Meditation is not enough to calm the storm raging through him. His words in the cave run through his mind and the feeling of McCoy's neck burns against his fingers. Leonard's heartbeat had been fast, beating a wild staccato against Spock's fingers even as the man lured Spock back to sanity.
Spock could have killed him. Spock could have trapped him on that planet.
The memory of Jim, hanging lifeless from the ahn-woon, strangled by his own hands… he has nearly slain them both now, both victims of his own immutable nature.
For most of his life, Spock had considered his human half to be the danger. This was the half that threatened to steal away his control, that would not adhere to the Vulcan principles to which he pledged his life. And yet… and yet he was never more dangerous to his friends than when he was fully Vulcan.
Spock pressed his fingers together tightly, staring off into the distance.
He had nearly murdered one of his closest friends, though Leonard would make no mention of it in the official report. And moreover…
"I don't like that. I don't think I ever did, and now I'm sure."
Neither of them had directly addressed his statement in the heat of the moment… and yet now Spock could not forget it.
Of course McCoy's comments had always left him… unbalanced… annoyed, even. But McCoy clearly intended to draw a reaction of out him (a reaction that he could not give, as a Vulcan) and he had responded in kind. And yet, when he had reached into himself of Sarpedion, it seemed that he had experienced a… deeper response.
Why? McCoy was his friend. Of course he did not truly believe as so many others did… and any resentment or unease he may have regarding Spock was only a natural result of their biological differences. It would be illogical to resent McCoy when the man clearly cares more for Spock than almost anyone else in his life. As for anything the man says… well, at least he is only honest. The things McCoy says, everyone else only thinks.
What McCoy says should not affect him… and yet, in the face of Sarpedion, it is illogical to ignore that which so obviously exists. What is worse, he had admitted to these feelings in front of McCoy, moments from crushing his neck like so many dried twigs.
… How can Leonard ever trust him again?