Disclaimer: I don't own Castle but that doesn't hurt me. What hurts like hell is that I also don't own tickets to The Eras Tour. I watched the movie today and now it depresses me even more. Ugh, life sucks.
So, as you can see, I'm in a bad mood. But here is the new chapter. And I have to apologize, I won't be able to update more often than once a week like I hoped. My workload this semester is insane and I will be struggling to find time to write at all. That doesn't make my mood any better...
I hope you enjoy! Oh, and thanks for all the new follows over the last week!
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Kate knew fine well why she had been avoiding going to the morgue in the last few weeks. One reason was to avoid Lanie's questions about what was going on in her life. She knew it was pointless to lie to her. Even if she didn't know what exactly was going on she would figure out something was happening. And it wasn't like Lanie to just let it be. The other far more important reason was that she knew she couldn't take the smell. She had experienced it at a few crime scenes but surrounded by fresh air or with the possibility of standing by a window and breathing through her mouth she had been able to manage the waves of nausea. But the moment she walked the door Castle held open for her and the smell of death and disinfectant hit her she knew this would be a lot harder. But Lanie had pushed her to come here personally and all her excuses had failed, so there was no choice.
She slowed down her steps and concentrated on breathing through her mouth, trying to keep the gurgling feeling in her stomach under control. Castle turned to her and eyed her with slight concern on his face. "Are you alright?" Kate nodded and whispered "Just the smell." He gave her a compassionate smile. "It ain't easy to have the sense of smell of a German Shepherd, isn't it?" She glared at him and walked past him to get to Lanie as fast as possible so they could leave just as fast.
She walked through the door and Lanie greeted her with a big smile. "Hey, stranger! I almost forgot what you looked like, haven't seen you in weeks. How are you? Oh and hi Castle, good to have you back." Kate did her best to smile back at her friend while Castle softly waved at her. She felt bad for not spending any time with Lanie in the last weeks. But there had been so much going on in her mind and she had been so focused on herself that she realized just now that she hadn't been fair to her friend. "I'm so sorry, Lanie. There was just a lot going on in the last few weeks." Lanie gave her a questioning look. "With my probation period and getting the team back together, you know," Kate added quickly. "Mh-mh." Lanie threw her a look, heavy with accusation. "Well, calling me now and then wouldn't have hurt you."
"You're right, I'm sorry." Kate caught a glance at the body on the desk in front of Lanie but quickly regretted looking at it. Seeing where the smell came from didn't make it any better. "So what do you have for me that is so important I had to come here?" Kate struggled to keep her voice steady. Lanie gave her a sly smile. "Oh, nothing really important. I just said that to get a grip on you." She looked quite satisfied her plan had worked out. "Oh." That was all Kate could reply to that. "But since you're here now I might as well just give you an update." Kate noticed Castle was eyeing her from the side but she needed all her focus to keep her coffee in her stomach, so she ignored him.
Lanie started talking about the victim and his numerous injuries, which she pointed out with a pen in her hand. Kate tried to keep her eyes on her friend instead of the body and struggled to follow Lanie's words as she started to feel a little dizzy. As Lanie went on she could feel her forehead becoming sweaty and held her breath because breathing through her mouth wasn't helping anymore. "But the cause of death is definitely this," Lanie said throwing back the white sheet covering the body up to the man's chest which revealed a huge, gaping wound on the stomach.
That was it. With two big steps, Kate hurried over to the sink and had to face that coffee again she had tried so hard to keep down. She could feel Lanie's surprised stare just as much as Castle's hand carefully stroking her back. "What the…" She heard her friend mumbling behind her. She turned on the water and slowly straightened up again, feeling her head twirl. Castle held her elbow to support her and she didn't fight it because she feared to pass out otherwise. Slowly turning around she met Lanie's gaze and as her friend took in the sight of Castle helping her to remain on her feet with worry written over his face Kate could literally hear Lanie's mind click.
"How dare you," Lanie stated her eyes opened wide in shock. "I am your best friend and you don't tell me you're pregnant? How far along are you?" Kate needed to clear her throat before she could bring a low "Eight weeks." Over her lips. What usw was there in lying? Lanie's mouth fell open and her stare wandered over to Castle. "And you…?" Castle just nodded, looking like a guilty schoolboy. Lanie looked back over to Kate but Kate held her eyes down. "How. Dare. You. Katherine Beckett." She crossed her arms in front of her chest. "For years I had to endure your moaning over this man." She pointed a finger at Castle. "And when you finally manage to get it together and on top of that get yourself knocked up, you don't feel the need to tell me? How long has this been going on?"
Kate didn't answer. She felt miserable because of the nausea and also for lying to her friend and struggled to keep the tears from rising in her eyes. Damn hormones. Castle shrugged his shoulders beside her and muttered "Around the same time as the pregnancy." Lanie raised his eyebrows at him. "Well, you didn't waste any time, did you?" There was a slightly accusing tone in her voice. "It's not like I was the only one involved," Castle muttered in a try to defend himself but Lanie's stare made him shut up.
"Castle, could you give us a minute?" Kate managed to say. She wanted to talk to Lanie alone and explain to her why she hadn't been honest with her. "You're doing okay?" Castle asked and slowly let go of her arm. Kate nodded and gave him a soft smile which he returned. "I'll wait in the car." He walked towards the door and turned to Lanie once more. "See you." Lanie didn't look away from Kate. "Mh-Mh." As Castle left the room he closed the door behind him. He knew that wouldn't be easy for Kate.
Kate kept her eyes down even though she felt Lanie staring at her. "Look, I'm really sorry." She started. "I didn't want to shut you out or lie to you. It's all just… so much." She noticed the tremble in her voice and Lanie did too. Letting her arms sink she slowly came over to her. "Hey…" She said, carefully resting a hand on Kate's shoulder. And with that, Kate wasn't able to hold back the tears any longer. "Oh, sweetie!" Lanie said and the last bit of harshness faded from her features as she pulled her friend into a hug. Kate just let the tears roll over her cheeks. There was no use in trying to stop them and it felt relieving to just let them out.
"I don't need to ask if this was planned, I know it wasn't. But you don't want this baby?" Lanie asked while still holding her tightly. Kate tried to gain back control over her voice. "I can't explain, Lanie." She swallowed down another sob. "I don't want to have it removed or give it away. I know it's right to have it. But I... I don't think I can be a mother." Lanie carefully pushed her away to look at her teary face. "Oh, I know you can! I think everyone is struggling when they first learn there's a kid on the way. Especially when it comes unexpected. But I'm convinced you'll do a great job." Kate sniffed her nose. "That's what Castle says too." Lanie smiled at her. "Then I'll have to make an exception for once and say he's right."
Kate hesitated. But who else could she tell what was really worrying her if not her best friend? "Lanie, I don't think I can love this child. I don't feel anything!" She gestured towards the door where Castle had disappeared. "And he is so extremely happy like this is the best thing that could have happened to him. I still struggle to accept this is happening at all and he is already in full daddy mode. It's almost crushing." All the troubled feelings of the past few weeks came pouring out of her. "And I can't talk to him about it because I don't want to kill his happiness. But I just can't understand why I'm feeling like it's the only right thing to have this baby and then also feel like I'm making the biggest mistake of my entire life."
Lanie gave her a sympathetic smile and laid her hands on her shoulders. "Honey, you are only eight weeks along! Nobody expects you to feel overwhelmed with joy and love for this kid." Lanie nodded towards the door. "For him it's different. He has Alexis, he knows the game. And for him, nothing will really change that much. But for you, everything will change. That's scary and it's just normal that you're struggling. Give yourself some grace." Kate sighed and closed her eyes. "So you don't think I will surely fail at all of this because I'm not able to be happy about it yet?"
"Absolutely not! As I said, you will do a great job! And though he's an annoying little know-it-all he is and will be a great dad. And I'm sure the two of you will figure out how to make this work." Kate opened her eyes again and looked at her. "And my job?" Lanie snorted. "Oh for god's sake, Kate. You're not the first female detective to have a baby. But you're by far the toughest. So if there is anyone who can manage being a mom and a cop, then it's you." Kate gave her a weak smile. "It could be a little more complicated than that. After all that happened Gates won't be thrilled about it."
Lanie just shrugged her shoulders. "She doesn't need to be. But she's also a woman and she'll know having a child won't make you anything less of a great cop." Kate didn't know what to say to that. She didn't feel like going through all the details that complicated the situation with her job since that was what her mind had been busy with for weeks. "But would you still do me a favor and keep it to yourself? I would like to keep it secret at least until my probation period is over." Lanie nodded. "Of course. But I need you to promise me we will meet soon and then you'll tell me every dirty detail." Kate was surprised at her own laugh. "Deal." She said.
Smiling at her Lanie let go of her shoulders. "You know what, you look just as pale as that guy on my table. I think it's better if you go now and I'll text you everything you need to know." Kate sighed. "Yeah, that would be great." She smiled at her friend and turned to leave but Lanie quickly followed her. "Wait!" She said as she pulled Kate into another tight hug. "Forgot to say it: Congratulations!" Kate hugged her back and a sincere smile sneaked onto her lips. "Thank you." She mumbled. And for the first time, she felt a little spark of something that might be called joy flame up in her chest.
Talking to Lanie had lifted a huge weight from her shoulders. Castle had noticed it when she got into the car. And even though she didn't want to give him any details about their conversation he made a mental note to thank Lanie when he saw her the next time. Thanks to her Kate managed to get through the day in a much better mood than she had been in the last few days. And when they left the precinct and she got into his car, of course not without triple checking if anyone was seeing them, she didn't seem so scared of her upcoming appointment anymore. Still, they remained mostly quiet on their drive to the doctor's office.
Sitting in the empty waiting room with him by her side felt strange. But now she was glad she didn't have to do this alone. As the minutes of waiting passed, she felt her heart beating faster and the thoughts in her head becoming louder again. What if there was something wrong? What if she got a panic attack just in the middle of the examination? And what if there was nothing at all and her body hadn't been able to get this baby growing? Castle must have noticed she was starting to worry again and took her hand into his. He gave her a reassuring smile. He didn't look worried at all. Or maybe he was just good at hiding it.
Luckily they didn't have to wait too long. A young assistant came in and asked her for a urine sample. After handing it in Kate returned to Castle's side in the waiting room, just for Dr. Voaden peaking her head through the door ten seconds later. "Ms. Beckett!" She said her typical smile on her face. Automatically Kate got up and Castle followed her. The doctor led her straight to the examination room, closed the door behind them, and pointed to the chairs in front of the desk with the computer where she had shown Kate the little black dot the last time she'd been here.
"It's good to see you again!" The doctor said. "And seeing I didn't hear anything from you in the past weeks and you're not coming alone, I suppose you decided to go on with the pregnancy." Kate nodded and gave the doctor a weak smile. Her cheerful charisma was somehow contagious. "And you are the father?" She asked Castle and he nodded, a hint of pride written on his face. "Wonderful." The doctor continued. "Okay, then please tell me, Ms. Beckett, have you been experiencing any symptoms or is there anything that's been concerning you?"
Kate softly cleared her throat. "Symptoms yes but nothing concerning." The doctor smiled and made a note on a sheet of paper lying in front of her. "That's good! So, what do you say, we'll just take a look?" Kate swallowed hard. Now the moment she had dreaded the last few days or even weeks had come. She got up and walked towards the curtain to get undressed but the doctor stopped her. "Oh, looking at how skinny you are I think we'll be able to do the scan over your abdomen. I just need you to lie down, get your shirt up and your trousers a little down, please." Kate let out a sigh of relief. At least she wouldn't have to get on that awful chair.
She did as the doctor had instructed and caught a look of Castle's face. Now there was clearly some tension too. He tried to smile at her but he knew it looked forced. He had managed to keep his worry down until this point. But as the doctor was applying the ultrasound gel on Kate's abdomen and turning on the big device he wasn't able to blend it out any longer. He wanted this baby to be fine so badly. And he wanted Kate to be happy. What he didn't want to know was the damage it would cause to their relationship if there was something wrong.
"You can sit down at her head, Mr. …?" The doctor gave him a questioning look. "Castle." He replied in a dry tone as he pulled a chair up to him and sat down at Kate's side. The doctor's eyes widened in surprise and realization and her glance shot back over to Kate and then back to him. That wasn't the first time someone realized she had the inspiration for Nikki Heat and Jameson Rooke in front of them. But in a very professional way, the doctor banned any hint of what she was thinking from her face and replaced it with an optimistic smile.
"So, are you ready?" Kate softly nodded even though she wasn't ready at all. The doctor placed the stick of the ultrasound machine on her abdomen and a jumble of black and grey appeared on the screen. She moved it a little and put a little more pressure on it and then a black bubble showed up in the middle of the screen. Kate held her breath staring at it. "There you are!" The doctor said, her voice filled with happiness.
This image looked nothing like the last time. The little black dot was gone and instead of it there was something that looked like a gummy bear in the middle of the black bubble. Kate was taken aback by that sight. She hadn't wasted a thought on what she should expect seeing here today. But it definitely wasn't this. She felt Castle's fingers closing around her hand but she barely noticed them. All she could see was the little gummy bear and without any chance of controlling it a feeling she had never experienced before spread through her body. It was warm and bright and at the same time, it caused a pressure building up in her chest as the weight of this feeling settled down on her.
The doctor moved the stick a little bit more and the image shifted slightly. Within the gummy bear a flickering movement appeared. And when the doctor pressed a little button underneath the screen a sound like a little horse galloping through the room hit her ears. She didn't feel Castle squeezing her hand and didn't see the happy tears rising in his eyes. At that moment, she was sure she would never be able to feel anything else again than this crushing feeling of pure love that reached out to every cell of her body. How could she have doubted she should have this baby for just one second? How could she have doubted she would be able to love it? That was her child. And Castle's. Their baby.
His presence slowly came back to her mind and just for a moment, she tore her eyes away from the screen to look at him. He was looking down at her and everything she felt was reflected in his eyes. The purest form of affection was written over his face and Kate couldn't help but smile. Now she started to get an idea of what he had been feeling since he learned he was going to be a father again. And suddenly she couldn't blame him at all for not being able to hide his happiness.
"Everything looks perfect." The doctor carefully interrupted them. "You can see the head, the tummy", she pointed out four little dots on the side of the baby, "and these will be arms and legs the next time we see each other." She gave them the chance to look at the screen one more time before pulling the stick away from Kate's body and handing her a few paper towels to wipe away the gel.
With trembling hands, Kate cleaned her stomach and pulled her clothes back in place. Sitting up she felt kind of dizzy. But not the bad kind like she had this morning at the morgue. It almost felt like she was a little drunk from the adrenaline passing through her veins. The doctor walked over to the desk and printed out a series of pictures, just like the one she had given Kate the last time. Only these pictures showed a totally different image and caused a very different feeling when Kate looked at them.
"As long as you don't experience any pain or other problems we should see each other again in four weeks." The doctor said smiling. "And you're of course also welcome, Mr. Castle." Kate thought she might see the lightest blush on the doctor's cheeks as she looked at Castle. But she couldn't care less. There wasn't anything in this world that could distract her from the feeling of love and happiness that was still roaring through her body. She nodded with the brightest smile on her face and held on tightly to the pictures as they walked out of the room. Castle slid his hand into her free one and when they came out of the building and arrived at his car he turned to look at her.
Her eyes met his and the grin on his face was not one bit weaker than hers. He pulled her into a tight hug and held her like he never wanted to let her go. "Kate, you are the most amazing woman in the world." He whispered in her ears and she had to laugh at how absolutely convinced he sounded. He looked at her again. "I'm serious!" Kate grinned at him. "Castle, women are having babies all the time." He firmly shook his head. "But not my baby. God, I'm the luckiest guy in the world!" He pulled her back into him and she smilingly laid her head against his chest. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "I love you, Kate." She let the feeling of his words sink in and mix up with the happiness that was already consuming her. "I love you too." She whispered and felt as light as a feather, just as if the worries of the past few weeks had never existed.