"Why" Carla chokes out a sob, the silence of the flat deafening now that her façade has shattered.
She's so tired, tired of having to constantly battle with her mind. Tired of feeling sad and angry. Exhaustion claws at her mind like a cat toying with its prey, entertaining itself before it eats you alive.
The constant state of awareness she's always in is maddening. And now it hits even harder, trembling as adrenaline dance to a vicious tempo within her
Why does everything hurt again?
This can't be real, surely. No one can be this broken, fractured, defective. What cruel god put her on this earth without the capability of feeling long-term happiness? All the good feelings are fleeting, temporary happiness tempered by apathy each and every time she dared to try and feel something other than pain
--
When Nick walks into the flat, Carla isn't in the living room
"Carla?" He calls, throwing his keys on the table, anxiety runs through him for a moment before he hears sobs coming from the bedroom. Carla looks up from where she's sitting on the bed when Nick comes in, and gives him a weak smile, though the dark smudges under her eyes and the weariness in her frame give her away.
"Hi" Nick murmurs, leaning down to gently kiss Carla's forehead "Carla, what happened?"
"He lied to me. All my life he was lying" her expression crumples up into something defeated
"Oh sweetheart" Nick soothes, pulling her into a hug. Carla goes easily, wrapping her arms around Nicks waist. They stay there for a second before Nick speaks. ''Are you okay?'' He asks, threading his fingers through Carla's soft hair.
"I'm fine" She insists, which is more of an admittance she's not than anything else.
"I can clearly see you're not"
Carla looks up at him, eyes trying to hide the pain. Nick knows she won't ask, to be held, and taken care of, and treated like she deserves, but Nick always offers, in the hopes that one day Carla will be able to say she needs something
"Talk to me"
"I always knew that my mam wasn't a good mother. Could barely look after herself" Carla's voice was still quiet but no longer held the waver from before. Absently she rubbed at her bare arms and shivered
"Here" Nick shrugged off his jacket and draped it over her shoulders. "You're allowed to be sad but you're not allowed to be cold."
Carla let put a soft laugh and pulled the jacket around herself
"I think part of me always knew she never wanted me. But to know she tried to give me away..." She trails off. Taking deep breaths
"Give you away?"
"To Johnny. When he found out...about ne. She told him to take me. But he didn't want me either. I'm unwanted"
"You're not" Nick murmured, rubbing Carla's arm through the jacket
"I know. But I feel it. The two people who bought me into this world...Johnny, he said it was to protect us. Me and his wife, Louisa. But she found out. She found out and she died, because of me"
"What do you mean because of you?"
"My mam. Apparently she went round there. Told Louisa everything, told her about me. She couldn't handle it, she ran out into the road and got hit by a car. She died because she hated me. Its all my fault"
Nick ducks his head, and his expression turns angry, just a flash. Struck with the urge to hurt every single person on this planet who has ever made Carla feel like she's worth anything less than what she is.
This beautiful, wonderful, bright, absolutely amazing soul in front of him is the only thing Nick truly loves in this world, and he would repeat it with every breath in his body if it meant Carla believed it.
Nick pulls Carls closer, and she sobs into his shirt. They're shaky, gasping, full body ones that Nick is slowly getting used to, the ones where Carla packs every negative thought and word behind a full to bursting damn and lets herself drown in it; He threads his fingers through Carla's hair and feels her break apart against him
"You're OK. You're safe. Deep breath, nice and slow" Nick slowly starts to rock her back and forth
"I'm sorry" Carla shifts so she is looking at Nick
"Sorry? For what?"
"I don't know... for crying. For being an emotional wreck?"
"You don't ever have to apologise for crying Carla" Nick reminds her
"But I hate how it just spills out. I feel so venerable. Pathetic"
"Sweetheart" Nick gentles his voice "You are allowed to feel bad. What they did... I don't know how you do it. You are the most amazing, strongest person I know. Don't you ever blame yourself"
"But she would still be alive if I didn't exist" Carla sniffed again
"No. Carla, don't do this. You were a child. It was their job to protect you. What happened to her was a horrible, awful accident"
"But..."
"But nothing. Remember, these thoughts in here" He gently tapped Carla's forehead "They're not good. You need to remember how good you are in here" he presses a hand to her chest, feeling the beat of her heart and pulls Carla closer. ''Please don't ever feel bad for existing.''
"God I feel awful" Carla rubs her face and the sleeve of Nicks jacket
"Physically?"
Carla nods and taps at her head
"Want me to get you some painkillers?"
Carla tightens her arms around Nick. ''It can wait'' She insists. It's a quiet plea that he doesn't leave her. Nick instead stands up, taking her with him, holding her up with one arm and leads her to the kitchen before riffling through the cabinet. Nick offers her some paracetamol with a glass of water which she gratefully takes
Carla puts the empty water cup down and reaches out for Nick. He can't help the stupidly big grin on his face and kisses her, then rests his chin on Carla's head. Carla wraps her arms around him
"Why don't we get something to eat?" Carla tenses briefly but cuddles closer
"What do you feel like eating? Nick asks
"Nothing" Carla stiffens against him
"That's not an answer" He gently pushes Carla off him so he can look at her
"I don't want to eat,'' Carla wraps an arm around herself, sounding remorseful. ''I don't..."
"Please?'' Nick pushes his forehead to hers ''It doesn't have to be big. Just something, please.''
Carla sighs wearily "Fruit?" she suggests weakly
Nick smiles at her "I'm so proud of you" Carla looks away, and Nick knows she thinks she's undeserving of the praise. He gives her hand a small squeeze before pulling away and grabs two bowls and various fruits from the fridge, carefully placing sliced strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, grapes and some canned pineapple carefully into the bowls, by the time he finishes its full and Carla eyes it anxiously
He gently grabs Carla wrist and leads her towards the sofa, placing the bowls of fruit onto the coffee table and then pulling Carla onto his lap. Carla instantly curls up into his chest
"I'm sorry"
Nick soothes his hand down Carla's back. "Don't apologize" He tells her, pulling her closer. They stay sat like that for a few minutes until Nick sits up so he can reach for the fruit, carefully picking out a few grapes and popping one in his mouth before offering one to Carla out of his fingers. Carla takes it, tongue flicking over Nicks fingers in the process, and he grins at her. They go through all of them, then the strawberries, and so on
Carla laughs, a bubbly and sudden thing, and Nick thinks he might burst with happiness
He can only hope that today's events don't hit her too badly. That today's resistance to eating were just from the shock of the information she had received today. He could hardly blame her. He still doesn't know how she does it. The pain and suffering she had already endured would send anyone else to insanity
"I love you Carla"
"Sappy, Nicky" Carla teases
Nick kisses her '"Always"
