "Hey, hey…what happened?"

He sat down on the floor in front of her.

"How do you live like this?" She asked, sniffling. "I know you loved her very much….I didn't love her. Not like you anyways. And, I have been sitting here for hours."

"Oh.." James sat on the sofa and took her into arms.

This was a first for Lily. She had not seen anyone die. Not yet anyways.

"How do you live, James?" She really wanted to know.

His parents were dead. A woman he once loved died right in front of him. A girl he loved like a sister died. He hosted three funerals for four people in his home. She understood why he screamed in his sleep sometimes. She understood why he didn't want to sleep anymore.

"Time will heal our pain." She said.

It was perhaps a hope.

"Oh no," James shook his head. "Time only numbs it. So does alcohol."

She looked at him. His face had a permanent look of hurt. His eyes were dulled. His smiles were scarce. She realized that she hadn't seen him smile in ages. The jokes were gone. The world was indeed a cruel place.

"But, one day….you are just sitting." His face was buried in her hair. "And, the little things remind you of the people that were supposed to be here."

She didn't say anything.

"Honestly, if it weren't for you and Rose." His voice was barely audible………but she heard her anyway. "I'd kill myself already."

He heard Rose crying in the nursery and he walked away.