TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter contains suicide.
Chapter 23
Drown
Ana panted heavily in the dark, clinging to her dislocated shoulder. She knew what she had to do but didn't have the guts – or the drugs – to do it. She let out a pained cry, her face scrunching up.
Panting quicker, she knew she had to do it now. Bracing herself she counted down.
3… 2… 1… Crack.
Ana let out a coarse shriek, jolting her shoulder back into place.
…
The green, fluorescent light buzzed loudly. The walls loomed above its prisoner, slowly caving in. The shadows were growing darker, spreading from the corners of the room.
In the middle of the room was a wooden chair, its cast shadows consumed its silhouette. In the top left of the room was a rusty metal bucket, leaving nothing to the imagination.
In the top right corner, Ana sat on a thin, raggedy mattress. No springs just used foam. She could feel the concrete surface through the pointless cushioning. She sat there with her knees bent and feet planted, nursing her tender shoulder with a makeshift sling from her blazer.
Her breathing was slow. Her sweat glistened against her forehead under the light. She stared at the metal door, already losing track of time in her box.
Hours, or maybe minutes passed. Finally, a loud clicking noise unlocked the door and it screeched open. The lights flashed to a dull white light. Ana blinked at the change of brightness and silently glared at the visitor.
The Joker sauntered into the box, immediately locking eyes with Ana across the room. Revealing a smug smirk, he hauled the door closed, only leaving a slither of space open.
Ana continued to burrow her glare into him, trying hard to ignore the nausea bubbling up inside her. The longer she waited to use that bucket, the better.
"Sleep well?" The Joker cocked his head with a slight curve in his mouth. Ana refused to answer. She was angry, but she wasn't sure who. Was she mad at the Joker for throwing her into this hole or was she angrier at herself for getting into this position in the first place?
"Are you not talking to me now?" the Joker chuckled, waiting for a response.
When he figured he wasn't getting one he let out a scoff and moved to the chair. In one motion, he sat down on the seats backwards, his legs on either side, and his bare arms and gloved hands crossed against the back. He met Ana's glare with a hint of amusement.
"You know, I saved your life. Again. You should be thanking me?" the Joker licked his scars. Ana's free hand tugged at her ripped top. Her chest ached where the Joker stabbed her with adrenaline. The Joker's eyes briefly flickered down to her exposed cleavage, seeing the purple bruise starting to form.
"Going through all that messy… confusion these last few months just to wind up dead… Very anti-climactic don't you think? Hmmm?" the Joker cocked his head to the side. Ana grew tired of trying to hold her stare, she dropped her gaze in defeat.
"It was an accident," she muttered.
"What? What was that?" The Joker mockingly raised his hand to his ear. Ana glared daggers back at him.
How dare he! Why is he enjoying this so much?
"It was an accident!" she raised her voice, not hiding her anger. The Joker giggled, bouncing on his seat like an overzealous child.
"Oh Ana. My sweet, little, naive Ana," he cooed. Ana rolled her eyes and looked away.
"Was it really an accident? That little euphoria comes at such a conceded price. Not to mention the little warnings," the Joker rubbed his nose, mirroring her blooded nostrils. Ana sniffed at the sudden sensation of dried blood up her nose.
"You could also say the same about working for you," Ana sneered.
"And yet you begged to come back," The Joker shot back without missing a beat. Ana let out a frustrated exhale, feeling herself become both physically and conversationally trapped in a corner.
"Why do you care?" she snapped back, her eyes wide with frustration still digging into the Jokers.
"I fucked up, again! But here you are, again! Why don't you just kill me already, if it was anyone else you would have by now!" she exclaimed. The Joker's mouth grimly curved upwards. Ana straightened up, immediately regretting her outburst.
"Err… I didn't mean…" she fumbled.
"Do you want to know how I got these scars?" the Joker grinned. Ana's face dropped and a shiver ran up her spine.
"No," Ana quickly responded, shaking her head. She remembered the countless times she'd heard her Boss say those words before. This infamous monologue was usually followed with a Glasgow smile.
The Joker chuckled, standing up off the chair. He pulled out a knife from his back pocket and started to twirl it against his gloved finger.
"Woah woah woah, stop it. I said no," Ana stuttered, pushing herself up against the wall. The Joker started to walk around the chair toward her.
"My wife was an addict, like you. She downplayed it. No one knew how bad it really got," the Joker reminisced. Ana was frozen in place. She knew there was nowhere to go. He would stop her instantly. Ana stared up at the clown.
"Then soon enough, she couldn't afford her own addiction," he continued slowly walking, ending up in front of Ana. Ana gawked up at the towering figure, his knife still twiddling in his hand.
"Then one night…" he crouched down in front of her with a smile, "They pay her a little uh… visit. They climbed through the window and snuck into the bedroom," the Joker's face dropped, "But wait, she wasn't alone. I was there too. A scaring act to put us in our place," the Joker leaned forwards and stroked Ana's jaw. His knife raised close to her face. Ana flinched.
"So, they carved our faces. I watched as she screamed, there was blood everywhere," the Joker gripped Ana's chin, his knee pressing against the mattress. Ana trembled under his grasp. Her eyes flashed to the knife nearing her face, then back to the Joker's heavy warpaint.
"After that, she lost control. She couldn't take it. The guilt, the stress, the pain," the Joker scanned Ana's face, watching her breathing shallow and her clammy brow shine, "I found her on the floor of her bedroom, covered in her own vomit. She had OD'd," the Joker growled the last word with venom.
Ana's eyes narrowed realising she had heard this story before.
… "She was having a hard time, and her love for that stuff just got out of control. Then one day we found her on the floor of her bedroom, covered in vomit. She had OD'd," Charles recounted, keeping strong eye contact with Ana …
That must just be a coincidence. Ana thought. Her eyes looked down to decipher any connection.
"But don't worry, I tracked down those that played a hand in her death. It wasn't hard, see drug dealers, as you know, always appear just when you need them," the Joker scoffed.
… "I wanted more than anything to find those that gave her the drugs she OD'd on," the ghost of Charles continued.
"Did you? Find them?" the memory of Ana asked.
"I did. The Joker helped. But then 10 years on and I'm still here," he sighed, "It's a funny world we live in," he smiled.
Ana blinked, struggling to understand the significance of these matching stories.
"Jeannie?" she breathed. The Joker's curved mouth twitched and unravelled to a frown. His grip was still tight on Ana's face.
"What did you just say?" his sunken eyes glared. Ana's eyes widened, not realising that she had spoken aloud.
"N… No… Nothing, it's just a story Charles told me once. It's just... it's similar to yours," she stuttered. The Joker stared at her, his face stern. Unreadable. Ana searched for any signs of his next move.
He was frozen, his breathing becoming heavier and his grasp growing tighter. Ana winced. Her jaw was starting to ache under his crushing hold. She shifted on the mattress, trying to get out of his grasp.
"B… Boss," she breathed, trying to draw him out of his motionless state. His face started to warp into a dark glare. Ana watched, panic setting in.
The Joker snatched his hand away from her and stood up. Ana yelped at the quick motion, recoiling her face away. The Joker strode to the chair and fished something out of his back pocket.
Ana glanced up, pressing herself into the back wall, her hands raised in a defensive position.
She watched the Joker drop a small packet onto the chair. She realised it was one of her sachets of cocaine.
"We think we're so clever, don't we?" the Joker asked, opening his arms out and revealing an eery grin. "Well, here's the punchline. You move that, you die," the Joker pointed to the sachet.
Ana's eyes flashed to him and then back to the parcel.
The Joker pulled out his phone and took a picture of the packet's position.
"No cheating," he giggled waving his phone in front of her. Ana shook her head in disbelief, realising what he was doing. This was just cruel.
"Don't leave that in here," she breathed, trying to hold back her nausea. "If you want me to get clean, there are better ways to do it," she spat.
The Joker closed his eyes and let out a snigger.
"I highly doubt that," he raised his eyebrows before spinning on his heels and exiting the room.
Ana didn't bother to try and escape. She stared at her cocaine sitting so eloquently on the chair. The door screeched shut, causing the lights to flashback to their murky green.
After a few moments, Ana suddenly heaved and dove for the bucket.
…
Ana jolted awake. Salvia ran from her mouth, her forehead glistened with sweat. Her back was starting to ache from the hard surface beneath the mattress.
Still here. I guess it wasn't a bad dream.
She rolled onto her back, letting a few heavy breaths escape. She felt a rush of heat spread through her, and yet she was shivering.
Are these side effects from the overdose, or am I already going into withdrawal? How long has it been? What day is it?
Ana stared up at the ceiling, watching the green shadows mould into one.
The faint buzzing of the light was the only thing she could hear.
"I can do this," Ana spoke out loud. She closed her eyes.
…
Ana retched and slumped over the half-full bucket. When she was done, she fell back against the wall, struggling to breathe. She hung her head, damp hair falling in front of her face.
She sluggishly wiped her mouth and then slicked her hair back.
"Surely that's it?" she whined to herself. Wondering how much was left to throw up. She raised her head to observe the cocaine packet on the chair. A dark shadow loomed from beneath it. Her eyes slid up to the green light, its rattling sound was the only response she heard.
She let out a sharp exhale and leaned her head back against the wall.
You can do this. You don't need it.
Feeling another wave of heat rush through her, Ana let out another heave and leaned over the bucket again.
…
A breathy whisper sounded in Ana's ear. Ana jerked awake and scanned the empty room. Nothing. Ana was panting.
"Is someone there?" she asked the empty space.
She felt a sudden headache appear and pressed her hand against her forehead.
Suddenly, the door screeched open, and the light flashed to white. Ana squinted at the brightness, her headache burning.
Rex wandered in with a paper bag of greasy food. Ana could smell chips. Her stomach twisted at the thought of food. Ana let out a groan, turned to the side and curled up into the fetal position.
"Stinks in 'ere," Rex grunted, placing down the bag next to Ana's bed. He looked down at the girl.
"Go away," Ana moaned. Burrowing her head into her arms.
"Is that it? It's too easy when you're… like this," he grimaced, staring down at her.
"I thought you'd enjoy this," Ana hissed.
"Of course I do. All the shit you stir up about me. At least you're out of the way this time," Rex scoffed. Ana slowly raised her head.
"What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean. Calling me the rat. At least if you die in here, in your own filth, then all your little rants will be forgotten," Rex smirked and cocked his head.
Does Rex think he's talking to a dead woman? What's he trying to get at?
"What are you saying? Are you admitting to me right now that you're the mole?" Ana stared up at the thug with curiosity. Her eyes were heavy and tired. Her hair starting to matte.
"No, I'm saying I'm sick of your shit. It feels good to watch you fade away," he sneered. Ana rolled her eyes.
"Fuck you," Ana spat, lowering her head back into her arms and hiding her face from him.
"Oh really?" Rex chuckled. He gave a hard kick to Ana's stomach. She let you a yelp, curling up tighter, coughing to try and find her breath. Rex crouched down beside her.
"You're going to die in here, bitch" he whispered. "Sleep well," he finished before standing up and leaving the room.
Ana raised her head as the door closed and the light flashed back to green.
"You're going to die in here," a voice whispered near her ear. Ana glanced up at the buzzing light. The shadows had come back to stalk her.
…
Ana was sat up against the right-side wall. Feeling the cold press against her cheek. Her mouth hung open, drawing in air. Her skin felt like it was on fire, at war with the rest of her body. She wanted to sleep but the pain kept her awake.
Another round of sickness bubbled, but she had thrown it all up. She retched but nothing came out.
Her side felt a stabbing pain as if she pulled a muscle from all the gagging. Her head was pounding.
Ana stared at nothing.
"Die in here," a voice whispered.
"No," Ana groaned, tightly closing her eyes.
"You're going to die in here," the voice continued.
"Shut. Up," Ana growled. Dragging her eyes open, she glanced over to the cocaine. Her head felt like it was going to explode.
One sniff and it'll soothe it all away. But he'll know.
Ana hesitated, letting out a long sigh.
Just one little sniff.
She started to slowly crawl over to the chair. The cold concrete stung beneath her hands and knees.
She sat back down and rested her head against the edge of the seat. Her eyes longingly stared at the packet.
"If I touch it, I'll die," Ana said to herself, recalling the Boss taking a picture of its position.
"Die in here," the voice whispered.
"I'll die in here," Ana replied, closing her eyes.
The door screeched open suddenly. The white light flashed again. Ana dully turned her head to see her next visitor.
She noticed the blue hair first.
Kira wandered in, holding another greasy bag of food. Her eyes locked on Ana sitting in the centre of the room. She noticed the unopened sachet on the chair.
"Haven't touched it then?" she said.
"No," Ana tiredly replied.
"Why not?"
"I'll die in here,"
There was a sudden silence between them. The white light gave a higher humming sound. Ana let out a sigh and closed her eyes again, still resting her head on the chair.
"Then get away from it," Kira finally spoke. Ana caught her breath and glanced up at the girl.
"Why do you care?" Ana grimaced.
"I guess, you're trying," Kira eyed Ana up and down, "Plus, you look like hell," Ana let out a scoff and then winced at the fire in her joints.
"Wouldn't you want me out of the way to get Duncan all for yourself?" Ana asked. Kira let out a confused look and placed down the bag of chips beside Ana.
"I'm not interested in Duncan," Kira scoffed.
"I thought you two were…"
"Nope, he's like the second in charge. I'm not messing with that,"
"Oh… How is he?"
"Not great. He's clearly worried, but he's not allowed down here,"
"I see," Ana nodded. Kira shifted on the spot.
"I'm going to go now," she awkwardly pointed to the door. Ana looked back up at her with weary eyes.
"Thanks, Kira," Ana breathed, her mouth curved at the edges.
…
Ana lay flat on her back in the middle of the room, next to the chair. The cold sting of the concrete stabbed her like a thousand needles.
She was shivering and her eyes appeared glazed over.
I'm going to die in here. They've forgotten about me.
A tear escaped her eye and trickled to the floor. She has no recollection of the time or day. There was nothing here in the dark green shadows apart from the humming of the light and the whispers.
"Die in here," the voice echoed around her.
Ana sluggishly peeled herself off the floor and observed her stash. She closed her eyes tightly and placed her head in her hands.
The aching on her back and in her joints was continuously firing. Her eyes were feeling more sensitive to the green light with her headache progressing.
"If this is how I die, I want to die high and happy," she growled, glaring at the cocaine.
She shifted on the spot, ignoring the shooting pins and needles in her feet.
She started to breathe heavier. She reached for the sachet.
Her hand froze above her cocaine.
"But what's if it's just a little bit longer?" her voice broke, feeling tears bubble up. Ana glanced at her shaking hand and quickly pulled it away.
"Not yet, Ana," she breathed, falling back to lying on the ground.
"You're going to die in here," the voice murmured.
"Not yet," Ana exhaled and closed her eyes.
…
Ana was tucked into the left corner, behind where the door opens. She was barely conscious. Beside her were splatters of vomit and pools of urine. Her hair was completely matted. Her skin was a pale green under the dull light.
The pain radiated across her body. She was too weak to fight against it. She let it consume her.
Her eyes flickered open and glimpsed at the cocaine sachet on the chair.
"You're going to die in here," the voice whispered. Ana dragged her head up. Her eyes slid to the ceiling, searching for someone to come and help her. Anyone.
Ana closed her eyes again and smacked her head against the wall. It gave fleeting relief with the pain focused on her head instead of everywhere else.
She hit her head against the wall again. The pain was referred elsewhere.
She did it again. It was working.
She slammed her head again. A blood strain was imprinted on the wall.
She did it again. She felt woozy.
She did it again.
Again, and again, and again.
…
The green light hummed amongst the shadows.
The packet of powder stayed perfectly still.
The metal door unlocked, echoing into the silence.
The light flashed a harsh white light. The door screeched open one last time.
The Joker wandered into the room and stared down at the sachet. Untouched. Unopened. He made a clicking noise with his tongue in disbelief. The Joker turned to where his senses were alerting him to look. The corner of the room.
His face dropped. Ana was crumpled in the corner. A deep red blood stain had trickled down the wall to her lifeless body.
The Joker sucked his inner cheek, strode towards the girl, and kneeled beside her. He pulled off a glove and checked her pulse.
Feeling a faint spark of life, he let out a long exhale. His eyes scanned over her quickly, assessing her position.
The Joker swiftly wrapped his arms around Ana and lifted her up and over his shoulder. His knees clicked when he stood up straight. Ana hung like a rag doll.
With the girl in tow, the Joker hurried out of the vault.
…
Ana slowly opened her eyes. Her headache was throbbing worse than before, and her nausea had returned. She felt the consuming heat around her but was still uncontrollably shaking.
There was a comfort beneath her that wasn't previously there. She wearily dragged her eyes around the new space she was in. The room looked familiar, but just at a different angle.
Ana realised that she was lying on a bed. The cushioning of the sheets was welcoming against her back. A blurry figure moved around the end of the bed to her right side. Ana weakly turned her head to see who it was. The purple started to come into focus.
"You're finally awake," the coarse voice spoke. Ana's eyes fluttered shut as the voice grated against her throbbing head. She opened them again and saw the Joker leaning in toward her, his elbows pressed into the mattress, and his eyes fixed on her forehead.
"You did quite the number on your head. That wasn't very clever, was it?" he lectured. Ana licked her lips, getting ready to speak.
"Where am I?" she breathed.
"My room," the Joker smirked. Ana scrunched her face in confusion.
"Why?" she murmured.
"Had to make sure you weren't concussed. That tends to happen when you slam your head against the wall," the Joker gave an unimpressed expression.
"I didn't touch…" Ana's eyes closed again, dizziness consuming her. She breathed in and out to help steady the spinning room. "… touch the drugs," she finished. The Joker's mouth curled up, changing his face to amusement.
"No, you didn't," he agreed.
"You helped me," Ana faintly smiled. The Joker shifted uncomfortably against the mattress and cleared his throat.
"I just bandaged you up," The Joker reached out and checked Ana's dressing on her forehead.
Ana felt a great sense of relief and safety wash over her. A confusing feeling when in the presence of Gotham's most wanted. He had taken care of her when she was at her lowest. She had never seen this side of him before. Ana let out a long exhale, watching the Joker assess her head wound.
It's nice to know someone has my back for once.
A wave of sadness rushed through Ana. She had never felt so run down and ill before, and completely vulnerable and exposed. A weight twisted in her chest. She scanned the Joker's face, noticing the smear patterns of white paint on his cheeks, the dark blonde roots untouched by green dye, and the brown pigments in his sunken eyes.
"Boss?" Ana breathed, her right hand reaching out to him. The Joker gave a reproachful look, seeing his henchwoman try to touch him. He pulled his head back momentarily, until Ana placed her hand on his shirt, feeling his collarbone underneath.
He looked inquisitive when his eyes locked with hers. His face softened seeing the warmth in her eyes towards him. Ana weakly tugged at his shirt, drawing him towards her. The Joker allowed her to pull him in. Ana felt him rest his hand beside her head.
Their lips touched. A spark between them flashed through her giving her a moment of energy. The softness of their kiss soon relaxed her again, bringing back her intense headache and overpowering tiredness.
Ana pulled away and sunk back into the bed. Her eyes flickered shut, struggling to stay awake. The Joker pulled back and watched her drift away again. He curled a finger over his mouth, deep in thought.
"You really need a shower, you know," he stated. Ana scoffed and gave a half smile, before falling back into the darkness.
…
Ana was hunched over the toilet in the Joker's bathroom. Her hair was still freshly wet from having a well-needed shower. A large grey towel hugged her figure. The smell of damp mildew had reached Ana's nose, but she remained grateful for being able to wash off the stench of the vault.
After she emptied her stomach Ana fell beside the toilet, leaning against the far wall. She stared at the bathtub opposite her, glancing at the dripping showerhead above.
"How am I supposed to do this?" she mumbled and shook her head. After spending 7 days in the vault, Ana had hoped that her withdrawal was out of her system now. Despite being out of that hole, she still felt worse than ever.
She looked down at her hands, noticing how violently they shook. Whilst clenching them in a fist and releasing them repeatedly, Ana pulled herself up to stand. Steadying herself against the dirty bathroom sink she staggered out of the bathroom.
Her eyes landed on the Joker. He was hunched over his desk on the right side of the room. She watched him mumble to himself and scribble something down, then slid her eyes to his bed in front of her.
She recognised a pile of her clothes placed at the end of his bed. Ana's eyes flickered to the Boss and then back to the bed. Holding onto her towel, she moved over to her clothes.
Ana picked up the garments, relieved to be able to change into better-smelling clothes at last, even if it was just a simple pair of black leggings and a white loose t-shirt.
"One of the others grabbed your clothes," the Joker spoke without turning around to face her.
"Thanks. I'd just burn the other clothes now," Ana scoffed. "Well, I'm going to go back to my room and change," she finished. The Joker let out a chuckle and turned around to face her. There was a glint in his eye.
"Oh no, you're not done yet," he grinned menacingly. Ana's eyes narrowed at him, feeling a sudden uneasiness.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"You're staying here, so I can keep an eye on you. Don't need you smashing your head into any more walls," he growled.
"I'm fine now! You don't need to do anything," Ana protested.
"Oh really?" the Joker licked his scar, stood up and walked towards her "You're sweating. Your hands are trembling. You're still throwing up. You look like hell. No no no. You're nowhere near done. You may be feeling a tad perkier now after your little shower, but I'd say within uh… 30 minutes you're going to drop again," he stood in front of her, looking down with a stern expression.
Ana glared up at him knowing that she was in no position to fight back. She let out a hesitant sigh through her nose and then picked up her clothes.
"Well, I guess I'll go get changed in the bathroom then," she retorted, turning away from him and heading back towards the neglected washroom.
"Good. I'll be back in a few hours," the Joker announced, pulling his coat off the back of his chair. Ana spun back around.
"What? You're leaving me here?" she asked with wide eyes.
"I've got an important… uh meeting," he grinned, hauling his heavy coat on.
"What happened to 'I need to keep an eye on you'?" Ana impersonated.
"I'm sure you'll be fine for a few hours. Besides you've got a toilet now so no more messes," the Joker smirked. Ana could feel her face warm up with embarrassment.
"So, I'm your pet now?" Ana spoke through gritted teeth, growing more agitated. The Joker let out a light giggle, filling his pockets with his knives and mobile phone. He turned to her not concealing his growing grin.
"Yes. Be a good girl and don't break anything," he mockingly scolded Ana like a dog and moved towards the bedroom door. Ana watched him. She felt her hands trembling and quickly shook them off.
"Wait!" Ana stepped toward him. He glanced over to her, his eyebrow raised.
"What am I supposed to do in here?" she asked.
"I'm sure you'll fill your time with… something," the Joker shrugged. He abruptly opened the door, strode through, and slammed it shut.
Ana took another step towards the door but was halted by the sound of a key turning. Cursing under her breath, she released he had locked her in.
"You're going to die in here," the voice returned. Ana rolled her eyes and brought a hand up to her temple. She let out a frustrated growl.
"Enough!" she shouted before storming into the bathroom and slamming the door.
…
The day had glided into the late night. The Joker had let the time slip away as he attended to his duties. He wandered down his corridor towards his bedroom. He never bothered to turn on the lights. He found a familiarity in the dark.
He dug his hand into his pocket to find his key. His fingers grazed against his favourite knives, a few bullet casings, and some dice before finding the key.
Unlocking his door, the clown sucked his inner check and walked into the dark room. His eyes had already adjusted to the corridor's similar darkness. He instantly clocked the girl lying in his bed, her back to the door.
Satisfied that she wasn't near dead again, he gave a light nod and closed his door. The Joker moved across the room and placed his long coat back against the chair. As he was undoing his tie and unbuttoning his waistcoat, he glanced over to Ana, curious that she hadn't said anything yet.
It was harder to see in the darkness, but he realised that she was curled up and shivering again. He made a sucking noise, watching the girl struggle to overcome her addiction and drown in her sweat.
He wasn't sure how this was going to pan out. He admits that perhaps he made a mistake by leaving her in the vault. He may have lost his temper… slightly. But now that she was here, there was not much he could do other than watch.
People die of withdrawal every day. Some give up. Some just lose the fight.
But she's a fighter.
…
Ana could feel herself being dragged back to the waking world. Her head grew thick and dizzy, the light started to press into her eyelids. Scrunching her eyes, she prepared herself to wake up.
Slowly glancing around the room, she saw the unwelcome beam of light from the boarded-up windows shine through towards her. Shifting in the dark sheets, she forgot for a moment where she was.
She peered towards the desk at the end of the bed, against the wall. The Joker was there again, drawing on some blueprints. Ana let out a sigh and sank back into the bed.
She felt exhausted, her stomach was empty, her head was throbbing,
What day is it? How long have I been sleeping?
"5 'o'clock," The Joker spoke. Ana pulled her head up and stared at the Boss.
"What?" she called. Her messy bun limply fell to the side.
"It's 5 in the afternoon. You've been asleep all day," the Joker responded, still drawing out new angles against his plans.
"Oh," Ana groaned and stretched out her arms. She was thankful to have a bed again. To have the comfort wrap around her made her feel safe. Probably why she slept the day away, after being locked in the box for a week. No thanks to the Joker.
"There's food on the table," the Joker mumbled as he calculated his hidden formulas. Ana took no notice of what he was plotting. She glanced at the bag of greasy food beside her on the bedside table. Her stomach growled, reminding her that she hadn't eaten in 2 days.
Without hesitation, Ana snatched the bag and scooted to the end of the bed to enjoy her feast. Her face lit up when she saw a burger and fries sitting inside.
"Any water by chance?" she asked with hope. The Joker gave her a side look, before leaning over the table to grab a bottle of water. Ana couldn't help but smile as the Joker offered her the beverage. She willingly took it and gulped it down.
The Joker stopped what he was doing, the rustling of the fast-food bag was interrupting his thoughts. He glanced over to Ana, watching her eat. Ana's eyes flickered up to him, realising that she was being observed she slowed down her eating.
"How many times have I saved your life now?" the Joker casually asked, leaning against his chair. Ana gawked up at him in surprise.
"I don't know," she mumbled, after taking another mouthful of her beef burger.
"Hmmm, let's see. There's when you carelessly overdosed… and of course, after you smashed your head in," the Joker began to list off her recent actions. Ana straightened up and shifted on the bed.
"Well, actually that was kind of your fault for putting me in the Vault in the first place. Plus, I think we're pretty even after I saved your life from the mob," Ana replied with an aura of confidence, mentally patting herself on the back for her quick response.
"No, but it goes beyond that. If I think about it, it goes all the way back to the night at the harbour, where we first met," the Joker grinned, leaning against his hand.
"Where we first met," Ana repeated, feeling the memories of that night at the harbour start to creep at the edge of her mind. Ana recalled the full moon leering down across the harbour. She remembered the sound of the lapping waves as she watched the water sway.
"You tried to drown yourself," the Joker raised an eyebrow, watching Ana intently. The memory of throwing herself in the water flashed through her mind, followed by a low muffled splash of Duncan entering after her.
"And you ordered Duncan to get me out," Ana recounted.
"I sense a pattern forming here," he declared with a devilish smirk.
"Hardly, it was very different back then," Ana scoffed.
"Really? How come?" the Joker tilted his head.
"I was struggling, broke, and in pain. I… I was in withdrawal…. I couldn't handle it," Ana's words slowed as realisation started to settle in with how similar both scenarios were.
"How's that different to right now?" the Joker shrugged.
"I don't know, I guess I'm different. I guess I have more to… I don't…" Ana started to get frustrated, "Why are you asking?" she snapped.
"No reason. I often go back to that harbour, you know," the Joker had a playful smile on his face. He rested both hands behind his head and leaned back against the chair.
"Why?" Ana asked, her face unamused.
"That's where I keep my emergency fund, in Warehouse 23a," the Joker blasély admitted. Ana felt her stomach twist at the sudden reveal of the Joker's storage unit.
"Oh. I'm… I'm surprised you just told me that," Ana looked away from him, feeling uneasy with this new knowledge.
"Why?" the Joker smirked.
"You've never let anyone know that before. Even Charles didn't know that," Ana glanced back at the Boss.
"Just making conversation," the Joker chuckled before pushing himself off the chair to stand up. Ana watched him stride to the other side of the room and rattle through his drawers.
Her eyes fell to the floor, recalling the water from the harbour. The cold sting surrounded her body, immediately taking away any pain.
The water carried her, making her feel weightless. Free.
She glanced away from the Joker and tried to focus on the light between the boarded-up windows. She could feel a weight in her chest bubble up, causing tears to form in her eyes.
"Maybe it would have been better if I had just died that night," she muttered, swallowing a lump in her throat.
The Joker glanced over to the girl on his bed, a look of interest and mild concern across his face.
"Why?" he simply asked.
Ana briefly side-eyed him and then returned to staring at the wooden planks.
"Nothing's changed, I'm still a junky, I'm… I'm still lost," her voice broke holding back the tears.
"That depends on how you look at it. Today you're an addict, but tomorrow who knows," the Joker turned and leaned against his furniture with his arms crossed. "Every day since the harbour, every single day is different," he raised his finger to emphasise his point. Ana glanced back at him, hoping he couldn't see the glistening in her eyes.
"Some days you're a filthy junky, perhaps you've had more of those days recently. But other days, you're one of Gotham's most feared. You're part of my team," the Joker smirked.
Ana felt a pang of pride from that statement, but then her own thoughts interfered.
"Is that all I am?" she said aloud.
"Well, that's up to you," the Joker stood back up and started sieving through his drawers again.
Ana let out a long sigh, deciding to return to her food.
The Joker whipped out a different mobile phone, one that Ana had never seen before.
"Right, I'm going out," he grinned at Ana while striding back to his chair to grab his purple coat.
"Okay," Ana nodded, eating a delicious but cold French fry. She didn't bother to ask about his activities. It's not a surprise that the Joker carries secrets.
"Don't break anything," he scolded her again like a dog. Ana gave an unamused glance towards him.
The Joker let out a cackle towards her reaction and exited the room.
As the door slammed shut, Ana heard the key turn in the door. She stopped eating and placed her food on her lap, letting out another sigh.
"It's up to me," she breathed.
…
The night had crept in, but Ana had no clue of the time. She was curled up in the Joker's bed, clutching to the dark sheets. She felt cold and mildly nauseous. She had already thrown up the meal the Joker had got her before and was back to feeling ill and alone.
She felt herself mildly shivering under the smoky-smelling covers.
If I can just fall asleep, I can skip all this pain.
Ana shut her eyes tightly, trying to focus on the darkness beneath her eyelids. She tried to slow down her breathing to calm her thoughts.
There was a click at the door. A key turning. Ana opened her eyes at the sound and stared at the door. As it creaked open, Ana instantly closed her eyes again. She thought that it would be better to pretend that she was asleep, instead of facing the clown in the dark.
She heard the Joker walk into the room, the usual smell of gunpowder, gasoline, and a hint of brandy filled her nostrils. She heard his footsteps go around the bed and a thud of his heavy coat falling onto the desk chair.
Ana tried to control her breathing to sound like she was sleeping since people who are asleep don't tend to worry about their breathing being too loud.
She heard his shoes fall onto the wooden floorboards and then felt the mattress lower beside her. Realising that she was going to share the bed with him, she silently turned her head to glance behind her.
She saw the Joker unbutton his shirt and take it off, revealing his bare back and several old wounds and burns. Ana swallowed a lump in her throat and returned to facing the other way toward the door.
Who knew the Joker sleeps?
They must have slept in the same bed the previous nights, but Ana was so out of it that she hadn't woken up.
Feeling the mattress move again, Ana sensed the Joker lying down next to her. Ana remained tense, frozen by the sudden awkwardness between them.
But the Joker doesn't know I'm awake so it wouldn't be awkward for him, therefore it shouldn't be awkward for me.
Ana tried to force herself to relax but was very aware of needing to stay curled up on the edge of the bed. A wave of nausea washed over her again. Ana rolled her eyes and pressed her head into the pillow.
This was going to be a long night.
…
A single droplet of water leaked into the full bathtub. The hot steaming water encircled Ana's naked form. She was lying down in the bath, allowing the heat to consume all her aches and pains. Her eyes flickered shut momentarily while another wave of nausea hit, along with a painful headache.
The heat kept her hands from trembling and her skin from feeling like it was going to peel off. But she knew it would all start again once she got out.
Ana thought about her stash of cocaine, and how with just one sniff this would all stop.
But it would have been all for nothing.
She let out a shaky sigh, feeling herself tear up again. Not wanting to let her cries out, she slowly sunk into the water. Allowing the murky water to consume her, disintegrate her tears and turn the world to a low stifled sound.
One sniff and it's all over. I'd be free.
Ana felt her nostrils burn from the water pressure.
She quickly sat up above the surface of the water. Letting out a light cough. The sound of water splashed around her. She rubbed the bath water out of her eyes.
"I see you're practising," a familiar raspy voice spoke. Ana's eyes flashed open and stared at the Joker leaning against the bathroom sink.
"What the fuck!" she screamed, frantically bringing her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around her legs. Trying to keep any dignity she had left.
"Oh relax," the Joker chuckled.
"Get out!" Ana yelled. Her eyes glared widely at the intruder.
"I'm just here to tell you to get ready, we're going out," he grinned.
"Going out? Where?" she furiously asked, clutching onto her figure, praying the water wasn't too clear.
"You'll see," he smirked.
"Wait, did you just say that I was practising? Practising what?" Ana asked. The Joker quickly arched his eyebrows and sniggered, before walking out of the room.
"Jesus," Ana muttered, before hauling herself out of the water.
…
The night air was warm and calm; while the moon peered down on Gotham to hear all its secrets. The faint noise of breaking waves whispered from the harbour, the city docks quietly tried to listen. The heavy breaths of a young woman overtook the city's murmurs. She stared at the water. The warehouses stared at her presence.
She glanced beside her and looked up at the man standing there. The Joker was looking out into the harbour, admiring the moonlight bouncing off the waves. She followed his gaze, questioning how they got here so quickly, and why would he take her back to the harbour where they first met years ago.
Ana let out a sharp exhale, feeling her skin crawl and her head scream once again. The sounds of the gentle lapping waves soothed her, but she still couldn't ignore the growing pain inside her.
"Why are we here?" she painfully breathed.
"To make a choice," the Joker replied, still lost in the view.
"A choice?"
"Yep,"
"6 years ago, I gave you a choice. Join my team or go back to being ripped off by drug dealers," the Joker explained. Ana was watching him closely.
"But I took what was yours, the choice to die," he cocked his head to look down at her. Ana's skin prickled, not liking the direction this conversation was suddenly going.
"You were plucked out of the water after making your final decision and offered a second chance at life," he continued. "Well, now I'm offering you a second chance at death," he smirked.
"What? I don't understand," Ana shook her head.
"Maybe you're right, perhaps you are just a junky," the Joker giggled, walking closer to the edge of the dock. "Perhaps the last 6 years have been a big waste of time." He shrugged.
Ana stared at his back. She was shocked at what she was hearing, but also finding herself agreeing.
"Aren't you tired?" he asked, still staring ahead.
"Actually, yes," Ana sighed, stepping forward, beside the Joker and next to the edge.
"Aren't you in pain?"
"Yes"
"Wouldn't it stop if you jumped into the water and ended it?"
"Yes"
"You're going to die here,"
"Yes"
"Then make your choice," The Joker turned to face Ana, staring at her with a blank expression. "I'm not sending in anyone to fish you out this time," he cocked his head to the side. Ana glanced up at him and swallowed a lump in her throat.
"A choice," she breathed. Ana looked up at the moon reflecting its vanity into the harbour. She closed her eyes, trying to calm herself but her tremors wouldn't allow it.
"A choice," she repeated.
Ana opened her eyes with a blank gaze.
"Die here," she whispered. A tear fell down her cheek.
Without looking back, Ana stepped off the dock and into the freezing water. The water's frost stabbed her like a thousand knives. She let out a yelp underwater, allowing the murky docks to seep into her mouth.
I made my choice. This is what's right. It's up to me.
"Well, it's up to you," the Joker voice echoed through her mind.
"Get away from it," Kira's voice echoed.
"Ana, what did you do?" Duncan's yells called out.
Duncan. I'm sorry.
"You had a chance for better. You had a chance to escape all of this and to do something better with your life, but you wasted it," his argument rang out into the murky water.
"You can't force someone to do something they're not ready to do," Ana heard her own voice reply.
"You know sometimes I wonder, how'd I get here?" an old familiar voice spoke.
Charles?
Ana reminisced about the moment with herself and Charles watching the sunset on top of the pylons. This moment felt endless and heavenly in its beauty. Ana could feel peace and tranquillity as the golden rays and crisp breeze embraced her.
"Ana!" Allie's voice cried out.
Allie?
Ana stared out into the dark waters and remembered a conservation from a long time ago.
"You need to think, why are you here?" the ghost of Ana asked the once naïve Allie.
"It was thrilling to be a bad guy, is that crazy?" Allie smiled sweetly. Ana had missed seeing Allie's face.
"No. Everyone has a dark side, but only a few come face to face with it," Ana's voice echoed.
"When did you face yours?" Allie asked.
When did I face mine?
When did I… face… mine?
"Well, it's up to you," the Joker's phrase repeated in her head.
I'm facing it now.
"You're going to die here," a voice whispered through the current towards her.
I'm going to die here. No. I've tried so hard to fight this. What am I doing? I can't die here. Not like this?
Ana looked up at the surface, seeing the rays of moonlight seep through. She saw a face through water, distorted by the ripples. The Joker was watching her with an expressionless look.
A choice. I choose… I choose to live.
Ana had drifted further away from the surface. She jolted her body up towards the light of the moon. Kicking and swiping her arms frantically, slowly etching to the top.
But she had been under for too long. Ana let out another breath and felt the dirty water of the docks pour down her throat. Her mouth was burning, her arms started flailing.
No. Not now.
She tried to swim harder, but the water was overwhelming her. She watched the figure observing her above the surface get further away.
No. Not like this.
Everything turned dark. She drowned.
.
.
.
.
.
Ana quickly sat up above the surface of the water. Letting out a heavy gasp and a coarse cough. The sound of water splashed around her and fell onto the bathroom floor. She rubbed the bath water out of her eyes and frantically looked around her.
She was back in the Joker's bathroom, but the Joker wasn't there this time.
"What?" Ana panted.
It wasn't real. I imagine it?
Ana sat back against the bathtub and calmed her breathing. She slowly rubbed her face again.
"What happened?" Ana breathed.
She noticed how her headache had finally stopped and her nausea had vanished.
Ana breathed a sigh of relief.
…
The Joker had stayed out all night, so long that the sun was starting to rise across Gotham. He wearily walked down the corridor to his bedroom. He could feel the tiredness try and pull him down, but he knew it wouldn't work. He rarely sleeps.
The Joker giggled under his breath at his own insomnia.
Standing in front of his door, he fished into his pocket for the key. His gloved fingers grazed against a knife, a few bullet casings and one of his trusty Joker cards.
Once he found the key, he swiftly unlocked the door and entered.
The sunrise was starting to penetrate the room through the boarded-up windows. A soft golden haze filled his dark space with light. The Joker stepped in and clocked the girl by the window.
He eyed her up and down. Ana had her arms loosely crossed and was gazing out of the window through the gaps of the wood. She looked cleaner, her hair was down and freshly dried and washed. She was wearing different clothes, a grey T-shirt and black sweats – his grey T-shirt and black sweats.
She turned to address him. The sunny rays lit up her face and made her eyes appear like diamonds. She softly smiled at him.
"Sorry, I needed something else to wear that didn't smell," she explained.
"No no, it suits you," the Joker scoffed. He glanced down at her hands and noticed that they were no longer trembling. "How are you feeling?" he asked as he closed the door.
"Better," Ana breathed with a slight curve rising in the corner of her mouth. The Joker stared at her in silence. He couldn't believe the difference before him. Ana seemed like a new person. He cocked his head in bewilderment.
"What have I missed?" he asked. Ana let out a light chuckle and lowered her head momentarily.
"I don't know, I guess I made a choice," she replied.
"Which is?" the Joker sucked his inner cheek.
"To live," Ana simply said, before returning her gaze to the window light. The Joker considered her for one more moment, watching how the sun's rays wrapped around her body, almost like an angel.
He cleared his throat and moved into the room.
"You're ready," he proudly smiled.
…
Ana walked down the stairs, taking it carefully one step at a time. She noticed the remnants of faded blood on the wall – her blood – but willed herself to continue down. As she stepped onto the ground floor she glanced at the other henchmen chatting away in the lounge across from her.
One by one, the conversations started to die down and they all stared at her. Duncan, Kira and a few others were sat around the table. Duncan stood up from his chair, gawking at his ex-lover. Kira leaned back and watched Ana. George and Rex were standing in a circle with others and turned to her.
Ana let out a deep breath, walking towards the crowd. Duncan eagerly made his way to her.
"Ana," he smiled, standing in front of her.
"Duncan. I did it," Ana scoffed, holding back a tear that suddenly wanted to emerge.
"We knew you could," Kira said. Ana glanced at the blue-haired girl.
"Yeah?" Ana asked.
"Yeah," Kira smiled. Duncan pulled Ana into a bear hug. Letting herself fall into his grasp, she gripped him tightly. The conversation started to pick up around them again.
"Well done Ana, you're no longer a junky" George laughed beside her. Ana pulled away from Duncan and cocked her head to him.
"It's early days, but hopefully not anymore George," she smirked. Ana glanced around the room to welcoming faces and other new unfamiliar ones. Her eyes landed on Rex, who glared at her and then walked away.
Ana shook her head and returned to the gang who welcomed her home and started inviting her to join their conversation at the table.
Ana smiled and wandered over to sit down. She briefly glanced over her shoulder and saw the Joker standing on the stairs watching her. She lightly smiled and nodded her head at him. He arched his eyebrows at her showing a smug look, before turning around and heading back upstairs. Ana couldn't tell if he nodded back in a subtle movement.
She turned back around. She couldn't believe she did it. She got out of the mess, the addiction, the horror of it all. Somehow she survived, she lived. Ana glanced at the gang and joined in with the conversation.
She let out a laugh.
She lived.