Trigger/content warning: mentions of pregnancy loss, mentions of self-harm

It started slowly, unintentionally. Hot showers turned into hot baths, with the temperature increasing each time I stepped into the tub. Dimitri had scheduled weekly sessions with Mackenzie, and without fail, after every session, I would sequester myself in the bathroom. Dimitri quickly realized that I needed the time to myself and would take care of Katerina and Levi during those times. I was grateful that the weather outside allowed me to wear sweats and long sleeves and hide how red my skin was every time I came out of the bathroom. The material of my clothes rubbed in the best way against my agitated skin, the pain grounding me throughout the day. It didn't take long for one daily bath to turn into a bath and a shower and then into two baths.

A month passed in a blur of monotonous existence. Every day was nearly the same: wake up, go to class, take care of Katerina and Levi, take a bath, and go to bed. Sessions with Mackenzie were tossed in, but the sessions didn't do anything to prevent me from slipping further into the hold that depression had on me. Despite Dimitri's watchful eye, my appetite had disappeared after the first week, and I could feel myself slipping back into my old habits. If he noticed, he didn't say anything, but it didn't escape my notice that he started coordinating breakfast and dinner as family meals, ones that I couldn't escape from.

I woke to the feeling of light kisses being pressed against the back of my neck. I rolled over, meeting Dimitri's gaze.

"Good morning," I murmured.

"Good morning, Roza," Dimitri whispered back.

He partially sat up, leaning over me to kiss me. I kissed him back, wrapping my arms around his neck. Dimitri shifted again, hovering over me completely. As he moved, I felt his erection against my leg and froze, pushing Dimitri away from me a moment later.

"Roza?"

"I can't," I whispered. "Please don't make me."

Dimitri recoiled as if I had hit him. "What?"

"I shouldn't have said that," I said.

"Have I ever made you feel that you have to have sex with me?" Dimitri asked, keeping his distance.

I shook my head. "No, you haven't. I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that."

"Have you talked to Mackenzie—"

I groaned, cutting him off. "I'm tired of talking to Mackenzie. It hasn't helped anything."

"Rose, if your brain equates our sexual intimacy with your trauma from Adrian, then I think you need to talk to a professional."

"Oh, so you're a therapist now?" I snapped.

Dimitri's eyes widened. "I don't know if you're purposefully trying to pick a fight, but I don't think this conversation is productive for either of us. Maybe we both need to take a moment."

"I thought sex wasn't a dealbreaker," I said coldly.

"It's not," Dimitri said calmly. "But I think you still need to find the root of the issue."

I rolled my eyes and climbed out of the bed. "I'm taking a shower."

Dimitri wasn't in the bedroom when I came out of the bathroom. I dressed quickly and ran a brush through my hair before walking downstairs. Dimitri had breakfast on the table, with Levi strapped into his highchair, and Katerina strapped into her booster seat. Both kids had finished their breakfast, and Dimitri was in the process of cleaning their hands. He looked up as I walked into the dining room but said nothing. He lifted Katerina from her booster, and she ran to me, throwing her arms around my legs.

"Mama! Good morning."

"Good morning, baby," I said, bending down to kiss her. When I stood, Dimitri had finished cleaning up Levi. "I'm taking the kids to daycare."

I unbuckled Levi from his highchair and rested him on my hip before grabbing Katerina's hand. I walked out the front door without waiting for Dimitri to say anything. I didn't purposefully slam the door behind me, but I didn't prevent it from slamming.

I quickly strapped both kids into their car seats, and as I backed out of the driveway, Katerina spoke up from the backseat.

"Mama? Are you okay?"

"Yes, baby," I said. "Mama's fine."

After I dropped Katerina and Levi off at daycare, I drove aimlessly around Austin. I had no destination in mind; I just knew I didn't want to return home.

Dimitri had texted a couple of times since I had left the house, and it wasn't until his last message told me that he was leaving for work – and that he loved me – that I turned back towards our house. When I got back, the house was quiet and empty, and I sighed in relief.

I crawled into the bed, turning on the TV. I flipped aimlessly through shows available on streaming before picking one from my watchlist at random. It didn't take long for me to fall asleep, the sound of the TV acting as white noise.

When I woke, I felt unsettled but wasn't sure why. I was too hot under the covers and quickly kicked them off. My heart was pounding, and my legs were itching to run. I stood up shakily, and the world spun. My head started pounding almost immediately, and I stumbled away from the bed and into the bathroom to find some Tylenol. The bottle was on the counter, and once I got the lid off, I swallowed two pills dry.

I wandered back into the bedroom and contemplated crawling back into bed. Instead, I pulled a pair of leggings from one drawer and a sports bra and tank top from another. I dressed quickly and grabbed my AirPods from the top of the dresser before leaving the house.

I jogged down the street and ran through the neighborhood. I didn't stop until I ran through the entire neighborhood, and my legs shook. I entered the house through the garage, and before I could stop myself, I grabbed a pocketknife from the small tool chest in the corner before making my way into the house.

I kicked my shoes off at the door and quickly made my way to the bathroom. I turned on the water in the tub, filling it, as I stripped my workout clothes off and tossed them in our laundry bin. I put the knife next to the tub and climbed into the scorching water as soon as the tub was full enough.

I wasn't sure how long I soaked in the water before I reached out of the tub to grab the knife. I held it in my hand, staring at it. I didn't hear the front door close, and a moment later, Dimitri stood in the bathroom doorway. He was across the bathroom instantly; a second later, the knife in my hand was in his.

"Why do you have this?" Dimitri asked softly.

I stared at Dimitri with wide eyes. "What are you doing here?"

"I didn't like the way we left things this morning. I had to come home." He knelt next to the tub, repeating his question. "Why do you have this?"

"It's not what you think," I whispered.

"'Not what I think'?" Disbelief crossed his face, and another emotion flashed across his face far too quickly for me to identify. "Because I think that it's exactly what I think." He stood. "I can't watch you do this to yourself."

"Dimitri, please," I pleaded, also standing. I immediately grabbed a towel, covering my body. I stepped out of the tub, reaching out to Dimitri, but he backed up. Tears filled my eyes. "I love you," I whispered, my voice cracking.

"I love you too, but I won't just stand by and let you hurt yourself without doing anything."

"What?"

"I don't know what happens next, but I'm going to go find out, and then I'm taking you to the hospital."

"No, Dimitri, you can't. Please." Tears made tracks down my face, and fear blacked out part of my vision. My heart raced, and my chest constricted as the panic attack hit me. "You can't do that. I won't go. I don't want to go!"

"Why not?" he demanded. "You're hurting, and this will help you."

"No, it won't. I promise I'll stop. I won't do it anymore. Any of it!"

"Any of it?" Dimitri said, catching the last bit. "What else have you been doing?"

I glanced down at the bath, suddenly conscious of the fact that my skin was still red from the scalding water. Dimitri must have followed my glance because a moment later, he bent over, sticking his hand into the water. I could tell by the look on his face that the water was still hot. He grabbed my hand, flipping it over to see how wrinkled my fingers were.

"Rose, how long have you been in there?" Dimitri asked. "How hot was that water originally?"

I shook my head. "I'm sorry."

"Roza," Dimitri whispered, "you don't need to be sorry. I just want to help you. How long has this been going on? Have you used this recently?" He gestured to the knife, now sitting on the counter.

I shook my head again. "No."

"When did this start?" Dimitri asked, leaning against the bathroom counter.

"I need to get dressed," I said, abruptly aware that I was still in a towel.

Dimitri followed me out of the bathroom, and I turned away from him as I dressed quickly in sweats and a t-shirt. I hung the towel in the bathroom before walking back into the bedroom and sitting cross-legged on the bed.

"How long has this been going on?" Dimitri repeated, sitting on the bed next to me.

I shrugged. "A month or so."

I watched him do the math in his head. "Since the loss?"

I shrugged again.

"How are you feeling right now?"

"I'm fine."

"Rose." His voice was pained. "You're not."

"Dimitri," I whispered. "Drop it. Please."

He smiled sadly. "I can't, Rose. You're hurting yourself."

I didn't say anything. There was no denying it; Dimitri had seen me in the immediate aftereffect of self-harming and was probably close to seeing it again had he not walked in when he did.

"I can't bear you hurting yourself like this," Dimitri said.

"Good thing that you're not the one actually bearing it then, right?" I snapped. "It's not like I'm cutting you."

"Seeing you hurt like this does make me hurt. Maybe not physically, but it still hurts."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"We have to," Dimitri said.

I didn't say anything, and instead, I got off the bed and moved to leave the room.

"Wait, Rose." Dimitri leaped off the bed after me and wrapped his hand around my wrist. "I don't want to fight with you. I just want you to be safe."

"I'm not an idiot, Dimitri. I don't want to die; I know what I'm doing."

"Oh, really, you know what you're doing? Remind me again how I found you when you first came to Austin? Sitting in the bathtub full of blood? Was that how I would have found you here if I had gotten here any later?" The words left his mouth rapidly, and his eyes widened as he realized what he said.

My jaw dropped. "Fuck you," I snapped.

I bolted for the front door, slamming it behind me. I started walking away from the house as quickly as I could. I needed space.

"Rose! Please wait!"

I kept walking, ignoring him as he got closer. It didn't take long for Dimitri to catch up to me with his longer stride. He grabbed my wrist again, bringing me to a halt and turning me to face him. He stared at me in silence, and I started to pull away.

"I'm sorry." He blurted the words out, and his grip tightened slightly, keeping me there. "I shouldn't have said that. It was rude and inconsiderate."

I pulled my arm out of his grip and folded my arms across my chest. "You think?"

"I wasn't thinking," he murmured. "I'm sorry."

"You should be," I snapped.

"I'm not blind, Rose. I've noticed things since the loss. I thought I was doing the right thing by not bringing it up, by letting you heal in your own way. But I see now that that was the wrong decision. I didn't know it had gotten this bad," Dimitri said. "I can't stand the thought of you hurting yourself. It keeps me up at night sometimes."

"Dimitri, it's not going to happen again."

"How do you know that?"

"Because I'm not going to let it happen again."

"Not going to let it happen again?" he scoffed. "How can you be sure?"

My eyes narrowed. "You don't trust me."

"Of course I trust you! This isn't about trust. It's about not wanting to see my wife hurting!"

"I know how much pain I can take. I've had a lot of practice at it over the past few years."

He groaned again and raked his hands through his hair. "You aren't understanding!"

"I'm understanding perfectly fine."

"No, you're not! I know how you think, Rose! I know that the only thing you understand is how to avoid getting caught next time."

I glared at him, and he glared right back. The staring contest continued between us until he sighed and broke the silence. "Will you please start seeing Makenzie more often?"

"No."

I knew I was acting petulant, but I couldn't care less now. Dimitri's eyes flared, and his jaw locked. He sighed again.

"You have two options, Rose," Dimitri said quietly. "You need to start seeing Makenzie or another therapist regularly, or we're going to the hospital where they'd probably check you into an in-patient program. And if you don't choose, I'll choose for you."