Clark comes home after a harrowing experience during his Blur duties and is distracted by what occurred. A twist on Roulette (9x05).
He was numb. Completely and totally numb. It felt almost as if he was Kal-El again. But this… this was different. He wasn't numb to his emotions this time, but from them.
The wind whistled past his face and had he been a normal human being, he would have felt the sting of the cold air against his cheek. At the moment, he wished he could. He wished he could feel anything except for the internal agony sweeping through his body. Steeling himself, he turned and peered over his shoulder. The sun had set a while ago, but he could still see the plume of smoke lingering against the starlit sky. He looked away. It was all too much.
Smallville was to the west of him. He would need to head home soon and feed Shelby. There was really no other reason for him to linger in the area anymore, but he found himself unable to move from the spot. He wasn't going to check in at Watchtower and he prayed that Chloe wouldn't contact him. Things had been much better between them, but he was quite certain he wouldn't be able to talk to her, even if he wanted to. He wasn't sure he could talk to anyone about this. Except for maybe…
No.
He wouldn't call her. He couldn't. There was no way he could tell her about how he had failed tonight. No matter how much he longed to hear her voice, he knew he wouldn't be able to hold it together. And if he couldn't talk to her as the Blur, he knew he certainly wouldn't be able to talk to her as Clark Kent without her knowing something was wrong. Lois knew him too well.
Turning his head back, he noticed that the smoke wasn't quite so thick anymore. At least the fires had finally been extinguished. He swallowed the lump in his throat and just as the memories started replaying in his brain, he took off towards the farm, hoping foolishly that the effects from his super speed would lessen the pain.
He had just finished stopping an attempted carjacking when he heard them. The screams. A large group of people, all yelling in absolute terror. He hadn't even been completely sure what was happening or where he was going when he took off towards the noise; he just knew there were a lot of people afraid for their lives. When he arrived on the scene, he understood why.
A factory had caught on fire and the flames were spreading quickly. Before he could give it a second thought, he blurred inside and began searching for trapped employees. He was easily able to help push out the majority of people who were furthest away from the source of the fire, but still continued to hear the cries of others trapped deeper inside the building. Once the smoke overtook him and his regular vision failed, he used his x-ray vision to navigate around him. The only problem was that it wasn't working.
Lead. Looking to his right, he read the name on the logo of the company printed on the wall and with realized where he was. He was surrounded by lead ammunition. It was as if a third of his vision was missing in random patches that were constantly swirling. When flashes of thermal movement appeared, he couldn't tell if it was human or fire. It was all making his head spin. He closed his eyes for a brief moment and tried to concentrate on using his hearing instead.
A shriek to the left of him caused him to move blindly in that direction, but a sudden sickening pain radiated throughout his body and he had no choice but to stop. It was Kryptonite. He had felt this type of agony many times before, but never when it was combined with the screams of people burning alive. Gritting his teeth, he managed to blur forward a couple more feet, but the pain brought him to his knees. He searched around him, but he couldn't tell where it was. The smoke and lead were blinding to all of his visual abilities.
"Help! God, please, someone help me!"
"Lord, help me, please!"
"Is anyone there? Help! Please!"
An entirely new kind of pain ricocheted throughout his body at the cries for help. He couldn't help them. The only thing he could do was force his body backwards until the effects of the Kryptonite disappeared. Sitting in the foyer of the building, he listened desperately for the sounds of anyone else in any other parts of the building, but he couldn't detect anything. All he heard was them. Tears began to blur his vision as he scrambled back towards the doors.
Fresh air hit his lungs and he inhaled gratefully as he searched wildly for the fire department. Familiar flashing lights filled his view and he watched in slow motion as fire fighters ran past him. He yelled at them to go left before stumbling back behind the building. He had just exposed himself. He was sure between the cover of darkness and the chaos of the fire that no one would remember him, but still. He had just made a horrible mistake. What had he been thinking?
The fact was that he hadn't been thinking. He couldn't. Those screams still rang in his ears. The conversations between the firemen and police along the perimeter came next, then the crowd that was surrounding the newly erected barricade, then finally the combined chatter that erupted into an entirely new sort of chaos when the left part of the building collapsed. Five firemen had passed him when he exited the building. Now, he couldn't hear a single one of them.
The crowd had gone silent as the fire raged on, waiting for some sign of life to come from the building. He even tuned in his hearing once more to be sure that there was no one trapped under the rubble, though he knew he would be of no use. But it didn't matter. He didn't hear anyone.
Murmurs started echoing around the group of people against the barricade and soon enough, the cries began. It was gutting. He couldn't take it. He sped away, this time, without leaving a trace.
He blinked away tears as he came to a stop at the farm. Why? Why couldn't he have tried harder? Why hadn't he been listening? He could still hear them. It was maddening. His head hung low between his shoulders as he walked up the steps to the porch. Pushing open the screen door to the kitchen, he wiped his eyes again and attempted to compose himself. He needed to take a long, hot shower and get into bed as soon as possible. He wished for one of the first times in his life that he could get drunk and just forget the whole incident for a little while. Instead, he would have to make do with what he could.
Unfortunately, while his mind and his heart were occupied reliving tonight's tragedy, he did not realize that he was not alone until it was too late.
"About time you got home! Shelby's great and all, but the conversation, a little…" the words trailed off and there was a short pause before a whisper finished with, "…one-sided."
Standing in the middle of his living room, holding up a t-shirt amidst piles of laundry, stood a motionless, slack-jawed, Lois Lane.
No.
It looked as if she had been slapped across the face. He didn't think he had ever seen her this bewildered in his entire life. His skin burned with shame. All he wanted to do was run and hide somewhere far, far away from here. But even if he ran to the opposite side of the world, he knew he could never escape her. This was Lois. Once she knew something, she wouldn't let it go. She couldn't.
He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but nothing came out. He didn't have the words. Instead, all he could do was watch her. He watched her expression change from complete shock to confusion, before he saw realization settle across her features and the unmistakable flare of anger creep into her hazel irises.
He closed his eyes and sighed. He deserved it. He had lied to her and hurt her more times than he could count; this was just his punishment finally catching up with him. When he attempted to look at her, he was not surprised to find his vision obstructed by tears.
"Lois, I…"
He tried to speak, but his voice caught in his throat. It was no use. After what had happened earlier tonight and what had just transpired moments ago, he felt completely and utterly defeated. Feeling the weight of everything piling on, his legs began to shake and he forced them to the wooden barstool in the kitchen before they gave out completely. His palms pressed into the wooden counter to steady himself and he closed his eyes as a wave of nausea swept over, threatening to overtake him.
"Smallville?"
He heard her voice in the back of his mind, but he couldn't respond. Everything was too foggy. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on his breathing, but he still felt the urge to vomit. It wasn't until he felt a small, warm hand pressed against his cheek that he found the strength to open them. The anger had evaporated from her gaze, which had softened with deep concern. The warmth radiating off of her and the tender expression on her face broke him even further. He bore too much guilt to feel what she was making him feel.
"What happened?"
Without any regard to how Lois might respond, he dropped his head to her shoulder and finally let it all out. He tried to hold in what sobs he could, for both of their benefits, but the grief and the guilt were overwhelming. He had let innocent people die tonight. He didn't even know how many. At least ten. Maybe twenty. How the hell could he have let this happen? Why wasn't he there earlier? Why hadn't he been listening? Everything was closing in around him. The sound of those screams was still ringing in his ears. The nauseating feeling of Kryptonite exposure still radiated in his chest. The image of that burning building collapsing on the people below was still replaying in his mind. He felt like he was going to sick.
Then suddenly, the pain was gone. Her presence enveloped him and it felt almost like... sunlight.
He felt her shift between his knees and wrap her arms around him, giving him everything he needed with one simple motion. Sliding to the edge of the stool, he tightened his arms around her and she returned the pressure. Her hands began rubbing small circles on his back and he shuddered at the intimate gesture. Refusing to lift his head from the security of her shoulder, he inhaled her scent and let it engulf him. She smelled like coffee, maple, and a hint of strawberry shampoo combined with the fresh scent of laundry detergent. It was therapeutic.
"It's okay, I've got you. I'm right here."
He didn't know just how much he needed to hear her say those words until that very instant. They were simple, but effective. The gentle tone she rarely used with him struck his heart and he wanted nothing more than for her to keep talking. Instead, he settled for repeating her words in his head like a mantra. The combination of her touch, smell, and words was healing. Her hands massaged away the lingering effects of the Kryptonite, her scent cleared his lungs of any remnants of smoke, and her voice drowned out all of those terrible screams until all of senses were filled with purely Lois.
Time didn't exist in that moment. He had no idea how long she stood there cradling him against her, but eventually, after his tears subsided and his breathing had returned to normal, he felt her arms begin to loosen around him. Instinctively, he tightened his hold on her, afraid that she was going to disappear. It was irrational, but he wanted to stay just like they were, with him safely held in her arms. So he kept his arms wrapped around her and prayed the moment would never end. But then she said something that made the fear shrink back just enough to allow her out of his embrace.
"I'm not going anywhere. I promise."
Slowly, he loosened his hold on her and lifted his head from her shoulder, but he kept his eyes firmly locked on the counter. The thought of meeting her gaze still terrified him and he had half a mind to make a break for it, but a warm sensation on his cheek shot the notion out of his head. Her hand guided his face towards her, but still, he couldn't meet her gaze.
"Smallville, look at me."
That same gentle tone was back and it was powerful enough to guide his eyes back to hers. Swirls of brown and green melted together to form the most magnificent set of hazel eyes he had ever seen in his life. They were eyes that were both asking questions and searching him for silent answers, but they were also worried. They were compassionate. They were, dare he say, affectionate. But above all, they were absolutely mesmerizing.
She didn't say anything, but he could tell that this was one of the rare moments where she was comfortable with the silence. She was processing everything in her own way and after what she had just done for him, he would let her stare at him for however long it took. Her eyes broke from his after a moment and a crease formed in her brow, but it wasn't from anger. He became aware that her hand was still cupping his cheek when her thumb swiped across it. Ash from the fire.
His arms immediately dropped from her waist and he looked away, but Lois made no movement away from him. Instead, she brought her other hand up to his face and made him look at her directly. She studied every inch of his face, from his brow down to his chin, until she searched his eyes for something he couldn't understand.
"Was it a fire?" she asked softly. Her fingertips spread across his cheeks and lingered, caressing his skin for a moment until they dropped to his shoulders. He swallowed. The only thing he could do was nod. "What happened?"
Damn her voice. It was so tender, so concerned… he didn't deserve it, but he couldn't deny her either. He frowned. He didn't know how he was going to tell her. He didn't know if he even could.
"I… I made a mistake," he said. It's the best he could do. It was true in more ways than one. People had died tonight and now, he had not only potentially ruined his relationship with Lois, but her life as well. Now that she knew he was the Blur, she would be in even more danger than usual.
"What kind of mistake?" she pressed. Of course, she wasn't going to let this go. She was a reporter for a reason. He broke from her stare again. He couldn't look at her when he said it.
"People died," he managed. "Because of me."
He clenched his eyes shut in an effort to keep the tears from coming again, but it was futile. They rolled down his cheeks as easily as they had a few moments ago, but thankfully, it seemed as though his body had worn itself out from earlier. He sat there silently, completely drained from his break down and the events of the night, simply trying to think of anything else to make the tears stop.
Then he felt her hands on his face again and suddenly everything else but her washed away. He sensed her closeness and shuddered. From her point of view, it must have seemed as though he was going to start crying again because suddenly, she was back in his arms. His breath caught in is throat as he felt her chest press against his own. A curtain of auburn hair shielded him from the outside world and overwhelmed his senses once again. Another shiver made its way down his spine as he heard the words she whispered against his neck.
"I know you did everything you could."
He appreciated the sentiment, he really did, but he wasn't completely sure it was true. Did he? Did he really do everything in his power to try and save those people? Maybe if he had listened to Jor-El and started his training sooner, he could have been quicker. Maybe if he had thought of using his super breath, he could have stopped some of the fires from spreading. Maybe if he had just been listening harder, he would have heard the fire when it started. There were just too many maybes.
"I—" he began, but was very quickly cut off by a small hand plastered across his mouth. Lois had pulled back and was now looking up at him with an unwavering expression. It was a step below angry, more determined than anything, but also held a significant degree of compassion in her features.
"I know you, Clark, and I know that you did everything you possibly could have done to save those people. It's who you are, okay?" she said. Her gaze held his for a moment and when some force compelled him to nod, she finally removed her hand from his mouth. She stared at him for a moment longer, ensuring that her message had sunk in, then, without preamble, she walked back to the sofa and began folding her laundry again. He gaped at her while she worked, knowing full well that she felt his eyes on her, but not mentioning it. Nor did she mention the very large and obvious elephant in the room. He frowned and wondered how she could stand there, folding laundry, while the Blur stood only a few feet away from her.
Suddenly, he realized what she was doing. She was giving him a choice. Instead of asking him a million questions, she was allowing him to tell her at his own pace. A new wave of affection washed over him as he watched her fold one of his plaid shirts that she had obviously stolen from him at some point. Though she was concentrating on the clothes in front of her, he noticed her eyes falter every so often, probably wrestling with the decision to look up at him or not. When she finally finished with her basket and had no choice but to look up, he saved her before she had to make a decision about what to say.
"I don't deserve you," he said. Her apprehensive eyes softened along with her posture and if he wasn't mistaken, a tinge of pink blossomed across her cheeks. Was she blushing?
"Like that's not obvious," she replied, covering her embarrassment with a small quip. He could not help the gentle smile the grew across his face and shook his head.
"I'm going to take a quick shower. Then we can talk… if you want," he said. The moment sobered quickly. Now he was going to give her a choice. Though he strongly doubted she was going to bolt after his recent revelation, he still wanted to give her the option to get out if she wanted to. Even if she was a truth-seeking reporter at heart, she also had a history of pretending for the sake of normalcy. A brief image of her in an orange dress filtered through his mind and he bristled. There was no way in hell he'd ever make that mistake again.
"Like I said, I'm not going anywhere."
Clark stared at himself in the steamy bathroom mirror. Contrary to what he had told Lois and the speed at which he could move, his shower was not quick. There were too many thoughts and fears flying through his head. How much should he tell her? Where was he going to start? Did she hate him? Was she going to be afraid of him? Would she treat him differently? The last question scared him the most. He didn't think he'd survive if she started treating him any differently.
Ever since she blew into his life, Lois had always been a constant. She had always been there to give him a reality check when he needed it. She didn't put him up on a pedestal or expect him to be someone that he wasn't. He liked when she made fun of him and joked around because it made him feel normal. But he also loved the way she talked to him as the Blur. They were able to talk without the barrier that usually existed between them and he relished those conversations. More than anything, he loved the compassionate side of her that she showed when she was talking to the Blur. It was the same side that she had shown him earlier tonight. He couldn't lose that.
He wondered what was going through her head. She was still here, he could hear her heart beating downstairs and it didn't seem to be racing like it had earlier, but she was also pacing. What must she be thinking? The fear of her being angry with him began to creep back into his brain and he did his best to push it away, but it still lingered. How upset was she going to be that he didn't tell her? Worse, that he had deliberately lied to her?
He heard her footsteps finally cease and the familiar creak of the sofa. Taking a deep breath, he looked at his reflection once again and made a decision. It was now or never. He had to tell her everything. If he didn't now, he wasn't sure if he ever would. And if he never did, there was no possibility of them ever being anything more than what they were right now. He couldn't let that happen. Because at the end of the day, when it really came down to it, he knew he needed her. If tonight wasn't a prime example, he wasn't sure what was. He needed Lois Lane in his life and he always would. This was just the first step to keeping her.
It felt like his legs were made of jelly as he descended the staircase and made his way into the living room. The explosion of laundry had been cleaned up and now only Lois remained on the sofa, sitting with a fresh cup of coffee in her hands. An involuntary smile crept its way across his face. Coffee was her cure to everything. It was not only her remedy to sleep deprivation and long nights on the job, but it was also her crutch for anything emotional. He noticed that there was an extra mug on the coffee table and took that as an invitation to sit down. Taking a sip, he found it was made exactly the way he liked it. His eyes flickered to hers, which were staring at him intently.
For a moment, he couldn't formulate any words. Nothing came to mind. It was all blank. All he could concentrate on were those hazel eyes and the way they were gazing at him right now. He wanted her to look at him like that for the rest of his life. But Lois, being Lois, obviously could not take the silence any longer, so she broke it.
"I just want you to know that you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. You know I have a million and one questions, but I've never really pushed you about your secret and I'm not going to start now. Just…" she hesitated and he waited. Her eyes closed briefly, as if she was trying to gather courage to say something, and when they opened, he found her more vulnerable than he had ever seen in his entire life.
"Just promise not to lie to me anymore. Please."
If his heart could break, he reckoned this is what it would feel like. From their first meeting out in Miller's Field, through high school and college, and now, while working together at the Daily Planet, he had lied to her every day of her life. And she had never said a word to him about it. She had never complained, never pestered him, never questioned anything about him, but instead, would chalk up all of his lame excuses and disappearances to simple "farm boy quirks." He knew that she didn't truly believe that, but the fact that she never pursued those questions, even when they were burning a hole in her brain, made him appreciate her even more.
"I'll never lie to you again. I promise," he said. "And I want to tell you. I want you to know everything, I just… I don't really know where to start." Those intense eyes softened at his admission and she put her mug down.
"Just start at the beginning. Take it one step at a time."
The beginning. What was the beginning? The collapse of Krypton? The meteor shower? His adoption? Becoming the Blur? A chuckle escaped him involuntarily and she looked at him with a raised eye brow. He took another sip of his coffee and stood up, suddenly feeling the need to put some space between them.
"Honestly, I don't know what the beginning is. I've never really sat anyone down and explained it all before," he admitted and walked towards the fireplace. A family picture that was taken when he was about eight caught his eye and he picked it up. He was standing in front of his parents at the Smallville Harvest Festival holding a snow cone and sporting a blue-stained grin. He noticed the endless wave of corn behind them and suddenly, he knew exactly what to say.
"You know, I didn't realize it until right now, but the first time I met you was almost exactly how I first met my parents," he said and turned around to gauge her reaction, finding a frown adorning her face, and grinned. "Stark naked in the middle of Miller's Field."
When she didn't respond, he took it as a signal to continue. Turning his eyes back towards the photo of his family, he looked at his father and prayed for the strength he needed for what he was about to tell her.
"They found me there when I was just a toddler, maybe two or three years old. I'm not even sure how old I really am. I could actually be older than you," he said and threw a slight smirk at Lois, whose expression was unreadable, so he continued. "My birth parents sent me to Smallville to protect me. The truth is, I…"
Here it was. The moment that would change everything. He looked her straight in her wide, amber eyes and found himself unable to continue. God, he didn't want her to change the way she looked at him. He wanted this, right now, forever, eyes that were completely focused on him. Eyes that trusted anything he would tell her. Eyes that twinkled when she made fun of him. Eyes that didn't look at him any differently than she was right now. Still lost in them, he didn't realize they were right in front of him until she started speaking.
"The truth is what, Smallville? Look, there's nothing you can tell me that's going to scare me or make me run for the hills, so you better buckle up, Buster, because like I told you earlier: I'm not going anywhere."
That was all—in fact—more than he needed. Taking a breath, he looked down and, as though he was compelled by some magnetic force, took both of her hands and squeezed them. Then he locked eyes with her and suddenly found all of the strength that he needed right in front of him.
"The truth is… I'm not human."
To her credit, she didn't give an inch when it came to her facial expression. Sure, he could hear her heartbeat pick up, but she had the perfect mask of calm etched on her face. The only thing that gave her away was her eyes. They were wild with questions that her mouth didn't dare utter. Instead, she had only one thing to say.
"Elaborate."
He almost laughed at her response, but the gravity of the situation kept him from doing so. Instead, he let the words roll off his tongue without any more hesitations.
"The meteor shower brought more than just destruction to Smallville…. It brought me with it. I'm not meteor infected—I'm the reason they exist."
It was incredibly uncharacteristic of Lois to be quiet, but in this case, it did not surprise him. It was a lot for anyone to take in, even for the strong, always prepared Lois Lane. Much to his relief, she didn't look at him like he was from another planet. Sure, her eyes were roaming all over him, looking for any signs that could confirm what he had just told her, but they weren't afraid and they weren't… different. The way Chloe had looked at him when he had told her the truth in that hospital room had always stuck in his memory. The way her eyes widened and her body inched back made him feel like a monster, like a freak. But here was Lois, still holding his hands and scrutinizing every inch of him as if he was playing some sort of joke on her, yet still showing the absolute trust in her gaze.
"You're telling me that you – Smallville – mild-mannered, all-American, farm boy Clark Kent – are a real life, trueness to goodness, E.T.?" she asked. She was squinting slightly, in a way that made her incredibly cute, though he would never admit that to her or dare use that word, but there was no judgement in her eyes. They were curious and speculative, but pure of any fear or anger.
"I prefer intergalactic traveler," he said, feeling the heat blossom across his cheeks. "But yes, I was born on another planet: Krypton."
"Krypton," she repeated, her eyes refusing to leave his. She was searching his eyes for any fiction or hint of a joke, but he knew she'd find none. He couldn't lie to her now even if he wanted to. Not knowing what to say, he allowed her to gather her thoughts. She stared at him for a few more moments and then her eyes started to slowly travel down the length of his body. Positive that his cheeks were on fire, he cleared his throat when her gaze lingered on his jeans. When a frown started to form on her face, he felt unmistakable icy fear creep into his blood. What was she thinking? If only Jor-El's telepathy lesson had come a few weeks later. When she still didn't speak, he started to get extremely nervous and for once, he became the one in their relationship who couldn't handle the silence. But not before she could get the first word in.
"How the hell did I miss this?"
Before he could even process what she had said, she was halfway across the room and pacing again.
"I mean, seriously! You, Smallville, the guy who couldn't lie his way out of a speeding ticket, managed to pull the wool over my eyes for how long?" she raved as she marched across the living room carpet. "How could I have been so blind?"
"Lois—"
"I lived with you how many times over the years and still… nada? Nothing? Zilch?" she continued. Now she was throwing her hands in the air in sporadic motions, an action she only took when she was truly annoyed about something. Still, he couldn't help but find her behavior amusing.
"Lois."
"I'm the one who named you for God's sake, yet your primary colored closet didn't tip me off? I don't even know how I can call myself a reporter!" Her hands had gone from all the way up in the air, all the way down to her sides. She collapsed on the sofa with her head in her hands and let out a loud grunt before she opened her mouth to speak again. "And you know what else—"
"Lois!"
Her head snapped up and met his gaze with a surprised expression before a sheepish smile crept its way on to her face.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to ramble, I just…" she paused, then stood and walked slowly towards him. Something in the way she was looking at him now set him on edge. She was looking at him differently, but it wasn't in a way that made his stomach sink. In fact, it electrified him. She looked him up and down again, before taking a step so that she was less than a foot away from him. "I always knew there was something you were hiding, between the quick exits and half-assed excuses, but I always chalked it up to a classic case of Peter Pan syndrome. I guess, I just… I always hoped, but… I never expected you to actually be… him."
There it was. The elephant in the room that they had been avoiding since he walked in on her folding laundry earlier. Him. The Blur. His other side that he had hidden from her, yet exposed some of his biggest vulnerabilities. Again, she wasn't looking at him as if she were angry. On the contrary, she was giving him that look that he longed to see every minute of every day, but the conversation still terrified him.
"I'm still me," he said, though the words came out raspy. She was standing way too close for him to able to think clearly at the moment. Clearing his throat, he broke their gaze and took a step backwards so he could move around her back towards the sofa. He couldn't recall another time where he had been so grateful to be able to sit down. But Lois, being Lois, did not let him off that easy. Before he had five seconds of space, he found her invading it yet again. Closing his eyes, he tried not to concentrate on the brush of her shoulder against him and the smell of her shampoo that enveloped him.
"Why did you call me? As the Blur, I mean," she clarified. Her tone was genuine, not accusatory, and his heart swelled with relief. He looked down at his clasped hands and tried to formulate a worthy response. Why had he called her? He knew why he did in the first place, but after… there wasn't an explanation. At least, not one that he wanted to share, because in truth, it was because he was selfish. He wanted all of her, even if she didn't want all of him. At the very least, he owed it to her to tell her just that.
"At first, it was just because I didn't want you parading around as Stiletto," he began. "I was scared that you'd get yourself into more trouble than you usually do, so I hoped that by calling you as the Blur and giving you a few answers, maybe you'd stop nearly killing yourself in order to try and meet me in person." He remembered wrestling with the decision to call her for the first time, but the way she had treated him after he had taken a bullet for her quickly solidified the decision.
"That was wishful thinking," she said with a knowing look. He knew her better than anyone else in the world and she knew it. How could he possibly have expected that to fly as an explanation?
"That it was. But even so… I wanted to protect you. I still do," he said and paused, hoping that she understood just why he had done what he had done. Finding her eyes tentatively, he continued. "Then, when we started talking, I got to see a different side of you. One you never shared with, well… me. Then I found myself telling you things that I had never told anyone before and it just felt… good. I didn't want to lose that. I still don't."
"I don't either," she replied, but left the conversation open-ended. Just because he told her the truth, didn't mean they could continue on with how things had been. She had a fantasy in her head about who the Blur really was and now that it was gone, who knew where that would leave things between them. He wouldn't blame her if she never talked to him again after this. He had knowingly manipulated her emotions out of pure selfishness because he wanted to be wanted, no matter what the cost. His thoughts must have reflected on his face because he heard her speak again. "What is it?"
"You don't... hate me?" he said and looked at her directly in the eyes, which rolled at him almost immediately.
"Hate you? Look, I know we bicker like two old ladies most of the time, but I think 'hate' is a little extreme," she said and grinned. Clark couldn't bring himself to return the smile. He wanted to, but he knew that Lois often hid her true emotions behind sarcasm. If she was trying to avoid confrontation because he had truly hurt her, he needed to know now. When he didn't react, her smile dropped and she shook her head. "I could never hate you, Smallville."
"Why?" he blurted out. She looked at him curiously. "I mean… aren't you mad that I lied to you?"
"I won't lie, it hurts that you didn't think you could trust me. I mean, I know I have a big mouth, but I'm a steel trap when it comes to keeping secrets, especially one as big as this. But I understand it, too," she said. Her gaze had dropped to her hands and he felt a wave of shame bubble up under his skin. He hated that he made her feel that way. He trusted her more than anyone else in the world and she didn't even know it. He found her hand suddenly in his own and he squeezed her fingertips gently, beckoning her to look back at him. When she did, he spoke slowly, in hopes that what he told her would sink in.
"Lois, it's never been about trust, you have to know that. If you believe nothing else I have to say, believe that. I trust you more than anyone I know."
"Then why?" she immediately replied. The emotions she usually tried to mask were evident in her voice. She had been the outsider for so long and she knew it. Lois Lane was anything but stupid and he knew that she had guessed that she was probably the last to learn about his hidden side. His grip on her hand tightened and he pulled it towards his lap, trying to keep the ever-present fear of her leaving at bay.
"My secret has ruined lives and it's taken them. Every single time," he said. Looking deep into her eyes, he took a breath in order to prepare himself. "When my parents found me in that field, every day became dangerous for them. They had to lie to everyone they knew, even to me, and in the end… it cost my father his life. Pete, my best friend growing up, found my spaceship in high school, so I told him my secret. He nearly died protecting it, so he moved to Wichita in order to save himself and still protect me. Chloe… she's sacrificed everything knowing what she does. Her husband died because of it. You've almost died because of it. Knowing what my secret has done to people… I couldn't let that happen to you."
A sea of hazel shimmered in front of him. He could see a pile of questions ready to burst from her lips, but she kept silent. Lois, who he thought he knew better than anyone, continued to surprise him at every turn with her patience and grace with the situation. Looking down at his lap, he found that her other hand had joined the one clasped around his, which prickled with delight. Shifting his focus back to her face, he waited patiently for her response.
"You should know better, Smallville. My life has been a whirlwind of close-calls and near-death experiences long before you came—literally—crashing into it. I'd still be in trouble on a daily basis and twice on Sundays, even if I didn't know about your secret. Which I think is evident from the past few years," she said with a wry smile. He tried to smile at her comment, because part of her had a point, but he couldn't escape the guilt that had taken a hold of him.
"You're right, I know that, but it doesn't mean I didn't still want to try to protect you. But the truth is… I didn't want you to look at me differently. I don't think I could stand it. You're the only one that's never made me feel like…" he trailed off. He didn't want to finish the sentence because he didn't want to admit what he was. He wasn't human, but he wasn't fully Kryptonian either. His inability to stay away from her was proof of that enough. No, he was something else entirely.
An outsider? A freak? A monster?
"An alien?" she whispered. His skin flushed. She knew exactly what he was thinking and she was right. He could dress it up any way that he wanted, but at the end of the day, he was an alien. He was foreign to this world and the one he had been born on. There was no one else like him, no one that understood what he was going through, no one that made him feel like he wasn't totally and completely alone, except for… her.
Something came over him in that moment. The way that she looked at him… it made him feel like he was whole. Even his parents had never made him feel as complete as he did when he was around her. Here he was, the Blur, the person that she had been after for almost a year, telling her all about his Kryptonian heritage and instead of looking at him like he was a god or a freak, she looked at him with… sympathy. Her eyes studied him, really looked at him, before she shook her head and threaded her fingers through his.
"You still look like the same old Smallville to me," she said. Then the left corner of her mouth quirked up and she winked. "Just maybe a little less geeky. But only a little."
An immense weight lifted off of his chest. If he didn't know any better, he swore his body had lifted off of the sofa. He had just admitted to Lois Lane, the most tenacious reporter that Metropolis had ever seen, that he was a super-powered alien from another planet and here she was telling him that all she saw was Clark Kent. It was all he had ever wanted to hear from anyone. When he was with Lana, all she could focus on was his secret and who she wanted him to be. He was the hero, the person she thought she needed to change herself for, the super-powered savior who had a destiny to fulfill. But with Lois… he was Smallville. He was still the guy she could joke with and insult, no matter what his heritage happened to be. He was… human.
"You don't know how much that means to me," he said, his voice catching in the back of his throat. The obvious emotion in his voice affected her, reflecting on her face as it softened from its previous sarcastic quip almost immediately. "It's all I've ever worried about."
"You won't ever have to worry about it with me," she said. He didn't notice how close he had gotten to her until then. He knew that if he leaned forward just a couple of inches, he could do what he had been dreaming about for longer than he'd care to admit. But now wasn't the time. It wasn't fair. She was emotionally vulnerable after he had unveiled so much information and it wasn't fair to act on his deepest desires now, no matter how much he wanted to. So, as much as it pained him, he slipped his hands from hers and grasped their now-cold cups of coffee. Standing up, he found himself on unsteady legs, but managed to make his way to the kitchen sink to dispose of them. He wasn't sure he needed anything else to add to his jitters tonight. He knew Lois though, so he wasn't the least bit shocked when he turned around and saw her leaning against the kitchen island, arms crossed and waiting for him to speak.
"I'm sorry I lied to you," he said. He still had a million and one things he needed to explain to her, but an apology was at the top of his list. Even if he had expressed why he had lied, he needed her to know that it wasn't about trust. She needed to know why.
"I wish you hadn't, but I also understand why you did. The excessive brooding makes a lot more sense now."
"I just wanted to protect you. I couldn't stand it if anything happened to you."
"As you've mentioned, several times, I might add. But enough with the guilty conscience. I'm a big girl, Smallville. I can take care of myself," she said. The nonchalant way she spoke and brushed off the need for his protection ignited something primal deep inside of him. He knew she was fierce and strong and capable. She was a force of nature and didn't need anyone to defend her. But despite knowing all of this, he still couldn't help but feel the need to shield her from the evil of the world. And if he couldn't do that, the least he could do was back her up when she needed it.
"I know you can," he said, taking a confident step toward her. He watched as her arms dropped to her sides and her defensive stance disappeared. "But that doesn't mean I won't stop trying to protect you."
"Well, don't tell anyone," she said and inched towards him, a smirk playing out on her face as she pinned her bottom lip between her teeth, "but I kind of like having my own personal superhero keeping tabs on me. Makes a girl feel pretty special."
God, he wanted her. He had tried to deny it, he had tried to bury it and push it far away from his thoughts, but it had burrowed its way in his heart long ago and was currently causing it to nearly beat out of his chest. Electricity pulsated throughout his body and he fought the urge to touch her. She was just inches away from him now and the image of her in an orange dress briefly flashed in his mind. He wasn't making that mistake again.
"You are special. More special than you could possibly know," he said and watched a blush blossom across her cheeks, further fueling his desire. The scent of her shampoo was radiating off of her and it was making his head spin. Not only did he want her, he needed her. A physical ache was growing in his chest at this point and if he didn't do something about it soon, it was going to consume him.
"Well, thanks, but I think you blow me out of the water when it comes to unique characteristics," she said. The trance he was caught in suddenly broke with her words and he wasn't sure why. It wasn't because he was worried that she viewed him differently because she had already put that fear to rest. No, it was something entirely different. For some reason, a picture of her unconscious face pressed up against the window of a runaway train flashed in his brain. The feeling of complete and total loneliness creeped its way back into his heart and he shuddered at the feeling. His eyes shut and he sucked in a breath in an attempt to calm himself. She was back. She was here. She was right in front of him.
"No, Lois, I'm not… you don't get it. I wasn't… I couldn't be…" he stuttered. To her credit, she didn't interrupt as he tried to gather his thoughts, once again surprising him. He took one deep breath, then another, and finally opened his eyes once he was sure that he could articulate his thoughts to her. He took a moment to gauge her expression and found her looking at him the way he always wished she would when this moment finally came. "Lois, when you disappeared… I died."
"What? What do you mean?" she asked. Concern and confusion were laced within her words. Her pitch and heartbeat changed simultaneously as she stepped towards him, pinning his back against the counter. His hands moved with their own accord and found their way to her hips. A quiet intake of breath escaped her at his touch and it took every ounce of willpower to steady his voice.
"You disappeared for three weeks and I… I couldn't take it, Lois. I searched everywhere for you—everywhere—but I couldn't find you. I thought you had died and it killed me. I couldn't be Clark Kent anymore," he said, finishing his sentence with a whisper. Until now, he hadn't realized how badly her disappearance had affected him. He knew, logically, that it had strangled and suffocated any remaining remnants of humanity that he had possessed at the time, but it wasn't until right now that he truly realized how much he had changed without her. He tried to blame it on Doomsday and Jimmy and all of his failures leading up to it, but the truth of the matter was that when Lois disappeared, so did he.
"But you are Clark Kent," she said. Her eyebrows were pinned together in confusion and he fought the urge to reach up and soften her frown. It was hard to explain, but he had to try. For her.
"I know, but… I turned that part of me off," he said. When the confusion on her face didn't waver, he sighed and tried to explain further. "Look, there's still a lot I need to explain, but it's like there are two sides of me. There's my human side, then there's my Kryptonian side and when you were gone… I let my human side go. I was the Blur and nothing else. You were gone and it hurt too much to try and be anything more."
She looked at him like he had never looked at him before. It was plain all over her face, likely as obvious as it was on his own, that there was something undeniable between them. Hazel eyes shimmered at his honesty, explaining wordlessly that she must have understood what he was feeling, because she felt it too. Her hand burned through his shirt as she touched his chest and invaded the last remaining bit of personal space that remained between them.
"Well, I'm here now."
He couldn't have stopped himself even if he wanted to. The moment the words left her lips, he covered them with his own. He had waited far too long for this moment and he wasn't going to deny himself any longer. He had been an idiot at the wedding, wasting what should have been a defining moment in their relationship and he'd be damned if he was going to let her go again. The soft noise of surprise that escaped her was silenced almost immediately by Clark, who had wasted no time pulling her fully into his arms. Lois was by no means a dainty woman, but he never realized how small she was compared to him until right now. Both her body and lips fit perfectly against him and he never wanted to let go. He kissed her softly at first, relishing in the feeling he had only been able to dream about for months, but when he felt her hands make their way to his hair, it was like something snapped inside of him. With one hand tangled in her chocolate hair and the other securely wrapped around her lower back, Clark pressed her fully up against his body. A breath escaped her, giving him the opportunity to slip his tongue inside of her mouth, which she eagerly accepted.
From the outside, he was sure they must have looked like two ridiculous teenagers, groping each other fiercely in the middle of his kitchen, but he couldn't have cared less. Lois Lane, the woman who both frustrated him to no end and made him feel like he could fly, was finally willingly in his arms and he wasn't letting go if he could help it. It was better than anything he could have ever imagined and he was sure that he'd never be able to get enough of her now. Her soft moans, her touch, her taste, her smell… it was overwhelming. After everything he had told her today along with everything that had happened over the past couple of months, he couldn't have been happier that it had all led to this. To Lois.
Clark lost track of time. They could have stood there for hours, wrapped up in each other's arms and hearts, neither one of them willing to let the moment end. But eventually, when the need for oxygen finally overcame their desire for one another, Lois broke away with a heaving chest. Clark kept his eyes closed, relishing in the moment and memory, while she pressed her forehead against his chest in an attempt to catch her breath. When his eyes finally fluttered open, he looked down at her wild mess of hair and felt his heart swell. He had hugged her many times over the years, but he had never been allowed to hold her like he was now. His heart swelled at the thought of her trust and vulnerability. She always had a wall up, particularly when it came to her emotions, and he felt exceptionally special that she had finally allowed him to see this side of her, especially now that he was just himself. Not the Blur. That thought, the realization that she had kissed him, Clark, warmed him to the core.
"Thank you," he whispered. She shifted in his arms, finally removing her forehead from his chest and looked up. Her cheeks were flushed, her lips were red and slightly swollen, and her eyes sparkled with desire. He had never seen anything more beautiful in his life and he fought the urge to kiss her senseless again.
"I know I'm a hell of a kisser, but you don't have to thank me," she said, smiling brilliantly at him. He was so entranced that when he couldn't produce a reasonable response or reaction, she reached up and touched his cheek to elicit a response. "For what, Smallville?"
"Accepting me," he admitted, finally loosening his grip on her. He dropped his hands, grazing them down her arms and eliciting a slight shiver out of her. He couldn't stop touching her.
"Hey, just because you have superpowers does not mean you are getting any special treatment, okay? In fact, I think it gives me even more of a reason to bust your chops," she said with a wry smile and a wink. "And employ you as my new personal errand boy."
A chuckle escaped him and he pressed a soft kiss to her smiling lips before tugging on her hips, pulling her against him again. If she was going to let him, he wasn't going to waste a single second not holding her.
"I promise you all the authentic Chinese and Mexican you want," he said, rubbing small circles on her lower back. A shiver reverberated through her and he bit back a smile. God, he loved how he affected her.
"Now that's what I'm talking about," she said, grinning from ear to ear. Clark was sure he was wearing the same giddy expression, but he couldn't have cared less. There was not only a willing Lois Lane in his arms, but one who knew exactly who he was and understood the full weight on his shoulders. She had taken everything he had told her with so much grace and support that he knew from this day on, he'd give her the world if she asked for it. As he searched those hazel eyes, he began to wonder what she had questions about. No matter how understanding she had been, she was still Lois Lane.
"I, uh, I know I hit you with a lot of information tonight, but is there anything else you want to know? Any questions?" he asked, fully prepared for a barrage of questions. She looked thoughtful for a moment, studying his expression, before gently stepping out of embrace. Disappointment tugged at him, but quickly disappeared when she took his hands.
"Oh, just about a thousand," she said with a shrug and a shy smile, which was quickly replaced by a serious look. "But only one that really matters right now."
"What is it?" he asked. The trepidation on her face confused him. What could she possibly be worried about? She wasn't scared of him, was she? There was no possible way. Whatever it was, she needed reassurance, so he gently squeezed her hands, producing a grateful look and answer.
"This… you and me. Clark, I can't…" she began and he felt his heart drop to his feet. "Look, I can't lose you, okay? So, this… if this is really what you want, then this is it, okay? No take backs."
He was so taken aback by her doubt that he felt himself physically flinch. After everything he had told her, after he had kissed her, after he had bared his soul to her… she still had doubts? That wouldn't do. With a shake of the head, he pulled her back towards him, perhaps a touch too hard, because she almost bounced off his chest, and cupped her face in his hands, forcing her to look him directly in the eyes.
"Lois… I told you, I died when you left. I couldn't stay away from you, even if I wanted to. Which I don't. So, you're stuck with me, Lane."
The biggest smile he had ever seen erupted across her face and he couldn't help but mirror her expression. If he wasn't mistaken, a shimmer caught her eye, but she blinked it away before he could be too sure. The hands on his chest wrapped themselves around his neck and he found himself just inches away from her lips again.
"Okay," she said, eyes twinkling with mischief and he frowned.
"Okay? That's it? No comeback?" he asked incredulously. This was Lois. She never let anyone have the last word, let alone him.
"Nope, not right now," she said, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth. "You have many of those to look forward to in your future, but for now… just kiss me, Smallville."
