Chapter 1 - Zeke's passing
My life was changed forever on the 5th of September 2023.
My husband, Zeke, was sitting with my dying nephew, Cal, when he phoned me. By the time we got back it was too late. Zeke had taken Cal's leukaemia and died so that Cal could live. A decision I tried my best to be ok with. A decision I blamed myself for. I don't think he would have made that decision if he knew the whole story. If he knew I was pregnant.
I cried the whole drive home, I knew Zeke had done something drastic. I screamed at Ben to drive faster even though I knew he was already driving at almost twice the speed limit. He was worried for Zeke but more than that he was worried Cal had taken a turn.
As soon as we got home I jumped out of the car and ran into the house. I saw Zeke as soon as I rounded the corner. He was crumpled over. He was the deathly grey colour Cal had been when we left the house.
I took him in my arms and cradled him close to me, begging him to hold on, begging him to survive.
"Its ok my love," Zeke can barely speak, "I'll see you again, under the stars." His voice trails off.
I can hear my voice begging, "no." over and over. All I can focus on is Zeke. I'm holding him against me, willing him to live as I feel him take his last breath. His body goes still against me and I break down, sobbing into his chest, begging for his life.
I don't know how much time has passed when Ben puts his hand on my shoulder. I hold onto Zeke longer, I'm not ready to let go. I don't think I'll ever be ready to let go.
"Jared phoned," he tells me, "the registry is rounding up passengers and detaining them. Jared and Drea are on their way to get us but we've got to go before they get here."
I go cold head to toe with dread at the idea of leaving Zeke here. I shake my head, "I can't leave him. I'm not going anywhere." I sob with my arms protectively around Zeke.
"Michaela," Ben says sharply, "you'll be leaving him either way, you come with me now or they take you away."
"They can take me." I don't care where I go, I don't care about anything anymore.
"Michaela," Ben says softer, "I know you don't mean that. We have to go. Now."
I look at Ben properly now, he looks desperate. I look back at Zeke and another sob rakes through me. I hold him as tight against me as I can. I squeeze my eyes closed and kiss his forehead. I hold him against my stomach, against our baby. Then I let him go. I stand up and nod. It is the hardest thing I have ever done.
Just as I stand up and look down at Zeke, crumpled on the ground. I bend over to move him. "help me." I say to Ben. Together we lift Zeke and place him on Cal's hospital bed.
Just as I step away there is a firm knock on the door. I know it's the registry. I know there is no point in trying to run now. Instead I hug Zeke. I know this is the last time I will get to see him, to touch him.
As I cry over his dead body I am struck by a terrifying thought, will they let me go to his funeral?
I hear Ben speaking in the hallway, he'll be telling them what happened. I don't care.
"Mick.." Jared's voice calls out gently across the room.
I cry harder against Zeke, ignoring him. I know he's here to take me away.
Instead Drea puts her arms around me. Gently she pulls me against her and away from Zeke. I let her do it. I know I can't fight and it will be easier for everyone if I don't. I lean against her as we walk, there is no way I could support myself right now.
"I'm so sorry." She whispers gently into my ear over and over again as she leads me away, "he was such a good man." She tells me as she leads me away from our home and towards a police car.
I'm put in the back of the car and Ben comes in the other side putting his arm around me and pulling me against him.
Somehow I fall asleep against him. I think the grief is too much for me to take.
I am woken suddenly. I'm disoriented and look to my right, expecting to see Zeke. Instead I am met with Ben's grief stricken face and it all comes crashing back to me. Zeke is gone and I'm being taken into police custody, pregnant with his child.
I sob as we arrive at the registry. Jared tries to help me out of the car but I shrug him off, he lets me walk out of the car and Drea helps me inside.
Once inside me and Ben are lead to a holding cell in the back filled with other passengers. As soon as we are in the packed cell I sink to the floor against the wall and sob into my arms. It is all too much. I can't cope with any of it.
I notice Ben standing in front of me, as if guarding me, and am filled with an overwhelming sense of pride and love for my big brother trying to protect me.
"What's up with goldilocks?" I hear Eagan say. I don't care what he says or what he does so I ignore him.
"Back off Eagan." Ben warns him.
Soon the cell goes quiet. I go quiet too, there is only so long I can cry for. I keep my head down and in my arms so I don't have to look or talk to anyone.
Eventually the cell door opens again and I feel people move around me as more people are pushed into the cell.
"What's going on?" A mans voice yells, "you can't keep us here." He's ignored.
"Ben!" Saanvi calls out rushing over to us, "what is going on? Jared said they are detaining 828 passengers. He wouldn't say for how long."
"We have no idea." I hear Ben say, "it might be for a while."
They lapse into silence and then I hear Ben whisper, "Zeke died. Just before we were taken." At his words I can't help the sobs that take over my body.
"What happened?" Saanvi asks, shock evident in her voice. I know her and Zeke were friends.
"He took Cal's leukaemia. Cal looks great, he seems to be cured but Zeke, well it was about to kill Cal."
Saanvi sinks to the floor next to me and puts her arm around me. She doesn't say anything. She doesn't have to, she just lets me cry and cries with me.
I don't know how long it is before the captain and Drea return and tell us we are being moved. We shuffle out of the cell. Ben puts his arm around me. I lean on him as we walk. I don't think I'd be able to walk without him, I feel weak and shaky. Saanvi walks on my other side, close to me.
We walk out of the registry and onto a bus. I sit by the window and Ben sits next to me. We drive in silence. Some people are shouting at the officers on board, demanding answers but they quickly give up.
We probably drive for about half an hour. I'm not paying attention and then suddenly the bus stops.
A large man comes on the bus and starts shouting orders at us. I glare at him, I can't deal with a man who thinks he has power right now.
We slowly shuffle off the bus and into a large building. We are lead behind closed doors. I look up and see around 40 cubicles.
"Find a bed. We'll bring you food in the morning. Water and toilets are in that corner." He shouts over the crowd and then leaves, the door buzzing shut loudly behind him.
Slowly people start to shuffle away. Ben drags me away and pushes me onto a bed. I curl into a ball and face the makeshift wall.
"I'll be back in a minute." Ben says to me and disappears.
I close my eyes and beg sleep to take over. It doesn't.
Before long Ben is back, "I've claimed the cubicle to your left." He tells me sitting on my bed.
I ignore him. I don't want to talk. I don't want to think. I want everything to be ok.
Ben sits with me. We sit together in silence. I am grateful he's here but I don't have the energy to say anything.
I don't know how long it takes but eventually I fall asleep.
I am woken up by someone yelling at us to line up. Instead of Zeke beside me, its Ben. I try not to cry but I can't help myself.
Without a word Ben helps me to my feet and leads me to the line.
We are lead out of the hall with our beds and down a corridor into a cafeteria.
"How long have they had this place?" Ben asks me. Looking around it looks like it has been built a while. I shrug.
We line up and are each given a tray of food. We sit at a table with Saanvi and Bethany. I push my food away and lean against my hands. The thought of food makes me feel sick right now.
"You've got to eat." Ben says to me, "we don't know the next time we will be given food."
"I can't Ben." I say with tears running down my face, "don't force it. Please. I don't have the energy right now."
Ben looks like he is going to argue but a shake of the head from Saanvi and he stops.
Eventually we are lead back to our sleeping quarter and I go straight for my bed. Ben tries to follow me but I tell him to leave me alone.
I curl up on my bed. I am thinking about my baby. I need to tell someone about the baby. I need to keep him or her safe. I need to see a doctor. I don't even know how far along I am.
The thought of telling anyone but Zeke makes me feel physically sick.
I allow myself to cry. After a few hours, I'm exhausted, sore and thirsty.
"You have to pull yourself together." I mumble out loud. I need to look out for myself; for my child and for Zeke. It would hurt Zeke to see me in such pain.
I sit up and take a few deep breaths. I look around my room for the first time, there is a sink with a mirror above it and not much else.
I gather myself with all the strength I have and walk into the next room.
"Ben." I say, grabbing his attention.
"Mick," he rushes to my side, "what's wrong?"
If I tried to put into words what was wrong right now I would never stop crying again. I shake my head.
"I need help." I say.
"What is it?" He asks urgently, "what do you need?"
"Can you get Saanvi?" I ask suddenly, I realise I'll need her help and I don't want to explain this twice.
Ben looks confused but rushes out. I sit down on his bed.
It's not long until Ben returns with Saanvi.
"What is it?" Ben asks me. Him and Saanvi are standing staring at me, expecting answers.
I take a deep breath and stand up. I start pacing, telling myself I need to be strong, to hold myself together.
"I'm pregnant." I mumble, it's the first time I've said it out loud.
I look at Ben and Saanvi to see their reaction.
"You're..?" Ben looks shocked.
"How far along?" Saanvi asks me.
I shake my head, "I don't know. I've been so stressed lately. There has been so much going on. Looking back the signs have been there for a while but I don't know how long. I only found out a few days ago." I stop talking, the tears are too hard to hold back now, "Zeke," I choke over his name, "he didn't know. I was going to tell him but I never found the right time."
"It's ok." Saanvi says, "we need to find out how far along you are. When was your last cycle?"
"That's my cue to leave." Ben says, leaving his room.
"I don't know." I shake my head at Saanvi, I am doing everything I can to keep myself together.
Saanvi leads me towards the bed and tells me to sit down, she sits next to me, "Just take a guess. A ball park figure is better than nothing at this stage."
I shake my head, "I don't know. A few months, maybe 3/4? I don't know. My cycle hasn't been regular."
"Ok," Saanvi nods, she's speaking gently, "That gives us an idea. You could be up to 4 months along. You don't seem to be showing but everyone shows differently. It depends on how the baby is sitting. As a first time mother you tend to show later."
My head spins as I try to listen to Saanvi.
"Can you lie back and I'll try to see if I can feel anything?" She asks me gently.
I lie back on the bed, lifting my shirt.
Saanvi starts to feel my stomach. She pushes her fingers into my stomach and then moves them around.
"Can you try and relax." Saanvi asks gently.
I took a few deep breaths and then focused on relaxing my body.
"That's good." She says continuing her examination.
After a while she stopped. I pulled my shirt down and sat up.
"You seem to be further along than I thought. You'll start showing soon. If you look for it you already are you're just petite."
My hand goes to my stomach automatically. I can't feel anything. I hadn't noticed a difference. No one had said anything to me. Zeke hadn't said anything to me.
"Its difficult to say how far along you are. I can do a cervical exam to get a better idea or I can ask Vance about taking you in for a more medical examination."
"Vance is here?" I ask.
"Yeah, I just spoke to him. He's working here. He is trying to get me on the medical team here."
"Lets wait for what Vance says." I don't like the idea of Saanvi giving me a cervical exam.
"What else do I need to do?" I ask.
"There isn't much you can do. Try to limit your stress, keep your fluids up. Try to eat and get your rest. The most important thing you can do for this baby right now is to take care of yourself."
I thought that was easier said than done but nodded.
I went back to my room and woke up again by the man shouting for food.
I left my room to see Ben standing outside my curtain waiting for me. He put his arm around my shoulders and walked me to the cafeteria.
This time I took the food and ate it. It made me feel sick to eat but I ate.
Once we were done I leaned towards Ben, "I need to speak to Vance."
Ben nods, "I'll see what I can do." He pauses before adding, "I need to speak to Vance too. I need to know how the kids are doing."
I nod.
Ben hesitates before saying, "do you want to talk about any of this?"
I shake my head quickly. The last thing I need is to to talk.
Ben continues, "You can't hold it all in. Mick, I know what its like. I didn't process Grace for the longest time. You need to talk about it."
"What I need is to hold myself together." I respond in anger.
Before Ben can respond we are told to go back to our quarters.
By the time I get back I feel sticky and dirty. "I need a shower." I say to Ben, feeling disgusting.
Ben points me in the direction of the showers. Under the hot water I allow myself to cry. I tell myself that I will only cry here. Under the water I will let myself feel my emotions but once I leave this shower I will do everything I can to hold myself together.
My hands go to my stomach. I think I look slightly bloated. I never wanted to be a mother. I've always loved kids but I've also always loved giving them back. I would have been perfectly content to grow old, just Zeke and me. Now I didn't have Zeke but I had his child. I feel such overwhelming love and protection for this child it scares me. I don't know how I'm going to raise them but I know I'll do everything I can.
We need to beat the death date if I want my baby to live for more than a few months. I decide, under the stream of hot water, that I will throw myself into solving the death date. I will do everything I can to make sure my child sees the world.
Eventually I get out of the shower. My fingers and toes have gone wrinkly and I'm starting to feel light headed. I go back to my room and fall asleep instantly.