Christmas at Hogwarts is truly wonderful. Professor Flitwick transformed the Great Hall into a winter wonderland. He charmed the ceiling to snow, covered the walls with towers of ice, and covered the floor with thick beds of snow that didn't melt, leaving a path from the entrance to the table. Hagrid's twelve giant Christmas trees filled the room, adorned with beautiful twinkling lights and little tufts of snow on the ends of each branch. More importantly, despite the frosty interior, the Great Hall was as warm as always.
I couldn't help but feel disappointed that I hadn't had the chance to see it sooner. However, that thought was quickly chased away by the fact that this will be my first Christmas away from my family. I have tried not to think about how much I miss them all too much, but every day it seems to get harder. Now, on Christmas Eve, I am feeling more heartbroken and resentful than ever. I know it is nobody's fault, not even my own; I am simply resentful of my situation.
"Are you alright?" Severus' voice broke me from my reverie. "I'm fine." We were sitting on the loveseat in front of my fireplace, curled up with a cup of tea. He was reading, or at least I thought he was, and I was leaning against him, staring blankly at the crackling hearth. The students and staff are out in Hogsmeade, so we finally have the chance to be completely alone for a few hours. "Try again." He shifted slightly, and I turned to face him.
Since the night I almost drowned, Severus has been helping me block him out. I built my drawers up higher and am able to store just about everything in them, even the smallest thoughts. He says it is for the best – not because he wants me to keep my sex fantasies to myself, but because I need to be stronger with my mind. If I can manage to keep him out when I want to, I will be able to keep anyone out. We are only able to keep our thoughts to ourselves, though. Our feelings are forever on display.
"It's my first Christmas away from my family." He had placed his book on the coffee table beside him, and I am not sure how long he had been reading my emotions instead. He took my empty cup from my hands and sat it next to his book. "I'm sorry. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you." He felt guilty, and it made me feel even worse. "It's not your fault, Sev. It's not anyone's fault. It's just hard, that's all." As I laid my head against his chest, he wrapped an arm around my back and started tracing his fingers lazily up and down.
"Do you usually go home for Christmas?" I realised I didn't have a clue what he did on his holidays. "Sometimes." I got the sense that this might be a touchy subject for him. "Does your family not celebrate?" His body tensed slightly, and his hand that was stroking my back stilled. I wanted to look at him, but I knew he was more inclined to share if he wasn't looking at me. Several moments passed before his hand began to roam my back once more.
"I do not have family, so no, they do not." My heart sank. How could I be so insensitive? I lifted my head from his chest and straightened up, causing his hand to drop from my back. I opened my mouth to apologise, but he sensed this. "I do not need your sympathies, darling. It is all in the past." Merlin, he knows just about everything there is to know about me, and I don't know a single thing about him. I frowned when he chuckled lightly.
"Even if I could not feel your emotions, I would still be able to know what you're feeling. Your face is like an open book." He reached up and eased the crease in my brow. "I don't know anything about you." I admitted, though I knew I didn't need to. We sat for a moment just looking at each other, and I shivered when his hand dropped to cup my cheek. I climbed up to my knees and swung one leg over his lap to sit astride him.
He quirked an eyebrow and smirked. He knew I wasn't attempting anything untoward; I simply wanted to be closer. "You know more than most." His hands dropped to rest on my hips. I pursed my lips slightly, knowing that he was trying to avoid this conversation. After another long moment of silence, he sighed. "My mother died when I was young, and she was my only family."
My heart ached for him. I knew he was a lonely man, but I never realised that he was also alone. "I'm sorry." I cupped his cheeks. My hands were quite small in comparison to his face, so my thumbs barely reached the underside of his cheekbone. "I do not need your –" I cut him off by pressing my lips against his. I gave him a few soft pecks before leaning back. "I know, but you have them anyway." I smiled softly and dropped my hands to rest on his chest.
I will never get used to being with him in this way. Everyone in this school is too afraid to even speak to him in class, even if they are simply answering a question. No one in their right mind would willingly choose to be alone with him, and they would sooner tango with a Blast-Ended Skrewt than touch him, as I am now. I must admit, it makes me feel rather smug to walk the halls of this castle, knowing that he makes me tremble with exhilaration while he makes everyone else tremble with fear.
He traced his hands up my hips, over my waist, and up to rest on either side of my neck. He wove his fingers through my hair, and I shivered. My eyes fluttered closed as I felt him draw me into his mouth. I whimpered when his tongue traced along my bottom lip. As I welcomed him into my mouth, I couldn't help but moan and roll my hips slightly, grasping hold of his robes. I know he was trying to distract me from asking anymore questions, but right now, I don't care.
I didn't feel his hand move away from my neck until it slipped under my jumper and traced up my stomach. When his broad hand cupped my breast, he groaned. I will never tire of hearing his reactions to my body. I let out a small yelp as I felt him pinch my nipple, and my core throbbed. I scooted forwards so I was perched above his cock, and I moaned at how hard he was already. I knew I was dripping, too.
I knew he didn't want to go too far, but the thought that there were only a few pieces of fabric keeping his cock from slipping straight into me was driving me wild. I whined in protest when his hand released my tit and he pulled back from my lips, which were now red and swollen. "I don't mean to cut this short, darling." He placed another quick peck on my lips. "But Albus is expecting us."
I huffed and climbed off of his lap. "Great, so now we have to go see the headmaster while I am dripping wet, and you've got a raging boner." I stomped over to my wardrobe and rolled my eyes when I heard him chuckle. "It's not funny, Severus!" I pulled out some jeans and a fresh pair of knickers. As I am only wearing track pants, I would have needed to change anyway. He approached me from behind, wrapped his arm around my stomach, and leant down so his lips were right behind my ear. "Sorry, darling." Shivers shot down my spine, and I had to suppress another moan.
"Stop it!" I tried to wriggle out of his grip. When he didn't release me, I arched my back and rubbed my ass against his dick, which was still semi-hard. He growled and spun me around, both hands holding onto my arms, keeping me at a safe distance. "You started it." I huffed and broke free of his hold. "Perhaps not the best timing on my part." He smirked. "You think?" I couldn't help but smile. He's so infuriating sometimes, but I can't get enough.
"I will meet you at Dumbledore's office. And before you ask, no, we cannot walk up together." He leant over and stole a final kiss before walking to the fireplace and disappearing. I'm not entirely sure what this meeting with Dumbledore is about. After Severus told me he would start training me to better close my mind, he mentioned something about working more closely with Albus. He didn't specify what work we would be doing, and it made my stomach churn. Though I trust both men completely, I still don't like being kept in the dark.
I redressed, straightened out my slightly tussled hair, and began my ascent to the seventh floor. In any other case, I would rush to meet Dumbledore, but today my knees trembled with apprehension. He is a wise man, but he is not a Legilimens. How could he help me further than Severus or my grandmother had? What caused my hands to shake was not the fear of the unknown, however. It was because this would be the first time that Severus and I would be alone with Albus.
We had both spoken to him individually when our bond first emerged, but we never sat down and discussed it together. With everything that has happened, I have not put much thought into how accepting he is. I am sure Severus has spoken to him a number of times, but how much has he told him? I doubt he has admitted to having tasted every inch of my body. I huffed in annoyance for not thinking to ask him what Albus already knew before he left my room.
I don't know how long I've been standing in front of the gargoyle. All I knew was that I had zoned out and that my eyes had gone dry. "Are you going to join us, or are you going to stand there all day?" Severus' voice rang in my head. Though he was several flights of stairs above me, I knew he was smirking. I rolled my eyes, muttered "sherbet lemon", and stepped onto the spiralling staircase.
The door to Dumbledore's office was already open, and he was seated at his desk with Severus sitting opposite him. "Good afternoon, Hazel. Thank you for coming." His blue eyes twinkled over his half-moon glasses. "Please sit." He motioned to a chair next to Severus. "Good afternoon, Professors." I smiled at Dumbledore and nodded towards Severus as I sat down. "Formalities are hardly necessary, Hazel." Dumbledore chuckled, and I knew Severus was smirking again.
I couldn't help but blush. The thought of using Severus' first name in front of the headmaster made my skin crawl. We sat in silence as Albus poured us each a cup of tea, and my leg started to bounce. "What does he know?" I fought the urge to look at Severus as I frantically sought answers. "He knows that when we touch, there is a surge of magic. But he does not know the many places I have touched you." It took every ounce of strength I had not to laugh, but even more so not to whimper.
I was about to snap at him to stop making this harder than it needed to be when Albus broke the silence. "I trust you are coping well with your bond with Severus, Hazel." He sipped his tea, eyeing me. I had to bite my cheek to keep myself from fidgeting. "It is tolerable." I couldn't help but smirk when he grinned. "Tolerable is far better than his usual attitude." His eyes flicked to Severus, and he huffed in response.
"We have not brought you here to discuss your bond, though it will play a part, of course." He began. "I assume you recall our conversation regarding The Order." I nodded hesitantly. "The Order of the Phoenix was formed during the first Wizarding War, when Voldemort was first terrorising our world. Many brave wizards and witches banded together to fight against him, and many lost their lives." My heart rate increased slightly as he continued on, and I knew Severus had felt my rising nerves. I longed to reach out and feel the heat of his skin as his fingers intwined with mine.
"The original Order consisted of many names you are familiar with: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Alistair Moody, even Hagrid." The faces I saw in Severus' mind suddenly made sense. "Harry's parents, Lily and James Potter, were among the many who lost their lives." I felt Severus' heart sink, and a wave of guilt flooded over him. I thought he hated James; why did he feel guilty for his death? I glanced at him briefly, but his eyes were cast down to his hands clasped in his lap.
"The Order has been formed once again since Voldemort's return." He paused and turned to look at Severus. "I believe you are also familiar with Severus' status among both sides of the pending war." I nodded. When Albus didn't continue, I turned to look at Severus. This time, I wasn't trying to keep my glance brief. After a few long moments of uneasy silence, he finally met my gaze.
"There is not much we are certain of in regard to our bond. But we must assume that you are to play a role in the war." His eyes were piercing into mine, trying to find any hint of fear. I wasn't afraid; I was simply confused. "To keep you safe, Albus and I have discussed your potential induction into The Order." My jaw dropped, and my brows furrowed. "My induction?" I wasn't processing what he was saying. They want me to join The Order?
"I believe that with my close involvement with the Dark Lord, it is likely I will put you in more danger than the war alone." I couldn't speak; none of this is making any sense. "In addition, it has been apparent since the moment we both almost died that there may come a time where you will need to accompany me when I am called to his side." I started to dig my nails into my palms. First The Order, and now Voldemort? My head is spinning.
The room fell silent, waiting for me to respond. "You want me to join The Order and become a Death Eater?" Severus flinched at my question. "Certainly not, Hazel." His words were stern, but his voice was soft. I shook my head, trying to clear the fog that had spread through it, and looked down at my lap. "Then what do you want from me?" I was becoming impatient. There was clearly something he was trying to avoid, and I hate suspense more than anything.
"We believe your skills will be of great use. Both to The Order and to the Dark Lord." And there it was. The elephant that I was blind to just fell from the sky and landed straight on my chest. "Like my grandmother did." It wasn't a question, but I saw him nod in my peripheral. "Queenie was an integral part of the downfall of Grindelwald." Dumbledore, who had remained quiet while Severus explained, spoke up.
Realisation hit me like a tonne of bricks. I stood up so abruptly that my chair wobbled back, and Severus had to steady it. I started pacing the length of the office, brows knitted together, nails digging into my palms, and my bottom lip clamped between my teeth. Neither Severus nor Albus spoke while I marched in front of them, but I knew they were stricken with apprehension.
Whether minutes or hours had passed, I wasn't sure. What halted me from pacing was the sting of several of my nails breaking the skin of my palms. In a flash, Severus was in front of me, grasping my wrists gently and holding my hands out in front of me. He couldn't have seen that I had clenched hard enough to draw blood, but he felt it. When I slowly opened my fists, he mumbled a spell under his breath, and my palms were no longer bloodied. I sighed lowly at the familiar, comforting heat of his touch.
I could feel he was trying to meet my gaze, but I kept my eyes on the floor. I felt more exposed than ever. I knew Albus was watching our exchange, and the thought of him seeing Severus and me in any capacity other than student and teacher made my skin crawl. I'm not sure why Severus wasn't more on edge, but he thankfully took a step away from me when he sensed my hesitation.
Silence hung in the air like a thick fog on a winter morning. It was suffocating. I let my eyes defocus on nothing in particular for a few minutes. Severus still stood in front of me, though not close enough to touch, and Albus remained seated, his eyes burning holes into me. With a heavy sigh, I finally met Severus' gaze. "You want me to be a double agent, like you." I felt a lump form in my throat when he simply nodded.
"And everyone will know I am a Legilimens." I fought the urge to dig my nails into my palms again. "None of this will proceed without your consent, Hazel." He took the slightest step closer to me. All I wanted to do was bury my face in his chest. Though they were waiting for my approval, I knew that I had no choice in the matter. Severus needs my help, and it seems that the whole Wizarding World does, too. It made my stomach stir, but it also made my heart ache. Why had I not thought to offer my assistance sooner?
I knew that Voldemort had returned the second Harry crashed out of the TriWizard Tournament with Cedric's lifeless body in tow. I could have helped back then. I could have helped last year when Sirius Black died. I should have been there to help Draco before he got himself caught up in this web that was sucking the life out of him. I have been selfish, and that single, earth-shattering fact was more painful to bear than any brewing war.
"Okay." I nodded and walked back to my chair, purposely brushing past Severus on the way. I knew I was not as subtle as I could have been, but I needed to feel his warmth again, even if just for a moment. "My grandmother cannot know, Albus." I tried to sit as straight as possible. "She would only try to help, and I cannot and will not put her through another war." It felt strange being so firm with the headmaster, but that was my only condition.
When he nodded in understanding, I turned to Severus, who had taken his seat beside me again. "How is this 'induction' going to work?" I needed to hear this from him, not Albus. He took a deep, steady breath. He was as anxious as I was. "Albus will accompany you to a meeting with The Order in a couple days' time. You will explain your gifts and will likely need to prove them." He spoke slowly and cautiously, careful not to overwhelm me.
"Why can't you take me?" The words left my mouth sooner than I could filter them, and I felt the colour drain from my face. According to Severus, Albus knows very little about how far our bond has progressed. I have all but confessed to being more comfortable in his presence than Albus'. "Their trust in me is feeble at the best of times, Hazel. It must be Albus." He didn't share my dread at having potentially just revealed exactly how much our relationship has evolved, and I breathed a sigh of relief, but it didn't make me feel better about the situation.
"Where is The Order meeting? We can't be apart, Pro – " I paused as I was about to address him as professor. He has already used my first name in front of Albus, but it still seemed somewhat unnatural. "Severus." I could feel my cheeks flush slightly when he smirked. "The meeting is off school grounds. You will not be gone for more than a few hours. We will be fine, Hazel." He reached his hand out and laid it on my forearm, and I closed my eyes. "No."
When his hand released my arm, I quickly grabbed his wrist, keeping his hold on me. Sod Albus. I need to feel his touch in this moment. "Please come." I begged. "Remain hidden. Stay a safe distance away so that they don't know you're there; I don't care." My eyes were piercing his. "Just come." His eyes left mine for a moment to glance at Albus, and I followed his gaze. Albus gave a curt nod, and I breathed a heavy sigh of relief.
"The Dark Lord knows I cannot be summoned frequently due to my compromised position." He continued. "After this school year is over, however, I will need to return to his side permanently." My eyes shot back to Albus. I knew Severus meant he would return to his side after he kills Albus, whether it be the end of the school year or not. Albus said nothing, he simply nodded.
"And I will need to come with you." Again, it was not a question, but Severus nodded in response. Tears prickled at my eyes. Once Albus is dead, I will need to flee with Severus. I won't be able to comfort my friends. I won't be able to be there when he is laid to rest. The thought made my chin tremble. Severus squeezed my arm gently; his eyes held only comfort and reassurance. "We have time to discuss that later. The Order comes first."
I sat numbly for the rest of our meeting. I am not sure how much more was said, and I assume there were no responses needed from me, as I did not utter so much as a sigh. Before I knew what was happening, Severus' broad hand was pressed at the small of my back, leading me through Albus' fireplace. When we stepped out into my room, I did not move.
This year just keeps getting worse and worse as the days go by. Though I am grateful that I have Severus to lean on, I still feel terrified of what is to come. "Are you alright?" His words of concern only caused my fear to boil over the surface. "I don't know if I can do this." My voice trembled slightly. His arms circled around me in an instant and I collapsed into his embrace. I didn't have tears to cry, and I blamed it on shock. "You can." He led me to my bed and laid us both down, resting my head on his chest.
"Everyone is going to find out. Draco, Harry, Hermione. They're going to know I have been listening to their thoughts for the past six years!" I huffed. After everything that has been thrust upon me this afternoon, I don't know why this is the thought that is stirring my mind the most.
I will be working by Voldemort's side, serving him as Severus does. Yet I am most worried about my friends finding out I can read their minds. Perhaps I am avoiding the real threats, but right now I cannot see past the immanent betrayal on their faces. "They will understand, darling. Draco does not need to know until the time comes." He chose to ignore my delusional priorities right now, too.
"The Order will protect you. I will protect you." He stroked my back gently. He will protect me, just like he is protecting everyone else. The only difference is that I know he is protecting me. "I will protect you, too, Sev." I mumbled into his chest. My body jerked slightly as he chuckled. "Sleep. Dinner will be in a few hours." The last thing I felt before I fell asleep was his lips on my forehead.